1. Agent Sterling Archer, code name Duchess.Copy !req
2. License to kill.Copy !req
3. Primary skills: Covert operations...Copy !req
4. unarmed combat, firearms, explosives...Copy !req
5. asset acquisition, enemy agent disposal.Copy !req
6. Current status: Missing.Copy !req
7. For three months.Copy !req
8. Sterling's been missing for three months
and you idiots have nothing.Copy !req
9. Well name-calling's not gonna get us...Copy !req
10. Anywhere.
Which is where Archer could be.Copy !req
11. Malory, we've checked every safe house,
run down every lead.Copy !req
12. And he hasn't touched any
of his bank accounts, so unless he... Oh.Copy !req
13. Were you gonna say,
"Unless he's been skimming cash...Copy !req
14. from his operations accounts
all these years"?Copy !req
15. Yeah, duh, right?
He wouldn't dare steal from me.Copy !req
16. Oh, please, we all...Copy !req
17. Think he would dare to do that.Copy !req
18. So we've got a highly-ish skilled
covert agent...Copy !req
19. who probably has millions of dollars
in cash.Copy !req
20. Who doesn't want to be found.Copy !req
21. Being looked for by people
who don't want to find him.Copy !req
22. Whatever.
Meaning whom?Copy !req
23. Oh, don't give me that.
You're all secretly delighted that he's gone.Copy !req
24. Well, I wouldn't say delighted, but...
I cannot say I miss the bullying.Copy !req
25. Me neither.
Plus ISIS actually turned a profit this quarter.Copy !req
26. Be that as it...Copy !req
27. No, never mind.Copy !req
28. Because since you've all been
half-assedly phoning it in...Copy !req
29. Malory, he can't be found.
I mean, if he's even still, um...Copy !req
30. Still what?
Alive.Copy !req
31. Jeez. Ow. Talk about "duh."
I bet he already totally killed himself.Copy !req
32. No, he didn't. What's wrong with you?Copy !req
33. Nothing.
Because my skeevy Russian fiancée...Copy !req
34. wasn't murdered in front of my very eyeballs
at my stupid wedding.Copy !req
35. No!Copy !req
36. Katya!Copy !req
37. No!
Whoo!Copy !req
38. How's that feel, Archer, huh?
Now both our weddings are canceled.Copy !req
39. Barry!Copy !req
40. Ha, ha, ha.
Is that how you crash a wedding?Copy !req
41. Yes, it is, Bionic Barry. Yes, it is.Copy !req
42. No. No matter how distraught Sterling
is over Katya, he won't kill himself.Copy !req
43. He'd never do that to me.Copy !req
44. He's alive somewhere,
and since you fools can't find him...Copy !req
45. I called in someone who can.Copy !req
46. Say hello to Rip Riley, manhunter.Copy !req
47. Manhunter? Now, if that's not the pot
calling the kettle black.Copy !req
48. Oh, Rip, you old so-and-so.
How are you, Mal? Besides gorgeous?Copy !req
49. Oh, I'm not, I'm a mess.
I'm worried half to death about Sterling, and...Copy !req
50. Don't be. I tracked him down.
What?Copy !req
51. See?
How?Copy !req
52. Yeah, this new thing called
intelligence gathering.Copy !req
53. Anywho, he's on a little island
called Wapuni in French Polynesia.Copy !req
54. With his millions in cash.Copy !req
55. Tending bar.
Or not.Copy !req
56. I'll pick him up tonight.
Three days back to New York...Copy !req
57. so if you're not busy Friday night...
I'll book us our old booth at 21.Copy !req
58. Outstanding. Riley out.Copy !req
59. What a hunk.
Total sploosh.Copy !req
60. Actually, yeah,
gotta give him the sploosh.Copy !req
61. And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is,
which I guess is just sploosh.Copy !req
62. Only with semen.Copy !req
63. Oh, my God, I can't believe I just did that.Copy !req
64. You know, I'm not like that...
No, hey, come on, don't do that.Copy !req
65. Don't ruin your postcoital bliss
with a bunch of misplaced guilt.Copy !req
66. How is it misplaced?
I'm on my honeymoon.Copy !req
67. At least you got a honeymoon.
My fiancée was murdered.Copy !req
68. Wait, what?
Yeah.Copy !req
69. Oh, and you married an idiot.Copy !req
70. Who plays 36 holes of golf
on the first day of his honeymoon?Copy !req
71. Not to, whatever,
but that can't bode well for your marriage.Copy !req
72. Get the hell out, you piece of shit!Copy !req
73. Seriously, I hope she didn't sign a prenup,
because... Oh, my God.Copy !req
74. Ahem. Hey, so, what happened
was somebody ordered room service...Copy !req
75. but the regular room-service guy, he died,
so I came in here and then I fell on the bed.Copy !req
76. Wait, you're not her husband.Copy !req
77. And you're not one of my dick bosses,
so can I help you?Copy !req
78. Yes, you can quickly and quietly walk down
to the dock and board my seaplane.Copy !req
79. Okay, A, rhetorical, and, B, your what?
Seaplane.Copy !req
80. Looks like an airplane had a baby with a boat.
Yeah, I know what a seaplane is.Copy !req
81. Yet you're surprisingly unclear
on the phrase "quickly and quietly."Copy !req
82. And even more unclear on who you are.Copy !req
83. Name's Rip Riley. Your mother hired me
to bring you back, Sterling.Copy !req
84. She what? I mean, who?Copy !req
85. I'm Randy, see? So you can just go back
to that other guy's mother...Copy !req
86. and tell her that even if you did find
that other guy, he's never coming back to ISIS.Copy !req
87. Wait, did you say ISIS or...? How did ISIS
suddenly get in the mix, is what I'm asking.Copy !req
88. I'm asking you for the last time
to get on that plane.Copy !req
89. You wanna try and make me, Rip?
No, I don't.Copy !req
90. And I promise...Copy !req
91. You don't want that either.Copy !req
92. Hey, so listen.Copy !req
93. I think we got off on the wrong foot.Copy !req
94. But I'm willing to, you know,
let bygones be gone by the wayside.Copy !req
95. Good to know. But I'm not there yet.Copy !req
96. Well, give it some time.
Speaking of, how long is this stupid flight?Copy !req
97. About 40 hours in the air.
Hooray.Copy !req
98. But I have to island-hop to refuel.Copy !req
99. Old Lucy Goosey here only has a range
of about a thousand nautical miles.Copy !req
100. Yeah, making it wildly impractical. Got it.Copy !req
101. This plane is totally practical.Copy !req
102. For the ridiculous image
you're trying to cultivate for yourself.Copy !req
103. What image?
Sky captain of yesteryear!Copy !req
104. At least I'm not sky captain
of "I ran away from home."Copy !req
105. I didn't run away from home.
I'm a grown man.Copy !req
106. Whose fiancée was murdered
in front of his very eyes.Copy !req
107. So excuse me for needing some time
to grieve.Copy !req
108. By tending bar and banging newlyweds?Copy !req
109. Apparently that's my grieving process.Copy !req
110. And also I need to use the bathroom.
A, it's called the head, and, B, no.Copy !req
111. Pee in your pants.
Yeah, wrong number.Copy !req
112. And I've had nothing but liquor
and mangoes for three months...Copy !req
113. so unless you wanna fly a thousand
nautical miles sitting next to that...Copy !req
114. Okay, I'm setting the autopilot.Copy !req
115. But this better not be a ruse.
Heh, heh. A ruse?Copy !req
116. Hello? Hi, it's the 1930s.Copy !req
117. Can we have our words, clothes
and airplane back?Copy !req
118. Let's go, kid.
Call you back, 1930s.Copy !req
119. And, hey, watch out for that Adolf Hitler.
He's a bad egg.Copy !req
120. No, one pedal fills it with water...Copy !req
121. I did that.
the other pedal flushes it.Copy !req
122. No, it doesn't. Ugh.Copy !req
123. You come try.
I gotta choke down this gag reflex.Copy !req
124. Yeah, quit being a dick
for five seconds and unlock the door.Copy !req
125. It doesn't have a lock.Copy !req
126. Damn it, I'm gonna puke and there's no room
in the toilet or the sink.Copy !req
127. What the hell did you put in the sink?Copy !req
128. A ruse, you big dumb idiot.Copy !req
129. And also a bunch of shaving cream
and toilet paper. Ha, ha, ha.Copy !req
130. Just because.Copy !req
131. Where does Malory get off implying
that we didn't do our best?Copy !req
132. No, she straight-up said it.Copy !req
133. What she implied
was that we're jealous of Archer...Copy !req
134. and that you're still attracted to him.Copy !req
135. I... That's... What?
Oh, please.Copy !req
136. You're so hot for him,
I could reheat this chili in your cooch.Copy !req
137. Don't you have some humans to resource?
Actually, no.Copy !req
138. Most of my job is dealing with sexual
harassment complaints against Mr. Archer.Copy !req
139. So are we gonna make some cooch chili
or what?Copy !req
140. What the...? What the holy...?
What in holy hell are you doing?Copy !req
141. It was gonna be an old-fashioned
but I couldn't find bitters.Copy !req
142. How long was I out?
Hard to say.Copy !req
143. After I shaved and stuff,
I took a pretty long nap, so...Copy !req
144. Uncuff me, you idiot. Holy God,
if we overshot our chance to refuel...Copy !req
145. I thought you put it on autopilot.
It just maintains course and altitude.Copy !req
146. It doesn't know how to find
the only airstrip within a thousand miles...Copy !req
147. so it can land itself when it needs gas!Copy !req
148. Then I, uh, misunderstood the concept.Copy !req
149. Uncuff me!
Okay. God.Copy !req
150. Wait, first promise
you won't take me back to ISIS.Copy !req
151. ISIS? You'll be lucky
if I can get us back to land.Copy !req
152. Now uncuff me!
Okay. God.Copy !req
153. Wait a minute. Is this a ruse?Copy !req
154. Because if it is, pretty elaborate.Copy !req
155. Damn it. There goes number two.Copy !req
156. But it can land on water, right?
Isn't that the whole point?Copy !req
157. It's kind of a different story
when we're dropping like a ton of bricks.Copy !req
158. Damn, I can barely hold her level.
Want me to help steer or...?Copy !req
159. Haven't you done enough already?
How is this suddenly my fault?Copy !req
160. Okay, this is it.Copy !req
161. Come on, Lucy Goosey, you can do it.Copy !req
162. Looking good, girl.Copy !req
163. I think we're gonna be okay.
Wait, you didn't put the wheels down.Copy !req
164. The what? What are you...?Copy !req
165. No!Copy !req
166. Damn it!Copy !req
167. Ah!Copy !req
168. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
169. Two personal records!Copy !req
170. For breath-holding and number of sharks
shot in the fricking face.Copy !req
171. Did you see that?Copy !req
172. Dude, are you even alive?Copy !req
173. No, that side's too low.Copy !req
174. Well, I can't tell from here.
Well, I can, and it's too low.Copy !req
175. I think you mean "premature."Copy !req
176. What did you say?
Nothing.Copy !req
177. Archer doesn't want to come back, so I don't
know how Riley's gonna get him on a plane.Copy !req
178. Which I bet will crash.
Yeah.Copy !req
179. Now, you listen.
Sterling is coming home safe and sound...Copy !req
180. and when he does,
it'll be no thanks to you people...Copy !req
181. so you can forget about getting Carvel.
Oh.Copy !req
182. Cookie Puss.Copy !req
183. What the...? What in the holy hell
are you doing now?Copy !req
184. Ugh. Wondering why
this is called a D ration.Copy !req
185. Ought to call it a Y ration, as in,
"Hey, this tastes like cat shit."Copy !req
186. They're not candy bars, jackass,
they're survival rations.Copy !req
187. They might have to last us a while.
Um...Copy !req
188. Oh, you son of a... Okay, that's it.Copy !req
189. As of right now, I'm... What the...?
Looking for this?Copy !req
190. Give me that.
No. You're agitated.Copy !req
191. I'm agitated
because you crashed my plane...Copy !req
192. in the God knows if it's even the middle
of the Pacific Ocean.Copy !req
193. Which you're floating on,
and not getting shit out of a shark in.Copy !req
194. Wait, what?
I saved you from a shark, Rip.Copy !req
195. Let's see, after I pulled you out
of that shit heap of a plane...Copy !req
196. but before I gave you CPR
and bandaged your head.Copy !req
197. Oh. Well, thanks.
You're welcome.Copy !req
198. Sorry I ate so much food.
That was a dick move.Copy !req
199. If it makes you feel better,
I puked most of it up.Copy !req
200. It doesn't.
Raft's pretty bobby.Copy !req
201. We've got a few gallons of freshwater,
a desalinator for when that runs out.Copy !req
202. Let's see, flare gun and some flares,
fishing gear. Oh!Copy !req
203. And this guy.
What is that?Copy !req
204. Emergency beacon.
Beams a signal directly to the ISIS satellite.Copy !req
205. Oh, well, that's just great.
Now I get to deal with this...Copy !req
206. as my hot meatball sub congeals
into a big, fat, disappointing blob of shit.Copy !req
207. Nobody's gonna touch that?Copy !req
208. Yeah. So I figure three days
for ISIS to get a rescue team out here.Copy !req
209. Nice. So we just kick back,
catch a few rays, catch some sushi.Copy !req
210. Not gonna be a picnic...
Can I check that out?Copy !req
211. Don't mess with those knobs.
I got the frequency set.Copy !req
212. Hey thanks, Guglielmo Marconi...Copy !req
213. who I think invented the radio.Copy !req
214. Over.Copy !req
215. But if the emergency beacon is going off...Copy !req
216. Oh, my God, their plane crashed.
Ah!Copy !req
217. I said that would happen and it did.Copy !req
218. Oh, my God.
What if I have psychokinetic powers?Copy !req
219. I don't know.
Just try to only use them for good.Copy !req
220. No.
Well?Copy !req
221. Don't just sit there sweating
like a gigantic cheese.Copy !req
222. Do something.
Ow! And I am.Copy !req
223. Our satellite's locked on the beacon,
which is, jeez, the middle of nowhere.Copy !req
224. Lana, Ray, get there this instant.
Uh...Copy !req
225. Sort of following up on his thing
about the middle of nowhere. How?Copy !req
226. The black titanium corporate card?Copy !req
227. I thought it was just a myth.Copy !req
228. Like a big, beautiful, no-limit unicorn.Copy !req
229. Charter a private jet to Honolulu.Copy !req
230. Then I don't care if you have to buy a plane,
get out there and find him.Copy !req
231. Wait. No, that's not in the budget.Copy !req
232. Say "budget" to me again, Cyril.
Save your receipts, please.Copy !req
233. And call me the very instant
you have an update.Copy !req
234. And you. You lose my son, you'll have to drink
your meatball subs through a straw.Copy !req
235. Again, ow!Copy !req
236. And again, the satellite
is locked on the beacon...Copy !req
237. so unless he, I don't know, throws it away...Copy !req
238. Why the hell would he do that?Copy !req
239. I told you. I'm not going back there.
Well, you say that.Copy !req
240. Riley, I will shoot you.
Then I'll shoot you. With a flare.Copy !req
241. Then I'll use a D ration bar
and two survival crackers...Copy !req
242. to make s'mores over the crackling fire
that used to be your chest cavity.Copy !req
243. Goddamn, dude.
Sorry, but you're acting really crazy.Copy !req
244. Well, being a spy makes you crazy.Copy !req
245. I mean, what kind of job is that,
where your fiancée gets murdered?Copy !req
246. Hello, stress. And don't even get me started
on my mother.Copy !req
247. I mean, she...
She can be a steel-clad bitch.Copy !req
248. I know. Why do you think I left ISIS?Copy !req
249. You were an ISIS agent?
Briefly, way back.Copy !req
250. Didn't work out, because your mother...
Was impossible to please.Copy !req
251. God, if you only knew.
What?Copy !req
252. How much your mom loves you.Copy !req
253. You would at least have the heart
to go tell her you're quitting in person.Copy !req
254. Sheesh. Rather get shot with a flare.
Man up. Talk to your mother.Copy !req
255. Then you can be a bartender
and destroy a new marriage every week.Copy !req
256. Come on, that marriage was doomed.
And so are we, if we don't work together here.Copy !req
257. So truce?
Uh...Copy !req
258. Yeah. And, hey, we're not doomed. Look.Copy !req
259. Over here! Hey!
No, no, no, quit waving. Get down.Copy !req
260. Don't you wanna get rescued?
Yeah, but those could be pirates.Copy !req
261. Okay, well, then they'll just have to do
till we find some cowboys and Indians.Copy !req
262. What?
What "what"? What are you talking about?Copy !req
263. I'm sorry.Copy !req
264. I didn't know pirates were...Copy !req
265. still a real thing.Copy !req
266. This is not at all what I pictured.
You hear "pirate ship"...Copy !req
267. you think sails, cannonballs.
Not one of these guys has a beard.Copy !req
268. Are you done?
Hang on.Copy !req
269. Planks. Now I'm done.Copy !req
270. The fact that we're still alive
tells me they're gonna try to...Copy !req
271. Don't say "rape."Copy !req
272. Ransom us.
Awesome.Copy !req
273. Compared to rape,
which seems like a thing pirates would do.Copy !req
274. Those numskulls who picked us up
were so drunk...Copy !req
275. That did seem piratey.
They forgot to search me.Copy !req
276. Unless you've got Navy SEALs stuffed
in your pants...Copy !req
277. No. I've got the signal beacon.
So?Copy !req
278. We stall the pirates
until the ISIS rescue team shows up...Copy !req
279. boards the ship, takes them all out.
Bing, bang, boom.Copy !req
280. Which is funny why?
Gee, where do I start?Copy !req
281. I will start with the caviar
and the '38 Montrachet...Copy !req
282. then do the Kobe tartare
with this '42 Lapin...Copy !req
283. and this chocolate terrine looks insane.Copy !req
284. And then just send me
to fat camp and pray to God...Copy !req
285. I don't eat all those fat,
delicious childrens.Copy !req
286. Because I will gobble them up.Copy !req
287. Wow, ISIS has really gone downhill.
But there must be some good agents.Copy !req
288. It kills me to say it, but maybe Lana.Copy !req
289. I doubt that's what Malory had in mind
when she gave us the card.Copy !req
290. You know, we are on a rescue mission.
Ugh.Copy !req
291. Rescue me from myself.Copy !req
292. Such a fatty.Copy !req
293. I wouldn't put all my rescue eggs
in that basket.Copy !req
294. Well, you got a better plan?Copy !req
295. I don't. I'm not really a planner.
My process is a little more organic.Copy !req
296. So let's just play it by ear,
see where the afternoon takes us.Copy !req
297. See? This is why I like to keep it loose.Copy !req
298. I mean, the wine's crap, but... Oh, sorry.Copy !req
299. No offense, captain.
No, I am who is sorry.Copy !req
300. This from million-dollar yacht.Copy !req
301. Now I don't feel bad for killing them.Copy !req
302. Serves them right, those jerks.
But you know wine. You rich man.Copy !req
303. Me? No, I'm...
Rich man.Copy !req
304. My men take this off you.Copy !req
305. The Omicron Spacemaster.Copy !req
306. Oh, it's actually the Spy...
Spacemaster, yeah.Copy !req
307. Good old Spacemaster.Copy !req
308. "To Sterling. Love, Mother."Copy !req
309. Your mother rich lady.Copy !req
310. Yeah, crazy rich.
She invented the splashless urinal cake.Copy !req
311. The what?Copy !req
312. Well, doesn't matter.
She's rich and she loves me.Copy !req
313. And I'm really rich
and this is my manservant, Jerkins.Copy !req
314. Funny stuff.
Not now, Jerkins.Copy !req
315. So I bet she'd pay
whatever ransom you ask for.Copy !req
316. Splashless urinal cakes
have been pretty good to us.Copy !req
317. As you can imagine.
Yeah, this good to hear.Copy !req
318. But we can't do any of that
"mail somebody a finger" shit...Copy !req
319. No, no, no, we take you back to my island.Copy !req
320. Call your mother, get big, big money!
Awesome.Copy !req
321. Compared to finger-mailing.Copy !req
322. So tell me about this island of yours.Copy !req
323. It's a tiny little rock called Pangu.Copy !req
324. Nothing else within a thousand miles,
and the beacon has been heading straight for it...Copy !req
325. at about 20 knots.
So a ship must have picked them up.Copy !req
326. But I've never even heard of Pangu.Copy !req
327. Is there a naval base there or?
Not exactly. It's more of a, uh...Copy !req
328. Pirate fortress.Copy !req
329. No, yeah, I just wanted to make sure
you said the phrase "pirate fortress."Copy !req
330. Which apparently, yes, you did say
the word "pirate," followed by the word...Copy !req
331. "Fortress." That is the word.
My English so crap.Copy !req
332. I bet you just need more practice.
Try this: Jerkins, you're a douche bag.Copy !req
333. Funny stuff.
Jerkins, you douche bag.Copy !req
334. Well, keep at it. Oh, and, hey,
did we cross the international date line?Copy !req
335. Because I can change the date for you
on that Omicron Spacemaster.Copy !req
336. Yeah, okay, damn guy.Copy !req
337. Yeah, I mean, you wouldn't want
to be walking around like a dickhead...Copy !req
338. with the wrong date
on your Omicron Spymaster.Copy !req
339. What the hell, damn guy?Copy !req
340. It's the Omicron Spymaster.Copy !req
341. Which is why it's got knockout gas
and a garrote and I think even a laser.Copy !req
342. And, Riley, do I have to kill everyone myself?
Huh? Oh.Copy !req
343. Oh, shit.Copy !req
344. Seriously, what the hell, Riley?
I didn't know you were making a move.Copy !req
345. Um, dickhead?
Takes one to know one.Copy !req
346. No, "dickhead" was the go word.
How was I supposed to know?Copy !req
347. Sorry, I forgot to tell you the go word was...Copy !req
348. Douche bag.
What?Copy !req
349. I kill you.Copy !req
350. But even still, Riley, you gotta be quicker.Copy !req
351. I know you're pretty old...
Now that I know the go word...Copy !req
352. No, idiot, it changes every time.
What is it now?Copy !req
353. Pirates!
That's kind of confusing since we're on a...Copy !req
354. Ow! Come on, that was right in my fricking ear.
Sorry, I know that hurts.Copy !req
355. Hey, come on.
Happens to me kind of a lot.Copy !req
356. Ow!
I actually have, like, mild tinnitus now.Copy !req
357. I mean, it's gotten to where
I had to start sleeping with a fan on.Copy !req
358. Oh, my God.
Yeah, otherwise it's like:Copy !req
359. No, you just killed, like, 10 pirates.Copy !req
360. Wow, if the 5-year-old me knew that,
he would get a huge boner.Copy !req
361. No idea why I said that.Copy !req
362. Once these idiots figure out they can turn those
cannons on the wheelhouse, we're gonna be...Copy !req
363. Kind of confused.
What are they doing?Copy !req
364. Looks like they're surrendering.
Why?Copy !req
365. All they have to do...
Who cares why?Copy !req
366. I do. What if this is a ruse?
It's not a ruse.Copy !req
367. Say something
before they change their minds.Copy !req
368. Do they speak English?Copy !req
369. Hello, pirates.Copy !req
370. Who speaks English?
Let me see some hands.Copy !req
371. Wow. Way more than I thought.Copy !req
372. Excuse me? Sorry, hi, I'm Noah.Copy !req
373. What are you, the first mate, or...?
Oh, God. Oh, well, thanks.Copy !req
374. No, I'm a bajak budak.
Okay.Copy !req
375. It's sort of a... I guess the nearest translation
is "slave-pirate"?Copy !req
376. Do you speak English?
I do. Yes.Copy !req
377. They don't, though.
They're just surrendering the ship to you.Copy !req
378. And the fort.
Why?Copy !req
379. You're the new captain.
The what?Copy !req
380. If you kill the old captain,
you become the new captain.Copy !req
381. You don't think of pirates
as having a lot of rules...Copy !req
382. but they do and that's a big one.Copy !req
383. Well, uh, tell them hands down.Copy !req
384. Holy shit. Did you just see that?Copy !req
385. No, I'm too busy looking at that.Copy !req
386. What is...? What am I seeing?Copy !req
387. Oh, the women always throw
a huge feast when we return to port.Copy !req
388. Should I tell them to cancel it, or?
Huh? Uh... Uh...Copy !req
389. No. No, we're totally feasting. Say that.Copy !req
390. Nice plan. Once they're good and drunk,
we'll turn this tub around and head home.Copy !req
391. Home? Riley, I am home.Copy !req
392. What? Over my dead body
you're running away to be a pirate.Copy !req
393. Of course I'm not gonna be a pirate.Copy !req
394. I'm gonna be a pirate king.Copy !req