1. I get to go to the French Riviera
on the ISIS dime to do what?Copy !req
2. Locate a stolen shipment
of Redeye missiles...Copy !req
3. and kill the arms dealer trying
to sell them, Spirodon Skorpio.Copy !req
4. Whoa, what, is diabetes busy?Copy !req
5. Don't underestimate Skorpio. There's
a reason the bounty on him is so high.Copy !req
6. - Like, high enough to redo my kitchen?
- Ugh. What did I tell you?Copy !req
7. That Saltillo tile is terrible
for a kitchen because it's so porous.Copy !req
8. And Mexican whore-house-y.
So I'm sure your cook feels at home.Copy !req
9. - Hey, Pita isn't a whore.
- Not until you got a hold of her.Copy !req
10. - First of all...
- Oh, shut up. The bounty on Skorpio...Copy !req
11. - is more than enough for a new kitchen...
- I also have the nook...Copy !req
12. And the rest you can set aside
for Pita's inevitable medical expenses.Copy !req
13. Ugh. Like, one time that happened.Copy !req
14. It's pretty late. Why don't you take a cab?Copy !req
15. Mr. Sterling? I have problem.Copy !req
16. I'll pay for it.Copy !req
17. Again? Seriously, Pita...Copy !req
18. You're killing me here. Again?
This was supposed to be coconut shrimp.Copy !req
19. One, three times. But it's the Pope's
fault she won't let me wear a condom.Copy !req
20. - Why don't you wear a vasectomy?
- This again? Don't you want a grandkid?Copy !req
21. Well, if I did, I'd just scrape all
your previous mishaps into a big pile...Copy !req
22. - and knit a onesie for it.
- Jesus Christ.Copy !req
23. - Sorry, I've been fasting and I'm edgy.
- Still though...Copy !req
24. - Sterling.
- Okay. If there's money left...Copy !req
25. after the kitchen,
then vasectomy maybe.Copy !req
26. You do want the assignment?Copy !req
27. - Yeah, I want it.
- You really, really, really want it?Copy !req
28. Yes. I really want it.Copy !req
29. Well, too bad. Because guess what.Copy !req
30. Womp-womp.Copy !req
31. - Why does she get the mission?
- Because I said so.Copy !req
32. Either way, we have a plane to catch.Copy !req
33. We? Why are you going?Copy !req
34. I'm going to, um, a conference?Copy !req
35. Oh, well, isn't that convenient?Copy !req
36. If you think that's convenient,
wait till you see my new kitchen.Copy !req
37. Ha! Seriously though, you should look
through some of her design catalogs.Copy !req
38. So, zoom, you're just
jetting off to France?Copy !req
39. - Isn't that kind of sudden?
- No, baby.Copy !req
40. Sudden is wanting to move
in with somebody after four months.Copy !req
41. Talking. Just talking about it.Copy !req
42. You know, I mean, jeez,
I moved in with my last girlfriend...Copy !req
43. - after four weeks.
- What are you, a lesbian?Copy !req
44. Why, would you be into that?
Just curious.Copy !req
45. Which was an odd word choice
right there, and am I talking out loud?Copy !req
46. Now remember, I want the entire data
system on those new servers...Copy !req
47. or I will just make it rain pink slips.Copy !req
48. - I'm not doing that.
- That's a poor motivator.Copy !req
49. Lana, I want you to call or text me
at the top of every hour.Copy !req
50. - I'll call or text at the...
- I'm gonna be kind of busy, hon.Copy !req
51. Well, it's all on this schedule.Copy !req
52. Oh, no, honey. The doors
are closing and I didn't get the...Copy !req
53. Oh, so close.Copy !req
54. So your conference
wouldn't be for control freaks...Copy !req
55. - who micro-manage everything, would it?
- What? No, that's not why I'm...Copy !req
56. But look, you be careful with Skorpio.
He won't hesitate to kill you.Copy !req
57. - Unless I get smothered to death.
- Oh. That's just pathetic.Copy !req
58. - But even though Cyril may be clingy...
- Oh. Saran Wrap could take a lesson.Copy !req
59. You used to complain constantly that
Sterling was emotionally distant.Copy !req
60. Yeah, I was just being nice, though.Copy !req
61. I wonder if he's like that because
I used to spank him with a wooden spoon.Copy !req
62. Uh... Yeah, I don't know about that, but it
might explain the ping-pong paddle.Copy !req
63. My point is, dear, you can trust Cyril.Copy !req
64. Now you go have a fun assassination.Copy !req
65. Okay, and you go have fun at your thing.Copy !req
66. Oh, I will. Bye, dear.
Did you rent a boat?Copy !req
67. Da, is very... Ahem. Pretty nice boat.Copy !req
68. It better be, Mr. Sex-Tape.Copy !req
69. And you, scuff that luggage,
and I'll cut your hamstrings for you.Copy !req
70. - I think we're making some progress.
- Where, in opposite-world?Copy !req
71. - We're never gonna finish all this.
- We can, if certain people would help.Copy !req
72. I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because
your authority is not recognized in...Copy !req
73. - Fort Kickass.
- Ugh! Mr. Archer, you could help.Copy !req
74. Hey, I'm helping Cyril. Text her again.Copy !req
75. - I am, if you'd shut up.
- And really pour out your feelings.Copy !req
76. - Don't listen to him, he's just trying to...
- Shut up!Copy !req
77. Cyril, bare your soul.Copy !req
78. So, heh-heh,
did I say is nice boat, or what?Copy !req
79. Yes, Nikolai, you certainly did...Copy !req
80. which hopefully explains
my shock at finding myself...Copy !req
81. aboard the Chum Guzzler.Copy !req
82. I am just getting that.Copy !req
83. Well, I know what you're not getting.Copy !req
84. - Give it. I'm serious. Give me my phone.
- No, get off. Cut it out.Copy !req
85. Cyril, goddamn it,
you're smothering Lana.Copy !req
86. - Pam, I will hit you in the face.
- Aha-ha-ow!Copy !req
87. Don't listen to her, Cyril.
If there's one thing women totally love...Copy !req
88. it's to be smothered by men.Copy !req
89. - Heh. Like you'd know.
- Or choked, in your case.Copy !req
90. Cyril, trust me. Give her some space.Copy !req
91. But why hasn't she called?
I mean, what if she's in danger?Copy !req
92. - Or... Or...
- Cyril, come on.Copy !req
93. Worst-case scenario,
her cover got blown...Copy !req
94. - and Skorpio's raping her senseless...
- Oh!Copy !req
95. Before he chops her battered
corpse into fish food.Copy !req
96. - What is wrong with you?
- How can you say that?Copy !req
97. What? I said "worst-case."Copy !req
98. Leave that to your field agent.Copy !req
99. Why must you always micro-manage?Copy !req
100. I don't. And if you will recall...Copy !req
101. I used to be an excellent field agent.Copy !req
102. Da, is why I fall in love with you.Copy !req
103. My God, Kolya, we were so young.Copy !req
104. Young and in love, and in Berlin.Copy !req
105. On that magical moonlit night,
beneath the Bridge of Spies.Copy !req
106. The night before you break my heart,
and disappear for nine months.Copy !req
107. Kolya, there's something
I've been meaning to tell you.Copy !req
108. What is in this drink?Copy !req
109. Sorry, is ice from cooler.Copy !req
110. - Somehow it got butter all over it.
- Aah!Copy !req
111. Hey, don't be queen of drama.Copy !req
112. That wasn't me, you idiot.Copy !req
113. Oh, dear God.Copy !req
114. - Cyril, give it to me.
- I bet that's Lana.Copy !req
115. - It's my phone. Pam put yours in the blender.
- Come on.Copy !req
116. - It's called tough love, Cyril.
- The secret ingredient is phone.Copy !req
117. Hello. Mother. What? Really?Copy !req
118. - And you're sure it was Lana?
- What was Lana?Copy !req
119. - Okay, I'm on it. What? Yes. God.
- Come on.Copy !req
120. - What did she say?
- Well, she's still really pro-vasectomy.Copy !req
121. - About Lana.
- Oh, right. Yeah, so...Copy !req
122. remember that worst-case
scenario we talked about?Copy !req
123. - Oh, my God.
- Yes, yes, I remember.Copy !req
124. - Archer, if anything...
- Cyril, relax. I will rescue her.Copy !req
125. So, Krieger? How's about a roadie?Copy !req
126. It would be nice to know
what kind of danger I'm facing.Copy !req
127. What danger? They do it outpatient.Copy !req
128. What...? Not the vasectomy, the rescue.Copy !req
129. How would I know? I'm at a conference.Copy !req
130. - Wait a minute.
- You don't have a minute.Copy !req
131. Now, will you just put a lid on it?Copy !req
132. - All right, I'm going.
- Shitty flying rats.Copy !req
133. Just put the damn lid on it.Copy !req
134. "Something about I rescue Lana...Copy !req
135. and she begs me to take her back,
so then Cyril commits suicide."Copy !req
136. I swear to God I had something for this.Copy !req
137. Seriously, are you just bailing
on this whole assignment, or what?Copy !req
138. Who gives a gosh-damn about that?
Lana's captured, maybe even...Copy !req
139. Rescued, Kenny Crybaby.Copy !req
140. Come on. I bet Mr. Archer already went
all double-oh-ninja on Skorpio's ass.Copy !req
141. Waa-paah!Copy !req
142. - Karate sound.
- You really think so?Copy !req
143. Cyril, right this second...Copy !req
144. I bet he's untying Lana...Copy !req
145. - taking off her ball gag...
- Her what?Copy !req
146. And she's looking up into
his steely-blue eyes...Copy !req
147. and parting her moist lips...Copy !req
148. - Wait a minute.
- Yeah, hang on, crazy pants.Copy !req
149. - Let her talk, woman.
- As he takes her in his rippling...Copy !req
150. - Rambo-y arms, throws her down...
- Oh, my God...Copy !req
151. and then... yeah! Oh, yeah!Copy !req
152. That's right! Give it to me! Uhn!Copy !req
153. Damn it, look what you... Shouldn't you
be off cooking a rabbit somewhere?Copy !req
154. - I've got some in the lab.
- I mean, maybe it's not that...Copy !req
155. - but there's only one way to find out.
- Give me that.Copy !req
156. Oh, Jesus, God.Copy !req
157. - I thought I gave you a fake number.
- What?Copy !req
158. - Archer, it's me.
- Cyril? Hey, I can't really talk right now.Copy !req
159. Well, that's too bad, Mr. Man.
Now, you just put Lana on the phone.Copy !req
160. - Well, Cyril I can't really do that either.
- He says he can't put her on.Copy !req
161. - Archer, put her on the phone.
- Cyril, buddy, look...Copy !req
162. when I see her,
I will tell her to call you...Copy !req
163. but I can't freaking talk right now!Copy !req
164. Archer? Hello? He hung up.Copy !req
165. Probably cause he's all:Copy !req
166. Oh, my God, I can't breathe.Copy !req
167. And that's the reason I don't
have sex with my co-workers.Copy !req
168. - That and no one ever lets me.
- I've had good results with ether.Copy !req
169. Oh, no!Copy !req
170. Oh, my God, Nikolai, something's wrong.Copy !req
171. Is just fat dripping from kebabs.Copy !req
172. Not that. Kolya, my people need help.Copy !req
173. - Do you have any KGB agents nearby?
- Meh...Copy !req
174. - "Meh" what?
- I just don't feel so comfortable...Copy !req
175. - discussing KGB operations with you.
- What? I tell you everything.Copy !req
176. Da, but is a little unprofessional.Copy !req
177. Swear to God,
Lana better be dead on a slab...Copy !req
178. or begging for mercy over a vat of acid...Copy !req
179. or a shark tank or...Copy !req
180. - Drinking champagne in a bikini?
- Oh, screw me.Copy !req
181. Two minutes, my love. I am just now again...Copy !req
182. re-shaving my balls again.Copy !req
183. First of all, you have no right
to interfere with my operation.Copy !req
184. And not that it's any of your beeswax,
but I did not have sex with Skorpio.Copy !req
185. - Oh, really?
- No. God.Copy !req
186. I just kept putting him off,
making him re-shave his balls.Copy !req
187. Oh. So you can hang out on a boat?Copy !req
188. It's a mega-yacht. And I just...Copy !req
189. I needed a break from Cyril.Copy !req
190. Who thinks you got captured, or killed.Copy !req
191. - What was that all about?
- Um...Copy !req
192. Uh... I actually forget what that was.
I've been hitting the sauce pretty hard.Copy !req
193. - Jesus. You are so irresponsible.
- Oh, really? Go ask Pita who's irresponsible.Copy !req
194. Hey, she knew the job was risky going in.Copy !req
195. - And since you didn't do your job...
- I will, all right?Copy !req
196. Just give me like a week.Copy !req
197. Too late! You had your
chance and you blew it.Copy !req
198. - Now, how's my disguise?
- Depends. Who are you supposed to be?Copy !req
199. Topper Bottoms,
stern yet sensual skipper...Copy !req
200. of the USS Rough Service?Copy !req
201. - What, they're your clothes, idiot.
- Uhn!Copy !req
202. Oh, damn it, that was the guy
in charge of the chocolate fountain.Copy !req
203. - There's a chocolate fountain?
- Oh. There's everything.Copy !req
204. Great champagne, ridiculous food...Copy !req
205. a whole, like, squad
of hot little Filipina masseuses.Copy !req
206. - Skeet?
- Probably. I just...Copy !req
207. really need some me time before
I have to go back to Cyril and his whole...Copy !req
208. Curiously oppressive brand of love?Copy !req
209. - I mean, come on, haven't I earned that?
- Yes, we have. I'm staying.Copy !req
210. - What? No. No, you're not.
- Yes.Copy !req
211. Yes, I am. Or would you prefer
I tell Cyril you slept with Skorpio?Copy !req
212. - Even you wouldn't stoop that low.
- Lana, come on...Copy !req
213. this is me, remember?Copy !req
214. Unprofessional?Copy !req
215. From the man who used
an entire KGB surveillance team...Copy !req
216. just to make a sex tape of me?Copy !req
217. Ha. And entire KGB art department...Copy !req
218. to airbrush wrinkles off your old ass.Copy !req
219. I want to leave, please. Right now.Copy !req
220. So who's stopping you?Copy !req
221. Hmm.Copy !req
222. Hmm.Copy !req
223. Smiles everyone, smiles.Copy !req
224. For this party, everything
must be as perfect...Copy !req
225. - as my beautiful companion.
- Ha-ha.Copy !req
226. Because in one hour, the world's
most dangerous terrorists...Copy !req
227. will gather here, on the Argo,
to bid on my humble wares.Copy !req
228. Wait, wait, you.
Chocolate-fountain guy.Copy !req
229. You look, uh...Copy !req
230. - different.
- Oh!Copy !req
231. - Um, I guess I've been working out?
- Yes, I can see that.Copy !req
232. - Quick. Bring me some duct tape.
- I, uh...Copy !req
233. Because this malaka is ripped.Copy !req
234. Come, my dear.
Before the party, I must relax...Copy !req
235. - on top of you.
- Ugh.Copy !req
236. No excuses, huh? My balls are smooth.Copy !req
237. - And you know I love that.
- Not as much as I love chocolate.Copy !req
238. - Oh-hoh-hoh.
- So, you, malaka, bring plenty of it, yes.Copy !req
239. I would prefer not to.Copy !req
240. Bartleby, the Scrivener? Anybody?Copy !req
241. Not a big Melville crowd, here, huh?Copy !req
242. Yeah, he's not an easy read.Copy !req
243. And I drove her right into his arms.Copy !req
244. His big, tan, muscle-bulgy arms.Copy !req
245. Cyril, come on. Don't listen to...Copy !req
246. What the hell is your name now, anyway?Copy !req
247. - I don't even remember.
- Exactly. So...Copy !req
248. - What are you snorting off me?
- It's mostly MSG.Copy !req
249. - The flavor enhancer.
- Which you so need.Copy !req
250. Pipe down, pipe cleaner.Copy !req
251. And, Cyril, it's a rescue mission, okay?Copy !req
252. - Probably fraught with danger.
- You really think so?Copy !req
253. I bet they're fighting for their lives.Copy !req
254. Wow.Copy !req
255. Yeah, that...Copy !req
256. That got a little dark.Copy !req
257. So now we have champagne, huh?Copy !req
258. - Um, got anything a little stronger?
- Or way stronger. Like poison?Copy !req
259. Mm. I think I have just the thing.Copy !req
260. - Oh, my God.
- Ready the shark tank for my guests...Copy !req
261. - Agents Archer and Kane, of ISIS.
- What?Copy !req
262. You knew the whole time?Copy !req
263. How you say? Womp-womp.Copy !req
264. - All right, you heard Mr. Skorpio.
- No, just Skorpio.Copy !req
265. Remember? How we're
doing that from now on?Copy !req
266. - Sorry, sir.
- Hang on just one second.Copy !req
267. Where was this enthusiasm before?Copy !req
268. I know, right?
Now he wants to contribute.Copy !req
269. M... Ha-ha.
Oh, funny. Actually, I'm getting this.Copy !req
270. Damn, I had something
for this too. Damn it.Copy !req
271. Eat grenade, stupids.Copy !req
272. - Oh, well, now what?
- Ugh.Copy !req
273. Are you still here?Copy !req
274. - Where'd you get a grenade?
- Hanging from the lampshade.Copy !req
275. Wait, what?Copy !req
276. - What? Did he just call me a whore?
- Now, why on earth would he do that?Copy !req
277. Because he turns women into whores.Copy !req
278. Just ask his slutty Mexican cook.Copy !req
279. Oh, my God, yes.Copy !req
280. We should call her,
because I would literally...Copy !req
281. murder somebody
for some migas right now.Copy !req
282. Every single noun and verb
in that sentence totally arouses me.Copy !req
283. And I'm so open to that.Copy !req
284. And, Cyril, ignore her.Copy !req
285. Nothing's going on
between Archer and Lana.Copy !req
286. - Although...
- Although what?Copy !req
287. Well, every ISIS agent
has a company-issued...Copy !req
288. life-insurance policy, and...Copy !req
289. And what?Copy !req
290. - You're my beneficiary!
- Your what?Copy !req
291. On my company life insurance.Copy !req
292. Oh, my God.Copy !req
293. I mean, if this goes tits-up.Copy !req
294. Now? Really?Copy !req
295. Oh, right. Because you walked
into Strippers' Discount Warehouse...Copy !req
296. and said, "Help me
showcase my intellect."Copy !req
297. Discount? Hello, this is Fiacci.Copy !req
298. Uh... I think it's pronounced, "Knock-off."Copy !req
299. Right after I get back,
I'm changing that stupid policy. Ugh!Copy !req
300. Yes, you're my beneficiary.Copy !req
301. How'd you get life insurance, Lana?
Don't they know you're in the danger zone?Copy !req
302. But that doesn't mean anything. I mean...Copy !req
303. they could've forgotten
to fill out new beneficiary forms...Copy !req
304. Cyril, they have to update those
bennie forms every quarter.Copy !req
305. - Ouch.
- But that means... Oh, my God.Copy !req
306. Damn ass-hammered shit!Copy !req
307. - What?
- Benefits! I forgot to spend the balance...Copy !req
308. in my goddamn flex-account!Copy !req
309. - Are you date-of-employment, or...?
- Calendar-year!Copy !req
310. - Ouch.
- That's just leaving money on the table.Copy !req
311. How did you forget that?Copy !req
312. I guess I was busy fantasizing about
Archer and Lana having intercourse!Copy !req
313. - Ouch.
- Cyril, come on, hon, we all were.Copy !req
314. And you expect me to believe that?Copy !req
315. I don't care. Just like
I don't ever think about you.Copy !req
316. - Reloading.
- Firing.Copy !req
317. So when you filled out your insurance, you
weren't thinking about my muscular arms...Copy !req
318. - or my ass, in the combat-firing stance?
- No, I wasn't. I don't. I mean, I'm...Copy !req
319. So full of shit, your eyes are brown.Copy !req
320. No, they're... Oh, my God, they're green.Copy !req
321. Like emeralds. How did I never see that?Copy !req
322. - Lana, your eyes are amazing.
- Archer.Copy !req
323. I mean, not compared to your tits, but...
Ow! Ow!Copy !req
324. What is your problem?Copy !req
325. You. And plus, I have a boyfriend.Copy !req
326. Oh, right, how could I forget Mr. Cling?Copy !req
327. Cyril? Cyril, come on. Let go.Copy !req
328. Oh, God, he's stronger than he looks.Copy !req
329. Get him out of here!Copy !req
330. Because these corporate bag-munchers...Copy !req
331. owe me 630 dollars...Copy !req
332. for my goddamn flex-account!Copy !req
333. I cannot believe you shot me.Copy !req
334. God, you know how much I hate that.Copy !req
335. - You better get used to it.
- Kill them, you fools. Kill them.Copy !req
336. Oh, my God. I am gonna die...Copy !req
337. and you're the last man
I was in bed with.Copy !req
338. Well, one of them. Don't worry,
I won't tell Cyril. Probably.Copy !req
339. - Shit. I'm out of ammo. Archer!
- Lana. Lana.Copy !req
340. - Do you trust me?
- What? No, I don't trust you.Copy !req
341. Well, that's too bad.
Because guess what.Copy !req
342. Oh, my God. Nikolai. Our son.Copy !req
343. - Our what?
- Oh, so...Copy !req
344. remember that little something
I wanted to tell you?Copy !req
345. A little something?
Oh, that is just classic you.Copy !req
346. - So I'm a little late.
- A lot late.Copy !req
347. No one could have survived that.Copy !req
348. Oh, man! Whoo!Copy !req
349. I am awesome!Copy !req
350. Ugh. And it just keeps on getting better.Copy !req
351. - Lana?
- Asshole?Copy !req
352. Oh, my God. Was that not epic?Copy !req
353. - First of all...
- Nikolai, look, they're alive.Copy !req
354. - Oh, thank God.
- Thank God?Copy !req
355. For what? The lying woman
I risk my career for?Copy !req
356. The son she don't told me of?Copy !req
357. Or maybe my damn security deposit?Copy !req
358. Security deposit.
What was it, a pair of flip-flops?Copy !req
359. - Half the bounty. Come on, I deserve it.
- Ha!Copy !req
360. Too bad. So you can just paddle
that hole in your foot...Copy !req
361. right on back to your cheesy,
Mexican kitchen...Copy !req
362. Oh, I'll get a new kitchen.Copy !req
363. Let's see you get a new boyfriend
after I have a talk with Cyril.Copy !req
364. Ha! About what, exactly?Copy !req
365. How you cried during
a two-man threesome?Copy !req
366. Wooden spoons are a huge
emotional trigger for me, Lana.Copy !req
367. Yeah, and now I know.
And when I tell Pam...Copy !req
368. so will everybody in the office.Copy !req
369. - Oh, is that how you wanna play it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
370. Fine! Keep your stupid bounty, then!
And keep your pathetic, clingy boyfriend.Copy !req
371. I will. Oh, and Cyril may be clingy,
but at least I know I can trust him.Copy !req
372. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Cyril, come on.Copy !req
373. Snap out of it, seriously. It's not
like we burned down the mainframe.Copy !req
374. You really need to relax.Copy !req
375. How? My life is ruined. Again.Copy !req
376. Look, what happens
on this scratchy green office rug...Copy !req
377. stays on this scratchy
green office rug, okay?Copy !req
378. You mean...Copy !req
379. this, what we just did,
you'll keep this our secret?Copy !req
380. Yeah. God, Cyril.Copy !req
381. You can trust me.
You know, probably.Copy !req
382. Probably?Copy !req
383. Womp-womp.Copy !req