1. She's battled ivory poachers,
raging rivers, even tuberculosis.Copy !req
2. And now, Oscar-winner Rona Thorne
takes on the CIA and the KGB...Copy !req
3. in Dietrich Viener's
new thriller, Disavowed.Copy !req
4. Oh, my God. It's going to be amazing.Copy !req
5. I play a spy
accused of being a double agent...Copy !req
6. so she has to clear her name.
I read Dietrich's script, I was like:Copy !req
7. "Look at me." I was like, "Whoa!"
Ha, ha.Copy !req
8. So it's going to be amazing.Copy !req
9. Oh, my God, she's amazing.Copy !req
10. Eh, I don't know.
Because you're an idiot.Copy !req
11. Who obviously never
saw River's Rage.Copy !req
12. I saw it, but I Was like, "Eh..."Copy !req
13. Wha—? Are you nuts? That scene
where her baby gets swept away?Copy !req
14. Bawled so hard they made me leave,
never saw the ending.Copy !req
15. Well, they find the baby—
Aah! Don't tell me.Copy !req
16. Dead.
Damn it.Copy !req
17. Jammed up under a log.Copy !req
18. Oh, and that wet clingy shirt
she wears the whole time?Copy !req
19. Nippletown.Copy !req
20. Oh, my God,
that river was so cold.Copy !req
21. Why are we screaming?
Do you know who you are?Copy !req
22. I do. Ha, I do, I do, I do.Copy !req
23. I'm supposed to be
meeting Malory Archer, so...Copy !req
24. Come in, dear.
Come in.Copy !req
25. The rest of you, don't you have
something better to do...Copy !req
26. than stand around all day
and shriek?Copy !req
27. No.
Nope.Copy !req
28. I'm sorry. That sounded like no.
Lana, she has to research her role.Copy !req
29. This isn't
the sheriff's department...Copy !req
30. where you wear a Windbreaker
and go on a ride-along.Copy !req
31. This is highly classified covert ops.
Yes. Covert ops.Copy !req
32. This is exactly the kind of
spy lingo I wanna soak up.Copy !req
33. What part of "highly classified"
do you not understand?Copy !req
34. All of it.Copy !req
35. That's why I'm here doing research,
so you can teach me.Copy !req
36. Which she'll be
happy to do.Copy !req
37. Wait a minute.
What are you getting out of this?Copy !req
38. Nothing. Well, apart from a small
consideration from the studio.Copy !req
39. Uh-huh.
Which we're still negotiating, but...Copy !req
40. Who's your agent, by the way?
He's not taking new clients.Copy !req
41. And, Lana, please, you have to,
have to, have to help me.Copy !req
42. I don't, don't, don't. And I'm not—
Not really qualified.Copy !req
43. I'm sorry?
It's not your fault, Lana.Copy !req
44. I, on the other hand,
am qualified...Copy !req
45. since I happen to be
the world's greatest secret agent.Copy !req
46. Uh, but you're a man.
And then some.Copy !req
47. So, obviously, he can't give you...Copy !req
48. a woman's perspective
like I can.Copy !req
49. So, yes, I will be happy to help you.
What?Copy !req
50. Oh, my God, this is gonna be amazing.Copy !req
51. You're just doing this to spite me.
And?Copy !req
52. I should be teaching Rona Thorne
how to be a secret agent, not Lana.Copy !req
53. "Woman's perspective."
I mean...Copy !req
54. I'm so obviously the best agent. Duh.
How could she pick Lana over me?Copy !req
55. The mind fairly boggles.Copy !req
56. Exactly. Wait, was that sarcasm?
No, sir.Copy !req
57. Oh, good,
because your opinion matters.Copy !req
58. And since you seem unclear
on the concept...Copy !req
59. that was sarcasm.Copy !req
60. Well played, sir.
Thank you.Copy !req
61. Thank you.Copy !req
62. The minute this interferes...Copy !req
63. with my real assignments,
we are finished.Copy !req
64. Oh, my God, totally. Yes.Copy !req
65. I mean, I'm just acting,
but your work is so— So vital.Copy !req
66. It is, but—
Don't do that. I am so—Copy !req
67. Look at me, I am so inspired by you.Copy !req
68. Wow, I— Really?Copy !req
69. Oh, my God, you're like the epitome
of an empowered woman.Copy !req
70. If I can bring even one-tenth
of your strength...Copy !req
71. and sexiness
to my character...Copy !req
72. Oh, my God.Copy !req
73. Ha, ha, you're kidding.
And just what exactly is so funny?Copy !req
74. Uh, it's just—
It's hard to picture you as a young actress.Copy !req
75. For your information—
A young anything.Copy !req
76. My acting career— Shut up.Copy !req
77. —Was really taking off.Copy !req
78. I was on my way to a callback
for a TV commercial...Copy !req
79. doing the crossword on the 41 bus
and a man leans over and says:Copy !req
80. "if you like puzzles,
I may have a job for you."Copy !req
81. And guess who he was.Copy !req
82. Wild Bill Donovan.
Wild Bill Donovan, head of the OSS.Copy !req
83. Three weeks later I was in Tunisia,
killing a man.Copy !req
84. But I always wondered,
what if I had gotten that commercial?Copy !req
85. Guess that Tunisian guy
would still be alive.Copy !req
86. He was German.Copy !req
87. And this character,
Gerald Martin, the CIA director-Copy !req
88. Why couldn't that be Geraldine Martin?
No, no, that's awful.Copy !req
89. Uh... Ooh. Malory!Copy !req
90. But not Martin, something like Steele,
because she's a very strong woman who—Copy !req
91. Who will remember that
at bonus time!Copy !req
92. And she's also having a torrid affair
with one of her sexy young agents...Copy !req
93. who's black.Copy !req
94. Ha, ha. Oh, my God, that is amazing!Copy !req
95. And that was a lot better.Copy !req
96. Ahh.
At least that time you fired downrange.Copy !req
97. And, oh, my God, seriously,
I am so really super sorry about that.Copy !req
98. Totally my fault.Copy !req
99. Buy a suit at Bergdorf's,
send the bill to my manager.Copy !req
100. I will take you up on that.Copy !req
101. Right after I go
to the hospital.Copy !req
102. Oh, my God, if I, like...Copy !req
103. possessed the capacity
to be embarrassed...Copy !req
104. Eh, I shouldn't have started
you off with a fully auto.Copy !req
105. Let's see what we have
in a semiautomatic.Copy !req
106. Well, that's no good.
Uh—Copy !req
107. What's not?
Your stance, you're fighting yourself.Copy !req
108. Excuse me?
You're rigid and stiff...Copy !req
109. which, you know, I'm all for,
heh-heh, rimshot, but not on the range.Copy !req
110. You gotta relax. Let your weapon
be an extension of your body.Copy !req
111. Oh, my God.Copy !req
112. Aw. I meant to make a frowny face.Copy !req
113. But, hey, speaking of your body
and my body and stiffness—Copy !req
114. Ow!Copy !req
115. What the hell, Lana!Copy !req
116. I guess that really hurt.Copy !req
117. What?Copy !req
118. You should have
ear protection.Copy !req
119. Yeah, ha-ha-ha. Grown-ups.
Keep moving your lips without...Copy !req
120. Mawp—Copy !req
121. Excuse me. Mah—Copy !req
122. Can you believe I used to date him?Copy !req
123. And— Wait, what?
Yes. And I bet he cheated on you.Copy !req
124. Just like I bet every one of your
boyfriends has, all the way back to—Copy !req
125. Sorry, but I assume you were
just an insanely gawky teenager?Copy !req
126. There was some mild gawkiness, but—
Which you never got over...Copy !req
127. which is why, please don't hate me,
you're teeming with insecurities.Copy !req
128. When you totally shouldn't be.
Ha, ha, I'm not.Copy !req
129. You're gorgeous and smart— Have you read
Unleashing the Me by Reinhart Schmoll?Copy !req
130. Uh— I haven't.
Ooh, you have to read it.Copy !req
131. Take my copy,
it'll change your life and—Copy !req
132. Oh, and you have to start keeping a journal.
Uh...Copy !req
133. Hey, where's my journal?Copy !req
134. Um, I maybe kind of
slightly took it.Copy !req
135. Wha—?
Why would you do that?Copy !req
136. Did you think it was meat?
I—Copy !req
137. Shut up. I wanted to see
what she's really like.Copy !req
138. Give me that. Little Miss Invasion
of the Privacy Snatchers.Copy !req
139. Oh, come on. Haven't you ever snooped
on somebody you thought was dreamy?Copy !req
140. No. Well, except Randy Muckier...Copy !req
141. who turns out was just leading me on
to get out of the draft.Copy !req
142. So I made a phone call to the draft board.
Now who's laughing, Mr. Hooks for Hands?Copy !req
143. Did—?
A booby trap blew his arms off.Copy !req
144. He said it was in a coconut.Copy !req
145. Mawp— Mawp—Copy !req
146. Oh, yeah, please. Keep gawking
at the deaf person. Mawp—Copy !req
147. Ugh, deaf people are gross.
Not as gross as the hook-hand ones.Copy !req
148. Eh...Copy !req
149. I don't know.Copy !req
150. Mawp, mawp, mawp.
Yeah. Stop. Quit doing that.Copy !req
151. What?
Stop. Not helping.Copy !req
152. Is that helping? Fricking Lana.
Stop.Copy !req
153. I mean, even for her, this is over the line.
She's gonna wish I was never born.Copy !req
154. Just gonna softball it in like that?
Mawp— What?Copy !req
155. I'm sorry?
I said, "Come in here, I need your help."Copy !req
156. But I'm on my way
to a SexAnon meeting.Copy !req
157. Which is exactly why I need you.
You—Copy !req
158. Oh, no. Please, Miss Archer, I—
Wha—? Don't flatter yourself.Copy !req
159. I'm talking about this,
the script for Disavowed.Copy !req
160. Oh. "Cut to Malory Steele, the 5Oish
and incredibly sexy CIA director..."Copy !req
161. Spy comedy?
What? No.Copy !req
162. Because that has been done.
It's a taut, sexy thriller.Copy !req
163. Or it will be, if I could just get all
the taut, sexy bits in the right order.Copy !req
164. Yikes, yeah. You can't have a flashback
with a flash-forward in it, that's—Copy !req
165. That's where you come in.
—bad writing.Copy !req
166. Because I wangled a call
with the studio execs...Copy !req
167. and I think I can sell them
on a rewrite if you fix it.Copy !req
168. For starters, I don't think
you wanna say this guy...Copy !req
169. is "as coal black and thick-muscled
as a field hand."Copy !req
170. I don't need you for content,
just for plot structure.Copy !req
171. Yeah, but racist overtones aside,
it really limits your casting options.Copy !req
172. I mean, only two, three guys
could play that.Copy !req
173. You just have to find the guy
who's not intimidated by your power.Copy !req
174. Or my twin TEC-9s.Copy !req
175. Or those big, steam-shovelly
scoops you call hands.Copy !req
176. Wha—?
I'm kidding. Look at me.Copy !req
177. That's the gawky 6-foot teenager
everybody cheats on...Copy !req
178. not the embodiment of sexy, empowered
womanhood that you've become.Copy !req
179. You really think
I'm sexy and empowered?Copy !req
180. Oh, uh— You're like
a brown Boudicca.Copy !req
181. Who I wrote an amazing poem about in—
Damn, I wish I could find my journal.Copy !req
182. So then it's settled.
We're a go on Operation—Copy !req
183. Ooh. What should we call it?
Dick Sledge.Copy !req
184. You wanna...?
No, but it's like sour milk.Copy !req
185. You just gotta take a whiff.Copy !req
186. What's the story,
neckbones?Copy !req
187. Sophomore year at my stupid college,
I had a crush on the quarterback...Copy !req
188. this super hot guy
named Dick Sledge.Copy !req
189. Sploosh.
Jinx.Copy !req
190. I was invisible. He wouldn't even
sign my cast when I broke my own arm.Copy !req
191. But I thought if I knew what he liked,
then I'd have an in.Copy !req
192. So one Saturday when he had a game...Copy !req
193. I broke into his room
to see what music he was into...Copy !req
194. or turtles or roll around
in his clothes, or whatever—Copy !req
195. But you were so busy sniffing his jock,
you didn't hear him come in.Copy !req
196. Because he totally snuck up on me.Copy !req
197. Then I guess I blacked out.
I don't remember stabbing him.Copy !req
198. What? Why'd you have a knife?
I didn't.Copy !req
199. It was his stupid pair of scissors.Copy !req
200. And it was his fault for grabbing me
with his throwing hand.Copy !req
201. That's how his tendon got severed.Copy !req
202. Holy shit snacks.
Yeah. They said he could've gone pro.Copy !req
203. So glossing over why you broke your arm—
So he'd sign my cast.Copy !req
204. —What exactly
is your point?Copy !req
205. Duh. Just break into Rona's apartment
and put her stupid journal somewhere.Copy !req
206. Hey, yeah.
Nope.Copy !req
207. Why not'?
Because it's just not believable...Copy !req
208. that this guy—
Who, also, cannot be named Cassius.Copy !req
209. Oh, you don't—
—would risk his career...Copy !req
210. for a woman twice his age.
So make her 40.Copy !req
211. Yeah, and who's gonna play her?Copy !req
212. Me. That's the whole point.Copy !req
213. You do realize there's a finite supply
of Vaseline in the universe?Copy !req
214. Cw!
Type! NerdCopy !req
215. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
Mawp. But I'm under a lot of stress.Copy !req
216. And we're not? Tsk, you got any idea
how much I got on my plate?Copy !req
217. You know...
What?Copy !req
218. I could've crushed that.
Come on, let me help. What you got?Copy !req
219. Picking up chatter about
a bomb threat in the Middle East.Copy !req
220. Who cares? I'm talking local.Copy !req
221. Yes. Yes. See, this is—Copy !req
222. Wow, single-space,
you wanna broad-stroke it for me?Copy !req
223. Kolchenko, the new Soviet premier,
is scheduled to give a speech at the UN...Copy !req
224. in favor of strategic arms limitations,
but the hardliners in the KGB—Copy !req
225. Hey, who am I, Kissinger?
Broad strokes.Copy !req
226. The KG-B's gonna shoot this prick
as he walks into the UN.Copy !req
227. And?
And what?Copy !req
228. Was that so hard?Copy !req
229. Count Snackula?Copy !req
230. No, shut up. We go in, drop the journal
and get out. No snooping.Copy !req
231. Oh, come on, I just wanna see if me
and her have stuff in common, like—Copy !req
232. Tons of cock porn laying around?
I don't have cock porn just laying around.Copy !req
233. But sometimes, you know,
you forget it's in the VCR.Copy !req
234. How do you forget—?
You rub one out, flip back to regular TV...Copy !req
235. Superstars is on, and all of a sudden
here's Joe Frazier's dumb ass drowning...Copy !req
236. you forget it's in there.Copy !req
237. Until Mom and Dad come to visit
to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's disease.Copy !req
238. Why would you think it's okay
to share that?Copy !req
239. Why are you idiots in the armory?Copy !req
240. And give me those.
Hey, we're using those.Copy !req
241. No, you're not. All this equipment
is for field operatives only.Copy !req
242. Now, beat it. I'm on a mission.Copy !req
243. You're not our supervisor.
Shut up.Copy !req
244. We're on a mission too.
Da-da-da—Copy !req
245. We're breaking into Rona's apartment
to hide the journal Pam stole.Copy !req
246. You're kidding.
No.Copy !req
247. There's a sniper out there
who could spark World War Ill...Copy !req
248. and you idiots are tying up
ISIS resources on high school bullshit.Copy !req
249. No.
Yes.Copy !req
250. I don't see a downside to that,
Archer-wise.Copy !req
251. Here, load up. Should be a big box
of grenades here somewhere.Copy !req
252. Where? Tell me where Pinch Two
is supposed to go, and I'll—Copy !req
253. Act Two.
Act Two is wall-to-wall...Copy !req
254. with this love story
you're making me shoehorn—Copy !req
255. The forbidden love between Malory
and Cassius is central to the plot.Copy !req
256. Oh, for the love of—Copy !req
257. Why don't you just make it
a shot-for-shot remake of Mandingo.Copy !req
258. Uh, I hate to interrupt,
but I'm off on a dangerous mission.Copy !req
259. That's what people wanna see.Copy !req
260. Not Granny gets jungle fever.
Huh! Get out.Copy !req
261. But even though it's super-dangerous,
I'm preventing World War Ill, so...Copy !req
262. Wait, what?
Uh, nothing, no big deal.Copy !req
263. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Nope.Copy !req
264. Oh, my God, strong and sexy.
Gotta get by.Copy !req
265. Amazing.Copy !req
266. Will you shut up?Copy !req
267. If you don't mind,
I have to stop KGB snipers...Copy !req
268. from assassinating the Soviet
premier as he enters the UN.Copy !req
269. Now, there's a Pinch Two.
That's pretty good.Copy !req
270. You're not taking this.
You never qualified as a counter-sniper.Copy !req
271. I would have.Copy !req
272. You know,
if I'd gone to the thing.Copy !req
273. If your aunt had balls, she'd be your uncle.
What?Copy !req
274. There's your Pinch Two.
So I'll just be taking these.Copy !req
275. And me.
Nope.Copy !req
276. Lana, please,
this is perfect for my role.Copy !req
277. No way.
You have to.Copy !req
278. This is the real thing, Rona.
Which is why it's a job for a man.Copy !req
279. Which is why shut up because I and Rona,
am and are taking the mission.Copy !req
280. Oh, my God, this is gonna be—
Don't say it. I swear to God.Copy !req
281. Amazing.Copy !req
282. Isn't this amazing?
Not really, no.Copy !req
283. I wish I'd let Archer take this one.Copy !req
284. But we're, like, keeping
the world free for democracy—Copy !req
285. Not if I can't take out the KGB sniper team
who God knows where they are.Copy !req
286. There's about
a bajillion hide sites around here.Copy !req
287. And a hidden transmitter
in your rifle scope.Copy !req
288. You dumb idiot.Copy !req
289. I'm sorry?
You should be.Copy !req
290. Look, I took this call
as a courtesy to Rona, okay?Copy !req
291. Which now I'm regretting because
what kind of farkarkte bullshit is this?Copy !req
292. I beg your—?
Disavowed is a spy thriller.Copy !req
293. Which is why we want to change the title—
To what, Mandingo ll?Copy !req
294. Wait, hang on. Hang on. Jeannie!
What?Copy !req
295. Anybody doing a Mandingo sequel?
When can you get me a treatment?Copy !req
296. Two weeks.
You got a week.Copy !req
297. We're calling it
Mandingo ll: The Enslavening.Copy !req
298. Well, Cyril? We did it.
Yeah, we kind of did, didn't we?Copy !req
299. A taut, sexy thriller.Copy !req
300. Oh, yes. Take me.
Mm, mm.Copy !req
301. Oh, take me, Cassius.
Mm.Copy !req
302. Oh, my God, you seem really tense.Copy !req
303. You know what I do when I'm tense?Copy !req
304. No, but I bet you're gonna tell us.Copy !req
305. Kelp tape.
What?Copy !req
306. It's amazing, like, kung-fu monks
make this 50-foot tape.Copy !req
307. Like a cloth measuring tape, but it's kelp.
Uh...Copy !req
308. You swallow it over, like, three days
and you start to, you know, pass it...Copy !req
309. then you just slowly, slowly pull it out
of you over three more days.Copy !req
310. Wait, what?
It pulls all the toxins out of your body...Copy !req
311. and you just feel,
ahh, so clean.Copy !req
312. Oh, yeah? While you're tangled up
in a half-mile of shit-covered tape?Copy !req
313. Heh. Fricking actresses.Copy !req
314. All right, time for a little
tension relief of my own.Copy !req
315. You know what else is great? Colonies.
Shut up.Copy !req
316. I got a window opening up—
There's another one.Copy !req
317. This is so exciting.Copy !req
318. And another one.
Shit, and another.Copy !req
319. That's not all.
If you order now, you'll also receive...Copy !req
320. No way.Copy !req
321. Yup. He's down.Copy !req
322. But not forgotten. Come, Kriegerbots.Copy !req
323. Avenge your fallen comrade.Copy !req
324. What voice is that? Is that from Bullwinkle?Copy !req
325. Damn it, they're everywhere.
There's too many, I can't—Copy !req
326. Tell me how to help.Copy !req
327. Shut up and grab that scope
and tell me where they are.Copy !req
328. Uh, okay. There's a nice way to do that.
Ugh. Will you just—?Copy !req
329. Okay, there's a—
Wait, no, there's— Ahh.Copy !req
330. Oh, my God, I can see my penthouse.Copy !req
331. Well, unless there's a sniper in it.
Well, somebody's in it.Copy !req
332. Who the **** is
in my ******* penthouse?Copy !req
333. We are.
We're complying.Copy !req
334. You. Get your f ricking hands up.
You're not my supervisor.Copy !req
335. We're gonna go to prison.
No, we're not.Copy !req
336. Say the right stuff and they send you
to a mental hospital.Copy !req
337. I just this second realized why you
do macramé instead of knitting.Copy !req
338. No sharp objects on the ward.
They were super strict about that.Copy !req
339. Who was—?
She's got a weapon. Drop it.Copy !req
340. You're not my supervisor!
God.Copy !req
341. Damn him. I told him no parties.Copy !req
342. Give me. Give me it.
What the shit?Copy !req
343. Give me. Give me it.
Rona, stop. This is a serious— Ow!Copy !req
344. —Situation.Copy !req
345. I know and, oh, my God, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
346. Please, please, don't hate me.
Uh...Copy !req
347. What's wrong with me?Copy !req
348. It's tetrodotoxin
from the fugu fish.Copy !req
349. What?
Yeah, what?Copy !req
350. I'm a Russian sleeper, silly.
Jesus, Lana, how did you not see that?Copy !req
351. But you're a famous Hollywood actress
for, like, many years.Copy !req
352. How is that possible?Copy !req
353. Oh, fun. I never get to tell this.Copy !req
354. Okay, well, my parents were sleepers
in L.A., still are. Love them.Copy !req
355. And we were encouraged to,
you know, blend.Copy !req
356. And so I ended up being an actress.Copy !req
357. But it's so unnecessarily elaborate.
Oh.Copy !req
358. Oh, my God, I know, but the lengths
they go to, look at me, you have no idea.Copy !req
359. ls my new favorite device of ever.Copy !req
360. I mean it. With the schnoz and comb-over...Copy !req
361. you're a dead ringer
for Karl Malden.Copy !req
362. Come on, buddy.Copy !req
363. Lana, hush.Copy !req
364. If you sit quietly, the poison
should wear off in, like, four hours.Copy !req
365. Huh?
But if you struggle, your heart could-Copy !req
366. Freeze! Wait, where'd she—? Oh, shit!
And we wouldn't want that.Copy !req
367. Damn it.
Archer, look out.Copy !req
368. Nice warning, stupid.Copy !req
369. There's Kolchenko's motorcade. Oh!Copy !req
370. This'd be such an amazing finish
for Disavowed.Copy !req
371. So bummed I won't be able to work
on it now. Oh, my God, on anything.Copy !req
372. Oh, my God,
I won't be famous any more.Copy !req
373. I don't know. Oswald's pretty famous.Copy !req
374. Not in a good way.Copy !req
375. Oh, my God, and the money?Copy !req
376. Last year, I took home almost 200 grand.
Eh.Copy !req
377. In gift bags.
Oh.Copy !req
378. Yeah, you think?Copy !req
379. Now some guys
in some country I've never been to...Copy !req
380. expect me to throw all that away
for some lame, whatever, ideology?Copy !req
381. So don't do it.
I know, right? Is that crazy?Copy !req
382. Totally.
But if I do...Copy !req
383. there's some amazing stuff
happening in Soviet cinema.Copy !req
384. And they promised me
I could direct.Copy !req
385. Uh, uh...Copy !req
386. Yeah. Kolchenko's down.
Oh, that is so gross.Copy !req
387. Huh, that's gross? You use shrimp tape.Copy !req
388. Kelp tape. Oh, and, Lana, promise me
you'll try it, especially after this.Copy !req
389. Mm.
It really pulls the toxins out.Copy !req
390. Oh, and please read
The Unleashing of Me.Copy !req
391. And please, please, please.
Mm?Copy !req
392. Don't beat yourself up
over this.Copy !req
393. You are a sexy, empowered woman.
Mmm.Copy !req
394. Oh, and speaking of,
wish me luck on my directing career...Copy !req
395. which is gonna be—
Don't say it.Copy !req
396. —amazing.Copy !req
397. I'm out.Copy !req
398. How long did she say this will last?
Four hours.Copy !req
399. Oh, my— You're getting off on this.Copy !req
400. And?Copy !req