1. Let me go!
You have no jurisdiction over me!
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2. I'm a Canadian citizen!
Yeah, and we're taking you to Canada, so...
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3. Help! Help! Extraordinary rendition!
Extraordinary rendition!
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4. Ah. Light him up, newbie.
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5. Sorry in advance. Heh-heh.
Ow!
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6. That hurts, like, insanely bad.
That's why I said sorry in advance.
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7. And you have to stop yelling
"extraordinary rendition."
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8. A, nobody cares. And B...
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9. Be careful! You big lummox!
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10. I swear to God, if you scuff my bags...
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11. Oh, I wouldn't dream of it, ma'am.
And I can do without the sarcasm.
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12. Oh, no, ma'am, that wasn't...
Enough with the backchat!
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13. Oh, Lana, maybe you can talk to him.
Um...
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14. So this is the infamous Kenny Bilcoe?
You don't look like much of a terrorist.
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15. That's because I'm a freedom fighter
for a free and sovereign Nova Scotia.
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16. Is that why you blew up a doughnut shop?
Allegedly.
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17. If you believe Canada's illegitimate,
so-called government.
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18. I'm pretty sure we do.
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19. Which is why we're taking
you back to Ottawa.
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20. And once we do, hopefully the Mounties
will start sending us all kinds of lucrative work.
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21. How noble.
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22. Speaking of work, can I put what
I assume is your rock collection on the train?
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23. Yes... Nope.
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24. - Nice try, Pam.
- What?
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25. You want to get on that train
so you can stow away...
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26. just like on the blimp.
The what?
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27. Okay, no biggie. Have a nice trip.
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28. Uh... Wait a minute.
What now?
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29. Too easy. Pam is up to something.
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30. Board.
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31. Well, I doubt she'll make it on now.
Heh. Ditto for Archer.
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32. He's not here?
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33. Hmm...
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34. Nope.
Need to get these bags on, ma'am.
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35. I heard him, George.
What? Malory, don't call him that.
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36. My name actually is George.
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37. Really?
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38. Damn it, I told Sterling 6:00.
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39. I thought you meant 6 a.m.
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40. No, 6... Sterling, are you drunk?
Winner!
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41. Nice.
Archer.
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42. You knew we were transporting
a dangerous terrorist to Canada.
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43. So how and why are you drunk at 6:00?
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44. Well, the "how" is pretty self-explanatory,
and the "why" is because...
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45. I thought we were leaving
at 6 a.m. Tomorrow.
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46. Ergo, Latin, plenty of time to sleep it off.
Ugh.
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47. Drink some coffee, because there's a chance
Bilcoe's terrorist pals...
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48. Alleged terrorist pals.
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49. - Are going to attack the train
and try to bust him loose.
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50. Awesome.
Right?
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51. I'm sorry, but how is that awesome?
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52. Because, pretty much my whole life...
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53. I've wanted to fight guys on the roof
of a speeding train.
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54. Well, if I know my boys,
you may just get your wish, big guy.
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55. Ooh, thanks, Freddy Foreshadowing.
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56. Who is this?
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57. Ugh.
Come on, Archer.
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58. Please tell me he's a renowned
chicken-and-waffle chef...
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59. because I am starving.
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60. So, listen, you look like a pretty smart guy.
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61. Well, thanks, I like to think so.
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62. So why don't you do yourself
a pretty-smart-guy favor and just let me go?
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63. Um, because Ms. Archer would kill me?
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64. What do you think will happen
when my boys storm this train?
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65. I'm not too worried about that.
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66. You should be. My boys are badass.
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67. Well, so am... Lana. And I'm learning.
Oh, and don't forget about Archer.
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68. The drunk guy?
He may have seemed drunk, but he's...
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69. Still drinking?
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70. Relax, Lana, it's just a Bloody Mary.
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71. And by the way, not a great one,
Mr. Vodka And Ketchup.
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72. Archer, at any time in the next 12 hours...
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73. this train could be attacked
by radical Nova Scotian separatists.
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74. Armed with what, pamphlets about
Canada's responsible gun-control laws?
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75. Ugh. New Scotland Front has guns
and they're not afraid to use them, so...
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76. So okay. God, I'll switch to coffee.
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77. Hey, Heinz 56, can I get an Irish coffee?
No.
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78. Lana, I have to taper off.
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79. Trust me, if these Nova Scojens
are a real threat...
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80. you do not want me hungover.
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81. Do you even still get hangovers?
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82. Normally, no, but I drank about two gallons
of mamajuana this afternoon.
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83. I was, uh, playing dominoes
with a Dominican bike gang.
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84. Or was it mah-jongg? I don't remember.
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85. Ridiculous.
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86. This thing's a sardine can.
How are people supposed to travel like this?
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87. Most people bring less luggage.
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88. Most people fly. So your days
of sullen superiority are numbered.
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89. I have no response to that.
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90. They never do.
Now let's go find a bigger compartment.
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91. I'm afraid there aren't any.
Nonsense.
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92. I'm sure there's one here somewhere.
Why are all these locked?
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93. They're occupied.
So if you don't mind...
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94. What I mind is your familiar tone,
young man.
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95. What's through here?
Those are private cars.
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96. What do you mean "private"?
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97. I mean they're not...
Not for you to be knocking on.
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98. Now I have to insist that you...
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99. Get your panties untwisted. Damn.
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100. I knew it.
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101. I want this train stopped immediately
and this stowaway forcibly disembarked.
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102. Afraid I can't do that, ma'am.
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103. You can and you will,
or I'll have your job.
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104. No, she won't, George.
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105. Carol? What are you doing here?
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106. Uh, trying to perform my ablutions?
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107. But...
This is Miss Tunt's private car.
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108. How do you have a private train car?
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109. Uh, because she owns the railroad?
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110. Well, half. I knew you wouldn't let us go
on this trip to Canada...
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111. so I had my cars hooked up.
Cars? Plural?
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112. Uh, this car, two sleeping cars,
a private dining car...
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113. and, oh, one that's just
a teeny, tiny, like, skating rink.
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114. Uh, two sleeping cars?
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115. - Do you think there might be room for...?
- Nope.
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116. It's already cramped back there,
what with that piss-reeking ocelot.
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117. Plus, George says you stiffed him.
What?
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118. No, I didn't. I gave him a tip.
A stick of gum?
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119. Well?
Really?
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120. Did you not have a button?
Button it, missy.
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121. Holy shit.
"We don't know the meaning of 'private.'
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122. Let's all pile in."
Lana, check it out. Actual gas lamps.
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123. Amazing, Archer, yes.
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124. So you think we can go guard
the prisoner now, or what?
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125. Is that Babou?
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126. - Or not, apparently. Okay.
- Wow.
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127. Lana!
Cyril.
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128. - Jesus.
- Lana!
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129. Cyril.
Pam.
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130. Lana!
What?
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131. He remembers me!
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132. Cyril, why are you in here?
I didn't know where you guys were.
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133. It doesn't matter where we are,
Newb Gingrich.
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134. Then get out!
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135. Where's the prisoner?
In my compartment.
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136. At least he was.
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137. Although, he doesn't seem
to be in here now. Heh-heh.
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138. No kidding.
Um...
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139. - Nope.
- Lana, Cyril. Oh, my God.
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140. Too late, he's gone. Thanks to Cyril.
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141. He's not gonna jump off a train
going 80 miles an hour.
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142. So, yeah, we'll sweep car by car,
moving from front to back.
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143. Good, you guys do that.
I'll get a big raw steak from the kitchen.
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144. Ah. Are you talking about the ocelot?
Are you not?
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145. I'm talking about the prisoner.
Oh. Well, maybe they're together.
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146. Although, I doubt it.
Babou is kind of a loner...
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147. like Paul Newman in Hud...
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148. if Paul Newman had constantly
sprayed piss all over, uh...
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149. What was her, uh? Oh, man.
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150. Uh... What was her name?
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151. Patricia Neal.
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152. Who I hate.
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153. Sorry for the intrusion, folks.
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154. There's nothing to worry about,
just some standard, uh, train security.
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155. Okay, that's all the regular cars.
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156. Now we get to search all the sleeper cars,
thanks to your incompetence.
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157. Well, you left me unsupervised.
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158. So this is my fault?
Um, fifty-fifty.
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159. Fifty-fifty you accidentally shoot
somebody, Newb.
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160. Come on. It'll take us all night
to search this train.
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161. Well, but with Archer helping...
I wouldn't exactly call it "helping."
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162. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
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163. Kitty?
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164. Ahem.
Uh, excuse me, is there an ocelot in there?
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165. Uh, no.
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166. No, no, what are you doing?
Besides making a mess all over my train.
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167. I'm looking for a terrorist and an ocelot.
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168. What?
Not necessarily in that order.
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169. Okay, that's it, we're stopping.
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170. Frank, this is George. We've gotta...
Give me that.
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171. Keep the train at top speed
so they can't get off.
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172. So tell him to keep it floored.
I will do no such thing.
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173. All right, then, um, hold this.
Why are you giving me a...? Oh, my.
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174. Sorry, but I'm not letting a terrorist escape.
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175. And obviously an ocelot wouldn't survive...
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176. in the frozen wasteland
of upstate New York, so...
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177. Sorry, Frank. Miss Tunt says she wants
to beat the record run to Ottawa.
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178. Oh, those crazy Tunts. Okay, hang on.
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179. Jesus. Boys, hang on a sec.
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180. Boys, make sure you bring the heavy stuff.
These crazy ISIS bastards aren't playing.
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181. They just killed a black guy.
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182. I know, right? Welcome to America.
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183. How is that racist?
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184. Ah. Never mind. Look...
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185. I treat all servants exactly the same,
regardless of their race.
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186. Hang on, I hear freedom ringing.
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187. At worst, I'm an elitist, but not racist.
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188. Whatever. Cyril and I searched the front half
of the train but we didn't see Bilcoe, so...
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189. I bet it's hard to see anything from
that high horse.
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190. So unless Archer found Bilcoe
in the back half of the train...
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191. Which, no, he didn't.
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192. - Jeezy Petes.
- Archer.
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193. Is that blood?
What?
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194. Oh, yeah, but it's from a cow.
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195. You shot a cow?
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196. Bilcoe's not in the back half,
so you must've missed him.
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197. Which, no, we didn't.
Which, yes, obviously, you did.
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198. Or you did.
Or you did.
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199. There's no way he got off,
we're going too fast.
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200. Oh, my God, we totally are. Oh!
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201. We might beat the record run.
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202. You probably don't understand
because you don't own a railroad...
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203. but it's a pretty huge deal.
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204. To whom, railroad owners?
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205. Yeah. We're a pretty competitive bunch.
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206. No, Pam. No means no, now stop it.
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207. What's the matter, you chicken?
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208. No, I'm in a wheelchair. Ow!
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209. Ow! Goddamn it, Pam, I don't wanna race.
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210. Couple skate?
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211. I can't believe you have a skating-rink car.
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212. Yeah, apparently my great-grandpa
was nuts for skating.
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213. That and the Klan.
I...
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214. Let's try this again.
Car by car, this time, back to front.
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215. Good, because Miss Stingy here
won't let me eat in her private dining car.
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216. Oh, my God, we've been over that.
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217. So when you pass the dining car,
have a porter bring me a Cobb salad.
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218. Before or after we locate
the dangerous terrorist?
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219. Before.
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220. Sorry, folks, uh, go back to sleep.
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221. Uh, yeah, just disregard the gun-toting spies
and the blood smeared everywhere.
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222. Oh, keep an eye out for paw prints.
Where, in the blood?
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223. Yeah. I assume at some point
he'll come out to, like, lick it.
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224. Oh, come on, we've only searched two cars,
we've got a shitload to go.
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225. Um, speaking of that,
I need to, uh, make use of the facilities here.
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226. Fine, but catch up, okay?
And pay attention.
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227. Yeah, they look just like prints from a house cat
only bigger and awesomer.
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228. Go.
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229. Hey, welcome to the bathroom.
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230. Well, thank you. What are you...?
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231. I could tell you never played much hockey,
huh?
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232. Probably too busy running around
shooting black guys.
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233. What's the word, boys?
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234. Fantastic. They'll never see that coming.
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235. I'll see you at the border.
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236. Archer, we don't have time for this.
It'll take like two seconds. God.
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237. Okay, so a Cobb salad and, um...
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238. I am not taking that woman a salad,
Cobb or otherwise.
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239. Trust me, you don't want to see
my mother with low blood sug...
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240. Wait, why are we slowing down?
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241. We're at the border.
Of?
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242. - Um, this new place called Canada.
- So?
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243. So Customs, Passport Control,
Immigration?
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244. You know, the border?
Yeah, but, heh, with America.
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245. They still guard the border.
Lana, we're going into Canada.
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246. Can you please explain to him...?
Don't do that.
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247. Okay, already knowing your answer,
I'm going to ask, "Don't do what?"
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248. Make this a weird racial thing.
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249. I knew and yet I asked.
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250. What? I don't wanna be ganged up on.
George, back me up here.
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251. I'm gonna back way up...
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252. and not be here when the Mounties
catch you crazy people with all those guns.
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253. Oh, shit.
What? They're Canadian.
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254. They don't even know what a gun...
Oh, shit.
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255. He said, realizing that...
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256. The perfect disguise for terrorists who wanna
board a train to bust loose another terrorist?
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257. Oh, shit. The...
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258. Royal Canadian Mounted Police, folks.
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259. Have your passports and declarations forms
out and ready.
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260. Ready?
Yeah.
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261. But what if they're, like,
actual real Mounties?
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262. Not to belabor the point,
but they'd still be Canadian.
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263. I.e., I doubt we're in real danger.
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264. Okay, here goes.
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265. Freeze! Hands up. Get them up.
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266. What is this?
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267. I swear, if any of you
Canadian fruitcakes move...
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268. I will shoot that hat
right off your head.
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269. That's not okay.
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270. Get them up, Dudley Douche-Bags!
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271. Maintain the right.
Whoa. Dude, we're serious, we'll shoot...
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272. Goddamn it, Archer.
What, Lana?
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273. You are so stupid,
thinking terrorists would be disguised as...
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274. Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
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275. Stand down, boys. We're Mounties.
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276. Piss off. We're Mounties.
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277. Great, good, we're all Mounties.
So no need for a Mexican standoff, eh?
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278. Oh, yeah, how's about you co-opt...
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279. some more American stuff there,
eh, Canada?
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280. Stuff like "Mexican standoff"?
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281. Oh, look, the race card.
What...?
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282. Let's all just put down the guns, boys.
Come on, we're not Americans.
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283. Unvaccinated animal. Put him down, boys.
No! Serpentine, Babou!
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284. Jeez, he sprayed me. That reeks.
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285. Did he get away?
Yeah.
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286. He ran out past us.
Good. Then screw this.
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287. Please tell me that's a smoke grenade.
Okay.
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288. It's not, though.
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289. Whoo! Holy...
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290. Shit snacks. What was that?
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291. Probably my stomach growling.
I am literally starving to death.
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292. I don't care. We are gonna beat that record,
so put this stupid train in train gear and jam it.
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293. Ugh! I'm surrounded by mediocrity.
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294. In what way?
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295. In what possible way did that work?
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296. Well, um, A, they're all incapacitated.
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297. And B, I got to blow up a train.
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298. Well, thanks, Gomez.
Nice.
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299. But that doesn't help us find Bilcoe.
He's right there, stupid.
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300. Jesus, boys, what happened?
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301. I happened. Drop it, Bilcoe.
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302. You drop it, you racist bastard.
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303. Unh! Ow!
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304. Wait, how am I a racist?
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305. Really?
Shut up and...
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306. Come on and shut up.
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307. Wait, we don't know which Mounties
are the real ones. What do we do?
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308. Archer.
I'm kidding. Jesus, Lana.
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309. Hey, good guys and bad guys.
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310. All of you just got a pretty huge pass,
so don't make me regret it later. Deal?
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311. Come on.
I'm taking that as a tacit agreement!
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312. Cyril, what the hell are you doing?
I'm being blind. Oh, my God, Lana, I'm blind.
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313. Sweater.
Huh?
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314. - Oh.
- When will you not suck at this?
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315. When you don't suck at... Shut up.
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316. Be careful with that thing.
Oh, my God.
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317. Shoot me. It's better than starving to death.
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318. Everybody, shut up! And then somebody
get over here to be my hostage.
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319. Oh, for... Way to man up, Ray.
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320. What...? I'm in a wheelchair.
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321. Yeah, no offense, but we're gonna be
running around and stuff?
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322. Uh, no, you're not.
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323. Uh, yeah, I am.
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324. Everybody okay?
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325. Yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
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326. Paralyzed, but other than that, fine, yeah.
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327. Okay, then, Lana, you guard them...
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328. Okay, what's the plan?
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329. and Cyril, you keep sliding down
the learning curve like the Banana Splits.
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330. What are you gonna do?
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331. I am going to fulfill my lifelong dream.
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332. Meeting Mr. Green Jeans?
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333. - Snap out of it, boys.
- Bilcoe!
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334. I could really use some help on the roof.
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335. Oh, my God, this is going be awe...
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336. Shit!
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337. Ow! The dust. It's like being shot
in the eyes by a glitter gun.
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338. There, that ought to do it.
Okay, let's try that aga...
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339. Aw, shit!
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340. Retinas! Seared like tuna steaks.
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341. All I want is to fight on the top of a train.
Is that too much to ask?
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342. The good news is now I'm furious.
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343. So rethinking this, huh?
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344. On top of the train, you're still, like,
on the train, plus you got all... Oh, shit.
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345. Plus you got all that.
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346. Oh, shit.
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347. Why...
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348. do people do this?
You're still just on the train.
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349. I know, right?
Although, sometimes there's a helicopter.
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350. Do you have a helicopter?
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351. Hmm, nope, just a gun.
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352. It's empty, dickhead.
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353. Yeah, nice try, super-dickhead.
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354. What the...?
You fired eight rounds, ultra-dickhead.
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355. Am I the only person
who ever keeps track of that?
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356. Ow!
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357. Wow, and I thought I was mad before.
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358. Why, did you see some black lady
sitting in the front of a bus?
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359. What is your deal with calling me a racist?
Well, A, you're American.
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360. That's... Oh, shit! racist.
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361. Jingoist. Whatever.
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362. And B, you murdered the porter.
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363. No, I didn't.
You shot him.
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364. There was blood everywhere.
That was from a steak, you idiot.
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365. I was trying to catch an ocelot.
In Canada?
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366. And I'm the idiot?
Hold it right there, boys.
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367. Royal Canadian Mounted Police!
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368. Damn it, which are the real ones?
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369. That's for me to know and you to find out.
I'm gonna find out in five...
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370. Babou!
Look, it's the piss cat.
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371. He's corpuscular. Get him, boys.
No!
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372. Babou, serpentine!
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373. Yeah, so...
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374. So, yeah, put that in your little
secret-agent notebook...
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375. along with
"don't leave prisoners unsupervised."
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376. There's absolutely no reason
to ever get on top of a moving train.
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377. Okay, wait, what if there's a helicopter?
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378. Ooh, yeah, or a dragon.
Ooh, yeah, or some sarcasm.
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379. Ooh, yeah, or hang on.
What? Aah!
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380. Babou!
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381. That's right, buddy, I got...
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382. Aah, ow! Babou, no! Ow!
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383. Babou, stop! Ow, ow! Ow!
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384. Aw, come on, I wouldn't say
it was a complete failure.
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385. Oh, really? And what parts of this mission
would you call a success?
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386. Well, let's see.
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387. Maybe the part where my non-record-breaking
train is totally shit-housed.
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388. Oh. Not as shit-housed as my spleen.
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389. Ooh. Or maybe the part where the Mounties
will never hire ISIS again.
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390. What's it matter?
We're all banned from Canada.
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391. Au revoir, sweet man-whores of Montreal.
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392. Ugh! Lana, you were saying?
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393. Uh, well, we did help with a major arrest.
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394. Kenny Bilcoe, you're under arrest...
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395. for violation of sections 1 through 9
of the Canadian Terrorism Act, buddy.
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396. Sorry to cut into your doughnut supply,
boys.
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397. Long live free Nova Scotia!
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398. Oh, wait, make that five.
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399. Same goes for you bastards,
plus impersonating an RCMP constable.
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400. That's not fair. You're doing it.
Yeah.
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401. Good one. Take that.
Heh.
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402. Oh, wait, I guess make that six.
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403. And besides attempted murder
on a black guy...
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404. you're under arrest for violating
the Exotic Fish and Wildlife Importation Act.
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405. Yeah, whatever, Dudley Douche-Bag.
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406. Plus, you already used that one.
Hey, it was good enough to merit seconds.
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407. You hear that? They called you "exotic."
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408. Which is just people talk for awesome...
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409. which is what you are, which is why
I was happy to save your life, buddy.
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410. Oh, don't worry, probably just
thousands of dollars in fines.
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411. Maybe a little jail time.
Hopefully, just probation.
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412. Totally worth it.
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413. No, Babou. That was all sarcasm.
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414. Yes, all of it! You fox-eared asshole!
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