1. - Woodhouse, you you sneaky old fiend...
- Happy birthday, sir!Copy !req
2. Thanks, Woodhouse.Copy !req
3. This is amazing, seriously,
you outdid yourself.Copy !req
4. That's not all, sir!Copy !req
5. I, er... sorry about that.Copy !req
6. It's okay, I'll just
wait here while you goCopy !req
7. make me a whole new birthday
breakfast not covered in garbage.Copy !req
8. It's not garbage sir, it's—
Scraps of paper, Woodhouse,Copy !req
9. which by any definition,
yes, is garbage.Copy !req
10. Afraid I don't have the
ingredients to recreate thisCopy !req
11. exact breakfast, sir.Copy !req
12. Ugh, okay then, uh...
Nutella waffles.Copy !req
13. - Mmmm...
- Damn it.Copy !req
14. Nutella steak-and-eggs?Copy !req
15. Today's my shopping day.Copy !req
16. Why do you even bother... living.Copy !req
17. No time to talk, Popeye.Copy !req
18. It's my birthdayyy.Copy !req
19. Were you going to say Happy Birthday?Copy !req
20. Don't bother.Copy !req
21. Happy Birthday to me.Copy !req
22. Hmm-Mmm.Copy !req
23. I wonder what the guys in the
office have planned for my birthday.Copy !req
24. Wonder if Fudgie the Whale
will be there or Cookie Puss.Copy !req
25. Cookie Puss.Copy !req
26. Those guys at Carvel
know what they're doing.Copy !req
27. Paging Dr. Boy!Copy !req
28. Dr. Birthday Boy!Copy !req
29. Ahem.Copy !req
30. So, what're you ladies up to?Copy !req
31. Cleaning out
the stupid file room.Copy !req
32. Oh yeah?Copy !req
33. Any particular reason?Copy !req
34. It's full of shit?Copy !req
35. Speaking of, is that Archer?Copy !req
36. Yes, but I have to warn you...
I don't like... surprises?Copy !req
37. Or doing your share
of work apparently.Copy !req
38. Who likes that?Copy !req
39. You'd better start, because
a lot of this junk is yours.Copy !req
40. Now get to work.Copy !req
41. Are you serious?Copy !req
42. Because here's nothing special
about today whatsoever, Mother!Copy !req
43. - Oh, I wouldn't say that...
I — wait, really?Copy !req
44. Yes, it's the
quarterly fire drill.Copy !req
45. Let's go, people!Copy !req
46. Get the lead out!Copy !req
47. - Ferris Bueller you're my heeero...
- Shut up.Copy !req
48. Hang on, does nobody seriously
know what today is?Copy !req
49. Tuesday?Copy !req
50. The Rapture?Copy !req
51. Come on, people.Copy !req
52. Look alive.Copy !req
53. I never remember it taking so long.Copy !req
54. Well maybe that's because
you never remember anything!Copy !req
55. So — Oh my God!Copy !req
56. Surpriiise!Copy !req
57. I — is that — what — Mother...?Copy !req
58. Happy birthday, dear.Copy !req
59. Ow!Copy !req
60. I think.Copy !req
61. I can feel it.Copy !req
62. I can feel your power.Copy !req
63. What's that?Copy !req
64. You want me inside you?Copy !req
65. Sterling.Copy !req
66. You know my name?Copy !req
67. Sterling!Copy !req
68. Hm?Copy !req
69. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
70. I believe a "thank you"Copy !req
71. is in order.Copy !req
72. Mother, oh my
God, yes, thank you!Copy !req
73. And not just - well, mostly me,
of course, but Dr. Krieger helped too.Copy !req
74. Well, only if by "helped" you mean...Copy !req
75. Oversaw the design the world's
most insanely kickass spy car.Copy !req
76. It's a spy car?Copy !req
77. Lana?Copy !req
78. Wh-?Copy !req
79. Lana, noooooooooo!Copy !req
80. Gagh!Copy !req
81. Holy shit!Copy !req
82. Yeah, I'm like a magnet.Copy !req
83. Brett, shut up.Copy !req
84. What else does it do?Copy !req
85. Press that red button?Copy !req
86. I — wait, is it
gonna kill everybody?Copy !req
87. Press that blue button?Copy !req
88. - Welcome, Mr. Archer...
- It does know my name!Copy !req
89. To the Dodge Challenger Special
Agent Edition, brought to you by Dodge.Copy !req
90. Thanks, Dodge!Copy !req
91. Featuring a 440 V8 engine,
six speed manual transmission,Copy !req
92. and a top speed of 185.Copy !req
93. Heavy-duty suspension.Copy !req
94. Runflat tires.Copy !req
95. Bulletproof body panels and windows.Copy !req
96. Twin thirty-cal machine guns
mounted in the front...Copy !req
97. antipursuit countermeasures
in the rear.Copy !req
98. It makes the
Mach-5 look like a vagina!Copy !req
99. The interior boasts mil-spec
GPS, satellite communications,Copy !req
100. hi-fi stereo, rich Corinthian leather...
- Corinth is famous forCopy !req
101. its leather!Copy !req
102. - And of course...
- Aaaaaaaaagh!Copy !req
103. The in-dash bar is to be stocked
with non-alcoholic beverages only.Copy !req
104. Dodge cannot stress this enough.Copy !req
105. Never ever ever drink and drive.Copy !req
106. Now Sterling, listen to me.Copy !req
107. - It's like seeing the face of God...
- Sterling!Copy !req
108. What?Copy !req
109. This car cost me a lot of money,
so you have to take proper care of it.Copy !req
110. I will!Copy !req
111. And if you crash it —
I won't!Copy !req
112. Or God forbid, if you get it stolen—
I won't!Copy !req
113. You won't ever get another one.Copy !req
114. Mother I promise, I'll take
the best care of it of anything ever.Copy !req
115. You'd better.Copy !req
116. Well c'mon!Copy !req
117. Give your mom a hug!Copy !req
118. Oh, no, I don't think that's really—
Possible.Copy !req
119. At all.Copy !req
120. Why not?Copy !req
121. - Um...
- Ugh, he's got an erection.Copy !req
122. Murmuring.Copy !req
123. Sorry, it's this
Corinthian leather.Copy !req
124. In my new Dodge Challengerrrrrrr!Copy !req
125. Forgot to close the bar.Copy !req
126. In my new Dodge Challengerrrrrrr!Copy !req
127. Wow, so how much
did Dodge kick in?Copy !req
128. Not as much as you'd think.Copy !req
129. So, I hope this doesn't sound weird...
But I kinda wanna haveCopy !req
130. sex with you.Copy !req
131. Is that alright?Copy !req
132. Ugh!Copy !req
133. Seriously Dodge?Copy !req
134. Apple juice?Copy !req
135. Not you the car, obviously, but
you the blonde genie-womanCopy !req
136. who lives inside you that talks.Copy !req
137. So, what do I call you?Copy !req
138. Hello?Copy !req
139. Jeannie, it's me, master.Copy !req
140. I — wait a minute, was that
just a lame pre-recorded video?Copy !req
141. Or are you pouting for some reason?Copy !req
142. Fine, then pout!Copy !req
143. But that totally wasn't my fault...
You shouldn't even beCopy !req
144. able to put the car in
gear with the bar open!Copy !req
145. Besides the danger of drunk driving...
It's obviously a huge design flaw!Copy !req
146. Which is why now you're all sticky!Copy !req
147. Which, sorry for that.Copy !req
148. Once we get you parked I'll clean you up
and wipe you down with a fine chamois.Copy !req
149. And also quit talking to you,
because now I'm pretty sure thatCopy !req
150. was just a recording.Copy !req
151. I mean... it was, right?Copy !req
152. Whatever, either way I'm done talking.Copy !req
153. Oh, come on, it's full?Copy !req
154. Damn it, guess I'll have
to park on the street.Copy !req
155. if you get it stolen...
you won't ever get another one.Copy !req
156. I heard you, Mother!Copy !req
157. - Somehow...
- Uh, duh duh duh duh duh... ooo!Copy !req
158. Hiya, neighbor!Copy !req
159. The grappling hook
detaches from my end?Copy !req
160. Way to think it through, Dodge.Copy !req
161. So, clean all the broken
glass and the sticky apple juice,Copy !req
162. then I need all new glassware,
some real liquor... Uh... oh!Copy !req
163. There's a grappling hook
in the street, get that,Copy !req
164. and then find out where
to buy caltrops.Copy !req
165. Caltrops?Copy !req
166. Yeah, caltrops.Copy !req
167. Try, maybe...Copy !req
168. "area denial weapons dot com."Copy !req
169. Very good, sir.Copy !req
170. Oh, did you decide
to start talking to me?Copy !req
171. Nothing, Woodhouse, what do you want?Copy !req
172. Ugh, it's black?Copy !req
173. Powerful?Copy !req
174. Sexy?Copy !req
175. Like if Ron O'Neal was a car?Copy !req
176. What?Copy !req
177. No... No, no, no, no...
Noooooooo!Copy !req
178. - No, no, no, no...
- Sir?Copy !req
179. - What are you —
- I thought, maybe she had some sort of,Copy !req
180. cloak, cloaking de-hi-hiiice!Copy !req
181. - No, then I'd be standing in it...
- You!Copy !req
182. What'd you do with Jeannie?Copy !req
183. Steady on, sir!Copy !req
184. I swear to God I'll
scoop out whatever organs youCopy !req
185. have left and aaaaaghhh!Copy !req
186. Sorry sir, you
were going all Bilboey.Copy !req
187. I'm sorry.Copy !req
188. Woodhouse.Copy !req
189. Can I see that can for a sec?Copy !req
190. No, sir!Copy !req
191. I just wanted to read the warning
label about in case of eye contact!Copy !req
192. You did not, you were
going to spray me in the eyes!Copy !req
193. I totally was.Copy !req
194. Oh my God, okay, I gotta think...
Would you stop?Copy !req
195. They look pretty bad, sir.Copy !req
196. Really?Copy !req
197. Because they feel great!Copy !req
198. Okay, so obviously Jeannie was stolen.Copy !req
199. And who steals cars, Woodhouse?Copy !req
200. Jippos.Copy !req
201. Car thieves.Copy !req
202. And this was obviously a ring
of very high-end car thieves.Copy !req
203. So now I have to go undercover
in the high-end car-thief...Copy !req
204. whatever, underworld,
and steal Jeannie back!Copy !req
205. Sounds dangerous, sir.Copy !req
206. Not nearly as dangerous as Mother
finding out I lost my birthday present.Copy !req
207. Sterling.Copy !req
208. Y-yes, Mother?Copy !req
209. Where is your new bicycle?Copy !req
210. - That's what I thought...
- And you let her do it.Copy !req
211. - I —
- I'm kidding, you couldn't have stopped her,Copy !req
212. she would've snapped your spine.Copy !req
213. You are just... tiny.Copy !req
214. Lana!Copy !req
215. Whaddya know, whaddya say?Copy !req
216. I know you're about to ask me for
a favor, and I say, wait for it...Copy !req
217. I —
Wait?Copy !req
218. Was that even a twist-off?Copy !req
219. No.Copy !req
220. Yikes.Copy !req
221. Is my answer.Copy !req
222. To your favor.Copy !req
223. No matter what it is, the answer is no.Copy !req
224. Somebody stole my birthday car.Copy !req
225. Okay, I'm gonna drink some of this,
and then do a huge spit take on you.Copy !req
226. What the shit, Lana?Copy !req
227. I told you I was gonna do it.Copy !req
228. Right, sorry,
guess I'm a bad listener.Copy !req
229. Obviously!Copy !req
230. Malory told you not to let
that stupid car get stolen!Copy !req
231. Thank you,
world's loudest voice!Copy !req
232. Now shut up, because — for reasons
that don't bear going into,Copy !req
233. I have to get it back
before Mother finds out!Copy !req
234. Ugh, okay, I'll help you.Copy !req
235. To do... wait, what am I helping you do?Copy !req
236. Infiltrate whatever
criminal outfit steals theCopy !req
237. hottest cars in the city.Copy !req
238. - That would be the Yakuza...
Wh-?Copy !req
239. And man, against those pinkieless
bastards, you had better come correct.Copy !req
240. And you know this how?Copy !req
241. Exactly?Copy !req
242. Moshiwake arimasen.Copy !req
243. Homies.Copy !req
244. Hang on hang on,
you race drift cars?Copy !req
245. Crappily.Copy !req
246. Oh for — is
anybody not in here?Copy !req
247. I'm not crappy, I just started!Copy !req
248. Shut up, when's
the next race and we'reCopy !req
249. gonna pose as your pit crew.Copy !req
250. I — it's tonight, and I dunno,Copy !req
251. if the Yakuza finds out you're
snoopin around about a hot set of wheels...Copy !req
252. Oh don't worry about me, I'm-
Not!Copy !req
253. Going on another stupid rampage.Copy !req
254. Well...
maybe a limited rampage.Copy !req
255. No.Copy !req
256. Modified limited rampage.Copy !req
257. Archer-
Don't worry about my methods!Copy !req
258. The important thing is that nobody tells-Copy !req
259. Motherrr!Copy !req
260. Tell me what.Copy !req
261. What?Copy !req
262. What.Copy !req
263. What're we doing, I
shouldn't be in here, and...Copy !req
264. neither should you Pam!Copy !req
265. Why aren't you
out in your new car?Copy !req
266. Because...
Woodhouse is detailing it,Copy !req
267. because that's the high level of care...
that I'm taking of it.Copy !req
268. You better be.Copy !req
269. Wow, dodged a
bullet there, huh?Copy !req
270. Figuratively.Copy !req
271. And you better hope we don't
have to dodge any literally.Copy !req
272. Well, obviously I hope that.Copy !req
273. I am not super-confident
about this...Copy !req
274. Join the club.Copy !req
275. And I don't even know why I'm here.Copy !req
276. Join that club.Copy !req
277. Then shut up and act like you
know what you're doing.Copy !req
278. I don't know
anything about cars.Copy !req
279. I meant as an
agent, zing, okay Pam,Copy !req
280. who's the big cheesy-san around here?Copy !req
281. That would be Mr.Moto, he's —
Crapjacks,Copy !req
282. he's coming over here!Copy !req
283. So, shiro kabocha,
you are back.Copy !req
284. Hai, Moto-san.Copy !req
285. And again, just...
really sorry about your nephew.Copy !req
286. He knew the risk.Copy !req
287. But I do not know these people!Copy !req
288. Sorry hi, I'm Randy,
crew leader, and —Copy !req
289. Why does this
underling speak to me?Copy !req
290. Underling?Copy !req
291. Ar — Randy, don't —
Listen here, Moto!Copy !req
292. I —
Kare o bassuru!Copy !req
293. Uh —
Right in the head and ass.Copy !req
294. Ungh!Copy !req
295. Let that be a lesson to you!Copy !req
296. Yakuzo!Copy !req
297. Aw man, I just totally lost face!Copy !req
298. Join that club.Copy !req
299. So uh, you rethinking that rampage?Copy !req
300. - I am, actually...
- Ew.Copy !req
301. Gross.Copy !req
302. Then can we please
get out of here?Copy !req
303. Absolutely...
Right after I get my car.Copy !req
304. Archer!Copy !req
305. Jeezy Petes!Copy !req
306. - No wonder it was runnin rough...
- Archer, don't —Copy !req
307. Now which one of
you pussies has it?Copy !req
308. So, just a heads up, I'm
starting the rampage now.Copy !req
309. No kidding.Copy !req
310. No.Copy !req
311. - I am so angry at you right now...
- You?Copy !req
312. Look at them.Copy !req
313. They're furious.Copy !req
314. - One question, before you die...
- Shoot.Copy !req
315. Figuratively!Copy !req
316. - My question is this...
- What are you doing?Copy !req
317. What nothing!Copy !req
318. Uh-huh.Copy !req
319. Have you seen Sterling?Copy !req
320. Ever?Copy !req
321. Tonight, now!Copy !req
322. He's supposed to meet me at 21
for his stupid birthday dinner,Copy !req
323. but he's not answering his —
Mmmyello?Copy !req
324. Mother? Hi, listen, I can't really
talk right now, can I call you back?Copy !req
325. Or are you pouting for some-
Oh crap, are you already at 21?Copy !req
326. Sorry, I'm running late, so go ahead
and order me four martinis, and —Copy !req
327. - Sterling Malory Archer, you
inconsiderate little... - Boom!Copy !req
328. Birthday voicemail, Mother!Copy !req
329. I got you.Copy !req
330. But seriously, I bet I will be late, so
go ahead pull the trigger on those —Copy !req
331. Rrgh!Copy !req
332. What kind of ass would be late
for his own birthday dinner?Copy !req
333. Mmmm, the kind
who'd infiltrate the Yakuza?Copy !req
334. What.Copy !req
335. Nothing.Copy !req
336. What, nothing.Copy !req
337. Carol.Copy !req
338. Noop.Copy !req
339. Answer me.Copy !req
340. No, I've said too much
alread — Jeezowwww!Copy !req
341. You got another one in ya?Copy !req
342. Answer me!Copy !req
343. And that, I guess, is
a pretty long answer to whyCopy !req
344. I'd go on a suicide mission
to get back my birthday car.Copy !req
345. Because of a stupid bicycle?Copy !req
346. What part of "five-speed Schwinn
Stingray" are you not getting?Copy !req
347. Are you — and I'm being
serious here, are you insane?Copy !req
348. Mmmmaybe some mild
post-traumatic stress disorder, but —Copy !req
349. But he drinks a lot, so—
So yeah,Copy !req
350. I think I've got a pretty
good handle on it.Copy !req
351. We don't even have your damn car!Copy !req
352. We steal drift cars!Copy !req
353. Imports only!Copy !req
354. Right-hand drive, duh.Copy !req
355. Okay, and why,
would I believe you?Copy !req
356. Why would I lie?Copy !req
357. Either way we're going to kill you!Copy !req
358. Oh.Copy !req
359. Right.Copy !req
360. And if they don't, I'm going to.Copy !req
361. Wh-?Copy !req
362. How is this my fault?Copy !req
363. This is all my fault!Copy !req
364. I should've never gotten him that car,
it's that damn bicycle all over again!Copy !req
365. And who the hell taught
you how to drive?Copy !req
366. This guy I know, named...
My dead father.Copy !req
367. - Oh, I, er...
- Yeah.Copy !req
368. Bet you feel like a dick.Copy !req
369. No, because look, if this whole
thing is anybody's fault, it's — Pam!Copy !req
370. What're you doing?Copy !req
371. What nothing!Copy !req
372. Aww, sh — umpf!Copy !req
373. - Dammit...
- Fiiiiiire!Copy !req
374. Where are you going?Copy !req
375. How should I know?Copy !req
376. Can't see shit, my car's shot to shit,
and I only had three shitty payments —Copy !req
377. Leeeffft!Copy !req
378. What?Copy !req
379. Go left, dumb-ass!Copy !req
380. Kuruma ni!Copy !req
381. To the cars!Copy !req
382. Move!Copy !req
383. The damn!Copy !req
384. Hood!Copy !req
385. - Okay, hang on... -Copy !req
386. How's that?Copy !req
387. Wagh!Copy !req
388. - Pam, if you do that again...
- What're ya gonna do,Copy !req
389. shoot my car?Copy !req
390. Lana's doing it too!Copy !req
391. No she's — God damn it!Copy !req
392. Sorry!Copy !req
393. Are you?Copy !req
394. Cyril here,
make yourself useful!Copy !req
395. I — no, ya know what?Copy !req
396. No.Copy !req
397. What?Copy !req
398. No!Copy !req
399. The way I see it, we're
the bad guys here!Copy !req
400. They're the Yakuza!Copy !req
401. Who were minding their own business—
Of whiteCopy !req
402. slavery —
Don't qualify it.Copy !req
403. and stealing cars!Copy !req
404. Not yours!Copy !req
405. Well maybe not, but—
But you come inCopy !req
406. here, guns blazing, half-cocked
and, probably half-drunk —Copy !req
407. It's my birthday!Copy !req
408. Well happy freakin birthday!Copy !req
409. Thank you.Copy !req
410. Finally somebody
acknowledges my birthday.Copy !req
411. Shut up, because
now we're gonna die!Copy !req
412. Not if shiro kabocha can help it...Copy !req
413. Whoa! Pam, you're actually
pretty bad-ass at this.Copy !req
414. Duh!Copy !req
415. Why d'ya think they
call me shiro kabocha?Copy !req
416. Yeah what does
that mean, anyway?Copy !req
417. - The white shadow...
- No it doesn't!Copy !req
418. It means white pumpkin!Copy !req
419. Wh-?Copy !req
420. - Aww, honey...
- Oh yeah?Copy !req
421. Well I gotcher pumpkin hangin!Copy !req
422. Ew.Copy !req
423. Ya used-panty-vending
sonsabitches!Copy !req
424. Shiro kabocha!Copy !req
425. This is not over!Copy !req
426. Yeah, we'll see about that.Copy !req
427. Gun, gimme.Copy !req
428. No, honey, let's just —
Shut up, gimme the gun.Copy !req
429. No.Copy !req
430. Give it!Copy !req
431. No!Copy !req
432. You're agitated!Copy !req
433. No shit I'm agitated,
look at my car!Copy !req
434. At least you have one!Copy !req
435. And thanks to you we wasted all
night dicking around with theCopy !req
436. Yakuza, and I still don't
know who stole my frickin-Copy !req
437. Motherrr!Copy !req
438. Sterling Malory Archer...!Copy !req
439. I, uh, what're you doing here,Copy !req
440. did you not hear my outgoing voicemail?Copy !req
441. Did you not hear me tell
you not to let your brand-newCopy !req
442. car get stolen?Copy !req
443. Thanks a lot, blabbermouth!Copy !req
444. She beat it out of me!Copy !req
445. Stop it!Copy !req
446. But nooo, you didn't listen to me.Copy !req
447. And then you lied to me.Copy !req
448. And then you almost got
everyone killed, and —Copy !req
449. Almost nothing!Copy !req
450. I'll kill you all right now!Copy !req
451. Do you mind?Copy !req
452. I'm trying to parent!Copy !req
453. Wagh!Copy !req
454. That was for Pearl Harbor!Copy !req
455. Now where was I?Copy !req
456. Oh yes, and all because
you're irresponsible!Copy !req
457. No I'm — well,
not with the car...Copy !req
458. Are you — Sterling,
you left it unlocked in anCopy !req
459. unattended garage!Copy !req
460. - I don't, um...
- She took it.Copy !req
461. What?Copy !req
462. Well, not me personally, I —
Why?Copy !req
463. Would you... do that?Copy !req
464. To teach you a lesson!Copy !req
465. About what?Copy !req
466. Life!Copy !req
467. Just like with that damn bicycle
when you were eight years old!Copy !req
468. - I don't, um...
- She took it.Copy !req
469. Wh-?Copy !req
470. You stole my bike?Copy !req
471. I came home from work,
and it was just lying on theCopy !req
472. sidewalk, and I thought "Oh,
this will teach him."Copy !req
473. - Stingray... five-speed...
- But so,Copy !req
474. did you talk to him about
responsibility when you gave it back?Copy !req
475. Gave it back?Copy !req
476. Well what kind of
lesson would that be?Copy !req
477. - Banana saddle... sissy bar...
- Oh my God, so...Copy !req
478. what about his car?Copy !req
479. - Jeannie...
- Mmmm.Copy !req
480. - I'm afraid it already has a new owner...
- Yeah,Copy !req
481. that's what I'm talking about.Copy !req
482. Thanks Dodge or whoever.Copy !req
483. Yes, my ass is everywhere.Copy !req
484. What are you lookin' at Sucker.Copy !req