Archer 14x7

1. Brand-new computers,

2. top-of-the-line hacking capabilities,

3. high-def monitors,

4. simultaneous audio-visual communications,

5. and tracking field agents from location to pulse rate.

6. And this sends an electromagnetic pulse

7. to stop their heart.

8. No, it doesn't.

9. Ugh! Then why do we even have this thing?

10. Now, sure, this setup cost as much

11. as a small European village...

12. Ugh. I own way too many of those.

13. but this is how I can finally

14. have control over missions while they happen.

15. No more chaos, no more agents not listening,

16. because I'll be in their ear the entire time.

17. Pretending to be the ghost of their uncle

18. and slowly driving them mad!

19. Smart.

20. That's not what I'm doing here.

21. All I want is an end

22. to the insane collateral damage we cause

23. that eats up our profits

24. and makes us the butt of everyone's jokes.

25. Did you hear the one about

26. how we get sent on idiotproof missions...

27. but we just become better idiots?

28. Yeah! 'Cause I screamed it at you yesterday.

29. Right.

30. Wait that was you?

31. But all that changes now.

32. This mission goes perfectly, it'll show everyone

33. we are one of the best agencies in the world.

34. Six agents, three countries, one mission:

35. to shut down the international online black market Dragon Run.

36. Holy shit! It's online?

37. The Dragon Run system is programmed to delete itself

38. if any of the mainframes get hacked,

39. so our agents need to simultaneously

40. insert the malware drives,

41. which will upload the criminal data to our servers.

42. And, oh, man, that sweet Interpol bounty will be huge.

43. And I am the conductor of this perfect symphony.

44. At what point in that sentence did it get sexual for you?

45. Look, our agents may be out there,

46. but the real battlefield is in here,

47. where I face the dogs of chaos and bring them to heel.

48. Bring them to heel.

49. And I brought a giant party sub for everyone!

50. All right, everyone.

51. We'll be tracking you on your body cams to lead you

52. through each of your missions and get you

53. to your respective Dragon Run mainframes.

54. Make sure to keep comms open so—

55. What the hell is she doing?

56. Hello!

57. Lana? You saying something?

58. - Hello! - What is happening, Greg?

59. Sorry, you were on mute. But not anymore.

60. I think this equipment is so new

61. and we didn't really get any training.

62. Can team leaders confirm everything is ready?

63. All right. First, Team Ballsfor.

64. Oh, God, Pam, I'm not gonna say, "What's Ballsfor?"

65. For slappin' your chin, dummy!

66. I said I wasn't gonna say it!

67. Well, Team Ballsfor

68. is outside the warehouse and prepping.

69. Has my objection to team leader choice been noted?

70. Yes, I have your objection right here in my notes.

71. "Ray whines about some bullshit."

72. It's not—I have seniority!

73. these guns! Pow-pow!

74. I have bionic legs!

75. I could kick a hole right through you!

76. Ray, it's no big deal.

77. You're infiltrating a Japanese warehouse

78. and Pam speaks Japanese.

79. Her being team leader works for the mission.

80. That's not a real reason.

81. It's not like Zara or Krieger speak Spanish,

82. but they're rappelling into a Mexican cave.

83. I don't think caves speak Spanish.

84. Unless you count the echoes.

85. Hate to be pedantic, but I speak Spanish fluently.

86. And we're not actually rappelling into a cave

87. but into a Mexican cenote.

88. Well, it sounds like you love being pedantic.

89. And it sounds like you love being a whiny little bitch.

90. Damn! She nailed you.

91. Can the teams not communicate with each other via the comms

92. to avoid crosstalk?

93. And can we check in with team...

94. Stiletto, seriously?

95. What's wrong with Stiletto?

96. They're sexy, and anyone can pull them off.

97. Lord knows I can.

98. Turns out, Krieger and I both like

99. to carry them with us at all times.

100. You're talking about the stiletto dagger, right?

101. Yes, but we also like to confuse people with homonyms.

102. Love a good homonym.

103. Words!

104. Don't love that new friendship,

105. but it works for the mission.

106. According to the schematics, you need to follow the pipes

107. to the back entrance of the server farm.

108. And is it normal to keep a bunch of tech

109. suspiciously close to water?

110. It is if you want to have a shocking amount of fun.

111. The water is used as coolant.

112. Krieger just needs to hook his computer up

113. to the mainframe and shut it down.

114. Huh. This is actually a good plan.

115. It's exciting to be impressed by something.

116. Maybe for once, I don't have to worry

117. about this team getting me killed.

118. Um, I think you mean me saving you from getting killed.

119. The only thing you're saving me from

120. is sexual attraction at work.

121. Once again, No crosstalk, please.

122. Fine, Team Team Names Are Stupid

123. checking in with two questions.

124. One, leaving me until last

125. is completely disrespectful.

126. Not a question.

127. Two, why did everyone

128. get someone mildly useful

129. - except for me? - And you know why.

130. - Hey! - Yes, Cyril. Hello.

131. I know you're here.

132. I meant hey as in, you're insulting me.

133. Wouldn't it be more surprising if we stopped?

134. Well, Archer, maybe if you hadn't almost killed us

135. on our last mission—

136. Uh, uh, let's remember I saved someone too.

137. - Like who? - Myself. From boredom.

138. By blowing off the mission and going

139. to the national mud wrestling championships.

140. Which were great but very muddy.

141. Which was completely off assignment.

142. Not to mention we traced

143. the office head lice breakout to you.

144. If it weren't for all that,

145. you wouldn't be in this situation.

146. Oh, so it's my fault my scalp tastes delicious?

147. - Wait, so I'm the punishment? - No.

148. Archer's punishment was his mainframe location being...

149. Ugh. New Jersey.

150. And Cyril being on his team was just a screw-you bonus.

151. I can't believe I'm in New York's

152. lurching afterbirth.

153. I'm embarrassed we send garbage here.

154. Back on mission!

155. Dragon Run uses a distributed container model

156. for compute and storage.

157. That means we have to do this synchronously,

158. or the other nodes take over.

159. - So, Pam— - And Ray.

160. And eye roll. We tapped into the warehouse cameras,

161. and the northeast entrance is your best way in.

162. Take out the two guards, and use their badge

163. to get in the door.

164. Everything is happening exactly as it should.

165. Just as I foresaw.

166. Ugh. Want to try that again

167. but a little less Emperor Palpatine-y?

168. Silence when your leader is speaking!

169. I mean, that's what you were gonna say, right?

170. Yeah, we really needed Japanese for that.

171. Stiletto, how're we looking?

172. Ooh, well, I'm glad we were briefed

173. on the literal endless bats above us.

174. - It's still a bit— - Intoxicating?

175. I was gonna say unsettling,

176. but those are not interchangeable.

177. Don't worry, the control center is using your comms to project

178. an ultrasonic tone to keep the bats calm.

179. Wow, you paid extra for the bat-calming package?

180. It came in a bundle with other animal options.

181. Yeah, cool, cool, cool.

182. Uh, you know, just curious, uh,

183. you got one in there that arouses squid sexually?

184. I thought you were into octopi.

185. Well, I'm branching out.

186. Like tentacles.

187. Krieger, you're never touching this machine.

188. But yes.

189. Wouldn't it be a better plan

190. to have the ultrasound with us?

191. No, controlling it from here

192. assures we stay on plan without mistakes being made.

193. I don't like the implication I make mistakes,

194. but I'll let it slide since you're keeping the bats calm.

195. Yeah, because if I've learned anything

196. from the bats I've taxidermized,

197. it's that they do not like the sound of me laughing

198. when they're about to die.

199. You do taxidermy? Cool.

200. It's a very efficient art form.

201. That's what you got from that? Huh.

202. I am really not used to people actually listening

203. to the content of what I'm saying.

204. Each team needs to let me know when they hit the mainframe.

205. Archer, we're gonna tap

206. into the house security system, and you can—

207. Just walk into the house after breaking the lock?

208. Because it's just a house

209. in the middle of the night, Lana.

210. Or did you want to deactivate the doggy door

211. and use your fancy radio waves

212. to knock out the gnomes outside?

213. I didn't see any gnomes.

214. Shh! Cyril, did you hear that?

215. It was you killing the joke.

216. The house could just be a decoy.

217. And remember, we're aiming for no collateral damage,

218. so stay alert, and find the mainframe.

219. Yeah, we'll also try not to find hepatitis A, D, or E,

220. which is basically impossible in Jersey.

221. This really seems like a normal house, um,

222. which would be bad if we just broke into it, right?

223. - Oh, my God! - What?

224. I just remembered!

225. Frank Sinatra is from New Jersey.

226. How could that be?

227. Please remember that I'm monitoring you,

228. so stay on task in a professional manner.

229. This is my professional manner.

230. Ms. Kane, I brought you some nourishment

231. so you can keep your strength up for the big battle.

232. Cheryl, the whole point of all of this

233. is to avoid a big battle.

234. We can finally get off the treadmill of mediocrity

235. because we won't have a huge mess to clean up.

236. No, I meant the worker battle I've been planning

237. for when we're done with all this.

238. It's to the death!

239. - Of course it is. - Or...

240. I could find the button that can kill on command.

241. Like...

242. this one!

243. What did you do?

244. What was necessary.

245. No, something happened to one of the agents.

246. Their blood pressure spiked. They might've been shot.

247. Is everyone okay? Teams, check in now!

248. Team Ballsfor in position with the mainframe.

249. Yeah, because I found it.

250. Yeah, congrats, Ray.

251. You spotted the door marked "mainframe."

252. Which was in English.

253. We're good too. Coming up on the mainframe now.

254. Although we are walking a path

255. the Mayans once believed

256. was a gateway to the underworld,

257. so if this all ends in a sacrificial death,

258. we'll be honoring tradition.

259. Well, then whose blood pressure is—

260. Cyril, what the hell happened?

261. Oh, God. We're going to jail for life.

262. Oh, my God. Oh, I can't breathe.

263. Okay, so if the house is a decoy

264. and you're under fire, we can—

265. Oh, boy. W-we're gonna need to hold.

266. Hold? God, Archer. What did you do?

267. This one isn't on me.

268. If you guys are here to kill me,

269. I'd really appreciate you letting me

270. clear my browser history first.

271. Cyril, your biometrics are all over the place.

272. - You need to calm down. - Calm down?

273. We are grown men who just broke into a teenage boy's bedroom

274. in the middle of the night!

275. Cyril, you didn't even do anything.

276. I'm the only one this kid'll bring up in therapy one day.

277. Right, kid?

278. - I mean, yeah, probably. - See?

279. - Brag much? - This is just a small hiccup.

280. It doesn't take us off mission.

281. I don't see what you're worried about, Lana.

282. We pretty much usually always complete missions successfully.

283. Sometimes.

284. - Often. - Wow,

285. a lot of modifiers there.

286. Yeah, and we always cause a giant mess

287. and get all the blowback, but not this time.

288. So, Cyril, you need to calm down and focus!

289. This is like Cheetah Scouts all over again.

290. You think it's your new start,

291. but it's actually a portal to unimaginable horror.

292. Ugh, my mom is so desperate for me to join Cheetah Scouts.

293. - Ugh. - Oh, God.

294. Oh, God. They thought I was cool

295. at my first Cheetah Scouts meeting,

296. but then they found out.

297. They found out!

298. Oh, wow, Cyril seems to be having

299. some kind of painful flashback.

300. Permission to mercy-shoot him?

301. What's the holdup here? We're in position,

302. but someone will find those knocked-out guards soon.

303. And if I were team leader, I would've hid those bodies.

304. Well, pretty convenient

305. you're just saying that now!

306. Listen to me! This mission is not falling apart!

307. - Not on my watch! - Yeah!

308. We don't know the meaning of the word "hubris"!

309. Archer, can you find the mainframe

310. while the other teams are still in position?

311. Well, it's not in this room, unless it looks like

312. the Time Life subscription to being a virgin.

313. - Dibs! - A virgin with a hot mom.

314. Oh. Pass.

315. Wow. Hey, Trev. Uh, what's her deal?

316. Is now the time for this?

317. It might be. I mean, what if she's

318. - dating right now or— - For the love of God,

319. stop with the crosstalk!

320. Then why can we hear each other?

321. I don't know. Why can they, Greg?

322. Hey, listen.

323. If you guys are here about...

324. Dragon Run...

325. I set up the mainframe in the basement.

326. Wow, a teen hacker.

327. I read about that in Overused Trope Magazine.

328. Dude, it was just an after-school hobby.

329. Yeah, buying and selling illegal goods

330. looks great on a college application.

331. I don't even want to be a part of it anymore.

332. Oh, did you not find a world of ones and zeroes comforting

333. in the face of your disgusting hormones?

334. Or did the girl you wanted to impress not think it was cool?

335. - That's not what happened. - Really?

336. - Who's your best friend? - Laura.

337. But that's different, dude,

338. because I just have to stick around long enough

339. for her to realize she really likes me.

340. - I rest my case. - All right.

341. I promise I will show you to the basement

342. and the mainframe if you promise not to tell my mom.

343. She would be so mad at me.

344. Oh, God, it's knot-tying all over again!

345. Also, you have to promise not to date my mom.

346. Uh...

347. Oh, my God, Archer,

348. tell him that's fine,

349. and get down there now!

350. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lana,

351. let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

352. Archer, I swear to God!

353. And she is God!

354. Fine! Cyril, get the kid.

355. Just grabbing a kid and taking him

356. into a basement— totally normal.

357. How long is this hold lasting? We've got incoming guards.

358. You are supposed to be on top of this, Greg!

359. I am? - That is what this

360. control center is supposed to be for!

361. To handle any crisis that comes up

362. before it becomes a disaster!

363. Um, speaking of crisis,

364. none of these photos seems to include a dad.

365. He, uh, died when I was a kid.

366. Oh, wow, tough break. I'm so sorry.

367. I grew up without a dad too.

368. Uh, unrelated, did he die from something contagious

369. that your mom might have?

370. That's not unrelated.

371. Let him answer, Cyril!

372. Archer, stop trying to bang his mom!

373. Greg, why haven't you pulled up the warehouse cameras?

374. Because you didn't tell me to.

375. Greg, you have one job!

376. Oh, is it reading your mind?

377. Thank you!

378. Now we can finally—

379. wait, what? What's happening?

380. Is this a cyberattack retaliation?

381. Uh, I think this is what

382. the electrician meant when he was all...

383. "Blah, blah, blah,

384. "this control center uses a lot of power, blah, blah, blah.

385. The building isn't built for it, blah."

386. What? Why didn't you tell me that?

387. You know what electricians are like.

388. They'll say anything.

389. That is not a recognized stereotype.

390. Can anyone at least hear us?

391. The console needs a couple minutes to reboot,

392. but we can get audio.

393. Son of a bitch.

394. Team Ballsfor, report.

395. Yeah, how's it hangin'?

396. - Damn it, Greg! - Hold!

397. We need to hold, damn it!

398. Good thing you speak Japanese.

399. Okay, we need to keep everyone in position

400. until the control center comes back on,

401. which had better be goddamn soon, Greg.

402. God, they're everywhere!

403. Oh, God! The bats are everywhere!

404. Come on, the ultrasound turned off too?

405. No shit!

406. I knew you people would get me killed!

407. How hard is it to stick to a plan?

408. The bats always said they'd get their revenge!

409. Vengeance, thy name is tadarida brasiliensis!

410. Huh, sounds like this mission would've been easier

411. without the control center at all.

412. No, this control center is the only thing

413. that is keeping this all...

414. working! Finally!

415. Now, I can see everything that's...

416. Hyah!

417. going horribly wrong! Oh, my God!

418. Okay, guys, I need you to listen!

419. We need to hold! God, is this what hell is like?

420. Ow! Pretty close!

421. Wait, are Archer and Cyril actually in position?

422. Yes, Lana, because we didn't need

423. that unnecessary control center.

424. But I wouldn't mind the footage from this

425. if those photos are the closest I'm getting to that mom.

426. Actually, I'll just take a photo.

427. Actually, I'll just sleep with her.

428. No! You promised.

429. I promised not to date her, Trevor.

430. For a teenager helping run a black market,

431. you should be more aware of treachery.

432. Remember this lesson.

433. We can use the control center for the other agents.

434. Greg, turn the ultrasound back on,

435. and then tap into the warehouse feed

436. to divert attention away from Ray and Pam.

437. Hey, Greg, where are you—

438. Wh-what the hell's going on? Why is everyone getting sick?

439. Cheryl?

440. Yes, Ms. Kane?

441. Where did you get that party sub?

442. Duh, from the party sub store.

443. I bought it last week and kept it under my desk

444. so I wouldn't forget it.

445. But you didn't eat any of it?

446. Of course not. In solidarity with you.

447. Plus, it smelled so weird.

448. Pam, please tell me you and Ray handled the guards.

449. Yes, but we need to hold.

450. Why?

451. I gotta drain the clam.

452. Unless the control center can empty my bladder.

453. Can it?

454. Cheryl, did you get the ultrasonic cloaking back up

455. so the bats stop attacking Team Stiletto?

456. Yes, by which I mean no

457. because I don't know what anything you just said means!

458. The control panel manual said it was user-friendly.

459. Where did Greg put the damn manual? Greg!

460. Hearing this isn't inspiring a lot of confidence.

461. Please tell me you have a backup plan.

462. Ugh, uh, Krieger,

463. do you know anything about this system?

464. That depends.

465. Is it a model 27-0,

466. or is it a model 27-Y?

467. I-I-I don't know. Neither?

468. Oh, good, 'cause I was bluffing.

469. I just made those up.

470. Um, what's going on here?

471. Mom alert. We have a hot mom alert.

472. Repeat, hot mom alert.

473. Nice!

474. I finished peeing, by the way.

475. Is Pam's bladder really top priority?

476. Crosstalk, crosstalk, crosstalk!

477. Okay, to deal with the mom.

478. The plan is to try to access the home security system.

479. Say there was an alarm and that you're with the—

480. Cheetah Scouts.

481. Oh, my God. Archer, no.

482. Where's the nuclear button?

483. Did you say Cheetah Scouts?

484. Of course. I'm your son's new Cheetah Scouts leader.

485. Right, and I'm his assistant scout leader.

486. I'm actually in charge of knots.

487. Uh, but don't ask me to show you any.

488. Yeah, and we're here in our

489. brand-new black ops Cheetah Scouts uniforms

490. to welcome your son to Troop, uh, 333.

491. Right, right. That—that's why they're here.

492. Nothing else weird or illegal

493. is happening here, Mom.

494. Or you could just not say anything at all, kiddo.

495. Well, that is...

496. great! Oh, I'm so relieved.

497. When Trevor had me buy him this fancy video game stuff,

498. I was afraid he'd never do anything active again.

499. Well, Cheetah Scouts is very active.

500. Some might say too active.

501. And you don't have to say anything either,

502. Assistant Scout Leader Cyril.

503. Well, thank God you two are in his life now.

504. He could really use some father figures.

505. Mom.

506. Hey, I grew up without a father,

507. so I get that more than anyone.

508. I guess you guys actually handled that, uh, not terribly.

509. And they didn't need you or the center at all.

510. You were totally useless. Isn't that great?

511. Right. Yeah.

512. Well, if you two aren't busy,

513. any chance we could get a heads-up

514. the next time dozens of guards are coming our way?

515. Ray, what's going on there?

516. Well, Team Leader Pam thought it would be a good idea

517. to stash the guards we knocked out in the closet.

518. Ray, that was your idea.

519. Oh, right.

520. It doesn't matter.

521. Everyone needs to get their thumb drive in,

522. or we'll be compromised.

523. It'd be great if some attention

524. could be placed on getting us to the mainframe

525. without bat rabies.

526. You can just say "rabies."

527. Okay, since I clearly don't know

528. how to work this center and some of you seem to be

529. just fine without it,

530. Krieger, how would you get through the bats

531. if you were just... on your own?

532. Oh, that's allowed? Well, I'll be right back.

533. Oh, my God, Krieger just

534. pulled out this giant electric light thing.

535. Oh, my God, he's going after the bats.

536. It's brilliant!

537. It's like watching a ballet, but instead of stupid dancing,

538. it's fighting off bats.

539. God, there's someone competent at this agency,

540. and it's Krieger.

541. His personal backup plan is so unique,

542. it could not have been centrally planned.

543. Watching this is an unforgettable moment.

544. Anyone who doesn't see this

545. has a worse life for having missed it.

546. It's always going to be a mess, isn't it?

547. I will never be able to control it.

548. You mean IBS? I'm afraid not.

549. No, no, the chaos, the collateral damage,

550. it's just impossible to control.

551. Yes, it is, but, being caught in a Sisyphean cycle,

552. you continue to fight against the chaos

553. that will ultimately prevail

554. because you're worried about the external reaction

555. instead of looking at the final result

556. and accepting some things cannot be controlled.

557. We're talking about me and the sandwich thing, right?

558. You know what? Screw it.

559. Everyone, just find your way into position.

560. Do whatever you need to do. Archer, is the mom gone?

561. Um, yeah, you could say that.

562. It's so hard, you know?

563. They grow up, and they're out of your hands.

564. As a fellow single parent,

565. I can tell you're doing your best.

566. Well, that's why I moved us to New Jersey.

567. And what a great choice that was.

568. I mean, Frank Sinatra's from New Jersey.

569. Sounds to me like we have a lot in common.

570. Whatever. As long as one of you is in position.

571. Looks like I'm not the weak link after all, huh?

572. Well, you basically did nothing,

573. and Archer, being Archer, got you out of that.

574. - Thank you. - Zara,

575. did you and Krieger make it to the mainframe?

576. Yeah, but only because Krieger was so brilliant.

577. Lana, your plan was shit,

578. especially since it held Krieger back

579. from doing the amazing things he needed to do.

580. I mean, Krieger, should we hang out more?

581. Only if you don't have relatives or next of kin

582. who'd ask questions.

583. Pam, Ray, please tell me you have everything handled

584. - over there. - Ready.

585. And I think Ray should plug in the drive,

586. since he's joint team leader.

587. Pam, no, y-you don't actually have the power to—

588. - Aw, Pam! You really mean it? - I do, Ray.

589. Lana made me team leader because people are still salty

590. about you selling out our secrets to Fabian.

591. But then I made it up to y'all.

592. Total Raydemption.

593. That's not how trust works.

594. - Pam! - No crosstalk!

595. But, Ray, you having my back in that fight

596. really showed me that no matter what—

597. Resolve that shit later.

598. Plug in the drive in three, two—

599. Now! Do it now!

600. Team Ballsfor, mainframe deactivated.

601. Team Stiletto, mainframe deactivated.

602. Team Trevor, mainframe deactivated.

603. No, no. That's not our team name.

604. And you don't get to— you know what?

605. Team Cyril, mainframe deactivated.

606. - Kaboom! - Ugh.

607. Don't be so desperate, dude.

608. All right, here we go.

609. All black market transactions are frozen.

610. Uh, Dragon Run server is shut down.

611. And the data transfer to us is complete!

612. - We did it! - Yay!

613. - Success! - All right!

614. It's kind of worrying, just how excited we are

615. that we did our jobs without anything exploding

616. or catching fire or the police getting called,

617. but I'm not overthinking it.

618. And Ray finally stopped bitching.

619. Shut up, Cheryl.

620. - Never mind. - Okay.

621. Now all I have to do is upload the files to Interpol

622. - and— - What? No.

623. Get an office drone to do that shit when they're done puking.

624. Uh, well, then when do I do?

625. What the boss always does:

626. goes out and celebrates a win

627. that they had very little to do with.

628. You know what? You're right.

629. I need to trust my agents

630. and know that they can get the job done

631. even if it's not the way I plan it.

632. - So let's go and get drunk. - Yay!

633. Leave it.

634. You got it, boss.

635. Control?

636. Our only way out of here is covered with gunmen.

637. Is there another exit?

638. Yeah, or maybe we could get an extraction.

639. Apparently the mainframe is now set to self-destruct,

640. so requesting immediate extraction.

641. Hello. Lana? Lana.

642. For the love of God, extraction, ple—

643. So you want to shoot some hoops, baller?

644. Shut up.

645. Nerd.

646. Made in Georgia.