Archer 14x8

1. Uh, name?

2. Oh, my God.

3. Well, that's a grim way to start the morning.

4. With coffee? Seems normal.

5. With watching an assassination.

6. Technically, we don't know that it was an assassination.

7. A drone shot a man in the head!

8. Which makes it an execution, Cyril.

9. It's only an assassination if he was famous.

10. Connor Fairchild, former low-level

11. security guard at IIA.

12. Ugh, he was always rude to me.

13. Well, who can't come in the commissary

14. without their badge now, Mr. Connor?

15. Is that too dark?

16. Connor is one of a dozen former IIA employees

17. to be killed by drones in the last 24 hours.

18. My memory is a little hazy—

19. Probably from all the concussions.

20. - And drinking. - And elderly dementia.

21. My memory is a little hazy, but didn't we beat IIA?

22. Yes, the organization was dismantled.

23. But until now, most of the employees

24. survived, including us.

25. Technically, I was never an employee.

26. I always fill out my start paperwork incorrectly

27. so I don't have to pay taxes.

28. You know that's not how taxes work, right?

29. All I know is, I haven't paid taxes in 20 years

30. or gone to the dentist.

31. My point is, someone has a grudge

32. against ex-IIA employees.

33. We need to figure out who that is and stop them.

34. And until then, we keep our heads on a swivel.

35. - Hmm. - Hmm?

36. Okay, don't shoot the messenger.

37. That's the drone's job.

38. But while I was secretly temping at IIA—

39. - Double agent. - Bless you.

40. Fabian asked me to place an order for, let's call it,

41. 5,000 weaponized smart drones.

42. What?

43. We don't know that it's related.

44. But y'all, it's probably related.

45. Oh, my God, I do not have time for this.

46. The UN is holding hearings today on private spy agencies,

47. and I've gotta make a presentation

48. about all the good work that we've done.

49. Ooh, I wouldn't show them these videos.

50. We need to make sure there are no new videos.

51. And it seems like there's only one person

52. who can help us sort this out.

53. The dead barista?

54. Well, well, well, look what the cat vomited up.

55. Um, that's not how that goes.

56. Idiot.

57. Sterling Archer. You look old.

58. And you look imprisoned.

59. Is that a squash court?

60. - What kind of prison is this? - Uh, Swiss.

61. Remind me to get imprisoned for war crimes in Switzerland.

62. I mean, if I commit war crimes, which I won't.

63. Can we make this fast?

64. We can only reserve the courts for an hour.

65. I don't believe we've met.

66. Zara Khan, formerly Interpol, currently top agent

67. - at the Agency. - What? Says who?

68. My achievements, dumb-ass.

69. Can we focus?

70. Any reason why drones might be murdering

71. everybody who worked for IIA?

72. What? Oh, no-fault severance.

73. Should I punch you before or after

74. you explain what that means?

75. At IIA, whenever we needed to cut ties

76. with a troublesome employee,

77. we'd check a little box in their file

78. called "no-fault severance."

79. And pop, out flew a drone.

80. Whatever second-rate government bureaucrat

81. that's now liquidating IIA must—

82. - ow! - I got tired of waiting.

83. But also, how do we turn them off?

84. You can't.

85. The drones are controlled by an automated

86. facility in Liechtenstein.

87. And I'm the only one with access.

88. Great, you're coming with us.

89. One, not your call. Two, no, he's not.

90. Three, what achievements, Zara?

91. I'm afraid you won't get past

92. the fingerprint scanner without me.

93. We will if I cut off your hand.

94. Well, there's also a retinal scanner.

95. And your eye.

96. And the voice identification—

97. And your vocal chords.

98. At a certain point, bringing him seems easier

99. than bringing all these pieces.

100. We'll put them in a bag.

101. I'm happy to help without being dismembered.

102. As a former IIA employee, I'm a drone target myself.

103. And I'd prefer to enjoy my daily bike ride

104. without being gunned down from the sky.

105. Daily bike ride?

106. How the hell is your prison life better than my free life?

107. We still have to break him out.

108. This is a Swiss prison.

109. Anyone with Interpol ID can sign me out for the weekend.

110. Well, God bless Swiss prisons.

111. Best in the world.

112. They really focus on rehabilitating

113. the whole person, you know?

114. - What is this? - Insurance.

115. This stays on until you're back in prison.

116. The whole mission? What if you gotta take a leak?

117. - We'll hold it. - A wise precaution.

118. But will it be enough?

119. Even now, an army of IIA loyalists

120. is no doubt working to secure my freedom.

121. Hmm. In that case...

122. I immediately have to pee.

123. Damn it, window seat.

124. - Pam, go across the aisle. - No!

125. I'm not taking the window seat

126. with killer drones on the loose.

127. Also, I still have to pee.

128. Maybe you should have thought about this

129. before you handcuffed yourself to two people?

130. Don't tell me what I should have thought of.

131. But yeah, maybe.

132. If it's any consolation, we won't be on the train long.

133. You seriously think people are coming to help you?

134. Why wouldn't they?

135. Yeah, you know, you weren't

136. the world's greatest boss,

137. what with ratting out a lot of people on your way to prison,

138. and now sending drones to kill 'em.

139. Yeah, not great.

140. The board sent those drones.

141. And I only ratted as necessary.

142. You can fight about it while I'm in the john.

143. - Where's the handcuff key? - Oh, I don't have one.

144. What, why?

145. I'm committing to the method, Pam.

146. The first thing a rescuer will ask for is a handcuff key.

147. - Or a bone saw. - No one carries those around.

148. Fine, I guess we're all going to the bathroom.

149. Oh, God, no.

150. I'm not happy about it, either.

151. Hey, order us drinks— lots of drinks.

152. Ooh, what looks good?

153. Ugh, I really don't care.

154. Well, I do.

155. It's my first time talking to the United Nations.

156. Or-or is it before the United Nations?

157. Do we address the nations? Oh, my God. Lana!

158. Just let me do the talking, okay?

159. And relax, all right?

160. The UN never actually does anything.

161. I mean, these people are total idiots.

162. Do you need to turn this on or—

163. It's already on.

164. Hello, nations.

165. Nope, that feels wrong.

166. I'm trying my best, you dicks.

167. I don't think these bathrooms were designed

168. for three people handcuffed together.

169. And I don't think sarcasm makes this process faster.

170. Are you done?

171. - Haven't even started yet. - What?

172. Tell this guy to stop peeking through the cracks!

173. I can't help where my head is based on where my arms are.

174. Whatever you're doing in there,

175. I promise there's an easier way.

176. How's this way?

177. Huh, are we slowing down?

178. Yes, it's the end of the line.

179. Carlotta, my loyal number two,

180. come to my unnecessary but grateful res—

181. - Someone's in here! - We gotta get out of here!

182. After Pamela washes her hands.

183. I didn't touch anything.

184. Carlotta, watch your fire.

185. She's shooting at you, moron. Come on.

186. - what's the problem? - I'm not leaving.

187. You got three seconds, asshole.

188. And I'm shooting your elbow in one.

189. Okay, okay. Carlotta, they're trying to—

190. - You're welcome. - For what?

191. - For rescuing you. - They were rescuing me.

192. What? They were trying to kill you.

193. Says the man who pulled me out of a moving train.

194. Well, you're alive, aren't you?

195. Guys, I don't think this tree is...

196. Nope, it's not.

197. They were obviously trying to assassinate you.

198. What possible reason would my employees have to kill me?

199. I think we're clear for now.

200. Uh, how about, you made their lives miserable

201. and they hate you?

202. The brightest emerald is forged in the hardest granite.

203. Hey, can we focus on the real problem?

204. Being lost in the woods?

205. Hmm, the ex-IIA hit squad coming for us?

206. - The drones? - Oh, right.

207. Yeah, and if that hit squad—

208. AKA rescue squad.

209. AKA, you're delusional.

210. If the hit squad kills Fabian,

211. he can't deactivate the drones,

212. and they'll kill all of us.

213. So by the transitive property,

214. you must keep me alive.

215. That's not the transitive property.

216. It's a contrapositive conditional.

217. Well, on the bright side, Ray and Zara

218. are probably already coming for us.

219. Oh, my God!

220. Look at those mountains.

221. Um, Zara?

222. The drinks on this train are free.

223. I got one for you, but then I drank it.

224. These are for me.

225. Hey, whenever y'all are done whispering

226. and pointing at shit, can you bring me a mimosa?

227. Um, where are they going?

228. To Liechtenstein!

229. We're walking to another country?

230. Unless you have a better idea.

231. Uh, yeah, let the drones kill us.

232. I have an even better idea.

233. I defeat you in unarmed combat

234. and reunite with my cadre of faithfuls.

235. Get your hand off my wrist.

236. I believe the parlance is, compel me, brother.

237. Can you not while I'm attached to you?

238. Any chance that's a totally unrelated drone?

239. I mean, some.

240. Run!

241. Can we please stop falling off things?

242. Oh, boy, they're coming.

243. Fabian, I hope you can hold your breath for three minutes

244. because that's how long I'm holding you underwater.

245. That won't work, I'm afraid.

246. These drones are top of the line.

247. They cannot be fooled by water or darkness or disguise.

248. They are relentless and unbamboozable.

249. Maybe use a less silly word for the drones

250. - coming to kill us. - Screw the words.

251. What do we do?

252. Make peace with the god you choose,

253. for the day of judgment is at hand.

254. We're alive!

255. Uh, although, I guess this could also be hell.

256. What just happened?

257. My guess, Ray bought shitty drones

258. that couldn't detect us through the mud.

259. But he spent the entire drone budget.

260. Oh, what they don't know

261. can't kill them won't kill them.

262. More daiquiri, Mr. Gillette?

263. What do you think, dummy?

264. Oi, more of these and these and some crisps, yeah?

265. For me and those snobs across the aisle

266. who clearly think they're better than me.

267. And how long does it take three people

268. handcuffed together to use the bathroom?

269. Um, this doesn't feel administrative.

270. Secretary General Hernandez, a pleasure, as always.

271. I wish I could say the same.

272. Yeah, what's the deal here, guys?

273. I thought this was basically a meet-and-greet.

274. This is a disciplinary hearing

275. to determine if independent spy agencies

276. will be allowed to continue operating on the global stage.

277. What? And you're telling me now?

278. I told your secretary.

279. Uh, I'm an office administrator.

280. Cheryl, what are you doing here?

281. I'm a surprise witness.

282. A surprise witness for what?

283. The United Nations.

284. We're in their house, silly.

285. So the surprise is against us?

286. Well, they offered me immunity.

287. Immunity from what?

288. We haven't done anything wrong.

289. - Well... - Nothing legally wrong.

290. Oh, my God, Lana, when someone offers you immunity,

291. you take it.

292. And all I had to do was tell him all the bad things

293. we ever did ever.

294. Shall we begin?

295. - No. - No?

296. No! You already had your chance

297. to pee on the train.

298. My chance to pee with the door open

299. that got interrupted by a gunfight.

300. More than some people get.

301. Do those people also have to hold it

302. while falling out of a moving train

303. and then slogging through a river covered in mud

304. that they can't clean off

305. or a cheap-ass drone will come and kill them?

306. I also have to pee.

307. Don't worry. You'll be peeing very soon.

308. Carlotta, thank goodness.

309. Tell my friends you're here to rescue me and then kill them.

310. Rescue? I'm here to kill you.

311. You, them?

312. You as in you, you pompous, abusive,

313. culturally ambiguous middle manager.

314. Middle manager?

315. I led the company!

316. That's what you got from that?

317. Jesus, this is why everyone hates you.

318. Carlotta, I assure you, I did my best.

319. Anything you disagreed with, that was the board.

320. There was no board!

321. You just made them up to have someone to blame

322. for all your bad choices.

323. Whoa, that's actually a good idea.

324. Technically, the board did exist for a week.

325. And then had them killed.

326. Tell them I say hello.

327. Wait, he's the only one who can stop the drones

328. that are coming to kill us all.

329. I'll take that risk.

330. - Ow! God damn it. - Sorry.

331. Take it down!

332. What the hell, Archer?

333. Sorry, it was instinct.

334. To save me?

335. God, no, to save the mission.

336. Um, guys, do I have as little mud on my face

337. as you do on yours?

338. How could I possibly make that comparison?

339. Go!

340. Okay, state your name for the record.

341. - Uh, pass. - What?

342. I just prefer not to.

343. - You understand. - I don't.

344. Well, the surprise witness is surprising the surprisers.

345. No one at the office is answering.

346. We are not ready for this.

347. Lana, our record speaks for itself.

348. We do good in the world.

349. And Cheryl is wearing them down.

350. State your name for the record!

351. Let's just move on to the evidence.

352. Can you confirm that this is the work of the Agency?

353. Yep. Uh-huh.

354. Uh, probably.

355. Yeah.

356. In our defense, that was full of hydrogen.

357. Oh, God, I was wrong about our record.

358. - We're monsters. - Can you not?

359. Not what?

360. Pam, can you not look at me while we're doing this?

361. You choose the handcuffs.

362. I chose where I look. Boi-oi-oing.

363. They all hate me.

364. After everything I did for them.

365. Okay.

366. On the bright side, we made it to Liechtenstein.

367. Pants up and never speak of this on three.

368. One, two, three.

369. Hey, I hear cars that way.

370. We can find a ride.

371. Seriously? We're almost there.

372. What are you doing, Fabian?

373. I'm giving up.

374. Let the drones take me.

375. For what is life without the respect of my peers?

376. Hey, bud, you have my respect.

377. I don't really care about that.

378. - You have my respect, Fabian. - Really?

379. Yeah, you know, I still hate you,

380. but you're a semi-worthy adversary.

381. I feel the same way.

382. In spite of everything, we're not so different.

383. No, I didn't say that. We're very, very different.

384. You handcuffed us together so we could bond.

385. Two lone wolves, learning to survive as a pack.

386. I'm coming around to death by drone.

387. Oh, shit, I hear something else coming around.

388. Ha, ha, found our ride.

389. You mean the guys that wanna kill us?

390. I have an idea.

391. You've been got—oh!

392. Oh, damn, dude, that just popped right off.

393. Why was his neck so weak?

394. More importantly, how are we all fitting on this thing?

395. - Hang on. - It's a short drive.

396. Yeah, it better be.

397. Oh, God, crows are pecking at the head.

398. I forgive you, friend.

399. Great, 'cause I'm about to do it again.

400. Champagne to go. I mean, who does that?

401. Switzerland does it.

402. Can you believe the others spent

403. the entire ride in the toilet?

404. I did until a second ago.

405. - We're close. - How close?

406. Time or distance?

407. Will we die before we get there?

408. That depends on one thing:

409. the intimacy of our friendship.

410. Can you not say stuff like that while we're penis to penis?

411. Just say nose to nose.

412. I was born to an Albanian seamstress.

413. It was a breech birth.

414. For my fifth birthday, I was gifted a kitten by my uncle

415. but gave it up upon discovering a mild allergy.

416. What the hell are you doing?

417. Bonding by sharing traumas.

418. You call those traumas? I never knew my father.

419. My mother started me drinking at eight to keep me quiet.

420. I lost my virginity and my dog to a Brazilian au pair.

421. My archrival killed and later dated my one true love.

422. Thank you for sharing. I see you.

423. I wasn't connecting.

424. I was one-upping.

425. Damn it, probably shouldn't have handcuffed my gun hand.

426. I can help. Give me a gun.

427. Better idea, I'll just shoot myself in the face

428. and cut out the middleman.

429. Sterling, trust me.

430. We're all about to die. Just give him the damn gun.

431. Ugh.

432. Bang, bang.

433. Just kidding, my friend.

434. I'm out.

435. - We're here. - Brake!

436. Oh, dear God.

437. What is happening with necks in this country?

438. We've got bigger problems.

439. Specifically, lots of smaller problems.

440. - Are those— - The good drones.

441. Well, if I have to die, I'm glad it's next to friends.

442. Stop making this something it's not.

443. Damn it, who buys a drone with knives?

444. The same person with two thumbs

445. and no more champagne— this guy.

446. I am still drunk from the train.

447. Get inside and deactivate these fuckers.

448. - Not cool. - Excuse me?

449. What are you doing?

450. Speaking truth to power.

451. And the truth is, this isn't cool.

452. You called us in here for an ambush.

453. Mr. Figgis, this is a fact-finding meeting.

454. Oh, yeah, with quorum of member states

455. as required to adopt a resolution,

456. per the UN rules of procedure?

457. That's what I thought. You're grandstanding.

458. You already know what you plan to do.

459. But guess what? We're the Agency.

460. We're used to ambushes and bad odds and terrible situations.

461. That's where we thrive—

462. because we're not just the front lines.

463. We're a step beyond that.

464. If we do our job right, there never is a front line.

465. So you can look at the screen and see our failures, sure.

466. What the?

467. But the world you're living in,

468. the world you're living in right now,

469. that is our success.

470. I tried. Your turn.

471. I don't have a gun.

472. You can't shoot me!

473. I never filled out my starting paperwork!

474. You're welcome.

475. What the hell happened?

476. The door only allows one person through at a time.

477. Getting pretty droney out here.

478. How do I deactivate the drones?

479. You can't, not without my handprint for the scanner.

480. We almost made it all the way, didn't we, friend?

481. I couldn't have made it this far without you.

482. But I've got it from here, friend.

483. Ow! What the shit?

484. Thanks for the hand, friend.

485. Protocol deactivated.

486. So how we all feeling?

487. Better than Fabian.

488. Can you believe he doesn't wanna be friends anymore?

489. - You cut off his hand. - For a good cause.

490. And I gave it back to him.

491. After you shot him the bird with it.

492. That was Zara's idea.

493. - And it was hilarious. - Thanks.

494. It's not my first dismemberment.

495. Going forward, no more cutting off hands

496. and taunting people with them.

497. The UN came after us today, but we really dodged a bullet

498. by saving them from bullets.

499. I just wanna say I was only siding

500. with the UN for immunity.

501. Yeah, you told us.

502. Oh, no. Uh, guys?

503. In light of recent events,

504. it is with overwhelming support

505. from our member nations that this council votes

506. to declare all private independent

507. spy agencies illegal.

508. They will be given 30 days to disband.

509. Is that 30 calendar days or business days?

510. God damn it.

511. Made in Georgia.