1. Woodhouse. What the hell is this?Copy !req
2. I believe it's squash, sir.
I— What are you shoveling it into?Copy !req
3. The wee baby Seamus.
Miss Trinette said you'd agreed to it...Copy !req
4. while she's in Atlantic City.Copy !req
5. What?
For the Pimps and Ho's Ball...Copy !req
6. I believe she said.Copy !req
7. Didn't seem the sort of place
one takes a baby.Copy !req
8. You're in huge trouble.
Yes, sir.Copy !req
9. And now I have to spend
my first Friday off in forever...Copy !req
10. Yes, sir.
devising bizarre punishment for you.Copy !req
11. Yes, sir.
So don't be surprised...Copy !req
12. if you end up eating a whole bunch
of spider webs. Right? Heh.Copy !req
13. Now shut up
and read me the paper.Copy !req
14. Very good, sir. Let's see what we have—
Oh, good Lord!Copy !req
15. Oh, for— What the shit, Woodhouse?
I—Copy !req
16. Hey, stop crying.
How do you—?Copy !req
17. What do you do? How do you
make him not—? Here. God!Copy !req
18. You like that?
It's a Bloody Mary.Copy !req
19. Or is it a Bloody Caes—Copy !req
20. Why are you sitting
at my table?Copy !req
21. The paper, sir.
There's an item...Copy !req
22. Oh, yeah? Did somebody
finally out the queen? Right?Copy !req
23. This baby knows what
I'm talking about. Give me that.Copy !req
24. "Sir Augustus Stilton,
World War I flying ace, blah, blah, blah...Copy !req
25. dies under mysterious circumstances."Copy !req
26. And mystery solved, he was a thousand.Copy !req
27. Stilton and I were
squadron-mates.Copy !req
28. Oh, sorry, I—
Twenty-Two Squadron, RFC.Copy !req
29. Most decorated aerodrome...Copy !req
30. of the Great War.
I don't care about the Great War.Copy !req
31. But not much left of
the old Double Deuce any more.Copy !req
32. We're all dying off.Copy !req
33. Yeah, not a huge surprise.Copy !req
34. We're not dying of old age, sir.Copy !req
35. Wait a second. "Sir Aldous Wensleydale,
foul play suspected.Copy !req
36. Nigel Buxton, mysterious circumstances.Copy !req
37. Edwin Glue-sester—"Copy !req
38. Gloucester.
Whatever. "Foul play suspected."Copy !req
39. And other mysterious circumstances.
Every one of these is like that.Copy !req
40. All from the past six months.
What the hell?Copy !req
41. Hell indeed, sir.Copy !req
42. Because one at a time...Copy !req
43. the remaining survivors
of the old Double Deuce...Copy !req
44. are being murdered.Copy !req
45. Oh, my God.Copy !req
46. Are we out of Bloody Marys?Copy !req
47. Cannot picture you as a fighter pilot.Copy !req
48. Oh, no, sir, not a pilot. A batman.
Uh...Copy !req
49. An officer's personal attendant.
Oh.Copy !req
50. In charge of keeping his kit in good order,
seeing to his personal needs—Copy !req
51. So a servant.Copy !req
52. Soldier-servant
was the official term, but—Copy !req
53. Yeah. Way to advance.Copy !req
54. But for the enlisted, being chosen
to bat for an officer was very desirable.Copy !req
55. Especially when that officer
was Captain Reginald Thistleton.Copy !req
56. I say, Woodhouse
Yes, sir?Copy !req
57. The Hun did a fair job of stitching up
the old kite this time, what?Copy !req
58. Thank God you're all right, sir.
God and my twin Vickers, Woodhouse.Copy !req
59. Caught old Jerry in a chandelle,
poor bastard went down like a quail.Copy !req
60. You scoundrel. Is that brandy?
Thought you'd like a pick-me-up, sir.Copy !req
61. Woodhouse,
you're a rose among thorns.Copy !req
62. Bagged your share today, Scripes?Copy !req
63. Loads, thanks.Copy !req
64. See you've already bagged yours.Copy !req
65. Eww. Creepy.
Yes, Lieutenant Scripes abhorred...Copy !req
66. the way Reggie— Captain Thistleton
carried on with the men.Copy !req
67. Yeah, didn't Oscar Wilde
get hard labor for that?Copy !req
68. What are you talking about?Copy !req
69. The tontine.
Oh.Copy !req
70. France. Spring, 1917.Copy !req
71. "Bloody April, " they called it.Copy !req
72. Black days, they were.Copy !req
73. We were losing two,
sometimes three pilots a week.Copy !req
74. Who was that?Copy !req
75. Foxley, I think.Copy !req
76. No one thought we'd live through the war...Copy !req
77. so Reggie came up with the idea.Copy !req
78. A tontine, lads.Copy !req
79. Each man pays in 50 pounds...Copy !req
80. and the last survivor
collects the capital and interest.Copy !req
81. Oh, come on, lads, show some stones.Copy !req
82. I'll show you my stones, sir.Copy !req
83. That's the spirit. Who else?
Yeah. I'm in.Copy !req
84. Come on, Johnny. Bob's your uncle.Copy !req
85. So how much are we talking here?Copy !req
86. Oh, nearly 1200 pounds.Copy !req
87. What? Nobody is getting killed over
however much that is in real money.Copy !req
88. No, but are you familiar with
the term "compound interest"?Copy !req
89. I'm not an idiot, Woodhouse.Copy !req
90. Unlike some people around here.Copy !req
91. That's silvertip badger, kid.
You know how much this cost?Copy !req
92. No, don't. Hey, come on, don't—Copy !req
93. Here. God. Baby.Copy !req
94. But since I don't have a calculator...Copy !req
95. At 10 percent, by now, I'd say,
it's just a bit shy of a million dollars.Copy !req
96. What? I would totally kill you for that.Copy !req
97. Not me, but, you know, somebody would.
So how many of you old geezers are left?Copy !req
98. Well, now that's Stilton's been killed...Copy !req
99. it's just me, Scripes, and—Copy !req
100. And that will be Stinky.Copy !req
101. Wha—? What Will?Copy !req
102. Cor, you done all right, then.Copy !req
103. Oh, no, the flat belongs
to Mr. Archer, who is my—Copy !req
104. None of my business.
Consenting adults and so on.Copy !req
105. Hey, nobody is
consenting to anything.Copy !req
106. None of my business.Copy !req
107. You're gonna eat
so many spider webs.Copy !req
108. That's what he said.Copy !req
109. Scripes phones me at my niece's house
in Secaucus, New Jersey—Copy !req
110. I live with my niece...Copy !req
111. in Secaucus, New Jersey.
Riveting.Copy !req
112. He says, "Ain't it awful about Stilton?"
And he wants to come pay us a visit.Copy !req
113. Good Lord! What did you say?Copy !req
114. Gave him your address.
Told the bastard we'd be waiting for him.Copy !req
115. Waiting for him? My God, he'll—
Never know what hit him.Copy !req
116. We'll turn this fruity flat
into a killing field.Copy !req
117. But—
Seamus, no!Copy !req
118. No, no, no. Woodhouse, I can either do—
God, you are such a little brat. Here!Copy !req
119. I can do baby,
or I can do geezer murder mystery...Copy !req
120. but I can't do both.Copy !req
121. Well, Scripes is on his way here, so...Copy !req
122. So, sir, perhaps your mother could
look after the wee baby Seamus?Copy !req
123. Woodhouse. Yes.Copy !req
124. Nope.
Yes.Copy !req
125. Mother, come on, you—
You're off your nut...Copy !req
126. if you think I'm babysitting
this squalling little—Copy !req
127. What the hell is wrong with him?Copy !req
128. He might have a tiny hangover.Copy !req
129. Wha—? You ass,
you gave him liquor?Copy !req
130. No, I didn't give it to him, but—
Ass.Copy !req
131. See? Look at him, he's crazy for it.Copy !req
132. You only give them liquor
if they have croup.Copy !req
133. Well, I'm sorry,
Mr. Spock, I—Copy !req
134. Or colic. Or the jimmy legs. Or—
Can't you just dump him on Woodhouse?Copy !req
135. No, because—
That's what I always did.Copy !req
136. I'm sure you did, but Woodhouse
is about to be murdered, so—Copy !req
137. So are you, if you piddle in here.Copy !req
138. And that goes double
for number two, Mr. Man.Copy !req
139. So you just hold it in.Copy !req
140. Wow, a ton of stuff
just started to make sense to me.Copy !req
141. The secret is negative reinforcement.Copy !req
142. Yeah, I'm just getting that.Copy !req
143. About time. Ass.Copy !req
144. Baby, you're pear-shaped.Copy !req
145. Oh, what the hell? Hello?Copy !req
146. Great, that was my second-favorite...Copy !req
147. lamp.
Reloading.Copy !req
148. No, you're not. Don't reload. Damn it.Copy !req
149. Ow.
And my first-favorite lamp, fantastic.Copy !req
150. Serves you right, shooting blind
like that. You could've killed me.Copy !req
151. Yeah, and I'd be that much
closer to a million bucks.Copy !req
152. You know, once, uh...Copy !req
153. What's up with your will these days?
Oh, my God.Copy !req
154. Since when is this place
a nursery?Copy !req
155. Would you knock it off,
Union Carbide?Copy !req
156. And lay off the wee baby Seamus.Copy !req
157. He's got it tough enough as it is.Copy !req
158. What's that? That's a bumblebee.Copy !req
159. You want a pretty bumblebee?Copy !req
160. There you go.Copy !req
161. Oh, what's the matter? What happened?Copy !req
162. Did somebody trick you? Hmm?Copy !req
163. See? That's how the world works, dear...Copy !req
164. and I'm the only one you can trust.Copy !req
165. Wow, a ton of stuff
just started making sense.Copy !req
166. No way.
Why not'?Copy !req
167. Mr. Archer said Woodhouse
might make a million bucks off of his.Copy !req
168. Shut up, liar.
Of things impossible.Copy !req
169. It's not— Cyril, can you explain
compound interest to her?Copy !req
170. Oh, maybe if we had an infinite amount
of time. And she were someone else.Copy !req
171. Wait a second, is that—?
You know tontines are illegal, right?Copy !req
172. So is all kinds of shit.Copy !req
173. But look, half the people that
work here are field agents—Copy !req
174. Who get killed in the line of duty
all the time. And the control room—Copy !req
175. ls basically just a great big
asbestos lawsuit waiting to happen.Copy !req
176. Yeah, here's some
more claims forms.Copy !req
177. And how long you think
this one's gonna be around?Copy !req
178. Yeah. Yeah, count me in.Copy !req
179. No.
Yes.Copy !req
180. No.
We must fortify our position.Copy !req
181. We need twin Vickers here by
the bar, a Lewis gun by the sofa—Copy !req
182. Mustard gas. Zeppelins. No.Copy !req
183. Guy's a hundred, he'll
break both his hips pushing the doorbell.Copy !req
184. I don't know, sir. Scripes was
the toughest man in the squadron.Copy !req
185. Just the squadron...Copy !req
186. or the entire pansy division? Ow!Copy !req
187. By God, you will show some respect.
Ow.Copy !req
188. Do as you like with me, but I won't have
a swishy party-boy backchat a war hero.Copy !req
189. War hero?
Oh, let's not—Copy !req
190. Woodhouse?
Damn right.Copy !req
191. —Drag that up.Copy !req
192. And if you won't tell him,
Woodhouse, I bloody well shall.Copy !req
193. Alas, poor Reggie.Copy !req
194. He was on his way back
from a routine patrol...Copy !req
195. on a Tuesday afternoon.Copy !req
196. I'd written him a letter, you see,
so I was waiting out on the field.Copy !req
197. And he was looking at me—
My God, I can still see him smile.Copy !req
198. —when that Hun bastard dove in
from behind.Copy !req
199. And then the sky just shattered.Copy !req
200. God knows how,
but he kept the old kite from rolling over...Copy !req
201. and crash-landed
out in No Man's Land.Copy !req
202. And? Then what?
Hmm?Copy !req
203. Oh. Well, Reggie survived
the crash somehow.Copy !req
204. I survived the crash somehowCopy !req
205. So we could've sent a rescue party.Copy !req
206. But with Reggie hors de combat,
Scripes had become acting commander.Copy !req
207. And there shan't be
any rescue party.Copy !req
208. Captain Thistleton knew the risk
of what he was doing...Copy !req
209. and now it seems his chickens
have come home to roost. Bawk, bawk.Copy !req
210. A response I found unsatisfactory.Copy !req
211. I could hear Reggie out there
past the wire, screaming like a lamb.Copy !req
212. I'm coming for you, sir.Copy !req
213. And there I found him, in the words
of Henley, "bloodied but unbowed. "Copy !req
214. Woodhouse, you came for me.Copy !req
215. Of course I did, sir. I'm a—
Fag?Copy !req
216. Sir?
Have you got one?Copy !req
217. Dying for a smoke.
Yes, of course. Here we are.Copy !req
218. Cheers.
Now, let me just light that for you.Copy !req
219. Ooh. Sorry, sir.Copy !req
220. Just give that another go.
Good man.Copy !req
221. Damn.
Good God, man, are you hourly?Copy !req
222. Sorry, sir. Here we go.Copy !req
223. Woodhouse there's—
God, that's bright.Copy !req
224. There's something I've been
wanting to tell— You scoundrel.Copy !req
225. Is that brandy?
Oh, no, sir. Just water.Copy !req
226. Water? Never touch the stuff.
Fish **** in it.Copy !req
227. But seriously, I've wanted to tell you this
for ages, but I never quite knew how.Copy !req
228. I'm listening, sir.
Woodhouse—Copy !req
229. Fish **** in it.Copy !req
230. After that, it's all a bit fuzzy.Copy !req
231. Reggie!Copy !req
232. Then what?
Then they gave me the VC and my papers.Copy !req
233. Ahem. Medical discharge.Copy !req
234. Because of the scalps.
For—Copy !req
235. The what?
German scalps.Copy !req
236. What?
He must have had 50 of them.Copy !req
237. That's a lot of scalps.
Could've made a blanket.Copy !req
238. And then I just
sort of drifted about.Copy !req
239. Spent God knows how many years
in the orient, on a merchant schooner.Copy !req
240. Reggie!Copy !req
241. Then I sort of washed up in Tangiers...Copy !req
242. where I won a bar in a dice game.Copy !req
243. Oh, which is how I met your mother.Copy !req
244. Don't shoot!Copy !req
245. Please, I just killed a man
and I think my water just broke.Copy !req
246. So I could really, really use a drink.Copy !req
247. Gave birth to you right there
on that greasy bar.Copy !req
248. I cut the cord, and I've been
with your family ever since.Copy !req
249. The— You—Copy !req
250. You saw Mother's vagina?
Hmm?Copy !req
251. Oh, my God. Oh!Copy !req
252. Oh, God!Copy !req
253. Oh, I can't breathe.Copy !req
254. Right? Ha. What an ass.Copy !req
255. Mother? Mother?Copy !req
256. Where are you?
Oh, for— In here, you half-wit!Copy !req
257. I had just gotten him to sleep.
Don't you know anything about babies?Copy !req
258. I know you're not supposed to have
them on a greasy bar. In Tangiers.Copy !req
259. Oh, my God.Copy !req
260. And I know you're not supposed
to let Woodhouse see your lady parts.Copy !req
261. That's why you're so upset?Copy !req
262. Yes. Eww.
Mother, he touches my food.Copy !req
263. Sterling, he also—
Give me that.Copy !req
264. He also saved my life.
And yours.Copy !req
265. Between my narrow hips, your fat head,
and a city full of enemy spies...Copy !req
266. we both nearly died that night.Copy !req
267. They'll come.
We should get you somewhere safe.Copy !req
268. Oh, a few minutes more.Copy !req
269. I just wanna look at him.Copy !req
270. Isn't he perfect?
Aye. That he is.Copy !req
271. Here, Miss, for the baby.Copy !req
272. Oh, it's beautiful.Copy !req
273. Clapped-out Arab whore traded
it for a pint. Said it was sterling.Copy !req
274. Sterling.
That's what I'll name him.Copy !req
275. Oh, that's a fine name.
And could his middle name be Reginald?Copy !req
276. No. A little too gay, but—Copy !req
277. But how would you like a job?Copy !req
278. I think I would like it
very much indeed, ma'am.Copy !req
279. Oh, my God.
And if that weren't enough...Copy !req
280. that very night, he traded his bar
for a boat and sailed us to Lisbon.Copy !req
281. Got me to an OSS safe house,
sold the boat...Copy !req
282. used the money to get you
both home to the States...Copy !req
283. then raised you by himself
for five years.Copy !req
284. Wha—? What?Copy !req
285. You heard me, young man.Copy !req
286. Your mum's got home from the war.
Give her a proper hello.Copy !req
287. No. I don't have a mother.
And if I did, I'd hate her.Copy !req
288. Wow, he did all that? For—Copy !req
289. You. And you've treated him
like a dog ever since.Copy !req
290. But you won't have him
to kick around forever—Copy !req
291. Oh, shit. Woodhouse.Copy !req
292. Oh, my God, he's gonna be murdered.
I gotta go save him.Copy !req
293. Uh-uh-uh. Here.
You want me to take a baby. To a murder.Copy !req
294. Or wherever,
just out of here.Copy !req
295. I have no more love
to give today.Copy !req
296. Yeah, what is it, like, 2:30?Copy !req
297. Wait, why did you have
an eye patch?Copy !req
298. Oh, who remembers?Copy !req
299. Three-large 50, three large
a Benjamin, three-large—Copy !req
300. Idiots doing idiot things
because they're idiots.Copy !req
301. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, we're the idiots. Says
the genius who got a hooker pregnant.Copy !req
302. What?
Nothing.Copy !req
303. Cyril, What?
Noth— Oh!Copy !req
304. Cyril? You dead?Copy !req
305. Damn.
Should I put him out of his misery?Copy !req
306. No. Do you, though.
Yes.Copy !req
307. No. Wait, then I don't
get the money, idiot.Copy !req
308. You'll never take us alive, Scripes.Copy !req
309. What do you mean, take you alive,
Woodhouse? I only came here—Copy !req
310. What the bloody hell?Copy !req
311. Ow.Copy !req
312. I say, I'm dreadfully sorry about that,
old boy.Copy !req
313. Bloody should be.
Almost killed me.Copy !req
314. Which again,
from the bottom of my heart...Copy !req
315. is the last thing on earth
I'd ever want to do.Copy !req
316. I'd forgotten all
about that rubbish tontine.Copy !req
317. But all the mysterious deaths...Copy !req
318. Well, I daresay,
there's not much mystery.Copy !req
319. They're just desperate
to sell newspapers.Copy !req
320. Gloucester fell off the roof
mucking about with the aerial.Copy !req
321. Wens and Bux died in their sleep
at the pensioners' home.Copy !req
322. And as for Stilton,
there's no nice way to put it.Copy !req
323. Auto-erotic asphyxiation.
You're joking.Copy !req
324. No, Stilton was always quite
keen on that. Remember?Copy !req
325. Always looking for something sturdy
to loop his Sam Browne over?Copy !req
326. I do seem to recall an awful lot
of loose doorknobs.Copy !req
327. Plus, what he named
his plane.Copy !req
328. I always thought that had
something to do with the engine.Copy !req
329. Well, here's to you, "Choke and Stroke."Copy !req
330. To "Choke and Stroke."Copy !req
331. And here's to
the old Double Deuce.Copy !req
332. God knows we had our differences,
but I'm just so glad to see you both.Copy !req
333. But if you didn't come to kill us,
why bring that whacking great Webley?Copy !req
334. It's Reggie's.
I stole it from his effects.Copy !req
335. I looked everywhere for that.Copy !req
336. That's right. Damned wretched of me,
I know, but I just wanted a memento.Copy !req
337. But Reggie would've wanted
you to have it, old boy.Copy !req
338. I say, that's damned
decent of you.Copy !req
339. Cheers.Copy !req
340. Took good care of her too.Copy !req
341. See, look. No rust.
Even the barrel's clean.Copy !req
342. No!Copy !req
343. Woodhouse!Copy !req
344. Oh, my God!Copy !req
345. The baby!Copy !req
346. No!Copy !req
347. I'm coming, Reggie!Copy !req
348. Whoo! Ha-ha!
What a move. Did you see that?Copy !req
349. That was like Steve McQueen
and John Woo had a baby...Copy !req
350. and that baby was you, baby.
Yeah, pretty hot, huh?Copy !req
351. Oh, my God. You— You—Copy !req
352. No, don't thank me, thank the baby.Copy !req
353. You ass.
What?Copy !req
354. Unbelievably gigantic ass.Copy !req
355. Hey.
Scripes wasn't here to kill us.Copy !req
356. He came to mourn
our comrades-in-arms.Copy !req
357. Oh.
"Oh."Copy !req
358. That's all you have to say,
you great flapping twit?Copy !req
359. Hey, seriously, you—
Corporal Bishop, the Webley.Copy !req
360. The what? What's a Web—?Copy !req
361. Thank you,
Corporal Bishop.Copy !req
362. The pleasure was all mine,
Lance Corporal Woodhouse.Copy !req
363. Shame he'll send you packing
when he comes to.Copy !req
364. Oh, I'll just yank his pants off...Copy !req
365. splash scotch
and women's underthings about...Copy !req
366. tell him he slipped and fell...Copy !req
367. chasing a terrified Asian
prostitute out onto the patio.Copy !req
368. It's not the first time I bashed his head in
and had to cover my tracks.Copy !req
369. Happens three, four times a year.
Right?Copy !req
370. Well, guess you and me are
the last two left in the tontine, eh?Copy !req
371. Yes, I guess we are.Copy !req
372. Hard to believe, that.Copy !req
373. Well, we were the two youngest—Copy !req
374. No, no, not that.Copy !req
375. The fact the government let you
two fruit-bats adopt a baby.Copy !req
376. Uh...Copy !req