1. - Torvald Utne.
- The Olympic shot-putter?Copy !req
2. The chairman of the UN
Intelligence Committee.Copy !req
3. Do you not even skim
the briefings in your inbox?Copy !req
4. - I have an inbox?
- Utne decides which spy agency...Copy !req
5. gets the insanely lucrative UN contract.Copy !req
6. And as you may or...Copy !req
7. - probably don't know,
- for six years running...Copy !req
8. the contract has gone to ODIN.Copy !req
9. Ugh. The Organization
of Douche bags In... In...Copy !req
10. - Wait, I had something.
- Douche-baggery notwithstanding...Copy !req
11. - Nowheresville.
- their ground floor isn't a laundromat.Copy !req
12. - Wash-and-fold, technically.
- ISIS needs that UN contract.Copy !req
13. So I am going to woo Mr. Torvald Utne...Copy !req
14. - Gross.
- with a dinner party. Tonight.Copy !req
15. - And you're uninviting me in advance.
- Normally, yes.Copy !req
16. But this party is different.
And very important...Copy !req
17. so absolutely nothing can go wrong.Copy !req
18. Then we better keep
Dr. Bellows away from Jeannie...Copy !req
19. - No, no dates.
- I Dream of Jeannie.Copy !req
20. No one is bringing a date,
so don't you bring a date.Copy !req
21. I don't wanna get there
and be the only one without a date.Copy !req
22. And I don't want another one of your sullen
whores using my medicine cabinet...Copy !req
23. like a Pez dispenser.Copy !req
24. Peggy, you will probably
kill me for this...Copy !req
25. but Senator,
we now have a subway museum...Copy !req
26. If... Are you still big into trains?Copy !req
27. That wasn't her fault.
Who puts OxyContin in a Xanax bottle?Copy !req
28. - People with servants, idiot.
- If they steal pills...Copy !req
29. - how does it help to switch the labels?
- Because they can't read English.Copy !req
30. Ha, ha. I'm gonna leave you to think about
that whole line of reasoning...Copy !req
31. - You think.
- And what scheme you're hatching...Copy !req
32. - for this dinner party.
- There's no scheme-hatchery.Copy !req
33. Hello?Copy !req
34. - Do you mind? It's the caterer.
- Right. Okay, sure.Copy !req
35. - Your instructions are clear?
- Ja. No problem.Copy !req
36. Oh, I have other call. Yeah, okay.Copy !req
37. - Hello? Oh.
- Hello?Copy !req
38. - Da, da.
- So your instructions are clear?Copy !req
39. - Da.
- Excellent.Copy !req
40. - Uta, get dressed, we work tonight.
- But Mani, what about The Fantasticks?Copy !req
41. Tomorrow, liebchen, I promise, but to...Copy !req
42. - You brought this ridiculous thing.
- Is it so ridiculous...Copy !req
43. - to ready my body for the baby?
- Uta. Please do not start this.Copy !req
44. Just ready your body for work, hmm?Copy !req
45. Fine. What is the job?Copy !req
46. Two jobs. The first,
we make a big phony attempt...Copy !req
47. - to kill Torvald Utne.
- Okay. And the second?Copy !req
48. We kill Torvald Utne.Copy !req
49. So your instructions are clear?Copy !req
50. Drinks and fish balls.
You ring first bell for dinner.Copy !req
51. And on second bell,
I come out, all John Wooey...Copy !req
52. screaming crazy and shooting blanks.Copy !req
53. Then I throw myself in front of Utne,
shielding him with my supple body...Copy !req
54. as you're gunned down by ISIS agents.Copy !req
55. Who are also shooting blanks.Copy !req
56. - Mm-hm.
- And loud ones.Copy !req
57. Because for Utne to buy it,
everyone must act surprised.Copy !req
58. - Oh, I'm sure they will.
- Yeah, me too.Copy !req
59. Mani, I have a bad feeling for this.Copy !req
60. Why? Only I will have real bullets.Copy !req
61. This is taking chocolate from a baby.Copy !req
62. Oh, no, we won't give
our baby chocolate.Copy !req
63. - Ugh.
- He can have carob.Copy !req
64. Thanks for inviting us to your
swanky dinner party, Ms. Archer.Copy !req
65. - Yeah, I could get used to this.
- Don't.Copy !req
66. You're only here because I may
need you to take one for the team.Copy !req
67. - Torvald is an incorrigible poon hound.
- Ha, ha.Copy !req
68. - Those are enormous in size.
- Oh, well...Copy !req
69. - Uh, thank you. Kind of.
- May I please cup one in my hand?Copy !req
70. - Ooh. See, here's the thing...
- We're actually together.Copy !req
71. Cyril, go get some gravlax.Copy !req
72. Torvald, feel free to cup
anything in the room.Copy !req
73. Uh... Oh, you were
talking about my guns.Copy !req
74. Strange that you wear them to a party.Copy !req
75. - Normally I wouldn't, but Malory...
- But that's ISIS for you.Copy !req
76. Always primed and ready for action.Copy !req
77. - This is good to know.
- Yeah, how about that?Copy !req
78. Which is why you should
consider ISIS for the UN contract.Copy !req
79. Our agents are highly-trained
in many disciplines.Copy !req
80. - Like Krav Maga, for instance.
- My arm, my arm.Copy !req
81. - You're breaking my arm.
- Lana.Copy !req
82. - Oh, I'm sorry. Did that hurt?
- Yes, it hurt. What is wrong with you?Copy !req
83. Nothing but too much enthusiasm
for the opportunity to serve the UN.Copy !req
84. - Oh, and hands like the Truckasaurus.
- Hey.Copy !req
85. - Gravlax, anyone?
- No. No gravlax. I need painkillers.Copy !req
86. - Cyril, in my medicine cabinet... Wait, no.
- Aah.Copy !req
87. I have to get it myself,
just right after I get that.Copy !req
88. - Hello.
- You're late.Copy !req
89. - What is that smell?
- Gravlax and failure.Copy !req
90. I think Lana just broke Torvald's hand.Copy !req
91. - Truckasaurus. Ha, ha!
- And we won't win that contract if...Copy !req
92. Who on God's green earth dressed you?Copy !req
93. Nobody, that's why I'm late.
Woodhouse just disappeared.Copy !req
94. Only temporarily, sir.Copy !req
95. - Why are you here?
- Actually sir, I'm with Carina.Copy !req
96. - Who?
- Carina.Copy !req
97. - Ugh.
- I changed it again.Copy !req
98. I feel that Carina
better captures my sensual womanhood.Copy !req
99. Yeah, she so totally does.Copy !req
100. - You said no dates.
- I said no such thing.Copy !req
101. - Well, your mouth did.
- Well, your mouth better get over there...Copy !req
102. - and make Torvald happy.
- Um, phrasing?Copy !req
103. Regale him with exciting
tales of ISIS exploits.Copy !req
104. Take his mind off Lana's huge,
Johnny Benchian fingers.Copy !req
105. - Can we get off my fingers?
- Yeah, they are pretty big.Copy !req
106. - First time I've heard you complain.
- Hi-ho! Ha, ha.Copy !req
107. - Seriously, who wants gravlax?
- Sterling, go. Regale him.Copy !req
108. - I think he's already being regaled.
- Meatballs!Copy !req
109. - Oh, for... Torvald.
- Bet you get that a lot, huh, Torvie?Copy !req
110. Swedish meatballs.Copy !req
111. Get away from me,
you disgusting woman.Copy !req
112. - Wow. So even Pam got a date.
- A man, even.Copy !req
113. But suave master-spy,
Sterling Archer, stands alone.Copy !req
114. Just like the cheese.Copy !req
115. - I have a...
- And a very handsome cheese, at that.Copy !req
116. I don't even know
how you got out, Woodhouse.Copy !req
117. - Alone.
- And I do have a date.Copy !req
118. - You do? Where is she?
- She is parking.Copy !req
119. Oh, yeah? What's she driving?
A Snuffleupagus?Copy !req
120. Uh, oh, wait. Uh, with all that...Copy !req
121. - sexy European lingerie modeling...
- Mm-hm?Copy !req
122. To pay for her European
med school that she's going to...Copy !req
123. she probably never had time
to learn to drive.Copy !req
124. She sounds fabulous.Copy !req
125. - Gravlax?
- Thanks, no. I'm allergic to cat piss.Copy !req
126. Go away.Copy !req
127. - So your instructions are clear?
- Oh.Copy !req
128. Why must you micromanage
everything? Yeah, yeah, okay.Copy !req
129. You know what second-hand
smoke does to a fetus.Copy !req
130. Uta, after we kill Utne...Copy !req
131. we need to have
a very long and serious talk.Copy !req
132. No. I need a painkiller, not a...Copy !req
133. - Torvald.
- What is that? A calcium supplement?Copy !req
134. - Trust me, dear, these work wonders.
- Okay.Copy !req
135. But what I have seen...Copy !req
136. ISIS is a distant
second to ODIN. Very distant.Copy !req
137. What about the groundbreaking
work...Copy !req
138. Dr. Krieger is doing for ISIS
in our Applied Research Division?Copy !req
139. - Yeah, tell him about the sex-robot.
- The what?Copy !req
140. - Yes... The what?
- I call him Fister Roboto.Copy !req
141. - But it doesn't just fist. Tell him.
- Pam!Copy !req
142. He's a fully-integrated
multi-fetish artificial being.Copy !req
143. - That is the most disgusting...
- Shut up. Shut, shut. And the best part...Copy !req
144. - is that he's learning.
- ISIS clearly is not the agency for us.Copy !req
145. Rotten gravlax, sex-bots, and, uh...Copy !req
146. except for the Negress,
the women are...Copy !req
147. Willing to do whatever it takes.Copy !req
148. - Still gross.
- And such rudeness.Copy !req
149. - Fister Roboto wouldn't take that.
- He's just too damn sensitive.Copy !req
150. As also am I. So if you will excuse...Copy !req
151. There, there. Let that calcium
citrate seep into your bones.Copy !req
152. What about Trinette? She said that?Copy !req
153. How about Jade? Oh, no, never mind.Copy !req
154. Destiny? No, she's not passable.
With that Adam's apple...Copy !req
155. she looks like she swallowed
a Rubik's Cube.Copy !req
156. - Excuse me, sir.
- I...Copy !req
157. - You are looking for a date?
- Are you working?Copy !req
158. Mm. You could say that, yes.Copy !req
159. Then we need to lock down
your cover story. And, uh...Copy !req
160. I need to hit an ATM.Copy !req
161. Torvald, please, don't go yet.Copy !req
162. - You haven't even tried the fish balls.
- No need.Copy !req
163. There is plenty of fishiness going
on at ISIS without your balls.Copy !req
164. Maybe I should go say something.Copy !req
165. Where's the damn fish balls, already?
I could kill for some food.Copy !req
166. - Sure it wouldn't be the first time.
- Lana.Copy !req
167. No, I just meant like
she literally killed somebody.Copy !req
168. Then ate their corpse.
I saw where you were going.Copy !req
169. - You know...
- When I served in the King's African Rifles...Copy !req
170. the local Zambezi tribesmen
called human flesh...Copy !req
171. "long pig."Copy !req
172. Never much cared for it.Copy !req
173. Torvald, at least stay for dinner.Copy !req
174. - I think you'll be very surprised by...
- I detest surprises.Copy !req
175. Which is why the contract
will remain with ODIN.Copy !req
176. Mani, do something. Utne is leaving.Copy !req
177. Okay, okay, we go ahead of schedule.Copy !req
178. Find some Tupperware,
we take food to go.Copy !req
179. But you promised me Ruby Foo's.Copy !req
180. Yeah, I also promised you a baby.
How's that working out for you?Copy !req
181. - Hey, does that cook seem weird?
- Normal-weird or German-weird?Copy !req
182. Now, good night, and good...Copy !req
183. Evening, you beautiful girl.Copy !req
184. - Hello.
- You're not, um, leaving, are you?Copy !req
185. No, not if you are staying, Miss?Copy !req
186. - Oh, um... Yup.
- Hübsch.Copy !req
187. - Elke Hübsch.
- A pleasure, my dear.Copy !req
188. - I am Torvald...
- Utne, I know.Copy !req
189. - I am a great admirer.
- You know he's not the shot-putter, right?Copy !req
190. Of course he is not the shot-putter.Copy !req
191. But I am sure he is very strong.Copy !req
192. Ha, ha. Unlike these drinks.
Come, my dear...Copy !req
193. let us find something potable.Copy !req
194. - Whoa. Wait a minute. Hey, Utne. Utne!
- Would you shut up?Copy !req
195. We just need to keep Torvald happy...Copy !req
196. - until dinner.
- And what about my happiness, Mother?Copy !req
197. - Well?
- Oh, was that not rhetorical?Copy !req
198. The Needle? Why is she here?Copy !req
199. Oh, that Russian prick.
He sent two teams again.Copy !req
200. And if the Needle kills Utne,
we won't even get our per diem.Copy !req
201. But what if you kill them both?Copy !req
202. Oh. Yeah, I could do this.Copy !req
203. - Hey, help.
- Ah! Help with what, sir?Copy !req
204. No, I was addressing you as "help."
What's the story on those fish balls?Copy !req
205. - Coming right out.
- Hurry it up. All I've had today is, like...Copy !req
206. six gummy bears and some Scotch.Copy !req
207. - This is why I don't get you nice things.
- Not that. Him. Uta, that was Duchess.Copy !req
208. - That was Duchess?
- Yeah, the deadliest agent there is.Copy !req
209. Oh, my God.Copy !req
210. I can't believe they fell for that.Copy !req
211. But if he's on the plan of Frau Archer...Copy !req
212. What if her plan is a big fat set-up?
What if they mean to kill us?Copy !req
213. - Oh! Mani, the baby.
- Ah.Copy !req
214. Okay. So now we go to Plan Manfred.Copy !req
215. - And then Ruby Foo's.
- Well, we will see.Copy !req
216. Really? A European lingerie model.Copy !req
217. Only to pay for European med school.
Ha, ha.Copy !req
218. - Like to get a physical from her.
- Or with her. Ha, ha.Copy !req
219. - Ow, ow, ow!
- I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows...Copy !req
220. how many pounds it takes
to snap a collarbone?Copy !req
221. - She probably uses the metric system.
- Yeah, what do they use? Kilowatts?Copy !req
222. - No, in this case it would be pascals.
- Ugh. Hey, Europe, be gayer.Copy !req
223. - Lana. Release him.
- As you wish.Copy !req
224. - I find your lack of faith disturbing.
- I find your mannish hands disturbing.Copy !req
225. I think they're kinda sexy.Copy !req
226. - Excuse me?
- They're fingers, Pam, not kielbasas.Copy !req
227. But keep them limbered up.
I have a big surprise planned for dinner...Copy !req
228. and I need you ready,
locked, and loaded.Copy !req
229. Yeah so, do you maybe want to let us in
on your little scheme-hatchery?Copy !req
230. - No.
- Oh, if I were 20 years younger.Copy !req
231. - I can make you feel like you are.
- Mm.Copy !req
232. I would like I think that very much.Copy !req
233. - Well then go find an ATM,
- I'm sorry?Copy !req
234. Oh, me too. I must leave for a moment.Copy !req
235. - Excuse me.
- Yeah, sorry, don't mind me.Copy !req
236. - Hey, are you having a good time?
- Oh, I am. Ha, ha.Copy !req
237. Good to hear. Please excuse us.
Mm-hm.Copy !req
238. Keep her out of the medicine cabinet.Copy !req
239. One more dead body in here,
and that bitch Trudy Beekman...Copy !req
240. will have me right back
in front of the co-op board.Copy !req
241. You don't get along
with your neighbors anywhere.Copy !req
242. Who could with a woman who
wallpapered her guest bathroom...Copy !req
243. with vintage New Yorker covers?Copy !req
244. Yes, Major. I am in position...Copy !req
245. and ready to eliminate the target.Copy !req
246. Excellent.
ODIN will find it much harder...Copy !req
247. to bribe a dead man
for the UN contract.Copy !req
248. And I will find it much more enjoyable...Copy !req
249. to work with the woman who runs ISIS.Copy !req
250. - What do you mean "with?"
- Against. Obviously. Duh.Copy !req
251. Obviously. And so I still think...Copy !req
252. you should let me kill everybody here.Copy !req
253. Nyet. Under no circumstances
are you to harm the hostess. Who, um...Copy !req
254. - Whose name I have no way of knowing.
- Hey. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
255. - Uh, Botox.
- Not from the medicine cabinet. No.Copy !req
256. Don't use this. She switches
all the labels on her medicine.Copy !req
257. - Why?
- I think there's, like, a racial component.Copy !req
258. But for all we know, this could be insulin.Copy !req
259. - Oh, your mother is a diabetic?
- How should I know?Copy !req
260. Why don't you just pour
it on everybody's?Copy !req
261. We are not to harm the hostess.Copy !req
262. But her I want to poison most of all.Copy !req
263. - Are you lazy Huns ready, or what?
- Oh. Ha, ha. Hello, yep.Copy !req
264. - Good. So on the second bell...
- I come out shooting blanks. See?Copy !req
265. Uta is just, uh, polishing the gun.Copy !req
266. Give me that. Some idiot dropped
a fish ball on my Azerbaijani rug.Copy !req
267. - I am that idiot.
- Ach.Copy !req
268. Why are you so immature?Copy !req
269. I'm 19.Copy !req
270. Elke? Is everything all right?Copy !req
271. Wunderbar, Tovald.Copy !req
272. - How are you?
- I am fantastic, my dear.Copy !req
273. Those calcium supplements are amazing.Copy !req
274. You're gonna need some calcium,
after I...Copy !req
275. do something bad to your bones.Copy !req
276. - Hello?
- Hello?Copy !req
277. - Can you hear me? Come in.
- What? Wait.Copy !req
278. - What the hell?
- What is the frequency?Copy !req
279. - Kenneth?
- Turn off. Turn off. Turn off.Copy !req
280. What? I can't hear you, tiny man.Copy !req
281. Oh, great. Thanks, Mother,
for replacing the baby aspirin with LSD.Copy !req
282. God, that is just...Copy !req
283. hmm, classic her.Copy !req
284. Places, everyone.Copy !req
285. - Is everyone comfy?
- Relatively.Copy !req
286. Sterling and Lana?Copy !req
287. You both have a clear line of...Copy !req
288. - sight to the kitchen?
- Yes?Copy !req
289. - Sure, I think so.
- Well then let's eat. First bell.Copy !req
290. - Wow. Forgot how much I hated that.
- Oh, that's right.Copy !req
291. I kept it on the nightstand to wake
Nanny whenever Sterling wet the bed.Copy !req
292. - Ha-ha-ha!
- I... Mother!Copy !req
293. Sissy bed-wetter.Copy !req
294. - Wait, whose bed?
- It was always "don't ask, don't tell."Copy !req
295. - Woodhouse. What are you doing?
- Uh, sitting down, sir.Copy !req
296. - What, at the table? Like people?
- Sterling.Copy !req
297. - Sterling.
- What? Look, he thinks he's people.Copy !req
298. This Archer is a gigantic douche bag.Copy !req
299. Oh, Torvald.Copy !req
300. - Who cares about him?
- Oh.Copy !req
301. Woodhouse, dear, please have a seat.Copy !req
302. - Very kind of you, ma'am.
- Shut up.Copy !req
303. - Torvald, a toast?
- Sure, go crazy.Copy !req
304. - Oh...
- Then, um...Copy !req
305. - Hooray. Dig in.
- Wow.Copy !req
306. - And what is this we're eating?
- It smells vaguely poisonous.Copy !req
307. It does smell vaguely poisonous.Copy !req
308. - Are you sure she has the right plate?
- Pretty sure.Copy !req
309. - Oh, Uta.
- What? I am pretty sure.Copy !req
310. Don't worry, this is a normal smell.Copy !req
311. - This is called Janssons frestelse.
- Frestel?Copy !req
312. Yes, frestelse. It means "temptation."Copy !req
313. Oh, Torvald. I am very tempted.Copy !req
314. Yes, and I am tempted to give
ISIS the UN contract, Malory.Copy !req
315. Hmm? I mean, you are?Copy !req
316. - Well, it depends on your frestelse.
- Mm.Copy !req
317. Tell me, my dear, is it tempting?Copy !req
318. Elke, what is the matter? Are you...?Copy !req
319. - Um...
- What?Copy !req
320. That's the wrong plate, Uta.Copy !req
321. Uta.Copy !req
322. That's how you talk.Copy !req
323. - Perfidy.
- No, Torvald, there's no perfidy.Copy !req
324. - You poison my food over a contract?
- Torvald, I swear I didn't...Copy !req
325. When I am finished with ISIS,
you won't be able to get a contract...Copy !req
326. - for a pre-paid mobile phone.
- No, no!Copy !req
327. I will tear you down
brick by perfidious brick.Copy !req
328. - It's okay.
- Aah!Copy !req
329. It's okay, they're just blanks.Copy !req
330. - Oh.
- Well, see, you say that.Copy !req
331. - But they were blanks. Weren't they?
- Uh, only if the back of his skull picked...Copy !req
332. - that exact moment to explode outwards.
- What?Copy !req
333. - Ugh!
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
334. - Damn it. Where are those Germans?
- What?Copy !req
335. I should not do this in my condition.Copy !req
336. What condition? Your only condition
is that you are a stupid crazy girl.Copy !req
337. Do not speak to me like a child, Manfred.
I hate when you do that.Copy !req
338. I think you like it. Ja.Copy !req
339. Because I think you have some serious
and unresolved issues with your father.Copy !req
340. Yeah? And maybe that is why I date...Copy !req
341. a wrinkled old man like you.Copy !req
342. - Wow.
- I didn't mean that.Copy !req
343. - No, no, it's okay. I think we both knew it.
- Oh, Mani.Copy !req
344. Just strange to hear it out loud.Copy !req
345. - Oh, for shit's sake.
- And they didn't do one dish.Copy !req
346. - This is funny to you?
- I ate a bunch of that LSD...Copy !req
347. - you had labeled as baby Aspirin.
- That was baby Aspirin.Copy !req
348. - Oh.
- Hey, guys?Copy !req
349. - Wait, what?
- What, uh?Copy !req
350. - What's the plan here?
- I shall fetch a rug.Copy !req
351. No you will not. That rug was
a gift from the Azeri Khan himself.Copy !req
352. And besides, we're not going far.Copy !req
353. Is that hard to do? With those
big old ballpark frankenfingers?Copy !req
354. Shut up.Copy !req
355. Hurry, the Beekmans
will be back any time.Copy !req
356. And nobody touch anything.Copy !req
357. God, Cyril, would you go?Copy !req
358. - Unh. I should be carrying her.
- Cyril, I paid her, I get to carry her corpse.Copy !req
359. - See? Just look at this bathroom.
- I kinda like it.Copy !req
360. Exactly. All right, drop them there...Copy !req
361. next to that awful Louis Quinze repro.Copy !req
362. Now then. We want this to look
like a classic hooker-murder-suicide...Copy !req
363. so, Cyril. Take Sterling's gun...Copy !req
364. - and pump a round into his prostitute.
- Wait, what?Copy !req
365. Everyone shoots the chippy.
That way, we're all in it together.Copy !req
366. Think of it as a team-building exercise.Copy !req
367. - ODIN gets to go on Outward Bound.
- ODIN can suck it. Now shoot.Copy !req
368. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
369. - You're next.
- Cyril, that was pathetic.Copy !req
370. - Come on. Everybody shoots.
- Hey, I wanna go. Bam!Copy !req
371. Now, Sterling, drop your gun
between the bodies, and...Copy !req
372. No. Have you never seen CSI?
This is already, like, Clue Town.Copy !req
373. - Not for long. Dr. Krieger, dear?
- What? Oh.Copy !req
374. Cyril, call 911 from their phone
and leave it off the hook...Copy !req
375. - and Sterling.
- But this gun, it was a gift.Copy !req
376. Oh, please. Nobody gives you gifts.Copy !req
377. You don't know.Copy !req
378. Whatever you say, dear. Dr. Krieger?Copy !req
379. - Now, then...
- Still didn't get the contract.Copy !req
380. Oh, but I will.
And I'll get to see Trudy Beekman...Copy !req
381. try to explain this little barbecue
to the co-op board.Copy !req
382. That smell takes me back.Copy !req
383. - Just like a Zambezi feast.
- Yeah, I'm kinda hungry.Copy !req
384. - Is that weird?
- It would be weirder if you weren't.Copy !req
385. Well this torte's a winner, Malory.Copy !req
386. - What was the name again?
- Kladdkaka.Copy !req
387. Stop it.Copy !req
388. I'm sorry. That... That's a funny word.Copy !req
389. Oh, I thought we were laughing
at the dead people we set on fire.Copy !req
390. Um, sorry.Copy !req