1. - Torvald Utne.
- The Olympic shot-putter?
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2. The chairman of the UN
Intelligence Committee.
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3. Do you not even skim
the briefings in your inbox?
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4. I have an inbox?
Utne decides which spy agency...
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5. gets the insanely lucrative
UN contract.
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6. And as you may or...
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7. - probably don't know,
for six years running...
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8. the contract has
gone to ODIN.
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9. Ugh. The Organization
of Douche Bags In... In...
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10. Wait, I had something.
Douche-baggery notwithstanding...
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11. Nowheresville.
their ground floor isn't a laundromat.
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12. Wash-and-fold, technically.
ISIS needs that UN contract.
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13. So I am going to woo
Mr. Torvald Utne...
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14. Gross.
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15. with a dinner party.
Tonight.
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16. And you're uninviting me in advance.
Normally, yes.
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17. But this party is different.
And very important...
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18. so absolutely nothing can go wrong.
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19. Then we better keep
Dr. Bellows away from Jeannie...
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20. No, no dates.
I Dream of Jeannie.
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21. No one is bringing a date,
so don't you bring a date.
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22. I don't wanna get there
and be the only one without a date.
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23. And I don't want another one of your sullen
whores using my medicine cabinet...
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24. like a Pez dispenser.
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25. Peggy, you will probably
kill me for this...
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26. but, senator,
we now have a subway museum...
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27. If... Are you still big into trains?
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28. That wasn't her fault.
Who puts OxyContin in a Xanax bottle?
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29. People with servants, idiot.
If they steal pills...
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30. how does it help to switch the labels?
Because they can't read English.
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31. Ha, ha. I'm gonna leave you to think
about that whole line of reasoning...
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32. You think.
And what scheme you're hatching...
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33. for this dinner party.
There's no scheme-hatchery.
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34. Hello?
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35. - Do you mind? It's the caterer.
- Right. Okay, sure.
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36. Your instructions are clear?
Ja. No problem.
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37. Oh, I have other call. Yeah, okay.
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38. - Hello? Oh.
- Hello?
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39. Da, da.
So your instructions are clear?
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40. Da.
Excellent.
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41. - Uta, get dressed, we work tonight.
- But, Mani, what about The Fantasticks?
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42. Tomorrow, liebchen,
I promise, but to...
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43. You brought this ridiculous thing.
Is it so ridiculous...
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44. to ready my body for the baby?
Uta. Please do not start this.
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45. Just ready your body for work, hmm?
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46. Fine. What is the job?
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47. Two jobs. The first,
we make a big phony attempt...
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48. to kill Torvald Utne.
Okay. And the second?
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49. We kill Torvald Utne.
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50. So your instructions are clear?
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51. Drinks and fish balls.
You ring first bell for dinner.
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52. And on second bell,
I come out, all John Wooey...
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53. screaming crazy
and shooting blanks.
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54. Then I throw myself in front of Utne,
shielding him with my supple body...
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55. as you're gunned down by ISIS agents.
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56. Who are also shooting blanks.
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57. Mm-hm.
And loud ones.
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58. Because for Utne to buy it,
everyone must act surprised.
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59. Oh, I'm sure they will.
Yeah, me too.
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60. Mani, I have a bad feeling for this.
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61. Why? Only I will have real bullets.
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62. This is taking chocolate from a baby.
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63. Oh, no, we won't give
our baby chocolate.
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64. Ugh.
He can have carob.
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65. Thanks for inviting us to your
swanky dinner party, Ms. Archer.
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66. Yeah, I could get used to this.
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67. Don't. You're only here because I may
need you to take one for the team.
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68. - Torvald is an incorrigible poon hound.
- Ha, ha.
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69. - Those are enormous in size.
- Oh, well...
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70. Uh, thank you. Kind of.
May I please cup one in my hand?
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71. Ooh. See, here's the thing...
We're actually together.
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72. Cyril, go get some gravlax.
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73. Torvald, feel free to cup
anything in the room.
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74. Uh... Oh, you were
talking about my guns.
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75. Strange that you
wear them to a party.
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76. Normally I wouldn't, but Malory...
But that's ISIS for you.
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77. Always primed and ready
for action.
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78. This is good to know.
Yeah, how about that?
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79. Which is why you should
consider ISIS for the UN contract.
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80. Our agents are highly trained
in many disciplines.
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81. Like Krav Maga, for instance.
My arm, my arm.
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82. You're breaking my arm.
Lana.
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83. Oh, I'm sorry. Did that hurt?
Yes, it hurt. What is wrong with you?
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84. Nothing but too much enthusiasm
for the opportunity to serve the UN.
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85. Oh, and hands like the Truckasaurus.
Hey.
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86. Gravlax, anyone?
No. No gravlax. I need painkillers.
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87. Cyril, in my medicine cabinet... Wait, no.
Aah.
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88. I have to get it myself,
just right after I get that.
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89. Hello.
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90. You're late.
What is that smell?
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91. Gravlax and failure.
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92. I think Lana just broke
Torvald's hand.
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93. Truckasaurus. Ha, ha!
And we won't win that contract if...
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94. Who on God's green earth
dressed you?
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95. Nobody, that's why I'm late.
Woodhouse just disappeared.
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96. Only temporarily, sir.
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97. Why are you here?
Actually sir, I'm with Carina.
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98. Who?
Carina.
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99. Ugh.
I changed it again.
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100. I feel that Carina better captures
my sensual womanhood.
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101. Yeah, she so
totally does.
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102. You said no dates.
I said no such thing.
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103. Well, your mouth did.
Well, your mouth better get over there...
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104. and make Torvald happy.
Um, phrasing?
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105. Regale him with exciting
tales of ISIS exploits.
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106. Take his mind off Lana's huge,
Johnny Benchian fingers.
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107. Can we get off my fingers?
Yeah, they are pretty big.
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108. First time I've heard you complain.
Hi-ho! Ha, ha.
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109. Seriously, who wants gravlax?
Sterling, go. Regale him.
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110. - I think he's already being regaled.
- Meatballs!
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111. Oh, for... Torvald.
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112. Bet you get that a lot, huh, Torvie?
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113. Swedish meatballs.
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114. Get away from me,
you disgusting woman.
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115. Wow. So even Pam got a date.
A man, even.
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116. But suave master-spy,
Sterling Archer, stands alone.
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117. Just like the cheese.
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118. I have a...
And a very handsome cheese, at that.
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119. I don't even know
how you got out, Woodhouse.
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120. Alone.
And I do have a date.
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121. You do? Where is she?
She is parking.
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122. Oh, yeah? What's she driving?
A Snuffleupagus?
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123. Uh, oh, wait.
Uh, with all that...
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124. sexy European lingerie modeling...
Mm-hm?
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125. to pay for her European
med school that she's going to...
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126. she probably never had time
to learn to drive.
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127. She sounds fabulous.
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128. Gravlax?
Thanks, no. I'm allergic to cat piss.
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129. Go away.
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130. So your instructions are clear?
Oh.
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131. Why must you micromanage
everything? Yeah, yeah, okay.
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132. You know what second-hand
smoke does to a fetus.
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133. Uta, after we kill Utne...
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134. we need to have
a very long and serious talk.
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135. No. I need a painkiller, not a...
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136. Torvald.
What is that? A calcium supplement?
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137. Trust me, dear, these work wonders.
Okay.
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138. But what I have seen...
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139. lSIS is a distant second
to ODIN. Very distant.
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140. What about the
groundbreaking work...
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141. Dr. Krieger is doing for ISIS
in our Applied Research Division?
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142. Yeah, tell him about the sex-robot.
The what?
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143. Yes... The what?
I call him Fister Roboto.
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144. But it doesn't just fist. Tell him.
Pam!
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145. He's a fully integrated
multi-fetish artificial being.
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146. That is the most disgusting...
Shut up. Shut, shut. And the best part...
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147. is that he's learning.
ISIS clearly is not the agency for us.
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148. Rotten gravlax, sex-bots,
and, uh...
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149. except for the Negress,
the women are...
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150. Willing to do whatever it takes.
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151. Still gross.
And such rudeness.
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152. Fister Roboto wouldn't take that.
He's just too damn sensitive.
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153. As also am I. So if you will excuse...
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154. There, there. Let that calcium
citrate seep into your bones.
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155. What about Trinette?
She said that?
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156. How about Jade?
Oh, no, never mind.
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157. Destiny? No, she's not passable.
With that Adam's apple...
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158. she looks like she swallowed
a Rubik's Cube.
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159. Excuse me, sir.
I...
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160. You are looking for a date?
Are you working?
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161. Mm. You could
say that, yes.
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162. Then we need to lock down
your cover story. And, uh...
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163. I need to hit an ATM.
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164. Torvald, please,
don't go yet.
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165. You haven't even tried the fish balls.
No need.
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166. There is plenty of fishiness going
on at ISIS without your balls.
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167. Maybe I should go
say something.
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168. Where's the damn fish balls, already?
I could kill for some food.
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169. Sure it wouldn't be the first time.
Lana.
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170. No, I just meant like
she literally killed somebody.
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171. Then ate their corpse.
I saw where you were going.
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172. You know...
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173. When I served in
the King's African Rifles...
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174. the local Zambezi tribesmen
called human flesh...
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175. "long pig."
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176. Never much cared for it.
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177. Torvald, at least stay for dinner.
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178. I think you'll be very surprised by...
I detest surprises.
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179. Which is why the contract
will remain with ODIN.
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180. Mani, do something.
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181. Utne is leaving.
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182. Okay, okay, we go
ahead of schedule.
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183. Find some Tupperware,
we take food to go.
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184. But you promised me
Ruby Foo's.
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185. Yeah, I also promised you a baby.
How's that working out for you?
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186. Hey, does that cook seem weird?
Normal-weird or German-weird?
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187. Now, good night, and good...
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188. Evening, you...
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189. beautiful girl.
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190. Hello.
You're not, um, leaving, are you?
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191. No, not if you are staying, Miss?
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192. Oh, um... Yup.
Hübsch.
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193. Elke Hübsch.
A pleasure, my dear.
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194. I am Torvald...
Utne, I know.
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195. I am a great admirer.
You know he's not the shot-putter, right?
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196. Of course he is not
the shot-putter.
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197. But I am sure
he is very strong.
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198. Ha, ha. Unlike these drinks.
Come, my dear...
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199. let us find something potable.
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200. Whoa. Wait a minute. Hey, Utne. Utne!
Would you shut up?
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201. We just need to keep
Torvald happy until dinner.
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202. And what about my happiness,
Mother?
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203. Well?
Oh, was that not rhetorical?
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204. The Needle?
Why is she here?
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205. Oh, that Russian prick.
He sent two teams again.
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206. And if the Needle kills Utne,
we won't even get our per diem.
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207. But what if you kill them both?
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208. Oh. Yeah, I could do this.
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209. Hey, help.
Ah! Help with what, sir?
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210. No, I was addressing you as "help."
What's the story on those fish balls?
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211. Coming right out.
Hurry it up. All I've had today is, like...
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212. six gummy bears and some Scotch.
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213. This is why I don't get you nice things.
Not that. Him. Uta, that was Duchess.
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214. That was Duchess?
Yeah, the deadliest agent there is.
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215. Oh, my God.
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216. I can't believe they fell for that.
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217. But if he's on the plan
of Frau Archer...
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218. What if her plan is a big fat set-up?
What if they mean to kill us?
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219. Oh! Mani, the baby.
Ah.
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220. Okay. So now we go
to Plan Manfred.
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221. And then Ruby Foo's.
Well, we will see.
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222. Really? A European lingerie model.
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223. Only to pay for European
med school. Ha, ha.
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224. Like to get a physical from her.
Or with her. Ha, ha.
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225. Ow, ow, ow!
I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows...
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226. how many pounds it takes
to snap a collarbone?
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227. She probably uses the metric system.
Yeah, what do they use? Kilowatts?
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228. No, in this case it would be pascals.
Ugh. Hey, Europe, be gayer.
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229. Lana. Release him.
As you wish.
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230. I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I find your mannish hands disturbing.
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231. I think they're kind of sexy.
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232. Excuse me?
They're fingers, Pam, not kielbasas.
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233. But keep them limbered up.
I have a big surprise planned for dinner...
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234. and I need you ready,
locked and loaded.
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235. Yeah, so do you maybe want to let us
in on your little scheme-hatchery?
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236. No.
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237. Oh, if I were 20 years younger.
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238. I can make you feel like you are.
Mm.
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239. I would like, I think,
that very much.
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240. Well then go find an ATM,
I'm sorry?
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241. Oh, me too. I must leave for a moment.
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242. Excuse me.
Yeah, sorry, don't mind me.
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243. Hey, are you having a good time?
Oh, I am. Ha, ha.
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244. Good to hear. Please excuse us.
Mm-hm.
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245. Keep her out of
the medicine cabinet.
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246. One more dead body in here,
and that bitch Trudy Beekman...
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247. will have me right back
in front of the co-op board.
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248. You don't get along
with your neighbors anywhere.
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249. Who could with a woman who
wallpapered her guest bathroom...
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250. with vintage
New Yorker covers?
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251. Yes, major.
I am in position...
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252. and ready to eliminate
the target.
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253. Excellent.
ODIN will find it much harder...
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254. to bribe a dead man
for the UN contract.
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255. And I will find it
much more enjoyable...
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256. to work with the woman
who runs ISIS.
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257. What do you mean "with"?
Against. Obviously. Duh.
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258. Obviously. And so I still think...
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259. you should let me kill
everybody here.
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260. Nyet. Under no circumstances
are you to harm the hostess. Who, um...
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261. - Whose name I have no way ofknowing.
- Hey. What the hell are you doing?
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262. Uh, Botox.
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263. Not from the
medicine cabinet. No.
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264. Don't use this. She switches
all the labels on her medicine.
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265. Why?
I think there's, like, a racial component.
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266. But for all we know,
this could be insulin.
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267. Oh, your mother is a diabetic?
How should I know?
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268. Why don't you just
pour it on everybody's?
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269. We are not to harm the hostess.
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270. But her I want to poison
most of all.
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271. Are you lazy Huns ready, or what?
Oh. Ha, ha. Hello, yep.
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272. Good. So on the second bell...
I come out shooting blanks. See?
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273. Uta is just, uh,
polishing the gun.
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274. Give me that. Some idiot dropped
a fish ball on my Azerbaijani rug.
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275. I am that idiot.
Ach.
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276. Why are you so immature?
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277. I'm 19.
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278. Elke? Is everything all right?
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279. Wunderbar, Torvald.
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280. How are you?
I am fantastic, my dear.
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281. Those calcium supplements
are amazing.
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282. You're gonna need some calcium,
after I...
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283. do something bad to your bones.
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284. Hello?
Hello?
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285. Can you hear me? Come in.
What?
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286. Wait. What the hell?
What is the frequency?
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287. Kenneth?
Turn off. Turn off. Turn off.
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288. What? I can't hear you, tiny man.
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289. Oh, great. Thanks, Mother,
for replacing the baby aspirin with LSD.
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290. God, that is just...
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291. hmm, classic her.
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292. Places, everyone.
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293. - Is everyone comfy?
- Relatively.
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294. Sterling and Lana?
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295. You both have a clear line
of sight to the kitchen?
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296. Yes?
Sure, I think so.
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297. Well, then let's eat. First bell.
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298. Wow. Forgot how much
I hated that.
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299. Oh, that's right.
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300. I kept it on the nightstand to wake Nanny
whenever Sterling wet the bed.
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301. Ha-ha-ha!
I... Mother!
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302. Sissy bed-wetter.
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303. Wait, whose bed?
It was always "don't ask, don't tell."
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304. Woodhouse. What are you doing?
Uh, sitting down, sir.
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305. - What, at the table? Like people?
- Sterling.
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306. Sterling!
What? Look, he thinks he's people.
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307. This Archer is a gigantic
douche bag.
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308. Oh, Torvald.
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309. Who cares about him?
Oh.
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310. Woodhouse, dear,
please have a seat.
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311. - Very kind of you, ma'am.
- Shut up.
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312. Torvald, a toast?
Sure, go crazy.
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313. - Oh...
- Then, um...
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314. - Hooray. Dig in.
- Wow.
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315. And what is this we're eating?
It smells vaguely poisonous.
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316. It does smell vaguely poisonous.
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317. Are you sure she has the right plate?
Pretty sure.
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318. Oh, Uta.
What? I am pretty sure.
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319. Don't worry,
this is a normal smell.
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320. This is called Janssons frestelse.
Frestel?
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321. Yes, frestelse.
It means "temptation."
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322. Oh, Torvald.
I am very tempted.
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323. Yes, and I am tempted to give
ISIS the UN contract, Malory.
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324. Hmm? I mean, you are?
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325. Well, it depends on your frestelse.
Mmm.
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326. Tell me, my dear,
is it tempting?
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327. Elke, what is the matter?
Are you...?
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328. Um...
What?
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329. That's the wrong plate, Uta.
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330. Uta.
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331. That's how you talk.
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332. Perfidy.
No, Torvald, there's no perfidy.
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333. You poison my food over a contract?
Torvald, I swear I didn't...
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334. When I am finished with ISIS,
you won't be able to get a contract...
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335. for a pre-paid mobile phone.
No, no!
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336. I will tear you down
brick by perfidious brick.
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337. It's okay.
Aah!
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338. It's okay, they're just blanks.
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339. Oh.
Well, see, you say that.
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340. But they were blanks. Weren't they?
Uh, only if the back of his skull picked...
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341. that exact moment to explode outwards.
What?
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342. Ugh!
Oh, my God.
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343. - Damn it. Where are those Germans?
- What?
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344. I should not do this in my condition.
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345. What condition? Your only condition
is that you are a stupid crazy girl.
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346. Do not speak to me like a child, Manfred.
I hate when you do that.
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347. I think you like it. Ja.
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348. Because I think you have some serious
and unresolved issues with your father.
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349. Yeah? And maybe
that is why I date...
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350. a wrinkled old man
like you.
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351. Wow.
I didn't mean that.
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352. No, no, it's okay. I think we both knew it.
Oh, Mani.
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353. Just strange to hear it out loud.
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354. Oh, for shit's sake.
And they didn't do one dish.
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355. This is funny to you?
I ate a bunch of that LSD...
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356. you had labeled as baby Aspirin.
That was baby Aspirin.
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357. - Oh.
- Hey, guys?
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358. Wait, what?
What, uh?
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359. What's the plan here?
I shall fetch a rug.
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360. No you will not. That rug was
a gift from the Azeri Khan himself.
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361. And besides, we're not going far.
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362. Is that hard to do? With those
big old ballpark frankenfingers?
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363. Shut up.
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364. Hurry, the Beekmans
will be back any time.
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365. And nobody touch anything.
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366. God, Cyril, would you go?
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367. Unh. I should be carrying her.
Cyril, I paid her, I get to carry her corpse.
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368. - See? Just look at this bathroom.
- I kind of like it.
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369. Exactly. All right, drop them there...
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370. next to that awful Louis Quinze repro.
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371. Now then. We want this to look
like a classic hooker-murder-suicide...
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372. so, Cyril, take Sterling's gun...
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373. - ... and pump a round into his prostitute.
- Wait, what?
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374. Everyone shoots the chippy.
That way, we're all in it together.
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375. Think of it as a team-building exercise.
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376. - ODIN gets to go on Outward Bound.
- ODIN can suck it. Now shoot.
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377. Oh, Jesus.
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378. - You're next.
- Cyril, that was pathetic.
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379. - Come on. Everybody shoots.
- Hey, I wanna go. Bam!
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380. Now, Sterling, drop your gun
between the bodies, and...
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381. No. Have you never seen CSI?
This is already, like, Clue Town.
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382. - Not for long. Dr. Krieger, dear?
- What? Oh.
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383. Cyril, call 911 from their phone
and leave it off the hook...
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384. - ... and, Sterling.
- But this gun, it was a gift.
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385. Oh, please. Nobody gives you gifts.
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386. You don't know.
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387. Whatever you say, dear. Dr. Krieger?
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388. - Now, then...
- Still didn't get the contract.
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389. Oh, but I will.
And I'll get to see Trudy Beekman...
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390. try to explain this little barbecue
to the co-op board.
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391. That smell takes me back.
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392. - Just like a Zambezi feast.
- Yeah, I'm kind of hungry.
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393. - Is that weird?
- It would be weirder if you weren't.
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394. Well this torte's a winner, Malory.
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395. What was the name again?
Kladdkaka.
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396. Stop it!
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397. I'm sorry. That... That's a funny word.
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398. Oh, I thought we were laughing
at the dead people we set on fire.
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399. Um, sorry.
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