1. Archer Danger Island.
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2. (sighs)
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3. He looks so peaceful,
doesn't he?
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4. Sometimes I wonder
if he's dreaming.
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5. But then I remember
I don't give a shit.
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6. - (screaming)
- What the...?
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7. - Who the hell are you?
- (Krieger screaming)
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8. - Shut the f...
- (blows whistle)
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9. - God...
- (woman and Archer scream)
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10. - Hey!
- (woman and Krieger screaming)
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11. Goddamn it!
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12. What is your problem?
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13. Patch. Patch.
Eye patch.
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14. What... Son of a...
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15. (scoffs)
Oh, thanks, lady.
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16. Hang on.
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17. Okay, there.
Sorry.
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18. - (Krieger snickering)
- Shut up, bird.
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19. Why are you in here, dummy?
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20. What...? Because
the frickin' fuel pump's
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21. still hinky
and we got that charter.
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22. - That's tomorrow.
- Ittomorrow.
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23. - I just said that.
- No, you...
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24. You've been drunk two days.
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25. Oh, right.
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26. So I guess that explains why
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27. you're here,
naked lady stranger.
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28. But why the hell are you crying?
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29. Buh... Buh...
Buh... Buh...
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30. Buh-cause...
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31. it's my ho... ho... ho...
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32. honeymoon!
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33. We got married?
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34. No, you idiot!
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35. I got married to my husband.
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36. This is my honeymoon!
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37. (chuckling)
Oh, thank God.
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38. - For a minute there, I...
- I remember drinking champagne
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39. in the bar,
and then Whitney went off
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40. to play roulette
in the back room...
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41. He just ditched you?
What a jerk.
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42. Yeah.
Whitney?
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43. But then it all goes
a bit fuzzy.
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44. I think that patch
is sexy
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45. and I kinda want to put
my tongue in there.
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46. (belches)
Oh, okay.
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47. Oh, my God!
What have I done?
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48. - Well, hopefully not that.
- (crying)
- (knocking in distance)
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49. - (doorknob rattling)
Charlotte?
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50. (gasps)
That's him!
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51. - Who's him?
- My husband!
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52. - Duh.
- Right?
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53. - (pounding on door)
Answer me this instant!
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54. You have to hide me!
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55. Uh, actually, I do not.
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56. Wh...? Are you...?
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57. Ooh! Here!
Hide in here!
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58. - What the hell are you doing?
- (pounding on door)
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59. Charlotte!
- Oh, come on, don't be a dick.
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60. - What?
- Yes, I'm looking for my wife,
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61. Mrs. Charlotte Stratton?
Née Vandertunt?
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62. Redhead?
Kind of flibbertigibbity?
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63. Oh, why, yes,
as a matter of fact.
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64. Closet.
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65. What?
- Archer!
Come on, man...
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66. Charlotte!
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67. What are you doing?
You're ruining everything!
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68. Why the hell'd you do that?
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69. What'd you think,
we're going to run away
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70. and live happily ever after?
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71. - (crashing in distance)
- I mean...
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72. How could I ever trust her?
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73. - (Charlotte screaming)
- (Crackers squawking)
- You know, plus she obviously
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74. - makes terrible decisions.
- I'll say.
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75. - You'll say what?
- What?
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76. Goddamn it, Manu.
If...
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77. Sterling!
- (chuckles)
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78. Mama wants you.
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79. Don't call her that!
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80. Oh, I would just murder that.
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81. - Me too.
- I meant sexually.
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82. I meant murder-ly.
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83. Sterling!
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84. What, Mother?
Jesus!
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85. What the hell
is wrong with you?
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86. Me? He's the one
calling you Mama.
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87. What?
No, not Manu, you ass.
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88. Shooting off a gun in my hotel!
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89. Oh. Oh, right, that.
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90. - Oh. No, there was a, uh, rat.
- Snake.
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91. - Rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
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92. - Goddamn it.
- Are you finished?
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93. - Yes.
Well, then, we are finished.
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94. And apparently
so are the Strattons.
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95. But then I don't suppose
you'd know anything about that.
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96. No, I was pretty busy
with the...
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97. - rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
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98. - Goddamn it!
- What?
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99. - Right?
- I swear to God,
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100. if you can't learn to keep
that thing in your pants...
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101. It was actually in a drawer.
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102. Then you're going to have to
find a new place to live.
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103. What...? Where else
can I live for free?
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104. Oh, what, is that your point?
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105. My point is,
as the majority stakeholder
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106. in Archer Airways, I'd like to
see a return on my investment.
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107. Uh, well, yeah, we all would.
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108. - Sterling!
- And we got a charter.
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109. - A what?
A boat, you fool.
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110. I want a boat.
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111. Why, Mr. Stratton,
you're down early.
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112. Would you care
for some breakfast?
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113. Porridge.
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114. Uh, I'm sorry?
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115. Save your breath
for cooling yours.
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116. I want a boat to take me
out to the clipper,
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117. and I mean this instant.
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118. - But I don't understand.
Are you...?
- And you!
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119. I have half a mind to give you
the worst beating of your life.
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120. All right, now.
You're obviously upset.
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121. Yeah, you're talking crazy.
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122. 'Cause he's literally
had the shit beat out of him.
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123. - 'Member?
- You know...
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124. Well, then maybe
I'll just sue him
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125. for alienation of affection
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126. and prosecute you for...
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127. - pandering.
- What?
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128. Yeah, I don't think
any money changed hands.
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129. - But if it did,
it would be mine.
- Well...
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130. Do you people think
this is some sort of joke?
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131. I will ruin you!
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132. Oh, all right.
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133. - Manu, call the tender.
- Yes, Mama.
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134. And quit calling her that!
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135. Why does it bother you so much?
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136. - (stifled laugh)
- Seriously?
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137. Now, while you're waiting,
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138. perhaps you'd like
to settle your account?
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139. I really do not get
your sense of humor.
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140. If you think I'm paying for that
so-called honeymoon suite...
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141. No no, I was referring
to your marker
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142. from last night
at the roulette table.
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143. Oh, all right,
now that it is funny.
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144. You want me to pay you
for what I lost
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145. in your illegal gambling den?
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146. (French accent):
Everyone out!
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147. This hotel is closed
until further notice!
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148. How can you close me?
Upon what grounds?
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149. I am shocked, shocked, to find
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150. - that gambling
is going on in here!
- Oh, for...
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151. Ha ha!
Not to mention adultery.
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152. He seduced my wife.
Arrest him.
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153. Monsieur, this is
French territory.
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154. Of course adultery
is not illegal.
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155. What about consensual buggery?
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156. Uh, asking for a buddy.
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157. All right, Reynaud,
cut the merde.
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158. What do you want?
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159. Well, we can start with
my winnings from last night.
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160. - Fair enough.
I beg your...
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161. Now, just
a damn minute!
Merci.
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162. - What?
- (Manu clears throat)
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163. - The tender is waiting.
- No! I demand that
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164. - you arrest her!
- You demand it?
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165. I most certainly...
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166. Doudou?
Aide monsieur a bord.
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167. What...? No, I...
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168. Ow!
You people
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169. haven't heard the last
of Whitney Stratton IV!
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170. Oh, I bet we have.
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171. - Pastis?
- Mmm, un petit.
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172. And then you can explain to me
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173. why I hear gunshots
coming from your hotel.
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174. Sterling?
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175. Yeah, sorry.
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176. - There was a rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
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177. - Pam!
- What?
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178. Whatever the reason- idiots—
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179. I can assure you,
that was the last time
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180. - you're ever going to hear...
- (gunshot in distance)
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181. Alors.
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182. What is wrong with you?
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183. - Me?
- (squawks) She's crazy.
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184. - (gasps)
- I'm just trying
to calm her down, you know,
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185. doing my thing,
and then out of nowhere,
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186. the crazy broad grabs the gun
and tries to shoot me.
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187. Me, Crackers!
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188. Because why are you talking?
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189. How can a bird be talking?
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190. He is parrot.
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191. Actually, technically,
I'm a macaw,
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192. which is actually
a type of parrot,
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193. so I-I'm technically
a parrot, actually.
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194. But I mean, technically,
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195. - I'm, you know...
- Rambling?
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196. I almost died, woman!
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197. I know. Here, get
some of this down ya.
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198. I mean...
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199. (panting)
But... but how?
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200. How can he do that?
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201. He's a parrot!
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202. Well...
- Shut up, bird.
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203. He talks.
That's just how it is.
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204. Don't make
a big thing out of it.
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205. Don't make a big thing
out of it?
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206. See!
She just flips!
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207. You destroyed my marriage.
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208. Hey, it takes two to tango.
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209. And obviously, you guys
already had some problems, so...
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210. You want to talk problems?
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211. Zut alors...
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212. My marriage is ruined.
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213. When my family finds out why,
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214. they will disown me.
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215. As will all of New York society.
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216. I have no money,
no job, no skills,
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217. and no prospects,
and it's all your fault!
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218. And so right now,
the only thing I want
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219. in this world,
besides for you to die
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220. of some heretofore unknown
form of eyehole cancer,
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221. is to get off
this godforsaken island!
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222. And... when does it come back?
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223. Ahem. Two weeks?
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224. (sniffs)
And Whitney's on it?
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225. Mm-hmm.
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226. Oh, come on now,
it's not that bad...
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227. He has my passport!
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228. What do you mean?
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229. I mean just that,
it is impossible.
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230. To get a passport,
you have to go to the consulate
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231. in Papeete, on Tahiti.
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232. - Well, how far is that?
- As the crow flies?
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233. Ugh, crows.
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234. On the supply ship
it takes about a week.
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235. - A week?
- It makes other stops.
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236. And it will be here in...
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237. one month.
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238. Of course, it's only
three hours by plane.
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239. Well, news flash, lady:
the plane just left!
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240. Yeah, so, air travel's not
really an option here, Mother.
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241. (gasps)
Well, now, wait a minute...
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242. - Mother...
- Sterling, dear,
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243. couldn't you just
take her in your plane?
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244. - Your what?
- Hey, yeah!
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245. No, actually, Mother, I can't.
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246. Well, why ever not?
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247. Because!
Uh, because...
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248. Presumably...
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249. because you can't tell time.
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250. Her royal highness,
Princess Lanaluakalani.
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251. Latou te iloa.
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252. Votre Altesse.
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253. Ah, Capitaine Reynaud.
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254. Et pourquoi
me parles-tu en français?
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255. Parce que la langue officielle
de Mitimotu est français.
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256. Oui, en ce moment.
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257. Now, can someone
please explain to me
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258. why Mr. Fuchs and I
aren't sipping champagne
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259. in the plane I chartered?
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260. - Uh, well...
- For one thing,
we don't do that.
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261. - And secondly, Fuchs?
- Yeah?
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262. Well, we could, and we're
happy to, Your Highness.
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263. Or-or even...
I-I bet we could even
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264. mix you up some Bellinis.
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265. - We have fresh peaches?
- No.
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266. Then shut up!
The point is, Your Highness,
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267. my plane is your plane.
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268. Well, then...
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269. What? I don't care
who you are, lady,
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270. I've got dibs on that plane.
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271. Reynaud?
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272. I'm very sorry, madame,
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273. but we have strict law
against vagrancy,
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274. and you have no money.
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275. Alors, for your dinner,
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276. one turnip.
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277. You must be kidding.
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278. Are you sure this thing can fly?
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279. Oh, don't worry
about ol' Lucy Goosey.
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280. She may not look like much,
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281. but that's...
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282. mainly cosmetic.
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283. - Well, except for the fue...
- Flaps!
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284. - I just...
- Flaps, goddamn it, flaps!
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285. Okay, Your Highness,
as you requested,
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286. we'll be making a big loop
around the island,
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287. so just sit back and relax.
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288. That is physically impossible.
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289. (German accent): Uh, ja,
this is not a good airplane.
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290. I hope it at least
has parachutes.
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291. There's actually
only three, so...
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292. - (yelps)
- Gott im Himmel!
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293. Oh, yes, I talk.
Get over it.
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294. No, Your Highness, I just meant
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295. it's kinda weird, though, right?
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296. I think he's just
reacting to the music.
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297. Thanks, you just
defined dancing.
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298. Shut up, bird.
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299. No, I mean,
it's not a big island,
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300. so the fact we've never even
run into each other—
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301. kind of weird, right?
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302. No.
And should you...
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303. be drinking?
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304. - Yes.
- I...
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305. So what's your story, Fuchs?
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306. What brings you
out here to Mitimotu?
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307. - Er, uh, well, er...
- Breadfruit.
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308. Oh, ja!
I will make a plantation.
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309. A plantation?
Where?
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310. Down there.
On the island.
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311. Creating many jobs
for our people.
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312. (chuckling) As what—
artisanal coffin builders?
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313. - Was?
- Nothing.
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314. Nothing but danger.
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315. That jungle's stuffed
to the tits with quicksand,
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316. ferocious baboons,
poisonous snakes...
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317. Poisonous frogs.
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318. The frogs are poisonous?
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319. - Mildly.
- Insanely. I mean,
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320. you get hit by a dart
slathered with frog poison...?
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321. - Will you...?
- A dart? From where?
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322. - The cannibals.
- Please!
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323. - What cannibals?
- The...
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324. The Mua Mua!
Man, they are...
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325. Simply a small native tribe
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326. that has had
very limited experience
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327. with people
from the outside world.
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328. - Except as food.
- If you...
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329. Although, compared
to the dragons...
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330. What dragons?
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331. Oh, they're just
extremely big lizards.
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332. You told me
none of these dangers!
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333. Because the dangers...
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334. aren't that dangerous.
And if Mister...
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335. Archer!
- Thank you. If Mister...
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336. No, Archer, come here!
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337. Like, now!
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338. - What's happening?
- Is there a problem?
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339. (chuckles):
No.
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340. What is your problem?
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341. It's not my problem,
it's Lucy's!
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342. Her fuel pressure's dropping!
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343. Son of a...
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344. Why do you always do this?
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345. I mean, I finally
meet someone I might like,
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346. we're having fun,
getting to know each other,
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347. I'm being
super charming, but no,
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348. I'm not allowed to be happy
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349. because you're
a big, jealous baby!
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350. Oh.
You're talking to me?
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351. - Who else is there?
- The fuel pump.
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352. Oh, right.
Okay, I've got a plan.
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353. I'm all ears.
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354. - What is wrong?
- Was ist los?
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355. Nothing, all good.
Have some bubbles.
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356. Feather props!
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357. Feather one!
Feather two!
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358. Nein! Let me go!
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359. Okay, now let me see if we...
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360. - We are going to die up here!
- No, we're not!
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361. Yeah, it's the ground
that kills ya.
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362. - Thanks.
- Eh.
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363. But how can we fly
with no engines?
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364. The same way a bird does...
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365. Flapping around
with hollow bones?
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366. Shut up, bird!
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367. We're gonna glide
right into a smooth landing.
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368. Where?
The island has no runway!
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369. The ocean is the runway.
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370. But...
(startled yelp)
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371. Wh...? No, no, no, no, no, no!
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372. Well, it was.
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373. Goddamn it, Fuchs!
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374. Ach!
Why would someone put
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375. the landing gear control there?
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376. Because they didn't know
you're an asshole?
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377. - Get 'em up!
- Love to...
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378. - But...
- Goddamn it!
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379. - What?
- We can't land on the water
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380. if the frickin' wheels are down!
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381. And if there is no runway...
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382. Oof! What are you doing?
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383. Parachutes!
- (Krieger squawks)
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384. (exclaims) Where
are the parachutes?
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385. Oh, for the...
Pussy!
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386. No, he's right!
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387. - What?
Ah-ha!
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388. - You all gotta bail out!
- Oka atua!
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389. Go on! I'll get us over land,
you get the princess in a chute,
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390. get her down safe,
and get her home safe!
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391. - What about you?
- I'll try to bring Lucy down
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392. easy in the water.
Go on, I'll be fine!
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393. - No, you won't!
- Just go, you big dumb ox!
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394. Wow.
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395. Okay, let's go, Your Fanciness.
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396. Vater Unser im Himmel,
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397. geheiligt werde dein Name...
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398. Better pray
I don't kick your ass...
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399. - What do we do?
What do we do?
- Well, the first thing
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400. you want to do
is take some deep breaths.
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401. While you help her put that on.
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402. You help her!
I am getting...
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403. Ow!
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404. Your fists are like...
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405. Dosenschinken!
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406. (chuckles)
Yeah, I get that a lot.
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407. Hey! We don't have
all day here!
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408. Once we get below
a thousand feet,
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409. those chutes are
basically just laundry!
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410. Hang on, we're almost ready!
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411. Will you hurry up?
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412. Will you shut up?
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413. - There! Happy?
- Not really!
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414. Okay, you two! Jesus!
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415. You can bitch on the way down.
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416. What is all that for?
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417. - Protection.
- (cocks gun)
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418. We weren't kidding
about that jungle.
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419. Come on, Pam, it's now or never!
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420. Let's go, people!
Move! Move! Move!
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421. Ow, my twat!
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422. Good luck.
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423. Except for you, Fuchs.
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424. I hope you wind up as an entree.
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425. Hey, Crackers?
Crackers, come here, buddy!
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426. - Okay, so listen...
- Yeah, not great, huh?
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427. No, no, not great.
I'm gonna do the best I can,
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428. but we're gonna
hit the water pretty hard,
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429. probably even flip over.
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430. - Mm-hmm.
- But there's a bunch of life
jackets in the storage locker,
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431. so I want you to get in there
and hunker down, okay, buddy?
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432. Hopefully that'll
cushion the impact.
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433. Oh. You're talking to me.
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434. Wh...?
Who else would I be...?
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435. - Oh.
- Yeah.
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436. You can fly.
Yeah.
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437. So you're outta here.
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438. Is that weird?
I mean...
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439. Well, yeah, obviously
it's weird if you make it weird.
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440. Okay, you know what?
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441. Asshole!
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442. Yeah, I'm the asshole.
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443. (grunting)
Okay, Lucy, here we go!
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444. Aah!
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445. Next time
on Archer: Danger Island...
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446. Aah!
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447. Fuel pump piece of shit!
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448. Oh.
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449. (laughs)
Woooohoohoohoooo!
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450. Now who's the asshole?
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451. Stupid bird.
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452. Made in Georgia.
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453. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
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454. Will they survive Danger Island?
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455. (crying)
We are going to die
up here.
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456. - No, we're not!
- Yeah. (chuckles)
It's the ground that kills ya.
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457. Thanks.
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458. Archer Danger Island.
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459. All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
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