1. And if it happens again
I'll put a lock on it...Copy !req
2. so no one can enjoy it.Copy !req
3. Moving on, item seven.Copy !req
4. Oh, I'm afraid I have some tragic news.Copy !req
5. - Um, item six wasn't tragic?
- Zip it.Copy !req
6. - Wow.
- Agent Hector Ruíz...Copy !req
7. who had infiltrated El Frente Rojo...Copy !req
8. was killed last night
when his cover was blown.Copy !req
9. - My little burrito.
- Wait, who?Copy !req
10. How in the world did his cover get blown?Copy !req
11. Ruíz? Hey man,
talk to these chicks, all right?Copy !req
12. Tell them how we're really ISIS agents!Copy !req
13. They don't believe me. Hello?Copy !req
14. Señor Wingman?Copy !req
15. - He probably got careless.
- I'm sure Hector didn't get...Copy !req
16. Oh, come on. Ruíz was a loose cannon.Copy !req
17. He played fast and he played loose.
And in the end, he got burned.Copy !req
18. - Be that as it may!
- Loose cannon.Copy !req
19. For ISIS to continue enjoying
Title 6 tax incentives...Copy !req
20. we have to meet certain...Copy !req
21. diversity requirements.Copy !req
22. - Oh, I think we're pretty diverse.
- Ha. Please.Copy !req
23. What? You're blackish.Copy !req
24. - Ish?
- Well, what's the word for it, Lana?Copy !req
25. - You freaked out when I said "quadroon."
- Imagine that!Copy !req
26. - You imagine it!
- Both of you, imagine shutting up!Copy !req
27. Because after losing Agent Pak last year...Copy !req
28. Hey, tell this broad
what's up with ISIS, Pak-man.Copy !req
29. Wokka, wokka, wokka!Copy !req
30. - And then Agent Mgumbe...
- You going to this lame ISIS picnic?Copy !req
31. - Loose cannons!
- the ISIS palette has become...Copy !req
32. decidedly monochromatic.Copy !req
33. - I'm one sixty-fourth Cherokee.
- Shut up!Copy !req
34. - So stupid.
- What?Copy !req
35. - A, no, you're probably not.
- And B through Z, nobody gives a shit.Copy !req
36. - Racist!
- What?Copy !req
37. You're anti-Native American.Copy !req
38. - Jeez!
- Come on.Copy !req
39. Item eight.Copy !req
40. We need a diversity hire.Copy !req
41. - I vote Asian chick.
- And after an exhaustive search...Copy !req
42. I found the perfect candidate.Copy !req
43. So join me in welcoming
our new ISIS agent...Copy !req
44. Stern. Conway Stern.Copy !req
45. He's a diversity double-whammy.Copy !req
46. So that was the firing range...Copy !req
47. and the cafeteria, and...Copy !req
48. - Do you keep kosher?
- Well, I do have a weakness for prawns.Copy !req
49. Me too! I'll have them
make paella tomorrow.Copy !req
50. Okay, that's the mainframe,
and these are all just...Copy !req
51. - drones.
- Hey, come on!Copy !req
52. Malory, these are the unsung
heroes of ISIS.Copy !req
53. Where'd we be without
my man Cyril in accounting?Copy !req
54. Hey, thanks, bro.Copy !req
55. You got it, buddy.
Or the lovely Pam in Human Resources.Copy !req
56. Yeah, I am kind of lovely.Copy !req
57. And last but not least...
I'm sorry, I don't know your name.Copy !req
58. - Me neither.
- See? They don't know anything.Copy !req
59. - Now, over here is a big corner office.
- I see it's currently empty.Copy !req
60. Like my "vagine."Copy !req
61. Yeah, but unlike your dusty "vagine,"
it's not going to stay empty.Copy !req
62. Wait, you don't think
you're getting the office.Copy !req
63. Well, I am the Human Resources director.Copy !req
64. Pam, come on, let's face it.
Your entire job could be done by a...Copy !req
65. - A bulletin board.
- You heard Conway. I'm essential!Copy !req
66. How? I can go online and get a list
of every federal holiday for the next...Copy !req
67. - Wow, ten thousand years.
- Wait, really? Ten thousand?Copy !req
68. Hmm? Oh. No, this isn't even on.Copy !req
69. - I'm gonna get that office!
- I'm getting it, Pam!Copy !req
70. Oh, my God, I am surrounded by idiots.Copy !req
71. And this is the locker room.Copy !req
72. Yeah, the, uh, lockers were a tip-off.Copy !req
73. Well, I'll leave you to it.
But if you need anything...Copy !req
74. you know how to whistle,
don't you, Conway?Copy !req
75. - Yup, lips together, blow. Got it.
- Oh. Ha, ha. You are just a little treasure.Copy !req
76. Jesus, Conway.Copy !req
77. - What have you got yourself into, man?
- You better pray it wasn't my mother.Copy !req
78. I'm fairly confident you misread
that whole situation.Copy !req
79. - Oh, yeah?
- I'm real confident you misread this one.Copy !req
80. - Uh, how about this one?
- This one, uh...Copy !req
81. - actually seems kind of gay.
- Maybe because our penises are touching.Copy !req
82. Yeah, so, let's go on...Copy !req
83. Three!Copy !req
84. - What? You, uh, see something you like?
- Wha...? No, you queer!Copy !req
85. Oh, I'm queer? From the guy...Copy !req
86. whose tiny gun
came with a matching purse?Copy !req
87. Hey, it's got plenty of stopping power.Copy !req
88. What? That little...?Copy !req
89. - Goddamn it, Archer! Again!
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
90. See that? He was putting on his pants
and I stopped him.Copy !req
91. So you just watch your step, mister, uh...Copy !req
92. - Damn it.
- There, should have gone with:Copy !req
93. - "Sammy Gay-vis Junior."
- Damn it!Copy !req
94. Come on. She doesn't need
a corner office...Copy !req
95. - just to Xerox the ISIS newsletter.
- Color Xerox.Copy !req
96. And what, you need more room
to chop vegetables?Copy !req
97. All right! Obviously,
I need to make a decision.Copy !req
98. But which shall it...? Oh!Copy !req
99. Or I could just give Conway both!Copy !req
100. - You what?
- I already took care of those.Copy !req
101. Frodo and Salsa were my operations.Copy !req
102. At ease, Career Admiral,
Malory was getting impatient on Salsa.Copy !req
103. - Salsa was a highly complex operation.
- Two phone calls.Copy !req
104. - And as for Frodo...
- Wha...?Copy !req
105. Well, some pun involving hobbits.Copy !req
106. Like, I bet he wishes he was wearing
Bilbo's coat of Dwarven mithril.Copy !req
107. - Gonna take your word on that.
- Yeah?Copy !req
108. Well, take my word on this.Copy !req
109. I am the top agent around here.Copy !req
110. - So watch it!
- So, see, in Middle-earth...Copy !req
111. Shh. Shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
112. Come on, buddy.Copy !req
113. - You're kidding.
- No, I'm dead serious.Copy !req
114. I wanna file a complaint
against Conway.Copy !req
115. - On what grounds?
- He touched my penis with his penis.Copy !req
116. - Wow.
- Yeah.Copy !req
117. "Byoop!"Copy !req
118. - Where?
- All of it. Head and shaft.Copy !req
119. - And... Oh, you mean where in the building.
- No.Copy !req
120. - That shouldn't matter, Pam.
- I got this other complaint from Brett...Copy !req
121. - who said you shot him again.
- Uh...Copy !req
122. here's the thing about Brett.Copy !req
123. Oh, shit! Those were the newsletters!Copy !req
124. Cyril, I need a little favor.Copy !req
125. Okay, Carin... Oh.Copy !req
126. - Now it's Cristal?
- Cristal.Copy !req
127. You know? Like the champagne.
It's what hot black guys drink.Copy !req
128. - Uh, you sure about that?
- And I want Conway to drink me...Copy !req
129. - so I need you to hook a sister up.
- Well, I will certainly try.Copy !req
130. Don't try, do. And here, use this.Copy !req
131. Wow, what is this?Copy !req
132. Tell Conway that his Secret Santa
wants to come early.Copy !req
133. Or, you know, whoever brings Jewish
people their Christmas presents.Copy !req
134. - What are you doing?
- Uh, none of your businessing.Copy !req
135. What kind of spy agency
scrimps on a freaking shredder?Copy !req
136. Apparently the kind that scrimps
on background checks.Copy !req
137. - Who is this guy?
- I don't know.Copy !req
138. But I got a bad feeling
about Mother's little "Project Conway."Copy !req
139. So I must be having a stroke...Copy !req
140. - because we actually agree on something.
- Wait, really?Copy !req
141. Totally. I mean,
he shows up out of nowhere...Copy !req
142. and starts trying to get all up
in everything?Copy !req
143. I mean, Salsa, Frodo.Copy !req
144. - Possibly Mother.
- And what do we even know about him?Copy !req
145. - Only that he's not circumcised.
- Okay.Copy !req
146. - Glossing over how you know that...
- We touched penises.Copy !req
147. No! Glossing.Copy !req
148. But a non-circumcised Jewish guy,
that's not weird to you?Copy !req
149. No, why would...?
I mean, I'm not Jewish...Copy !req
150. - and I'm circumcised. So it can...
- It doesn't work like that.Copy !req
151. Lana, come on.
I think we both know it works fine.Copy !req
152. Oh, come on. Not your dick, dumb-ass.Copy !req
153. Oh, my God!
This is about you and me, right?Copy !req
154. - Oh, my God! Get over yourself!
- Hey, I am over me.Copy !req
155. But apparently you're not.Copy !req
156. - What the hell smells like shrimp?
- Just my sensual womanhood.Copy !req
157. Oh, wait. Ew.Copy !req
158. I bet your womanhood smells divine.Copy !req
159. - Conway!
- Now, whom can I thank for these shrimps?Copy !req
160. Me, your secret Jew Santa.Copy !req
161. Conway! That was amazing.Copy !req
162. Yes, so, uh...Copy !req
163. okay.Copy !req
164. - Oh, my God, I hope I'm pregnant.
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
165. The system bounced your sexual
harassment complaint against Conway.Copy !req
166. - Well, unbounce it back.
- Who am I, Tron?Copy !req
167. Talk to your mother, she bounced it.Copy !req
168. - Why?
- Hey. Whoa.Copy !req
169. - Why would she do that?
- Don't go starting rumors...Copy !req
170. - about Conway boning your mother.
- Oh, my...Copy !req
171. - You get any of that in the trash can?
- No.Copy !req
172. I, uh, missed it on purpose.Copy !req
173. - Hey, Malory, uh, you got a second?
- I sincerely doubt it.Copy !req
174. - It's about Conway.
- Then yes, I have entire minutes.Copy !req
175. Isn't he just a dream come true?Copy !req
176. Well, that's the thing.
How did you actually find Conway?Copy !req
177. Well, he just sort of appeared.Copy !req
178. - Uh, yes, okay.
- Like a foundling, carved out of onyx.Copy !req
179. Yes, but from where? I mean,
if you didn't do a background check...Copy !req
180. Are you an idiot?
Or do you just think I am?Copy !req
181. - He totally checked out.
- Okay, so do you mind if I take a little...?Copy !req
182. Lana Kane! Just because now
you're not the only black agent...Copy !req
183. - Hey, that is not...
- Urban. Whatever.Copy !req
184. You come in here
and accuse Conway of what, exactly?Copy !req
185. Okay, fine,
I can't prove anything right now.Copy !req
186. But that never stopped J. Edna Hoover
from persecuting Martin Luther King...Copy !req
187. - now, did it?
- What does that have to do...?Copy !req
188. Wait, J. Edna?Copy !req
189. You never heard that? How Hoover was
this huge, cross-dressing chicken hawk?Copy !req
190. - I had not.
- That's exactly the kind of slanderous...Copy !req
191. and unsubstantiated rumor
I will not tolerate at ISIS.Copy !req
192. - Think about that while on suspension.
- While I'm on what?Copy !req
193. - What are you, deaf and racist?
- Wha...?Copy !req
194. - I'm black.
- Oh, put it back in the deck.Copy !req
195. - Hey, how is my lovely lady.
- Suspended.Copy !req
196. - What?
- Malory suspended me.Copy !req
197. Just because I had the nerve
to ask questions about her little...Copy !req
198. - homeboy McJewerson.
- Whoa, Lana, honey.Copy !req
199. - What?
- Even though it's perfectly natural...Copy !req
200. for you to be jealous of Conway...Copy !req
201. - Then she cold-cocked you, huh?
- Yeah, with that big Flintstoney fist of hers.Copy !req
202. - Seriously, "Homeboy McJewerson"?
- Oh, come on, I've heard worse than that.Copy !req
203. Yeah, but it doesn't even make sense.Copy !req
204. - I mean, maybe if you were Scottish or...
- Hey, man, racism, anti-Semitism.Copy !req
205. You can't go looking for logic in it.
Here, this'll help the swelling.Copy !req
206. Oh, thank you. Ha, ha.
Where'd you get the steak?Copy !req
207. Cristal. Yet another offering
of unrefrigerated meat and/or seafood.Copy !req
208. - Yeah, she's kind of weird that way.
- She's kind of weird a bunch of ways.Copy !req
209. What you doing, Birdbones?Copy !req
210. - Looking for a pregnancy test online.
- But there's a drugstore half a...Copy !req
211. Oh. You mean that you take online.Copy !req
212. - Yeah I want to know like, now.
- Well, thank God for them internets.Copy !req
213. - Okay, what is this lame meeting about?
- No idea, I'm busy and go away.Copy !req
214. - Excuse me?
- Oh, my God, why are you still here?Copy !req
215. - Mother called me for a meeting.
- But I thought you called a meeting.Copy !req
216. Oh, and by the way, you don't
call a meeting, only I call a meeting.Copy !req
217. - I called the meeting.
- Which I love. That you did that.Copy !req
218. I know it's not standard procedure...Copy !req
219. - but we've got a problem.
- A problem or a blessing?Copy !req
220. A problem.Copy !req
221. It's a silent submarine propulsion
system, called the Whisper Drive.Copy !req
222. - Oh, sounds sexy.
- Would you stop it.Copy !req
223. - Folks, please.
- Embarrassing.Copy !req
224. - You are embarrassing.
- Jesus.Copy !req
225. This is Wilhelm Schmeck,
inventor of the Whisper Drive.Copy !req
226. Schmeck went missing
along with the plans for the Whisper Drive.Copy !req
227. I tracked him to South Beach.
He's arranged to sell the plans...Copy !req
228. to Cuban Naval Intelligence.
If that happens...Copy !req
229. undetectable Cuban missile subs
could be parked right off Miami Beach.Copy !req
230. Ugh. Just what Miami needs.
More Cubans.Copy !req
231. And all we need is a stand-in,
who resembles Schmeck's Cuban contact...Copy !req
232. Wha...? What? That looks nothing like me.Copy !req
233. - Well, he's just a lot more handsome.
- Whatever.Copy !req
234. Zip it! Conway, dear?Copy !req
235. - The plan?
- Using Archer as bait...Copy !req
236. we slip in just ahead of the real Cubans,
capture Schmeck, and recover the plans.Copy !req
237. If we could run this thing
through your condo, that...Copy !req
238. - You have a South Beach condo?
- I, uh...Copy !req
239. Oh, hey, how's the, uh, lemon tree doing?Copy !req
240. Raúl says it already has tiny lemons.Copy !req
241. That was a wonderful thank-you gift.Copy !req
242. - Well, it was a wonderful weekend.
- It was, wasn't it?Copy !req
243. You were there, in the condo, together?Copy !req
244. - Yeah, last weekend.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
245. Oh, for... See? That's what happens
when you drink all day and skip lunch.Copy !req
246. Oh, we were supposed to have paella.Copy !req
247. Archer, come on, man, let's go.Copy !req
248. You go! Get on the plane,
buckle in, sit there...Copy !req
249. and think about how you're not
the boss of me.Copy !req
250. Hey, babe. Got any extra puke bags?Copy !req
251. Why? You taking a moral inventory?Copy !req
252. Jesus, God,
what are you doing here?Copy !req
253. - I'm, trying to save...
- A relationship?Copy !req
254. Lana, maybe when I get back, we can work
out some kind of bang-buddy deal, but...Copy !req
255. Ow!Copy !req
256. - I want you to listen to me.
- Well then unperforate my eardrum.Copy !req
257. Un...Copy !req
258. head up your ass!Copy !req
259. I think Conway is totally up to something.Copy !req
260. Duh! You think I'm an idiot?
I know he wants to marry Mother...Copy !req
261. - and cut me out of the will.
- Ugh. Archer.Copy !req
262. - Which is why I'm going to kill him.
- Oh. Okay, well, whatever the reason.Copy !req
263. It's not because of the whole
black stepfather thing.Copy !req
264. - You know me better than that.
- Yeah, I do.Copy !req
265. So try not to do anything stupid, okay?
Conway could be dangerous.Copy !req
266. Yeah. You know what's dangerous?Copy !req
267. - Your obsession with me.
- Just...Copy !req
268. Seriously Lana, call Kenny Loggins
because you're in the Danger Zone.Copy !req
269. - From Top Gun.
- Just be careful.Copy !req
270. No.Copy !req
271. God, this is so classic Mother.Copy !req
272. Yeah, it's pretty tastefully done, huh?Copy !req
273. No, you ass. The selfishness.Copy !req
274. She never shares anything with anybody.Copy !req
275. You're keeping that office for you?Copy !req
276. I need it to escape the glare
from those windows across the street.Copy !req
277. From the...? There's no glare.Copy !req
278. Well, not now. But mid-April?
Every morning. For almost 20 minutes.Copy !req
279. So you're gonna keep that huge
corner office empty the other...Copy !req
280. - Ninety-gazillion percent of the time.
- Just because the glare is annoying?Copy !req
281. Well, semi-annoying.Copy !req
282. Okay, you're meeting Schmeck
at that café across the street.Copy !req
283. - And, uh, why do you have that? Exactly?
- You never know what's gonna happen.Copy !req
284. Yeah, two people all alone together,
down here in South Beach.Copy !req
285. - I'd rather have it and not need it...
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
286. - Than need it and not have it.
- Ah. Uh-huh.Copy !req
287. Kind of like a condom.
Which happened last weekend.Copy !req
288. - Oh, my...! Ugh!
- Damn, man, I was kidding!Copy !req
289. - Look, if you're too nervous...
- I'm fine, all right?Copy !req
290. Just let me rinse off my mustache.Copy !req
291. You are more handsome in your photos.Copy !req
292. Oh, yeah, talk to me about handsome.Copy !req
293. And you have no trace of Cuban accent.Copy !req
294. Yeah, it's called tradecraft, genius.Copy !req
295. - I blend.
- Just shut up and get the plans.Copy !req
296. - You shut up and get the plans.
- What?Copy !req
297. I mean, give me those plans now.
Give me those plans.Copy !req
298. You may have them once I confirm
the balance in my Swiss account.Copy !req
299. - Tell him not to bother.
- What?Copy !req
300. Wait, what are we doing?Copy !req
301. - Conway! What the shit, man?
- What? Schmeck was a traitor.Copy !req
302. Yeah, now he's all over
my 400 dollar custom shirt.Copy !req
303. I'll buy you a new one.
Now grab the plans before it's too late.Copy !req
304. - It's already too late.
- Ha, ha! Yes it is, now hand over...Copy !req
305. Because it's already
soaked into the fibers, dumb-ass.Copy !req
306. This is linen!Copy !req
307. And that is a Cuban hit squad.Copy !req
308. And you might want to duck.Copy !req
309. Oh, my God. Conway!Copy !req
310. - That was amazing!
- Yeah, well, you know.Copy !req
311. No, seriously, that was like...Copy !req
312. - That was like, uh...
- A Charles Whitman Sampler?Copy !req
313. Damn it, yes. Seriously, thanks.Copy !req
314. Oh, don't thank me yet.Copy !req
315. What, Conway? No!Copy !req
316. - Now you can thank me.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
317. You saved my life twice.Copy !req
318. You'd have done the same for me.Copy !req
319. - No, I wouldn't have.
- Ha, ha.Copy !req
320. I was actually kind of
planning to kill you.Copy !req
321. - Wait, what?
- I know, now I'm totally embarrassed.Copy !req
322. Hey, you know what?
Water under the bridge, dude.Copy !req
323. - Come over here, let's man-hug it.
- All right. Okay. Um...Copy !req
324. I mean, after all we are going to be family.
Once I marry your Mom.Copy !req
325. - What?
- I'm kidding. God, relax, man.Copy !req
326. Because for a second there, I was like...
I mean, not in a racist way, but...Copy !req
327. - Conway?
- Yeah, buddy.Copy !req
328. - Uh, are there more bad guys behind me?
- Nope.Copy !req
329. You dick.Copy !req
330. You dumb-ass. I set this whole thing up.Copy !req
331. I just needed a stand-in
for those broke-ass Cubans.Copy !req
332. - Yeah, I get it.
- I mean, come on!Copy !req
333. The Chinese'll pay five times
as much for the Whisper Drive.Copy !req
334. And once they do? Let's just say you better
learn to use some chopsticks, buddy.Copy !req
335. Conway, wait.
Just answer me one question.Copy !req
336. Yeah, make it quick. My ride is here.Copy !req
337. - And your lungs are filling up with blood.
- Did you have sex with my mother?Copy !req
338. Wait, what?
That is your only question?Copy !req
339. Not who am I,
not how did I infiltrate ISIS...Copy !req
340. - or who the hell is flying the helicopter?
- Just answer the question!Copy !req
341. No, Archer,
I didn't have sex with your mom.Copy !req
342. - Oh, thank God.
- Oh, and that?Copy !req
343. That would have been a though image
to get out of my head.Copy !req
344. That, right there?
That kind of racism...Copy !req
345. is exactly why I can't wait to see tiny
little Chinese boots...Copy !req
346. on your white-ass necks.Copy !req
347. Which may sound hypocritical,
I know, but...Copy !req
348. Would you go?Copy !req
349. - Aah! What the...?
- Sorry, Conway.Copy !req
350. - Oh, wait, shit, I had something for this.
- Aah.Copy !req
351. Is it something like, uh,
"You don't get off the hook that easy"?Copy !req
352. - Damn it.
- Yeah, he's good at those.Copy !req
353. - Well, crawl on over there and blow him.
- Hey, come on.Copy !req
354. - Now, drop the case, Conway!
- It's cuffed on, woman.Copy !req
355. Aah! And how the hell are your hands
that freaking strong...?Copy !req
356. Ew.Copy !req
357. You haven't seen the last of Conway Stern!Copy !req
358. Which is not my real name!Copy !req
359. - Uh, so let me guess.
- Yeah.Copy !req
360. Whoever he is, he ghosted an ID file
onto our worldwide database.Copy !req
361. Yeah. Which you probably found
while researching me.Copy !req
362. Lana, because you're in the, uh...Copy !req
363. Danger Zone.Copy !req
364. And those were his last words.Copy !req
365. Right before he bled to death on the rug.Copy !req
366. Which rug? Oh, good.
I thought you meant in the bedroom.Copy !req
367. No, that one is just jute. Exactly.Copy !req
368. Guests come in from the beach,
they're all sandy or whatever, and...Copy !req
369. Suspension? Lana, dear,
you are getting a bonus. My God!Copy !req
370. You foiled that perfidious Conway,
saved Sterling's...Copy !req
371. All right, just pull the knife out.Copy !req
372. And then slap Saran Wrap on the hole.Copy !req
373. Oh! But leave me enough
to make guacamole.Copy !req
374. No, you squeeze lemon juice over it, then
smush the Saran Wrap right down on top.Copy !req
375. That way it doesn't go brown.
Oh, let the paramedics do that.Copy !req
376. You just have fun, dear. Mm-hm. Bye.Copy !req
377. Oh, damn. Now I bet she's going to
squeeze up all my brand new lemons.Copy !req
378. And I'll have nothing left
to remind me of Conway.Copy !req
379. - Except his little mocha love child.
- His what?Copy !req
380. - Yeah.
- You had sex with Conway?Copy !req
381. Yeah, and he totally impregnated me.Copy !req
382. Wait, he was only here two days.Copy !req
383. How is that pregnancy test
showing positive?Copy !req
384. Oh, this is just a detergent pen.
I just put a little blue sticker on it.Copy !req