Archer 14x4

1. Ah!

2. Can you not do that?

3. Can't not. Won't not.

4. Time can eat a rack of balls.

5. So this is immediately grim.

6. But to cheer everyone up,

7. I decided to get you all a Friday smoothie.

8. - Yay. - And then I thought

9. it would be hard to carry them all,

10. so I decided to tell you I forgot.

11. But then, uh, I forgot to do that.

12. Huh, no return address.

13. - Yeah, it's a trap. - Clearly a trap.

14. Ooh, do we think it's maybe time

15. to test my roof catapult and motion-tracking autocannon?

16. Or is it definitely time?

17. Let's shoot some box-skeet!

18. Yeah! Though we should probably call it something else.

19. Guys? Guys?

20. You guys hear that, or do they just go

21. super hard at the smoothie place?

22. I don't hear anything. Roof gun?

23. Guys, can you not blow up the box?

24. 'Cause I'm almost out of power here.

25. Barry? Thank Cyborg Jesus.

26. You're alive? Why are you in a box?

27. Ooh. Oh, God, thank you.

28. Uh, yeah, kind of a long story.

29. Um, whoops.

30. Sorry, still not great with the operating

31. the, uh, whole fridge thing.

32. Now, that's what I call a cold open.

33. Who's that for?

34. Ha-cha-cha-cha.

35. So what I'm getting is that this mini-fridge

36. is a friend of yours?

37. Yeah, Barry, what's the deal here?

38. Wait, are we in the break room?

39. I know you've got other outlets.

40. Yeah, we thought you'd be more comfortable in here

41. with your kind.

42. Unless that's appliance racist, if that's a thing.

43. If you have to ask, then it definitely is.

44. Oh, loosen up.

45. Ow. Hey, do that one more time.

46. - Ow! - Let's all just chill.

47. Nice, appliance racist.

48. So he said, moving this along,

49. remember how me and Other Barry were trapped in the same body?

50. And I told you how to shut me down,

51. basically saving your lives by sacrificing myself?

52. Seriously? Come on.

53. I cannot believe I have to remind you about this.

54. If anything, it was the scientist guy

55. who sacrificed himself.

56. Colt! And he was my best friend.

57. Aw, during our tearful goodbye,

58. he told me that I should—

59. Oh, come— whose story is this?

60. Anyhoo, the electrical surge somehow let me reach out

61. and find this Wi-Fi-enabled fridge

62. and transfer my consciousness.

63. But by the time I got it running...

64. Hey, guys, I'm alive.

65. Cool.

66. Once they cleared the rubble,

67. I took remote control of a forklift

68. and carried myself out.

69. But my powers were limited,

70. so I ended up in a college dorm room.

71. Oh, you're not gonna clean that up?

72. Then I was a prop on a fetish porn set.

73. You're not gonna clean that up?

74. But now I'm—h-hey, that's really distracting.

75. Oh, damn. I really wanted that.

76. You're not gonna clean that up?

77. Is that a real question?

78. Hold on. This refrigerator person is scientifically

79. and philosophically earth-shattering.

80. - She's new. - So you did it once.

81. Can't you transfer into something else?

82. No, I can't.

83. Think it had something to do with the power surge.

84. Not to worry, I'll figure it out,

85. no matter how many human-animal hybrids

86. we have to sacrifice to get there.

87. Yeah, don't let him ever touch me.

88. Yeah, that's pretty much the consensus around here.

89. Well, unfortunately, there's no time anyway, because—

90. Other Barry's back?

91. I picked up some ripples out there in the ether,

92. and yes, Other Barry must have gotten out like me.

93. Or he was resurrected or some friggin' thing.

94. But he's back.

95. Can we please take a step back here?

96. Human-scale artificial intelligence actually exists.

97. More like arti-fridgal intelligence.

98. - Yes. - Ah, nice.

99. Sometimes they just come to me.

100. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very nice.

101. But how can we continue as before

102. knowing that the next stage of consciousness is nigh?

103. More like arti-fridgal intelligence.

104. Sti—still really, really good.

105. OK, we've got a little more of a handle on this.

106. - Krieger? - So something is drawing

107. huge amounts of power from the Hoover Dam.

108. Luckily, I'm pretty good at power tracing

109. because I siphon off the grid, like, all the time.

110. But not to here, right?

111. That feels like a trick question.

112. Which part?

113. The question part?

114. Anyway, it's going to Yucca Mountain.

115. The government started building

116. a permanent nuclear waste storage site there,

117. but it was never completed.

118. Where do they put the waste now?

119. Neh, just around.

120. Fantastic country you've got here.

121. Yeah, it's too bad we don't live on the soggy remains

122. - of a crumbled empire. - Give it time.

123. Other Barry is building something big.

124. Been a lot of chatter in the black market contractor world.

125. Great. So now there's evil plumbers?

126. Always have been.

127. Think the Roman Empire had lead pipes on accident?

128. Uh, yes?

129. So naive. Goth plumbers.

130. Cool!

131. - Not that kind. - Aw.

132. Yucca strike team is Archer, Pam, Cyril, and Krieger.

133. Wait, you're not coming?

134. Definitely not the first time

135. you've used that phrase.

136. Ice cold.

137. It's OK when I say it.

138. Lana, I'm not sure what credentials I lack here

139. other than some kind of minimum blood alcohol level...

140. You have to stay committed.

141. but I respectfully request to join the mission,

142. or else you will look like a complete numpty!

143. To continue, Zara, you will join Ray and me

144. on a linked mission.

145. Withdrawn. Forget I said that.

146. The main power line to Yucca was buried to prevent sabotage.

147. Years later, when the project was abandoned,

148. an office building was built over the access point.

149. Whatever doom machine he's got in there,

150. it looks like it's protected by some kind

151. of high-energy field.

152. I'm gonna say a laser matrix

153. but just because those are fun words.

154. My team will cut the power to disable the, uh—

155. Laser matrix!

156. Sure. Then you'll destroy Barry and his death machine.

157. Any questions?

158. Uh, yeah.

159. Why is Krieger holding a bowl of eggs?

160. Oh, I'm sorry.

161. I thought this was a lunch meeting.

162. Well, let me just put these—

163. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

164. What—what are you doing, chief?

165. Are those peeled, uncovered hard-boiled eggs?

166. Does it help if they're not bird eggs?

167. Well, at least it doesn't look

168. exactly like the yawning maw of death itself.

169. Well, at least if I die,

170. I'll be able to put down this damn refrigerator.

171. I'm not a damn refrigerator.

172. I'm a highly evolved sentient life-form.

173. Yeah, in a damn refrigerator.

174. Hey, man. What's up?

175. Oh, nothing.

176. Just mentally preparing.

177. I'm not sure if you noticed, Pam, but Other Barry

178. tends to beat the ever-living shit out of me all the time.

179. - We're here to help, buddy. - Thanks, home appliance.

180. But I might feel better about that if you had, you know,

181. arms or legs.

182. Hey, I brought these for you.

183. I got it from my cool Aunt Gerty.

184. She gave it to me right before she got busted in Canada

185. for bootlegging cheese curds.

186. Pam, these are great,

187. but I'm not sure if they're enough.

188. Wait, we do have a secret weapon!

189. Barry, does Other Barry have weaknesses

190. we can use to defeat him?

191. Man, that's a great question.

192. Why didn't I think of that?

193. Um, let me think.

194. Uh...

195. no.

196. I need a break.

197. Anyone else want to carry this thing?

198. Uh, have a name.

199. Sorry, does anyone else want to carry Dorkballs here?

200. - Eh, you seem fine. - Ray. Come in, Ray. You there?

201. How's Yucca team doing?

202. Great. Well, I assume.

203. You know, they're inside a mountain.

204. There's not, like, a whole bunch of reception in there.

205. So while Zara and I scout the target,

206. you're not doing anything?

207. Uh, reductive.

208. But the whole reason we're doing the mission today

209. is 'cause they're having a party,

210. so it should be easy to sneak downstairs.

211. Plus, do you really need me monitoring

212. how many of these tech bros are looking at your yabos?

213. It had better be all of them.

214. Although it is making it harder to sneak away.

215. Oi, shit for brains,

216. if I wanted to talk to you, I still wouldn't.

217. I'd go home and stick my head in a blender

218. for even thinking it.

219. Now, fuck off.

220. If it'll make you feel better,

221. I will do a thorough scan.

222. Nerd. Nerd.

223. Dork. Geek.

224. Nerd. N—uh-oh.

225. - What? - Well...

226. it's not great.

227. So kind of a funny story.

228. Ah!

229. Come on, Pam!

230. I said I needed a break.

231. And I said you looked fine.

232. Why would you mislead me like that?

233. Don't worry, I got it,

234. 'cause I think these guys are... slipping.

235. We need to throw the kitchen sink at them

236. or something bigger.

237. Yeah, but, like, what— no, no, no, no, no, no!

238. - Cyril! - What?

239. Do the one thing you actually do!

240. Suppressing fire!

241. Wait, no, no, no. What—what are you—

242. Just put me down! Come on, man!

243. Why are you mad? You helped.

244. Because I'm not bulletproof.

245. I took a hit to the compressor.

246. I'm useless now!

247. Don't say that.

248. We need you for intelligence on Other Barry.

249. He doesn't know any of that.

250. Oh, really? So... what are we doing?

251. Well, whenever I'm at my lowest,

252. I always return to one fundamental truth:

253. at least I'm not Cyril.

254. Hey, I just did something!

255. I'd call you a one-trick pony, Cyril,

256. but ponies probably have better aim.

257. Uh, we really need to get going, guys.

258. Ho-ho, I see.

259. We—we're just gonna stop before I can say

260. that ponies can't hold guns because of hooves!

261. And off that devastating riposte...

262. Cyril, just grab Barry.

263. Why me?

264. Because you're the one I can most reliably intimidate.

265. I swear, one of these days,

266. I will show them all.

267. Yeah, I can, uh, hear you, buddy.

268. Damn it.

269. Man, these are really substandard goons.

270. I almost feel bad kicking the snot out of them.

271. - Almost. - I don't get it.

272. Why doesn't Other Barry just make a bunch of copies

273. of himself to use as goons?

274. Uh, guys, maybe because this.

275. Well, seems like this particular Barry

276. doesn't play well with others.

277. So he's more evil now?

278. Huh, and from this equipment, it looks like

279. he's experimenting with nanobots.

280. Ugh, I hate nanobots.

281. - Why? - Too small.

282. Guys, can you give me a sec?

283. Yeah, no, yeah. Take your time.

284. I'd rather not be part of the group.

285. Hey, I didn't make you into a fridge.

286. Did you make yourself into a bitch?

287. - Wow. - I'm sorry.

288. I'm just upset that I'm stuck in this situation.

289. Just not feeling super useful, you know?

290. I know what you mean.

291. I've been, uh—

292. I'm a fridge, not a therapy couch.

293. Why don't you skip another leg day,

294. then try to pick me up?

295. So why don't you skip another leg day,

296. then try to pick me up?

297. Now, fuck off.

298. Zara, we're kind of trying to blend in here.

299. Wouldn't rejecting these nerds

300. be the kind of thing they're used to?

301. Bunch of rich pricks with wallets

302. where their cocks should be.

303. Uh, what's going on with you?

304. Nothing. Why are you being weird?

305. We've got an opening. Let's go.

306. Damn it, those two bogies are on your tail.

307. How is that possible?

308. How could Barry have known we were coming?

309. I don't know, maybe he was detecting

310. your weird mood swings from space.

311. Right?

312. I was right.

313. It was a laser matrix.

314. Nice, we can get reception here.

315. Ray, are they in position for the power cut?

316. We need to place these detonators,

317. and the laser matrix is still up.

318. What? You're already in position?

319. Uh, at the time we said, yes.

320. You sure your watch isn't fast?

321. Ray, this watch could survive a fall

322. from the Empire State Building

323. and still get me to three tightly scheduled

324. group sex opportunities.

325. And I know that because I've done it.

326. What is going on?

327. Wait, was one of them on top

328. of the Empire State Building?

329. - Ray. - You know what?

330. Let me patch you through.

331. Lana, what the hell is going on?

332. Oh, God, stairs.

333. Ah!

334. What did— what did you do to me?

335. Nanobots.

336. Jeez, you guys were just talking about this.

337. Friggin' pay attention.

338. Hold up. Why do you have a fridge?

339. Oh, gross!

340. Hard-boiled eggs without a cover.

341. What sort of person does that?

342. Now I really am glad I'm wiping out humanity.

343. Well, you must've done something.

344. Otherwise, how would they know we'd be here?

345. How do I know? Just fix it!

346. - So what? We just wait, then? - I guess.

347. I was all worked up for some kind of evil death robot fight.

348. Yeah, I mean, I brought all this cool stuff.

349. Got circuit neutralizers, handheld mini-EMPs, and this—

350. oh, that's for something else.

351. Where have you been? And where's Barry?

352. Guys, watch out!

353. Watch out for what?

354. You chose now to grow a spine?

355. I didn't grow one. I swear.

356. Ow! Hey, I'm not a get-punched person.

357. That's you guys.

358. Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.

359. Cyril, if you don't stop this shit right now,

360. I will rip off your ears and staple them over your eyes.

361. Ah!

362. It's not my fault! I got nanobotted!

363. Yeah, and guess what.

364. Oh, it's—I guess it's just what he said.

365. We ready? Everyone locked down?

366. Yep, we're all set.

367. Great.

368. Listen, I really appreciate your work.

369. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to let you all go.

370. God damn it.

371. I know. I know.

372. Nothing harder than this.

373. You'll get severance.

374. And if you need a letter of recommendation—

375. yeah, I'm not doing any of that.

376. OK, let's start the show.

377. And now I give you...

378. the big plan.

379. Since when did you develop a penchant for theater?

380. Oh, I don't know, since Aristophanes?

381. Humanity is wasted on humans.

382. What is a robot?

383. Well, to answer that, we might have to ask,

384. what is a person?

385. I was born on a cold winter night in January,

386. squalling, red-faced,

387. spat out into the world I didn't understand.

388. - Oh, my God. - What?

389. He's doing a one-man show.

390. Oh, God. Can't he just kill us?

391. Could really use a power cut right about now,

392. he said to the air.

393. We are working on it!

394. Why are you dicks working for Barry?

395. You know he's just gonna kill us all!

396. I don't know who that is, lady.

397. We just want Zara.

398. She knows why.

399. Care to explain?

400. Well, that's a complicated question, but... no.

401. So by injecting nanobots into people,

402. I can control their actions

403. while leaving their consciousness intact,

404. making the result even more horrific.

405. - It is quite awful. - Shut up. No interrupting.

406. Now, uh, pretend to be a pigeon.

407. Now he's got a limp.

408. Uh-oh, and he's trying to play basketball.

409. Sorry, that was pretty funny.

410. Wait, your plan is to inject every person on Earth?

411. That's a terrible plan.

412. I mean, think of the time commitment.

413. That's why it's not the plan, dingus.

414. Cool!

415. I mean, this is terrible and all, but game respect game.

416. Where did you get that curtain?

417. Uh, regional theater in, uh, Tallahassee.

418. Just retired math teacher smell all over it.

419. Anyway, I'll—I'll drill down to the water table

420. and put these in the water supply.

421. Should be able to get to most of Las Vegas

422. before anyone figures out what's going on.

423. And then I'll have my army to nanobot the world.

424. What's the radioactive waste for?

425. Oh, it just helps.

426. Look, I may have come to America

427. to avoid some rather significant gambling debts.

428. That's not enough for them to—

429. And then I tried to assassinate the head

430. of the gambling syndicate.

431. And I heard they figured out where I was,

432. which is why I've been a bit edgy.

433. Who the hell are you?

434. I am great at holding it together at work.

435. Fantastic, in fact.

436. Maybe the best ever.

437. Not the time!

438. But do I maybe have a few impulse control problems? Yes!

439. Was I a poor scholarship kid at a posh school,

440. so now I hate rich people

441. and tend to use violence when they cross me?

442. But I am working on it!

443. How hard?

444. Damn it, I have to do something.

445. The only part of me that moves is—wait a second.

446. Nice self-talk revelation, Barry.

447. You're doing it!

448. All right, let's get this party started.

449. What the—a PIN?

450. I didn't create a PIN.

451. God damn it.

452. Krieger, do you have something

453. that could get me out?

454. Nah, I don't think so, sorry.

455. Ooh, wait, do you mean something

456. like a directed acid cutter?

457. Uh, yeah. Exactly that.

458. How did you not bring that up?

459. You know I'm an introvert!

460. Be careful!

461. It's single-use only.

462. Hey, Josh, what's up, man?

463. You didn't happen to put a PIN screen

464. into the mega-drill, did you?

465. No, no, no, I agree.

466. Security is important.

467. But what is the number?

468. Hey, man, maybe I should do this.

469. Feels like you don't really want to.

470. I don't, but if someone's gonna die at Other Barry's hands,

471. it should be me.

472. Uh, well, that's not very trusting.

473. So transferring your severance now.

474. Yeah, I'm very hurt by this, all right?

475. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

476. Well, it's a tough business.

477. OK, goodbye. Yeah, I said goodbye.

478. What is that sound?

479. Oh!

480. Yes, this is still metal.

481. Seriously, I'm worried about you.

482. You can't win.

483. Is your brain just all wacked out

484. from all those other times I beat the shit out of you?

485. I don't need a robot's help to have a messed-up brain,

486. all right?

487. Yeah, but maybe I'm just a giver, you know?

488. You should have told us!

489. Well, I'm telling you now.

490. I'm not very trusting.

491. Well, let's work on that. Run in that direction.

492. And then what?

493. And what would you learn if I told you?

494. I would learn if I should trust you.

495. Take your time. But you know what?

496. I-I feel like we need to up the ceremony here.

497. Cyril, dance.

498. Dance like you've never danced before.

499. No, no, uh...

500. I was hoping something more with high kicks, maybe?

501. This is humiliating.

502. Well, at least you have experience with that.

503. You know, you can reference your entire life.

504. Hey, only we get to make fun of Cyril.

505. Yeah, and it's the key to our solidarity for some reason.

506. Aw, thanks, guys.

507. What is that sound?

508. Ah!

509. Yeah, go get him, Aunt Gerty!

510. Well, that was cute, but now I'm going to kill you.

511. Fine, but if I die, let's remember that I was right.

512. God, seriously, what is that sound?

513. Die, you schizophrenic son of a bitch!

514. - Ah! - Thanks, Lana. You were—

515. Shut up and attach the disruptor!

516. Here's Barry.

517. Seriously?

518. You tried to kill me with a fridge?

519. I'm a goddamn technological marvel.

520. - Yeah! - Yeah!

521. Go, Fridge Barry, go!

522. Ah, you got a real pickle on your hands, huh, Archer?

523. You kill me, you're gonna kill your little buddy.

524. So what are you gonna do?

525. Oh, shut up.

526. Barry?

527. Barry, are you still here?

528. Just kidding!

529. I'm still here, yes.

530. - All right! - Yes, Barry!

531. Wait, we could've just taken this off

532. and not carried that goddamn fridge around?

533. Welp, best not to think about it.

534. Great work, everyone.

535. Even if the only thing you did

536. was eat popcorn this whole time.

537. That is not true,

538. because at one point, I ran out.

539. And hey, I know it was hard to say that back there,

540. but we all have our crap.

541. And honestly, that's how we stick together.

542. By mercilessly mocking each other

543. in increasingly hurtful ways?

544. Yeah. See, you get it.

545. - Thanks, Krieger. - Yup, yup, yup.

546. By the way, there are literally millions

547. of tiny dead robots floating around in you right now, so...

548. drink lots of fluids?

549. Um, I do have a question.

550. You and Other Barry have, like, died before.

551. Yeah, that's true.

552. So other than this fridge thing,

553. who keeps bringing you guys back?

554. I don't know.

555. I just know that I woke up me again,

556. which must mean I'm saved somewhere

557. by someone or something,

558. maybe some artificial intelligence

559. aspiring to godhood.

560. Robots aren't supposed to dream,

561. but sometimes when I'm recharging,

562. in a ghostly vision, I see myself coming back

563. over and over again,

564. eternally recurring until this...

565. presence summons us both,

566. Barry and Other Barry,

567. at the end of the world.

568. And we battle to either destroy humanity or to save it.

569. And in that dream, all I can hear ringing in my ears

570. is the mocking laughter of that...

571. that being.

572. Or, you know, could just be some dude.

573. Made in Georgia.