1. - Torvald Utne.
- The Olympic shot-putter?Copy !req
2. The chairman of the UN
Intelligence Committee.Copy !req
3. Do you not even skim
the briefings in your inbox?Copy !req
4. I have an inbox?
Utne decides which spy agency...Copy !req
5. gets the insanely lucrative
UN contract.Copy !req
6. And as you may or...Copy !req
7. - probably don't know,
for six years running...Copy !req
8. the contract has
gone to ODIN.Copy !req
9. Ugh. The Organization
of Douche Bags In... In...Copy !req
10. Wait, I had something.
Douche-baggery notwithstanding...Copy !req
11. Nowheresville.
their ground floor isn't a laundromat.Copy !req
12. Wash-and-fold, technically.
ISIS needs that UN contract.Copy !req
13. So I am going to woo
Mr. Torvald Utne...Copy !req
14. Gross.Copy !req
15. with a dinner party.
Tonight.Copy !req
16. And you're uninviting me in advance.
Normally, yes.Copy !req
17. But this party is different.
And very important...Copy !req
18. so absolutely nothing can go wrong.Copy !req
19. Then we better keep
Dr. Bellows away from Jeannie...Copy !req
20. No, no dates.
I Dream of Jeannie.Copy !req
21. No one is bringing a date,
so don't you bring a date.Copy !req
22. I don't wanna get there
and be the only one without a date.Copy !req
23. And I don't want another one of your sullen
whores using my medicine cabinet...Copy !req
24. like a Pez dispenser.Copy !req
25. Peggy, you will probably
kill me for this...Copy !req
26. but, senator,
we now have a subway museum...Copy !req
27. If... Are you still big into trains?Copy !req
28. That wasn't her fault.
Who puts OxyContin in a Xanax bottle?Copy !req
29. People with servants, idiot.
If they steal pills...Copy !req
30. how does it help to switch the labels?
Because they can't read English.Copy !req
31. Ha, ha. I'm gonna leave you to think
about that whole line of reasoning...Copy !req
32. You think.
And what scheme you're hatching...Copy !req
33. for this dinner party.
There's no scheme-hatchery.Copy !req
34. Hello?Copy !req
35. - Do you mind? It's the caterer.
- Right. Okay, sure.Copy !req
36. Your instructions are clear?
Ja. No problem.Copy !req
37. Oh, I have other call. Yeah, okay.Copy !req
38. - Hello? Oh.
- Hello?Copy !req
39. Da, da.
So your instructions are clear?Copy !req
40. Da.
Excellent.Copy !req
41. - Uta, get dressed, we work tonight.
- But, Mani, what about The Fantasticks?Copy !req
42. Tomorrow, liebchen,
I promise, but to...Copy !req
43. You brought this ridiculous thing.
Is it so ridiculous...Copy !req
44. to ready my body for the baby?
Uta. Please do not start this.Copy !req
45. Just ready your body for work, hmm?Copy !req
46. Fine. What is the job?Copy !req
47. Two jobs. The first,
we make a big phony attempt...Copy !req
48. to kill Torvald Utne.
Okay. And the second?Copy !req
49. We kill Torvald Utne.Copy !req
50. So your instructions are clear?Copy !req
51. Drinks and fish balls.
You ring first bell for dinner.Copy !req
52. And on second bell,
I come out, all John Wooey...Copy !req
53. screaming crazy
and shooting blanks.Copy !req
54. Then I throw myself in front of Utne,
shielding him with my supple body...Copy !req
55. as you're gunned down by ISIS agents.Copy !req
56. Who are also shooting blanks.Copy !req
57. Mm-hm.
And loud ones.Copy !req
58. Because for Utne to buy it,
everyone must act surprised.Copy !req
59. Oh, I'm sure they will.
Yeah, me too.Copy !req
60. Mani, I have a bad feeling for this.Copy !req
61. Why? Only I will have real bullets.Copy !req
62. This is taking chocolate from a baby.Copy !req
63. Oh, no, we won't give
our baby chocolate.Copy !req
64. Ugh.
He can have carob.Copy !req
65. Thanks for inviting us to your
swanky dinner party, Ms. Archer.Copy !req
66. Yeah, I could get used to this.Copy !req
67. Don't. You're only here because I may
need you to take one for the team.Copy !req
68. - Torvald is an incorrigible poon hound.
- Ha, ha.Copy !req
69. - Those are enormous in size.
- Oh, well...Copy !req
70. Uh, thank you. Kind of.
May I please cup one in my hand?Copy !req
71. Ooh. See, here's the thing...
We're actually together.Copy !req
72. Cyril, go get some gravlax.Copy !req
73. Torvald, feel free to cup
anything in the room.Copy !req
74. Uh... Oh, you were
talking about my guns.Copy !req
75. Strange that you
wear them to a party.Copy !req
76. Normally I wouldn't, but Malory...
But that's ISIS for you.Copy !req
77. Always primed and ready
for action.Copy !req
78. This is good to know.
Yeah, how about that?Copy !req
79. Which is why you should
consider ISIS for the UN contract.Copy !req
80. Our agents are highly trained
in many disciplines.Copy !req
81. Like Krav Maga, for instance.
My arm, my arm.Copy !req
82. You're breaking my arm.
Lana.Copy !req
83. Oh, I'm sorry. Did that hurt?
Yes, it hurt. What is wrong with you?Copy !req
84. Nothing but too much enthusiasm
for the opportunity to serve the UN.Copy !req
85. Oh, and hands like the Truckasaurus.
Hey.Copy !req
86. Gravlax, anyone?
No. No gravlax. I need painkillers.Copy !req
87. Cyril, in my medicine cabinet... Wait, no.
Aah.Copy !req
88. I have to get it myself,
just right after I get that.Copy !req
89. Hello.Copy !req
90. You're late.
What is that smell?Copy !req
91. Gravlax and failure.Copy !req
92. I think Lana just broke
Torvald's hand.Copy !req
93. Truckasaurus. Ha, ha!
And we won't win that contract if...Copy !req
94. Who on God's green earth
dressed you?Copy !req
95. Nobody, that's why I'm late.
Woodhouse just disappeared.Copy !req
96. Only temporarily, sir.Copy !req
97. Why are you here?
Actually sir, I'm with Carina.Copy !req
98. Who?
Carina.Copy !req
99. Ugh.
I changed it again.Copy !req
100. I feel that Carina better captures
my sensual womanhood.Copy !req
101. Yeah, she so
totally does.Copy !req
102. You said no dates.
I said no such thing.Copy !req
103. Well, your mouth did.
Well, your mouth better get over there...Copy !req
104. and make Torvald happy.
Um, phrasing?Copy !req
105. Regale him with exciting
tales of ISIS exploits.Copy !req
106. Take his mind off Lana's huge,
Johnny Benchian fingers.Copy !req
107. Can we get off my fingers?
Yeah, they are pretty big.Copy !req
108. First time I've heard you complain.
Hi-ho! Ha, ha.Copy !req
109. Seriously, who wants gravlax?
Sterling, go. Regale him.Copy !req
110. - I think he's already being regaled.
- Meatballs!Copy !req
111. Oh, for... Torvald.Copy !req
112. Bet you get that a lot, huh, Torvie?Copy !req
113. Swedish meatballs.Copy !req
114. Get away from me,
you disgusting woman.Copy !req
115. Wow. So even Pam got a date.
A man, even.Copy !req
116. But suave master-spy,
Sterling Archer, stands alone.Copy !req
117. Just like the cheese.Copy !req
118. I have a...
And a very handsome cheese, at that.Copy !req
119. I don't even know
how you got out, Woodhouse.Copy !req
120. Alone.
And I do have a date.Copy !req
121. You do? Where is she?
She is parking.Copy !req
122. Oh, yeah? What's she driving?
A Snuffleupagus?Copy !req
123. Uh, oh, wait.
Uh, with all that...Copy !req
124. sexy European lingerie modeling...
Mm-hm?Copy !req
125. to pay for her European
med school that she's going to...Copy !req
126. she probably never had time
to learn to drive.Copy !req
127. She sounds fabulous.Copy !req
128. Gravlax?
Thanks, no. I'm allergic to cat piss.Copy !req
129. Go away.Copy !req
130. So your instructions are clear?
Oh.Copy !req
131. Why must you micromanage
everything? Yeah, yeah, okay.Copy !req
132. You know what second-hand
smoke does to a fetus.Copy !req
133. Uta, after we kill Utne...Copy !req
134. we need to have
a very long and serious talk.Copy !req
135. No. I need a painkiller, not a...Copy !req
136. Torvald.
What is that? A calcium supplement?Copy !req
137. Trust me, dear, these work wonders.
Okay.Copy !req
138. But what I have seen...Copy !req
139. lSIS is a distant second
to ODIN. Very distant.Copy !req
140. What about the
groundbreaking work...Copy !req
141. Dr. Krieger is doing for ISIS
in our Applied Research Division?Copy !req
142. Yeah, tell him about the sex-robot.
The what?Copy !req
143. Yes... The what?
I call him Fister Roboto.Copy !req
144. But it doesn't just fist. Tell him.
Pam!Copy !req
145. He's a fully integrated
multi-fetish artificial being.Copy !req
146. That is the most disgusting...
Shut up. Shut, shut. And the best part...Copy !req
147. is that he's learning.
ISIS clearly is not the agency for us.Copy !req
148. Rotten gravlax, sex-bots,
and, uh...Copy !req
149. except for the Negress,
the women are...Copy !req
150. Willing to do whatever it takes.Copy !req
151. Still gross.
And such rudeness.Copy !req
152. Fister Roboto wouldn't take that.
He's just too damn sensitive.Copy !req
153. As also am I. So if you will excuse...Copy !req
154. There, there. Let that calcium
citrate seep into your bones.Copy !req
155. What about Trinette?
She said that?Copy !req
156. How about Jade?
Oh, no, never mind.Copy !req
157. Destiny? No, she's not passable.
With that Adam's apple...Copy !req
158. she looks like she swallowed
a Rubik's Cube.Copy !req
159. Excuse me, sir.
I...Copy !req
160. You are looking for a date?
Are you working?Copy !req
161. Mm. You could
say that, yes.Copy !req
162. Then we need to lock down
your cover story. And, uh...Copy !req
163. I need to hit an ATM.Copy !req
164. Torvald, please,
don't go yet.Copy !req
165. You haven't even tried the fish balls.
No need.Copy !req
166. There is plenty of fishiness going
on at ISIS without your balls.Copy !req
167. Maybe I should go
say something.Copy !req
168. Where's the damn fish balls, already?
I could kill for some food.Copy !req
169. Sure it wouldn't be the first time.
Lana.Copy !req
170. No, I just meant like
she literally killed somebody.Copy !req
171. Then ate their corpse.
I saw where you were going.Copy !req
172. You know...Copy !req
173. When I served in
the King's African Rifles...Copy !req
174. the local Zambezi tribesmen
called human flesh...Copy !req
175. "long pig."Copy !req
176. Never much cared for it.Copy !req
177. Torvald, at least stay for dinner.Copy !req
178. I think you'll be very surprised by...
I detest surprises.Copy !req
179. Which is why the contract
will remain with ODIN.Copy !req
180. Mani, do something.Copy !req
181. Utne is leaving.Copy !req
182. Okay, okay, we go
ahead of schedule.Copy !req
183. Find some Tupperware,
we take food to go.Copy !req
184. But you promised me
Ruby Foo's.Copy !req
185. Yeah, I also promised you a baby.
How's that working out for you?Copy !req
186. Hey, does that cook seem weird?
Normal-weird or German-weird?Copy !req
187. Now, good night, and good...Copy !req
188. Evening, you...Copy !req
189. beautiful girl.Copy !req
190. Hello.
You're not, um, leaving, are you?Copy !req
191. No, not if you are staying, Miss?Copy !req
192. Oh, um... Yup.
Hübsch.Copy !req
193. Elke Hübsch.
A pleasure, my dear.Copy !req
194. I am Torvald...
Utne, I know.Copy !req
195. I am a great admirer.
You know he's not the shot-putter, right?Copy !req
196. Of course he is not
the shot-putter.Copy !req
197. But I am sure
he is very strong.Copy !req
198. Ha, ha. Unlike these drinks.
Come, my dear...Copy !req
199. let us find something potable.Copy !req
200. Whoa. Wait a minute. Hey, Utne. Utne!
Would you shut up?Copy !req
201. We just need to keep
Torvald happy until dinner.Copy !req
202. And what about my happiness,
Mother?Copy !req
203. Well?
Oh, was that not rhetorical?Copy !req
204. The Needle?
Why is she here?Copy !req
205. Oh, that Russian prick.
He sent two teams again.Copy !req
206. And if the Needle kills Utne,
we won't even get our per diem.Copy !req
207. But what if you kill them both?Copy !req
208. Oh. Yeah, I could do this.Copy !req
209. Hey, help.
Ah! Help with what, sir?Copy !req
210. No, I was addressing you as "help."
What's the story on those fish balls?Copy !req
211. Coming right out.
Hurry it up. All I've had today is, like...Copy !req
212. six gummy bears and some Scotch.Copy !req
213. This is why I don't get you nice things.
Not that. Him. Uta, that was Duchess.Copy !req
214. That was Duchess?
Yeah, the deadliest agent there is.Copy !req
215. Oh, my God.Copy !req
216. I can't believe they fell for that.Copy !req
217. But if he's on the plan
of Frau Archer...Copy !req
218. What if her plan is a big fat set-up?
What if they mean to kill us?Copy !req
219. Oh! Mani, the baby.
Ah.Copy !req
220. Okay. So now we go
to Plan Manfred.Copy !req
221. And then Ruby Foo's.
Well, we will see.Copy !req
222. Really? A European lingerie model.Copy !req
223. Only to pay for European
med school. Ha, ha.Copy !req
224. Like to get a physical from her.
Or with her. Ha, ha.Copy !req
225. Ow, ow, ow!
I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows...Copy !req
226. how many pounds it takes
to snap a collarbone?Copy !req
227. She probably uses the metric system.
Yeah, what do they use? Kilowatts?Copy !req
228. No, in this case it would be pascals.
Ugh. Hey, Europe, be gayer.Copy !req
229. Lana. Release him.
As you wish.Copy !req
230. I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I find your mannish hands disturbing.Copy !req
231. I think they're kind of sexy.Copy !req
232. Excuse me?
They're fingers, Pam, not kielbasas.Copy !req
233. But keep them limbered up.
I have a big surprise planned for dinner...Copy !req
234. and I need you ready,
locked and loaded.Copy !req
235. Yeah, so do you maybe want to let us
in on your little scheme-hatchery?Copy !req
236. No.Copy !req
237. Oh, if I were 20 years younger.Copy !req
238. I can make you feel like you are.
Mm.Copy !req
239. I would like, I think,
that very much.Copy !req
240. Well then go find an ATM,
I'm sorry?Copy !req
241. Oh, me too. I must leave for a moment.Copy !req
242. Excuse me.
Yeah, sorry, don't mind me.Copy !req
243. Hey, are you having a good time?
Oh, I am. Ha, ha.Copy !req
244. Good to hear. Please excuse us.
Mm-hm.Copy !req
245. Keep her out of
the medicine cabinet.Copy !req
246. One more dead body in here,
and that bitch Trudy Beekman...Copy !req
247. will have me right back
in front of the co-op board.Copy !req
248. You don't get along
with your neighbors anywhere.Copy !req
249. Who could with a woman who
wallpapered her guest bathroom...Copy !req
250. with vintage
New Yorker covers?Copy !req
251. Yes, major.
I am in position...Copy !req
252. and ready to eliminate
the target.Copy !req
253. Excellent.
ODIN will find it much harder...Copy !req
254. to bribe a dead man
for the UN contract.Copy !req
255. And I will find it
much more enjoyable...Copy !req
256. to work with the woman
who runs ISIS.Copy !req
257. What do you mean "with"?
Against. Obviously. Duh.Copy !req
258. Obviously. And so I still think...Copy !req
259. you should let me kill
everybody here.Copy !req
260. Nyet. Under no circumstances
are you to harm the hostess. Who, um...Copy !req
261. - Whose name I have no way ofknowing.
- Hey. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
262. Uh, Botox.Copy !req
263. Not from the
medicine cabinet. No.Copy !req
264. Don't use this. She switches
all the labels on her medicine.Copy !req
265. Why?
I think there's, like, a racial component.Copy !req
266. But for all we know,
this could be insulin.Copy !req
267. Oh, your mother is a diabetic?
How should I know?Copy !req
268. Why don't you just
pour it on everybody's?Copy !req
269. We are not to harm the hostess.Copy !req
270. But her I want to poison
most of all.Copy !req
271. Are you lazy Huns ready, or what?
Oh. Ha, ha. Hello, yep.Copy !req
272. Good. So on the second bell...
I come out shooting blanks. See?Copy !req
273. Uta is just, uh,
polishing the gun.Copy !req
274. Give me that. Some idiot dropped
a fish ball on my Azerbaijani rug.Copy !req
275. I am that idiot.
Ach.Copy !req
276. Why are you so immature?Copy !req
277. I'm 19.Copy !req
278. Elke? Is everything all right?Copy !req
279. Wunderbar, Torvald.Copy !req
280. How are you?
I am fantastic, my dear.Copy !req
281. Those calcium supplements
are amazing.Copy !req
282. You're gonna need some calcium,
after I...Copy !req
283. do something bad to your bones.Copy !req
284. Hello?
Hello?Copy !req
285. Can you hear me? Come in.
What?Copy !req
286. Wait. What the hell?
What is the frequency?Copy !req
287. Kenneth?
Turn off. Turn off. Turn off.Copy !req
288. What? I can't hear you, tiny man.Copy !req
289. Oh, great. Thanks, Mother,
for replacing the baby aspirin with LSD.Copy !req
290. God, that is just...Copy !req
291. hmm, classic her.Copy !req
292. Places, everyone.Copy !req
293. - Is everyone comfy?
- Relatively.Copy !req
294. Sterling and Lana?Copy !req
295. You both have a clear line
of sight to the kitchen?Copy !req
296. Yes?
Sure, I think so.Copy !req
297. Well, then let's eat. First bell.Copy !req
298. Wow. Forgot how much
I hated that.Copy !req
299. Oh, that's right.Copy !req
300. I kept it on the nightstand to wake Nanny
whenever Sterling wet the bed.Copy !req
301. Ha-ha-ha!
I... Mother!Copy !req
302. Sissy bed-wetter.Copy !req
303. Wait, whose bed?
It was always "don't ask, don't tell."Copy !req
304. Woodhouse. What are you doing?
Uh, sitting down, sir.Copy !req
305. - What, at the table? Like people?
- Sterling.Copy !req
306. Sterling!
What? Look, he thinks he's people.Copy !req
307. This Archer is a gigantic
douche bag.Copy !req
308. Oh, Torvald.Copy !req
309. Who cares about him?
Oh.Copy !req
310. Woodhouse, dear,
please have a seat.Copy !req
311. - Very kind of you, ma'am.
- Shut up.Copy !req
312. Torvald, a toast?
Sure, go crazy.Copy !req
313. - Oh...
- Then, um...Copy !req
314. - Hooray. Dig in.
- Wow.Copy !req
315. And what is this we're eating?
It smells vaguely poisonous.Copy !req
316. It does smell vaguely poisonous.Copy !req
317. Are you sure she has the right plate?
Pretty sure.Copy !req
318. Oh, Uta.
What? I am pretty sure.Copy !req
319. Don't worry,
this is a normal smell.Copy !req
320. This is called Janssons frestelse.
Frestel?Copy !req
321. Yes, frestelse.
It means "temptation."Copy !req
322. Oh, Torvald.
I am very tempted.Copy !req
323. Yes, and I am tempted to give
ISIS the UN contract, Malory.Copy !req
324. Hmm? I mean, you are?Copy !req
325. Well, it depends on your frestelse.
Mmm.Copy !req
326. Tell me, my dear,
is it tempting?Copy !req
327. Elke, what is the matter?
Are you...?Copy !req
328. Um...
What?Copy !req
329. That's the wrong plate, Uta.Copy !req
330. Uta.Copy !req
331. That's how you talk.Copy !req
332. Perfidy.
No, Torvald, there's no perfidy.Copy !req
333. You poison my food over a contract?
Torvald, I swear I didn't...Copy !req
334. When I am finished with ISIS,
you won't be able to get a contract...Copy !req
335. for a pre-paid mobile phone.
No, no!Copy !req
336. I will tear you down
brick by perfidious brick.Copy !req
337. It's okay.
Aah!Copy !req
338. It's okay, they're just blanks.Copy !req
339. Oh.
Well, see, you say that.Copy !req
340. But they were blanks. Weren't they?
Uh, only if the back of his skull picked...Copy !req
341. that exact moment to explode outwards.
What?Copy !req
342. Ugh!
Oh, my God.Copy !req
343. - Damn it. Where are those Germans?
- What?Copy !req
344. I should not do this in my condition.Copy !req
345. What condition? Your only condition
is that you are a stupid crazy girl.Copy !req
346. Do not speak to me like a child, Manfred.
I hate when you do that.Copy !req
347. I think you like it. Ja.Copy !req
348. Because I think you have some serious
and unresolved issues with your father.Copy !req
349. Yeah? And maybe
that is why I date...Copy !req
350. a wrinkled old man
like you.Copy !req
351. Wow.
I didn't mean that.Copy !req
352. No, no, it's okay. I think we both knew it.
Oh, Mani.Copy !req
353. Just strange to hear it out loud.Copy !req
354. Oh, for shit's sake.
And they didn't do one dish.Copy !req
355. This is funny to you?
I ate a bunch of that LSD...Copy !req
356. you had labeled as baby Aspirin.
That was baby Aspirin.Copy !req
357. - Oh.
- Hey, guys?Copy !req
358. Wait, what?
What, uh?Copy !req
359. What's the plan here?
I shall fetch a rug.Copy !req
360. No you will not. That rug was
a gift from the Azeri Khan himself.Copy !req
361. And besides, we're not going far.Copy !req
362. Is that hard to do? With those
big old ballpark frankenfingers?Copy !req
363. Shut up.Copy !req
364. Hurry, the Beekmans
will be back any time.Copy !req
365. And nobody touch anything.Copy !req
366. God, Cyril, would you go?Copy !req
367. Unh. I should be carrying her.
Cyril, I paid her, I get to carry her corpse.Copy !req
368. - See? Just look at this bathroom.
- I kind of like it.Copy !req
369. Exactly. All right, drop them there...Copy !req
370. next to that awful Louis Quinze repro.Copy !req
371. Now then. We want this to look
like a classic hooker-murder-suicide...Copy !req
372. so, Cyril, take Sterling's gun...Copy !req
373. - ... and pump a round into his prostitute.
- Wait, what?Copy !req
374. Everyone shoots the chippy.
That way, we're all in it together.Copy !req
375. Think of it as a team-building exercise.Copy !req
376. - ODIN gets to go on Outward Bound.
- ODIN can suck it. Now shoot.Copy !req
377. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
378. - You're next.
- Cyril, that was pathetic.Copy !req
379. - Come on. Everybody shoots.
- Hey, I wanna go. Bam!Copy !req
380. Now, Sterling, drop your gun
between the bodies, and...Copy !req
381. No. Have you never seen CSI?
This is already, like, Clue Town.Copy !req
382. - Not for long. Dr. Krieger, dear?
- What? Oh.Copy !req
383. Cyril, call 911 from their phone
and leave it off the hook...Copy !req
384. - ... and, Sterling.
- But this gun, it was a gift.Copy !req
385. Oh, please. Nobody gives you gifts.Copy !req
386. You don't know.Copy !req
387. Whatever you say, dear. Dr. Krieger?Copy !req
388. - Now, then...
- Still didn't get the contract.Copy !req
389. Oh, but I will.
And I'll get to see Trudy Beekman...Copy !req
390. try to explain this little barbecue
to the co-op board.Copy !req
391. That smell takes me back.Copy !req
392. - Just like a Zambezi feast.
- Yeah, I'm kind of hungry.Copy !req
393. - Is that weird?
- It would be weirder if you weren't.Copy !req
394. Well this torte's a winner, Malory.Copy !req
395. What was the name again?
Kladdkaka.Copy !req
396. Stop it!Copy !req
397. I'm sorry. That... That's a funny word.Copy !req
398. Oh, I thought we were laughing
at the dead people we set on fire.Copy !req
399. Um, sorry.Copy !req