Archer 2x2

Directed by

Dave Willis as Barry Dillon (voice) • Lucky Yates as Dr. Krieger (voice) • George Coe as Woodhouse (voice) • Clarke Peters as Popeye (voice) • Jeffrey Tambor as Len Trexler (voice)

After Malory is wiped out in a Ponzi scheme, she hatches a scheme of her own: selling ISIS - lock, stock and snack machines - to archrival spy agency ODIN. Archer and the rest of the ISIS employees, rightfully fearing for their jobs, must use every trick in the book (ISIS Field Manual, 3rd Edition) to try to stop the sale.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Splendid. Yes, and we'll work out all the details when— Hmm?

2. Yes, it sounds amazing, it really does, but we'll talk about it when you get here, hm?

3. Mm-hm.

4. Something on your mind, dear?

5. Not any more. What in the—?

6. A microchip? Russian markings? What on earth is this?

7. Well, Krieger thinks it's some satellite-linked mind-control device.

8. Mind control? Why does he think that?

9. Because he removed it from my brain. What?

10. I told Krieger about my headaches. He gives me a CAT scan, then boom.

11. Next thing I know, he shoots me full of some kind of fish paralyzer.

12. That crazy— Yeah.

13. Then it was drill, baby, drill. Oh, my God.

14. Yeah. How do you feel?

15. Little pissed off, actually. That's understandable.

16. It was obviously put in my brain in the first place...

17. by your boyfriend, Nikolai Jakov of the KGB.

18. Sterling, first of all, we're not even together any more.

19. Uh-huh. Yeah, I bet. And second of all...

20. why would he put a mind-control chip into your brain?

21. Because he thinks he's my father. And what, you think he wanted...

22. to mind-control you into loving him? You tell me, Mother, that's your specialty.

23. My— Get out.

24. No. No. Yes. Yes.

25. Mother, you've been lying to me my entire life.

26. Just for once, I want you to tell me the truth.

27. Well, people in hell want ice water. What?

28. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm right in the middle of a fairly huge deal.

29. Buying a lock factory? For your information, I'm—

30. No, never mind. You'll find out soon enough as it is.

31. That's classic you, Mother.

32. Avoid the truth, bury the secrets, hide the— Oh, for the—

33. I'm selling ISIS.

34. You what? There.

35. Happy?

36. No.

37. Mother, tell me this is a joke.

38. The only joke is my bank statement. What?

39. Everything I had was in a hedge fund.

40. But it turns out the whole thing was nothing but a damn Ponzi scheme.

41. I lost all my money, I'm ruined.

42. So you're selling ISIS?

43. She what? Oh, man.

44. That's totally not irie. Then why don't you go back to Jamaica?

45. A, because I got deported, and B— So she can actually sell ISIS?

46. Doesn't the government own it? I've never been clear on that.

47. It's way too complicated to explain, especially to you two.

48. But short answer, yes, she can sell ISIS.

49. The question is, who would buy it?

50. ODIN? Or whom.

51. Yes, ODIN. Why would ODIN wanna buy—?

52. Oh, my God, is Len Trexler behind this?

53. He made me a very attractive offer. Yeah, I bet.

54. That's because he wants to— Bleh! That with you. Ugh!

55. But wait a minute, does he know you're—? Gorgeous.

56. Hello, Leonard.

57. Hello, beautiful. Hey, kiddo.

58. Hey back and if you don't mind, we're in the middle of something.

59. Actually, Sterling, if you don't mind? What?

60. Len and I have a lot to talk about. Like selling ISIS out from under us?

61. That and the around-the-world luxury cruise I'm taking with your mom.

62. The what? Hopefully...

63. in the honeymoon suite. The what?

64. And then the unemployment office after ODIN lays us all off.

65. Ugh! That totally stinks. Eh. You were on borrowed time anyway.

66. No, that.

67. What are you eating? Ackee and saltfish.

68. Yeah, thanks, this is only mohair. lrie.

69. So you really think ODIN's gonna get rid of everybody?

70. No, no, not everybody.

71. In fact, ODIN plans to promote...

72. a very select few ISIS personnel to fill some of the impending vacancies.

73. Vacancies like...?

74. Malory Archer's chair. Really?

75. Well, figuratively. I mean, I don't know about the actual chair itself.

76. It's a piece of furniture. So I'd be, like, the what?

77. How's Regional Director for the Americas sound?

78. The—? Yeah. That's what we're talking about.

79. Barry, that's my dream job. Yours for the taking.

80. If you are similarly mine... What?

81. For the taking?

82. "Taking" as in to get this job, I'd have to have sex with you?

83. Hey, hey, those are your words.

84. 80— And also mine, yes.

85. Oh, come on. Okay, okay.

86. Hey, hey!

87. You idiots wanna hear my plan or not?

88. All right, so, suggestions.

89. About what? What are we talking about?

90. Stopping my mother from selling ISIS to ODIN.

91. You said you had a plan. My plan is to crowdsource a plan.

92. I could've done that. Thanks, Noam Chomsky.

93. My ear balls. Don't you people have work to do?

94. Not for long, huh?

95. Hey, gang, I can't wait to welcome each and every one of you into the ODIN family.

96. And speaking of, kiddo, I hope you're gonna welcome me into your family.

97. My fam—

98. That's disgusting. Who are you, my cat?

99. You people better not track that onto the carpet.

100. It's filthy enough as it is.

101. Come on, Len. I'll follow you anywhere, my sweet.

102. Holy shit snacks.

103. Is Trexler buying ISIS just to get your mother to marry him?

104. No. Yes.

105. Look, shut up and— That is some high-priced MILF.

106. Hey, shut up and think of a way to make Trexler not want my mother.

107. We could give her a MILFectomy.

108. If you say "MILF" one more time, I will shoot you in your eyeballs.

109. She does have a point, though. Not the M-I-L-F part.

110. But if we could make Trexler fall out of love...

111. How? Trust me, you can't control a person's heart.

112. You can with a little thing I like to call a deep-cycle marine battery.

113. Or LSD.

114. Is that what you've been giving me?

115. Yes? Well, that explained a lot.

116. I thought they were breath strips.

117. Anyway, whatever, emotions like love don't actually come from the heart.

118. They come from— The brain.

119. Yeah.

120. Or LSD.

121. Oh. Come on.

122. Where is the trust?

123. What could be so secret she wired it up with 12 pounds of C4?

124. Ugh. I don't think I even wanna know.

125. What? Heh. Nice.

126. Here, take a look at this. All right, which one of these wires—

127. Blue and yellow. The blue—

128. Look at it for more than half a second. I wired the damn thing, ass.

129. Well, I didn't know that, ass.

130. Okay. Oh, my God.

131. What? I lied, I didn't wire it.

132. What? You think that's funny? Ba-dum-dum-zing!

133. What? Not compared to that.

134. What is that? No. Oh, yeah.

135. Yeah. Not a bumblebee, is it? No.

136. No, no, no. Ray, what do I do?

137. Well, if you don't shut it off— She'll know somebody was in here.

138. So you could wait for the batteries to die. Okay, yeah, that's—

139. Sounds like there 's about four big-ass D cells in there.

140. Oh, my God. Like a jackhammer.

141. Yeah, it's pretty big. Is it black?

142. What? No. Slightly darker black?

143. No, it's not any kind of black. Racist.

144. Shut up, it's more of a...

145. Aubergine, I guess you call that. Oh.

146. Still pretty hot. Will you shut up?

147. Take a picture. Shut up.

148. All right, I'm going in. Man, I can't believe I'm doing this.

149. Try to think about something else.

150. Like how there's no sink in there. So, what if there's no—

151. Oh, my God. Yeah.

152. There's no sink! Ahh!

153. There's not enough liquor and therapy in the world to undo that.

154. Oh, I touched my mother's dildo. You should've borrowed these.

155. They're, like, super heavy duty. Gah!

156. Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing, making robot birds?

157. Lana, we're in crisis mode. Mother's trying to sell us to ODIN.

158. I know. So how about don't break any more stuff in my new office?

159. Your new— Oh, my God, ODIN's making you the new boss?

160. Yup. I mean, I kind of maybe have to sleep with Barry, but—

161. Lana, how can you do that? Um, by getting drunk.

162. Same thing your mother's doing. Hey.

163. I know it's killing you that she's leaving you for another man.

164. Phrasing. But you better not mess this up.

165. Speaking of mess, your birdbot is leaking. My what?

166. Oh, shit. Probably hydraulic fluid.

167. It's sweet-and-sour, dumb-ass.

168. Yeah, who's the dumb-ass now, Lana?

169. Or whom. Oh, Barry, how's your shattered femur?

170. How's your...

171. creepily childlike feeling of maternal abandonment?

172. The sale isn't final yet, Barry. No, but it will be.

173. And we are here to make sure of it.

174. So don't try to do anything stupid. I don't have to try.

175. Shit. Whatever, move.

176. Barry, is that how you get ants?

177. Yes, it is, Other Barry, yes, it is.

178. Okay, the satellite link is online, so let's play God.

179. Freaky. I'll tell you what's freaky...

180. is guess what I named that bunny. Rabbert Klein?

181. Wow, that's actually better. Yeah, it's all yours.

182. Thank you. So can you put it in a person's brain?

183. He'd suffocate. Not the rabbit, idiot, the chip.

184. Oh, yes, absolutely. Without killing the person?

185. Oh, maybe.

186. Yeah, doesn't that feel good?

187. Feels better than this offer. Len, I need at least 20 percent down.

188. Oh, come on, it's not like you need the money.

189. You're already loaded. What if I weren't?

190. Then you would know I loved you for you.

191. You really do, don't you? And always have.

192. Huh. What about those years you spent...

193. shacked up with what's-her-face, the crazy one?

194. Anastasia. No, the tall brunette, "crazy" crazy.

195. Yeah, Anastasia. She killed herself.

196. Oh, right, sorry.

197. Eh.

198. Yeah, that's how you like it, huh?

199. Get it all down in your nooks and crannies. Someone's gotten pretty oily—

200. So, hey, hate to interrupt your conversation-

201. It wasn't a conversation, Lana. I was just talking to my gun, not with it.

202. Um— Pretty big difference.

203. Yeah, so are they in there signing the sale contract or—?

204. As we speak. Yes.

205. Because I've got tons of ideas...

206. to run this place efficiently once I'm ODIN's regional director.

207. I already jotted a bunch down and— Hey, hey, that's great.

208. I really hope you bring...

209. that same kind of enthusiasm and self-starterishness to having sex with me.

210. Oh, so us hooking up is still—

211. A perquisite for the job, yeah. Right.

212. Do I mean "prerequisite"? Yeah.

213. Either way, Barry's pretty stoked ck

214. Okay, so that's Barry and Lana.

215. Pam, you're the amorphous Rasta blob. Big ups.

216. All right, those are ODIN guys. Ray, you're the little pink sailor and—

217. Wait, why do we have so many damn dolls in here?

218. For sexual harassment complaints.

219. So people can nonverbally indicate where stuff happened on their body.

220. Yeah, that takes, like, one doll. Not if there's ever a gang rape.

221. Cyril, pill up, you're assisting Krieger with the surgery.

222. What, why me? You're good at math.

223. How is that supposed to help? It can't hurt.

224. Ray, you lure Lana into the mainframe. And Carol, you lure Barry—

225. I wanna lure Barry. Wrong bait, Ray, he's straight.

226. How do you know? Hm? How—?

227. Because he was engaged. I was married.

228. For two years, yeah. I mean, she was a lesbian, but still—

229. We met in a "Pray Away the Gay" bible group. That was a pretty weird time for me.

230. Just get Lana in the mainframe. I'll take care of Trexler.

231. And Pam, your job is to neutralize the ODIN agents.

232. How the shit am I supposed to do that? With Krieger's magic breath strips.

233. But don't touch them. Lysergic acid is absorbed through the skin.

234. Even the tip of your finger— Oh.

235. Oh, for ****'s sake, Krieger. You're about to do brain surgery.

236. Yeah, so sooner's gonna be better than later.

237. Damn it, how much time do we have? For me, usually about 20 minutes.

238. Usually? Less if I take two.

239. Man, you have got a problem.

240. Oh, right, like you're one to talk. Yeah, Pillbo Baggins.

241. These are from a doctor. So? Krieger's a doctor.

242. Not the medical kind. Not even the other kind.

243. Oh, boy. Technically.

244. I gotta tell you guys...

245. not feeling super confident about this plan.

246. Racist.

247. So I guess you must be the infamous Barry everyone's talking about.

248. Yeah. Go away.

249. infamously few of words, I guess.

250. Go away. So Lana said to give you this.

251. Pretty succinct. Guess you guys have lots in common.

252. Like I bet your genitals are the same distance from the ground.

253. Look alive, gang. I think Archer's gonna try to torpedo this deal...

254. so until the contract is signed, don't let Archer anywhere near that office.

255. What are you—? Don't do that, you asshole.

256. We're buying this place. Carpet's shitty enough as it is.

257. I'll tell you what's shitty. Somebody's breath around here.

258. Whoa, here, take three or four of them. Probably won't kill you guys, either.

259. Because somebody smells like they ate the ass end out of a northbound cow.

260. Well, what do you think?

261. I think I'm gonna miss you so much.

262. Aw, honey, you're not going anywhere, not when I'm the regional director.

263. But are you sure you'll get the job?

264. Oh, honey, totally, yes. I mean, I do have to sleep with Barry, but—

265. Right, he said he's in the mainframe and it's now or never.

266. Really? Yeah, used those exact words.

267. Ugh. It all feels so dirty.

268. Yeah, the carpet in there is gross. No, trading sex for this job.

269. I mean, it is the chance of a lifetime, but— Honey, look at me.

270. We all gotta do what we all gotta do. You wouldn't hate me for it?

271. Oh, God, no. But just do reverse cowgirl because that carpet is seriously heinous.

272. Wow, so guess that worked, huh?

273. Pamela, cool runnings, man. God, would you give it a rest, um...?

274. Damn, I had something for this.

275. Blob Marley.

276. All right, there's my signature.

277. And once you countersign— We can set sail for romance.

278. Mazatlan, Maui, maybe even a small wedding on the beach in Tahiti.

279. Yeah, about that, could I borrow Len for a second?

280. Why? To, um, give him my blessing...

281. in asking for your hand in marriage.

282. Aw. Well, that's just weird.

283. No, it's beautiful, it's—

284. Well, maybe not traditional, but it's a damn classy move.

285. After you, kiddo.

286. Barry? In here.

287. Just doing some deep knee bends.

288. Nude. Wanted to stay loose.

289. Yeah, so listen, about the job and this, I don't think I can do it.

290. Then why did you send that note? What note?

291. What the—?

292. No,no, no. Hey, open this damn door!

293. Sorry, honey, please don't hate me.

294. Just doing what I gotta do.

295. Huh. Sort of pictured more of a lounge.

296. Yeah. Morris chairs, that kind of stuff.

297. Yeah. So listen. Some lamps.

298. About you and Mother— We're in love, kiddo.

299. Well, maybe you're in love. She's just in need.

300. Of what? Of money.

301. She's broke, Trexler. She lost everything in a Ponzi scheme.

302. So, what you're saying, she's— Using you, you dumb idiot.

303. Oh.

304. Doesn't matter. I am crazy about her. What?

305. And if I can be there for her when she really needs me, then all the better.

306. I was afraid you'd say that. Why? Ow!

307. Why are you doing that? Hello.

308. What is that? Fish paralyzer.

309. Okay.

310. Okay, he's out. How's Krieger doing? Not great.

311. Yes, he is. Let's do this!

312. So are we gonna do this or—? No, no, we're not.

313. For a list of reasons, at the top of which is Archer.

314. You're not still into that guy? No. But he's out there...

315. somewhere and somehow, dashing all my hopes.

316. Look, this sale's gonna happen.

317. So, what we should do is spread our clothes around...

318. so our naked bodies do not touch this carpet.

319. Oh, for the—

320. Sweet-and-sour? Might as well start an ant farm.

321. And what's taking those two so long?

322. Wow, so that didn't take long, huh?

323. Uh, I don't know. That was rhetorical.

324. Okay, Krieger? Yes.

325. What are you doing? What's next?

326. Okay, cue visual. Roger, cueing visual.

327. Oh, there's my lovely lady love.

328. Okay, now— Wow, that feels good.

329. Krieger. Oh, commence the modified Ludovico.

330. Commencing the modified Ludovico.

331. Aah! Aah! No, no, no.

332. I don't like this. No, no, no.

333. Who is that? Who is that...

334. horrible woman? That's Malory Archer.

335. You love her. No, no, no. lck!

336. Krieger? Krieger?

337. Commence satellite link. Commencing satellite link.

338. So you wouldn't wanna marry her? No, no, please.

339. Please make it stop.

340. Okay. What do I do, what do I do?

341. Just hit "tab." Idiot. Oh.

342. Okay, it's over and you're sure you don't wanna marry that woman?

343. Oh, God, no. You know what I want?

344. Tell me. Some of that lettuce.

345. Um, okay. Or actually, can I have all of it?

346. And the bunny attached to it. He is attached, right?

347. The bunny and lettuce? Can we give Lenny the rabbit?

348. And the lettuce.

349. Sure thing, go to town.

350. Yeah, because you know, they're brothers.

351. Is he always gonna be like this now? Because I feel bad.

352. Sterling? Len?

353. Either and/or both? Where the hell are you?

354. Len! Yeah, do you know where he is?

355. Yes, I'm just screaming his name down the hall to celebrate that fact.

356. Is that some kind of joke? Is that?

357. It's cold in here. Because she's here.

358. The big, bad lady is here and she is cold.

359. Len, what's going on? You're mean.

360. What? And I don't like you.

361. And I don't want ISIS or you. And all I want is this lettuce and his brother.

362. Rabbert Klein. Rabbert Klein.

363. So Barry, you ass. Yeah?

364. For the love of all that's green, take me and Rabbert to the lettuce store.

365. Sterling Malory Archer.

366. Yes, Mother, I'm here for you.

367. You did the right thing, hon. And all it cost me was my dream job.

368. And a broken hand, which kills.

369. I'm good. Racist.

370. Buy you a cup of coffee? You know, since you're broke.

371. You meddling ass. Me?

372. Sterling, I know what you did to Trexler.

373. I didn't do anyth— Yes, you did.

374. Because certain items in my desk... Bah, bah-bah-bah. I can't hear you.

375. Were not where I put them. Bah-bah-bah.

376. And we need never to speak of that sickening invasion of privacy again.

377. Yeah, and the neverer the better.

378. But since I can only assume that Russian mind-control chip...

379. is rattling around in Len Trexler's bald head...

380. Not rattling, Krieger stapled it.

381. I had to go to plan B and lease out three floors in the building.

382. And also sell the cleaners. You sold the cleaners?

383. To who? Or whom.

384. What? Popeye? Mm-hm.

385. And he paid up front, in cash.

386. Yeah, not surprising, considering the fact he's a loan-sharking pimp.

387. Former loan-sharking pimp. I'm going legitimate.

388. What do you know about dry cleaning? I know you owe me 3 grand.

389. I told you when I—

390. And I also know I got five of your hand-tailored suits in the back.

391. What, you're holding my suits hostage? Collateral.

392. Now, get the **** out of my cleaners.

393. I think it's a good fit. What?

394. See you tomorrow, Popeye.

395. Mm-hm.

396. What do I know about dry cleaning?

397. I know I'm switching from perc to D5.

398. Going green up in here.

399. Oh.