1. Archer Danger Island.Copy !req
2. He looks so peaceful,
doesn't he?Copy !req
3. Sometimes I wonder
if he's dreaming.Copy !req
4. But then I remember
I don't give a shit.Copy !req
5. - What the...?Copy !req
6. - Who the hell are you?Copy !req
7. - Shut the f...Copy !req
8. - God...Copy !req
9. - Hey!Copy !req
10. Goddamn it!Copy !req
11. What is your problem?Copy !req
12. Patch. Patch.
Eye patch.Copy !req
13. What... Son of a...Copy !req
14. Oh, thanks, lady.Copy !req
15. Hang on.Copy !req
16. Okay, there.
Sorry.Copy !req
17. - Shut up, bird.Copy !req
18. Why are you in here, dummy?Copy !req
19. What...? Because
the frickin' fuel pump'sCopy !req
20. still hinky
and we got that charter.Copy !req
21. - That's tomorrow.
- Ittomorrow.Copy !req
22. - I just said that.
- No, you...Copy !req
23. You've been drunk two days.Copy !req
24. Oh, right.Copy !req
25. So I guess that explains whyCopy !req
26. you're here,
naked lady stranger.Copy !req
27. But why the hell are you crying?Copy !req
28. Buh... Buh...
Buh... Buh...Copy !req
29. Buh-cause...Copy !req
30. it's my ho... ho... ho...Copy !req
31. honeymoon!Copy !req
32. We got married?Copy !req
33. No, you idiot!Copy !req
34. I got married to my husband.Copy !req
35. This is my honeymoon!Copy !req
36. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
37. - For a minute there, I...
- I remember drinking champagneCopy !req
38. in the bar,
and then Whitney went offCopy !req
39. to play roulette
in the back room...Copy !req
40. He just ditched you?
What a jerk.Copy !req
41. Yeah.
Whitney?Copy !req
42. But then it all goes
a bit fuzzy.Copy !req
43. I think that patch
is sexyCopy !req
44. and I kinda want to put
my tongue in there.Copy !req
45. Oh, okay.Copy !req
46. Oh, my God!
What have I done?Copy !req
47. - Well, hopefully not that.Copy !req
48. Charlotte?Copy !req
49. That's him!Copy !req
50. - Who's him?
- My husband!Copy !req
51. - Duh.
- Right?Copy !req
52. Answer me this instant!Copy !req
53. You have to hide me!Copy !req
54. Uh, actually, I do not.Copy !req
55. Wh...? Are you...?Copy !req
56. Ooh! Here!
Hide in here!Copy !req
57. - What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
58. Charlotte!
- Oh, come on, don't be a dick.Copy !req
59. - What?
- Yes, I'm looking for my wife,Copy !req
60. Mrs. Charlotte Stratton?
Née Vandertunt?Copy !req
61. Redhead?
Kind of flibbertigibbity?Copy !req
62. Oh, why, yes,
as a matter of fact.Copy !req
63. Closet.Copy !req
64. What?
- Archer!
Come on, man...Copy !req
65. Charlotte!Copy !req
66. What are you doing?
You're ruining everything!Copy !req
67. Why the hell'd you do that?Copy !req
68. What'd you think,
we're going to run awayCopy !req
69. and live happily ever after?Copy !req
70. - I mean...Copy !req
71. How could I ever trust her?Copy !req
72. - You know, plus she obviouslyCopy !req
73. - makes terrible decisions.
- I'll say.Copy !req
74. - You'll say what?
- What?Copy !req
75. Goddamn it, Manu.
If...Copy !req
76. Sterling!Copy !req
77. Mama wants you.Copy !req
78. Don't call her that!Copy !req
79. Oh, I would just murder that.Copy !req
80. - Me too.
- I meant sexually.Copy !req
81. I meant murder-ly.Copy !req
82. Sterling!Copy !req
83. What, Mother?
Jesus!Copy !req
84. What the hell
is wrong with you?Copy !req
85. Me? He's the one
calling you Mama.Copy !req
86. What?
No, not Manu, you ass.Copy !req
87. Shooting off a gun in my hotel!Copy !req
88. Oh. Oh, right, that.Copy !req
89. - Oh. No, there was a, uh, rat.
- Snake.Copy !req
90. - Rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.Copy !req
91. - Goddamn it.
- Are you finished?Copy !req
92. - Yes.
Well, then, we are finished.Copy !req
93. And apparently
so are the Strattons.Copy !req
94. But then I don't suppose
you'd know anything about that.Copy !req
95. No, I was pretty busy
with the...Copy !req
96. - rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.Copy !req
97. - Goddamn it!
- What?Copy !req
98. - Right?
- I swear to God,Copy !req
99. if you can't learn to keep
that thing in your pants...Copy !req
100. It was actually in a drawer.Copy !req
101. Then you're going to have to
find a new place to live.Copy !req
102. What...? Where else
can I live for free?Copy !req
103. Oh, what, is that your point?Copy !req
104. My point is,
as the majority stakeholderCopy !req
105. in Archer Airways, I'd like to
see a return on my investment.Copy !req
106. Uh, well, yeah, we all would.Copy !req
107. - Sterling!
- And we got a charter.Copy !req
108. - A what?
A boat, you fool.Copy !req
109. I want a boat.Copy !req
110. Why, Mr. Stratton,
you're down early.Copy !req
111. Would you care
for some breakfast?Copy !req
112. Porridge.Copy !req
113. Uh, I'm sorry?Copy !req
114. Save your breath
for cooling yours.Copy !req
115. I want a boat to take me
out to the clipper,Copy !req
116. and I mean this instant.Copy !req
117. - But I don't understand.
Are you...?
- And you!Copy !req
118. I have half a mind to give you
the worst beating of your life.Copy !req
119. All right, now.
You're obviously upset.Copy !req
120. Yeah, you're talking crazy.Copy !req
121. 'Cause he's literally
had the shit beat out of him.Copy !req
122. - 'Member?
- You know...Copy !req
123. Well, then maybe
I'll just sue himCopy !req
124. for alienation of affectionCopy !req
125. and prosecute you for...Copy !req
126. - pandering.
- What?Copy !req
127. Yeah, I don't think
any money changed hands.Copy !req
128. - But if it did,
it would be mine.
- Well...Copy !req
129. Do you people think
this is some sort of joke?Copy !req
130. I will ruin you!Copy !req
131. Oh, all right.Copy !req
132. - Manu, call the tender.
- Yes, Mama.Copy !req
133. And quit calling her that!Copy !req
134. Why does it bother you so much?Copy !req
135. - Seriously?Copy !req
136. Now, while you're waiting,Copy !req
137. perhaps you'd like
to settle your account?Copy !req
138. I really do not get
your sense of humor.Copy !req
139. If you think I'm paying for that
so-called honeymoon suite...Copy !req
140. No no, I was referring
to your markerCopy !req
141. from last night
at the roulette table.Copy !req
142. Oh, all right,
now that it is funny.Copy !req
143. You want me to pay you
for what I lostCopy !req
144. in your illegal gambling den?Copy !req
145. Everyone out!Copy !req
146. This hotel is closed
until further notice!Copy !req
147. How can you close me?
Upon what grounds?Copy !req
148. I am shocked, shocked, to findCopy !req
149. - that gambling
is going on in here!
- Oh, for...Copy !req
150. Ha ha!
Not to mention adultery.Copy !req
151. He seduced my wife.
Arrest him.Copy !req
152. Monsieur, this is
French territory.Copy !req
153. Of course adultery
is not illegal.Copy !req
154. What about consensual buggery?Copy !req
155. Uh, asking for a buddy.Copy !req
156. All right, Reynaud,
cut the merde.Copy !req
157. What do you want?Copy !req
158. Well, we can start with
my winnings from last night.Copy !req
159. - Fair enough.
I beg your...Copy !req
160. Now, just
a damn minute!
Merci.Copy !req
161. - What?Copy !req
162. - The tender is waiting.
- No! I demand thatCopy !req
163. - you arrest her!
- You demand it?Copy !req
164. I most certainly...Copy !req
165. Doudou?
Aide monsieur a bord.Copy !req
166. What...? No, I...Copy !req
167. Ow!
You peopleCopy !req
168. haven't heard the last
of Whitney Stratton IV!Copy !req
169. Oh, I bet we have.Copy !req
170. - Pastis?
- Mmm, un petit.Copy !req
171. And then you can explain to meCopy !req
172. why I hear gunshots
coming from your hotel.Copy !req
173. Sterling?Copy !req
174. Yeah, sorry.Copy !req
175. - There was a rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.Copy !req
176. - Pam!
- What?Copy !req
177. Whatever the reason- idiots—Copy !req
178. I can assure you,
that was the last timeCopy !req
179. - you're ever going to hear...Copy !req
180. Alors.Copy !req
181. What is wrong with you?Copy !req
182. - Me?
She's crazy.Copy !req
183. - I'm just trying
to calm her down, you know,Copy !req
184. doing my thing,
and then out of nowhere,Copy !req
185. the crazy broad grabs the gun
and tries to shoot me.Copy !req
186. Me, Crackers!Copy !req
187. Because why are you talking?Copy !req
188. How can a bird be talking?Copy !req
189. He is parrot.Copy !req
190. Actually, technically,
I'm a macaw,Copy !req
191. which is actually
a type of parrot,Copy !req
192. so I-I'm technically
a parrot, actually.Copy !req
193. But I mean, technically,Copy !req
194. - I'm, you know...
- Rambling?Copy !req
195. I almost died, woman!Copy !req
196. I know. Here, get
some of this down ya.Copy !req
197. I mean...Copy !req
198. But... but how?Copy !req
199. How can he do that?Copy !req
200. He's a parrot!Copy !req
201. Well...
- Shut up, bird.Copy !req
202. He talks.
That's just how it is.Copy !req
203. Don't make
a big thing out of it.Copy !req
204. Don't make a big thing
out of it?Copy !req
205. See!
She just flips!Copy !req
206. You destroyed my marriage.Copy !req
207. Hey, it takes two to tango.Copy !req
208. And obviously, you guys
already had some problems, so...Copy !req
209. You want to talk problems?Copy !req
210. Zut alors...Copy !req
211. My marriage is ruined.Copy !req
212. When my family finds out why,Copy !req
213. they will disown me.Copy !req
214. As will all of New York society.Copy !req
215. I have no money,
no job, no skills,Copy !req
216. and no prospects,
and it's all your fault!Copy !req
217. And so right now,
the only thing I wantCopy !req
218. in this world,
besides for you to dieCopy !req
219. of some heretofore unknown
form of eyehole cancer,Copy !req
220. is to get off
this godforsaken island!Copy !req
221. And... when does it come back?Copy !req
222. Ahem. Two weeks?Copy !req
223. And Whitney's on it?Copy !req
224. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
225. Oh, come on now,
it's not that bad...Copy !req
226. He has my passport!Copy !req
227. What do you mean?Copy !req
228. I mean just that,
it is impossible.Copy !req
229. To get a passport,
you have to go to the consulateCopy !req
230. in Papeete, on Tahiti.Copy !req
231. - Well, how far is that?
- As the crow flies?Copy !req
232. Ugh, crows.Copy !req
233. On the supply ship
it takes about a week.Copy !req
234. - A week?
- It makes other stops.Copy !req
235. And it will be here in...Copy !req
236. one month.Copy !req
237. Of course, it's only
three hours by plane.Copy !req
238. Well, news flash, lady:
the plane just left!Copy !req
239. Yeah, so, air travel's not
really an option here, Mother.Copy !req
240. Well, now, wait a minute...Copy !req
241. - Mother...
- Sterling, dear,Copy !req
242. couldn't you just
take her in your plane?Copy !req
243. - Your what?
- Hey, yeah!Copy !req
244. No, actually, Mother, I can't.Copy !req
245. Well, why ever not?Copy !req
246. Because!
Uh, because...Copy !req
247. Presumably...Copy !req
248. because you can't tell time.Copy !req
249. Her royal highness,
Princess Lanaluakalani.Copy !req
250. Latou te iloa.Copy !req
251. Votre Altesse.Copy !req
252. Ah, Capitaine Reynaud.Copy !req
253. Et pourquoi
me parles-tu en français?Copy !req
254. Parce que la langue officielle
de Mitimotu est français.Copy !req
255. Oui, en ce moment.Copy !req
256. Now, can someone
please explain to meCopy !req
257. why Mr. Fuchs and I
aren't sipping champagneCopy !req
258. in the plane I chartered?Copy !req
259. - Uh, well...
- For one thing,
we don't do that.Copy !req
260. - And secondly, Fuchs?
- Yeah?Copy !req
261. Well, we could, and we're
happy to, Your Highness.Copy !req
262. Or-or even...
I-I bet we could evenCopy !req
263. mix you up some Bellinis.Copy !req
264. - We have fresh peaches?
- No.Copy !req
265. Then shut up!
The point is, Your Highness,Copy !req
266. my plane is your plane.Copy !req
267. Well, then...Copy !req
268. What? I don't care
who you are, lady,Copy !req
269. I've got dibs on that plane.Copy !req
270. Reynaud?Copy !req
271. I'm very sorry, madame,Copy !req
272. but we have strict law
against vagrancy,Copy !req
273. and you have no money.Copy !req
274. Alors, for your dinner,Copy !req
275. one turnip.Copy !req
276. You must be kidding.Copy !req
277. Are you sure this thing can fly?Copy !req
278. Oh, don't worry
about ol' Lucy Goosey.Copy !req
279. She may not look like much,Copy !req
280. but that's...Copy !req
281. mainly cosmetic.Copy !req
282. - Well, except for the fue...
- Flaps!Copy !req
283. - I just...
- Flaps, goddamn it, flaps!Copy !req
284. Okay, Your Highness,
as you requested,Copy !req
285. we'll be making a big loop
around the island,Copy !req
286. so just sit back and relax.Copy !req
287. That is physically impossible.Copy !req
288. Uh, ja,
this is not a good airplane.Copy !req
289. I hope it at least
has parachutes.Copy !req
290. There's actually
only three, so...Copy !req
291. - Gott im Himmel!Copy !req
292. Oh, yes, I talk.
Get over it.Copy !req
293. No, Your Highness, I just meantCopy !req
294. it's kinda weird, though, right?Copy !req
295. I think he's just
reacting to the music.Copy !req
296. Thanks, you just
defined dancing.Copy !req
297. Shut up, bird.Copy !req
298. No, I mean,
it's not a big island,Copy !req
299. so the fact we've never even
run into each other—Copy !req
300. kind of weird, right?Copy !req
301. No.
And should you...Copy !req
302. be drinking?Copy !req
303. - Yes.
- I...Copy !req
304. So what's your story, Fuchs?Copy !req
305. What brings you
out here to Mitimotu?Copy !req
306. - Er, uh, well, er...
- Breadfruit.Copy !req
307. Oh, ja!
I will make a plantation.Copy !req
308. A plantation?
Where?Copy !req
309. Down there.
On the island.Copy !req
310. Creating many jobs
for our people.Copy !req
311. As what—
artisanal coffin builders?Copy !req
312. - Was?
- Nothing.Copy !req
313. Nothing but danger.Copy !req
314. That jungle's stuffed
to the tits with quicksand,Copy !req
315. ferocious baboons,
poisonous snakes...Copy !req
316. Poisonous frogs.Copy !req
317. The frogs are poisonous?Copy !req
318. - Mildly.
- Insanely. I mean,Copy !req
319. you get hit by a dart
slathered with frog poison...?Copy !req
320. - Will you...?
- A dart? From where?Copy !req
321. - The cannibals.
- Please!Copy !req
322. - What cannibals?
- The...Copy !req
323. The Mua Mua!
Man, they are...Copy !req
324. Simply a small native tribeCopy !req
325. that has had
very limited experienceCopy !req
326. with people
from the outside world.Copy !req
327. - Except as food.
- If you...Copy !req
328. Although, compared
to the dragons...Copy !req
329. What dragons?Copy !req
330. Oh, they're just
extremely big lizards.Copy !req
331. You told me
none of these dangers!Copy !req
332. Because the dangers...Copy !req
333. aren't that dangerous.
And if Mister...Copy !req
334. Archer!
- Thank you. If Mister...Copy !req
335. No, Archer, come here!Copy !req
336. Like, now!Copy !req
337. - What's happening?
- Is there a problem?Copy !req
338. No.Copy !req
339. What is your problem?Copy !req
340. It's not my problem,
it's Lucy's!Copy !req
341. Her fuel pressure's dropping!Copy !req
342. Son of a...Copy !req
343. Why do you always do this?Copy !req
344. I mean, I finally
meet someone I might like,Copy !req
345. we're having fun,
getting to know each other,Copy !req
346. I'm being
super charming, but no,Copy !req
347. I'm not allowed to be happyCopy !req
348. because you're
a big, jealous baby!Copy !req
349. Oh.
You're talking to me?Copy !req
350. - Who else is there?
- The fuel pump.Copy !req
351. Oh, right.
Okay, I've got a plan.Copy !req
352. I'm all ears.Copy !req
353. - What is wrong?
- Was ist los?Copy !req
354. Nothing, all good.
Have some bubbles.Copy !req
355. Feather props!Copy !req
356. Feather one!
Feather two!Copy !req
357. Nein! Let me go!Copy !req
358. Okay, now let me see if we...Copy !req
359. - We are going to die up here!
- No, we're not!Copy !req
360. Yeah, it's the ground
that kills ya.Copy !req
361. - Thanks.
- Eh.Copy !req
362. But how can we fly
with no engines?Copy !req
363. The same way a bird does...Copy !req
364. Flapping around
with hollow bones?Copy !req
365. Shut up, bird!Copy !req
366. We're gonna glide
right into a smooth landing.Copy !req
367. Where?
The island has no runway!Copy !req
368. The ocean is the runway.Copy !req
369. But...Copy !req
370. Wh...? No, no, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
371. Well, it was.Copy !req
372. Goddamn it, Fuchs!Copy !req
373. Ach!
Why would someone putCopy !req
374. the landing gear control there?Copy !req
375. Because they didn't know
you're an asshole?Copy !req
376. - Get 'em up!
- Love to...Copy !req
377. - But...
- Goddamn it!Copy !req
378. - What?
- We can't land on the waterCopy !req
379. if the frickin' wheels are down!Copy !req
380. And if there is no runway...Copy !req
381. Oof! What are you doing?Copy !req
382. Parachutes!Copy !req
383. Where
are the parachutes?Copy !req
384. Oh, for the...
Pussy!Copy !req
385. No, he's right!Copy !req
386. - What?
Ah-ha!Copy !req
387. - You all gotta bail out!
- Oka atua!Copy !req
388. Go on! I'll get us over land,
you get the princess in a chute,Copy !req
389. get her down safe,
and get her home safe!Copy !req
390. - What about you?
- I'll try to bring Lucy downCopy !req
391. easy in the water.
Go on, I'll be fine!Copy !req
392. - No, you won't!
- Just go, you big dumb ox!Copy !req
393. Wow.Copy !req
394. Okay, let's go, Your Fanciness.Copy !req
395. Vater Unser im Himmel,Copy !req
396. geheiligt werde dein Name...Copy !req
397. Better pray
I don't kick your ass...Copy !req
398. - What do we do?
What do we do?
- Well, the first thingCopy !req
399. you want to do
is take some deep breaths.Copy !req
400. While you help her put that on.Copy !req
401. You help her!
I am getting...Copy !req
402. Ow!Copy !req
403. Your fists are like...Copy !req
404. Dosenschinken!Copy !req
405. Yeah, I get that a lot.Copy !req
406. Hey! We don't have
all day here!Copy !req
407. Once we get below
a thousand feet,Copy !req
408. those chutes are
basically just laundry!Copy !req
409. Hang on, we're almost ready!Copy !req
410. Will you hurry up?Copy !req
411. Will you shut up?Copy !req
412. - There! Happy?
- Not really!Copy !req
413. Okay, you two! Jesus!Copy !req
414. You can bitch on the way down.Copy !req
415. What is all that for?Copy !req
416. - Protection.Copy !req
417. We weren't kidding
about that jungle.Copy !req
418. Come on, Pam, it's now or never!Copy !req
419. Let's go, people!
Move! Move! Move!Copy !req
420. Ow, my twat!Copy !req
421. Good luck.Copy !req
422. Except for you, Fuchs.Copy !req
423. I hope you wind up as an entree.Copy !req
424. Hey, Crackers?
Crackers, come here, buddy!Copy !req
425. - Okay, so listen...
- Yeah, not great, huh?Copy !req
426. No, no, not great.
I'm gonna do the best I can,Copy !req
427. but we're gonna
hit the water pretty hard,Copy !req
428. probably even flip over.Copy !req
429. - Mm-hmm.
- But there's a bunch of life
jackets in the storage locker,Copy !req
430. so I want you to get in there
and hunker down, okay, buddy?Copy !req
431. Hopefully that'll
cushion the impact.Copy !req
432. Oh. You're talking to me.Copy !req
433. Wh...?
Who else would I be...?Copy !req
434. - Oh.
- Yeah.Copy !req
435. You can fly.
Yeah.Copy !req
436. So you're outta here.Copy !req
437. Is that weird?
I mean...Copy !req
438. Well, yeah, obviously
it's weird if you make it weird.Copy !req
439. Okay, you know what?Copy !req
440. Asshole!Copy !req
441. Yeah, I'm the asshole.Copy !req
442. Okay, Lucy, here we go!Copy !req
443. Aah!Copy !req
444. Next time
on Archer: Danger Island...Copy !req
445. Aah!Copy !req
446. Fuel pump piece of shit!Copy !req
447. Oh.Copy !req
448. Woooohoohoohoooo!Copy !req
449. Now who's the asshole?Copy !req
450. Stupid bird.Copy !req
451. Made in Georgia.Copy !req
452. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBHCopy !req
453. Will they survive Danger Island?Copy !req
454. We are going to die
up here.Copy !req
455. - No, we're not!
- Yeah.
It's the ground that kills ya.Copy !req
456. Thanks.Copy !req
457. Archer Danger Island.Copy !req
458. All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.Copy !req