1. Come on, Cyril, beat it. Get out of here.Copy !req
2. This meeting is for field agents only.Copy !req
3. Which brings me to item one.Copy !req
4. We don't have enough field agents
to effectively run our covert operations...Copy !req
5. especially since this one went
and got himself paralyzed.Copy !req
6. Yeah, that's me, Mr. Selfish.Copy !req
7. More like "Ms."Copy !req
8. Anyway, effective immediately,
I'm promoting Cyril to field agent.Copy !req
9. What?
That sounds great. Best of luck.Copy !req
10. Where are you going?Copy !req
11. Sorry, I gotta get back to Earth
before the Stargate closes.Copy !req
12. Get back in here.Copy !req
13. Mother, the chevrons are locking.Copy !req
14. And Cyril is utterly, laughably
unqualified to be a field agent.Copy !req
15. Some offense.
Uh, some taken.Copy !req
16. None of you were qualified
when you first started.Copy !req
17. And you've already given Cyril
some training.Copy !req
18. Which ended with a dead hooker
in my trunk.Copy !req
19. No, it didn't.
It easily could have.Copy !req
20. Malory,
you can't just...Copy !req
21. End of discussion. And since
this meeting is for field agents only...Copy !req
22. You're taking me out of the field?Copy !req
23. Well, unless we need someone
to go undercover as a shopping cart.Copy !req
24. This is Román Calzado,
the notorious Colombian drug lord.Copy !req
25. And hopefully an infusion
of much-needed capital.Copy !req
26. Since when are we
bounty hunters?Copy !req
27. Since the DEA's budget was gutted by
all those federal spending cutbacks.Copy !req
28. Which is ridiculous,
given the current economy.Copy !req
29. The most efficient way
to decrease the budget deficit...Copy !req
30. is to increase tax revenue, through, um...Copy !req
31. Cyril, don't make me
regret this decision.Copy !req
32. Sorry.
And if you were in my tax bracket...Copy !req
33. you wouldn't be spouting that
socialist propaganda.Copy !req
34. Or wearing such shitty clothes.
Or doing such shitty missions.Copy !req
35. What are you talking about?
The reward is a million dollars!Copy !req
36. Exactly, and how many drug users
could be treated with that money?Copy !req
37. Who cares?
Seriously?Copy !req
38. They'd just go buy a million
dollars' worth of crack with it.Copy !req
39. You don't give them the money.
You can't. They'll blow it on crack.Copy !req
40. Oh, my God.
No, they won't...Copy !req
41. because it'll be
in the ISIS bank account.Copy !req
42. Because you're going to get Calzado,
dead or alive.Copy !req
43. Cyril, dress appropriately.
You'll be helicoptering into the jungle.Copy !req
44. Cool.
Oh, and this whole thing reminds me.Copy !req
45. Pam, 9 a.m. Friday morning,
all ISIS employees will take a drug test.Copy !req
46. Okay.Copy !req
47. And knock off that damn beatboxing!Copy !req
48. Transform.Copy !req
49. Ugh.Copy !req
50. Last week it was freestyling.Copy !req
51. Yes, this LZ, you dumb-ass.Copy !req
52. Where we are right now, in 24 hours.
And you better be here!Copy !req
53. What a dick.Copy !req
54. Well, he's probably
just under a lot of stress...Copy !req
55. since he's our only way out
of this stupid jungle, dumb-ass.Copy !req
56. Seriously.
Thanks, ghost of Teddy Roosevelt.Copy !req
57. Ms. Archer said dress
for the tropics.Copy !req
58. Um, tropics or Busch Gardens?Copy !req
59. Hey, you know what?
Yes.Copy !req
60. Uh, Heckle, Jeckle, between us
and Calzado's fortified compound...Copy !req
61. there's about 10 klicks ofjungle that I just
assume is one giant booby-trap showroom.Copy !req
62. So shut your dickholes, get your gear,
shut up again, and start walking.Copy !req
63. Any questions?Copy !req
64. Cyril.Copy !req
65. What's a "klick"?
Ugh.Copy !req
66. You say that all the time. I never
know what you're talking about.Copy !req
67. I'm assuming it's a sound of some sort.
Nuh-uh!Copy !req
68. Swear to God, first thing Friday
morning, we all gotta pee in a cup.Copy !req
69. Which I can't even do, y'all.Copy !req
70. Cleaning out my freezer last week,
I found a big bag of skank.Copy !req
71. I guess I brought it back
from Jamaica, but...Copy !req
72. But it's just a pot test, right?Copy !req
73. No, stupid. All drugs.Copy !req
74. Oh, shit.Copy !req
75. I call them groovy bears.Copy !req
76. How about you, Ironside?
You rolling dirty?Copy !req
77. Um...Copy !req
78. Possibly.
Well, then we're all screwed.Copy !req
79. Talking about the drug test, huh?
Duh.Copy !req
80. Well, what if I told you I had a way
to beat any drug test in the world?Copy !req
81. Are you telling us that?Copy !req
82. Yes.
Well? What is it?Copy !req
83. I call it Krieger-Kleanse.
It's an herbal tea, all-natural...Copy !req
84. and it's guaranteed to rid your body
of all traces of any illicit substance.Copy !req
85. Well, here. Give me, give me, give it!
Ah, ah, ah.Copy !req
86. I literally... Figuratively scoured the globe
for these special herbs...Copy !req
87. at no small expense to myself.Copy !req
88. Ugh! How much?
Hundred bucks each.Copy !req
89. Oh, come on!
That's more than the drugs!Copy !req
90. Or you can save your money
and try your luck in the current job market.Copy !req
91. Non-sequential bills,
please.Copy !req
92. Well, then why not just say "kilometer"?Copy !req
93. Because shut up.
Oh, jungle zing.Copy !req
94. So it says here that Calzado isn't even
the head of the whole operation.Copy !req
95. Cyril.
He's actually just a distributor...Copy !req
96. for somebody named "La Sombra."
La sombra. The Shade?Copy !req
97. Cyril.
No, I bet in this context, the "Shadow."Copy !req
98. Cyril!
Ooh! Hey, what's your problem?Copy !req
99. My problem is I don't want a thousand
steel balls to shred my genitals.Copy !req
100. Huh?
Claymore mine full of steel balls...Copy !req
101. that fly 1000 meters,
or one klick, a second...Copy !req
102. right at dick level.
Jeezy Petes.Copy !req
103. Or ass level, which in your case
would also take off your head.Copy !req
104. So quit reading and pay attention.
But there's a lot of useful stuff in here.Copy !req
105. Organizational charts, inventory
and cash-flow analyses, spreadsheets.Copy !req
106. Of what, possible outcomes
with a 20-sided die?Copy !req
107. You don't need a spreadsheet
for that.Copy !req
108. And you don't need one to know
you'll suck at being a field agent.Copy !req
109. So why do you wanna be one?Copy !req
110. Oh. I don't know, I just wanna feel like
I'm a part of the team, you know?Copy !req
111. I guess I wanna feel like I matter more.Copy !req
112. Wow, not afraid to dump out
your purse in the jungle, huh?Copy !req
113. In a potentially hostile environment like this,
the key is total situational awareness.Copy !req
114. Okay.
You look, you listen, you smell...Copy !req
115. and you remember to check your 6.Copy !req
116. My six what? Is that my gun?
The old six-shooter?Copy !req
117. Oh, my God. O'clock, Cyril.
It means behind you.Copy !req
118. Because the last thing you want is...
Lana, hold up a sec.Copy !req
119. Ah. Archer, we don't have...Copy !req
120. Cyril?
Yeah, that's why I said hold up.Copy !req
121. Archer!
Don't yell at me.Copy !req
122. I looked away for literally one second.Copy !req
123. Well, where the hell did he go?
I don't know, it's like he just...Copy !req
124. You're looking for Predator, aren't you?Copy !req
125. Yes.
Oh. Couple things. A, he's invisible.Copy !req
126. Not totally. He has a telltale shimmer.Copy !req
127. Ow!
And B, lower your freaking voice.Copy !req
128. Is that Cyril?Copy !req
129. Mm, no, it's not whimpery enough.Copy !req
130. Cyril. Cyril.Copy !req
131. Oh. Goddamn it.
Well, look on the bright side.Copy !req
132. Which is?Copy !req
133. Which is what?
What's the bright side?Copy !req
134. Oh. It's a figure of speech.Copy !req
135. All I'm saying is there's a million green
rectangle-y reasons to complete the mission...Copy !req
136. and zero reasons not to.Copy !req
137. You mean besides Cyril getting captured?
Besides that.Copy !req
138. And if Calzado's men got Cyril,
we'll rescue him when we get Calzado.Copy !req
139. Problemo solved-o.Copy !req
140. What if it was FARC? Or the ELN?Copy !req
141. We'll use some of the million-dollar
reward to pay his ransom.Copy !req
142. So shut up, Cyril's gonna be fine.Copy !req
143. Unless a tiger ate him.
Tigers don't live in South America.Copy !req
144. Well, at least one does, because
I just heard its spine-tingling roar.Copy !req
145. That was a jaguar, dumb-ass.Copy !req
146. Thanks, Marlin Perkins.
I think I know a tiger when I hear one!Copy !req
147. Every time. Your big, fat mouth
gets us caught every time.Copy !req
148. Not every time.
Like a third of the time.Copy !req
149. And 1000 bucks that's a tiger, Lana.Copy !req
150. If this doesn't work,
we just paid a hundred bucks for liquid fart.Copy !req
151. Yeah, well,
here's shit in your eye.Copy !req
152. Oh, God, it tastes worse
than it smells.Copy !req
153. Man, if I had a nickel for every time
I heard a guy say that...Copy !req
154. I'd have eight nickels.Copy !req
155. Archer, I swear to God, if you don't shut up...Copy !req
156. I'm just saying, if it comes down to that...
And I hope it doesn't.Copy !req
157. - There's no sense
in us both getting raped.Copy !req
158. Our special guests
must not be injured in any way.Copy !req
159. Uh, does that include
rape-related injury?Copy !req
160. Of course. No one is going to
rape you. What is wrong with you?Copy !req
161. We're scared. We're just tourists.
Our car broke down, so...Copy !req
162. So the assault weapons and plastic
explosives, why do you have these?Copy !req
163. Okay, yes, let me explain.
Busted. We're arms dealers.Copy !req
164. No, heh-heh, I think not.Copy !req
165. I think you are hunting Román Calzado
in the hopes of a million-dollar reward.Copy !req
166. Okay, yes, busted again, but I think now
we're kind of rethinking that, so...Copy !req
167. So if I give you 2 million, will you go away
and say you never found me?Copy !req
168. I... Oh, my God, totally, yes!Copy !req
169. Then we give Mother a million
and you and I split the other million.Copy !req
170. Uh, Calzado,
you've got yourself a deal.Copy !req
171. Excellent.
But of course I was joking.Copy !req
172. But...
Obviously, I cannot allow you to live.Copy !req
173. No! Yes, you can.Copy !req
174. Or choose not to, whatever.Copy !req
175. Besides, throwing money away like that
would displease El Contador.Copy !req
176. El contador? Doesn't that mean...?
The accountant, sí.Copy !req
177. Cyril? Oof! Unh!Copy !req
178. No, he said, uh, "cereal."Copy !req
179. And people in hell want ice water.Copy !req
180. Oh, my God! I'm gonna die in a toilet stall,
just like the gypsy said.Copy !req
181. Damn that Krieger. Nazi-clone bastard.
Ah.Copy !req
182. Well, we don't know it was the the...
Aah!Copy !req
183. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
184. I'm your friend, Pam, I'm... Pam?Copy !req
185. You're not my friend. You're a Decepticon.
Aah!Copy !req
186. How are you both still alive?Copy !req
187. The floor is lava! The floor is lava!Copy !req
188. Clinical trial 13. Subjects' responses
are exceeding expectations.Copy !req
189. Pam, you're melting! You're melting!Copy !req
190. Because the floor is lava!Copy !req
191. Must kill Decepticon!Copy !req
192. Call Terry.Copy !req
193. The tiger says...Copy !req
194. The tiger also says
you owe me $1000, so...Copy !req
195. No, I don't, because I didn't bet.Copy !req
196. Bloop! The welsher says...
Psst!Copy !req
197. No, that's a snake.Copy !req
198. Oh, boy, am I glad
to see you guys.Copy !req
199. Cyril, what the hell is going on?
Are you a drug dealer now?Copy !req
200. What? No. You guys aren't gonna
believe what happened.Copy !req
201. I had, um, gastric distress, or whatever,
so I was just gonna duck off the trail.Copy !req
202. You remember to check your 6.
My six what?Copy !req
203. Before I knew what was happening...Copy !req
204. Unh! Oh, man, right in my new pants.Copy !req
205. And I only had a second to answer,
so I thought, "What would Lana do?"Copy !req
206. Um, not Archer?
No, I had to outsmart them.Copy !req
207. He said, suddenly too big
for his shit-caked britches.Copy !req
208. Archer.
And then it came to me.Copy !req
209. What's a "La Sombra"?Copy !req
210. Calzado's boss.
Don't you remember the dossier?Copy !req
211. No.
Yes. But what about the gunshot?Copy !req
212. Then they brought me here.
I bluffed my way through the rest.Copy !req
213. La Sombra did not say you were coming.Copy !req
214. I assume he did not
want to give you the time to cook your books.Copy !req
215. Oh, I... I swear I don't do that.Copy !req
216. Well, then you are a fool.Copy !req
217. You pay La Sombra 64 cents
on every dollar you make, no?Copy !req
218. I can get that down to 30 cents,
and he will never even know.Copy !req
219. You just leave that to me, amigo.Copy !req
220. Wait, what's in this for you?Copy !req
221. We split the difference, of course.Copy !req
222. But first I need some clean clothes.
This is not mud all over my pants.Copy !req
223. It's caca.Copy !req
224. Holy shit, Cyril.
Heh. Literally.Copy !req
225. I kind of wish
I'd skipped the diarrhea part.Copy !req
226. No, forget that, you did great!
Really?Copy !req
227. It figuratively kills me to say this, Cyril,
but yeah, you did.Copy !req
228. So now what?
What's the plan?Copy !req
229. Oh. Well, I was hoping you guys
could come up with something.Copy !req
230. And ideally before tomorrow at dawn.Copy !req
231. Why, what's...?
What is going on here?Copy !req
232. Ha, ha. Amigo, I was just mocking...Copy !req
233. this giant Negress
and her sissy sidekick.Copy !req
234. Heh-heh-heh.
Yes, they are ridiculous, no?Copy !req
235. Are the accommodations to your liking?
Honestly?Copy !req
236. No. You shouldn't even keep animals
in these conditions. Look at them.Copy !req
237. Cement floors, steel bars, no room
to run around, nothing to play with...Copy !req
238. Ah. I think perhaps you are confusing
this with a zoo.Copy !req
239. I think maybe it's all
these exotic animals.Copy !req
240. Yes, exotic animals for me to hunt.Copy !req
241. You hunt them? How can you do that?
Like this.Copy !req
242. Goddamn, dude!Copy !req
243. But you see, even the majestic Bengal tiger
is too easy to kill. It's boring...Copy !req
244. which is why tomorrow, at dawn, I will be
hunting the most dangerous game in the world.Copy !req
245. Jai alai?
Us!Copy !req
246. What?
Sí, so sleep well, amigos.Copy !req
247. I want you rested and
strong for tomorrow.Copy !req
248. So yeah, try to think of a plan.Copy !req
249. Well, go ahead and say it.
Say what?Copy !req
250. Since we're gonna die in the morning,
we should have sex now.Copy !req
251. After seeing a tiger
get murdered, Lana?Copy !req
252. No offense,
but I'm not really in the mood.Copy !req
253. If you want,
I can watch while you masturbate.Copy !req
254. But I can tell you right now,
my heart won't be in it.Copy !req
255. It'll be with that tiger's family.Copy !req
256. But go ahead. I mean, start.Copy !req
257. And so begins the hunt
for the most dangerous game!Copy !req
258. So, what are the rules here, exactly?
Ah. Lana, be still.Copy !req
259. You get a 30-minute head start.Copy !req
260. Then El Contador and I, just us alone,
will track you and kill you.Copy !req
261. Uh... Oh! Can they split up?Copy !req
262. Uh, sure, why not.Copy !req
263. Then I propose a friendly wager.Copy !req
264. We each hunt one of them, and the first
to kill his quarry is the winner.Copy !req
265. I like this idea, but, uh, which...?Copy !req
266. I get the woman. Called it! Boom!Copy !req
267. Uh... All right, since you called it.Copy !req
268. Okay, let's hunt some humans.Copy !req
269. Go, go, go!Copy !req
270. Are you really that selfish?
Apparently!Copy !req
271. Clinical trial 13, update.Copy !req
272. As hypothesized,
after mind-shredding hallucinations...Copy !req
273. subjects B and C have
lapsed into deep unconsciousness.Copy !req
274. Subject A, however, remains at large.Copy !req
275. Begin clinical trial 14.Copy !req
276. Lana? Lana?Copy !req
277. Where the heck is sh...?Copy !req
278. Don't scream, it's me.Copy !req
279. Oh, thank God.
I thought those were yeti hands.Copy !req
280. Never gets old. But good idea back there,
getting everybody to split up.Copy !req
281. Thanks. Yeah, I figured you'd know
to head back to the, uh, LZ thingy...Copy !req
282. Which we only have an hour to get to, so...
And I figured once I found you...Copy !req
283. we'd work together to rescue Archer,
capture Calzado and escape.Copy !req
284. You know, you don't actually suck at this.
Really?Copy !req
285. You're thinking tactically, making quick
decisions, and I gotta tell you...Copy !req
286. confidence is pretty damn sexy.
Really?Copy !req
287. Theoretically.
Sorry.Copy !req
288. Okay, you're doing pretty well so far,
so, what's the plan, rookie?Copy !req
289. And sooner would be better than later.Copy !req
290. Calzado is on a three-wheeler.
Can you believe that guy?Copy !req
291. Who, the drug lord
who hunts humans for sport?Copy !req
292. I know, but that's just lame.
Cyril.Copy !req
293. Uh, okay. We have to assume Archer's
heading back to the LZ too...Copy !req
294. but he can't possibly outrun Calzado.
Yeah, neither can we, so...Copy !req
295. We don't need to outrun him,
just Archer.Copy !req
296. What?
Come on.Copy !req
297. Ow! Oh, eat a dick, jungle!Copy !req
298. Cover it with malaria and leeches,
sprinkle some dengue fever on it...Copy !req
299. and eat a big goddamn jungly dick!Copy !req
300. Yeah, you do that...Copy !req
301. and I'll just wait here for a bask of Orinoco
crocodiles to wander by and eat me.Copy !req
302. Oh, great, that's probably them now...Copy !req
303. tearing around on
specially-equipped croc-choppers.Copy !req
304. Wait, what the?Copy !req
305. Oh. Oh, Goddess of the Jungle,
I take it all back.Copy !req
306. For when I was thirsty,
you saw fit to slake my...Copy !req
307. Goddess of the Jungle,
you are a whore.Copy !req
308. Oh, thank God,
I thought you were crocodiles.Copy !req
309. Ha, ha. Crocodiles?
On a three-wheeler?Copy !req
310. Right? How scary would that be?Copy !req
311. Probably not as scary as knowing that
I'm going to cut you down from there...Copy !req
312. and then gut you like a fish.Copy !req
313. Well, then you're obviously an idiot
when it comes to crocodiles...Copy !req
314. a.k.a. The world's most deadliest predators.Copy !req
315. I am the world's deadliest predator.Copy !req
316. Or are you?Copy !req
317. Cyril?
No breakfast for you.Copy !req
318. No, that's my name, Calzado.
Cyril Figgis, ISIS agent.Copy !req
319. ISIS?
That's right.Copy !req
320. And you're under arrest,
albeit extra-judicially.Copy !req
321. Over my dead body.Copy !req
322. Well, that can be arranged.
Lana?Copy !req
323. Hello.Copy !req
324. Wait a minute, was I just bait?Copy !req
325. That's right, Archer.
All part of my brilliant plan.Copy !req
326. Lana, get some vines
and tie him up, chop-chop.Copy !req
327. "Chop-chop"?
Here we go.Copy !req
328. Uh, yeah, it means hurry? Come on,
we got a chopper to catch. Tie him up.Copy !req
329. You do it.Copy !req
330. Okay, I see what you're doing here.
Hands behind your back, Calzado.Copy !req
331. Make me, cabrón.
I... Look, she will shoot you.Copy !req
332. No, I won't.
No, no, she won't.Copy !req
333. Come on, Cyril, go all rogue on him.Copy !req
334. Guys, come on, this is ridic...Copy !req
335. I think I'm gonna be...Copy !req
336. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna be sick.Copy !req
337. Here, maybe this will help.Copy !req
338. My eyes! Ow!Copy !req
339. Ooh. Probably shouldn't have done that.
Not enough left to get drunk on.Copy !req
340. And now, bastardo, I kill you!Copy !req
341. Oh! Lana!Copy !req
342. Aah! What the hell? Damn guy.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.Copy !req
343. You're welcome, Cyril.
So learn any valuable lessons today?Copy !req
344. Yes, I did.
Me too.Copy !req
345. I learned I don't like being bait.Copy !req
346. Ow!
Sorry, Cyril, did that hurt?Copy !req
347. Cyril.Copy !req
348. Cyril!
Yes, it freaking hurt!Copy !req
349. Yeah, right?Copy !req
350. What? Yes, obviously I heard what you said.Copy !req
351. I just can't believe the head of the DEA
has the balls to say it.Copy !req
352. Oh, is that a fact?Copy !req
353. Oh, it is.Copy !req
354. Hmm. Yep.Copy !req
355. So, um, how'd that go?Copy !req
356. Oh, fine. He was just explaining to me...Copy !req
357. why ISIS won't be receiving
any reward for capturing Calzado.Copy !req
358. What?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
359. Because apparently
there's no proof that we did.Copy !req
360. We literally handed Calzado to them.Copy !req
361. And in return, did they hand you
a signed receipt for the prisoner?Copy !req
362. No, they...Copy !req
363. Oh.
Oh, shit.Copy !req
364. Mm. So well done.Copy !req
365. Because that's exactly the brand of
unparalleled professional excellence...Copy !req
366. that I've come to expect at ISIS.
No, no, no!Copy !req
367. What? Pam?
I wish I was still blind.Copy !req
368. You'll never take me alive!Copy !req
369. What was I saying?
Oh, yes, unparalleled...Copy !req
370. Pam!Copy !req
371. For the love of God, seal the exits!Copy !req
372. - Professional...Copy !req
373. That's our pee, and that's the last
I better hear about it...Copy !req
374. because this stupid building is a tinderbox
and I will burn it to the ground.Copy !req
375. - Excellence.Copy !req
376. Oh, hey, speaking of excellent,
did you hear we met a tiger?Copy !req
377. But he got murdered.Copy !req