1. Because this is what was there, Lana!
Copy !req
2. There, where? Outside a clown college?
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3. - They have those here?
- I don't know! Archer, look out!
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4. - We'll never catch him!
- You should have thought about that...
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5. before you blew the damn drop!
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6. - I blew jack shit!
- Name dropper.
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7. And if you weren't so busy
trying to bang that waitress...
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8. you'd have noticed
that ODIN had agents in play!
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9. She was the hostess!
If you weren't blinded by jealousy...
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10. - Yes, I'm jealous.
- First step's admitting it.
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11. Jealous that ODIN's
gonna beat us again...
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12. - thanks to your epic poon-houndery!
- First of all...
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13. - Oh! Oh, my God.
- Great, good job.
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14. Shut up!
ODIN doesn't beat Sterling Archer.
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15. Only Sterling Archer beats...
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16. - Did you wanna finish that?
- Did you wanna finish...
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17. shutting your big fat,
negative-wordsy mouth?
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18. Whose fat mouth told the stupid
waitress he was an ISIS agent?
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19. Hostess. And I had a plan.
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20. - What, to get laid in the walk-in?
- Also. Because I'm not an ant, Lana.
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21. - I happen to see the big picture.
- Oh, really? Well, then where's...
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22. - Kasparov? Okay, that was a fluke.
- Ha, ha.
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23. Yeah, a fluke of nature.
Because I happen to have...
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24. - perfect situational awareness, Lana.
- Archer.
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25. - Which cannot be taught, by the way.
- Archer.
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26. - Like a poet's mind for...
- Archer.
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27. - Archer!
- To make the perfect word.
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28. - Archer!
- Goddamn it, I'm relishing the...
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29. - Ow. Way to go, Lana. Nice warning.
- Nice relishing. Ow.
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30. - Oh. Think that was ODIN?
- No, it's only you that beats you, buddy.
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31. - Hey, gang.
- Barry.
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32. Gee, thanks for
helping us catch Kasparov.
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33. - ODIN appreciates the assist.
- Yeah.
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34. And if you ever get tired
of playing JV ball...
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35. - you know where to find us.
- Oh, yeah, uh, where's that?
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36. Um, dick town? Ha, ha.
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37. Jesus, even their cards are nice.
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38. Lana, look at this. It's embossed.
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39. Oh, okay. Then, I guess, just pout.
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40. - That was the mayor of Paris...
- Name dropper.
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41. Who was just as eager as I am
to know why ISIS agents...
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42. - were terrorizing Paris!
- So I crashed a few cop cars...
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43. ran over a few mimes!
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44. So I don't play by the rules,
Mother, but I get results!
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45. Well, as long as you got Kasparov.
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46. Oh, uh, yeah, about that...
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47. That's why she can't have nice things.
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48. - Either that or I steal them. What?
- Hm? What's that?
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49. Hm? What do you want?
I'm a little busy for chitchat.
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50. - Busy trying to turn that thing on?
- Look at this!
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51. - O-N. Nothing.
- Well, just keep at it.
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52. - You're not my supervisor!
- I'm sorry, what?
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53. He sort of offered me a job at ODIN.
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54. - Barry Dillon?
- Uh...
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55. Barry "We have this whole
huge history together" Dillon?
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56. We don't have this whole huge history.
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57. - Oh. Oh, my God. Barry.
- Oh, yeah, right. Pretty sweet, huh?
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58. Using a mirror to reflect
the laser beam back into the laser?
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59. - Oh, my God!
- Yeah, sorry, it took so long.
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60. - And that I'm accidentally inside you.
- Not a problem.
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61. - But...
- I just wanna keep my options open!
Copy !req
62. So you can't breathe
a word of this to Malory.
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63. You know how she gets.
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64. - ODIN?
- Well, since I'm not appreciated here...
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65. What's to appreciate?
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66. Exactly! That's indicative
of your whole attitude, Mother!
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67. Sterling Malory Archer, you are...
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68. - of course free to pursue your options.
- My... Wait, hang on.
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69. And if ODIN made you a better offer,
what kind of mother would I be...
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70. if I stood in the way
of your happiness?
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71. Uh... Wait, what just happened here?
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72. Fine! She thinks I won't go?
Well, guess what!
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73. - I don't need her!
- I, however, do need your keycard.
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74. Yeah, hi, Barry Dillon please?
Yes, I'll hold!
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75. Oh, and just wait till I get to ODIN.
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76. I will. Keycard?
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77. - Oh. Here! God!
- They are the stuff-throwingest family.
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78. Okay, so after I call your vase guy...
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79. Freeze every one of his accounts!
And then get me Woodhouse.
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80. And we'll just see
how tough Sterling is...
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81. - when he can't suckle at my teat!
- Ugh.
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82. Woodhouse, she froze my accounts...
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83. and I need to get in my safe,
so open the goddamn door already!
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84. I'm afraid I can't...
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85. since ISIS actually pays the rent on the...
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86. Aah! Damn it! When did
we get a bulletproof door?
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87. After the Popeye incident, sir.
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88. Oh, right. Wait, so you kick
me out of my own house?
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89. Yes, sir. Although it pains me dearly.
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90. I'm gonna pain you dearly, Woodhouse!
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91. When I peel all your skin off with a flensing
knife, sew it into Woodhouse pajamas...
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92. and then set those pajamas on fire!
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93. - Hello?
- It's just you and me now, Reggie.
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94. So be a lad, put on some Mingus.
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95. Hi, Barry Dillon, please?
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96. Yes, it's Sterling Archer...
Oh. Yes, I'll hold!
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97. Oh, come on!
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98. We've got MI6 in the semis on Sunday...
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99. - and I am slicing it like a butcher.
- Just keep at it.
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100. - I think it's this new grip.
- So listen.
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101. Remember how you wanted me
to float that job offer to Lana Kane?
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102. - Love her, yeah. When does she start?
- Right?
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103. That's the thing. See,
I think Sterling Archer thought...
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104. - I was talking to him.
- Archer? You're kidding!
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105. I wish. I mean, obviously
the guy's great in the field.
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106. - Ha-ha-ha. Well, you would know.
- Now, see. Why do you do that?
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107. Why do you softball them in like that?
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108. - I'm sorry, how's the leg?
- Hurts when it rains.
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109. And when I think about Archer,
and so I blew him off.
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110. No, no, no, Barry, you blow him on!
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111. - "On" as in hire him? As in here?
- Yes!
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112. It'll drive his mother crazy.
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113. Gotta be the grip.
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114. And you froze all of Sterling's accounts?
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115. - Domestic and foreign?
- Even the one on the Isle of Man.
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116. Oh, my God, is that, like,
Whore Island for women?
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117. - No.
- Then you just watch, in no time...
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118. he'll be begging me to take him back.
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119. - He hasn't called, has he?
- No. How you holding up, Mama Bird?
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120. Well, except for your grossly
over-familiar tone, I couldn't be happier.
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121. - Even if Mr. Archer gets a job at ODIN?
- Oh, please. ODIN won't hire him.
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122. After the stunt he pulled in Berlin?
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123. - Well, whose fault is that, Barry?
- Yours.
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124. You bust in, shoot two
good double agents...
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125. And you think an appropriate
response is to ruin my suit?
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126. - Oh, and my shirt.
- I'm sorry.
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127. So will you please just help me up?
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128. - No.
- For which I am pretty genuinely sorry.
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129. Nothing two steel rods...
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130. - and 16 titanium screws couldn't fix.
- Come on, don't be shitty.
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131. - Yeah, Barry.
- It's water under the bridge.
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132. - Yeah, Barry.
- Because he's part of the family now.
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133. - So go put his stuff in his office.
- Yeah, Barry.
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134. Barry, hi.
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135. So I was wondering if your
tempting offer was still open.
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136. No, you silly man. About the job.
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137. No, just keeping my options open.
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138. Definitely come in. I mean,
we did kind of fill the position...
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139. but I don't know
if it's gonna be a good fit.
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140. I just don't see why you need this.
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141. Because this is a huge
opportunity for me...
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142. and I need to feel confident.
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143. In the interview?
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144. - Uh-huh.
- Oh, that looks great.
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145. Yeah, it feels pretty good.
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146. - So come on already, take a cut.
- What, like, out the window?
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147. Don't worry about it. I get
a deal on those, 90 cents a ball.
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148. Um, okay.
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149. God, you're a natural.
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150. - Bet it's all that lacrosse at boarding school.
- Yeah, 13 years' worth.
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151. Thirteen years? What,
she ship you off in kindergarten?
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152. - Ahem. Gosh, that must've been tough.
- No, l... I loved it. Um...
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153. Made a lot of good friends.
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154. Family, almost, is what they were.
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155. Speaking of, how's your mother
taking all this?
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156. Oh, please, I bet she
doesn't even miss me.
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157. Because he'll be back,
crying for his mommy.
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158. Just like that Christmas
break when I moved...
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159. and forgot to give my new address
to his stupid boarding school.
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160. I mean, he rode the train
into the city all by himself.
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161. He couldn't pick up a phone book?
Nine years old, and bawling...
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162. in that police station like a little girl.
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163. - Ha! What's that tell you?
- Kind of a lot, actually.
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164. Oh, shut up. I bet you're barren.
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165. - My God. On Christmas?
- Well, Christmas Eve, technically.
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166. Well, the lovely Framboise from HR...
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167. has some paperwork for you to sign.
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168. So why don't you follow her on down...
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169. - to your big new corner office.
- Okay.
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170. Where the sofa is soaked in Scotchgard.
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171. - It, uh...
- If you know what I mean.
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172. - Yeah, I think I do.
- It's resistant to stains.
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173. - Right, right, I got it.
- Super.
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174. Because we're one big family.
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175. Ugh.
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176. - Why do you make that sound?
- Gee, let's see.
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177. You're off to interview with ODIN...
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178. home of Barry "Oh, I forgot to mention
the naked laser thing" Dillon.
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179. ODIN isn't some co-ed freshman dorm
where everyone runs around screwing.
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180. I'm sorry, Framboise, it's not you.
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181. I mean, it's not me, either,
obviously. But in the office...
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182. - You don't sex on the women at ISIS?
- Constantly, but...
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183. you know, it's not allowed.
It's probably illegal.
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184. - But here...
- Here we are one big famille.
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185. Yeah, and the, uh, famille thing
actually makes this borderline creepy.
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186. - Perhaps if you tried it from behind?
- Yeah, let's try that.
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187. Don't get any on that snappy suit.
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188. Don't you have better things to do
than mince around and gawk?
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189. About a million.
But Cheryl was scared to come in here...
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190. so I took time out
of my busy mincing schedule...
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191. to tell you that you have a phone call.
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192. - Is it Sterling?
- I am sure I don't know.
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193. - Do you know you're a little bitch?
- Will you remember this conversation?
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194. - Probably not, no.
- Well, then **** off.
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195. Whoa, whoa with the language.
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
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196. You leave Bub out of this.
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197. And how dare you steal my son
away from me?
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198. - Steal him? You cut him loose.
- You cut him loose!
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199. - What?
- I want you to fire him, this instant.
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200. No, no, I can't do that.
He's happy here, he's making new friends.
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201. - Goddamn it, Archer!
- What, Barry?
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202. I said don't come in here.
Framboise, what'd I say?
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203. - He said do not come in.
- Yeah, Barry.
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204. - I don't care if he's happy.
- That's obvious.
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205. - Meaning what, exactly?
- Meaning, who leaves a 9-year-old kid...
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206. - in a police station on Christmas?
- Eve.
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207. - And he told you about that?
- Oh, we've had such great talks.
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208. - Fire him!
- Join him. Come work for me.
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209. - Have you lost your mind?
- Every time I see you.
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210. - Fire him.
- Can't do it.
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211. Can't or won't?
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212. - Either?
- Fine. Then go check your Telex.
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213. - Oh, my God. A burn notice?
- Look at that.
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214. "ISIS disavows Agent Sterling Archer,
a.k.a. Duchess."
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215. - Man, she loved that dog...
- "Who is to be considered..."
Copy !req
216. an unreliable asset and security risk."
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217. Oh, it must have killed her to do this.
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218. - Ha, ha. And I'm smirking.
- No, you don't smirk...
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219. at a mother's suffering, Barry,
you asshole!
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220. Ow! It's just, with the shattered femur,
and the gunshot wound...
Copy !req
221. and I don't know if you knew this,
but Framboise and I were...
Copy !req
222. - kind of engaged.
- I did not know that.
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223. - Yeah.
- And I served her up like a pudding.
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224. - Barry.
- Well, engaged to be engaged. Ow!
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225. Ass. If you love it, put a ring on it.
Okay, so you go fix this.
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226. You know, I'm not even sure
I want to now.
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227. - She was obviously into him. Mother...
- Ass.
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228. - Not Framboise. Archer.
- The burn notice?
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229. His mother just sent that to...
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230. - To every agency on the planet.
- CIA, MI6, Interpol.
Copy !req
231. - We can't keep him now, Barry.
- Oh. So...
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232. So you take him to the basement,
you put one in his ear.
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233. - Can you do that?
- Oh, my God.
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234. - That Framboise is a freak, huh?
- Yeah.
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235. Yeah, I can do that.
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236. No, as a matter of fact...
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237. - I don't have Barry on speed dial.
- Well, that's rather surprising.
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238. Know what's surprising?
Kissing you at the airport...
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239. dozing off in first class, then seeing you
on my flight when I get up to pee!
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240. - That, to me, is rather surprising.
- And really expensive, turns out.
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241. - Just...
- Ha, ha.
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242. Seriously. I mean, I don't
wanna sound like a jerk...
Copy !req
243. but that Framboise chick must have been
a prostitute before she got this gig.
Copy !req
244. - In, like, Bangkok.
- Ahem.
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245. I was almost embarrassed for her.
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246. - Where we going?
- We are heading down...
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247. - to sub-basement three.
- Is there a shower?
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248. Because I bet I just, like, reek of her.
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249. - One second. Dillon.
- Oh, Barry, you getting that?
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250. - Really?
- I'm brushing it your way, Barry.
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251. No, I'm actually at the lobby
right now. Two seconds.
Copy !req
252. - So wait, where are we on that shower?
- Head on back up to your office.
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253. There's actually
a private bathroom in there.
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254. Oh, good. Because,
like I said, I bet I just reek.
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255. Yeah, you've mentioned that.
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256. No. Baby, I am
putting you in the corner...
Copy !req
257. - where you will sit quietly.
- Hey, you.
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258. - Hey, you.
- And who are you?
Copy !req
259. Cyril Figgis, ISIS comptroller and...
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260. And very eager to sit here
quietly in the corner...
Copy !req
261. because he is so tired.
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262. Um, so I'll just be here, then?
Copy !req
263. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
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264. No, no, no!
Copy !req
265. Who put out a burn notice on Sterling?
Copy !req
266. - That would be you.
- What?
Copy !req
267. - Ha-ha-ha. Holy shit, the look on your face.
- But I would never. Not in a million...
Copy !req
268. - Get a mirror.
- Oh, dear God, did I drink absinthe?
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269. - That bottle and most of this one.
- Until we wrestled it away from you.
Copy !req
270. Because you don't know
how to share, beyotch.
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271. - Easy, tough guy.
- I don't remember any of that.
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272. Absinthe makes me black out.
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273. All right, you yellow sons of bitches.
Copy !req
274. Let's dance.
Copy !req
275. - It also makes you incredibly mean.
- And ugly.
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276. - Seriously. Danger zone.
- Beyotch.
Copy !req
277. - Well, don't just sit there. Undo this.
- Ooh.
Copy !req
278. - "Ooh" what?
- We can't, Ms. Archer. It's too late.
Copy !req
279. - I'm sorry, so, what are you saying?
- I, uh...
Copy !req
280. - Can you not give me a minute?
- No. You fire me, I take my things.
Copy !req
281. Take all the things! Here, take this!
Copy !req
282. Go staple my heart back together!
Copy !req
283. How am I the bad guy in this?
Copy !req
284. - So, Barry.
- Huh? That was Framboise, our head of HR.
Copy !req
285. - With whom I guess I won't be meeting?
- No, she's gone.
Copy !req
286. And so, remember how I said
we'd just hired someone?
Copy !req
287. - Yes.
- And so remember Sterling Archer?
Copy !req
288. Wait, wait, wait, Lana.
Copy !req
289. Barry, if you touch me, I swear
to God I will put you in the ground.
Copy !req
290. That was before his mother
put out a burn notice on him.
Copy !req
291. What? Malory burned Archer?
Copy !req
292. - Worldwide.
- Holy shit.
Copy !req
293. - Yeah, so he's gone.
- Already? Like, literally gone?
Copy !req
294. Oh, my God. I liked her better mean.
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295. He's gone. I killed my baby boy...
Copy !req
296. and now my baby is gone!
Copy !req
297. - Oh, now, you can always...
- Always what?
Copy !req
298. Well, I was gonna say
you can have another baby...
Copy !req
299. but you're all dried up in there.
Copy !req
300. No, no, no, like, figuratively gone.
Unlike Framboise...
Copy !req
301. whose car should be
blowing up any minute.
Copy !req
302. - Oh! Ooh-la-la!
- Uh...
Copy !req
303. May I help you avec your box?
Copy !req
304. - So Archer's still here?
- Yeah, he's in that corner office.
Copy !req
305. And once Facilities cleans
his brains out of it...
Copy !req
306. - it can be your office.
- Really?
Copy !req
307. I don't think
the cleaning staff does brains.
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308. I mean, you shoot him
and I get an office...
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309. - overlooking the Champs-Elysées?
- And the bank where you'll drive...
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310. your new company car
to deposit your insane paychecks...
Copy !req
311. and maybe, if you stand on those tiptoes,
your huge apartment.
Copy !req
312. - Huge as in?
- As in you won't see your live-in servants...
Copy !req
313. unless you really want to.
Let me go shoot this prick.
Copy !req
314. - Wait. Let me do it.
- Really?
Copy !req
315. - Because I would kind of love to.
- Not as much as I would.
Copy !req
316. - You guys kind of have a history, huh?
- Yeah, you could say that.
Copy !req
317. - Knock yourself out.
- These servants, if I did see them...
Copy !req
318. - would they curtsy meekly?
- Heh. Well, otherwise, what's the point?
Copy !req
319. Archer!
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320. Come on.
Lana, why the hell are...?
Copy !req
321. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lana, no!
Copy !req
322. Barry, does this make up for Framboise?
Copy !req
323. It does, Other Barry, it sure does.
Copy !req
324. Barry? I guess, go ahead
and call Facilities or whatever.
Copy !req
325. Because there is lamp everywhere.
Copy !req
326. - God, Lana! Get on with your life already!
- Oh!
Copy !req
327. - Telex. You got one in here?
- Why, so you can smash that too?
Copy !req
328. - No.
- I'm pretty sure I'm financially...
Copy !req
329. - responsible for the furnishings.
- So I can send a telex from ODIN...
Copy !req
330. to make the burn notice from your
mother look like an ODIN black flag.
Copy !req
331. - Mother burned me?
- Apparently.
Copy !req
332. Oh, my God, that's classic her.
Copy !req
333. You're both classic her.
Shut up, get dressed...
Copy !req
334. and grab the keys to that car.
Copy !req
335. We've got about two minutes before some
ODIN dick sees this and seals the exits.
Copy !req
336. Any way we can bump that to five?
Copy !req
337. - I need a shower.
- Archer!
Copy !req
338. Okay, God. Climb down off that rag.
Copy !req
339. Oh, my God,
looks like Jonestown in here.
Copy !req
340. Yes, Pam. Get me some poison.
Because I am already dead inside.
Copy !req
341. Too dead inside to read good news?
Copy !req
342. - Is it my obituary?
- Well, it's not that good.
Copy !req
343. Give me that, you oaf!
Copy !req
344. "All agencies..."
Copy !req
345. disregard ISIS burn
notice on Agent Archer...
Copy !req
346. "a.k.a. Duchess."
Copy !req
347. An ODIN black flag operation!
Copy !req
348. Pam, he's alive. My Sterling is alive.
Copy !req
349. Oh. And look at happy little Mama Bird.
Copy !req
350. Well, the blowback on ODIN
for this will be huge.
Copy !req
351. - And I saw it coming. I knew it.
- Uh-huh.
Copy !req
352. Just like I knew Sterling would
come crying back to mommy...
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353. wiping his snotty nose on his sleeve...
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354. - like a scared little boy on Christmas.
- Uh-huh.
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355. Eve. It was only Christmas Eve.
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356. - I know. Good to have you back.
- And?
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357. - And?
- And do you just plan to loom over me...
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358. - all day, like some sort of henge?
- Okay.
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359. Well, you see? This is why.
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360. This is why we can't have nice things.
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361. Barry, you asshole!
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362. - How am I the bad guy in this?
- Because I wanted this, Archer.
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363. I'm sick of you getting
the best assignments...
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364. just because your mother is the boss.
Do you know what that's like?
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365. - Besides awesome?
- Oh!
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366. - Hang on, I think my car's on P-2.
- Well, I have to get Cyril, who's on...
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367. - Framboise, hello.
- Hello.
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368. Oh, man. That's bad.
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369. - Yes, now. Let's talk this out.
- Talk what out?
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370. How you ruined my chance
to work for ODIN?
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371. Or, ooh, maybe how I just
caught my boyfriend...
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372. - balls-deep in some French chick.
- Ex-boyfriend, I bet.
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373. - You think?
- Yeah, he's not coming back.
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374. That chick was like the Pele of anal.
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375. - Archer?
- Sorry, I know this is tough.
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376. I mean, Cyril, whatever, but your feelings
for me are obviously conflicted...
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377. You're right, Archer, I am conflicted.
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378. Because if I had shot you in the face,
I'd be living here.
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379. - Getting curtsied at by servants.
- Yeah, but you couldn't do it.
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380. Maybe we both belong at ISIS,
you know?
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381. - Maybe that's our real home.
- That's what Mother said...
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382. about boarding school.
And really, sorry about Cyril.
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383. - Me too.
- Even if you brought it on yourself.
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384. - Excuse me?
- Oh, come on, I don't recall ever seeing...
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385. - a welcome mat at your back door.
- Archer.
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386. But wait, would that cheer you up?
Me and you, a little revenge-anal?
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387. - Archer?
- Yes?
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388. - You wearing a seatbelt?
- Uh, no, why...?
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389. So, uh, is that a yes, or a maybe, or?
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390. What?
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391. Oh, okay. Then, I guess, just pout.
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