1. All aboard, for safety and adventure!
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2. On the rigid airship Excelsior...
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3. where the pampered
luxury of a cruise ship...
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4. meets the smoothness
of modern air travel.
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5. Yes, when you fly Excelsior,
you're flying in style!
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6. - And safety!
Safety?
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7. - But isn't hydrogen flammable?
- And how, Timmy!
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8. That's why Excelsior is filled with safe...
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9. natural helium.
Why, it's actually flame-retardant!
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10. - Neat!
- And safe!
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11. So, whether you're enjoying
Excelsior's majestic vistas...
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12. duty-free shopping,
high-stakes baccarat...
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13. dancing with your lovely wife...
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14. or even a cigar after
a French gourmet dinner...
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15. you'll be enjoying them in style.
And safety!
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16. - All aboard Excelsior!
God.
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17. Who'd wanna put a bomb on that?
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18. That's what we're hoping
ISIS can find out.
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19. No, why bother? Some broad gets on there
with a staticky sweater, and boom, it's:
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20. "Oh, the humanity!"
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21. - No, no, that...
- Sterling.
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22. Were you watching some other
commercial just now?
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23. It's a rigid airship.
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24. - Filled with helium.
- Which is non-flammable! Dumb-ass.
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25. I thought our promotional
video covered that fairly well.
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26. Oh, and how. Sterling, it's totally safe.
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27. Well, except for the bomb threat.
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28. No, not to worry, dear.
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29. ISIS won't let terrorists
blow up your lovely blimp.
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30. - Rigid airship.
- My top two agents will be on board.
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31. - Nope!
- And I will oversee the operation...
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32. personally from what I assume
will be first-class accommodations.
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33. Oh, actually we are fully booked.
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34. Well, if you think, oh, I don't know...
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35. this "Trudy Beekman" person
can thwart a major terror plot.
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36. I suppose we could bump Mrs. Beekman.
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37. - Bump me, I'm not going.
- If these two share a cabin.
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38. - Nope!
- Not going to let the terrorists win!
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39. - We'll pose as husband and wife!
- Nope!
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40. Cyril would totally freak.
Malory, let me stay with you.
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41. We'll do the whole
Oprah-Gayle thing.
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42. Nope! I need a stateroom to myself...
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43. in case I have a gentleman caller.
- Um...
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44. - Mother, please.
- Please...
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45. do not make me do this.
- But Lana...
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46. think of the innocent
lives you'll be saving.
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47. And also the fact
that this is a direct order.
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48. At least tell me it's separate beds.
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49. - Um... Hmm.
Ugh.
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50. Lana.
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51. Lana.
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52. Lana!
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53. - Lana!
- What?
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54. Danger zone!
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55. Terrible, awful, just gut-wrenchingly
bad feeling about this.
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56. Baby, I really need you to trust me.
Okay, now...
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57. is the cabin small? Yes.
And yet...
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58. surprising amount of storage.
- Ugh. And I'll hardly be in here, okay?
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59. I've got a terrorist to find,
and I doubt he's hiding under...
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60. - What's basically a twin bed.
- Archer.
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61. Since it's all drawers under here,
because look how tiny this room is!
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62. - Oh, my God, it's like a broom closet.
- And yet, a surprising amount of storage.
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63. Oh, shut up, and Cyril?
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64. - Very eager to know why you're still here.
- He was just...
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65. - Just helping Lana get settled.
- Trust me, Cyril. She already settled.
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66. - Hey!
- Hey!
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67. Disembark, Cyril. We're about to...
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68. launch, or whatever blimps do.
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69. Yeah, what does a blimp do, Pam?
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70. Uh... Kick your skinny ass?
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71. Now come on, we gotta
get off this thing before...
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72. Relax! God, we've got half an hour.
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73. Oh. Well then,
make me a double Campari and, uh...
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74. I guess vodka?
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75. - We don't normally drink on the bridge.
- Well, I don't normally fly...
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76. on the Hindenburg 2.0.
- It's not...
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77. Cyril doesn't normally storm off
without even kissing me goodbye!
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78. We're all out of our comfort zone.
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79. - Not me, my stateroom is gorgeous.
- Oh.
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80. That, what's her name, Beekman?
I bet she's just sick she got bumped.
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81. Yes, she literally vomited from anger.
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82. So if we could just focus
on the bomb threat?
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83. How about crew members?
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84. - Anyone who might be disgruntled?
- Um...
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85. That's Lieutenant Krauss.
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86. He and I were both up
for command of the Excelsior, but...
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87. You got it. Leaving him with motive.
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88. Release the mooring cable!
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89. Come on!
It's not Larry Luftwaffe, that's...
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90. Oopsie. Ha-ha-ha.
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91. - Ugh, way too obvious.
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92. God damn it! We're moving!
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93. - I know!
- What happened to half an hour?
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94. - I lied!
- What?
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95. Why the hell are you two still here?
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96. Because I knew you'd be here, because
you don't trust Lana with Mr. Archer.
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97. No! No, now that is...
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98. - So ironic, Cyril!
Ugh.
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99. - Especially in light of recent...
No.
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100. Rug-burny events.
- Oh, my God!
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101. You two banged?
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102. L... Uh... See, here's the thing...
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103. - Fruit basket!
- Wow. You are just a dog in a manger.
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104. I don't know what that means, Pam.
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105. - I didn't grow up on a cheese farm.
- Oh, for the...
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106. It's called a dairy.
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107. Even a hint of a problem
on our maiden voyage...
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108. would kill Excelsior's stock price.
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109. So, Lana, canvas the passengers
and crew...
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110. learn what you can about Krauss...
- But please, be discreet!
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111. Hey, good advice!
Which maybe I'll just sort of fold in...
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112. with my 12 years of experience
as a covert operative.
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113. Don't be snotty.
And Sterling, if there is a bomb...
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114. Captain, dear, where would
it do the most damage?
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115. - Probably in...
- This new place called anywhere?
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116. - This whole thing's a bomb. Jesus!
- It's not...
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117. - Wanna blow us all to shit, Sherlock?
- Ow!
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118. - Sterling!
- For the last time...
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119. the Excelsior is filled
with non-flammable helium!
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120. Although this is a non-smoking area, sir.
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121. Damn it, he's a prospective investor!
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122. Not after that, I bet. And forget
about Krauss. There's your bomber.
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123. - Who? What?
That guy. Beardsley McTurbanhead.
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124. You idiot. That's Sandu Singh,
the billionaire investor!
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125. - He's a Sikh!
- Oh, so if he's not a Muslim...
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126. he just gets a pass?
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127. That's called profiling,
Mother, and I don't do it.
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128. - Singh is Excelsior's majority shareholder.
- So?
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129. If anything went wrong on this flight,
he'd lose millions.
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130. - It's a perfect cover.
- Sterling.
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131. Just look for the stupid bomb.
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132. Relax. What do we have, like,
four hours before we get to London?
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133. - Sterling, are you joking?
- The crossing takes 24 hours.
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134. - Are you joking? What?
- Rigid airships...
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135. combine the pampering
of a cruise ship...
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136. with the speed of...
- Some other, slightly faster ship?
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137. Uh... Hello, airplanes? Yeah, it's blimps.
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138. You win, bye! Oh, God.
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139. - I hope you didn't invest in this.
- It'll be fine, though.
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140. As long as nothing
goes wrong on this flight.
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141. Oh, captain, my captain...
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142. with ISIS on board,
what could possibly go wrong?
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143. Pick one!
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144. Either A, I tell Lana what happened
on that scratchy green office rug...
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145. or two, you get inside me.
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146. Or C, maybe I just jam this mop...
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147. into the engine and kill all of us.
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148. - I don't think that's how blimps work.
- Darn, right.
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149. We'd just sort of float around.
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150. Stupid naturally safe helium!
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151. But I am liking the jamming imagery.
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152. - And the killing.
- And are you just gonna sit there?
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153. Yeah, until she tags me in!
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154. - What?
- I'm kidding!
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155. My back's all messed up.
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156. So you're ruining Cyril's life because...
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157. in your "dream the impossible dream"
world, it'll make Mr. Archer jealous?
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158. Oh, Pamela. You read me like a poem.
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159. Yeah? What's the poem gonna be about
when Cyril snaps and murders you?
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160. I don't know. World's gushiest orgasm?
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161. Can you just get out of the way!
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162. - What, are you gonna shoot me again?
- Yes!
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163. Oh. Well, then hang on.
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164. Cyril's already freaked out enough
about us sharing this shoebox...
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165. without you air-drying your
unkempt bush.
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166. Unkempt bush? You're one to talk.
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167. Ah. My vulva is smoother
than a veal cutlet.
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168. - With terrible timing.
- Oh, really.
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169. - Baby...
- Did I interrupt something?
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170. Oh... Rehearsal with your
Commodores tribute band?
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171. Archer! Cyril, what are you doing here?
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172. I wanted to tell you
something very important...
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173. but apparently you're too busy
showing off your vealy vulva!
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174. Cyril! You know, your whole
trust thing, and I've tried to, okay?
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175. Okay, you know what?
We are on a break!
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176. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
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177. - Well, that's fine by me.
- Cyril, wait.
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178. No running!
Shut up.
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179. - Oh, my God, what have l...
- What're you doing? Go after him!
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180. - Oh. You think I should?
- Yes!
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181. We're almost out of fruit.
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182. Which is why I find it strange
that you're so incredibly calm.
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183. Well, that seaweed wrap
just slurps out the stress.
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184. Can't wait to tell
Trudy Beekman all about it.
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185. If, um, we ever meet.
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186. - What about you? Anything on Krauss?
- No. Shut up.
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187. - Have you seen Cyril?
- What? Why would I have?
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188. - And what the hell is he doing?
- Hey!
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189. - What'd I tell you, huh? Huh?
- Ow! Uhn!
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190. There! Go buy a nicotine patch!
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191. - Gentlemen.
- No, no, no, what happened to discretion?
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192. - What happened to that bartender?
- Right? Guy sees an empty glass...
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193. and all of a sudden he's Judge Crater.
- Oh, for God's sake!
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194. Nigel, some chips for mister?
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195. Archer. Ha. Sterling Archer.
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196. The minimum bet is ten thousand, sir.
Dollars.
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197. I stuffed all my money
in that guy's mouth, because...
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198. Well, perhaps we could play
for something much more interesting.
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199. Yeah, cause that was seriously, like,
all the cash I had on me, so.
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200. So if I win, I spend a night
of passion with your exquisite wife.
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201. - My wi...? Oh, yes, my wife, of course.
- Oh!
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202. Yeah, that's a deal! But if I win...
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203. you tell me where the bomb... What?
- Baccarat! Mr. Singh wins.
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204. - Wait, wait, wait, we were going?
- The von Zeppelin suite.
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205. I shall expect her within the hour.
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206. She's not gonna be happy about that.
Um...
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207. What, are you mostly paid in tips?
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208. - Almost entirely, sir.
- Heh.
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209. Ahem. Mm-hm.
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210. Well, whose fault is that?
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211. Prancing around in your Fiacci knockoffs...
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212. blathering about your vulva.
- Hey, first of all...
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213. I'm just saying! You're driving
Cyril straight toward another woman.
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214. Cyril? With another woman?
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215. Malory, seriously. Look at me.
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216. Look at me! Look at and choke me!
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217. - Oh, yes, yes! Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God, what am I doing?
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218. - Ruining your life, you idiot.
- Ha-ha-ha.
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219. And making it hard to drop a deuce.
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220. - Uh... I'm sorry, what?
- You. Now. Led Zeppelin suite.
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221. You have no proof Singh's the bomber.
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222. - He hinted...
- That's profiling.
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223. That the proof was in his cabin!
- Really?
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224. Yes! So go down there and find it...
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225. while I go find the bomb.
- Ugh. Bombs, bombers, vulvas.
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226. - You people are just ruining my trip.
Uh...
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227. Well, don't stand here gaping at me!
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228. Go thwart something!
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229. - No running!
- Zip it, Zipperface!
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230. Oh. Kidding, sorry. Hey, have you
seen that nerdy fruit-basket steward?
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231. Check the Kaiser Wilhelm suite.
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232. You really need new names on...
Hey, what were you doing in there?
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233. Things for authorized personnel only!
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234. So don't go in there. It's verboten!
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235. Ah. Okay. Probably merits a follow-up.
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236. Archer?
- Cyril? What're you...?
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237. Archer, I need your help!
I think I'm losing it here, man!
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238. What gave it away, my mother's...?
Why are you wearing my mother's robe?
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239. - I can explain.
- I don't think I want you to.
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240. - See, it all started when you and Lana...
- Cyril! You should tell her this.
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241. I tried! But you were naked
and it was all vulva this, and vulva that.
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242. Yeah, and as you're standing here, dick and
or balls caressed by my mother's robe, ugh...
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243. Lana is waiting for you.
- Really? Where?
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244. The Led Zeppelin suite.
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245. - There's a von Zeppelin suite.
- Which I'm sure is what I meant. So, go!
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246. - Thanks, Archer! You're the best!
- I know.
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247. So yes, the bottom line is that
I was unfaithful to you.
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248. Two... Well, three times, I guess,
if a dry-humpy choker counts.
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249. And if you can't see
it in your heart to forgive me...
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250. I will forgive you.
Because that's what love is, Lana.
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251. It's forgivey.
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252. Which is not a word. Come on, Figgis!
All right, here we go.
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253. - Oh, why?
- Hello!
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254. - So, that's your idea of a break, huh?
- Cyril! It's not what it looks like!
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255. Well, then, what is it?
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256. Okay, so Cyril got in over his head.
- Jesus, God, did he kill her?
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257. No, no, no, he ran from her!
To go confess to Lana...
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258. but so then this one starts freaking out,
and long story short...
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259. I kinda had to drown her in the tub.
- So you killed her?
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260. Apparently not, so...
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261. good news.
Shut up, Pam.
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262. Did Cyril run by here
crying in a woman's bathrobe?
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263. Well, it wouldn't surprise me.
You're driving him stark raving mad.
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264. - What'd I do?
- What'd you do?
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265. Running around all up
and down this stupid blimp.
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266. - Against the rules.
- Half-naked, tits bouncing around...
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267. like you're at a rodeo,
then going back to some billionaire's suite?
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268. - I was trying to stop a bomb plot.
- Oh, my God, there is no bomb!
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269. - More good news.
- And just how do you know that?
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270. Ugh.
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271. Because I made the bomb threat!
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272. Trudy Beekman booked the very last
ticket on this flight, so it was all:
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273. "Meh, meh, meh. I'm Trudy Beekman.
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274. I'm on the co-op board
and I'm going on a blimp! Meh!"
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275. - So, yes, I made a phony bomb threat.
- Good for you.
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276. And yet you lecture me. Lovely.
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277. Hello?
- So, what would you say if I told you...
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278. that your mother made
a phony bomb threat...
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279. just to get a free ride on a blimp?
- I'd say that's fairly classic her?
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280. - Oh, shut up.
- And then I'd just sorta laugh...
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281. at the, uh...
The whatchamacallit.
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282. Irony.
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283. There's actually a bomb on board?
Archer?
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284. Archer? Oh, what the hell?
Where the **** are you going?
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285. Gotta get my turtleneck.
I'm not defusing a bomb in this!
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286. - No running!
Shut up!
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287. Oh, and Lana, maybe you ought to
grab the Kraut. He's the bomber.
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288. What is this?
You know what it is, Fritz!
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289. - So shut your schnitzel-hole and disarm it.
- Oh.
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290. I get it. The German guy mit a scar...
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291. must be the bad guy.
Well, you know how I got this scar?
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292. Saving a Jewish girl
from a gang of skinheads.
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293. - Oh, Jesus.
- Yeah! And so Krauss gets a curb party.
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294. - Wow. Now I feel like an asshole.
- Your words.
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295. But could you be a lamb
and disarm it anyway?
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296. Yeah, probably.
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297. Okay, got the turtleneck
and my wire cutters. Now where are we?
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298. We're at you just shot the guy
who could disarm the bomb, jackass!
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299. What...? I didn't shoot him!
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300. - You think I'd bring a gun on this firetrap?
- Then who did it?
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301. - I did!
Captain Lammers!
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302. Nice read, Velma.
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303. "Keep your 401 K in company stock,"
they said.
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304. "The price can only go up," they said!
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305. - Well, guess what!
- Um, it didn't?
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306. Who the hell wants
a two-day blimp ride to London?
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307. - Which is our only route!
- Okay, so it's a niche market, but...
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308. Blowing it up will send
the stock price down to zero.
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309. Yeah, that's why I shorted it!
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310. - But what about all the other employees?
- Um...
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311. - See? It's that kinda selfish shit...
- Lana, no! You'll kill us all!
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312. For the last time, you idiot!
It's not hydrogen...
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313. it's helium!
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314. And what about that are
you still not getting, exactly?
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315. Well, obviously the core concept, Lana!
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316. Sorry, I didn't go to Space Camp.
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317. How about bomb defusal camp?
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318. No, actually lacrosse camp. If that helps.
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319. I mean, a lot of those skills
are universal.
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320. - Shut up. Agent Gillette, please.
- Oh, great.
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321. Come on people, talk to me!
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322. What are we thinking? What are we doing?
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323. - What are we wearing?
- My crisis vest. Mr. Fatface.
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324. - Lana? Hey, girl, are you there?
- Yeah, I'm... Hey, can you see me?
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325. - I see your knockoff Fiacci drawers.
- Ha-ha. You are such a bitch.
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326. - Hey, Ray.
- Ugh.
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327. - Let's see that ignition, girl.
You got it?
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328. East German crap,
probably a GK-31 or 32.
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329. So on the side of the timer,
there should be a serial number.
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330. That'll tell me which wire
y'all need to cut.
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331. Got it?
- Yeah, I see it! Ready?
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332. - Since first call.
- Nine, three, four...
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333. T, X, S.
- T-X-X? Two X's?
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334. X- S! Like INXS!
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335. N-X-X? Jesus, use
the NATO phonetic alphabet!
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336. - The what? Duh.
Christ on sale, is it S?
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337. Sierra! Ray...
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338. it's niner three four,
Tango, X-ray, Sierra!
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339. Thank you, doll! Now there should
be a dash, followed by two letters.
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340. - Okay.
- Okay, so now I want you to cut...
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341. the blue and white wire.
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342. - Which one? There's two of those.
- No...
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343. One's blue with a white stripe...
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344. and the other's white
with a blue stripe.
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345. - Yeah, and both are identical!
- No! They're not!
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346. Ray? Hon? They're really similar.
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347. One's a teeny bit... Blue, honey.
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348. - Which one?
- I guess that one, maybe?
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349. - So wait, which one do I cut?
- The teeny bit... Blue one!
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350. Okay!
- O-K?
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351. - Wait! Stop!
- What?
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352. You said the letters
after the dash were Oscar Kilo!
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353. - Who?
- What?
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354. - O-K! Oscar Kilo!
- No, "Okay!"
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355. "Okay, now I'm gonna
tell you what they are!"
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356. - Then you didn't!
- I thought we skipped that part!
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357. - Skipped a step in disarming a bomb?
- Which I thought...
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358. was pretty irresponsible on your part.
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359. - Why do you always do this?
- Why do you always not shut up?
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360. - Stop.
- On the radio...
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361. when we answer
in the affirmative...
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362. we say, "Roger."
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363. - Roger. Sorry. Ray.
- Now. In the serial number...
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364. what are the two letters
following the dash?
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365. - You ready?
God damn it, Archer!
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366. - First letter is B.
- Bravo.
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367. Thanks, second letter is N.
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368. M as in Mike, or N as...
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369. - As in Nancy! God, you of all people.
- What?
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370. Archer!
- Me of all people?
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371. - Nothing.
- Ray, hon.
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372. - Okay.
- Oh, so you can say okay?
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373. - Oh, my God.
- Ray, can I shoot him?
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374. In about five seconds, honey.
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375. Lana, be careful! Jesus, the helium!
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376. Right after he cuts the solid green wire.
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377. - The green color is solid, or?
Roger.
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378. Oh. Roger. Cutting the green wire.
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379. Archer!
- Jesus, God! What?
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380. That's how annoying you are.
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381. - Your mom's annoying! How about that?
- Let's go there.
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382. Let's go here! Where Archer...
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383. shut up and cut
the goddamn wire already!
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384. You shut up and I'm doing it! God!
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385. - Oh, my... Ray!
What's going on?
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386. - The timer sped up!
- Did you cut the green one?
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387. - Yes! Roger! Steven! Whoever!
- Ray!
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388. - What were the last two letters?
B.
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389. - As in butt hole.
- What do we do here?
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390. And M! As in Mancy!
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391. What?
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392. - M as in what?
- Mancy! What'd you think I said?
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393. - Nancy! You idiot!
Oh, yeah!
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394. I can see how...
Then I was like "You of all..."
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395. - Exact! Same! Spot!
- Ray?
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396. Ray? Tell me what to do!
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397. So do you all have parachutes?
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398. No!
- That would be, you know, problem solved.
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399. - Ray!
- I don't know.
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400. Push it off with your big-ass hands.
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401. Good luck, honey.
- It's too heavy!
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402. - Archer?
- Aah! Aah! Aah!
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403. - I can not do this alone!
- You're not alone!
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404. Baby! You came back to me!
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405. Well, I really... Lana, there's
a lot you and I need to talk about.
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406. And let's do that.
Right after we shove...
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407. this huge bomb off the blimp!
- Okay, but then we seriously need to...
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408. - Cyril!
- Sorry, here we go.
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409. Lana! We're not gonna make it!
- Yes, we are, Cyril!
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410. We are gonna make it.
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411. - Ha. Oh, my God! Lana, we made it!
- Oh.
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412. Hooray for metaphors.
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413. I told you. Ha-ha.
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414. Okay, now then.
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415. - What did you want to talk about?
- Um...
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416. Well, uh, a lot of stuff, really.
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417. Starting with the fact
we just bombed Ireland.
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418. Um... Pretty sure that's Wales.
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