1. Ugh, what is that?
Copy !req
2. I've never smelled
that smell in America.
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3. I live in a
"transitional" neighborhood.
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4. As the crack dealers
move to nicer ones?
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5. This better be good, Krieger.
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6. I mean hula girls, a replica volcano, some —
I have something better!
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7. A surprise!
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8. I hate surprises.
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9. Except surprise fellatio.
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10. That I like.
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11. The non-Midnight Cowboy kind.
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12. Yeah, no, you
can breathe easy.
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13. Actually I can
barely breathe at all.
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14. - Oh, probably the bathroom...
- Jesus, it's a —
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15. A shared bath.
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16. I was going to
say a literal shithole.
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17. Krieger, how and why do you live here?
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18. I use my salary
for "pet" projects.
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19. Nope! Nope!
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20. I had Korean barbecue for lunch, I
cannot look at a Dr. Moreau pig-baby.
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21. Relax, you're gonna love this.
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22. No I'm not, and
also I need to pee.
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23. Don't be nervous,
I'm not gonna rape you.
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24. Jesus Christ!
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25. But you were gonna flay
me like a perch?
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26. Wh-?
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27. No, that's a wetsuit!
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28. Of human flesh?
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29. Neoprene!
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30. I'm a certified diver.
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31. Why's it skin-colored?
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32. It's not if you're black.
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33. What is it with
serial killers and skin?
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34. I'm not a... serial killer.
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35. Wait, why'd
you emphasize serial?
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36. I didn't, what?
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37. Are we doing, did I mention
I have a surprise for you?
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38. Krieger!
Equal parts soju sangria and fear-induced
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39. adrenaline means I have to pee.
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40. And not in that sick bathroom, so—
O.K. There's a utility
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41. sink in my lab.
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42. Right.
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43. Well. Except for the one.
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44. Uh, is the surprise
that you're pirating cable?
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45. No, no, Archer,
I've finally cracked it!
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46. Wow, amazing, you can play YYZ.
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47. First of all, it's Y-Y-Zed,
and second of all, no, I can't yet,
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48. it's impossible.
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49. Well —
And third of all, wrong thing!
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50. Oh my God.
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51. Krieger.
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52. Is that...?
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53. But how did...?
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54. - I mean, at our wedding...
- I know.
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55. - There was a lot of confusion...
- Noooooo!
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56. Katyaaa!
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57. No-ho-ho-hooooo!
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58. Gross and/or ick, and is she...?
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59. Alive?
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60. Yeah, man.
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61. Flick her titty.
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62. Katya!
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63. You're alive!
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64. Well, on, technically.
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65. Either way, you're welcome.
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66. My sweet, beautiful Katya!
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67. It's you!
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68. My darlink Sterlink, you awake
me like the prince of Snow White!
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69. I love you!
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70. I... I love you!
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71. Krieger thank you, this is the —
why do you have an erection?
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72. I'm happy.
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73. Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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74. Archer 3x08
Skin Game
Original Air Date on March 8, 2012
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75. BluRay resync by Atrus
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76. Here they are!
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77. God, geese at the trough.
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78. What?
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79. Are you - thanks for
startiar my sentence for me -
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80. people standing around for?
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81. It's Bear Claw Monday.
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82. And almost nine-thirty,
Pam, in case you were thinking
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83. about, I dunno, working.
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84. Jeez, somebody's raring to go.
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85. Because I burn clean, Cyril.
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86. Because I don't glop up my
engine with bear claws.
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87. And also because —
Hello, friends of ISIS!
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88. - And also because Katya needs a W—
- Holy shitzombies!
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89. I know, right?
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90. Still crazy hot.
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91. How —
Well for one thing, no bear claws.
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92. is she even here?
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93. Wait, does this mean you and me —
Pam!
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94. I swear to God, if you people
can't keep it down, this is the last
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95. Bear Claw Mon —
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96. Am I seeing things?
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97. - No, she's really here...
- Ow, ahh!
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98. And if we don't file her
W-9 that first check will take,
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99. like, eight weeks.
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100. - I'm sorry, I'm a little confused...
- What, by the
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101. dead woman standing here?
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102. Dressed like a whore?
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103. Dead woman my
still-shapely ass.
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104. She's obviously a double, carved up by
KGB plastic surgeons to look like Katya,
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105. and —
How dare you?
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106. I'm sorry?
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107. How dare you fail to recognize
my greatest accomplishment to date?
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108. You finally nailed YYZ?
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109. It's zed!
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110. And no, Neil Peart stands alone.
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111. I was referring... to this!
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112. Katya? On the flourish?
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113. Is when —
Oh! Sorry, doktor...
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114. Just like
the gypsy woman said!
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115. You need to quit going to her.
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116. And you need your head
examined if you think that
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117. abomination is ever
going to work for ISIS!
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118. Abomination?
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119. Baby, come on,
you're not an abomination.
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120. I mean, that's your
original skin, right?
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121. Hobo.
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122. What?
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123. Yes.
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124. See?
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125. But —
Hang on, hang on.
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126. Katya-person.
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127. I'm still processing the
fact that you're a cyborg.
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128. Yeah, way to bury the lead.
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129. Who're you, Horace Greeley?
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130. And also, was I not clear about that?
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131. No!
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132. - Although she does feel a bit clammy...
- Ow! Stop it!
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133. You stop it!
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134. Just because she's a cyborg
doesn't mean you can feel her up!
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135. Da, I hef feelinks
just like all of you.
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136. - I feel love, I leff, I sometimes cry...
- Albeit a
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137. saline-lubricant solution.
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138. Which reminds me, we need to talk about
other, um, internal lubricants like —
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139. Stop!
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140. That sounds like a private matter.
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141. Yeah, that's what I'm talking ab—
And Katya!
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142. My lovely lady.
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143. Needs to go with Pam now
to do her stupid W-9.
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144. But Ms. Archer said—
What, Pam?
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145. That she's so jealous of my love for
Katya, she won't hire a world-class spy
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146. who also, spoiler alert, can do this?
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147. Babe, you wanna...?
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148. - Oh! Sorry, darlink...
- Hey!
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149. Wait, or do I mean sploosh?
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150. Ya know, it's probably not the
worst idea in the world to have...
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151. someone like her working at ISIS, since—
Since you wanna
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152. screw affirmative action?
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153. Since the KGB has
someone like Barry!
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154. Barry!
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155. Thet, thet —
Don't worry about Barry.
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156. I'm never gonna let him
hurt you again, baby.
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157. Ha!
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158. It is Barry who should worry!
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159. If I ever see thet zloi
mudak again, I —
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160. Don't worry, you won't!
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161. Yeah he never
calls, he never writes...
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162. So just go with Pam
to do your paperwork —
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163. And I'll go try
to convince Malory
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164. that you'll be an asset to ISIS.
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165. Thank you Lana, that's —
So not doing it for you.
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166. So don't care.
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167. So! Robocop!
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168. Pro or con?
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169. Neither!
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170. I don't want her to be an ISIS agent,
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171. and I certainly don't want her
and Sterling back together!
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172. Well, I can
understand the latter —
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173. I mean, who wears bangs?
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174. — but it can't hurt to
level the playing field,
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175. now that —
Nikolai has been murdered.
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176. By the new head of the KGB,
who is also a cyborg.
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177. Just like
the gypsy woman said!
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178. Oh for —!
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179. - Oh, alright...
- Really?
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180. Katya can be an ISIS agent?
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181. Probationary.
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182. But if I find out the KGB is behind this —
You won't!
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183. They're not!
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184. I'll part her out
and sell her for scrap.
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185. And I thought you were
scared of robots!
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186. I — no, not
Katya, she's different!
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187. Hmp.
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188. Well don't come crying to me when
she breaks your heart again.
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189. She didn't break my heart,
Mother, she was murdered.
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190. Yes, and then you ran
away from home to, ugh,
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191. grief-bang the entire Pacific Rim.
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192. To what?
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193. Nothing!
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194. Oh please, I bet the
gene pool of Polynesia
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195. is irreparably altered.
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196. Darlink...?
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197. Baby, I was
emotionally shattered.
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198. Which, turns out, to be
kind of a pantydropper.
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199. Is alright, darlink.
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200. I understand this... how do you say?
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201. Griff-bakink.
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202. See?
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203. Is she not something special?
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204. Oh, is special occasion?
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205. Well, the love of my
life, this smoking-hot woman,
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206. was not only murdered and
then brought back to life,
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207. she also just got a job today,
so yeah, pretty special.
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208. - Uh...
- Shut up.
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209. Babe? What're you hungry for?
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210. I am thinking.
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211. While she thinks, bring
me some soup dumplings.
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212. No, no, I am thinking
about your mother.
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213. God, don't waste the
ROM, or RAM, whatever.
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214. Does she hate what I am?
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215. What you are, meaning
"the one woman who can
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216. free her child from the
psychological prison she's spent
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217. a lifetime erecting?"
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218. No, darlink, meaning a...
cyborg.
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219. She'd hate you
no matter what you are.
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220. Because I did not
ask to be this way...
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221. Yeah, hey, me
either, vis a vis Mother.
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222. And you?
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223. Do you think I am a monster?
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224. Baby, I don't care about
the chips and gears and...
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225. I assume some hinges?
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226. All I care about is what I see
when I look into those big green—
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227. oh, I guess they're red now, huh?
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228. Anyway, your eyes.
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229. Da?
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230. And what do you see in my eyes?
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231. Mostly those insane boobs.
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232. Check!
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233. Ah.
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234. Ooh.
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235. Eee.
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236. Unn.
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237. Ahhhh.
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238. Darlink?
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239. Are you alright?
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240. Yes, no, yes.
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241. Yes.
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242. Lot of feelings coming together,
just trying to process.
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243. Not gonna lie, having
some déjà vu here.
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244. Ahh... Ahh... Ahh... ow!
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245. Owwww!
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246. Which, if I gave
it any real thought,
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247. would probably explain a lot.
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248. Try to relex, darlink.
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249. You are, how do you say?
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250. To push a rope?
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251. Sorry, babe, I'll focus.
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252. But could you close your eyes?
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253. I kinda feel like I'm banging
tail-lights on a country road.
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254. I swear to God, if I
went blind right this very
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255. second I'd be okay with that.
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256. Oh, don't say that!
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257. Mr. Sleepy Head!
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258. Sleep?
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259. I've been doing yogic breathing
work for two hours.
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260. My balls are like cran-baisins.
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261. What?
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262. Cranberry raisins?
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263. Craisins?
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264. Whatever, yes, I
call them cran-baisins.
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265. How are you this morning?
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266. I em amazink!
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267. Don't take this
the wrong way, but duh.
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268. I mean our love, darlink.
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269. It feels like...
what is a giant, unstoppable wave?
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270. Wait, you know craisins,
but you don't know tsunami?
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271. Da, then our
love is like tsunami.
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272. Or the Mountain Everest.
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273. An apt metaphor.
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274. Because not only am I lightheaded,
certain parts of me are —
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275. Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumb!
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276. - They are not coming back.
- Why?
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277. In the sink?
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278. Is your... vagina?
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279. Why?
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280. Darlink, it was dirty.
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281. The remedy for which,
miss, if you'll forgive
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282. my boldness...?
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283. Da, please, Woodhouse,
I think boldness is needed.
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284. What do you suggest?
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285. White vinegar,
mineral oil, and elbow grease.
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286. Same thing we used in the RFC
to clean the engines on our
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287. Sopwith Camels.
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288. And so, with your permission,
while you breakfast on the
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289. terrace I'll get that little
pleasure boat looking Bristol!
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290. I took the liberty of
poaching you an egg.
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291. Is not much of a liberty,
considerink thet you are going
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292. to polish my vagina.
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293. No.
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294. No it isn't.
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295. And when he woke
up from faint, boom!
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296. He ren out of there fest like crezzy.
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297. So.
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298. You dated him.
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299. What do you think?
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300. I think... hang on.
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301. I think if you're looking for
insight into why Archer is...
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302. Archer, you need to jump in a
time machine and then go have
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303. a treesome with Oedipus
and Sigmund Freud.
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304. Thanks for nothing.
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305. Well?
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306. I don't really have a roadmap
for my ex finding your
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307. robo-gina in the sink.
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308. In the sink, Cyril!
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309. In the sink!
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310. It was like a
transistor radio and a
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311. veal cutlet had a baby!
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312. Well gross and/or ick—
Right?
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313. — but I don't see why
that means you have to drink my
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314. Glengoolie Blue!
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315. Because the liquor
stores aren't open yet,
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316. and she made me pour out all
the booze at my house!
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317. Holy shit, really?
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318. Glengoolie Blue?
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319. Yeah, and it's three
hundred a bottle...
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320. I — which I haven't even tasted yet!
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321. Because I was saving it
for a special occasion!
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322. Befitting a gift from my grandfather!
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323. Who's dead!
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324. Of course he is,
he'd be like, a hundred.
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325. It's almost empty!
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326. Just like my heart, Cyril —
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327. Well, not your liver...
— because she ripped
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328. it out!
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329. Wait, your liver?
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330. My heart!
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331. And threw it in the sink!
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332. Wait, her vagina?
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333. Ow! Ow!
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334. - Oh for —
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335. The old man knew his scotch.
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336. You are such an... asshole!
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337. Wait, really?
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338. Yes, really!
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339. That was a gift to my grandfather!
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340. From Frank!
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341. Sinatra!
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342. Well then I feel even worse,
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343. because I'm probably gonna
puke it up in about five —
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344. One minutes.
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345. But I meant about Katya.
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346. Yes!
You are an asshole about all things!
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347. But, specifically,
now, about Katya.
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348. Or...
could I hef done something wrung?
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349. Besides leavin yer
cooch in the sink?
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350. Pam! Pam!
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351. What?
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352. That just sounds considerate.
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353. Is just, I know he hez
wery good reason to hate...
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354. people like me.
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355. Who, whores?
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356. And that's twice, sorry,
ignore me, my whole thing is
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357. I just crave attention.
Copy !req
358. But I mean, Barry
did murder her — ungh!
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359. And my possible father — ungh!
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360. And more importantly,
tried to murder me!
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361. Unngh!
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362. Because Barry!
Copy !req
363. Is a psychopath!
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364. That doesn't mean all
cyborgs are like that!
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365. But Cyril, machines...
can hurt people.
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366. Waaaaaaghhhh!
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367. Well you lost me there,
thankfully, but — Give me that!
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368. What, was that Peter Lawford's?
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369. No, it was — Oh shut up,
do you wanna learn something?
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370. - Probably not...
- Because did you
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371. know that in Chinese, the
words for crisis and
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372. opportunity are the sathme word?
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373. And... point?
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374. Hello?
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375. Actually I have no idea.
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376. They just used to say
that in the hospital.
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377. While they made us fold those
pointy goddamn paper birds.
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378. I think what Cheryl's—
Bawk bawk!
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379. Therapy cranes!
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380. Bawk!
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381. I think what she's trying
to say is you can either think
Copy !req
382. - of this as a crisis...
- Or an opportunity!
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383. To get closer!
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384. - Hooray...
- By marrying her?
Copy !req
385. That actually
was Peter Lawford's.
Copy !req
386. And why not, you were
gonna marry her before!
Copy !req
387. Before she wasn't a cyborg.
Copy !req
388. She's still kind,
smart, insanely hot...
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389. Yeah, and even
though it's detachable,
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390. that vagina is like, mind-shattering.
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391. Oh yeah?
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392. What, does it vibrate, or — Ow!
Ow! Dammit You started it!
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393. That's my fiancée
you're talking about!
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394. Really?
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395. I can look past
our differences, Cyril,
Copy !req
396. I'm a much bigger man than you think.
Copy !req
397. Plus it'll drive Mother crazy.
Copy !req
398. Plus yes, it vibrates.
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399. Really?
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400. Yes, really, and... Krieger?
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401. Today?
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402. Hm?
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403. Oh! Sorry.
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404. Little thing
called timing, Krieger.
Copy !req
405. And the erection's
really not appropriate.
Copy !req
406. I'm still happy!
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407. Katya?
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408. Baby?
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409. Oh yes, yes, a
thousand times yes!
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410. When's the wedding,
when's the wedding?
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411. I can actually
marry y'all right here.
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412. Oh for God's sake!
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413. Get it over with!
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414. Brett!
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415. Aaagh!
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416. Wait, do you want me to be a groomsman?
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417. No!
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418. Go to the liquor store
and buy a case of —
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419. three cases of champagne!
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420. Sure, I'll just
limp on down there.
Copy !req
421. Don't limp, Brett!
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422. Run!
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423. We're having a wedding
in a few short minutes!
Copy !req
424. And it's a win-win.
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425. Plus it vibrates.
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426. Okay, bride and groom, check.
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427. Bridesmaids, check.
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428. Best man —
Well, best available.
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429. Oh for — name one,
name one friend of yours.
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430. Shut up.
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431. Ray, don't you have like,
a priest outfit, or...?
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432. No, I wore it to Fetish Night
at The Snug, and it's covered in —
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433. Okay! Ugh.
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434. Red wine, ass.
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435. And who gives this woman to
be wed in holy matrimony?
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436. I do!
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437. And no mother of the groom, so —
Yes! Right here!
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438. Mother! You came!
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439. Phrasing, boom!
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440. Ahem.
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441. Inappropriate.
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442. Alrighty!
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443. So unless anyone - besides Mommie
Dearest - objects to this union —
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444. Uh, I think other Barry might.
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445. Wh-?
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446. Barry?
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447. Yeah, and I brought bubbly!
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448. You.. . Mudak!
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449. Whoa!
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450. You kiss your mother-board
with that mouth?
Copy !req
451. And also, is anybody
gonna ask how and why
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452. I knew to show up here?
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453. Is...?
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454. Okay, I'll bite.
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455. By tracking the satellite
signal from Katya's internal
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456. hard drive, which Doctor Dipshit
over there, bought from the KGB!
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457. Wh-?
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458. Krieger!
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459. - Yeah, but the savings...
- Like,
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460. eighty bucks you saved.
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461. But nobody's gonna save you, Archer.
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462. Don't you have
that backwards?
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463. Archer don't!
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464. Everybody down.
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465. Why do I always
forget you're — ungh!
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466. Darlink!
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467. - Really super-strong...
- Yeah,
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468. walk that off while I kill
your girlfriend again.
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469. Then we do the dance.
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470. Actually, I don't think
I'm in any shape to dance,
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471. right now Barry.
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472. The dance of death, idiot.
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473. But first let's me and you cut a rug.
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474. How you say... come et me, bro.
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475. Rrrrrraaarrrrgh!
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476. Ow.
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477. Is thet the best you got?
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478. Ungh!
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479. Obviously not.
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480. But this is — oof!
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481. Katyaaa!
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482. Jesus somebody, a little help?
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483. We are if you'd shut up!
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484. It's pound!
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485. That is pound!
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486. Pound six, pound five two!
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487. I'm confused, what're we —
Here!
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488. Still confused.
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489. Ray, now!
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490. Oh.
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491. Their CPU's are powered
by photovoltaic cells!
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492. Without exposure to a light-source
they'll slowly lose power!
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493. Like vampires?
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494. I — no, nothing
like vampires, idiot!
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495. Well I'm sorry, Ira Flatow!
From Newton's Apple.
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496. Will you shut up?
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497. If Barry gets weak enough,
maybe you can overpower him!
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498. I was just gonna say that!
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499. Move!
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500. Sterling, be careful!
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501. Shut up.
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502. Pam!
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503. - It'll spoil...
- God damn it.
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504. Barryyyyy!
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505. Polo!
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506. Will you shut up?
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507. Polo.
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508. Beset, on all
sides, by idiots...
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509. Brett?
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510. I thought you were dead!
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511. No, just hurt
really really badly.
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512. Although not nearly as
badly as I am now.
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513. You better not be
bleeding on my carpet!
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514. No, pretty sure
I'm all out of blood.
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515. Well serves you
right, for — Oh Barry,
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516. - I am coming for you...
- Phrasing, boom.
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517. Brett!
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518. Polo!
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519. And after I kill you, and
defile your cyborg-y corpse,
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520. I'm gonna — wh-?
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521. Oh for shit's sake!
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522. Really?
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523. Woooooo!
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524. Darlink, I ken explen!
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525. Ray, turn the lights on!
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526. Archer no, the photovoltaics!
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527. Turn on the goddamn lights!
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528. Gaaaagh!
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529. Why do I always forget that?
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530. And how can you explain that?
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531. What were they, having sex?
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532. Think so, yeah.
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533. Called it!
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534. As we fought, it became
more like, like dancing.
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535. Bone dancing!
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536. Shut up!
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537. Katya, how could you do this?
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538. I'm sorry I hurt you, but
I realized thet even though
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539. you tried to see past what I
em, Barry and I are the same.
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540. Inside and out.
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541. Except her insides vibrate.
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542. Rrrragh!
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543. Ka-
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544. Always with the forgetting...
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545. We are like two mermaids.
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546. We will swim together.
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547. So, I won't ask you to forgive me...
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548. But could you at least be happy for me?
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549. Because I have finally found a soulmate.
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550. No.
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551. Or whatever...
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552. Yes. Yes.
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553. Thank you, darling.
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554. You will always have
a special place in my...
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555. Well, I guess my C-drive.
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556. Well, other Barry and I...
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557. are in her other special place.
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558. Which, again,
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559. vibrates.
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560. Later, tator.
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561. Well, mother, go ahead and say it.
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562. Oh, Sterling.
You just had your heart broken.
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563. And you don't need a smug
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564. "I told you so" from me.
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565. And smug it would be, because tell you
I most certainly did.
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566. Just like that Electrolux all over again.
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567. So...
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568. - I know that sucked...
- Vacuum cleaner ponds?
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569. Now?
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570. Really?
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571. No idea thankfully about any of that,
but
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572. if you really did love Katya
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573. you gotta be happy that she's happy.
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574. Yeah...
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575. She did look pretty happy, huh?
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576. Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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577. BluRay resync by Atrus
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