1. Wait, here's an idea:
Copy !req
2. you talk louder, and maybe
they'll just come to us.
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3. We'd lose the
element of surprise Lana.
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4. That was sarcasm!
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5. No way, really?
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6. Because so was that, just now.
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7. I pretty much
insist that you shut up.
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8. Oh shit, they're in the armory.
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9. Good, then we got 'em,
this is the only way out.
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10. Of the armory.
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11. I heard you.
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12. And I can also read, so —
So what's in the armory?
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13. Burglars, Lana, that's
why I'm here and not up
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14. to my ears in stewardess.
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15. What else is in the armory.
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16. Well, there's a bunch of automatic
weapons, rocket launchers, um,
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17. about a jillion grenades, oh.
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18. They may have fire superiority.
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19. Ya think?
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20. Lana, for all we know they're building
a gundam-suit with bazookas for hands.
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21. Really wish we had some backup.
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22. Who, Cyril?
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23. Or ooh, maybe Ray could run
over them with his wheelchair!
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24. That was also sarcasm, since apparently
now we're saying whenever we do it.
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25. - Are you ready?
- No.
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26. Sarcasm again, yes I'm ready.
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27. What the hell are you doing?
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28. - Nothing!
- Archer!
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29. What! The hell are you doing?
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30. Nothin. What're y'all doing?
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31. The alarm company called us because
the motion sensors were going off.
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32. Dukes!
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33. Yeah, the rest of us got new
keycodes Monday, but you were...
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34. where was it?
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35. Physical therapy.
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36. For your limp, useless legs.
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37. Well it's obviously working,
you're on a — wait a minute!
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38. How the hell are you walking
around on ladders?
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39. Because he's not paralyzed!
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40. And is that not
the stuff of miracles?
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41. You lying little —
I never said I was paralyzed!
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42. Y'all just assumed I was!
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43. Because you left the
hospital in a wheelchair!
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44. They make you!
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45. And then I couldn't get a cab, so I
just got back in the chair, and...
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46. Spent the last six months
pretending to be handicapped.
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47. Handi-capable.
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48. So before I kick this
ladder over in the hopes of
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49. paralyzing you for real, why
are you in here stealing
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50. guns and grenades and what better
not be my night vision goggles?
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51. I kinda have
some family problems.
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52. So your brother, the drug dealer—
He's not a drug dealer!
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53. He's a drug farmer.
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54. Whatever, is gonna be murdered
by your hometown's crooked sheriff?
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55. E.Z. Ponder, yes, and he used
to bully me so bad in high school...
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56. Nooo!
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57. Ray, that was sarcasm.
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58. Anyway, he wants
Randy's dope farm for
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59. himself or he's gonna kill him, so I
gotta go down there and... stop him.
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60. - Count me in.
- What? Why?
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61. Well for one thing it's eerily
similar to the plot of White Lightning.
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62. And this is Ray's brother, Lana.
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63. What's more important than family?
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64. Getting hammered on moonshine and
trying to bang skanky trailer-chicks?
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65. Trying?
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66. Oh, that reminds me.
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67. - They all think I'm married to like,
a woman, so... - Oh alright,
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68. I'll be your beard.
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69. What're you, insane?
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70. "Hey y'all, here's my great
big ol' black wife!"
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71. Wh-?
- Lana, c'mon.
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72. You're gigantic.
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73. Now what's all this nonsense
about a break-in last night?
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74. I swear to God, if Krieger was doing more
of his — what's his new awful thing?
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75. Ultimate Bum Shockfights, and no,
it looks like it was an actual break-in.
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76. - What?
- Jeezy Petes!
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77. Did they get
into the mainframe?
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78. I... don't know, but —
We need Sterling, where is he?
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79. He's tracking down, um, leads.
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80. From the clues.
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81. That there were some of.
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82. What kind of clues?
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83. The kind I'm gonna show
you, if you're not too busy
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84. shutting up to come on.
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85. And put Sterling through
to me the minute he calls in!
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86. Which I guess will be never...
So, are there just no towers here?
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87. Or have we literally gone back in time?
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88. Both?
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89. Ow, you dumb idiot!
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90. - Great... Great...
- Why am I in a,
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91. whatever, dune buggy?
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92. Remember? We picked you up last
night, said we were going on a trip?
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93. No, and to where?
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94. Six Flags Over The Shittier
Parts of Chernobyl?
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95. Ferlin, West Virginia.
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96. Yeah, and you
and Ray are married.
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97. Oh my God
oh my God oh my God!
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98. We're not actually —
Actually it'll be better if she thinks —
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99. - We're marrieeeeed...
- Super.
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100. Ray, look out!
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101. Wh-?
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102. is that the sheriff, and have
you recently gone insane.
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103. Yes and no.
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104. Respectively?
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105. Now I know that ain't
who I think it is!
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106. No shit! Ray Gillet!
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107. - Gillet?
- How'n the hell are ya?
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108. Pretty good, E.Z.
How you doin?
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109. Aw, can't complain.
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110. And nobody'd listen if I did!
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111. I hear that.
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112. You hear what.
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113. Not?
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114. That?
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115. What brings you
back up the holler?
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116. Oh you know, just wanted to show
off my pretty new bride to the home folks.
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117. She is that.
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118. For a minute there I's thinkin
maybe you come back to help yer
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119. brother out with his...
business concern.
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120. Naw, just back for a visit.
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121. Well, make
sure it's a short one.
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122. 'Cause believe me when I tell you,
ain't nothin you can do to help him.
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123. Y'all drive safe now, hear?
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124. Man, is it me or
is he super-menacing?
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125. Or super-hot?
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126. Hey! Remember?
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127. We're married?
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128. Not until
it's consummated.
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129. I'll drive if you wanna
hop back there and um enter her.
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130. So not only is Ray not paralyzed,
but his brother is a drug dealer —
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131. Farmer. And he and
Archer are in West Virginia doing...
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132. what the heck are they doing?
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133. Fighting a war
on the war on drugs?
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134. God damn it.
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135. What, you shoulda
looked under the stalls!
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136. I did!
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137. - Wait, I did...
- Yeah, I usually put my feet up on the grab bars.
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138. Ugh, anyway, this is
all obviously unauthorized,
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139. - but I promised Ray we'd cover for him, so...
- Oh, no!
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140. I'm not getting mixed up in this,
and if Ms. Archer asks me —
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141. Why is it...
That every time I need to use the restroom,
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142. you people are in here skulking
around looking guilty?
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143. - Uh...
- I'll tell you why they look guilty...
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144. Because they, or we I
guess, don't know how to tell
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145. you that the break-in was a
lot worse than we thought.
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146. How much worse?
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147. - Uh, well, it's really hard to say...
- But rest assured we are on
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148. it, and Archer is on it, and...
we're on it.
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149. Well I want an
update in one hour!
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150. And why does it always reek of paint?
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151. Well, there she is...
The old homestead.
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152. Jesus, what's my dowry?
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153. Tenus?
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154. Ya know what?
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155. That's
far enough, you sonsabitches!
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156. Randy, it's me! Ray!
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157. Your brother!
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158. Don't you move.
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159. Don't move a inch.
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160. Wh-?
What do you mean "don't move"?
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161. I came home to help, you asshole!
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162. Well you ain't gonna be much
help with your legs blown off.
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163. There's mines all in the yard.
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164. Ray, to be honest, I'm having
second thoughts about this whole thing —
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165. Get in line.
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166. Randy Gillet,
where are your manners?
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167. Get these folks the map of that damn
minefield so they can come inside.
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168. - I got some nice hot pie for 'em...
- Okay, now I'm having third thoughts.
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169. Please don't.
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170. It would be rude
not to eat her pie.
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171. Which I assume is not
only hot but also moist.
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172. Although hopefully not flaky.
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173. And so E.Z. gimme a choice.
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174. Give him my whole dang operation and
get outta the holler by sundown,
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175. or else him and his boys'll just take
it, and grind me up into fertilizer.
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176. Well —
But listen to me, just yappin.
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177. Tell me bout this pretty
new wife of yours!
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178. 'Cause I'm kinda surprised
to see you married.
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179. Homeboy knows what I'm talking about!
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180. He does?
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181. A New York City
interior decorator?
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182. That's what you went with?
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183. Betcher up to
yer eyeballs in poontang!
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184. Oh.
Yeah, just so many vaginas.
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185. - No offense, darlin...
- None taken.
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186. - Want s'more of my pie, Mr. Archer?
- No!
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187. Yes! Thank you, Janelle, I would
love more of your moist and hot pie.
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188. - Well then open wiiide...
- Folks, we can't set
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189. around eatin her pie all day.
Copy !req
190. We got a situation here.
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191. So Krieger's running the
logs to see if any files were
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192. accessed last night.
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193. - Who the hell could have done this?
- Who knows? ODIN, the KGB, um...
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194. Actually—
But this'll take hours so
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195. we'll just bring you a
report when he's done!
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196. Actually —
Krieger!
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197. More type, less gripe.
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198. And has anyone
heard from Sterling?
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199. No, yes!
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200. He's out... on the case.
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201. Well, I want
some answers, and soon.
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202. And since there's
nothing in these logs,
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203. I too would like some answers.
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204. - So, here's the thing...
- If I can just get what I
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205. got to my distributor, I can retire.
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206. Maybe move up to New
York City with you.
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207. I — what, where, do what?
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208. I'm kiddin.
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209. Last thing you want's your redneck
brother hangin around...
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210. No, it's not that, it's —
Plus I'd rather kill myself.
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211. Nothin up there but a
buncha you-know-whats.
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212. There are a lot of 'em.
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213. Don't see how you stand it.
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214. - Anyhow...
- Dude.
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215. Awesome.
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216. Sweet gracious God.
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217. This here's what E.Z.
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218. wants.
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219. - How did you afford all this?
- Farm subsidy.
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220. He told the government he's growin
corn, for that high-flooktose syrup.
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221. But damned if I'm gonna
contribute to the obesity epidemic.
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222. A man's gotta have a code.
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223. Right?
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224. I put my heart and soul into this,
but now it's either roll over
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225. for that sheriff like a dog, or fight.
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226. Like a different, better dog.
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227. So is it just E.Z.
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228. coming, or —
No, the whole sheriff's department.
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229. I'd say twenty men, AR-15's,
maybe grenades, uh... oh, dogs.
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230. Duh.
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231. Ray, I'm having
fourth thoughts.
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232. Well I got a few
tricks up my sleeve.
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233. Janelle, why dontcha take Mr. Archer
and show him the defensive perimeter.
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234. - I'd be delighted...
- No, no, wait a second —
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235. - Fifth thoughts!
- Archer!
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236. Don't worry, she won't bite.
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237. But speakin of, it's about suppertime.
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238. You still partial to fried chicken?
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239. I —
I'll cook it!
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240. If somebody shaves it or whatever.
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241. What in the...?
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242. Janelle? Janelle!
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243. Randy! Wait!
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244. Dukes!
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245. So is there like,
special chickenshaving cream, or...?
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246. I — first of
all, that's a rooster!
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247. Yeah, like Kenny Rogers' Roosters —
Roasters!
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248. Randy, wait!
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249. Bawk bawk.
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250. And just what
the hell is this?
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251. Well, I'll tell you what it's
not, which is, um, what it looks like.
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252. I got caught on the fence, then
Mr. Archer tried to get me loose, and —
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253. You better git
yer ass in that house.
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254. Do you wanna have sex with my wife?
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255. No I swear, this was just an extremely
unlikely mishap with the barbed wire.
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256. 'Cause we would be
amenable to that. Well?
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257. Why you look so nonplussed?
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258. Because I wasn't sure if you
knew what amenable actually meant.
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259. Until you followed it
up with nonplussed.
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260. See, me and Janelle got
us one of them open marriages?
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261. Like in France?
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262. Oh right, in Europe.
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263. And I would really like that open
marriage to include Ray's new wife.
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264. What?
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265. - Now look, that's in the bible.
- Really?
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266. - Genesis thirty-eight, verse eight.
- Really?
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267. But even though Ray used
to be a preacher he was never
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268. big on the Old Testament —
I could see that.
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269. So I doubt he'd
wanna reciprocate.
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270. So I just need you to keep him busy
while I have sex with his wife...
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271. And then I get to have sex with—
My wife, you son of a bitch!
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272. Yeah, I think I got —
So where the hell's your damn pants?
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273. They're on the fence.
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274. Goddammit, Archer!
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275. Wait, hang on —
Archer shut up!
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276. Ray, he was — and poor Janelle
was — I gotta go make sure she's okay!
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277. And you better have a talk with him!
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278. I will, Randy, I'm sorry.
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279. A good long talk.
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280. Like, talk for about forty,
forty-five minutes.
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281. Okay, so —
Stop!
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282. I have never, in my entire life, been
as disgusted as I am at this moment.
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283. - Well, give it a minute...
- What do you mean, a cyber-attack?
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284. Apparently the uders downloaded
a virus into the mainframe...
Copy !req
285. So this all needs to come out.
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286. The mainframe is
like Krieger's baby.
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287. How'd you get him to go in on this?
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288. I told him I'd get Pam to fight
in his Ultimate Bum Shockfights.
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289. Is it called that because paying
homeless men to fight is shocking?
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290. Noop.
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291. Well, hello there, game-changer.
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292. He what?
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293. Yeah, apparently
it's in the bible?
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294. No, it isn't!
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295. It did sound too
cool for the bible.
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296. But why do you care?
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297. A, you're gay, and B, you and
Carol aren't really married.
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298. But Randy thinks we are!
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299. Yeah, but — that's
actually a really good point.
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300. I'm gonna beat
him like a rented mule!
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301. Now that sounds like
something from the bible.
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302. - She in there?
- Yeah, where's mine at?
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303. Up'n the woods with Ray.
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304. You gotta wait til later,
maybe after supper.
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305. Remember, no kissing.
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306. I was — that
is the wierdest rule.
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307. I know, right?
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308. Some honeymoon.
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309. Oh hey, do I do the face?
Copy !req
310. And where the hell
is Sterling when I need him?
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311. You've reached
Sterling Archer's voicemail.
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312. Please leave a message.
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313. Wh-?
Finally, a non-idiotic greeting!
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314. Sterling, I want an update, so call
me the instant you get this mess —
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315. - The voice mailbox of...
- Sterling Archer.
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316. is full. Goodbye.
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317. Idiot.
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318. C'mere, you
skinny-legged sumbitch!
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319. Oh! Sorry.
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320. That's okay, they're
not my best feature.
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321. No, I was —
Not important.
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322. What is important is that
Randy gave me a bible lesson?
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323. Yeah?
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324. And what'd the bible say?
Copy !req
325. Well, Janelle, obviously
the actual scripture
Copy !req
326. is open to interpretation, but
what I took away from it,
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327. is that we should go in the barn
and screw our brains out on a
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328. huge pile of marijuana.
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329. It didn't say nothin
about a rubber, did it?
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330. It did not!
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331. Ray's still up
in the woods, right?
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332. Uh... oh.
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333. No, he actually said he wanted to talk to —
Randy!
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334. Whoa whoa whoa
now hang on a second!
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335. You wife-swappin white trash piece of —
Ray, no!
Copy !req
336. Randy!
Copy !req
337. Yes. Randy.
Copy !req
338. Which I probably should've
mentioned earlier.
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339. Don't judge me.
Copy !req
340. Food.
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341. You lucky I didn't kill you.
Copy !req
342. You're lucky
I didn't kill you!
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343. While you were in bed with my wife!
Copy !req
344. Our marriage
was never consummated!
Copy !req
345. - And I think we all know why...
- Stop!
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346. Carol! Look, there's
plenty of blame to go around here.
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347. I mean, I don't think I deserve any, but—
You were gonna screw her!
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348. Yeah so, is
that still on, or...?
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349. Wh-?
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350. Carol? Wh-?
Copy !req
351. Well, somebody.
C'mon, promises were made.
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352. Just like you promised Mama'n
Deddy you'd always take care of me!
Copy !req
353. And here we go!
Copy !req
354. But they weren't even
cold in the ground before you
Copy !req
355. were galivantin around Europe!
Copy !req
356. It was the Olympics!
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357. Which you lost!
Copy !req
358. Bronze medal! Is not losing!
Copy !req
359. And then it was
off to New York City!
Copy !req
360. You can just say New York.
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361. To be a hoity-toity
interior decorator!
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362. You can just say decorator.
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363. Whatever, I don't know why I
thought he could help save my farm!
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364. Because your job?
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365. That's a job for sissies!
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366. Oh yeah?
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367. Well guess what!
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368. Ray!
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369. Is not an interior decorator.
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370. I — no, ya know what?
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371. Yes, shut up.
Copy !req
372. Randy, your seemingly effeminate
brother is actually a
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373. highly-trained secret agent.
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374. Pshh!
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375. Yeah, and I'm...
something equally hard to believe is true.
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376. It is true.
That's why I married him.
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377. Well, and the bronze medal.
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378. Prove it.
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379. What do you want,
a business card?
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380. Where do you think he got a duffel
bag full of assault weapons?
Copy !req
381. - Well, y'all do live in New York City...
- Just New York.
Copy !req
382. Ray? Is he tellin the truth?
Copy !req
383. Mostly.
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384. So... cause you're a spy, is
that why you never come back to visit?
Copy !req
385. Mostly.
Copy !req
386. And here all this time I thought
it was cause you were ashamed of us.
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387. Oh c'mon now,
why would you think that?
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388. I found a buncha
your old diaries.
Copy !req
389. Well, obviously not the
one with the Miss Piggy on it.
Copy !req
390. No, Deddy said
he burned that one.
Copy !req
391. - Ugh, great...
- And I'm sorry I screwed your wife.
Copy !req
392. And I'm sorry if I ever made
you feel like I was ashamed of you.
Copy !req
393. The important thing
is you came back to help me.
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394. C'mon, that's what
family's all ab —
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395. - Dukes!
- Shit!
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396. Dammit!
Copy !req
397. Randy Gillet!
Copy !req
398. This is Sheriff E.Z. Ponder!
Copy !req
399. You come out there with your hands up!
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400. That sonuvabitch is early!
Copy !req
401. I dunno, "sundown"
Copy !req
402. sounds more colloquial than like, an actual —
Well, if you wanna back
Copy !req
403. out on me, now's probly
the time to do that.
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404. Randy, you may be a racist,
homophobic, wife-swapping drug dealer —
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405. Farmer.
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406. — but nobody
murders my brother.
Copy !req
407. The Gillet boys, side by side!
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408. Janelle, cover that winder yonder!
Copy !req
409. Archer, you got a little fight in ya?
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410. Yeah, I'm pretty furious about
not getting to bang Janelle.
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411. Plus I wanna unleash the
power of moonshine.
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412. Then grab a gun
and cover that winder!
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413. What should I do?
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414. I got some red hot
pokers layin in that fire!
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415. If anybody gets hit, you grab
one and slap iron to it!
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416. - Awesome...
- And remember, it's us or them.
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417. So this is how it's gonna be, huh?
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418. Randy, I didn't
want it like this!
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419. C'mon, I tried to reason with ya!
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420. Reason with this!
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421. A'ight then!
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422. Light 'em up!
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423. - Ow!
- Janelle! Are ya hit?
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424. Naw, a piece
of — waaaaaghhhhhh!
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425. Well don't just set there!
Shoot!
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426. Ugh, I can't.
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427. I feel sick, what's happening,
do I have cancer again?
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428. You drank too much!
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429. That's a thing?
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430. Looks like it's
just you and me, brother.
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431. Randy, you
don't have to do this!
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432. They'll go easy on you!
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433. Hell, the judge is my wife's cousin!
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434. I bet he'll give you probation!
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435. Oh please!
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436. You're gonna murder him so you
can take over his dope farm!
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437. What?
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438. Cease fire!
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439. Hold your fire!
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440. Why in the world would you
think that I, a peace officer
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441. sworn to uphold the law, would
wanna murder your brother
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442. to get his marijuana farm?
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443. I — because
that's what Randy said!
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444. - Randy's a drug dealer!
- Farmer!
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445. And I tried to get him to quit.
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446. I come to him as a friend, I come
to him as an elder of the church,
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447. but he wouldn't give it up.
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448. And so now I gotta come
to him as the law.
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449. And you accuse me of
plannin a murder?
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450. Well, you did
used to pick on me a bunch.
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451. Well I'm sorry, I
was a dick in high school.
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452. But you gotta admit, you
were extremely pick-on-able.
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453. There's nothing
wrong with Capezios!
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454. Randy, is he telling the truth?
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455. - Mostly.
- Randy!
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456. You almost got me and
my friends killed!
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457. Because you could never be
bothered to get a real job!
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458. Well?
I only got to ninth grade!
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459. How the hell else was I supposed
to earn a livin? Diggin seng?
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460. There is a perfectly good
coal mine not a half-mile from here.
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461. And maybe you wouldn't get rich, but
at least it's an honest living.
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462. Yeah but it's hard.
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463. So's this.
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464. - Randy!
- Shut up.
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465. And Mama never liked you.
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466. Easy, don't shoot!
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467. I'm comin out!
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468. Phrasing.
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469. Here's the files you had me pull.
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470. Oww!
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471. What the hell is on your hands?
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472. My bum-zappers.
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473. For the shockfights?
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474. Th I'm doing for Krieger, which is why
he broke the server, to help Lana cover
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475. up that Ray and Mr. Archer are killing
cops for a drug dealer and also Ray's
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476. been faking that he's paralyzed?
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477. Lanaaaa!
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478. Or are we not telling you that?
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479. No, thank God you guys got
here before they started killing hostages!
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480. Which would have been us!
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481. As the hostages!
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482. You lyin-ass bitch!
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483. She's mad
because I slept with Randy.
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484. To get food for my fellow hostages.
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485. So, you really think you can
fix it so I just get probation?
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486. Oh God no, I just said that.
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487. All these drugs and weapons, attempted
murder of police officers,
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488. you'll probably die in prison.
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489. Oh. Will you come visit me?
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490. Probably not.
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491. Cause you're a spy and all?
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492. Uh —
He's a highly-trained secret agent.
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493. Is that right.
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494. Well listen here... If you ever find
your way back up in the holler...
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495. gimme a call.
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496. I think I got
myself an extra pair of Capezios layin
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497. around somewheres.
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498. Uh-?
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499. O.K. - should I just 911?
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500. A'ight, let's move em out!
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501. Well that's just great.
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502. Everybody gets laid
in the holler but me.
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503. Oh. And you, I guess.
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504. Since I ate your husband.
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