1. And that's your message? My God.Copy !req
2. Who...? Who's there? What do you want?Copy !req
3. Because all you're gonna get is holes.
I... I mean, holes in you...Copy !req
4. not my... Hah! Sterling?Copy !req
5. - Hello, Mother.
- Where the hell have you been?Copy !req
6. - I don't know.
- What...? And why do you have a cleaver?Copy !req
7. "Interoffice fraternization
of an intimate nature..."Copy !req
8. is prohibited to include
but not limited to...Copy !req
9. trysts, assignations..."
What's this even mean?Copy !req
10. It means no more banging coworkers.Copy !req
11. Oh, so it doesn't affect you.Copy !req
12. Mee-hee. Oh, wait, guess what.Copy !req
13. Ow! Hey, this isn't my fault.Copy !req
14. It's exactly your fault, idiot. When
Mother found out you cheated on Lana...Copy !req
15. - Hey, you cheated on Lana plenty.
- Yeah, but with starlets, models.Copy !req
16. Oh, and one time, two actual princesses.Copy !req
17. - Two at the same time?
- Yeah, they were sisters.Copy !req
18. - Sploosh.
- Cyril, you threw Lana away on chicks like...Copy !req
19. - Like Carol.
- It's Cheryl.Copy !req
20. - Exactly, back me up here.
- You slept with her too.Copy !req
21. When I was bored. Like, stuck at home
waiting for the cable guy, or... Oh, hey.Copy !req
22. What are you doing Thursday
between 9 and noon?Copy !req
23. - Ugh.
- One and 4?Copy !req
24. I'll be doing one of your co-workers.Copy !req
25. Well, do it before quitting time Friday.Copy !req
26. - Why'd Ms. Archer give us until Friday...?
- I did that.Copy !req
27. Somebody in this building
is gonna have sex with me.Copy !req
28. Yeah? You think
between now and Friday...Copy !req
29. - you can score some roofies?
- Heh-heh-heh.Copy !req
30. Uh-uh. Pam? I will end you.Copy !req
31. Ow!Copy !req
32. Where the hell is my staple gun?Copy !req
33. I think I saw Cyril with it.Copy !req
34. - He went through my desk?
- I guess. I mean he said he did.Copy !req
35. I don't know why I'm surprised.
I mean, can you believe him?Copy !req
36. - Cheating on Lana?
- Baffling.Copy !req
37. Said the kettle. Which is why
I started that new policy.Copy !req
38. - Yeah?
- You idiots run around here...Copy !req
39. like it's spring break on South Padre.Copy !req
40. - Just sex, sex, sex...
- Sexy-sexy, eh?Copy !req
41. - Nikolai?
- Is from Frederick's of Latvia.Copy !req
42. - Mother? What?
- Oh, hello, son.Copy !req
43. - Nikolai.
- Why did he call me "son?"Copy !req
44. - What is this?
- You mean...Copy !req
45. besides incredibly awkward?Copy !req
46. No, I think "incredibly awkward"
just about sums it up.Copy !req
47. What? Mother!Copy !req
48. Nikolai, could I call you back?Copy !req
49. I will be here maybe in one hour...Copy !req
50. - then I'll try to hit gym, so...
- The gym. That'll be the day.Copy !req
51. Are you out of your mind?Copy !req
52. I must be. Because it looks
like you just destroyed...Copy !req
53. my Steuben bar set.Copy !req
54. - Well, you just destroyed my innocence.
- Oh, please, that Brazilian au pair...Copy !req
55. - did that when you were 13.
- 12. And why does Nikolai Jakov...Copy !req
56. the head of the KGB,
have a direct line to your office?Copy !req
57. Well, you know, from time to time...
What...? No.Copy !req
58. Just leave that,
you'll cut yourself. Sterling.Copy !req
59. Why did he just call me son?Copy !req
60. - That's often a figure of speech.
- Yeah? How often?Copy !req
61. Very often. Just not in this case.Copy !req
62. I know... Uh...Copy !req
63. What?Copy !req
64. Terrific. Two Steuben
glasses left and you break one.Copy !req
65. I'm sorry, Krieger, but it's over.Copy !req
66. So here's all your Creedence
Clearwater albums back.Copy !req
67. - Now a sad moon is on the rise.
- I know, devastating.Copy !req
68. But it's not you,
it's your weak, womanny hands.Copy !req
69. - They're not...
- It's like being choked by a child.Copy !req
70. Which I thought would be hot, but...Copy !req
71. - Wait, no, I'll take steroids.
- I can't wait. I need a man now...Copy !req
72. - with monster-hands.
- Oh, like Lana ha... Hey, you.Copy !req
73. You know, the whole
"monster-hands" thing?Copy !req
74. Starting to border on mean.Copy !req
75. Oh, you gonna run cry to Ms. Archer,
like when Cyril cheated on you?Copy !req
76. - Hello.
- Ooh-la-la.Copy !req
77. Well, at least my ex-boyfriend isn't
a noose I made out of extension cord.Copy !req
78. Guess what. She wasn't
the only one Cyril cheated with.Copy !req
79. - And what is that supposed to mean?
- Figure it out, Truckasaurus.Copy !req
80. Oh, that gives me an idea.Copy !req
81. But I already have a father.
His name was John Fitzgerald Archer.Copy !req
82. He was a fighter ace,
and he won the Navy Cross.Copy !req
83. - And his men called him...
- "Black Jack" Archer.Copy !req
84. I know, dear, I know,
because I made it all up.Copy !req
85. But the military funeral.Copy !req
86. - Ready. Aim.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
87. - If we miss that train I will go blind.
- Fire.Copy !req
88. But the 21 gun salute.Copy !req
89. I donated 600 bucks
to a Junior ROTC team up in Yonkers.Copy !req
90. Which they used to go
to a competition in Albany...Copy !req
91. where they won third place.
So a lot of good came out of that.Copy !req
92. - So all's well that ends well?
- What was I to do?Copy !req
93. Tell a 3-year-old
his father might be in the KGB?Copy !req
94. What? What do you mean might be?Copy !req
95. So there may or may not be
a few other possibles...Copy !req
96. in the mix.Copy !req
97. What?Copy !req
98. Seriously? You cheated on me with Carol?Copy !req
99. - Cheryl.
- Exactly.Copy !req
100. - And I can explain that.
- Well if you'd let me.Copy !req
101. Yeah, tell me.
How my father might be Nikolai Jakov...Copy !req
102. head of the KGB
or Len Trexler, head of ODIN!Copy !req
103. - Well...
- I assume those are my only choices?Copy !req
104. Oh, my... Who else?Copy !req
105. - Gene Krupa. No, wait.
- What? The drummer?Copy !req
106. Not Krupa, the other one, with the teeth.Copy !req
107. - Buddy Rich.
- Oh, my...Copy !req
108. - I could never say no to a drummer.
- Could you say no to anybody?Copy !req
109. I said no to plenty.Copy !req
110. - No. No.
- Yes. Have sex with me. Please.Copy !req
111. - No.
- Oh, come on.Copy !req
112. - Nobody would ever know.
- Pam? Yeah.Copy !req
113. - I'd know.
- No.Copy !req
114. - Let me talk to him.
- No. No.Copy !req
115. Nikolai, he's not even here.
He stormed out, thanks to you.Copy !req
116. But I could talk sense into him.
After all, I am his father.Copy !req
117. Oh. So...Copy !req
118. Len Trexler or Buddy Rich?Copy !req
119. - Get me that crazy German. Now.
- Ow! Ow!Copy !req
120. - Hostile work environment.
- Shut up.Copy !req
121. We are going to kidnap
Agent Sterling Archer.Copy !req
122. Oh, yeah? Then what,
you hurt his feelings?Copy !req
123. Then we put new mind-control
microchip into his brain.Copy !req
124. We use its remote-control capability...Copy !req
125. to bring him here, make the papa test.Copy !req
126. And if I am Archer's father...Copy !req
127. I turn him against his own mother,
as Soviet agent.Copy !req
128. Make him a, how you say, vole.Copy !req
129. - I think you mean mole. Mole.
- Huh?Copy !req
130. Vole is also rodent,
but more closer related to lemming.Copy !req
131. Come on, buddy.Copy !req
132. Can't you read, ass-douche? You're not
supposed to be here without a kid.Copy !req
133. As it happens, I am here with a child.Copy !req
134. Mani, can we have
more money for the sweets?Copy !req
135. What? That's not even a real baby.Copy !req
136. And that is? I thought you were
off to the fair with your prize turnip.Copy !req
137. - A tur...? Listen, you kraut puke.
- Hello.Copy !req
138. Oh, yeah. You should go.Copy !req
139. You're lucky his father's not here.Copy !req
140. He knows krav maga,
he'll kick your balls through your hat...Copy !req
141. - you Nazi shit ass.
- Mani, these people.Copy !req
142. Well, you wanted him to grow
up in the city.Copy !req
143. Nein, major, not you. Yeah, listening.Copy !req
144. And after you take Archer to the...Copy !req
145. KGB safehouse on Gansevoort...Copy !req
146. you will implant the microchip...Copy !req
147. - into his brain.
- Got it.Copy !req
148. Yeah, seriously.
Okay, Uta, we have a job, so...Copy !req
149. Where is the diaper bag?Copy !req
150. - I forgot where I put it.
- Huge surprise.Copy !req
151. - Ow! Ow!
- Idiot. What is wrong with you?Copy !req
152. And just who the happy hell...Copy !req
153. do you think you are,
hanging up on me?Copy !req
154. Oh, you gonna tell
your boyfriend, Len Trexler?Copy !req
155. - Or maybe Gene Krupa?
- It was the other one.Copy !req
156. Maybe. Or you, maybe, or...Copy !req
157. Whoever it was, he wasn't there to raise
Sterling, so I don't need him butting in now.Copy !req
158. - We'll see. Nothing.
- What?Copy !req
159. Nikolai, what are you scheming at?Copy !req
160. - Nothing.
- Again he hangs up on me.Copy !req
161. And there goes the last Steuben.Copy !req
162. - Sploosh. That's what I'm talking about.
- Yup, yup, yup.Copy !req
163. Wait, you think it's safe?Copy !req
164. No.Copy !req
165. Okay, we got the French chick,
and Carol...Copy !req
166. - and anybody else, Rambone?
- No.Copy !req
167. Hi, Cyril.Copy !req
168. - Well. Um...
- Scatterbrain Jane? Really?Copy !req
169. Well, say she had just been
diagnosed with breast cancer.Copy !req
170. Oh, right. I forgot,
your dick's full of radiation...Copy !req
171. and mastectomy coupons.Copy !req
172. Boy, you are just so determined
not to be cool about this.Copy !req
173. - Yup. Anybody else?
- Um...Copy !req
174. Ms. Archer, you're trying to seduce me.Copy !req
175. Aren't you?Copy !req
176. - Nope, no, no one.
- Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
177. - Okay, get out.
- Of my own office?Copy !req
178. - Yup.
- Why?Copy !req
179. Oh, you don't wanna be here...Copy !req
180. when I bang every last dude
in the building.Copy !req
181. - What?
- Here on your blotter.Copy !req
182. - No!
- Yup!Copy !req
183. - You can't do that.
- Really? Is it Opposite Day already?Copy !req
184. Uh... Attention? Hi, this is Agent Kane...Copy !req
185. and if you wanna have
ball-slappy sex with me on Cyril's desk...Copy !req
186. please line up and take a number.Copy !req
187. You heard the lady. Take a number.Copy !req
188. Eighty-sixed? Uh-uh.
You don't eighty-six me.Copy !req
189. Because my dad won the Navy Cross.Copy !req
190. - Here's the door.
- Help. Please help me.Copy !req
191. My baby. He swallowed something,
he's choking.Copy !req
192. Oh, who gives a shit about a baby?Copy !req
193. Who would want to raise a child here?Copy !req
194. - Well, that was a huge waste of time.
- I said don't take your clothes off.Copy !req
195. - Well. Well!
- Begged, even. Okay, this is good to go.Copy !req
196. - So was this.
- So let's get number two in here.Copy !req
197. - You really think this is gonna work?
- Pam, look at me.Copy !req
198. Yeah... Sploosh.Copy !req
199. - Now serving number two.
- I'm two.Copy !req
200. - That's me! Move, dude.
- Animals.Copy !req
201. - You're all just animals.
- Lying in wait at the watering hole...Copy !req
202. taut buttocks all aquiver,
just aching to pounce...Copy !req
203. on the supple brown flesh
of your woman.Copy !req
204. - Shut up.
- They're gonna mess her up.Copy !req
205. - Why are you even here?
- Hello.Copy !req
206. - But you're gay.
- Girl, please. Nobody's that gay.Copy !req
207. - Wait, what?
- What, what?Copy !req
208. What part of you pay me 600 dollars
do you not get?Copy !req
209. The part where we don't have sex?Copy !req
210. You get to say we did.Copy !req
211. Which is, like,
half the reason men have sex.Copy !req
212. But that's a lot of money.Copy !req
213. - Not compared to rotator cuff surgery.
- What?Copy !req
214. Which you're gonna need
after the jillion high-fives...Copy !req
215. you give your little bros.Copy !req
216. - Okay, I'm in.
- But first guy you tell is Cyril.Copy !req
217. - And make up the sickest...
- Yeah, shut up, do you take plastic?Copy !req
218. - Five percent discount for cash.
- I thought it was ten.Copy !req
219. Oh, oh, oh, I can't wet my beak?Copy !req
220. Hey, seriously, kidnappers...Copy !req
221. super not in the mood for this right now.Copy !req
222. Or that. What is that?Copy !req
223. Is that a drill?Copy !req
224. - Okay, so.
- I don't want that.Copy !req
225. - I make a klein hole in his skull with this.
- Just shut that off.Copy !req
226. - Then into the hole I smoosh this.
- What is that?Copy !req
227. And then they can control his brain.Copy !req
228. But is Soviet technology...Copy !req
229. - so it's a crapshoot.
- This is amazing, no?Copy !req
230. What is amazing is we just
ran into him on the street.Copy !req
231. - It's a huge city.
- Hey. Hey! Proposition.Copy !req
232. First person to untie me, guy or gal...Copy !req
233. - I will let him or her give me a handy.
- Ugh.Copy !req
234. - Let's share the milk of human kindness.
- What an asshole.Copy !req
235. - Don't worry, your time is coming.
- Wait, by time do you mean me?Copy !req
236. And by "don't worry", do you mean
the chick's gonna be doing the handy?Copy !req
237. And either way,
can we do it without that thing?Copy !req
238. Hey, seriously.Copy !req
239. Give me a hanjo.Copy !req
240. It doesn't work.Copy !req
241. I drill hole in head of man
who maybe is my son.Copy !req
242. Put chip in his brain...Copy !req
243. and now you tell me it doesn't work.Copy !req
244. You should have asked me before, you...Copy !req
245. See, in testing we have
had teensy problem...Copy !req
246. with signal from satellite.Copy !req
247. When it is in small
window just over the target...Copy !req
248. it can signal the chip.Copy !req
249. But when it exits this window.Copy !req
250. - Ahh.
- This problem does not sound teensy!Copy !req
251. It is compared to the problem we had...Copy !req
252. with interference from cell phones.Copy !req
253. Which in lab sent test subjects
into ferocious homicidal rages.Copy !req
254. So obviously we need to tweak it.Copy !req
255. Damn that crazy, jealous Russian.Copy !req
256. Bet he's hatching some half-assed,
vodka-soaked scheme to...Copy !req
257. - Hello? Ha!
- Sterling? Sterling, listen very... Wha...?Copy !req
258. Voicemail. You know what to do.Copy !req
259. - We're sorry.
- Damn it.Copy !req
260. Carol? Carol.Copy !req
261. And just where the hell is she?Copy !req
262. - Oh, God, sorry. Sorry.
- Ahh...Copy !req
263. - What are you doing?
- I thought you said start slacking off.Copy !req
264. Not slacking off.Copy !req
265. Dude, swear to God.
She gave me a Jane Hathaway.Copy !req
266. Right on my chest. My man
knows what I'm talking about.Copy !req
267. Doesn't anyone work around here?
And Cyril...Copy !req
268. I am so disgusted with you right now
I just wanna vomit.Copy !req
269. That's exactly what I said to Lana.Copy !req
270. Thirty-seven. Thirty-seven.Copy !req
271. Ooh.Copy !req
272. - Uh... Move.
- Ugh.Copy !req
273. Just get it done by Friday.Copy !req
274. Oh, come on Sterling, pick up, pick...Copy !req
275. Sterling? Sterling?
What's wrong, are you in...?Copy !req
276. Ha. Alternate voicemail.Copy !req
277. - You know what to do, stupid.
- We're sorry...Copy !req
278. I'm done. He's dead to me.Copy !req
279. Mother.Copy !req
280. Kill Mother.Copy !req
281. Oh, my God, I'm exhausted.Copy !req
282. Whereas I am merely confused.Copy !req
283. If you told every guy the same thing...Copy !req
284. then they all know that none
of them had sex with you.Copy !req
285. - They're all gonna realize they're all lying.
- Hey, yeah.Copy !req
286. - Wait a minute.
- But remember, they're dudes.Copy !req
287. - What?
- Um...Copy !req
288. - I had sex with Lana.
- Me too.Copy !req
289. - Lana Kane, you magnificent bastard.
- Mwah.Copy !req
290. - I just hope Cyril don't, like, snap.
- Cyril? Snap?Copy !req
291. - Snap.
- Girl, please.Copy !req
292. Seven, six, two, millimeter...Copy !req
293. full metal jacket...Copy !req
294. Someone's in here.Copy !req
295. Holy shit snacks.
You made over 20 grand.Copy !req
296. Minus my sixty bucks.Copy !req
297. Plus Cyril's broken heart.
Not too shabs, Pam.Copy !req
298. Are you kidding? 36 guys?Copy !req
299. It's like Schindler's List up in here.Copy !req
300. - Pam!
- And I'm like that little Gandhi dude.Copy !req
301. - Pam.
- Helping out with the books, and...Copy !req
302. Inappropriate analogies?
What the hell is wrong with you?Copy !req
303. Nothing. I'm a desirable...Copy !req
304. full-bodied woman
but nobody will have sex with me.Copy !req
305. And I have so much love to give.Copy !req
306. - Get on the desk.
- Really?Copy !req
307. Yeah, come on. Before I change my mind.Copy !req
308. - But you cannot say a word.
- I won't tell anybody.Copy !req
309. No, honey, I mean during.Copy !req
310. Cause I'm gonna pretend
you're Alex Karras.Copy !req
311. And that's your message?
My God, who...?Copy !req
312. Who's there? What do you want?Copy !req
313. Because all you're gonna get
is holes. I... I mean holes in you...Copy !req
314. not my... Hah!Copy !req
315. - Sterling?
- Hello, Mother.Copy !req
316. Where the hell have you been?Copy !req
317. - I don't know.
- And why do you have a cleaver?Copy !req
318. - I don't know.
- Well, you're safe now. So get out.Copy !req
319. - I'm hungry.
- So lick that coat. You smell like a...Copy !req
320. - Grilled cheese.
- What?Copy !req
321. - Grill me a cheese.
- I'm not grilling you a cheese.Copy !req
322. Oh, for God's sake.Copy !req
323. Waltz in here,
dressed like some sort of cattle-rapist.Copy !req
324. Waving a cleaver and reeking
of what I hope to God is meat.Copy !req
325. And that's all you have to say?Copy !req
326. - I don't know.
- I was worried sick. Called you twice...Copy !req
327. came this close to leaving...Copy !req
328. And why doesn't your voicemail just say,
"Leave a message, I'm a jackass"?Copy !req
329. - I don't know.
- I don't know. I don't know.Copy !req
330. What is wrong with you?Copy !req
331. My head hurts. And I have no father.Copy !req
332. Sterling, of course you have a father.Copy !req
333. - Just maybe not the one you wanted.
- And you...Copy !req
334. And me neither. Because even though
that whole weekend...Copy !req
335. is just a big jazzy blur,
I'm pretty sure it wasn't Buddy.Copy !req
336. - And all these years, you lied to me.
- Sterling, I was protecting you.Copy !req
337. From what, this sandwich?Copy !req
338. - This is Swiss, Mother!
- Because that's all I had. You ass.Copy !req
339. - Just like I'm all that you have.
- Well, I hate it. And I hate you.Copy !req
340. Sterling Malory Archer, you will eat...Copy !req
341. every last crumb of that sandwich.Copy !req
342. - No.
- Then get out. I'll call you a cab.Copy !req
343. Sterling, stop that this instant.Copy !req
344. - Kill Mother.
- Waah!Copy !req
345. Ah. Kill Mother.Copy !req
346. Police, police, have to call the...
Waah!Copy !req
347. Déja vu, huh? I'm having a nightmare
and you lock me out of your bedroom?Copy !req
348. - Sterling, no, stay back.
- Only this time, you'll be crying for help.Copy !req
349. - Sterling!
- And I'll be the one drinking...Copy !req
350. - and laughing in there with Uncle Buddy!
- Sterling, I'm warning you.Copy !req
351. Sterling!Copy !req
352. Sterling?Copy !req
353. Sterling. Sterling!Copy !req
354. What? God.Copy !req
355. Well, whose fault is that?
Waving a cleaver, screaming in Russian?Copy !req
356. - I'm sorry.
- Ass.Copy !req
357. Seriously, I don't know
what's going on with my head.Copy !req
358. Filthy coat, can't tell what's
cow's blood and what's yours.Copy !req
359. The wet blood, Mother, is mine.Copy !req
360. - And it's ruining my brand-new linens.
- Sorry.Copy !req
361. - This is why I can't have nice things.
- Why, because you shoot them?Copy !req
362. Serves you right.
You nearly scared me to death.Copy !req
363. Well, you obviously weren't
that scared, judging by your grouping.Copy !req
364. - Uhn.
- Hah. Guess the old gal's still got it.Copy !req
365. - All six, right in the ten ring.
- Hooray.Copy !req
366. Just like I taught you.
Without any help from...Copy !req
367. - whoever your father is.
- Yeah, you were always there for me.Copy !req
368. - Which I never really thank you for.
- Sterling, I don't need thanks.Copy !req
369. That's what makes me
such a wonderful mother.Copy !req
370. - Ha-ha. Are you kidding?
- Don't be shitty.Copy !req
371. - Can't we just enjoy the moment?
- Yeah, how could we not?Copy !req
372. Ass.Copy !req