Archer 14x5

1. Ibiza is in shambles.

2. Ever since this new highly addictive, uncut cocaine

3. hit the streets, bars and clubs have become ghost towns.

4. People only leave their rooms to get more drugs.

5. ODs are through the roof.

6. Ms. Kane, will you help us?

7. Nina, rest assured, we will take care of it.

8. We will not stop until Ibiza is 100% cocaine-free.

9. Wow, ha, 100%.

10. That number feels high?

11. High like too much or high like everyone in Ibiza?

12. Obviously, eliminating all drugs would be fantastic,

13. but these new drugs are first priority.

14. After that, you could probably just... um, stop.

15. Wait, are you saying you want some cocaine on the streets?

16. Not want per se, no.

17. Drugs are, and I think we all agree here,

18. uh... bad?

19. I mean, the thought

20. of people doing that stuff—

21. dancing all night, buying drinks—

22. total nightmare.

23. Got it, eliminate the drugs that are hurting your business.

24. Ignore the drugs that are helping it.

25. We've tracked production of the super strain

26. to this remote town.

27. Destroy that facility,

28. and we'll save so many innocent... euros.

29. Hasta luego!

30. Now, obviously, we've got an important job here—

31. Yeah, figuring out why you're not calling it "Ibitha."

32. Because, dumb-ass, it's spelled with a Z.

33. Ha! Tell it to Peter of Castile,

34. lisping king of Spain,

35. originator of the fricative shift.

36. - That's a myth. - I think you mean "myz."

37. Look, you can sort out Catalonian history

38. tomorrow before your mission.

39. - Ooh, not gonna work for me. - What?

40. Yeah, I've got a deep-tissue massage,

41. a cold plunge, and then a mineral bath...

42. because I'll be on vacation.

43. And when were you going to notify HR about that?

44. Oh, I already did— in that sentence I just said.

45. Do you guys not practice self-care?

46. That would be Cyril's specialty.

47. No self-care?

48. No wonder you're all aging so rapidly.

49. I just thought you didn't wear sunscreen

50. or mixed up your loofah with a belt sander.

51. Well... ciao!

52. She can do that?

53. You mean piss me off to the point

54. where my eyeballs burst into flame?

55. Jeez, no, I meant the vacation thing.

56. Ah, the field.

57. Real change of pace for you, Lana.

58. Last time you were out here was way back

59. in the distant past of,

60. - what, a week ago? - Ow!

61. Am I supposed to respond

62. or just let you continue self-douching?

63. I'm honestly fine either way.

64. Well, yes, I've had to repeatedly

65. leave the comfort of my office

66. to bail you knucklefucks out with my superior skills.

67. Whoa, whoa, let's skip the part

68. where you do a fancy maneuver with your gun

69. and then accidentally obliterate that innocent bird.

70. So should I skip the part

71. where I save your life too?

72. Sometimes I think

73. it is we who are the animals.

74. Look, at least I'm actually here, all right,

75. and not taking a spa day like Zara.

76. Well, I, for one, applaud Zara.

77. Wait, don't you hate self-care?

78. Not as much as I love redefining my flaws as virtues.

79. Hold on, self-care break.

80. I am all for living a healthy, balanced life—

81. Oh, my God, don't talk like that while I'm drinking.

82. So... never?

83. Hey, you do you.

84. I'm just saying that I'm paid to travel the world,

85. be a professional badass and look great doing it.

86. And that is my self-care.

87. Yeah, you seem relaxed.

88. Look, I'm in favor of self-care,

89. just not calling it self-care.

90. It's just new words for the selfish shit

91. we all need to get through the goddamn day.

92. - Why dress it up? - Ah, so, what,

93. your version of self-care is narcissism?

94. Whoa, let's not throw around terms like that

95. without a licensed therapist...

96. who, yes, in fairness,

97. did diagnose me with that—

98. before trying to sleep with me

99. while simultaneously replacing Mother psychologically, so...

100. - grain of salt. - Hey, I'm with Lana.

101. - Work is my vacation. - That's not—

102. You know what gets me out of bed in the morning?

103. The thought of my job.

104. - Now, hang on— - Hell,

105. I hope I die peacefully sitting at my desk.

106. We want that for you too, Cyril.

107. Jesus, Cyril! Not helping!

108. Sounds like somebody could use a Thick Red.

109. No one could use a Thick Red,

110. least of all the person copiloting the helicopter.

111. And especially not when the solano

112. is particularly bad today.

113. The solano? It's a warm, easterly wind?

114. An extension of the sirocco, come on.

115. Let's just focus on the mission.

116. Maybe you just need to embrace the now, Lana.

117. I am trying to embrace the now,

118. which is the mission we are currently on.

119. - Detonator. - Hmm, maybe I dropped it

120. when you massacred that endangered kingfisher.

121. Dios mío! Intrusos! Kill them!

122. Oh, shit!

123. Cyril, we need an extract—now!

124. Hey! And land smoothly!

125. I could use a Thick Red, and I don't want it

126. spraying all over me!

127. Hey, Cyril, the spinning part

128. is supposed to point up!

129. You think I don't know that?

130. I'm dealing with a solano, a leveche,

131. a poniente, and what feels like a terral!

132. Naming the winds won't make us not die!

133. Look, it's not so bad, all right?

134. we can circle back, get this patched—

135. Oh, boy.

136. Bet you wish you were back at the office, huh?

137. So we've got a few potential topics

138. for workplace research.

139. One, do the drones work harder if they're given

140. gourmet cuisine that they're later told

141. is lab-grown human flesh?

142. But why-uh?

143. Why lab-grown? Pfft, that part's a lie.

144. Option two—

145. Was that a groan of excitement?

146. No, it's a groan of regular groan-uh!

147. Why? With Lana gone and us in charge,

148. we can do whatever we want!

149. But what's the point?

150. Well, I guess I'd say that these projects

151. let me see myself as more than a cog

152. in a soulless machine

153. and stir the cold ashes of my soul,

154. if only for a moment.

155. Duh, you don't have to explain self-care to me.

156. But then just—Lana comes back, undoes everything,

157. and never leaves us in charge again?

158. So we have nothing to look forward to?

159. Huh, is there a reason you have this newfound...

160. sense of perspective?

161. Well, I'm off, like, 60% of my meds

162. ever since the stupid horse doctor had to leave town.

163. I told him the horse cops were a bad sign, but did he listen?

164. Yeah, I think those were just cops riding regular horses.

165. Hey, guys, I just want you to all work normally

166. and have a normal day,

167. because apparently, that's all we're here for.

168. Ugh, leave me. I must brood.

169. I think you just discovered your secret weapon.

170. I don't like it.

171. They've got to be up to something.

172. - But what? - I say we strike now,

173. before they get their plans in order.

174. So we can mess with them and not get blamed?

175. Perfect.

176. And do we need to add

177. the human flesh thing to this, or—

178. God, just freeze it.

179. What is the point of going back in

180. if we don't have the detonator?

181. You should really bring backups

182. for these kind of important things.

183. I shouldn't even have to be here!

184. It isn't like we asked you to come.

185. So I should've just left this in the hands

186. of a helicopter pilot who can't fly,

187. a beer-drinking copilot,

188. and the guy who can't keep track

189. of the one thing we need to accomplish the mission?

190. In that case, we should probably

191. just let you handle it.

192. You know, it's been a while since I went on holiday.

193. Thick Red?

194. But would I have lost the detonator

195. if you hadn't been talking my ear off about self-care?

196. Yes! Or if not, you would've been too hungover

197. to get out of bed or flirting with the mayor's daughter.

198. Totally unfair, Lana.

199. None of us has any idea if the mayor's daughter is hot.

200. Uh, maybe we should be trying a little harder

201. to blend in right now.

202. Hola, amigos. We're from here.

203. How can we act normal?

204. We're wearing tactical gear.

205. Fishermen don't know that.

206. Fishermen are smarter than you think.

207. They're the dairy farmers of the sea.

208. You don't milk fish.

209. You don't know what I do.

210. Wait, what is Archer doing?

211. Name's Domingo.

212. I just moved here.

213. I'm the new... marlin fisherman.

214. They have those here, right?

215. Marlin guy, huh?

216. Then what's your favorite part of the fish?

217. Uh, the—the face?

218. Classic marlin guy,

219. always talking about fish faces.

220. Bienvenidos, amigo!

221. Did you see how natural that was?

222. Maybe part of me was always Domingo.

223. Nope. Nope. Nope. I'm cutting this off here.

224. We are not getting sidetracked.

225. I hate to admit it, but Archer...

226. Uh, Domingo.

227. has a point.

228. If we're trapped here, we'll need to blend.

229. At least for a day or two while we try to regroup.

230. Fine, but while we blend,

231. can we please come up with a plan?

232. Oh, really? I thought you could handle that

233. all by yourself, since we're so incompetent.

234. Look, maybe I was a little harsh, okay,

235. but let's find a hotel and figure—aah.

236. I'm still here to talk cover story.

237. Maybe we operate a fair-trade tourism company.

238. Sure, we're not one of the big guys, but we...

239. care.

240. Hey, Señora Luz, if that sink

241. gives you trouble again, you call me.

242. But if your husband is giving you trouble...

243. call me twice.

244. - Ya-ha-ha! - H-hey there, buddy.

245. Saved you an eyeball.

246. Ah! Gracias, Tío Domingo!

247. Now, you share that with your sister.

248. Marlin tonight, boys!

249. - Olé! - You guys.

250. You know, Pamela, the sun's setting

251. on my time at the bar.

252. I need someone to take over.

253. Think about it, eh?

254. I know everybody says this on vacation, but...

255. should we change our names, get fake passports,

256. and burn off our fingerprints?

257. You know, really make it official?

258. No. No, right?

259. I mean, I just started doing this to piss off Lana.

260. But honestly, I haven't felt peace like this... ever.

261. Spending my days at sea, alone with my thoughts?

262. Pam, I have incredible thoughts,

263. like—

264. Well, it only works at sea.

265. I honestly feel the same.

266. Window washing is a simple trade,

267. but I'm truly helping people.

268. What more could you ask for?

269. Maybe a completed fucking mission.

270. Unbelievable! Have you guys done any recon at all,

271. learned literally anything of use?

272. Uh, yeah, I befriended a charming sea otter

273. who helped me rediscover my inner child.

274. They hold hands, Lana!

275. This isn't self-care time!

276. This is mission time!

277. Lucky for you beach bums, I have a plan

278. for all of us to retrieve the detonator.

279. Shrug? What do you mean shrug?

280. I have a date with the high seas.

281. Also a Spanish waitress.

282. And washing windows has been a breakthrough for me.

283. I've made space in my heart to really forgive my father for—

284. Oh, suck my dick, all of you.

285. Once again, I will bail you out and handle it... myself!

286. Let's just ride this out till the client complains.

287. Speaking of, is it weird that the office

288. hasn't checked in this whole trip?

289. Well, looks like us being normal

290. has unnerved them so deeply, it activated a raw primal fear,

291. not unlike when a gazelle senses an unseen predator.

292. God, like I need any more reasons to hate gazelles.

293. So we didn't get to do anything weird

294. and we're going to get the short leash?

295. I told you this was a stupid plan!

296. - No, you didn't. - Well, then I guess it's time

297. to turn up the heat

298. and get these dumb gazelles back to work.

299. I think you know what we have to do now.

300. What?

301. Wait! Wait, please. I'm—I'm here on business.

302. I'm a club owner from Ibiza,

303. and I-I need cocaine.

304. It's an emergency!

305. Gentlemen, no need for violence.

306. She's merely a customer...

307. traveling alone...

308. to a remote village.

309. Uh, I-I came with my, um, entourage.

310. But they're all in terrible withdrawal.

311. Guess it's true what they say:

312. hard to find good help,

313. harder to find good coke.

314. So true. Come on.

315. I have what you need.

316. So how do you like being a club owner in Ibiza?

317. Must be nice.

318. To be honest, it kind of sucks.

319. I mean, everyone else is on vacation,

320. and you're the one stuck with the work.

321. Sure, the big, fancy office looks nice,

322. you spend all your time putting out fires,

323. and before long, you start to lose touch

324. with what you love about...

325. - clubbing. - Ugh, tell me about it.

326. You'd think mass-producing cocaína would be sexy,

327. but it's, uh, a lot of paperwork.

328. Oh, God, that is a lot of paperwork.

329. Beautiful, no?

330. And are they naked to prevent them

331. from stealing product?

332. Well, they're certainly not stealing any hearts.

333. My workers put the product through every

334. quality control test imaginable to ensure its purity.

335. Go ahead, see for yourself.

336. Oh, yup.

337. Uh, got it, that process is very pure.

338. Miss, how can you tell from this angle?

339. You have to get in close. It's a full sensory experience.

340. - Looks great. - Now let me show you

341. the room where these facility workers

342. do calisthenics with the coca plants.

343. Oh! Yeah, so that's an interesting painting.

344. Oh, that's my old coke tester, Junio.

345. One night, we did so many lines together

346. that he transcended time and space.

347. He could actually see a few seconds into the future.

348. How could you tell?

349. He beat up the whole bar.

350. Nobody could touch him— until the next day.

351. They were mad, and he was sleepy.

352. Poor Junio.

353. Now, let's get down to business.

354. - Señores. - And these are?

355. Cocaine sommeliers.

356. Let's get you the right blow for your club.

357. Oh, shit.

358. Hey, you established the precedent

359. that I could pay you in fish,

360. so it would be real shitty of you to stop now.

361. Well, it turns out,

362. we can't pay the electric bill in fish, so...

363. Oh, so it's all about you now?

364. I reek of flounder, I have sea salt rash

365. that's bigger than my actual body,

366. and the sea otter that I befriended

367. has abandoned me,

368. so how about you get me a damn drink?

369. Since you established this fish barter system,

370. to stay afloat, I had to turn part of the bar

371. into a for-profit prison.

372. And now you profit from injustice!

373. To be fair, Cyril, you were caught peeping.

374. I was cleaning the mayor's daughter's window.

375. For two hours?

376. It was... really dirty.

377. I'll bet it was.

378. What do we do? Is this a sign?

379. Should we tap out and go help Lana?

380. I could really use an incredible thought

381. about the nature of inner peace right now.

382. Goddamn, I said goddamn!

383. - Whoo! - Now, that one pairs well

384. with investment banking and light fraud.

385. Mm, then again... don't they all?

386. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

387. You know what doesn't pair well, buddy?

388. Work and life.

389. It's been bananas since I took over as head of the... club!

390. And now here I am again,

391. cleaning up after my incompetent, uh—

392. - Club employees? - Yes! Yes, yes!

393. You get it! You feel me, right?

394. It's like we're speaking in jazz, you know what I'm sayin'?

395. Like, I'm over here like Coltrane, like...

396. And you're over like Miles, like...

397. Okay, you've officially gone from coke-fun to coke-annoying.

398. Hey! What the shit, man?

399. I'm bearing my fuckin' soul to you.

400. Well, one, I know you're a spy.

401. And, two, your soul... it's pretty boring.

402. Wait, how did you know I was a spy?

403. I w—I was so careful. I kept saying "club."

404. You also kept saying "Ibiza."

405. Come on, even tourists manage to say it right.

406. Wait, so you knew the whole time?

407. What was even the point of all of this, then?

408. We get movies pretty late down here,

409. so it was either make a spy do blow for several hours

410. or watch Gone with the Wind.

411. How late do you get movies here?

412. Mm, preeeetty late.

413. So instead you use people as your playthings?

414. Guess being a massive drug dealer

415. and owning everything in a small town

416. will do that to you.

417. That's where I know these guys from.

418. - They're the dockhands! - Yes.

419. It's crazy how long it took you to put that together.

420. Now, the charade was fun, but, uh, enough is enough.

421. Adios, Coltrane.

422. Oh, I'm three months sober!

423. - Stop her! - Oh!

424. Huh?

425. She's up there!

426. No way she'll jump. She's too...

427. high.

428. Wow, I didn't set her up for that one.

429. We are not leaving this room until we figure out

430. why they're acting this way.

431. And does anyone know where Kurt went?

432. Hello?

433. Hello, Brenda.

434. I am the Watcher,

435. the one whom Krieger and Cheryl

436. have been trying to appease.

437. You have encouraged the other workers to stop working,

438. and you must pay!

439. Now you have to deal with me.

440. Still wondering

441. where Kurt went?

442. Listen carefully, Brenda.

443. There's only one means of atonement:

444. fill out forms 308C and have them on Cheryl's desk

445. - by 5:00 if you can! - What?

446. And don't forget to loop in Stetson

447. from accounting, even if it means

448. pinging him over lunch!

449. Uh, what's up Bren-Bren?

450. - Homeys? - So...

451. they're not masterminds feigning normalcy

452. as part of a psychosexual game of life or death?

453. No, thank God.

454. They're just idiots who've been given too much power.

455. Let's just get back to work.

456. Huh, so being our weird selves made them feel

457. secure enough to start working.

458. With all this, I bet they get

459. a regular amount of work done this week.

460. So that means... we did it!

461. We're average!

462. - Ha! - Yeah!

463. God, is this what the rest of America feels like?

464. Look, I'm not totally solvent yet,

465. so this triple whiskey is mostly Diet Shasta.

466. God damn it,

467. just say you don't like the drink!

468. Everyone turned on us?

469. Lil Ricky, where's Archer?

470. Ow!

471. Lana, you're alive!

472. And thank God I am.

473. I barely made it out of there in one piece.

474. Couldn't find the detonator anywhere, and I was sure

475. it was in the bathroom, so I kept having to be like,

476. "Can I go to the bathroom?" And then Rodrigo was like,

477. "What, do you have a yeast infection?"

478. And he seemed genuinely concerned,

479. and he gave me the name of a good urologist.

480. It was, like, a Dr. Tay? D-Dr. Pug?

481. Uh, anyway, and then I felt weird,

482. and then they shot at me a bunch.

483. And hit you a bunch. Are you okay?

484. Huh. Barely felt it.

485. Even though he's trying to kill us, I gotta hand it to Rodrigo.

486. He has got some great cocaína.

487. Oh, right. I never even thought to ask.

488. Pam, is being close to cocaine triggering for you?

489. Look, I'm not proud of that period of my life.

490. You know how when you're a kid

491. and you've been craving some specific kind of candy

492. and you get some birthday money

493. and you buy, like, six bags of it

494. and eat it all and get sick and never want it again?

495. For me, it's like that with cocaine.

496. Except I still want it.

497. But more urgently, care to tell us

498. why I'm unloading a clip on the regulars

499. I've come to think of as familia?

500. Rodrigo doesn't just run the coke.

501. He runs the town.

502. Everyone from the facility lives down here.

503. I mean, well, maybe not everyone.

504. I actually ran into some crazy census data, but—

505. Focus! What about the locals and the fishermen?

506. Oh, right! Yes! Yes! Yes!

507. They are the locals and fishermen!

508. - Yes, that's it! - The entire town

509. makes cocaine for Rodrigo? Why?

510. How else are we supposed to make a living out here?

511. Uh, tourism?

512. You've got all this nature and priceless architecture.

513. Not for long. Fire in the hole!

514. Come on. Come on, buddy.

515. Damn it!

516. That's it! I—oh, shit.

517. Things look bad for the gang.

518. I've gotta go save them.

519. But once I step off this boat, Domingo is no more.

520. Is paradise truly paradise

521. if it comes at such a steep price?

522. What a quandary.

523. Okay, I can decide after I

524. beat the ass of whoever did that.

525. Buenas noches, Domingo.

526. Give it up. You're surrounded.

527. So step out here and we can preserve

528. at least some of this irreplaceable architecture.

529. Any last words?

530. Domingo?

531. Hey, everyone. Three things.

532. One, I never caught any fish.

533. I'd hike every day to a town over

534. and buy marlin at the market.

535. Aw, I looked up to you.

536. Two, Lana, I owe you an apology.

537. With your level of chaos and unprofessionalism,

538. you absolutely deserve to be in the field.

539. - Archer— - You're lucky

540. I'm in great shape, by the way.

541. I swam that mile in no time.

542. - Archer! - Wait! Shit!

543. - How are you still standing? - What can I say?

544. Great coke.

545. Holy shitsnacks! How'd you do that?

546. Oh, me, just transcended time and space.

547. Junio says hola, by the way.

548. Ugh, whatever. I'm over this place.

549. And if I ever say anything about self-care,

550. remind me that it's just rebranded narcissism.

551. Will that stop you?

552. No. That's why I like it.

553. You know, maybe it's the kilo coursing

554. through my bloodstream, but you're right.

555. We're spies, not tourists.

556. So what was your third confession?

557. What? When did you find it?

558. Almost right away.

559. once I come down from all this coke,

560. Cheryl and Krieger are fired.

561. I don't know, after all that cocaína,

562. you might wanna wean your body off it

563. over the next couple of... years.

564. Shit. Yeah. Huh.

565. Well, maybe self-care isn't all that bad.

566. Oh, no, you mean—

567. Yeah, what's a vacation without a souvenir?

568. No, Lana. I've been down that road.

569. That stuff will cost you family, friends, everything.

570. All right. Great. 14-hour boat ride, sober.

571. Anyone else wanna make it any fucking shittier?

572. I bet you're thinking, should the solano winds

573. be this active this time of year?

574. Well, interesting question, and the answer is—

575. Rhetorical!

576. I miss my sea otter.

577. Made in Georgia.