1. I am the target.Copy !req
2. I am the target.Copy !req
3. I am the target.
Ugh!Copy !req
4. Then go already!
Bag with which one douches.Copy !req
5. Sorry, what's that?
Miss it.Copy !req
6. I can't hear you...Copy !req
7. All right.
over the sound...Copy !req
8. Come on.
Really?Copy !req
9. Of my deafening awesomeness.Copy !req
10. Come on.
Suck it, women.Copy !req
11. Oh, my God, I hate him so much.
What a dick.Copy !req
12. Three hundred bucks.
Damn it.Copy !req
13. Come render the salad unto Caesar.
Yeah.Copy !req
14. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh-uh.Copy !req
15. Yes.
We're still in the lead.Copy !req
16. Check it out. Look.
Well, yeah, but just by one.Copy !req
17. And?
And Cyril's got three throws left...Copy !req
18. to get two measly points...
Ha, ha. Yeah.Copy !req
19. For the win.
Exactly.Copy !req
20. Are you shitting me?
Will you shut up?Copy !req
21. Ignore him.
Oh, my God.Copy !req
22. Forget those first two darts
and just find your center.Copy !req
23. Maybe it's in your vagina, right?
What is?Copy !req
24. Come on, Cyril. What's the matter?Copy !req
25. Can't perform under pressure?
I...Copy !req
26. Could you repeat that, please?
Onomatopoeia.Copy !req
27. Uh...Copy !req
28. O-N-O...Copy !req
29. M-O-T-O...Copy !req
30. Pee?Copy !req
31. Jeezy Petes.Copy !req
32. You idiot. How could you miss that?Copy !req
33. How could he not? He's Cyril.Copy !req
34. Come on, gals. Pammy Pam is buying.Copy !req
35. Way to go, Chokely Carmichael.Copy !req
36. Pam. Pam, wait up.Copy !req
37. Come on, get me drunk enough,
I might have sex with you.Copy !req
38. Really?
No.Copy !req
39. It's a catch-22.Copy !req
40. The amount of alcohol I'd need...Copy !req
41. would literally kill me.
Dick.Copy !req
42. I wanna see how many pool balls
you can fit in your mouth.Copy !req
43. My record's three.Copy !req
44. Oh, come on, buddy.
You want a drink?Copy !req
45. No, I—
Not even some vinegar and water?Copy !req
46. With friends like that, eh'?
Huh?Copy !req
47. Your friends.
Well, they're not really my friends.Copy !req
48. We just work together. Oh, hello.Copy !req
49. At ISIS, you said?Copy !req
50. No, I didn't say that.
Well, somebody must have.Copy !req
51. Champagne?
George, by the way. George Spelvin.Copy !req
52. Cyril Figgis.
Good.Copy !req
53. And thank you.Copy !req
54. No, thank me tomorrow.Copy !req
55. After Cyril Figgis saves the day.Copy !req
56. I don't know what mother is so mad about.
God, Pam, would you hurry up.Copy !req
57. Would you shut up?Copy !req
58. Fricking head's pounding,
I'm sweating booze...Copy !req
59. and my mouth is killing me.
You stuffed four pool balls in it.Copy !req
60. Personal best.
Your mother must be so proud.Copy !req
61. Yeah. Oh, wait, she's dead.Copy !req
62. And what is up with your mother?Copy !req
63. Uh, what comes after infuriated?Copy !req
64. Great. That's just what I need,
coming off a blackout drunk.Copy !req
65. Yeah, the last thing I remember was...Copy !req
66. I don't know.
Were we super bitchy to Cyril?Copy !req
67. Probably.
Yeah.Copy !req
68. Great. Now he's gonna be
moping around...Copy !req
69. like Droopy Dog on downers
for the day.Copy !req
70. Hey. Morning, gang.Copy !req
71. Jeez, Archer,
what's got your mom so worked up?Copy !req
72. This! Krieger.Copy !req
73. Hunch, hunch.Copy !req
74. And the damn thing is spreading,
to every computer in the office.Copy !req
75. Ha-ha-ha.
Do you think this is funny?Copy !req
76. Do you not?
Nobody can do any work.Copy !req
77. Yeah. So can we go home, or—
Absolutely.Copy !req
78. Right after you idiots deworm
the entire computer network.Copy !req
79. Oh, come on.
Seriously?Copy !req
80. How are we supposed to do that?
Well, I could take a crack at it.Copy !req
81. Duh-duh-duh! Don't touch it.
I know—Copy !req
82. Cyril, go do whatever it is you do.
But—Copy !req
83. Like suck at stuff.
And leave this to people...Copy !req
84. who are more qualified.
At not sucking at stuff.Copy !req
85. But I—
Cyril, just beat it. Krieger is on this.Copy !req
86. I think.Copy !req
87. At least, I have a:Copy !req
88. COMPUTER PIRATE
Hunch, hunch.Copy !req
89. What, what?
What, what?Copy !req
90. Inappropriate.Copy !req
91. What do you mean?Copy !req
92. No. I mean, the first part worked.Copy !req
93. I snuck into the mainframe last night,
after all the champagne and the...Copy !req
94. Hand jobs, yes.Copy !req
95. Yeah.
The twins are quite fond of you.Copy !req
96. Well... Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
97. Anyway,
I loaded that into the mainframe—Copy !req
98. Splendid. Then open your dish.Copy !req
99. Part two,
where I use your code to kill the worm...Copy !req
100. and kind of be the hero for once,
that didn't happen.Copy !req
101. Don't worry about it. Open your dish
No, thanks, I'm—Copy !req
102. Cyril, I got that specially for you...Copy !req
103. and quite frankly, you're insulting me.
Now, open your dish.Copy !req
104. Sorry, George, I didn't mean to be—Copy !req
105. George, there's money in there.
Good.Copy !req
106. I thought they brought you chicken toes
or something.Copy !req
107. George, why is there money in there?Copy !req
108. George.
Cyril, I've been just a teeny bit...Copy !req
109. less than honest with you.
No.Copy !req
110. No, no, no. It's nothing sinister.Copy !req
111. I design computer security systems.Copy !req
112. CIA, MI6, ODIN, all the biggies.Copy !req
113. You must be pretty good at it.Copy !req
114. Too good, that's the problem.Copy !req
115. My systems can't be hacked, so now
I can't convince anyone to upgrade...Copy !req
116. which is why I designed this.
And thanks for helping me test it.Copy !req
117. If it's that easy on an XL-9 network
like the one at ISIS...Copy !req
118. I think I can convince my clients
they're at risk.Copy !req
119. Wait, what kind of risk?Copy !req
120. Not from this. It's just a cute little pirate.Copy !req
121. But it shows there are flaws out there
that can be exploited by bad people.Copy !req
122. But—
Trust me, it's for the greater good.Copy !req
123. I guess. It just—
If you're uncomfortable...Copy !req
124. taking the 50 grand, I'll just—
No, no.Copy !req
125. Fifty grand? No, I mean—Copy !req
126. Look, as long as it's for the greater good.
Oh, it is.Copy !req
127. And as long as I can still, you know,
swoop in and save the day, ha-ha...Copy !req
128. Um...Copy !req
129. Okay.Copy !req
130. Ugh.Copy !req
131. That might be a problem.
You think?Copy !req
132. Oh. I do. Because now the worm
is in the mainframe databanks.Copy !req
133. Hunch, hunch.
What, What?Copy !req
134. Damn it, Pam!Copy !req
135. Sorry.
Hunch, hunch.Copy !req
136. I was just checking to see
if it's still doing it.Copy !req
137. Of course it's still doing it!Copy !req
138. Hunch, hunch.Copy !req
139. What, what?
Pam!Copy !req
140. That's not me!Copy !req
141. Yes, it is!
Wha—?Copy !req
142. Pam, I swear to God!Copy !req
143. Yeah. Quit screwing around, Pam.
This is serious.Copy !req
144. Very. If the worm gets
into the mainframe's encrypted files—Copy !req
145. Holy shit. The identity
of every single ISIS field agent is on there.Copy !req
146. So what?
What—?Copy !req
147. Because most secret agents
don't tell every harlot from here to Hanoi...Copy !req
148. that they are secret agents.Copy !req
149. Then why be one?Copy !req
150. What, what?
Ah, jeez. Sorry, that one's on me.Copy !req
151. Ugh. Just turn off the mainframe!Copy !req
152. Uh, yeah. We tried that.
What—?Copy !req
153. Then how is it still on?Copy !req
154. Because the worm
has transformed the mainframe...Copy !req
155. into a sentient being.Copy !req
156. What?
I'm kidding.Copy !req
157. There's a battery backup.
Yeah. Over there.Copy !req
158. Behind about 2 tons of steel
and one electronic lock.Copy !req
159. Which is controlled by the mainframe.Copy !req
160. Well, what genius thought that up?
Uh...Copy !req
161. This one.
Ugh.Copy !req
162. Hunch, hunch
What, What?Copy !req
163. Sorry.Copy !req
164. And where the hell have you been?
On agency business, at the bank.Copy !req
165. Sesame Ginger Savings and Loan?Copy !req
166. What's all this?Copy !req
167. This is the backbreaking work
we've been doing...Copy !req
168. while you were getting takeout
from your stupid Chinese bank.Copy !req
169. Every single one of these has to be wiped,
reformatted, the whole shmeel.Copy !req
170. What? It's just a little cartoon pirate.Copy !req
171. Was. But it mutated,
and now we're, like, on the brink...Copy !req
172. of World War ll.
Three.Copy !req
173. It's not a competition, Pam.Copy !req
174. Well, is it or isn't it?
I don't know.Copy !req
175. The mainframe thinks
they're nuclear missile launches...Copy !req
176. but the darn thing is so screwed up.Copy !req
177. Hunch, hunch.Copy !req
178. Sorry!
Case in point.Copy !req
179. There's really no way to be sure.
What am I supposed to do?Copy !req
180. Just look out the window?Copy !req
181. Nuh-uh. You don't wanna be anywhere
near a window.Copy !req
182. Same thing in a tornado.Copy !req
183. And they can't even turn off
the stupid mainframe.Copy !req
184. Some stupid battery thing
is in some stupid vault.Copy !req
185. But they don't need to turn off the—
Darn it, I can fix this.Copy !req
186. Oh, please, he couldn't fix dinner.Copy !req
187. He doesn't need to, with a bank like—
Not a real bank.Copy !req
188. Damn it.Copy !req
189. Sorry. But I have no idea
how to open this thing.Copy !req
190. Not really my legerdemain.Copy !req
191. You mean bailiwick?
I don't know, whatever.Copy !req
192. Look out.
What are—? No!Copy !req
193. Don't.Copy !req
194. For the love of God, man.
You massive asshole.Copy !req
195. Sorry, I thought that would work.Copy !req
196. Really?
No, look at that thing.Copy !req
197. It's like it's made
out of Wolverine's bones.Copy !req
198. You know? Because the—Copy !req
199. Does nobody read X-Men?Copy !req
200. So, hey, how about I take a crack?Copy !req
201. I bet I could kill that pesky old worm.Copy !req
202. How? You gonna disappoint it to death?Copy !req
203. Hey, you know what—?
Yes, I do.Copy !req
204. Beat it, Cyril, let the grown-ups work.
But leave this, I'm starving.Copy !req
205. No. Give me that.Copy !req
206. Hey. Wait a damn minute.
I said I was hungry.Copy !req
207. Great.Copy !req
208. There. Now we don't have to reformat
all those stupid things.Copy !req
209. Brilliant.
Right?Copy !req
210. Totally. Because how is the elevator
supposed to work...Copy !req
211. with a jillion pounds
of freaking computers on it?Copy !req
212. Who am I, Elisha Otis?Copy !req
213. Come on, pick up, pick up, pick up.Copy !req
214. Cyril, what is going on with you?
Aah!Copy !req
215. Nothing is going on.Copy !req
216. Hi, you've reached George Spelvin.Copy !req
217. Um...
Hated that phone. Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
218. Always dropping calls, you know?Copy !req
219. Probably holding it wrong.
Yeah.Copy !req
220. Just like Cyril Figgis always does
everything wrong, is that what you mean?Copy !req
221. Basically.
Well, for your information...Copy !req
222. Cyril Figgis knows
how to beat the worm.Copy !req
223. Yeah, I bet.Copy !req
224. The computer worm.
What—?Copy !req
225. Krieger can't even beat it.
Krieger, whose virtual girlfriend is so real...Copy !req
226. the state of New York is allowing him
to legally marry her.Copy !req
227. Oh, Krieger-san.Copy !req
228. Soon we will be married, yes?
Very soon, my little cherry blossom.Copy !req
229. Would you please...
Buh-buh-buh-buh!Copy !req
230. Focus!
No!Copy !req
231. Krieger-san.
I'm here. No!Copy !req
232. No!Copy !req
233. You maniac!Copy !req
234. You blew her up! Oh, damn you!Copy !req
235. God damn you all to hell!Copy !req
236. So how is this going?
Not great.Copy !req
237. The worm is decrypting the agent list.Copy !req
238. Then, apparently,
it's gonna upload them to an off-site server.Copy !req
239. Oh, my God.
Plus now I'm going to die alone.Copy !req
240. And once the worm decrypts the cover list
and uploads it...Copy !req
241. to whoever is behind this foul deed...Copy !req
242. every ISIS agent in the field
will be exposed.Copy !req
243. And probably killed.Copy !req
244. Really?
Am I on that list?Copy !req
245. Archer, do something.
Who am I, Alan Turing?Copy !req
246. Also from X-Men. Remember?Copy !req
247. Sterling.
What?Copy !req
248. Are we keeping you from something?
No.Copy !req
249. Well?
Well what? Cyril was just—Copy !req
250. Right here. Like, one second ago.Copy !req
251. So where are we? What's the plan?Copy !req
252. I'm going to sell it.Copy !req
253. The Russians, maybe the North Koreans.Copy !req
254. Famine or no,
they've got a shitload of money.Copy !req
255. But you can't do that.Copy !req
256. One moment, darlings.Copy !req
257. Of course I can.Copy !req
258. Once my little worm uploads the list
to my server-Copy !req
259. But it's not yours. You stole it.Copy !req
260. Bought it, from youCopy !req
261. Well, okay, then sell it back to me.
Can't.Copy !req
262. You just said you could.
Won't, then. Whatever.Copy !req
263. Look—
Take the money back.Copy !req
264. Here's the— Almost fifty thousand.
Count it.Copy !req
265. You'd still be about three zeros short.
What?Copy !req
266. Fifty million?
Seller's market.Copy !req
267. But that's not fair. Ow!Copy !req
268. It is exactly fair. You made a choice.Copy !req
269. Just like every other choice
every other human being has ever made...Copy !req
270. it has a consequence.Copy !req
271. I just wanted to show them I could—
Them?Copy !req
272. Or maybe your father,
who never thought you quite measured up.Copy !req
273. He— Hey, how did you know that?
I don't know, it was just a guess, really.Copy !req
274. Okay, what if I get you the 50 million?Copy !req
275. One is inclined to ask how.
I happen to be a kick-ass accountant.Copy !req
276. Did that sound a lot better in your head?
Yes, it did.Copy !req
277. Damn, that's over half the cover list.Copy !req
278. Krieger, we don't have much time.
Can you stop the worm or not?Copy !req
279. Oh, I thought we were putting all our eggs
in the battery-shutdown basket.Copy !req
280. It could take hours for this thing
to bypass the electronic lock.Copy !req
281. Well, then I should get my turtleneck.Copy !req
282. Archer. Hey, so, uh, you busy?Copy !req
283. Yes. Or no, I don't know. Who's asking?Copy !req
284. You, Cyril, are a ******* idiot.Copy !req
285. Look, I just wanted to show everybody
I could perform under pressure.Copy !req
286. And just for once, be the guy who— Ow!
Who what?Copy !req
287. Betrays the agency?
And then begs me to save you?Copy !req
288. No, not me, all those field agents.
Ugh!Copy !req
289. How much did he pay you?
Fif— Forty thousand?Copy !req
290. Cyril.
Fifty thousand.Copy !req
291. Mine.
But I already spent...Copy !req
292. like, 3000 on new suits and shoes and—Copy !req
293. Mine! Take the suits to my tailor
and the shoes to my shoemaker.Copy !req
294. L— You have a shoemaker?Copy !req
295. Do you not?Copy !req
296. I am unbelievably angry right now.
That's good, you should channel that.Copy !req
297. Onto Spelvin, whose fault this is.Copy !req
298. Shut up and break it down.
You've been inside, what's the layout?Copy !req
299. Well, let me see, it's pretty big—
What is the floor plan?Copy !req
300. Where's the primary ingress? Orientation.
Are there windows?Copy !req
301. Do they face west?
Can we use the sun to our advantage?Copy !req
302. I'm pretty sure it has windows.Copy !req
303. Give me the gun.
No. Why?Copy !req
304. We're here, idiot.Copy !req
305. Oh.
Once in, give this to Spelvin.Copy !req
306. It's full of counterfeit bearer bonds.Copy !req
307. Where did you get counterfeit bonds?
Don't open it.Copy !req
308. There's a canister of knockout gas
wired to the latch.Copy !req
309. Cool.
Duh. Okay, try not to screw—Copy !req
310. Wait, it's just Spelvin up there, right?
Um...Copy !req
311. Cyril.
There's probably two...Copy !req
312. incredibly sexy Asian women in bikinis.
Oh, I'm suddenly much less angry.Copy !req
313. Well, you say that.Copy !req
314. Damn it, the worm has got the list.Copy !req
315. How long will it take
to upload it to the server?Copy !req
316. I don't know, maybe five hours?
Good, then we've got some time.Copy !req
317. Or minutes. Look, I'm a little busy.Copy !req
318. Getting back in the old dating game.Copy !req
319. Yep. Fifty million dollars
in real bearer bonds...Copy !req
320. which are real.
Unbelievable.Copy !req
321. Well, like I said—
No. Literally, I don't believe you.Copy !req
322. Just open it up and look.
At what, Cyril?Copy !req
323. A big spritz of knockout gas?Copy !req
324. Uh, apparently not.Copy !req
325. Exactly. Because I don't even know
if that's a real thing.Copy !req
326. Okay, Spelvin,
where's the ISIS cover list?Copy !req
327. Oh, it's just over there on the server.
Where's the—?Copy !req
328. Hello, kitties.Copy !req
329. Listen, if you're not busy after,
we should grab a drink or— What?Copy !req
330. Aah! Damn it, Cyril.
Remember to channel it.Copy !req
331. You said they were sexy.
Ninjas are sexy.Copy !req
332. Right?
I mean, I think so.Copy !req
333. Good.
Ugh.Copy !req
334. I don't wanna hurt you, ladies.Copy !req
335. So how about
we all just put our swords down.Copy !req
336. But you don't have a sword.Copy !req
337. Can I?
Of course. Why not?Copy !req
338. Keiko-chan, katana.Copy !req
339. Yeah, but now she doesn't have a—Copy !req
340. You're just set on doing this, huh?
Yes, we are.Copy !req
341. Gotcha.Copy !req
342. That was a gift.
Shut up.Copy !req
343. Oh, come on.Copy !req
344. Sorry in advance for this.Copy !req
345. Wait, wait, wait, stop. Stop.Copy !req
346. Do you hear that?
What?Copy !req
347. That crunching noise?Copy !req
348. Do you hear this?Copy !req
349. No, no, no, hang on. Don't—Copy !req
350. Channel it, Archer.
Cyril!Copy !req
351. Oh, I think so.Copy !req
352. Cyril, get the ******* gun.
Uh...Copy !req
353. Okay.Copy !req
354. You're bringing this on yourself.
Oh!Copy !req
355. Hah!
Anytime now, Cyril.Copy !req
356. Pity. Probably have to knock five percent
off my asking price for the list.Copy !req
357. What? More than that, I bet.
Seller's market.Copy !req
358. Wait, wait, wait. Stop. Stop.Copy !req
359. Do you hear that?Copy !req
360. No, you tit. The only thing I hear is—Copy !req
361. Drop it, Spelvin.
Oh, Cyril.Copy !req
362. I'm warning you.
Shoot him, Cyril. But just him.Copy !req
363. I think the twins are warming up to me.Copy !req
364. Right? Are you guys—?
Am I getting some signals?Copy !req
365. Oh, shut up.
Make me.Copy !req
366. Cyril, we both know you can't do it.Copy !req
367. Ye— Yes, I can.Copy !req
368. Oh, okay. Then go ahead, Cyril. Shoot.Copy !req
369. Just him, though. Right?Copy !req
370. L...
Don't have it in you?Copy !req
371. Don't have it now,
didn't have it when you were a wheezy...Copy !req
372. four-eyed little kid,
trying to impress daddy.Copy !req
373. I—
How did you fail him? Was it sports?Copy !req
374. I was all-conference lacrosse.Copy !req
375. Pretty demanding sport,
pretty tough on the glutes.Copy !req
376. This one knows what I'm talking about.
I see you checking them out.Copy !req
377. No, not sports.
Look at you, shoulders like a trout.Copy !req
378. Spelvin.
But what?Copy !req
379. What was the failure that forever killed
the love in your father's heart?Copy !req
380. Regional Spelling Bee.Copy !req
381. Holy shit.Copy !req
382. You suck at everything.
Oh, it's not his fault, he just—Copy !req
383. You whinging little shit.
You just cost me $50 million.Copy !req
384. But I'm gonna get my money's worth in—Copy !req
385. Uh-uh. I've still got one bullet.Copy !req
386. Oh, does he?
Who am I, Count Bulletsula?Copy !req
387. Like Dracula? That was bad.
Come back to me, I can do better.Copy !req
388. I will come back to you,
because even if you do have one left...Copy !req
389. you can't shoot all three of us.Copy !req
390. No. Just you.Copy !req
391. All right, fair enough. Come on, girls.Copy !req
392. Hey, call me
if you ever wanna get that drink.Copy !req
393. Either of you, both, whatever.Copy !req
394. Unless the sister thing is weird for you.
I'm, obviously, way into it.Copy !req
395. All right, Archer, you win this round.Copy !req
396. No shit, Spelvin.Copy !req
397. Well, technically, I won it, but—Copy !req
398. Wh—? Jeezy Petes, Archer.Copy !req
399. Huh. Could've sworn you fired six.
Could've blown my foot off.Copy !req
400. Which you deserve after what you did.Copy !req
401. I'm sorry, okay? And I promise,
I'll never do anything like that again.Copy !req
402. 80—
So, what?Copy !req
403. So do you have to tell anybody?Copy !req
404. Uhn! Depends. You learn anything?
Oh, God, yes. I did.Copy !req
405. I swear. I learned a huge valuable lesson
that I will remember for the rest of my life.Copy !req
406. Which you will spend never knowing
if I rat you out.Copy !req
407. What?
Yeah. So, what did you learn?Copy !req
408. To never confide in you?
There you go.Copy !req
409. See? As long as you learn something
from it, it's not a mistake.Copy !req
410. Okay.
Where—? Archer, where are you going?Copy !req
411. Judging from the decor...Copy !req
412. I'm guessing Spelvin's got one
of those kick-ass Japanese soaking tubs.Copy !req
413. What?
After all that, you wanna take a bath?Copy !req
414. Do you not?Copy !req