1. - Archer, do something.
- Sure thing, Lana.Copy !req
2. Oh, wait, I can't, because I left my
lightsaber in my other space pants!Copy !req
3. Don't yell at me, this was your idea!
What?Copy !req
4. Remind me, when was it
that I said, "Guys, great idea.Copy !req
5. Let's get shanghaied
to go live on fricking Mars!"Copy !req
6. Keep moving.
Make me... Ow!Copy !req
7. Heh, heh. He said "meow."Copy !req
8. Moving. Yes, and how can I help you
not ever do that again, please?Copy !req
9. Get in there.
In here sounds great.Copy !req
10. Are the cuffs really necessary?Copy !req
11. Archer broke both of Wu's arms.Copy !req
12. He what?
While shouting "whoo!"Copy !req
13. Happy coincidence.Copy !req
14. Mr. Archer, do I have to sedate you?
Well, I wouldn't say no to a drink.Copy !req
15. Archer.
What, you want one?Copy !req
16. Okay, can we get two, um...Copy !req
17. My tongue says sangrita,
but my heart says...Copy !req
18. Archer.
michelada.Copy !req
19. You realize this is kidnapping.
I do, yes.Copy !req
20. And do you realize you're insane?
He wouldn't, by definition...Copy !req
21. What's more insane? Suffering through
famine, war, disease on a dying Earth...Copy !req
22. or creating a utopia on Mars?Copy !req
23. Using me as
your brood sow?Copy !req
24. No, not...
Well, okay, yes, technically.Copy !req
25. But we searched for so long to find
the perfect human female specimen.Copy !req
26. Well, that's
flattering-ish.Copy !req
27. And with your morphology,
your IQ, your medical history...Copy !req
28. How'd you get
my medical records?Copy !req
29. Don't judge me on the how,
until you see the why.Copy !req
30. Oh, Krieger-san!
I never judge you!Copy !req
31. Well, your mother
sure as hell does!Copy !req
32. How isn't important.
What is important...Copy !req
33. Is you hired ISIS just so Lana could
pump out a bunch of Martian babies?Copy !req
34. Only if by "Martian" you mean "born on Mars,"
not actual alien life forms.Copy !req
35. Oh. Whatever. Either way.Copy !req
36. My point is this whole thing is Lana's fault...
What?Copy !req
37. and you don't need more dudes on Mars...
Archer!Copy !req
38. Lana, the penis-to-your-vagina ratio
around here is creepy enough already...Copy !req
39. so why not let us three go...Copy !req
40. I'm afraid that's impossible.
Or just me.Copy !req
41. Because even if we didn't need
all the manpower we can get...Copy !req
42. there's no ship
to take you back to Earth.Copy !req
43. Yeah, no, the shuttle, it's...Copy !req
44. It's going to push the Horizon
into orbit above Mars...Copy !req
45. to serve as our base
while we begin the terraforming.Copy !req
46. Which reminds me.Copy !req
47. Commander Kellogg, there are
three women on the Intrepid.Copy !req
48. Take a boarding party and bring them
back here to join their friends.Copy !req
49. Holy shit-space!Copy !req
50. Hey, guys, we got a problem!Copy !req
51. Duh. The party's starting, and this
dress makes me look like a whore!Copy !req
52. Oh, you don't look
like a whore.Copy !req
53. An idiot, maybe.
Wha...?Copy !req
54. Or both.Copy !req
55. Yes, a "whordiot."Copy !req
56. Agent Kane, I...Copy !req
57. May I call you Lana?Copy !req
58. You absolutely may not.Copy !req
59. Fair enough,
but I wish you'd reconsider.Copy !req
60. You'd be much more
comfortable in my quarters.Copy !req
61. Ha! You'll have to sedate me.Copy !req
62. No, no, no, we wouldn't do that.Copy !req
63. We need you in peak physical condition
for this great undertaking of ours.Copy !req
64. All of you.Copy !req
65. So wait, are we not doing drinks?Copy !req
66. Ha! I'm not helping you terraform Mars.
I won't move one cup of dirt.Copy !req
67. Can we at least have beers?Copy !req
68. Then you can join the, um...Copy !req
69. Well, we're calling them
"involuntary laborers."Copy !req
70. Invol... Wait, you mean slaves?Copy !req
71. Oh, now he's indignant.Copy !req
72. Please, all you have to do
is sit around all day getting laid.Copy !req
73. Involuntary labor is just
a temporary measure.Copy !req
74. In a few generations,
after the colony is established...Copy !req
75. we'll revisit the issue.
In the meantime...Copy !req
76. You can kiss three-fifths of my ass.Copy !req
77. Uh, Tony, we've got a problem.Copy !req
78. Ugh. What now?Copy !req
79. I'm on my way.Copy !req
80. And the black guy
is okay with this?Copy !req
81. Ugh.
What? Oh, for... How was that racist?Copy !req
82. It's just a temporary measure.
I didn't say anything.Copy !req
83. Hello, uh, miss?
This is Commander Kellogg.Copy !req
84. I need you to move the locking lever
from "manual" to "auto."Copy !req
85. "Auto." Got it. Moving the lever.Copy !req
86. Uh, clunk. Did that do it?Copy !req
87. Did you move the...?Copy !req
88. Boring conversation anyway.Copy !req
89. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
90. These nutsacks wanna take us
to Mars to be baby factories.Copy !req
91. Really?Copy !req
92. I can't go live on Mars.
I just rented a summer house.Copy !req
93. Really?Copy !req
94. No.Copy !req
95. Oh, whatever. Come on,
we gotta figure a way out of this.Copy !req
96. Or do we?Copy !req
97. - Yes.
- No!Copy !req
98. Why is nobody else wearing
a T-shirt under their suit?Copy !req
99. Because this thing feels amazing.Copy !req
100. I know, right?
It's like a vagina with a zipper.Copy !req
101. Ew.
Lana, trust me, this is the only way.Copy !req
102. Ugh. All right. But turn around.Copy !req
103. "Turn around"? It's not like
we haven't all seen them before.Copy !req
104. Don't remind me.Copy !req
105. Okay, there.Copy !req
106. Although, I guess it has been a long time.Copy !req
107. Meaning?Copy !req
108. Nothing, just bet you're glad
we're in reduced gravity.Copy !req
109. Well, I didn't invent the ravages of time.Copy !req
110. Okay, Ray, Cyril, get ready.Copy !req
111. Lana, uh, pretend it's five years ago.Copy !req
112. I wish it was, so I could murder you
before we ever dated.Copy !req
113. Uh, excuse me, could I borrow you?Copy !req
114. No, you cannot borrow... Oh, my God!Copy !req
115. Yeah, right?Copy !req
116. Okay, what seems to be the...?Copy !req
117. Aah! My eye!Copy !req
118. Somebody get his goddamn gun!Copy !req
119. - Oh, for the love of...!
- Ow! You dick!Copy !req
120. Ow! My other eye!Copy !req
121. I'm almost certainly blind.Copy !req
122. Serves you right. Anybody else hit?Copy !req
123. No, I'm good.
Yeah, uh, me too.Copy !req
124. That's because you hid, Cyril.Copy !req
125. Otherwise, I think that all
went pretty great.Copy !req
126. - Right?
- Really?Copy !req
127. Heh, heh. Do you not?Copy !req
128. "Do you not?"
Just give me the damn...Copy !req
129. T-shirt.
Sorry, it's been commandeered.Copy !req
130. What the hell am I supposed to wear?
Uh... Oh, maybe this will work.Copy !req
131. Yeah, I think that totally works.
Stole them from the gift shop.Copy !req
132. If you're done being an asshole,
help me strip this guy so I can...Copy !req
133. - What the...?
- Security breach, Pod 6.Copy !req
134. We gotta move! Come on!Copy !req
135. Lana, let's go!Copy !req
136. Wait! Let me just get... Damn it!Copy !req
137. Ow.Copy !req
138. Well, now they're droopier.Copy !req
139. Aw.Copy !req
140. Security breach, Pod 6.Copy !req
141. No, no, no, now what?Copy !req
142. Security breach, Pod 6.
I heard you.Copy !req
143. I don't care if you have to use
the plasma torch, get this door open.Copy !req
144. Security team, this is Commander Drake.
Converge on Pod 6.Copy !req
145. You heard him,
get this door open.Copy !req
146. Sure thing, boss man.Copy !req
147. Oh, my God, for the last time...Copy !req
148. We can't...Copy !req
149. fight them off.Copy !req
150. That's what Dad said when the bank man
came out to foreclose on the farm.Copy !req
151. And guess how that turned out.Copy !req
152. You murdered a banker?Copy !req
153. No, we got a loan modification.Copy !req
154. You think a bank wants to own a failing
dairy farm with obsolete milkers?Copy !req
155. Oh, my God, speaking of...Copy !req
156. They're right where they've always been.Copy !req
157. Wait, can she hear us?
Man, I hope not.Copy !req
158. Lana.
Guess not.Copy !req
159. Will you come on?
Grr!Copy !req
160. Don't get me wrong.
I'd still do her.Copy !req
161. Oh, please, you'd do...Copy !req
162. Name a noun.Copy !req
163. No, you look.Copy !req
164. You look at these
and tell me they're not perfect!Copy !req
165. Now? Really?Copy !req
166. Jesus God, are you that insecure?Copy !req
167. No! I'm not! Because I am...
Ready!Copy !req
168. Oh, man.
Uh, thoughts?Copy !req
169. Through there! Go!
Uh, nope.Copy !req
170. Aim!Copy !req
171. Why not?
It's full of, ugh, garbage and shit.Copy !req
172. You got a better idea?Copy !req
173. Well, we could eat a big bowl
of hepatitises A through E.Copy !req
174. Or just run away.Copy !req
175. Just because it was my idea, you...
Guys.Copy !req
176. Fire!Copy !req
177. Oh, shit.Copy !req
178. What's taking so long?Copy !req
179. Couple things.Copy !req
180. One, I didn't invent whatever
this door is made of...Copy !req
181. which is apparently some alloy
of adamantium and mithril.Copy !req
182. And two,
not really liking your tone.Copy !req
183. Ugh, you idiots.Copy !req
184. Firing an ion cannon
at the future Mother of Mars?Copy !req
185. Whose idea was that?
Ahem. Dave's.Copy !req
186. Oh. Well, that's just great, Dave.Copy !req
187. Tell me, if you kill her, who's gonna
bear our Martian children? Huh? Trish?Copy !req
188. Ew.
Ew.Copy !req
189. Archer! Sorry, go on, Trish.Copy !req
190. We've been locked in here
ever since you idiots took over Horizon.Copy !req
191. Tone.
Yeah, sorry.Copy !req
192. But Drake wants to use the Intrepid
to push Horizon to Mars...Copy !req
193. so tell us how we can stop him.Copy !req
194. Yeah, can Cyril die after shutting
down the tractor beam, or?Copy !req
195. Ugh! The Intrepid is the key to Drake's plan...Copy !req
196. and he and Kellogg are
the only ones who can fly it.Copy !req
197. So why aren't
you A-holes down there?Copy !req
198. Heh, heh. Burn.
Cyril.Copy !req
199. Although, good point, Trish.Copy !req
200. Okay, to the Intrepid. Let's go.Copy !req
201. Oh, and, Trish? Uh, with your looks,
maybe bitchy is not the way to go.Copy !req
202. Okay, you're the prettiest! Come on!Copy !req
203. I thought I'd made myself very clear.
You did, but...Copy !req
204. Then why isn't the airlock open?Copy !req
205. Dwarven technology.Copy !req
206. What was that? What did you say?
Tony, stop.Copy !req
207. See? Now we just wait for Mr. Archer
to save the day, like he always does.Copy !req
208. I don't know about always but...Copy !req
209. Are you sure they can't get in?Copy !req
210. Didn't you hear him? He said...Copy !req
211. Say "dwarven technology" again!
What the...?Copy !req
212. Stop this at once.
We command you.Copy !req
213. I'm sorry?
Unh.Copy !req
214. Wait, we're sorry. Aren't you guys
looking for a new Martian queen?Copy !req
215. Goddamn it.Copy !req
216. Why, yes, and you're...?
Your Majesty.Copy !req
217. Your Majesty.Copy !req
218. And you're just so...Copy !req
219. What's the word
I'm looking for?Copy !req
220. Don't say "whordiot." We hate that.Copy !req
221. Majestic.
Right.Copy !req
222. Now follow me. We got a big list
of must-haves for the royal palace.Copy !req
223. - Uh, your wish is my command.
- Duh.Copy !req
224. Seal the door behind me
and prepare Horizon for launch.Copy !req
225. Next stop, Mars.Copy !req
226. Okay, you heard him.
Uh, I heard him tell you to do it.Copy !req
227. And I'm telling you to do it.Copy !req
228. And I'm telling you that I didn't
sign up for Animal Farm in space.Copy !req
229. Wait, there are animals?Copy !req
230. No, Animal Farm.Copy !req
231. How do you not get that?
Cyril, I know what an animal farm is.Copy !req
232. Not an animal farm.Copy !req
233. Maybe we can, I don't know,
stampede a flock of goats down the hall.Copy !req
234. Animal Farm is a book.Copy !req
235. No, it isn't, Lana.Copy !req
236. It's an allegorical novella
about Stalinism by George Orwell!Copy !req
237. And spoiler alert, it sucks!Copy !req
238. Although I was talking about
an actual animal farm.Copy !req
239. So never mind.Copy !req
240. Oh, don't mind me, ma'ams.Copy !req
241. Just adjusting the climate control.Copy !req
242. Ooh, yes.
Another palace must-have.Copy !req
243. Now, we heard some
mention of babies?Copy !req
244. Uh-huh.
But just to be clear, we don't do babies.Copy !req
245. "Do" as in?Copy !req
246. "Do" as in tolerate, be around, touch...Copy !req
247. and as in let them claw
their monster-y way out of our vagina.Copy !req
248. Well, let's put a pin in that.Copy !req
249. Ew!Copy !req
250. Wait, put a pin in what?Copy !req
251. What? What is wrong with you?
And where are the other two...?Copy !req
252. Right here, space-nuts.Copy !req
253. Pamela, stop.
Your queen commands you.Copy !req
254. Oh, please, you're not fit
to be queen of...Copy !req
255. Name a place.
Lidsville.Copy !req
256. And, Drake, you can forget all about
your crazy little Martian sex cult.Copy !req
257. Ugh. It's not...Copy !req
258. Don't you people get it?Copy !req
259. Earth is doomed.Copy !req
260. Mankind's only hope for survival is
to find a new home on Mars...Copy !req
261. and I am the only man alive
who can lead us there.Copy !req
262. I am like, uh...Copy !req
263. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
264. Well, I think a more apt analogy
would be Moses, but...Copy !req
265. Drop your weapon.
Make me.Copy !req
266. No, don't make her.
Come on, Pam.Copy !req
267. Pam, shoot!Copy !req
268. Mother!
Malory!Copy !req
269. - Pam!
- And she'll do it too.Copy !req
270. She'll do anything to keep us
from the throne which is our birthright.Copy !req
271. Ew, birth.Copy !req
272. All right!
No, no, no. What are you doing?Copy !req
273. No, no! No, even if they kill me,
they can never kill our dream.Copy !req
274. Mars!Copy !req
275. Uh, hang on, sorry, one sec.Copy !req
276. Drones? You wanna?
Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
277. Thanks a lot. Thank you.Copy !req
278. There is no Mars without you,
Tony. I'm sorry.Copy !req
279. Sorry? You're sorry?Copy !req
280. You just single-handedly doomed mankind!Copy !req
281. Even so, black astronaut, that's pretty huge.
It actually is.Copy !req
282. And at least your own mother didn't
just play chicken with your life!Copy !req
283. Heh, heh. Self-burn.
Cyril!Copy !req
284. Drake, you're gonna fly us back to Earth
to stand trial for, whatever, space piracy.Copy !req
285. No man can judge me.Copy !req
286. Well, you say that, but...Copy !req
287. Mars forever!Copy !req
288. Suppressing fire!Copy !req
289. Cyril, stop!Copy !req
290. I think I got them. Did I get them?Copy !req
291. You did. You got those two guys,
who were just minding their own business.Copy !req
292. Ooh. And also the one remaining person
who could fly us back to Earth!Copy !req
293. A black astronaut, Cyril.
That's like killing a unicorn.Copy !req
294. Aw, crap-snacks!
How could this get...?Copy !req
295. Don't say it! Do not say it!Copy !req
296. Gone to outer spaceCopy !req
297. To shoot that dickbag in his faceCopy !req
298. Hang on, Other Barry.Copy !req
299. Uh, this is Barry.Copy !req
300. Hey, pumpkin pie! What's that?Copy !req
301. No. No, I'm in, uh, London for wor...Copy !req
302. What?Copy !req
303. Heh, Katya, pumpkin, I promised
I'd stop trying to kill Archer.Copy !req
304. Yes. Yes, both Barrys promised.Copy !req
305. What? Wait, what's wrong
with the sofa we already have?Copy !req
306. Oh, hey, hon, you're breaking up.Copy !req
307. Any worse.
Is what I was gonna say.Copy !req
308. Really?Copy !req
309. Yes.Copy !req
310. Oh, my God, are you kidding me?Copy !req
311. Hello, is this airboats?Copy !req
312. Yeah, hi, it's me, Spacebot.Copy !req
313. What? Oh, just lifting a thousand pounds
like it's an apple, no big deal.Copy !req
314. Archer! Quit screwing around with the robot
and shut the damn airlock already!Copy !req
315. Five more minutes! God.Copy !req
316. What's the hurry?
We're all gonna die up here anyway.Copy !req
317. We're gonna die!Copy !req
318. We're not gonna die!
Stop crying!Copy !req
319. For what it's worth, I think you
would've made a great Martian queen.Copy !req
320. Duh!Copy !req
321. Okay.Copy !req
322. Yeah. So, Trish?
What?Copy !req
323. Still with the tone.Copy !req
324. Okay, the airlock's closed. Happy?Copy !req
325. So, seriously, none of you
know how to fly this thing?Copy !req
326. No. We're scientists. We never
even trained on the simulator.Copy !req
327. The simulator.
Guys, I can fly us home.Copy !req
328. I will fly us home.Copy !req
329. Wait, what is this?Copy !req
330. And that?Copy !req
331. But right now this?Copy !req
332. He was really good in the simulator.
Right up until he crashed it.Copy !req
333. Thanks to you and your fire extinguisher.
Right?Copy !req
334. Okay, then it's settled.Copy !req
335. So, Trish,
Horizon is self-sustaining, right?Copy !req
336. Duh.
Well, then, have fun.Copy !req
337. Wait, wait, wait!Copy !req
338. Uh... Never mind. I'm sure someone
is gonna feed the farm animals.Copy !req
339. Cyril, you're in command, try not to kill us.
Everybody else, strap in.Copy !req
340. Really?Copy !req
341. I said in, not on.Copy !req
342. Oh.
And ew.Copy !req
343. And... Malory!Copy !req
344. I'm going into stasis.
Wake me up when we're on the ground.Copy !req
345. Preferably above 72nd Street.Copy !req
346. What is that? Who's got beer?Copy !req
347. Archer!Copy !req
348. Come out to play.Copy !req
349. Barry?Copy !req
350. Come on out, Archer.
I mean, I'd come in, but...Copy !req
351. Yeah. Who built this door,
space dwarves?Copy !req
352. Okay, Barry. Forgetting for the moment
how you found me here...Copy !req
353. Krieger-san!Copy !req
354. You wanna finish this?Copy !req
355. Yeah, I do. Yeah. That's why I'm here.Copy !req
356. Not for long, you're not.Copy !req
357. Where do you think you're going?
Uh, this place called to kill Barry.Copy !req
358. Every time y'all fight he beats you like
the redheaded stepchild of a rented mule.Copy !req
359. No, he doesn't.Copy !req
360. - Yeah, both head and ass.
- Pounds you like meat.Copy !req
361. Look, look, look. Hang on, hang on.Copy !req
362. There we go.
Look, check this out.Copy !req
363. Look. Yeah.Copy !req
364. Oh.
You can wear this.Copy !req
365. My God.
I know. Right?Copy !req
366. Evil Cyborg versus Spacebot. Love it.Copy !req
367. This is gonna be...Copy !req
368. And I hate this word, Barry,
but this is gonna be epic!Copy !req
369. - I'll be right...
- He can't get in here.Copy !req
370. So the only reason
to go out there is your ego.Copy !req
371. Not just my ego, Lana,
Spacebot's ego.Copy !req
372. And a giant ass-whipping.Copy !req
373. I can take him.
Did you not see those claws?Copy !req
374. Please. We just
want to go home.Copy !req
375. But Spacebot...Copy !req
376. Jesus, think about someone else
for once in your life!Copy !req
377. And that's her
saying that.Copy !req
378. Exactly.Copy !req
379. Domo arigato, Archer RobotoCopy !req
380. Uh, Barry?
Yo. Yeah, let's get it on, brother.Copy !req
381. I, uh... I can't get it on.Copy !req
382. What? Come on.
Maybe next time, sorry.Copy !req
383. Hey, don't do that, don't apologize.
Sorry.Copy !req
384. I mean, if you're having
a legitimate problem with your vagina...Copy !req
385. that you have between your legs
in lieu of a penis...Copy !req
386. I completely understand.
And you need to deal with that.Copy !req
387. Honestly, we can do this another time.Copy !req
388. Archer?Copy !req
389. Next time, Barry.Copy !req
390. Sterling, I know I may not say this very often...
Or ever.Copy !req
391. Well, congratulations,
you ruined it.Copy !req
392. But I'm still very proud of you.Copy !req
393. Aw.Copy !req
394. Ass.Copy !req
395. Docking coupler disengaging.Copy !req
396. Okay, folks, next stop, planet Earth.Copy !req
397. Just try not to kill us all, Cyril.
Mother, please!Copy !req
398. Don't listen to her, Cyril,
you're gonna do great.Copy !req
399. Hey, thanks, Archer.Copy !req
400. You know what, just for that...Copy !req
401. - What are you doing?
- Heh, heh, heh. You'll see.Copy !req
402. Ignition.Copy !req
403. No!Copy !req
404. Now who's got a vagina problem?Copy !req
405. - Me.
- Ew.Copy !req
406. How am I gonna get home?Copy !req
407. - Fifty meters.
- You're doing great, Cyril.Copy !req
408. Almost there.Copy !req
409. So let me take this baby on in.
What are you doing?Copy !req
410. - Archer, stop it!
- Let me land it!Copy !req
411. Archer! You had, like, an actual moment
of self-awareness in space, so...Copy !req
412. So I deserve to land the goddamn spaceship!Copy !req
413. - Aah!
- Sink rate, sink rate.Copy !req
414. Cyril, it's all you, buddy. You got it.
Climb, climb.Copy !req
415. Until further notice, no more health
insurance claims will be accepted.Copy !req
416. - Aw. Come on, really?
- Don't blame me.Copy !req
417. Yeah, Cyril crashed the damn thing.Copy !req
418. Oh, come on, Ray.
What's the big deal?Copy !req
419. You already had the chair!Copy !req
420. Hey, did I tell you guys I got a goat?Copy !req