1. - Archer, do something.
- Sure thing, Lana.
Copy !req
2. Oh, wait, I can't, because I left my
lightsaber in my other space pants!
Copy !req
3. Don't yell at me, this was your idea!
What?
Copy !req
4. Remind me, when was it
that I said, "Guys, great idea.
Copy !req
5. Let's get shanghaied
to go live on fricking Mars!"
Copy !req
6. Keep moving.
Make me... Ow!
Copy !req
7. Heh, heh. He said "meow."
Copy !req
8. Moving. Yes, and how can I help you
not ever do that again, please?
Copy !req
9. Get in there.
In here sounds great.
Copy !req
10. Are the cuffs really necessary?
Copy !req
11. Archer broke both of Wu's arms.
Copy !req
12. He what?
While shouting "whoo!"
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13. Happy coincidence.
Copy !req
14. Mr. Archer, do I have to sedate you?
Well, I wouldn't say no to a drink.
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15. Archer.
What, you want one?
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16. Okay, can we get two, um...
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17. My tongue says sangrita,
but my heart says...
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18. Archer.
michelada.
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19. You realize this is kidnapping.
I do, yes.
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20. And do you realize you're insane?
He wouldn't, by definition...
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21. What's more insane? Suffering through
famine, war, disease on a dying Earth...
Copy !req
22. or creating a utopia on Mars?
Copy !req
23. Using me as
your brood sow?
Copy !req
24. No, not...
Well, okay, yes, technically.
Copy !req
25. But we searched for so long to find
the perfect human female specimen.
Copy !req
26. Well, that's
flattering-ish.
Copy !req
27. And with your morphology,
your IQ, your medical history...
Copy !req
28. How'd you get
my medical records?
Copy !req
29. Don't judge me on the how,
until you see the why.
Copy !req
30. Oh, Krieger-san!
I never judge you!
Copy !req
31. Well, your mother
sure as hell does!
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32. How isn't important.
What is important...
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33. Is you hired ISIS just so Lana could
pump out a bunch of Martian babies?
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34. Only if by "Martian" you mean "born on Mars,"
not actual alien life forms.
Copy !req
35. Oh. Whatever. Either way.
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36. My point is this whole thing is Lana's fault...
What?
Copy !req
37. and you don't need more dudes on Mars...
Archer!
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38. Lana, the penis-to-your-vagina ratio
around here is creepy enough already...
Copy !req
39. so why not let us three go...
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40. I'm afraid that's impossible.
Or just me.
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41. Because even if we didn't need
all the manpower we can get...
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42. there's no ship
to take you back to Earth.
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43. Yeah, no, the shuttle, it's...
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44. It's going to push the Horizon
into orbit above Mars...
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45. to serve as our base
while we begin the terraforming.
Copy !req
46. Which reminds me.
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47. Commander Kellogg, there are
three women on the Intrepid.
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48. Take a boarding party and bring them
back here to join their friends.
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49. Holy shit-space!
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50. Hey, guys, we got a problem!
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51. Duh. The party's starting, and this
dress makes me look like a whore!
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52. Oh, you don't look
like a whore.
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53. An idiot, maybe.
Wha...?
Copy !req
54. Or both.
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55. Yes, a "whordiot."
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56. Agent Kane, I...
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57. May I call you Lana?
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58. You absolutely may not.
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59. Fair enough,
but I wish you'd reconsider.
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60. You'd be much more
comfortable in my quarters.
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61. Ha! You'll have to sedate me.
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62. No, no, no, we wouldn't do that.
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63. We need you in peak physical condition
for this great undertaking of ours.
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64. All of you.
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65. So wait, are we not doing drinks?
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66. Ha! I'm not helping you terraform Mars.
I won't move one cup of dirt.
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67. Can we at least have beers?
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68. Then you can join the, um...
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69. Well, we're calling them
"involuntary laborers."
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70. Invol... Wait, you mean slaves?
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71. Oh, now he's indignant.
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72. Please, all you have to do
is sit around all day getting laid.
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73. Involuntary labor is just
a temporary measure.
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74. In a few generations,
after the colony is established...
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75. we'll revisit the issue.
In the meantime...
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76. You can kiss three-fifths of my ass.
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77. Uh, Tony, we've got a problem.
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78. Ugh. What now?
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79. I'm on my way.
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80. And the black guy
is okay with this?
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81. Ugh.
What? Oh, for... How was that racist?
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82. It's just a temporary measure.
I didn't say anything.
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83. Hello, uh, miss?
This is Commander Kellogg.
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84. I need you to move the locking lever
from "manual" to "auto."
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85. "Auto." Got it. Moving the lever.
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86. Uh, clunk. Did that do it?
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87. Did you move the...?
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88. Boring conversation anyway.
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89. What the hell are you doing?
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90. These nutsacks wanna take us
to Mars to be baby factories.
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91. Really?
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92. I can't go live on Mars.
I just rented a summer house.
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93. Really?
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94. No.
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95. Oh, whatever. Come on,
we gotta figure a way out of this.
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96. Or do we?
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97. - Yes.
- No!
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98. Why is nobody else wearing
a T-shirt under their suit?
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99. Because this thing feels amazing.
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100. I know, right?
It's like a vagina with a zipper.
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101. Ew.
Lana, trust me, this is the only way.
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102. Ugh. All right. But turn around.
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103. "Turn around"? It's not like
we haven't all seen them before.
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104. Don't remind me.
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105. Okay, there.
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106. Although, I guess it has been a long time.
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107. Meaning?
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108. Nothing, just bet you're glad
we're in reduced gravity.
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109. Well, I didn't invent the ravages of time.
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110. Okay, Ray, Cyril, get ready.
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111. Lana, uh, pretend it's five years ago.
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112. I wish it was, so I could murder you
before we ever dated.
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113. Uh, excuse me, could I borrow you?
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114. No, you cannot borrow... Oh, my God!
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115. Yeah, right?
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116. Okay, what seems to be the...?
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117. Aah! My eye!
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118. Somebody get his goddamn gun!
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119. - Oh, for the love of...!
- Ow! You dick!
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120. Ow! My other eye!
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121. I'm almost certainly blind.
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122. Serves you right. Anybody else hit?
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123. No, I'm good.
Yeah, uh, me too.
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124. That's because you hid, Cyril.
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125. Otherwise, I think that all
went pretty great.
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126. - Right?
- Really?
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127. Heh, heh. Do you not?
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128. "Do you not?"
Just give me the damn...
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129. T-shirt.
Sorry, it's been commandeered.
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130. What the hell am I supposed to wear?
Uh... Oh, maybe this will work.
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131. Yeah, I think that totally works.
Stole them from the gift shop.
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132. If you're done being an asshole,
help me strip this guy so I can...
Copy !req
133. - What the...?
- Security breach, Pod 6.
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134. We gotta move! Come on!
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135. Lana, let's go!
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136. Wait! Let me just get... Damn it!
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137. Ow.
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138. Well, now they're droopier.
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139. Aw.
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140. Security breach, Pod 6.
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141. No, no, no, now what?
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142. Security breach, Pod 6.
I heard you.
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143. I don't care if you have to use
the plasma torch, get this door open.
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144. Security team, this is Commander Drake.
Converge on Pod 6.
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145. You heard him,
get this door open.
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146. Sure thing, boss man.
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147. Oh, my God, for the last time...
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148. We can't...
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149. fight them off.
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150. That's what Dad said when the bank man
came out to foreclose on the farm.
Copy !req
151. And guess how that turned out.
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152. You murdered a banker?
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153. No, we got a loan modification.
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154. You think a bank wants to own a failing
dairy farm with obsolete milkers?
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155. Oh, my God, speaking of...
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156. They're right where they've always been.
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157. Wait, can she hear us?
Man, I hope not.
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158. Lana.
Guess not.
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159. Will you come on?
Grr!
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160. Don't get me wrong.
I'd still do her.
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161. Oh, please, you'd do...
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162. Name a noun.
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163. No, you look.
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164. You look at these
and tell me they're not perfect!
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165. Now? Really?
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166. Jesus God, are you that insecure?
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167. No! I'm not! Because I am...
Ready!
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168. Oh, man.
Uh, thoughts?
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169. Through there! Go!
Uh, nope.
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170. Aim!
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171. Why not?
It's full of, ugh, garbage and shit.
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172. You got a better idea?
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173. Well, we could eat a big bowl
of hepatitises A through E.
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174. Or just run away.
Copy !req
175. Just because it was my idea, you...
Guys.
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176. Fire!
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177. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
178. What's taking so long?
Copy !req
179. Couple things.
Copy !req
180. One, I didn't invent whatever
this door is made of...
Copy !req
181. which is apparently some alloy
of adamantium and mithril.
Copy !req
182. And two,
not really liking your tone.
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183. Ugh, you idiots.
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184. Firing an ion cannon
at the future Mother of Mars?
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185. Whose idea was that?
Ahem. Dave's.
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186. Oh. Well, that's just great, Dave.
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187. Tell me, if you kill her, who's gonna
bear our Martian children? Huh? Trish?
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188. Ew.
Ew.
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189. Archer! Sorry, go on, Trish.
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190. We've been locked in here
ever since you idiots took over Horizon.
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191. Tone.
Yeah, sorry.
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192. But Drake wants to use the Intrepid
to push Horizon to Mars...
Copy !req
193. so tell us how we can stop him.
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194. Yeah, can Cyril die after shutting
down the tractor beam, or?
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195. Ugh! The Intrepid is the key to Drake's plan...
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196. and he and Kellogg are
the only ones who can fly it.
Copy !req
197. So why aren't
you A-holes down there?
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198. Heh, heh. Burn.
Cyril.
Copy !req
199. Although, good point, Trish.
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200. Okay, to the Intrepid. Let's go.
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201. Oh, and, Trish? Uh, with your looks,
maybe bitchy is not the way to go.
Copy !req
202. Okay, you're the prettiest! Come on!
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203. I thought I'd made myself very clear.
You did, but...
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204. Then why isn't the airlock open?
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205. Dwarven technology.
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206. What was that? What did you say?
Tony, stop.
Copy !req
207. See? Now we just wait for Mr. Archer
to save the day, like he always does.
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208. I don't know about always but...
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209. Are you sure they can't get in?
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210. Didn't you hear him? He said...
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211. Say "dwarven technology" again!
What the...?
Copy !req
212. Stop this at once.
We command you.
Copy !req
213. I'm sorry?
Unh.
Copy !req
214. Wait, we're sorry. Aren't you guys
looking for a new Martian queen?
Copy !req
215. Goddamn it.
Copy !req
216. Why, yes, and you're...?
Your Majesty.
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217. Your Majesty.
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218. And you're just so...
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219. What's the word
I'm looking for?
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220. Don't say "whordiot." We hate that.
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221. Majestic.
Right.
Copy !req
222. Now follow me. We got a big list
of must-haves for the royal palace.
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223. - Uh, your wish is my command.
- Duh.
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224. Seal the door behind me
and prepare Horizon for launch.
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225. Next stop, Mars.
Copy !req
226. Okay, you heard him.
Uh, I heard him tell you to do it.
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227. And I'm telling you to do it.
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228. And I'm telling you that I didn't
sign up for Animal Farm in space.
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229. Wait, there are animals?
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230. No, Animal Farm.
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231. How do you not get that?
Cyril, I know what an animal farm is.
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232. Not an animal farm.
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233. Maybe we can, I don't know,
stampede a flock of goats down the hall.
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234. Animal Farm is a book.
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235. No, it isn't, Lana.
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236. It's an allegorical novella
about Stalinism by George Orwell!
Copy !req
237. And spoiler alert, it sucks!
Copy !req
238. Although I was talking about
an actual animal farm.
Copy !req
239. So never mind.
Copy !req
240. Oh, don't mind me, ma'ams.
Copy !req
241. Just adjusting the climate control.
Copy !req
242. Ooh, yes.
Another palace must-have.
Copy !req
243. Now, we heard some
mention of babies?
Copy !req
244. Uh-huh.
But just to be clear, we don't do babies.
Copy !req
245. "Do" as in?
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246. "Do" as in tolerate, be around, touch...
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247. and as in let them claw
their monster-y way out of our vagina.
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248. Well, let's put a pin in that.
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249. Ew!
Copy !req
250. Wait, put a pin in what?
Copy !req
251. What? What is wrong with you?
And where are the other two...?
Copy !req
252. Right here, space-nuts.
Copy !req
253. Pamela, stop.
Your queen commands you.
Copy !req
254. Oh, please, you're not fit
to be queen of...
Copy !req
255. Name a place.
Lidsville.
Copy !req
256. And, Drake, you can forget all about
your crazy little Martian sex cult.
Copy !req
257. Ugh. It's not...
Copy !req
258. Don't you people get it?
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259. Earth is doomed.
Copy !req
260. Mankind's only hope for survival is
to find a new home on Mars...
Copy !req
261. and I am the only man alive
who can lead us there.
Copy !req
262. I am like, uh...
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263. Jesus Christ.
Copy !req
264. Well, I think a more apt analogy
would be Moses, but...
Copy !req
265. Drop your weapon.
Make me.
Copy !req
266. No, don't make her.
Come on, Pam.
Copy !req
267. Pam, shoot!
Copy !req
268. Mother!
Malory!
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269. - Pam!
- And she'll do it too.
Copy !req
270. She'll do anything to keep us
from the throne which is our birthright.
Copy !req
271. Ew, birth.
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272. All right!
No, no, no. What are you doing?
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273. No, no! No, even if they kill me,
they can never kill our dream.
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274. Mars!
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275. Uh, hang on, sorry, one sec.
Copy !req
276. Drones? You wanna?
Thank you, thank you.
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277. Thanks a lot. Thank you.
Copy !req
278. There is no Mars without you,
Tony. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
279. Sorry? You're sorry?
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280. You just single-handedly doomed mankind!
Copy !req
281. Even so, black astronaut, that's pretty huge.
It actually is.
Copy !req
282. And at least your own mother didn't
just play chicken with your life!
Copy !req
283. Heh, heh. Self-burn.
Cyril!
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284. Drake, you're gonna fly us back to Earth
to stand trial for, whatever, space piracy.
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285. No man can judge me.
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286. Well, you say that, but...
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287. Mars forever!
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288. Suppressing fire!
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289. Cyril, stop!
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290. I think I got them. Did I get them?
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291. You did. You got those two guys,
who were just minding their own business.
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292. Ooh. And also the one remaining person
who could fly us back to Earth!
Copy !req
293. A black astronaut, Cyril.
That's like killing a unicorn.
Copy !req
294. Aw, crap-snacks!
How could this get...?
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295. Don't say it! Do not say it!
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296. Gone to outer space
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297. To shoot that dickbag in his face
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298. Hang on, Other Barry.
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299. Uh, this is Barry.
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300. Hey, pumpkin pie! What's that?
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301. No. No, I'm in, uh, London for wor...
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302. What?
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303. Heh, Katya, pumpkin, I promised
I'd stop trying to kill Archer.
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304. Yes. Yes, both Barrys promised.
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305. What? Wait, what's wrong
with the sofa we already have?
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306. Oh, hey, hon, you're breaking up.
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307. Any worse.
Is what I was gonna say.
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308. Really?
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309. Yes.
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310. Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
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311. Hello, is this airboats?
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312. Yeah, hi, it's me, Spacebot.
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313. What? Oh, just lifting a thousand pounds
like it's an apple, no big deal.
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314. Archer! Quit screwing around with the robot
and shut the damn airlock already!
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315. Five more minutes! God.
Copy !req
316. What's the hurry?
We're all gonna die up here anyway.
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317. We're gonna die!
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318. We're not gonna die!
Stop crying!
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319. For what it's worth, I think you
would've made a great Martian queen.
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320. Duh!
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321. Okay.
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322. Yeah. So, Trish?
What?
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323. Still with the tone.
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324. Okay, the airlock's closed. Happy?
Copy !req
325. So, seriously, none of you
know how to fly this thing?
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326. No. We're scientists. We never
even trained on the simulator.
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327. The simulator.
Guys, I can fly us home.
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328. I will fly us home.
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329. Wait, what is this?
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330. And that?
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331. But right now this?
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332. He was really good in the simulator.
Right up until he crashed it.
Copy !req
333. Thanks to you and your fire extinguisher.
Right?
Copy !req
334. Okay, then it's settled.
Copy !req
335. So, Trish,
Horizon is self-sustaining, right?
Copy !req
336. Duh.
Well, then, have fun.
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337. Wait, wait, wait!
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338. Uh... Never mind. I'm sure someone
is gonna feed the farm animals.
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339. Cyril, you're in command, try not to kill us.
Everybody else, strap in.
Copy !req
340. Really?
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341. I said in, not on.
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342. Oh.
And ew.
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343. And... Malory!
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344. I'm going into stasis.
Wake me up when we're on the ground.
Copy !req
345. Preferably above 72nd Street.
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346. What is that? Who's got beer?
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347. Archer!
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348. Come out to play.
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349. Barry?
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350. Come on out, Archer.
I mean, I'd come in, but...
Copy !req
351. Yeah. Who built this door,
space dwarves?
Copy !req
352. Okay, Barry. Forgetting for the moment
how you found me here...
Copy !req
353. Krieger-san!
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354. You wanna finish this?
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355. Yeah, I do. Yeah. That's why I'm here.
Copy !req
356. Not for long, you're not.
Copy !req
357. Where do you think you're going?
Uh, this place called to kill Barry.
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358. Every time y'all fight he beats you like
the redheaded stepchild of a rented mule.
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359. No, he doesn't.
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360. - Yeah, both head and ass.
- Pounds you like meat.
Copy !req
361. Look, look, look. Hang on, hang on.
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362. There we go.
Look, check this out.
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363. Look. Yeah.
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364. Oh.
You can wear this.
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365. My God.
I know. Right?
Copy !req
366. Evil Cyborg versus Spacebot. Love it.
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367. This is gonna be...
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368. And I hate this word, Barry,
but this is gonna be epic!
Copy !req
369. - I'll be right...
- He can't get in here.
Copy !req
370. So the only reason
to go out there is your ego.
Copy !req
371. Not just my ego, Lana,
Spacebot's ego.
Copy !req
372. And a giant ass-whipping.
Copy !req
373. I can take him.
Did you not see those claws?
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374. Please. We just
want to go home.
Copy !req
375. But Spacebot...
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376. Jesus, think about someone else
for once in your life!
Copy !req
377. And that's her
saying that.
Copy !req
378. Exactly.
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379. Domo arigato, Archer Roboto
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380. Uh, Barry?
Yo. Yeah, let's get it on, brother.
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381. I, uh... I can't get it on.
Copy !req
382. What? Come on.
Maybe next time, sorry.
Copy !req
383. Hey, don't do that, don't apologize.
Sorry.
Copy !req
384. I mean, if you're having
a legitimate problem with your vagina...
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385. that you have between your legs
in lieu of a penis...
Copy !req
386. I completely understand.
And you need to deal with that.
Copy !req
387. Honestly, we can do this another time.
Copy !req
388. Archer?
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389. Next time, Barry.
Copy !req
390. Sterling, I know I may not say this very often...
Or ever.
Copy !req
391. Well, congratulations,
you ruined it.
Copy !req
392. But I'm still very proud of you.
Copy !req
393. Aw.
Copy !req
394. Ass.
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395. Docking coupler disengaging.
Copy !req
396. Okay, folks, next stop, planet Earth.
Copy !req
397. Just try not to kill us all, Cyril.
Mother, please!
Copy !req
398. Don't listen to her, Cyril,
you're gonna do great.
Copy !req
399. Hey, thanks, Archer.
Copy !req
400. You know what, just for that...
Copy !req
401. - What are you doing?
- Heh, heh, heh. You'll see.
Copy !req
402. Ignition.
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403. No!
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404. Now who's got a vagina problem?
Copy !req
405. - Me.
- Ew.
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406. How am I gonna get home?
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407. - Fifty meters.
- You're doing great, Cyril.
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408. Almost there.
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409. So let me take this baby on in.
What are you doing?
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410. - Archer, stop it!
- Let me land it!
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411. Archer! You had, like, an actual moment
of self-awareness in space, so...
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412. So I deserve to land the goddamn spaceship!
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413. - Aah!
- Sink rate, sink rate.
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414. Cyril, it's all you, buddy. You got it.
Climb, climb.
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415. Until further notice, no more health
insurance claims will be accepted.
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416. - Aw. Come on, really?
- Don't blame me.
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417. Yeah, Cyril crashed the damn thing.
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418. Oh, come on, Ray.
What's the big deal?
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419. You already had the chair!
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420. Hey, did I tell you guys I got a goat?
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