1. Not once, not ever, has he
volunteered for a dangerous mission.Copy !req
2. And now, all of a sudden, he's like,
"Let me go"?Copy !req
3. On a night jump in the freezing-ass cold
to kill a Finnish double agent? Please.Copy !req
4. So I'm like, "Yeah, let Archer go."Copy !req
5. But she's like:Copy !req
6. "Ray, it's your mission, and that's final."Copy !req
7. But why?Copy !req
8. Because, just between us gals
and the C-130...Copy !req
9. I think she used to screw, ick,
Nikolai Jakov, the head of the KGB.Copy !req
10. I know, right?Copy !req
11. I think Archer wanted this mission
so he could cross into Russia...Copy !req
12. because he thinks Jakov
might be his father.Copy !req
13. Y'all know me, I'm no gossip, but that
is some scandalous-ass shit right there.Copy !req
14. What? Dukes. Unh!Copy !req
15. Ray?Copy !req
16. Hey, if it's any consolation,
you were right. Oh.Copy !req
17. And, uh, by the way,
try not to be unconscious too long.Copy !req
18. It's super bad for you.Copy !req
19. Hey, thanks, guys. Just tell my mother
I pulled a gun on you, all right?Copy !req
20. This is to share. Look at me. To share.Copy !req
21. You nut.Copy !req
22. Okay, I got my fake documents, plenty of
cash, so the crossing should be a breeze.Copy !req
23. Drive to Saint Pete, grab a latte,
then 400 miles to Moscow...Copy !req
24. putting me there right about the time
Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB...Copy !req
25. comes home for his borscht,
only to find an unexpected dinner guest.Copy !req
26. Who may be his son.
And for dessert, we will have the truth.Copy !req
27. You hear that, Mother?Copy !req
28. After a lifetime of your secrets and lies,
we will finally have the truth!Copy !req
29. Oh, and also, hopefully,
shitloads of vodka. Woo-hoo!Copy !req
30. Parachute!Copy !req
31. Chief, why's the door still—?Copy !req
32. Wait, don't tell me he just now jumped.
Yep.Copy !req
33. Like, just, just now?
Yep.Copy !req
34. You know he missed the drop zone
by like eight miles?Copy !req
35. Yep.
Jesus. He give you the money?Copy !req
36. Nope.Copy !req
37. What an asshole.
Yep.Copy !req
38. Huh.Copy !req
39. Okay. Ahem.Copy !req
40. Uh, hey.Copy !req
41. I was, uh, asking if this was
the, uh, Finnish skydiving club.Copy !req
42. Which, judging by your response,
I, uh, assume it's not, so, uh...Copy !req
43. Hey, so, guys, listen—Copy !req
44. What an asshole.Copy !req
45. He did What?Copy !req
46. Well, for starters, this.Copy !req
47. Good God.
Yeah.Copy !req
48. That's a broken zygomatic bone.
Plus, I was unconscious for an hour.Copy !req
49. Ooh, really?
Which is super bad for you.Copy !req
50. Super bad. Have you seen a neurologist?Copy !req
51. Have a CAT scan tomorrow.
Unless it's in Russia, you better cancel it.Copy !req
52. Well, it's obviously not, and what?Copy !req
53. The mission you failed
was on the border.Copy !req
54. And I think Sterling might be trying
to cross into Russia.Copy !req
55. Why would he—? Oh, is this about
Nikolai Jakov, the head of the KGB?Copy !req
56. L— Who?Copy !req
57. "Who?" Nice.
Right?Copy !req
58. The man you've been having
a 40-year affair with?Copy !req
59. What are you talking about?Copy !req
60. Sex, baby, let's talk—Copy !req
61. Zip it, LaMotta. And even if
I did know what you're talking about...Copy !req
62. how do you know
what you're talking ab—?Copy !req
63. Pam!
I'm not eavesdropping.Copy !req
64. Get your bloated carcass in here.Copy !req
65. What's up?
You disgusting little sneak.Copy !req
66. Have you been going through my desk?Copy !req
67. Okay, A, nobody cares about
your big knobbly vibrating eggplant.Copy !req
68. Huh?
B, sometimes I work late...Copy !req
69. and C, there's this new thing the kids
are doing called shutting the damn door.Copy !req
70. Forty ounce in my lap
And it's freezing my junkCopy !req
71. Shut up. Shut up.Copy !req
72. Then I put whipped cream
all over everything.Copy !req
73. Oh.
And then you know where this goes.Copy !req
74. Oh, shit, really?
Yo, ew!Copy !req
75. Talking about the whipped-cream
incident?Copy !req
76. Does everyone know about it?
Not everyone.Copy !req
77. Just us, Krieger.
Really just, you know, the core group.Copy !req
78. Pam, I should have you flensed.Copy !req
79. And what in God's name
do you people want?Copy !req
80. More rubber cement.
And SIGINT said to give this to you.Copy !req
81. Uh, radio chatter about an American agent
the KGB caught parachuting into Russia?Copy !req
82. Oh, guess who that is.
Really?Copy !req
83. Yeah. Hey, where's Archer?Copy !req
84. Probably hanging by his Achilles tendons
in some KGB hellhole.Copy !req
85. "Caught at border, taken to Vyborg"?Copy !req
86. Ray, get your purse and take some Midol.
You're going back for him.Copy !req
87. Mm, according to these notes
from my doctor, a radiologist...Copy !req
88. and my new neurologist,
I am doing no such thing.Copy !req
89. You little— Okay, then.Copy !req
90. Lana.
Yes?Copy !req
91. Start at the KGB field office in Vyborg.Copy !req
92. If he's not being held there,
go to St. Petersburg...Copy !req
93. and if he's not there,
you go straight to Moscow.Copy !req
94. Undercover?
Wha—? Of course undercover.Copy !req
95. As what? Russia's only black woman?Copy !req
96. Damn it.Copy !req
97. I can't have this getting blabbed
all over the agency, but...Copy !req
98. Oh, God,
someone has to go rescue my son...Copy !req
99. before he talks to Nikolai Jakov.Copy !req
100. Well, that someone
needs to be fluent in Russian...Copy !req
101. and a couple of contacts in the KGB
wouldn't hurt.Copy !req
102. Mm, could, um, this person be
from outside the agency?Copy !req
103. No, no, no.Copy !req
104. Oh, I know you two have had
your differences in the past.Copy !req
105. Uh, differences? Uh, ha, ha.Copy !req
106. You remember
that he shattered my femur, right?Copy !req
107. Which is why I'm in New York, by the way.
I need all new pins put in it.Copy !req
108. And I'm sure that must be—
Oh, and he sodomized my fiancée.Copy !req
109. You're still together?Copy !req
110. Oh, I'm sorry, ex-fiancée.
That's what I meant to say.Copy !req
111. Well, then it wasn't meant to be.
Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
112. L— I don't even know how to respond.Copy !req
113. What is meant to be is your going
to Russia to bring back my son...Copy !req
114. before he does any damage.
Or more damage.Copy !req
115. One million dollars.
Well, you can divide that by four.Copy !req
116. Come on. This is your son's life.
And my money.Copy !req
117. Fifty now,
200 when you bring him back.Copy !req
118. Alive.Copy !req
119. Uh...Copy !req
120. I'll do it on one condition.Copy !req
121. Nope.Copy !req
122. Lana, please.
I'm not having sex with Barry.Copy !req
123. You did once.
By accident. Mostly.Copy !req
124. And you were about to when you thought
it would get you my job.Copy !req
125. That was for work. And this is just for...Copy !req
126. Uh, Archer.
His life may very well depend on it.Copy !req
127. Oh. But he's such a douche bag.
I know, dear. But he's also my son.Copy !req
128. Not Archer.Copy !req
129. Well, also very much Archer.
But I'm talking about Barry.Copy !req
130. Who is, in fact, sitting right here.Copy !req
131. So you wanna do it on the desk or...?Copy !req
132. Hallway?
Where you wanna knock this out?Copy !req
133. Ugh, wherever.
After you bring back Archer.Copy !req
134. No, no. Before.Copy !req
135. We're doing it before.
After. Non-negotiable, Barry.Copy !req
136. Then can I bring you back anything
from Moscow?Copy !req
137. Maybe some nesting dolls of my penis.
lck.Copy !req
138. Sterling's already in Moscow?Copy !req
139. According to ODIN's guy in the KGB,
which, as a real agency, we have.Copy !req
140. We've got guys in the KGB too, smarty.Copy !req
141. Yeah, so I hear.Copy !req
142. Damn that— Pam!
I'm still not eavesdropping.Copy !req
143. Well, don't just stand here.Copy !req
144. Sterling's probably being tortured
as we speak.Copy !req
145. Don't worry, he's a high-value asset.Copy !req
146. I'm sure they're treating him just fine.Copy !req
147. Ahem. So, uh, yeah.Copy !req
148. Kind of wishing I'd taken my training
more seriously now.Copy !req
149. Which is, uh, pretty rare for me. Hi.Copy !req
150. I swear, I'm just a Finnish
skydiving enthusiast who—Copy !req
151. Shit, why am I speaking English?
With an American accent.Copy !req
152. Maybe because you're Sterling Archer.Copy !req
153. Who? No, no.Copy !req
154. You know what I bet happened
is all the shocks damaged my frontal lobe.Copy !req
155. The brain's language center?Copy !req
156. I think not.Copy !req
157. Okay, we wait some test on you.
So now I take coffee break.Copy !req
158. Uh, none for me. Have a nice break.Copy !req
159. Ten minutes. I drop kids off at pool.Copy !req
160. Psst. Hey, comrade.Copy !req
161. Hey, stupid.
Barry?Copy !req
162. Oh, my God, Barry, I— Holy shit. Barry?Copy !req
163. You're in the KGB?
I— No.Copy !req
164. No, dickbrain.
Your mother's paying me to rescue you.Copy !req
165. Oh. How much?
Quarter mil.Copy !req
166. Eh.
Plus, smell that.Copy !req
167. What am I smelling, Barry?
Nothing yet.Copy !req
168. But you wait.Copy !req
169. Um, okay. Uh, until then, do you have
some sort of escape plan or—?Copy !req
170. I thought I'd shoot you in the face,
smuggle you out in a coffin.Copy !req
171. Uh, how about something
a little less sarcastic?Copy !req
172. Uh, or less stupid?Copy !req
173. Lesson one—
Don't "lesson one" me.Copy !req
174. Always hide in plain sight.
Unless you've got a better idea.Copy !req
175. Uh, I might, maybe.
I mean, it depends on him.Copy !req
176. Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB?Copy !req
177. Yeah. He might be my father.
Wh—? Ha, ha.Copy !req
178. That's why you're in Russia?Copy !req
179. Yes, and if you tell anyone,
I'll murder you.Copy !req
180. Now shut up while I go confront
my putative father.Copy !req
181. You backstabbing, two-timing harlot.Copy !req
182. While he's in such a good mood.Copy !req
183. I know you have been sleeping
with that mudak, Len Trexler.Copy !req
184. Oh, like you're Mr. Monogamous.Copy !req
185. Wha— For 40 years, kroshka,
you are my only woman.Copy !req
186. Well, I didn't know that.Copy !req
187. Do you know your son is here
in the cells of the dreaded Lubyanka?Copy !req
188. Yes, that's why I'm—
And that I am now awaiting results...Copy !req
189. of DNA test to establishing paternity?
I thought they just wanted my hair...Copy !req
190. so their scientists could unlock the secret
of its luxuriant fullness.Copy !req
191. Touch it, Barry.
Uh, no.Copy !req
192. Go ahead.
It's not that thick back here.Copy !req
193. If he is not my biologic son,
I will put, personally, a bullet in his brain.Copy !req
194. Nikolai, please, I—Copy !req
195. So, what do you think are his odds?Copy !req
196. Well, I guess maybe 1-in-3Copy !req
197. Yeah, no, I do not like those odds.Copy !req
198. So, what was your plan again?
I think I remember thinking it was good.Copy !req
199. Wait, I— Nikolai?Copy !req
200. Oh, my God, he's going to kill him.Copy !req
201. Wow, so this is pretty serious, huh?
Well, Archer's being tortured...Copy !req
202. with 2-to-1 odds
he ends up brutally murdered, so yes...Copy !req
203. I'd say it's pretty serious.Copy !req
204. Oh.Copy !req
205. What?
Nothing.Copy !req
206. Were you talking about
we're out of rubber cement?Copy !req
207. Yes.Copy !req
208. What is wrong with you?
Bitch, I got ants all over me.Copy !req
209. Who cares about your glue withdrawal?
Jeez, what if Mr. Archer gets killed?Copy !req
210. Yeah, right. My luck's not that good.
Aah. Ew.Copy !req
211. Did I say "good"? I meant "fantastic."Copy !req
212. Roll it down.
We're hiding in plain sight.Copy !req
213. Roll it down.
For all of—Copy !req
214. What did we get, Barry, like six blocks?
Roll the goddamn window down.Copy !req
215. Afternoon, comrades.Copy !req
216. Papers?
Uh...Copy !req
217. What the shit, Barry?
What? We don't have any peppers.Copy !req
218. Or earplugs, you idiot.Copy !req
219. You know how bad that is for eardrums?
What?Copy !req
220. I said, do you know—?
I'm kidding. Drive the damn car.Copy !req
221. Unh. Idiot.Copy !req
222. I'm sorry. What was that?Copy !req
223. I said, um, how's, uh, your ex-fiancée?Copy !req
224. Oh!
"How is she?" I don't know, you tell me.Copy !req
225. Well, gee, Barry, what's French
for "deliciously depraved"?Copy !req
226. Ask your mom!
What's that supposed to mean?Copy !req
227. Was that not self-explanatory?Copy !req
228. It means, best-case scenario,
you have no idea who your father is.Copy !req
229. Worst case, he's head of the KGB.
Yeah?Copy !req
230. Well, at least I have a father, Barry.Copy !req
231. Does—? Are you implying my mother
gave virgin birth, or what are you—?Copy !req
232. No, Barry. I was implying that—Copy !req
233. Actually, I don't know what I was implying.
I just said it.Copy !req
234. But I think we may have a problem.Copy !req
235. Aw, you think?
Yes, Barry, that's why I said it.Copy !req
236. Kill them.Copy !req
237. Barry, wait, slow down.Copy !req
238. Why?
So I can go past you.Copy !req
239. Has anyone ever told you
you are profoundly self-centered?Copy !req
240. Yes.Copy !req
241. No. Nikolai, please, do something.Copy !req
242. Kroshka, he kill two military police.Copy !req
243. So even if he was my biologic son—Copy !req
244. If? But were the DNA results—?
Inconclusive.Copy !req
245. Sample was contaminated.Copy !req
246. Huh. Who do Archer think he is?
Only guy who want father?Copy !req
247. Under very suspicious circumstances.Copy !req
248. Out! Get out!Copy !req
249. I'm sorry, Malory.Copy !req
250. Even if he is my son, it is too late.Copy !req
251. I cannot help him.Copy !req
252. Uh, you could help, you know.
Yeah. So, now, uh, what are we doing?Copy !req
253. Running for our lives, Barry.Copy !req
254. I thought that was fairly obvious.
Yeah, yeah, but up that high thing?Copy !req
255. Unless you wanna stay here.Copy !req
256. Wow, uh, a lot of fears
kind of coinciding here.Copy !req
257. Aah! Who taught you women
how to shoot?Copy !req
258. It's just I'm not super big on heights.Copy !req
259. Here we go.
Ever since you threw me off a balcony.Copy !req
260. First of all, I didn't throw you off anything.
I dropped you.Copy !req
261. Oh, yeah. After I begged you not to.Copy !req
262. After I begged you not to rip my suit.
I was clinging for life.Copy !req
263. Yeah, to the silk-lined sleeve
of a bespoke Savile Row suit jacket.Copy !req
264. You know what—?
Oh, and a bespoke Turnbull & Asser shirt.Copy !req
265. Which you also ruined.
You ruined my life.Copy !req
266. Oh, that is bullshit.
Really?Copy !req
267. How would you phrase the fact that you
crippled me physically and emotionally?Copy !req
268. Not that, crybaby.
This. The door's locked...Copy !req
269. and, um,
that way's not looking too good.Copy !req
270. Wait, wait, wait, Barry. There.Copy !req
271. We'll jump it.
Uh, no, we won't.Copy !req
272. You got a better idea?
Hang on, hang on.Copy !req
273. No. No, it's gone.Copy !req
274. Oh, shit!Copy !req
275. Ow.
Now, see?Copy !req
276. This is why I did not wanna do this.
Oh.Copy !req
277. So, Barry, looks like the whole find-out-
who-my-father-is thing isn't happening...Copy !req
278. so now I wanna get out of here.Copy !req
279. So I'm thinking
that we probably should split up.Copy !req
280. No, no, no, please.
Archer, your boots are slipping, man.Copy !req
281. There's 200 pounds of asshole
hanging off them.Copy !req
282. One eighty-three, fat boy.
Whatever. Tell that to my silk socks.Copy !req
283. Why are you wearing silk socks?
Is that a joke?Copy !req
284. Archer, let me climb up you.Copy !req
285. Barry.
Please, Archer.Copy !req
286. Barry, buddy, this is happening.
Archer, no.Copy !req
287. Try to aim for that Dumpster.Copy !req
288. Bye, Barry.Copy !req
289. Dead center. Good work, Barry.Copy !req
290. Oh, for— Why don't you just go
to my house and take all my clothes?Copy !req
291. You shoot like old women.Copy !req
292. Seriously,
these people can't hit anything.Copy !req
293. See? Huh, was that so hard?Copy !req
294. Ow, ow, ow.Copy !req
295. What is this, a broken-glass factory?Copy !req
296. Uh, secret police.Copy !req
297. Those cannot be your only shoes.Copy !req
298. What am I saying? It's Russia.Copy !req
299. I bet people come from miles around
just to have their picture taken in those.Copy !req
300. Piece of— How are you a superpower?Copy !req
301. Okay, so here's the deal.
I'm commandeering these shoes.Copy !req
302. But I'm giving you this coat, so, uh...Copy !req
303. Hi. How you doing? Sterling Archer.Copy !req
304. Sorry I can't stay for dinner.Copy !req
305. I assume that smell is cabbage
and not just you two.Copy !req
306. Halt.
Make me.Copy !req
307. Eh. Nice apartment.
Thank you, comrade.Copy !req
308. Shut up. You're under arrest.Copy !req
309. Awkward.Copy !req
310. Don't even think
I want Jakov to be my father.Copy !req
311. He's really got a temper.Copy !req
312. Oh, that is bullshit.
Who would break in to this shithole?Copy !req
313. Come on. He's on the roof.Copy !req
314. Which is apparently a soldier factory.Copy !req
315. Sterling Archer.Copy !req
316. The world's most dangerous spy.Copy !req
317. So they say.
Hmm.Copy !req
318. You don't look so dangerous now.Copy !req
319. Think it's because I'm in loafers?
They're not mine.Copy !req
320. What is loafers?Copy !req
321. Hey, it's a versatile shoe.
Works with a turtleneck, obviously, but—Copy !req
322. And I'm seeing this more and more.Copy !req
323. —I really like them with a casual suit.Copy !req
324. Ahem. So, what do you guys think?
Loafers and a suit, yea or nay?Copy !req
325. No? Oh, you're more of
a lace-up crowd, huh?Copy !req
326. How? How is this happy playtime?Copy !req
327. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
328. Use your imaginations.
Make a soccer ball out of a dead cat.Copy !req
329. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
330. What the hell?Copy !req
331. Split upCopy !req
332. Did I just blow your mind? Huh!Copy !req
333. Oh! Ho-ho-ho! Uhn!Copy !req
334. What, you hear machine guns and decide
now's a good time to take out the—? Oh.Copy !req
335. Oh, that's groceries.Copy !req
336. I'm sorry, I thought it was garbage.Copy !req
337. Uh, here, take this.Copy !req
338. Get a welder to cut the top off that
and, bing, new umbrella stand, huh?Copy !req
339. Because hate to do it to you,
but I'm commandeering your vodka.Copy !req
340. We square?
Halt.Copy !req
341. Are we square?Copy !req
342. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
343. Nice extinguisher.
Thank you, comrade.Copy !req
344. Shut up. You're under—
Arrest. Bam!Copy !req
345. My collar.Copy !req
346. Really rethinking that tetanus booster
right about now.Copy !req
347. Rethinking a lot of things.Copy !req
348. Like taking the elevator.Copy !req
349. Not very green.Copy !req
350. Although, I do have 3 pounds of glass
in my feet.Copy !req
351. So this is how game ends for you.Copy !req
352. That's it? No lovely parting gifts?Copy !req
353. We will send flowers.Copy !req
354. To your mother.Copy !req
355. Mother.Copy !req
356. Sterling!Copy !req
357. There was nothing I could do.Copy !req
358. My poor baby boy,Copy !req
359. The doctors say that even if he
did not already have pins in that leg—Copy !req
360. Wait, what?Copy !req
361. —They could not have saved it.Copy !req
362. Oh, for— Jesus. Did you even try?Copy !req
363. I am sorry, Mr. Archer.
Goddamn it, I'm—Copy !req
364. Archer!Copy !req
365. That's what I said.Copy !req
366. Nikolai, don't you see?Copy !req
367. Sterling doesn't have any pins in his legs.Copy !req
368. I don'tCopy !req
369. Then if that is not Sterling, where is he?
Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
370. I am, if you'd hang on a damn minute.
Come on.Copy !req
371. We don't have all night.
Like you've got plans.Copy !req
372. Goodbye, Mr. Archer.
Hey.Copy !req
373. Um, thanks. Uh...Copy !req
374. Hello, Mrs...?
Miss.Copy !req
375. Excellent.
Kazanova.Copy !req
376. Katya Kazanova.Copy !req
377. Hi. I'm, uh—
Sterling Archer.Copy !req
378. Sterling Archer of— Yeah.
Of ISIS.Copy !req
379. Do you not wonder
how it is that I know your name?Copy !req
380. Well, I assume
I'm pretty famous here, so—Copy !req
381. I am KGB.
Oh. Oh.Copy !req
382. Well, then why did you—?
I want to help you escape, Sterling Archer.Copy !req
383. But only if you will promise me
one thing.Copy !req
384. Okay.
Take me with you.Copy !req
385. Okay.Copy !req
386. Super glad I didn't wet my pants.Copy !req