1. Oh, God.
Copy !req
2. Ugh, no, forget the glass,
Woodhouse, just gimme the pitcher...
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3. For I am a sinner in the
hands of an angry God.
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4. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed
are you among cocktails...
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5. Pray for me, now and at the hour of
my death, which I hope is soon, amen.
Copy !req
6. - Er, perhaps a coddled egg...
- No. No eggs, Woodhouse.
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7. Maybe ever again.
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8. Some dry toast?
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9. Yeah, or you could skip a
step and just feed me some vomit.
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10. Not like you
to get a hangover, sir.
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11. Yeah, I don't
know what happened.
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12. - I kinda remember being at the wake...
- Oh, you poor dear.
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13. On behalf of his fellow ISIS agents,
please let me be the first to
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14. offer my condolences.
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15. And let me be the first to
welcome you back into the dating pool.
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16. And-or-also my
new, hic, hot tub.
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17. But after that it's just... snippets.
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18. - I think I had one more drink there...
- Drink, drink, drink, drink!
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19. And then I think I took a cab...
Hang on, wait, lemme see some hands!
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20. Who wants chicken and waffles?
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21. How did we bring food in here?
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22. Oh, and also, did we
lose some people?
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23. Lana'n Cyril bailed!
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24. Triflin bitches!
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25. Here! Less yer a triflin bitch too!
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26. Agh!
What'd I just put inside me?
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27. Green Russians!
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28. It's absinthe and...
Milk, sweet shitsnacks lookit those!
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29. Oh! My! God!
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30. That's right!
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31. It's somewhat coming back to me!
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32. Woooo!
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33. I'm Pacman Jones!
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34. Come home with me!
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35. Plus my valet will
give you some heroin!
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36. Thankfully I
didn't have to share.
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37. But she did,
she came home with me!
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38. I remember!
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39. I mean, Green Russians, it's
fuzzy, I don't remember this...
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40. But I do remember her being the
best sex I've ever had in my life!
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41. Er —
Shut up, and that includes Europe, Lana,
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42. Sir...?
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43. Phone number?
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44. Matchbook?
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45. I don't know her name, where she works...
Woodhouse, how am I gonna find her?
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46. Ahem.
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47. You might check the loo.
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48. What, here?
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49. Why didn't you say so?
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50. Oww!
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51. Oww!
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52. Ow, ow, ow... Uh, so hey, hi.
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53. I'm Sterling Archer, you may
remember me from the strip club,
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54. and hopefully also from what was
hands down the most incredible
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55. sex that I personally have ever had.
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56. Hello? Oh right, so I know we had an
implied oral agreement about heroin...
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57. Heroin?
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58. Wh-?
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59. That's the last
frickin thing I need.
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60. I'm bound up tighter'n dick's hatband.
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61. No, not...
were you...? Did we...?
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62. Yeah, we did.
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63. And you loved it!
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64. KATHUMP!
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65. Archer 3x07
Crossing Over
Original Air Date on March 1, 2012
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66. Okay, jeez, I get it!
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67. Well, you say that, but
I worry that you think I'm
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68. - exaggerating when I say...
- That I was the best sex you ever had?
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69. No... That if anybody ever finds
out about it, I will literally -
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70. Pam, look at me-
I will literally murder you.
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71. - Not literally...
- Yes literally!
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72. You will wake up in three
separate fifty-gallon drums!
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73. That's a hundred
and fifty gallons.
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74. - Of Pam's hot, dirty, ball-slappiney...
- Gaaghh!
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75. Come at me bro!
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76. How ya gonna keep 'em, down on the
farm, after they seen Pam-ee?
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77. Yeah, how're you gonna...
I mean, my God, you can't,
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78. that, that was just —
Disgusting!
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79. And I hoped I would never have to say
this, but you finally topped your
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80. tenth grade sports banquet!
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81. I — okay first of all,
Mrs. Coach Mumford came on to me.
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82. And second of all...
what're we talking about?
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83. Hitting on your
dead colleague's widow?
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84. At his own wake?
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85. Oh, that.
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86. - Okay, so...
- So help me God, Sterling, sometimes I think
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87. that I've failed as a mother.
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88. Sometimes?
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89. Oh shut up, and the last
thing you need is another drink.
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90. Ugh, seriously, how can you
be drinking after last night?
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91. How can you not?
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92. Because I don't have a problem.
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93. - Well, I do...
- First step's admitting it, Mother.
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94. Wh-?
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95. Not with drinking!
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96. - Eh... Eh...
- My problem, besides your snide remarks
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97. is Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB.
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98. And also possibly
Archer's father.
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99. Wh-?
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100. How do you know about that?
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101. Because I'm part of Everybody?
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102. - Damn that blabbermouthing Pam...
- Why, what'd she say?
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103. Besides the stuff about Jakov, which
obviously is what you meant, so...
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104. So, Nikolai has been dropping
hints that he may want to defect.
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105. What?
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106. That's awesome!
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107. I think you mean awful.
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108. Uh, ISIS getting an
inside look at every single
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109. KGB operation in the world?
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110. And that's awful how?
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111. Because he thinks he's
going to move in with me!
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112. Me, who happens to be in a
relationship with Burt Reynolds,
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113. in case you've forgotten?
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114. I actually did forget that.
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115. Yeah, I never see you together.
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116. I mean, are you like dating, or...?
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117. It's... complicated.
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118. What with our work schedules, and...
work, it's hard to find time
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119. for actual dates.
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120. - But you do see one another...
- Well yes of course, but —
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121. But never in public, right?
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122. - Only at your place, or maybe a hotel, or...
- Or on the dirty floor in
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123. the elevator?
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124. Wh-? Pam!
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125. Get your bloated carcass —
Out, I got it, I'm on this I got it!
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126. How did she know
about the elevator?
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127. I — ew.
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128. Burt made sure I
erased the security tape.
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129. Wait, could — you don't think
Burt's ashamed to be seen with me?
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130. Lana.
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131. I'm sorry?
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132. Well I'm sorry, but if anybody
ever found out I'd die of shame!
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133. Well how do ya think
that makes me feel?
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134. I don't care Pam!
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135. Now, having said that, would
you please come in this
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136. dirty toilet stall and
have sex with me.
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137. Ugh, oh alright!
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138. But this time get in there.
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139. All ya been doin' is givin'
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140. one side hell.
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141. Well, when you put it like
that it sounds kinda shitty.
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142. Thirty years of my
life I giff to the KGB?
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143. End now you, this, this
traitorous cyborg?
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144. Are seeting et my desk?
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145. How would you put it?
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146. Yeah, you really
got cornholed, huh?
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147. Wait, don't answer yet, because I'm
also reassigning you to Siberia.
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148. Wh-? Siberia?
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149. Barry can't have you
moping around here, you know...
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150. sowing the discontent!
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151. Is bad for morale.
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152. Et tu, Brute?
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153. Et me, buddy.
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154. Rrrrrgh!
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155. So here's my advice
to you: dress in layers.
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156. And don't even think about doing
anything crazy like defecting...
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157. I would never defect!
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158. I love Mother Russia!
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159. Even when you're chopping through
the ice in the toilet so you can poop?
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160. I'm kidding, obviously.
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161. You'll be like, six hundred
miles from a toilet.
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162. Sorry, had to go to the
bathroom, nothing unusual,
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163. just uh, you know, normal,
um, bodily waste excretion.
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164. - If you're quite finished...
- Damn near.
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165. then go home, sober up, and
make sure your apartment is secure.
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166. Uh, why?
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167. To all three of those?
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168. Because if and when
Nikolai shows up here,
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169. - he's not staying at my place...
- Well, he's not staying with me!
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170. Then go prep the safehouse.
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171. Because you can bet every KGB
agent and freelance assassin
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172. this side of Berlin will be
hunting him down like a dog.
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173. Who hunts dogs?
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174. Orientals, duh!
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175. So when you say you assume
Jakov got on that train to Siberia,
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176. you know what you're doing?
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177. I mek you ess.
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178. And Barry doesn't like!
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179. Being made an ass, he really doesn't.
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180. And as you can — well it's over there
now, but the telex from the Siberia
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181. desk says Jakov never showed up!
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182. Now why do you think that might be?
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183. - Ummm...
- Thenk you, Boris!
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184. I wun't forget this!
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185. I promised myself I don't cry.
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186. Promise broke.
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187. What was that?
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188. Ellergies?
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189. To what, making sure
people get on trains?
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190. Nice one other Barry.
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191. Now Jakov's got a twelve-hour head start,
and the details of every single
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192. KGB operation on the globe in
his fat, combed-over head!
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193. Da, end we hef
no idea where he went!
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194. Well I assume he's
in New York, with those
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195. shitbitchingassbastard Archers!
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196. - But...
- I can assume!
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197. You're already an ass!
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198. So contact our sleeper in New York and
then cancel all my meetings this week,
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199. because I will also be in New York.
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200. Murdering people.
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201. Eh, dunt tek this the wrung way?
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202. But I pictured you
having nicer apartment.
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203. Why thet is funny?
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204. Hm? Oh no, sorry, there's
a funny Marmaduke on the fridge.
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205. A what?
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206. And this is actually,
ahem, the ISIS safehouse, cheers!
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207. Safehouse?
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208. - But Melory, I assumed...
- Which you shouldn't have!
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209. What, you thought you'd just show up out
of the blue and we'd move in together?
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210. Pretty much, yeah.
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211. Nikolai, it's not that I don't-
am not very fond of you, I mean,
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212. - we have such history together, and...
- End mebbe a son?
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213. - Mmmmaybe, but...
- But so?
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214. Where is he?
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215. Good question.
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216. - He was supposed to prep this dump...
- And didn't.
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217. — and now he's supposed to be
here for the first shift of guard duty.
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218. And isn't.
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219. Hi, Lana Kane, you
must be Major Jakov, such a pleasure,
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220. be a lamb and take
those to the kitchen?
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221. So.
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222. I think I speak for all of us
when I say we shouldn't be the
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223. only ones guarding
your maybe-baby-daddy.
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224. - I can't believe you all know about that...
- Wow, thet is big dog!
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225. Marmaduke.
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226. And regardless of any...
personal ties I may have with Nikolai,
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227. he's a invaluable asset and
we have to protect him!
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228. I mean, you know...
at least until he's been debriefed.
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229. And then?
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230. What, he's on his own?
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231. - Um...
- Wow.
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232. I'm serious, you are literally
draining the life out of me.
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233. C'mon, you make me sound like some kinda...
chupacabra, but for dicks.
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234. A terrifying yet
accurate comparison.
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235. Where did you learn all that stuff?
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236. You know I grew
up on a farm, right?
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237. Really hoping
that's not relevant.
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238. Ms. Kane... and your mother.
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239. - Hooray...
- I gotta bounce.
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240. Later taters.
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241. Lana listen, if this is a
booty call, I'm flattered, but —
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242. Oh my God.
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243. You're supposed
to be guarding Nikolai!
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244. Yeah, so about that, I mean, don't
you think that's gonna be.. kinda...
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245. Awkward?
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246. I actually think
it's kinda sweet.
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247. Little help?
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248. No, you're good.
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249. The camera's set up for the debriefing,
and one of us will relieve you
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250. in like, eight hours?
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251. Wait, where
are you guys going?
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252. Uh, a town called work?
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253. Neutralizing a KGB sleeper in
Brooklyn, thanks to this intel from the
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254. major.
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255. It was least I could do.
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256. Since otherwise he'd kill you?
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257. Is win-win.
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258. Is it?
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259. So!
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260. Yeah.
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261. Sterlink!
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262. Yeah.
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263. Is long time.
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264. Yeah, when was... oh!
I guess when I was in the
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265. dreaded Lubyanka with jumper
cables clamped to my balls!
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266. So da, this is...
a little awkward.
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267. Yeah.
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268. Maybe some shots?
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269. Yeah let's try that!
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270. Any time now... Cyril. Cyril!
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271. Lana, I — I don't
think I'm cut out for this.
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272. Well, don't take this the wrong
way, but neither does anyone else.
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273. Just pretend he's, like, a rabid dog.
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274. Oh God, just like Old Yeller!
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275. Yeah, if Old Yeller had a big
stack of KGB codebooks and fif - forty
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276. thousand bucks in a floor safe.
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277. And was also identified as a
sleeper agent by the head of the KGB!
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278. Who, Barry?
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279. What?
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280. White?
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281. You guys like smooth R&B?
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282. Duh.
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283. Are you telling me Barry "The Bionic
Douchebag" Dylan is running the KGB?
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284. Only if I can defect, too.
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285. Because that dude is
out of his damn mind.
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286. I'm listening.
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287. He's crazy!
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288. I mean he's smart, way smarter than Jakov,
but — oh, and you can bet Jakov's
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289. intel is bad!
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290. Really?
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291. This isn't your kneecap?
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292. Don't you get it?
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293. Barry gave me up so you'd
trust Jakov on the rest!
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294. - He knew Jakov wanted to defect, so...
- So he's been feeding him fake intel?
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295. I mean I assume!
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296. Because Barry's got a master
plan, which, when you hear it,
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297. will probably make your head explo...
Jesus! Jesus!
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298. Ahem. Cyril?
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299. I'm sorry!
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300. Yes.
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301. Yes you are.
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302. Is I who em sorry!
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303. I should hef been there for you!
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304. Shut up, don't do that, I mean
what were you gonna do, marry my mother?
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305. Have you met her?
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306. Oww!
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307. Dun't you ever disrespect her!
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308. You're not my dad!
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309. How would you know?
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310. I know, right?
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311. But I hef to say,
you don't look like me!
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312. And don't take this the
wrong way, but thank Christ!
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313. Oww!
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314. Watch it!
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315. You dumb idiot!
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316. Oh man, I am so sorry!
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317. Here, lemme get you some...
oh my God, Cheryl?
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318. Barry?
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319. Wow, I was hoping
I'd bump into you!
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320. Wait, really?
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321. And darn if I didn't!
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322. Literally!
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323. You — wait a minute, why
am I thinking you live in like, Russia?
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324. Mmmmaybe the tracksuit?
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325. Duh, right, and which, by
the way, you are totally rockiiiing.
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326. Oh, that's just...
my huge muscles.
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327. So tell me...
how strong are you?
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328. Insanely, wanna get outta here?
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329. Oh my God, totally,
but like it has to be
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330. your place, because mine
reeks of ocelot piss.
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331. - I have no response to that...
- Doesn't merit one.
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332. - ... and my place is currently flooding so...
- Hotel?
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333. Damn, no money.
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334. Tracksuit, no pockets.
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335. Damn it!
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336. I know, it's the
one single drawback.
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337. Wait, doesn't ISIS have a safehouse?
Copy !req
338. Yeah, but...
You have promise that all that
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339. horrific stuff I think I remember
about you is just false memories?
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340. - I...
- Because I get those a lot.
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341. Cross the microchip in my heart.
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342. Don't
get all girly on me.
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343. Check!
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344. Hold the door!
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345. Hold the door!
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346. Headin out?
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347. No, I thought I'd just take all
my things for a ride on the elevator.
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348. Okay.
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349. I actually have a date.
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350. With Burt Reynolds.
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351. We're watching Gator.
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352. Your place?
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353. Well if we go out, you
know, he's just mobbed, so...
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354. So it's a DVD, a box of wine and
some Hot Pockets, and off to bed.
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355. No!
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356. Well, it's not a box of wine.
Copy !req
357. - Pam, let me ask you something...
- How ken you just leave me here?
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358. Mainly because I have an
incredibly addictive personality.
Copy !req
359. So just debrief yourself with the
camera, and when I get back we'll talk
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360. about the DNA test thing, if, ya
know, you're still into doing that.
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361. Of course I em still into thet!
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362. But in meantime, you
think I will be safe?
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363. God, what's Russian for duh?
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364. It's a safehouse!
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365. Nobody knows where it is!
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366. Well, here it is!
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367. Neat.
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368. Can I see your neck a minute?
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369. Oh, Barry...
Barry? Barry!
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370. Barrryyyygrrghhh!
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371. my point is, if you're
confident in yourself as a woman,
Copy !req
372. who cares if he wants
to keep it on the DL?
Copy !req
373. - Well yes, but...
- But nothin!
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374. Because who's to say you're
not using him for sex?
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375. Pam, don't take
this the wrong way?
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376. But you're not nearly
as stupid as you look.
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377. Okay.
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378. Mmmyello?
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379. Archer don't talk, just listen!
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380. Why, what's up?
Copy !req
381. - What're you — - Jakov's intel is bad
and Barry's got some sort of master
Copy !req
382. plan that we're clueless about, thanks to Cyril —
Who has apologized
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383. - profusely...
- Quiet game!
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384. — so we're gonna regroup at the
safehouse and try to... figure out...
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385. God damn it.
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386. What.
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387. Wait for it.
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388. Ha ha haaaa!
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389. Leave it!
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390. Da, da!
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391. Keep your shirt on!
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392. Barry doesn't wear a shirt.
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393. Ruins Barry's whole tracksuit vibe.
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394. I swear to God, if
he put as much effort into
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395. his job as he does into
those idiot voicemails...
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396. and you say got this
from a KGB sleeper?
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397. Right before Cyril
blew his head off.
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398. What?
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399. You son of bitch, you
ektually think you will get away with this?
Copy !req
400. Obviously!
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401. Why else would I do it?
Copy !req
402. Who knows with
you, you're crezzy!
Copy !req
403. Am I?
Copy !req
404. Between Archer ruining my life
and you dicks turning me into
Copy !req
405. a cyborg, I'm kind of
amazed I'm even this sane.
Copy !req
406. Which is obviously a
relative term, but —
Copy !req
407. What are you doing?
Copy !req
408. Rationalizing my behavior.
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409. With gess.
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410. Oh.
Copy !req
411. Killing you.
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412. Oh.
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413. - Oh, Marmaduke...
- End gess is nut so bad
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414. - way to die...
- Well again, relative term.
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415. End efterwerd,
if Sterlink want,
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416. he ken still get some
DNA from my body,
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417. end find out if I em his real father.
Copy !req
418. Which I'm sure would
provide him with some
Copy !req
419. much-needed closure...
Which is why it's not gonna happen.
Copy !req
420. Why, what is thet?
Copy !req
421. This - glad you asked -
is a block of ice with a fork
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422. frozen in it.
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423. What are you doing with it?
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424. I am putting this
fork-filled block of ice in this
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425. microwave oven... Now I'm setting
the timer for five — Oh heck,
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426. let's call it ten minutes.
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427. Doesn't matter, ice can't tell time.
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428. - It ken unly melt...
- And when it does...
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429. - Spark from fork, gas from stuv...
- Booom.
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430. - End no DNA left for papa test...
- Nope.
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431. Just uncertainty and doubt.
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432. Which hopefully, over time, will
eventually drive Archer insane.
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433. End this, this
is your mester plen?
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434. Huh?
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435. Oh, no, that's this whole
other awesome thing.
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436. This is just a goof.
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437. Later, tater!
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438. Sterlink.
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439. If by some miracle this video
tep survives the explosion,
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440. there is somethink very important
I wunt you to know...
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441. First thing is, yer
shitter's clogged.
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442. - Don't care, can't feel my legs...
- Second thing is,
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443. if you want me to keep doin
ya dirty on the down-low —
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444. Yes!
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445. Yes yes yes.
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446. Then we are gonna
have some ground rules.
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447. To wit!
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448. Barry?
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449. Was here?
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450. Yeah, but she says he took off
after he — here, you tell her.
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451. Okay so,
Barry brought me here —
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452. How did he know
where "here" was?
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453. No idea, but
so then he strangled me,
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454. which at first was hot, he's super
strong, but then I was like,
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455. floating toward this really bright
light and some guy with a beard.
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456. Jesus Christ-
Or Richie Havens!
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457. Nikolai!
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458. End so, Sterlink...
remember, things are not always
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459. what they appear.
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460. Mmmyello?
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461. Hello?
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462. Oh for — Mother this isn't voicemail.
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463. Mother, c'mon... The time is...
exactly seven sixteen,
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464. and I wish they were, but
even my voicemail pranks
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465. aren't that elaborate.
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466. Mother!
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467. Sterling?
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468. Leave it... just kidding.
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469. - Sterling, it's me...
- Duh. Where are you,
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470. what's all that — Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
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471. Okay. Yeah.
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472. What's up?
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473. That was um... my uh... the man
who might've been my father... just died.
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474. Awkward.
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475. And it's all my fault,
because instead of doing my job,
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476. I was here...
Half-drunk and having amazing sex.
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477. Well...
I wouldn't say amazing... What?
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478. C'mon, you were pushin rope!
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