1. Archer, do something!Copy !req
2. Sure thing, Lana...
Oh wait, I can't, because I left my lightsaberCopy !req
3. in my other space-pants!Copy !req
4. Don't yell at me, this was your idea!Copy !req
5. What? Remind me, when was it that
I said "Guys, great idea!Copy !req
6. Let's get shangaied to go
live on frickin Mars!"Copy !req
7. Keep moving.Copy !req
8. Make meowwwww!Copy !req
9. - He said meow...
- Moving, yes, and how can I help you not everCopy !req
10. do that again please?Copy !req
11. Get in there.Copy !req
12. In here sounds great.Copy !req
13. are the cuffs really necessary?Copy !req
14. Archer broke both of Wu's arms.Copy !req
15. He what?Copy !req
16. While shouting "woo."Copy !req
17. Happy coincidence.Copy !req
18. Mr. Archer, do I
have to sedate you?Copy !req
19. - Well, I wouldn't say no to a drink...
- Archer?Copy !req
20. What, you want one?Copy !req
21. - Okay, can we get two — my tongue says
sangria, but my heart says—
- Archer.Copy !req
22. - Michelada.
- You realize this is kidnapping.Copy !req
23. I do, yes.Copy !req
24. And do you realize you're insane?Copy !req
25. - Well he wouldn't, by definition—
- What's more insane?Copy !req
26. Suffering through famine, war,
and disease on a dying Earth?Copy !req
27. Or creating a utopia on Mars?Copy !req
28. Using me as your, your brood sow?Copy !req
29. No, not — well okay yes, technically,
but we searched for so long toCopy !req
30. find the perfect human female specimen!Copy !req
31. Well that's flattering.Copy !req
32. Ish.Copy !req
33. And with your morphology,
your IQ, your medical history...Copy !req
34. How'd you get my medical records?Copy !req
35. Don't judge me on the how...
Until you see the why.Copy !req
36. Oh, Kareega-san!Copy !req
37. - I nevah jooja you.
- Well your mother sure as hell does!Copy !req
38. How isn't important.Copy !req
39. - What is important —
- Is you hired ISIS justCopy !req
40. so Lana could pump out a
bunch of Martian babies?Copy !req
41. Only if by "Martian" you mean "born on Mars,"Copy !req
42. Whatever, either way, my point is
this whole thing is Lana's fault —Copy !req
43. What?Copy !req
44. — and since you obviously
don't need any more dudes on Mars —Copy !req
45. Archer!Copy !req
46. Lana, the penis-to-your-vagina ratio
around here is creepy enough already.Copy !req
47. - So why not let us three go, and —
- I'm afraid that's impossible —Copy !req
48. Or just me.Copy !req
49. — because even if we didn't
need all the manpower we can get,Copy !req
50. there's no ship to take you back to Earth.Copy !req
51. - Yeah no, the shuttle, it's —
- It's going toCopy !req
52. push the Horizon into orbit above
Mars, to serve as our base while weCopy !req
53. begin the terraforming.Copy !req
54. Which reminds me.Copy !req
55. Captain Kellogg, there are
three women on the intrepid.Copy !req
56. Take a boarding party, and bring
them back here to join their friends.Copy !req
57. Holy shitspace!Copy !req
58. Hey guys, we got a problem!Copy !req
59. Duh!Copy !req
60. The party's starting and this
dress makes me look like a whore!Copy !req
61. Oh, you don't look like an whore...
An idiot, maybe.Copy !req
62. Wh-?Copy !req
63. Or both.Copy !req
64. Yes, a... whordiot.Copy !req
65. Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.comCopy !req
66. Archer 3x10
Space Race
Original Air Date on March 22, 2012Copy !req
67. BluRay resync by AtrusCopy !req
68. Agent Kane, I —
may I call you Lana?Copy !req
69. You absolutely may not.Copy !req
70. Fair enough, but I wish you'd reconsider.Copy !req
71. You'd be much more comfortable in my quarters.Copy !req
72. Ha!
You'll have to sedate me.Copy !req
73. Oh, we wouldn't do that.Copy !req
74. We need you in peak physical condition
for this great undertaking of ours.Copy !req
75. All of you.Copy !req
76. So wait, are we not doing drinks?Copy !req
77. Ha!
I'm not helping you terraform Mars!Copy !req
78. I won't move a cup of dirt!Copy !req
79. Can we at least have beers?Copy !req
80. Then you can join the um...
we're calling them involuntary laborers."Copy !req
81. Involun — wait,
you mean slaves?Copy !req
82. - Oh now he's indignant...
- Oh please, all you have to do is sitCopy !req
83. around all day getting laid!Copy !req
84. Involuntary labor is just a temporary measure!Copy !req
85. In a few generations, after the colony
is established, we'll revisit the issue.Copy !req
86. In the meantime —
You can kiss three-fifths of my ass!Copy !req
87. - Uh, Tony, we've got a problem...
- Ugh, what now?Copy !req
88. I'm on my way.Copy !req
89. And the black guy's okay with this?Copy !req
90. What!Copy !req
91. Oh for — how was that racist?Copy !req
92. It's just a temporary measure!Copy !req
93. I didn't say anything.Copy !req
94. Hello, uh, miss?Copy !req
95. This is Commander Kellogg.Copy !req
96. I need you to move the locking
lever from "manual" to "auto".Copy !req
97. "Auto," got it, moving the lever!Copy !req
98. Uh... clunk.Copy !req
99. Did that do it?Copy !req
100. - Did you move the —?
- Boring conversation anyway.Copy !req
101. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
102. These nutsacks wanna take
us to Mars to be baby-factories!Copy !req
103. - Reeally...
- Wh-?Copy !req
104. I can't go live on Mars!Copy !req
105. I just rented a summer house!Copy !req
106. - Reeally...
- No.Copy !req
107. You just — oh whatever, c'mon,
we gotta figure a way out of this!Copy !req
108. - Or do we...
- Yes.Copy !req
109. No!Copy !req
110. And why is nobody else wearing a
t-shirt under their flight suit?Copy !req
111. Because this thing feels amazing.Copy !req
112. - I know, right? Like a vagina with a zipper...
- Ew.Copy !req
113. Lana, trust me, this is the only way.Copy !req
114. Ugh, alright.Copy !req
115. But turn around.Copy !req
116. "Turn around."Copy !req
117. It's not like we haven't all seen them before.Copy !req
118. Don't remind me.Copy !req
119. Okay, there.Copy !req
120. - Although, I guess it has been a long time...
- Meaning...?Copy !req
121. Nothing, just...
bet you're glad we're in reduced gravity.Copy !req
122. Well?Copy !req
123. I didn't invent the ravages of time.Copy !req
124. Okay Ray, Cyril, get ready.Copy !req
125. Lana... pretend it's five years ago.Copy !req
126. wish it was, so I could
murder you before we ever dated.Copy !req
127. Uh, excuse me?Copy !req
128. Could I borrow you?Copy !req
129. No, you cannot borroh oh my God!Copy !req
130. Yeah, right?Copy !req
131. Okay, what
seems to be the — Oh my eye!Copy !req
132. Somebody get his goddamn gun!Copy !req
133. - Oh for the love of—
- Oww! Dick!Copy !req
134. Gaargh!Copy !req
135. My other eye!Copy !req
136. - I'm almost certainly blind...
- Serves you right.Copy !req
137. Anybody else hit?Copy !req
138. - No, I'm good.
- Yeah, me too.Copy !req
139. That's because you hid Cyril.Copy !req
140. Otherwise, I think that all went pretty great.Copy !req
141. Right?Copy !req
142. Really.Copy !req
143. Do you not?Copy !req
144. "Do you not?"Copy !req
145. Just gimme the damn — T-shirt.Copy !req
146. Sorry, it's been commandeered.Copy !req
147. What the hell am I supposed to wear?Copy !req
148. Uh... maybe this will work.Copy !req
149. Ah, I think that totally works.Copy !req
150. Stole them from the gift shop.Copy !req
151. If you're done being an asshole,
help me strip this guy so I can —Copy !req
152. Security breach, pod six.Copy !req
153. We gotta move!Copy !req
154. C'mon!Copy !req
155. Lana, let's go!Copy !req
156. Wait!Copy !req
157. Lemme just get — damn it.Copy !req
158. Rrrrr... owww!Copy !req
159. Well now they're droopier.Copy !req
160. Aww...Copy !req
161. Security breach, pod six.Copy !req
162. No no no, now what?Copy !req
163. Security breach, pod six.Copy !req
164. I heard you!Copy !req
165. I don't care if you have to use a
plasma torch, get this door open!Copy !req
166. Security team, this is Commander Drake!Copy !req
167. Converge on pod six!Copy !req
168. You heard him, get this door open.Copy !req
169. Sure thing... bossman.Copy !req
170. - Oh my God, for the last time —
- We can't!Copy !req
171. Fight them off!Copy !req
172. That's what Dad said, when the bank
man came out to foreclose on the farm.Copy !req
173. And guess how that turned out.Copy !req
174. You murdered a banker?Copy !req
175. No, we got a loan modification.Copy !req
176. You think a bank wants to
own a failing dairy farm?Copy !req
177. With obsolete milkers?Copy !req
178. - Oh my God, speaking of...
- They're right!Copy !req
179. Where they've always been!Copy !req
180. Wait, can she hear us?Copy !req
181. - Man, I hope not...
- Lana?Copy !req
182. Guess not.Copy !req
183. Will you come on?Copy !req
184. Rrgh!Copy !req
185. Don't get me wrong, I'd still do her.Copy !req
186. Oh please, you'd do...
name a noun.Copy !req
187. No, you look!Copy !req
188. You look at these, and tell
me they're not perfect!Copy !req
189. Now? Really?Copy !req
190. Jesus God, are you that insecure?Copy !req
191. No! I'm not!Copy !req
192. - Because I'm —
- Readyyyyy!Copy !req
193. Uh, thoughts?Copy !req
194. Through there! Go!Copy !req
195. Uh, newp.Copy !req
196. Aaaiiim!Copy !req
197. Why not?Copy !req
198. It's full of, ugh, garbage an' shit!Copy !req
199. You got a better idea?Copy !req
200. Well, we could eat a big
bowl of Hepatitises A through E...Copy !req
201. Or just run away.Copy !req
202. Just because it was
my idea, you — guys?Copy !req
203. Fiiiiire!Copy !req
204. Oh shit.Copy !req
205. What is taking so long?Copy !req
206. Couple things...
One, I didn't invent whateverCopy !req
207. this door is made of, which is apparently
some alloy of adamantium and mithril!Copy !req
208. And two, not really liking your tone!Copy !req
209. You idiots!Copy !req
210. Firing an ion cannon at the
future Mother of Mars?Copy !req
211. Whose idea was that?Copy !req
212. - Dave's.
- Wh-?Copy !req
213. Well that's great, Dave.Copy !req
214. So tell me, if you kill her, who's
going to bear our Martian children?Copy !req
215. Trish?Copy !req
216. Ew.Copy !req
217. Ew!Copy !req
218. Archer!Copy !req
219. Sorry, go on, Trish.Copy !req
220. We've been locked in here ever
since they you idiots took over Horizon.Copy !req
221. - Tone...
- Yeah, sorry.Copy !req
222. Butt Drake wants to use the Intrepid
to push Horizon to Mars!Copy !req
223. So tell us how we can stop him!Copy !req
224. Yeah, can Cyril die after
shutting down the tractor beam, or...?Copy !req
225. Ugh! The Intrepid is the key to Drake's
plan, and he and Kellogg are the onlyCopy !req
226. ones who can fly it!Copy !req
227. So why aren't you a-holes down there?Copy !req
228. - Burn.
- Cyril!Copy !req
229. Although, good point Trish.Copy !req
230. Okay, to the Intrepid!Copy !req
231. Let's go!Copy !req
232. Oh, and Trish?Copy !req
233. With your looks, maybe
bitchy's not the way to go.Copy !req
234. Okay, you're the prettiest!Copy !req
235. Come on!Copy !req
236. I thought I made myself very clear.Copy !req
237. - You did, but—
- Then why!Copy !req
238. Isn't this airlock open?Copy !req
239. Dwarven technology.Copy !req
240. What was that?Copy !req
241. What'd you say?Copy !req
242. Tony, stop!Copy !req
243. See?Copy !req
244. Now we just wait for Mr. Archer to
save the day, like he always does.Copy !req
245. I don't know about "always" but—
Are you sure they can't get in?Copy !req
246. Didn't you hear him?Copy !req
247. - He said —
- Say "dwarven technology" to me again!Copy !req
248. What the...?Copy !req
249. Stop this at once!Copy !req
250. We command you!Copy !req
251. I'm sorry?Copy !req
252. Oh wait, we're
sorry — aren't you guysCopy !req
253. looking for a new Martian queen?Copy !req
254. - God damn it...
- Why, yes, and you're —
- Your majesty.Copy !req
255. Your majesty, and you are just, so...
What's the word I'm looking for?Copy !req
256. Don't say whordiot, we hate that.Copy !req
257. - Majestic!
- Right?Copy !req
258. Now follow me, we got a big list of
must-haves for the royal palace.Copy !req
259. Uh, your wish is my command!Copy !req
260. Duh.Copy !req
261. Seal the door behind me
and prepare Horizon for launch.Copy !req
262. Next stop, Mars!Copy !req
263. Okay, you heard him.Copy !req
264. Uh, I heard him tell you to do it.Copy !req
265. And I'm telling you to do it!Copy !req
266. And I'm telling you that I
didn't sign up for Animal Farm in space!Copy !req
267. Wait, there's animals?Copy !req
268. Wh-? No.Copy !req
269. Animal Farm?Copy !req
270. How do you not get that?Copy !req
271. - Cyril, I know what an animal farm is —
- Not an animal farm!Copy !req
272. — and maybe we can, I dunno,
stampede a flock of goats downCopy !req
273. - the hall...
- Animal Farm! Is a book!Copy !req
274. No, it isn't Lana!Copy !req
275. It's an allegorical novella!Copy !req
276. About Stalinism!Copy !req
277. By George Orwell!Copy !req
278. And spoiler alert, it sucks!Copy !req
279. Although I was talking about
an actual animal farm.Copy !req
280. So never mind.Copy !req
281. Oh don't mind me, ma'am, just uh...
adjusting the climate control.Copy !req
282. Ooh! Yes!Copy !req
283. Another palace must-have!Copy !req
284. Now, we heard some mention of babies?Copy !req
285. - Uh-huh...
- But just to be clear, we don't do babies?Copy !req
286. "Do" as in...?Copy !req
287. "Do" as in tolerate, be around, touch,Copy !req
288. and definitely as in let them claw
their monstery way out of our vagina.Copy !req
289. Well, let's put a pin in that.Copy !req
290. Eww!Copy !req
291. Wait, put a pin in what?Copy !req
292. What?Copy !req
293. What is wrong with you?Copy !req
294. - And where are the other two —
- Right here, spacenuts.Copy !req
295. Pamela, stop!Copy !req
296. Your queen commands you!Copy !req
297. Oh please, you're not fit
to be queen of... name a place.Copy !req
298. Lidsville.Copy !req
299. And Drake, you can forget
all about your crazy little...Copy !req
300. Martian sex-cult!Copy !req
301. It's not — don't
you people get it?Copy !req
302. Earth is doomed!Copy !req
303. Mankind's only hope for survival
is to find a new home on Mars,Copy !req
304. and I'm the only man alive
who can lead us there!Copy !req
305. - I'm like, like —
- Oh, Jesus Christ...
- Well,Copy !req
306. - I think a more apt analogy would be Moses, but —
- Drop your weapon!Copy !req
307. Make me!Copy !req
308. No, don't make her, c'mon...
Pam?Copy !req
309. - Pam, shoot.
- Mother!Copy !req
310. Malory!Copy !req
311. Pam.Copy !req
312. - And she'll do it, too...
- She'll do anythingCopy !req
313. to keep us from the throne
which is our birthright!Copy !req
314. Ew, birth.Copy !req
315. Alright!Copy !req
316. Wh-? No no no!
What're you doing?Copy !req
317. No, no!Copy !req
318. Even if they kill me, they
can never kill our dream!Copy !req
319. - Mars —
- Hang on, sorry, one sec.Copy !req
320. Drones? You wanna...?Copy !req
321. Thank you, thank you, thanks a lot.Copy !req
322. There is no Mars without you, Tony.Copy !req
323. I'm sorry.Copy !req
324. Sorry?Copy !req
325. You're sorry?Copy !req
326. You just singlehandedly doomed mankind!Copy !req
327. Hey, even so, black astronaut,
that's still pretty huge.Copy !req
328. It actually is.Copy !req
329. And at least your own mother
didn't just play chicken with your life!Copy !req
330. Self-burn.Copy !req
331. Cyril! Okay, Drake.Copy !req
332. You are going to fly us back to
Earth, to stand trial for...Copy !req
333. whatever, space-piracy.Copy !req
334. No man can judge me.Copy !req
335. - Well, you say that...
- Mars foreverrrrrr!Copy !req
336. Aaaaaaaaghhhh!Copy !req
337. Suppressing fiiiiiiire!Copy !req
338. I think I got 'em!Copy !req
339. Did I get 'em?Copy !req
340. You did.Copy !req
341. You got those two guys, who were
just minding their own business...Copy !req
342. Ooh! And also the one remaining person
who could fly us back to Earth!Copy !req
343. A black astronaut, Cyril!Copy !req
344. That's like killing a unicorn!Copy !req
345. Aw, crapsnacks!Copy !req
346. - How could this get —
- Don't! Say it!Copy !req
347. Do not say it!Copy !req
348. Gone to outer spaaaace, to
shoot that dickbag in his faaaace!Copy !req
349. Hang on, Other Barry.Copy !req
350. This is Barry.Copy !req
351. Hey, pumpkin pie!Copy !req
352. I — whatsat?Copy !req
353. No, I'm in... London, for — whaaat?Copy !req
354. Katya, pumpkin, I promised I'd
stop trying to kill Archer.Copy !req
355. Yes, both Barrys promised!Copy !req
356. What? Wait, what's wrong with the
sofa we already — ooh, hey, hon?Copy !req
357. You're breaking up.Copy !req
358. - Doo doo doo doo dooooo...
- Any worse.Copy !req
359. Is what I was gonna say.Copy !req
360. Really?Copy !req
361. Yes.Copy !req
362. Oh my God, are you kidding me?Copy !req
363. Brrring!Copy !req
364. Hello, is this airboats?Copy !req
365. Yeah hi, it's me, Spacebot.Copy !req
366. What?Copy !req
367. Oh, just lifting a thousand pounds
like it's an apple, no big deal...Copy !req
368. Archer!Copy !req
369. Quit screwing around with the robot
and shut the damn airlock already!Copy !req
370. Five more minutes!Copy !req
371. - God...
- What's the hurry?Copy !req
372. - We're all going to die up here anyway...
- We're gonna diiiiiie!Copy !req
373. We're not gonna die!Copy !req
374. Stop crying!Copy !req
375. And for what it's worth, I think you
would've made a great Martian queen.Copy !req
376. Duh!Copy !req
377. - Okay...
- Uh, so Trish?Copy !req
378. What.Copy !req
379. - Still with the tone...
- Okay, the airlock's closed! Happy?Copy !req
380. So, seriously?Copy !req
381. None of you guys know how to fly this thing?Copy !req
382. No! We're scientists!Copy !req
383. We never even trained on the simulator!Copy !req
384. The simulator!Copy !req
385. Guys, I can fly us home!Copy !req
386. I will fly us home!Copy !req
387. Wait, what is this?Copy !req
388. And that?Copy !req
389. But right now this?Copy !req
390. - He was really good in the simulator...
- Yeah, right up until he crashed it!Copy !req
391. Thanks to you and your stupid fire extinguisher!Copy !req
392. - Right?
- Okay, then it's settled.Copy !req
393. So Trish, Horizon is
self-sustaining, right?Copy !req
394. - Duh.
- Well then have fun.Copy !req
395. Wait wait wait!Copy !req
396. Nevermind, I'm sure somebody's
gonna feed the farm animals.Copy !req
397. Cyril, you're in command, try not to kill us.Copy !req
398. Everybody else, strap in.Copy !req
399. - Reeeally...
- I said in!Copy !req
400. Not on!Copy !req
401. Oh.Copy !req
402. And ew.Copy !req
403. And — Malory.Copy !req
404. I'm going into stasis.Copy !req
405. Wake me up when we're on the ground.Copy !req
406. Preferably above seventy-second street.Copy !req
407. What is that, who's got beer?Copy !req
408. Arrcherrr!Copy !req
409. Wh-?Copy !req
410. Come out to plaay-yaaay!Copy !req
411. Barry?Copy !req
412. C'mon out, Archer!Copy !req
413. I'd come in, but...
Who built this door, space-dwarves?Copy !req
414. Okay, Barry!Copy !req
415. Forgetting, for the moment,
how you found me here...!Copy !req
416. You wanna finish this?Copy !req
417. I do, yeah.Copy !req
418. That's why I'm here.Copy !req
419. Not for long, you're not!Copy !req
420. Where do you think you're going?Copy !req
421. Uh, this place called to kill Barry?Copy !req
422. Are you — every time
y'all fight he beats you likeCopy !req
423. the redheaded stepchild of a rented mule!Copy !req
424. No he doesn't.Copy !req
425. yes, yes he does.Copy !req
426. No no, wait!Copy !req
427. Look look look!Copy !req
428. Hang on!Copy !req
429. Here, look, check it out!Copy !req
430. You can wear this!Copy !req
431. - Oh my God...
- Right?Copy !req
432. Evil cyborg versus Spacebot. Love it.Copy !req
433. This is gonna be — and I hate
this word, but — this is gonna be epic!Copy !req
434. - Hang on I'll be right —
- He can't get in here.Copy !req
435. So the only reason to go out there, is your ego.Copy !req
436. Not just my ego, Lana!Copy !req
437. Spacebot's ego!Copy !req
438. - And a giant ass-whippin...
- I can take him!Copy !req
439. Please!
We just want to go home!Copy !req
440. - But, Spacebot...
- Jesus, think about somebody else forCopy !req
441. once in your life!Copy !req
442. And that's her saying that.Copy !req
443. Exactly.Copy !req
444. - Domo arigato, Archer Robot-o...
- Uh, Barry?Copy !req
445. Yo!Copy !req
446. Let's get it on, brotha!Copy !req
447. I, uh... can't.Copy !req
448. Get it on.Copy !req
449. - What?
- Maybe next time, sorry.Copy !req
450. Hey, don't do that, don't apologize...
I mean, if you're havingCopy !req
451. a legitimate problem with your vagina...
that you have between your legsCopy !req
452. in lieu a penis, I completely understand
and you need to deal with that.Copy !req
453. Honestly, we can do this again.Copy !req
454. - Grrrggrrk...
- Archer?Copy !req
455. Next time, Barry.Copy !req
456. - Sterling, I know I may not say this very often —
- Or ever.Copy !req
457. Well congratulations, you ruined it.Copy !req
458. But I'm still very proud of you.Copy !req
459. - Aww...
- Ass.Copy !req
460. Docking coupler.
Disengaging.Copy !req
461. Okay folks.Copy !req
462. Next stop, planet Earth!Copy !req
463. Just try not to kill us all, Cyril!Copy !req
464. Mother, please!Copy !req
465. Don't listen to her, Cyril,
you're gonna do great.Copy !req
466. Thanks, Archer.Copy !req
467. - And just for that...
- What're you doing?Copy !req
468. You'll see.Copy !req
469. Ignition.Copy !req
470. Noooooooooooooooooo!Copy !req
471. Ha!Copy !req
472. Now who's got a vagina problem!Copy !req
473. - Me.
- Ew.Copy !req
474. How am I gonna get home!Copy !req
475. Fifty meters.Copy !req
476. You're doing great, Cyril!Copy !req
477. Almost there... almost... there!Copy !req
478. Yeah, so lemme take this baby on in.Copy !req
479. What're you—?Copy !req
480. - Archer, stop it!
- Lemme land it!Copy !req
481. Archer! You had like, an actual
moment of self-awareness in space, so —Copy !req
482. So I deserve to land the goddamn spaceship!Copy !req
483. Ten meters.Copy !req
484. Sink rate, sink rate.Copy !req
485. Uh, actually Cyril, It's all you buddy?Copy !req
486. You got it.Copy !req
487. Item four.Copy !req
488. Until further notice, no more health
insurance claims will be accepted.Copy !req
489. Awe, c'mon.Copy !req
490. Well don't blame me!Copy !req
491. Yeah, Cyril crashed the damn thing.Copy !req
492. Oh come on!Copy !req
493. Ray, what's the big deal?Copy !req
494. You already had the chair!Copy !req
495. Hey, did I tell you guys I got a goat.Copy !req
496. Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
BluRay resync by AtrusCopy !req