1. Wait, here's an idea:Copy !req
2. You talk louder,
maybe they'll come to us.Copy !req
3. We'd lose the element of surprise, Lana.Copy !req
4. That was sarcasm.Copy !req
5. No way, really?
Because so was that, just now.Copy !req
6. I pretty much insist that you shut up.Copy !req
7. Shit, they're in the armory.Copy !req
8. Good, we got them.Copy !req
9. This is the only way out.
Of the armory.Copy !req
10. I heard you. And I can also read, so...Copy !req
11. So, what's in the armory?Copy !req
12. Burglars, Lana, that's why I'm here
and not up to my ears in stewardess.Copy !req
13. What else is in the armory?Copy !req
14. Well, a bunch of automatic weapons,
rocket launchers...Copy !req
15. uh, about a jillion grenades... Oh.Copy !req
16. They may have fire superiority.
You think?Copy !req
17. For all we know they're building
a Gundam suit with bazookas for hands.Copy !req
18. Really wish we had some backup.
Who, Cyril?Copy !req
19. Or, oh, maybe Ray could
run over them with his wheelchair.Copy !req
20. That was also sarcasm, since apparently
now we're saying whenever we do it.Copy !req
21. Are you ready?
No.Copy !req
22. Sarcasm again. Yes, I'm ready.Copy !req
23. What are you doing?
Nothing!Copy !req
24. Archer!
What...Copy !req
25. the hell are you doing?
Nothing. What're y'all doing?Copy !req
26. The alarm company called us because
the motion sensors were going off.Copy !req
27. Dukes.
Yeah, we got new keycodes Monday...Copy !req
28. but you were... Where was it?
Physical therapy.Copy !req
29. For your limp, useless legs.Copy !req
30. Well, it's obviously working,
you're on a...Copy !req
31. Wait a minute!
How are you walking around on ladders?Copy !req
32. Because he's not paralyzed!
And is that not the stuff of miracles?Copy !req
33. You lying little...
I never said I was paralyzed!Copy !req
34. Y'all just assumed I was!Copy !req
35. Because you left the hospital
in a wheelchair!Copy !req
36. They make you!Copy !req
37. Then I couldn't get a cab,
so I got back in the chair and...Copy !req
38. Spent the last six months pretending
to be handicapped.Copy !req
39. Handi-capable.Copy !req
40. Before I kick this ladder over
in the hopes of paralyzing you for real...Copy !req
41. why are you in here
stealing guns and grenades...Copy !req
42. in what better not be
my night-vision goggles?Copy !req
43. I kind of have some family problems.Copy !req
44. So your brother, the drug dealer...
He's not a drug dealer! He's a drug farmer.Copy !req
45. Whatever, is gonna be murdered
by your hometown's crooked sheriff?Copy !req
46. E.Z. Ponder, yeah, and he used to
bully me so bad in high school...Copy !req
47. No! Ray, that was sarcasm.Copy !req
48. Anyway, he wants Randy's dope farm for
himself or he'll kill him, so I gotta go and...Copy !req
49. stop him.
Count me in.Copy !req
50. What? Why?Copy !req
51. Well, for one thing, it's eerily similar
to the plot of White Lightning...Copy !req
52. and this is Ray's brother.
What's more important than family?Copy !req
53. Mm, getting hammered on moonshine
and trying to bang skanky trailer chicks?Copy !req
54. Um, trying?
Oh, that reminds me.Copy !req
55. Um, they all think I'm married to,
like, a woman, so...Copy !req
56. Oh, all right, I'll be your beard.Copy !req
57. What are you, insane? "Hey y'all,
here's my great big old black wife!"Copy !req
58. Lana, come on. You're gigantic.Copy !req
59. Now, what's all this nonsense
about a break-in last night?Copy !req
60. I swear to God,
if Krieger was doing more of his...Copy !req
61. What's his new, awful thing?Copy !req
62. Ultimate Bum Shockfights, and no,
it looks like it was an actual break-in.Copy !req
63. What?
Jeezy Petes!Copy !req
64. Did they get into the mainframe?
I don't know, but...Copy !req
65. We need Sterling. Where is he?Copy !req
66. He's tracking down...Copy !req
67. um, leads. From the clues.Copy !req
68. That there were some of.Copy !req
69. What kind of clues?
The kind I'm gonna show you...Copy !req
70. if you're not too busy
shutting up to come on.Copy !req
71. Put Sterling through
the minute he calls in!Copy !req
72. Which I guess will be never.Copy !req
73. So are there just no towers here?Copy !req
74. Or have we literally gone back in time?Copy !req
75. - Both.
- Ow! You dumb idiot!Copy !req
76. Great.Copy !req
77. Why am I in a, whatever, dune buggy?Copy !req
78. Remember? We picked you up last night,
said we were going on a trip?Copy !req
79. No, and to where? Six Flags Over
The Shittier Parts of Chernobyl?Copy !req
80. Ferlin, West Virginia.
Yeah, and you and Ray are married.Copy !req
81. Oh, my God, oh, my God!
We're not actually...Copy !req
82. Actually, it'll be better if she thinks...
We're married!Copy !req
83. Super.
Ray, look out!Copy !req
84. Is that the sheriff
and have you recently gone insane?Copy !req
85. Yes and no.
Respectively?Copy !req
86. Now, I know that ain't who I think it is.Copy !req
87. - No shit! Ray Gillet!
- Gillet?Copy !req
88. How in the hell are you?
Pretty good, E.Z. How you doing?Copy !req
89. Can't complain.
Ain't nobody'd listen if I did.Copy !req
90. I hear that.
You hear what?Copy !req
91. Not that?Copy !req
92. What brings you back up the holler?Copy !req
93. Oh, you know, just wanted to show off
my pretty new bride to the home folks.Copy !req
94. Mm, she is that.Copy !req
95. For a minute there I was thinking
maybe you come back...Copy !req
96. to help your brother out with his...Copy !req
97. business concerns.
No, just back for a visit.Copy !req
98. Well, make sure it's a short one.Copy !req
99. Because believe me when I tell you,
ain't nothing you can do to help him.Copy !req
100. Y'all drive safe now, hear?Copy !req
101. Man. Is it me or is he super menacing?Copy !req
102. Or super hot?
Hey! Remember? We're married?Copy !req
103. Not until it's consummated.Copy !req
104. I'll drive if you wanna hop back there
and, um, enter her.Copy !req
105. So not only is Ray not paralyzed,
but his brother is a drug dealer...Copy !req
106. Farmer.
He and Archer are in West Virginia doing...Copy !req
107. What are they doing?
Fighting a war on the war on drugs?Copy !req
108. Goddamn it.Copy !req
109. What?
You should've looked under the stalls.Copy !req
110. I did! Wait, I did.
I usually put my feet up on the grab bars.Copy !req
111. Ugh. Anyway,
this is all obviously unauthorized...Copy !req
112. but I promised Ray
we'd cover for him, so...Copy !req
113. Oh, no! I'm not getting mixed up in this,
and if Ms. Archer asks me...Copy !req
114. Why is it that every time
I need to use the restroom...Copy !req
115. you people are in here
skulking around looking guilty?Copy !req
116. Uh...Copy !req
117. I'll tell you why they look guilty.Copy !req
118. Because they, or we, I guess,
don't know how to tell you...Copy !req
119. that the break-in was
a lot worse than we thought.Copy !req
120. How much worse?Copy !req
121. Uh, well, it's really hard to say.Copy !req
122. But rest assured we are on it,
and Archer is on it, and...Copy !req
123. We're on it.
Well, I want an update in one hour!Copy !req
124. And why does it always reek of paint?Copy !req
125. Well, there she is. The old homestead.Copy !req
126. Jesus, what's my dowry? Tetanus?
Hey, you know what?Copy !req
127. Jesus!Copy !req
128. That's far enough, you sons of bitches!Copy !req
129. Randy, it's me! Ray! Your brother!Copy !req
130. Don't you move. Don't move a inch.Copy !req
131. What do you mean "don't move"?
I came to help you, asshole!Copy !req
132. Well, you ain't gonna be much help
with your legs blown off.Copy !req
133. There's mines all in the yard.Copy !req
134. Ray, to be honest, I'm kind of having
second thoughts about this whole thing.Copy !req
135. Uh, get in line.
Randy Gillet, where are your manners?Copy !req
136. Get these folks a map of that damn
minefield so they can come inside.Copy !req
137. I got some nice hot pie for them.Copy !req
138. Okay, now I'm having third thoughts.
Oh, please don't.Copy !req
139. It would be rude not to eat her pie.Copy !req
140. Which I assume is not only hot
but also moist.Copy !req
141. Although hopefully not flaky.Copy !req
142. And so E.Z. Gave me a choice:Copy !req
143. Give him my whole dang operation,
get out of the holler by sundown...Copy !req
144. or else him and his boys'll just take it
and grind me up into fertilizer.Copy !req
145. Well...
But listen to me, just yapping.Copy !req
146. Tell me about this
pretty new wife of yours.Copy !req
147. Because I'm kind of surprised
to see you married.Copy !req
148. Ha, ha, ha.
Homeboy knows what I'm talking about.Copy !req
149. He does?
A New York City interior decorator?Copy !req
150. That's what you went with?
Bet you're up to your eyeballs in poontang!Copy !req
151. Oh, yeah, just so many...Copy !req
152. vaginas.
Oh, no offense, darling.Copy !req
153. Ahem. None taken.Copy !req
154. Want some more of my pie, Mr. Archer?Copy !req
155. No!
Yes!Copy !req
156. Thank you, Janelle, I would love
more of your moist and hot pie.Copy !req
157. - Well, then open wide.
- Okay!Copy !req
158. Folks, we can't sit around
eating her pie all day.Copy !req
159. We got a situation here.Copy !req
160. Krieger's running the logs to see
if any files were accessed last night.Copy !req
161. Who the hell could have done this?Copy !req
162. Who knows? ODIN, the KGB...
Actually...Copy !req
163. But this will take hours, so we'll just
bring you a report when it's done.Copy !req
164. Actually...
Krieger. More type, less gripe.Copy !req
165. And has anyone heard from Sterling?
No... Yes! He's out...Copy !req
166. on the case.
Well I want some answers, and soon.Copy !req
167. And since there's nothing in these logs,
I, too, would like some answers.Copy !req
168. So here's the thing...Copy !req
169. If I can just get what I got
to my distributor, I can retire.Copy !req
170. Maybe move up to New York City with you.
I... What, where, do what?Copy !req
171. Heh, I'm kidding. Last thing you want's
your redneck brother hanging around.Copy !req
172. No, it's not that, it's...
Plus I'd rather kill myself.Copy !req
173. Nothing up there
but a bunch of you-know-whats.Copy !req
174. Yeah, there are a lot of them.Copy !req
175. Don't see how you stand it.Copy !req
176. Anyhow...Copy !req
177. Dude.
Awesome.Copy !req
178. - Sweet, gracious God.
- This here's what E.Z. Wants.Copy !req
179. How did you afford all this?
Farm subsidy.Copy !req
180. He told the government he's growing
corn for "high-flooktose" syrup.Copy !req
181. But damned if I'm gonna contribute
to the obesity epidemic.Copy !req
182. Hey, a man's gotta have a code.
Right?Copy !req
183. I put my heart and soul into this...Copy !req
184. but now it's either roll over
for that sheriff like a dog or fight.Copy !req
185. Like a different, better dog.Copy !req
186. So is it just E.Z. Coming, or...?
No.Copy !req
187. The whole sheriff's department.
I'd say 20 men...Copy !req
188. AR-15s, maybe grenades.
Oh, dogs! Duh.Copy !req
189. Ray, I'm having fourth thoughts.Copy !req
190. Well, I got a few tricks up my sleeve.Copy !req
191. Janelle, why don't you take Mr. Archer
and show him the defensive perimeter?Copy !req
192. I'd be delighted.
Whoa, no, wait a second...Copy !req
193. Fifth thoughts!
Archer!Copy !req
194. Don't worry, she won't bite.Copy !req
195. But speaking of, it's about suppertime.Copy !req
196. You still partial to fried chicken?Copy !req
197. I'll cook it!
If someone shaves it or whatever.Copy !req
198. What...?
What in the...? Janelle? Janelle!Copy !req
199. Randy, wait! Dukes!Copy !req
200. So is there, like,
special chicken shaving cream, or?Copy !req
201. First of all, that is a rooster!Copy !req
202. Yeah, like Kenny Rogers' Roosters.
Roasters! Randy, wait!Copy !req
203. And just what the hell is this?Copy !req
204. Um, well, I'll tell you what it's not,
which is what it looks like.Copy !req
205. I got caught on the fence,
Mr. Archer tried to get me loose...Copy !req
206. You better get your ass in that house.Copy !req
207. Do you wanna have sex with my wife?Copy !req
208. No, I swear, this was just an extremely
unlikely mishap with the barbed wire.Copy !req
209. Because we would be amenable to that.Copy !req
210. Well? Why you look so nonplussed?Copy !req
211. Because I wasn't sure if you knew
what amenable actually meant.Copy !req
212. Until you followed it up with nonplussed.Copy !req
213. See, me and Janelle got us
one of them open marriages...Copy !req
214. like in France.
Oh, right, in Europe.Copy !req
215. And I would really like
that open marriage to include...Copy !req
216. Ray's new wife.
What?Copy !req
217. Now, look, that's in the Bible.
Really?Copy !req
218. Genesis 38, verse eight.
Really?Copy !req
219. Even though Ray used to be a preacher,
he was never big on the Old Testament.Copy !req
220. I could see that.
So I doubt he'd wanna reciprocate.Copy !req
221. So I just need you to keep him busy
while I have sex with his wife...Copy !req
222. And then I get to have sex with...
My wife, you son of a bitch!Copy !req
223. Yeah, I think I got...
So where the hell's your damn pants?Copy !req
224. They're on the fence!
Goddamn it, Archer!Copy !req
225. Hang on...
Archer, shut up!Copy !req
226. Ray, he was... And then poor Janelle...Copy !req
227. Oh, I gotta go make sure she's okay!Copy !req
228. And you better have a talk with him!Copy !req
229. I will, Randy, I'm sorry.
A good, long talk.Copy !req
230. Like, talk for about 40, 45 minutes.Copy !req
231. Okay, so...
Aah.Copy !req
232. I have never, in my entire life, been
as disgusted as I am at this moment.Copy !req
233. Well, give it a minute.Copy !req
234. What do you mean, a cyber-attack?Copy !req
235. Apparently the intruders downloaded
a virus into the mainframe.Copy !req
236. So this all needs to come out.Copy !req
237. The mainframe is Krieger's baby.
How'd you get him to go in?Copy !req
238. I told him I'd get Pam to fight
in his Ultimate Bum Shockfights.Copy !req
239. Is it called that because...Copy !req
240. paying homeless men
to fight is shocking?Copy !req
241. Nope.Copy !req
242. Well, hello there, game-changer.Copy !req
243. He what?
Yeah, apparently it's in the Bible?Copy !req
244. No, it isn't!Copy !req
245. It did sound too cool for the Bible.Copy !req
246. But why do you care? A, you're gay...Copy !req
247. and B, you and Carol
aren't really married.Copy !req
248. But Randy thinks we are!Copy !req
249. Yeah, but...
That's actually a really good point.Copy !req
250. I am gonna beat him like a rented mule!Copy !req
251. Now that sounds like something
from the Bible.Copy !req
252. She in there?
Yeah. Where's mine at?Copy !req
253. In the woods with Ray.Copy !req
254. - You gotta wait till later, maybe after supper.
- No kissing.Copy !req
255. I wasn't... That is the weirdest rule.Copy !req
256. I know, right? Some honeymoon.Copy !req
257. Oh, hey, do I do the face?Copy !req
258. And where the hell is Sterling
when I need him?Copy !req
259. You've reached Sterling Archer's voicemail.Copy !req
260. Please leave a message.Copy !req
261. Wha...? Finally, a non-idiotic greeting.Copy !req
262. Sterling, I want an update, so call me
the instant you get this mess...Copy !req
263. The voice mailbox of...Copy !req
264. Sterling Archer.Copy !req
265. - Is full. Goodbye.
- Idiot. Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
266. Come here, you skinny-legged
son of a bitch!Copy !req
267. Oh! Sorry.
That's okay, they're not my best feature.Copy !req
268. No, I was...
Not important.Copy !req
269. What is important is that
Randy gave me a Bible lesson.Copy !req
270. Yeah? And what did the Bible say?Copy !req
271. Well, Janelle, obviously the actual scripture
is open to interpretation...Copy !req
272. but what I took away from it...Copy !req
273. is that we should go in the barn...Copy !req
274. and screw our brains out
on a huge pile of marijuana.Copy !req
275. It didn't say nothing about a rubber,
did it?Copy !req
276. It did not.Copy !req
277. Ray's still up in the woods, right?
Uh... Oh.Copy !req
278. Uh, no, he actually said
he wanted to talk to...Copy !req
279. Randy!Copy !req
280. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
now hang on a second!Copy !req
281. You white trash piece of...Copy !req
282. Randy!Copy !req
283. Yes. Randy. Which I probably
should've mentioned earlier.Copy !req
284. Don't judge me. Food.Copy !req
285. You lucky I didn't kill you.
You're lucky I didn't kill you!Copy !req
286. While you were in bed with my wife!
Our marriage was never consummated!Copy !req
287. And I think we all know why.
Carol!Copy !req
288. There's plenty of blame to go around
here. I don't think I deserve any, but...Copy !req
289. You were gonna screw her!
Yeah, so? Is that still on, or?Copy !req
290. Carol?
Wha...?Copy !req
291. Somebody,
come on, promises were made.Copy !req
292. Just like you promised Mama and Daddy
you'd always take care of me.Copy !req
293. And here we go.
They weren't even cold in the ground...Copy !req
294. before you were gallivanting
around Europe!Copy !req
295. It was the Olympics!Copy !req
296. Which you lost!
Bronze medal is not losing!Copy !req
297. Then off to New York City.
You can just say New York.Copy !req
298. To be a hoity-toity interior decorator.
You can just say decorator.Copy !req
299. Whatever, I don't know why
I thought he could help save my farm.Copy !req
300. Because your job? That's a job for sissies.
Oh, yeah? Well, guess what!Copy !req
301. Ray is not an interior decorator.Copy !req
302. I... No, you know what?
Yes, shut up.Copy !req
303. Randy, your seemingly effeminate brother
is actually a highly trained secret agent.Copy !req
304. Pssh. Yeah, and I'm something
equally hard to believe is true.Copy !req
305. It is true, that's why I married him.Copy !req
306. Well, and the bronze medal.
Prove it.Copy !req
307. What do you want, a business card?Copy !req
308. Where do you think he got
a bag full of assault weapons?Copy !req
309. Well, y'all do live in New York City.
Just New York.Copy !req
310. Ray? Is he telling the truth?Copy !req
311. Mostly.
So because you're a spy...Copy !req
312. is that why you never
come back to visit?Copy !req
313. Mm, also mostly.Copy !req
314. Aw. And here all this time I thought
it was because you were ashamed of us.Copy !req
315. Oh, come on, why would you think that?
Well, I found a bunch of your old diaries.Copy !req
316. Obviously not the one
with Miss Piggy on it.Copy !req
317. No, Daddy said he burned that one.Copy !req
318. Ah, great.
And I am sorry I screwed your wife.Copy !req
319. And I'm sorry if I ever made you
feel like I was ashamed of you.Copy !req
320. The important thing
is you came back to help me.Copy !req
321. Come on, that's what family's all ab...Copy !req
322. Shit!
Oh, damn it!Copy !req
323. Randy Gillet! This is Sheriff E.Z. Ponder!Copy !req
324. Come out of there with your hands up!Copy !req
325. Oh. That son of a bitch is early.Copy !req
326. I don't know, "sundown" sounds
more colloquial than an actual...Copy !req
327. If you wanna back out on me,
now's probably the time to do that.Copy !req
328. Randy, you may be a racist, homophobic,
wife-swapping drug dealer...Copy !req
329. Farmer.
but nobody murders my brother.Copy !req
330. The Gillet boys, side by side.Copy !req
331. Janelle, cover that window yonder.
Archer, got a little fight in you?Copy !req
332. Whoo! Ugh. Yeah, I'm pretty furious
about not getting to bang Janelle.Copy !req
333. Plus I want to unleash
the power of moonshine.Copy !req
334. Then grab a gun and cover that window!
What should I do?Copy !req
335. I got red hot pokers laying in that fire.Copy !req
336. If anybody gets hit,
you grab one and slap iron to it.Copy !req
337. Awesome.
And remember, it's us or them.Copy !req
338. So this is how it's gonna be, huh?Copy !req
339. Randy, I didn't want it like this!
Now, come on, I tried to reason with you!Copy !req
340. Reason with this!Copy !req
341. All right, then! Light them up!Copy !req
342. Ow!
Janelle! Are you hit?Copy !req
343. No! A piece of glas...Copy !req
344. Well, don't just sit there! Shoot!Copy !req
345. Ugh. I can't. I feel sick. What's happening?
Do I have cancer again?Copy !req
346. You drank too much!
That's a thing?Copy !req
347. Looks like it's just you and me, brother.Copy !req
348. Randy, you don't have to do this.Copy !req
349. They'll go easy on you.
Hell, the judge is my wife's cousin.Copy !req
350. I bet he'll give you probation.Copy !req
351. Oh, please! You're gonna murder him
so you can take over his dope farm!Copy !req
352. What? Cease fire! Hold your fire!Copy !req
353. Why in the world would you think that I,
a peace officer sworn to uphold the law...Copy !req
354. would wanna murder your brother
and get his marijuana farm?Copy !req
355. I... Because that's what Randy said!
Randy's a drug dealer.Copy !req
356. Farmer!
And I tried to get him to quit.Copy !req
357. I come to him as a friend...Copy !req
358. I come to him as an elder of the church,
but he wouldn't give it up.Copy !req
359. And so now I gotta come to him as the law.
And you accuse me of planning a murder?Copy !req
360. Well, you did used to pick on me a bunch.
Well, I'm sorry.Copy !req
361. I was a dick in high school.Copy !req
362. But you gotta admit,
you were extremely pick-on-able.Copy !req
363. There's nothing wrong with Capezios!Copy !req
364. Randy? Is he telling the truth?Copy !req
365. Mostly.
Randy!Copy !req
366. You almost got me and my friends killed!Copy !req
367. Because you could never
be bothered to get a real job!Copy !req
368. Well, I only got to ninth grade!Copy !req
369. How else was I supposed to
earn a living? Digging 'seng?Copy !req
370. There is a perfectly good coal mine
not a half-mile from here.Copy !req
371. And maybe you wouldn't get rich,
but at least it's an honest living.Copy !req
372. Yeah, but it's hard.Copy !req
373. So is this.Copy !req
374. Randy!
Shut up. And Mama never liked you.Copy !req
375. E.Z., don't shoot! Ahem, I'm coming out!Copy !req
376. Ha, ha, ha. Phrasing.Copy !req
377. Here's the files you had me pull.Copy !req
378. Ow! What the hell is on your hands?
My bum-zappers.Copy !req
379. For the shockfights?Copy !req
380. That I'm doing for Krieger, which is why he
broke the server, to help Lana cover up...Copy !req
381. that Ray and Archer
are killing cops for a dealer...Copy !req
382. and Ray's been faking
that he's paralyzed?Copy !req
383. Lana!Copy !req
384. Or are we not telling you that?Copy !req
385. No.Copy !req
386. Thank God you guys got here
before they started killing hostages.Copy !req
387. Which would have been us.
As the hostages.Copy !req
388. You lying-ass bitch!Copy !req
389. She's mad because I slept with Randy.Copy !req
390. To get food for my fellow hostages.Copy !req
391. So, uh, you really think you can
fix it so I just get probation?Copy !req
392. Oh, God, no, I just said that.Copy !req
393. All these drugs and weapons,
attempted murder of police officers.Copy !req
394. You'll probably die in prison.
Oh.Copy !req
395. Will you come visit me?Copy !req
396. Probably not.
Because you're a spy and all?Copy !req
397. Um...
He's a highly trained secret agent.Copy !req
398. Is that right? Well, listen here.Copy !req
399. If you ever find your way back up
in the holler, give me a call.Copy !req
400. I think I got myself a extra pair of Capezios
lying around somewheres.Copy !req
401. Uh, okay.Copy !req
402. Should I, just... Just 911?
All right, let's move them out!Copy !req
403. Well, that's just great.
Everybody gets laid in the holler but me.Copy !req
404. Well, and you, I guess.Copy !req
405. Since they ate your husband.Copy !req
406. Dan Lather. Ha, ha, ha.Copy !req