Archer 14x3

1. - How can you say that? - Pretty easily.

2. I push the air out of my throat into words.

3. Is that how talking works?

4. Hello.

5. Huh, it is just pushing out air!

6. All I'm saying is, wearing that suit looks like

7. you're always wearing a little costume to work.

8. - Little? - Yeah.

9. Like those kids that wear capes to school.

10. Do you know how much this costs?

11. Ugh. I mean, I feel like

12. I'm paying for it with this conversation.

13. Okay, you know what? Meeting over!

14. Or meeting not over,

15. since the meeting isn't even about that.

16. - It is now! - It is not.

17. This is the—

18. The party house that I suggested we buy?

19. Finally!

20. No, and please don't guess again.

21. This is the English museum that just hired us.

22. This artifact, one of the 13 Golden Plaques,

23. is being transferred between museums.

24. We've been hired to protect it.

25. From who, highwaymen?

26. There have been some museum thefts recently,

27. so this is an easy chance for us to be the good guys

28. and get paid doing it.

29. And perfect timing to use the accent

30. Zara's helped me work on.

31. Hold on, is that why you've been

32. shouting things at me in a bad English accent?

33. "Bad"?

34. Cup of tea, guvnor!

35. Bit of a sticky wicket!

36. Fish and chips and all that.

37. Offensive. You're lucky I like you.

38. Otherwise, that would be the last air

39. your throat ever pushed out.

40. It doesn't count as offensive

41. when it's from a really white country.

42. You... don't get to decide that.

43. What if I talked like this

44. 'bout burgers and fries on the farm with Uncle Cletus?

45. Wait, you know Pam's Uncle Cletus?

46. I'm from Wisconsin.

47. But he does sound like that.

48. Massive "anyway," it doesn't matter,

49. because Pam's not going.

50. What? Why not?

51. Because you have to stay here to do the 3490s.

52. Ha! Pam has to clean the bathrooms.

53. No, they're assessment forms.

54. For the new employees.

55. Your HR duties?

56. Because you said you could balance both jobs?

57. Damn it. I knew my own words

58. would be used against me.

59. So I'll be going.

60. Hmm. Sure you're ready, Lana?

61. You've been out of the field

62. for, what, three whole minutes?

63. Yes, and also, shut up.

64. We don't need a chaperone, and I speak for Zara too.

65. Firstly, I wouldn't even let you speak for me

66. if I had a stroke and you were

67. the only person who could translate my blinks.

68. Good call.

69. He wouldn't get your accent right.

70. Secondly, I don't mind Ms. Kane going.

71. I thrive being in the field

72. with other strong female agents.

73. Wow, that self-adulation

74. just blended right in with the sucking up, didn't it?

75. Sort of how your chlamydia blends in with your syphilis.

76. Look, I'll just be coming along

77. to show the museum how seriously we take this job.

78. And because

79. the museum curator is on the board

80. of that fancy private school you want AJ to get into!

81. Thank you, Cheryl.

82. You're welcome!

83. Jesus, all of this

84. for an artifact I could fit into my pants?

85. Why is that your unit of measurement?

86. Better than the metric system.

87. The museum takes artifact protection very seriously,

88. hence us being paid to be here.

89. Apparently they're losing a ton of stuff in transit because—

90. huh, it doesn't say why.

91. But anyway, that's why we're here.

92. She said, not finding it suspicious

93. that a government-funded museum

94. is keeping secrets about the artifacts.

95. I assure you this museum transfer

96. is all very legitimate.

97. I'm Clarissa, the museum curator.

98. I'll be driving the truck

99. to accompany you with the artifact,

100. and I'll be right with you.

101. What a snob.

102. Did you see the way she spoke to me?

103. She was hitting that posh accent so hard

104. it should file charges.

105. Yeah, I feel like that's not

106. what just happened in those three sentences.

107. And aren't your accents the same?

108. They sound exactly the same, right?

109. No, they don't!

110. We shouldn't bring her.

111. She'll mess up everything,

112. then blame it on her taxes being too high.

113. I don't know, take off her glasses

114. and she's a British eight,

115. which is an American five but a Canadian ten.

116. She knows about the artifact, which is an asset,

117. and she'll see up close how good we are at our jobs.

118. Since parents who do well have

119. Abernathy kids who do even better!

120. Oh, I'm grateful for your help, Lana.

121. And the Abernathy board will love this.

122. Well, that's a nice bonus

123. but, of course, not why we do this.

124. I don't love this side of you.

125. The Golden Plaques have been on museum display for years.

126. But this one being transported is believed to be cursed.

127. Curse? What kind of curse?

128. Probably the dumb, made-up kind

129. since curses are dumb and made up.

130. Don't make fun of a curse, Archer.

131. Oh, my God, Zara believes in curses!

132. Wait, you hired us to protect you from a curse?

133. No, no.

134. But the plaque is not meant to be touched with bare hands.

135. Classic curse rules.

136. I can't believe you made fun of my suits

137. when this is way stupider.

138. The plaque is being moved to off-site storage,

139. and items have been stolen from museums recently,

140. likely the work of a smuggler, Ibadan Peters.

141. So cursed or not, we want to keep it in safe hands.

142. I want it on record I don't like curses.

143. Or ghosts. Or hoodoo.

144. Oh, God, you're one of those.

145. Such a Capricorn thing to say.

146. Ugh, you guys are making a great team.

147. Starting the old HR duties again

148. is kinda getting me excited.

149. You mean the head of HR job

150. that you were supposed to be doing this whole time?

151. Come on, who even knows who's supposed to do what?

152. You, as the head of HR!

153. Here are the employees to assess.

154. Ah, shitsnacks. When did we get so many?

155. Again, something you should know!

156. If it helps, I did my own personal assessment

157. based on who'd be most useful in an apocalypse.

158. - They'd all be food. - Great start!

159. Everybody gets five points for being edible.

160. It's not about free points.

161. All the employees deserve a chance

162. to improve their performance,

163. so you need to assess them honestly.

164. Okay, well, Cyril gets an F.

165. Oh, my God, that's how I marked him!

166. F, for food.

167. Think about it: if I said I was done drinking,

168. then started drinking a week later,

169. what would that make me?

170. A more functioning alcoholic?

171. That's right, a hypocrite.

172. That's what you are, Lana.

173. Could you not say that next to the woman

174. who could get our daughter into one of America's

175. - top prep schools? - Fine.

176. I can talk about Miss Zara "Anything for the Mission"

177. Whatever-Her-Last-Name-Is.

178. Why start that kind of insult if you don't know

179. - my last name? - I don't know.

180. Why are you so afraid of a fake curse?

181. We'll see who's laughing

182. when you cough up blood.

183. Uh, pretty sure it will still be me.

184. Wait, can you laugh

185. and cough up blood at the same time?

186. You know, many of the staff members

187. at the museum believe in the curse.

188. In the same way this country believes

189. it was part of winning World War II?

190. Archer.

191. Actually, I find it refreshing

192. to meet someone who isn't afraid of superstitions

193. and fantasies.

194. Oh, I'm not afraid of much, but that doesn't mean

195. I don't believe in other kinds of fantasies.

196. - Archer! - I mean, truck sex isn't

197. really one of them, but if the windows are tinted,

198. I don't mind, mm, you know—

199. Jesus, Archer, shut up!

200. Someone is on the roof of the truck.

201. There are highwaymen!

202. No, it must be the smuggler!

203. But I can't stop the truck.

204. We're right along the cliff's edge.

205. Zara, let's get onto the truck.

206. Good lord, that was incredible!

207. Did you see what they just did?

208. Okay, take it easy. It was fine.

209. Incredible would be climbing out of this non-tinted window

210. and onto the top of the truck.

211. So are you going to—

212. Well, yeah. I guess I have to now.

213. This does not belong in a museum.

214. Whoa!

215. Really thinking this route might not have been worth it.

216. - Oi! - Oh. Hey there, little—

217. Oh, come on.

218. I just climbed all the way up there.

219. And how is that little kid so strong?

220. Good job, Half-Pint.

221. Quick, grab the kid!

222. Wait, we can't fight a kid.

223. Then get the plaque.

224. So are you agreeing or—

225. Could she drive a little smoother?

226. It's not her fault.

227. It's the wrong side of the road.

228. Not for her!

229. U, yeah, not fighting him.

230. Does this even count as a fight?

231. Can you not remember

232. from your field work last month?

233. Is now the time?

234. I don't know, Lana. It might be.

235. Wait, wait, wait! You can't touch it.

236. For the last time, curses aren't—

237. Ow! What the hell just happened?

238. Was this kid crouching? Who does that?

239. I really don't think bolas are supposed to work like that.

240. What the hell kind of smuggler was that?

241. Did he dislocate your shoulder?

242. No!

243. Was it the curse?

244. Again, no.

245. It was the child.

246. Oh, this is so exciting!

247. A truck fight while I was driving!

248. That is one word for what you were doing.

249. I feel so powerful.

250. This might be the first time I've ever felt alive.

251. Museum curation and being on a children's school board

252. isn't as glamorous as you might think.

253. Luckily, the plaque is still in safe hands

254. or safe pants.

255. You're proud you put

256. a centuries-old cursed artifact in your pants?

257. I'm not not proud.

258. About that bad guy, Peters doesn't seem

259. to fit the classic profile.

260. And the kid was weird, right?

261. I know! Who has a child sidekick?

262. And where can I get one?

263. - AJ! - No.

264. Did I not mention all the artifacts

265. Ibadan Peters wants are from Nigeria?

266. And that he takes issue

267. with them not being returned to his country?

268. But you said this was all legit.

269. It is.

270. Those artifacts belong to us now.

271. For goodness' sake,

272. we've had them for generations.

273. Ah, yes, the law of finders keepers.

274. Wait, is that the law here?

275. Because I just found this beer, and...

276. It's warm!

277. Regardless of his intent,

278. Ibadan Peters was stealing museum property,

279. and you kept the plaque safe.

280. And we love to see cooperation within an Abernathy family.

281. Right, right, right, right. Of course.

282. We can wait here

283. for the museum to send a new truck.

284. And in the meantime, I'd love to speak with you privately

285. on the danger of your exciting work.

286. I mean, yeah. Sure.

287. You think that's the first time I've climbed

288. out of a moving truck and fought a child?

289. - Actually, it might be. - Maybe you could take me

290. to one of the rooms above the pub and tell me more.

291. Or show me.

292. Wait, you're saying there are rooms above bars here?

293. I thought that was just a myth.

294. Are Hobbits real?

295. - Huh? - I was thinking,

296. it seems unfair of me

297. to not let you as senior employees

298. also have a say in these assessments.

299. Pam! You haven't started?

300. I started to start, but it's so boring

301. compared to fieldwork.

302. Come on, Cyril, you're the one

303. that's all wet for being a good employer.

304. Oh, please don't say it like that.

305. Cheryl, you love judging people.

306. You would think that.

307. And Krieger, I mean,

308. what are you even doing right now?

309. Shh! Look, if I don't tell you,

310. then he can't hurt you.

311. I mean, it can't hurt you.

312. - I mean, nothing! - Great.

313. Then we can split these up so I won't blow my brains out.

314. All I wanted was to get my daughter into a good school,

315. and now Archer's upstairs probably ruining

316. the whole reason I took this stupid job.

317. I thought you took this job for us to "be the good guys."

318. Yeah, I did. It was both.

319. But now we're obviously on the side of the...

320. Stuff-takers.

321. You can say "colonizers."

322. And you must've known that when you took the job

323. working for an English museum.

324. We almost exclusively have things from other countries.

325. Okay, I knew

326. but kinda wanted to pretend I didn't.

327. I mean, it's just how the world works.

328. - But does it have to? - No, not have to, but—

329. Pays you to and gives you New York private school perks?

330. - Huh. - Can I speak frankly with you?

331. - Have you not already been? - Here's where you messed up.

332. You took this job for personal benefit

333. but chose to ignore an obvious morality issue,

334. you let an unhinged rich idiot come along

335. and gave her the power to tell us what to do,

336. and we're dealing with some kind of curse

337. likely eating our insides away as we speak.

338. - Um... - And really, this was all

339. to get something you wanted.

340. No, not for me. For my daughter.

341. So you're saying that despite trying to run

342. a morally good agency, I'm morally bankrupt.

343. What? No! I'm saying I wish

344. Skanky Poppins up there would just—

345. Stop! Wait. There has to be an explanation.

346. This never happens.

347. - I'm sure it doesn't. - Lana, tell her.

348. Tell her I'm never not able to perform.

349. Uh, yeah, I would, but no part of me wants to.

350. You're touching the plaque with your hands.

351. - You're cursed! - Yes!

352. Oh, thank God. It's the curse.

353. So I'll just get rid of this thing,

354. and we go back upstairs and, you know...

355. You idiot!

356. Why would you—hold on.

357. Where's the museum tag?

358. It was attached when we packed it.

359. The curse must've burned it away.

360. Oh, my God, Archer,

361. that's not even how curses work.

362. Don't make fun of the curse, Zara!

363. - It's real. - Wait.

364. The gold doesn't go all the way through.

365. - It's paint. - And no museum tags means...

366. The curse causes flaccidity and fake gold.

367. No, it means Ibadan must've

368. swapped the plaque out with a replica.

369. - He's got the real one. - Oh, God!

370. But this one can still be cursed too, right?

371. Right?

372. I can't believe you let this happen!

373. Ibadan Peters got away with the real plaque!

374. I don't understand.

375. You believe in something so much,

376. and then it lets you down.

377. Then it all feels like a lie.

378. - Is he talking about— - Not the plaque

379. and instead his un-erect dick?

380. Hey, too soon, Lana.

381. You have to find Ibadan Peters!

382. He's likely at the nearest port escaping with the plaque.

383. Get there now and arrest him!

384. Uh, okay, we don't arrest people

385. because we're technically not law enforcement.

386. Or nontechnically, technically.

387. Plus, we were hired to protect the plaque.

388. It seems like this guy wants the same thing

389. but just disagrees with you on the how.

390. And after this little snafu,

391. you apprehending Ibadan will look really good to the museum

392. and the school board.

393. Do you understand what I mean?

394. Well, you're pretty much just directly saying it,

395. so yes, if you catch my drift.

396. - Good. - Wait!

397. You should come with us, since you like

398. all the danger and excitement.

399. There might be another fight.

400. A really sexy fight.

401. Oh! This is so sad.

402. And then you and me can just try this whole thing again

403. so you can see that it was all just the curse.

404. Definitely just the curse. Not me.

405. I'm all right.

406. There's no reason to be nervous, man.

407. These assessments are just a way

408. to help you with your goals.

409. So what exactly are your goals?

410. - Oh, um... - They could be anything.

411. Not just office shit.

412. Like, I used to really want to be in the field.

413. I mean, HR is great, but when you're out there,

414. something else takes over.

415. And when you're wailing on somebody,

416. there's nothing quite like bashing their head in

417. and seeing parts of their brain scatter across the floor!

418. Now that's how you get inside someone's head!

419. I feel like I'm not describing it right.

420. Hold on. I'll draw you a picture.

421. All your data entry here is up-to-date.

422. Ah? Get it? Date-ah?

423. You'll come to know me as the office jokester.

424. This is going really well, huh?

425. It is, right?

426. 'Cause you can say if it's not because—

427. Look, I'm not saying he'll definitely hurt everyone.

428. I'm just saying that this agency cutting my budget

429. will only hurt the entire office

430. in ways you won't even comprehend

431. until it's too late.

432. Aww, don't be afraid.

433. He will smell that.

434. Anyway, you're interested in science division!

435. So do you just wanna be a lab rat,

436. or do you aspire to more things?

437. Do you do anything other than answer phones,

438. not exercise, and only eat meats and cheeses?

439. Then you get a D for delicious!

440. All right. We've been at it for a while.

441. I mean, we've gotta be about done, right?

442. Why is this stack so big

443. and the ones we've done is so small?

444. Did we only do one each?

445. Technically, mine fainted, so I'm still at zero.

446. But it's been two hours?

447. How is that possible?

448. Oh, my God!

449. Does that mean I can go home?

450. There they are

451. So are we tying them up

452. or killing them or—

453. Jesus, Zara!

454. Oh, now you have a moral red line.

455. Working for a museum is way different

456. - than killing kids. - Which part?

457. The part where you kill a kid!

458. We're not killing them.

459. We might need them to break the curse

460. that's been unceremoniously put on me.

461. And also, neither of them are really that bad,

462. and one's a child.

463. Sure. Yeah. We've all got reasons.

464. Jesus.

465. Where was this kid trained?

466. Stop. We're not doing that.

467. This curse has already taken too much.

468. Voles?

469. Why'd it have to be voles?

470. Is that something you run into a lot?

471. Museum tags and all.

472. I sent our location to Clarissa,

473. and the police should be here soon.

474. Stop, stop, stop. You don't understand.

475. The museum will keep the plaque locked away in storage

476. rather than return it to my country.

477. I'm just doing what is right.

478. Really? You clearly kidnapped

479. this poor child and forced him into a life of crime.

480. I weren't kidnapped, Miss!

481. Ibadan adopted me from a life on the streets

482. and taught me about the importance

483. of a country's culture.

484. Huh. That's kinda noble.

485. So we're just skating over

486. this kid constantly being in harm's way?

487. I mean, I can drop it.

488. I just don't know where the line is.

489. Neither do I, Zara!

490. More importantly, you need to remove the curse

491. from any...

492. Body parts it may have impacted.

493. The curse of the plaque?

494. It will be broken when the plaque is returned

495. to Nigeria, which I want to do.

496. Great, so we're letting him go, right?

497. We're all agreed? And done.

498. Whoa, hey. Wait a minute.

499. Lana, this is bigger than you!

500. And I've gotta say, I don't love the idea

501. of this adorable urchin going to jail.

502. I mean, yes, the plaque should be returned to Nigeria.

503. With the curse! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

504. - But you did steal it. - Oh, please.

505. You know, you Americans, you like to take your time

506. sitting on the fence, don't you?

507. Will you shut up? I'm trying to help you.

508. Or you are wasting time

509. before the cops come to arrest me.

510. - Is that what you're doing? - No!

511. Hey, there's no time for this.

512. He's probably the reason our organs are shriveling away.

513. - What? - So we are killing them?

514. Ugh, I can't believe

515. I actually miss the office right now.

516. All right, team, here we go. Everybody listen up, okay?

517. Do not include me in this.

518. We realized that it's unfair of us...

519. I'm not part of this.

520. To judge and assess all of you.

521. It doesn't make us good bosses.

522. Oh, God.

523. So we all decided the best judge is...

524. yourself!

525. So you'll self-evaluate.

526. But sign my name at the bottom to make clear

527. that you're also your own HR rep.

528. You're all your own me!

529. And you're all getting raises.

530. What the hell, Pam?

531. Lana just gave everyone raises. We can't afford to do it again.

532. Oh, well, it's probably someone's job

533. to let everyone know that bummer news, right?

534. Yes, it's the head of HR's job.

535. Oh, look! It's Beauregard.

536. Hey, buddy. You have something to say?

537. Cyril's got a tiny squid's dick.

538. Beauregard!

539. Sorry. He's going through some stuff.

540. And that's for the curse!

541. This is meant to be a fake fight.

542. Yeah, but it has to look real.

543. I'm cursed, not anemic.

544. Oh, that was better!

545. Wait, wait, wait, that is a lot of police.

546. What if they shoot? It'll ruin the plan.

547. Oh, the UK police don't carry—

548. What the hell?

549. Well, 90% of UK police

550. don't carry guns, and it looks like there's ten of them,

551. so numbers-wise, one would have a gun.

552. Oops! Uh, sorry.

553. I was aiming for the bad guy.

554. Sure.

555. Not the time!

556. That was you trying to knock me out?

557. Come on, there's only so much performance I can give here.

558. I was not trying to knock you out.

559. I just needed you in position.

560. Ow!

561. Ha! He got me again.

562. That kid is a damn genius.

563. Oh, you can laugh and cough up blood at the same time.

564. Ow!

565. I knew it.

566. Wait! I have the plaque.

567. And he'll pay for stealing it!

568. Arrest him!

569. Wait, you're not supposed to be the one driving.

570. You're a kid!

571. Hit the gas, Half-Pint!

572. No, no, no! Did he escape?

573. You should go after him!

574. Looks like he's gone through, innit?

575. Eh, get him next time.

576. Fish and chips and all that.

577. I believe our job was to keep the plaque safe,

578. and now it is.

579. My team and I can go after Ibadan

580. if that's what the museum wants.

581. No, no, you did your job. Thank you.

582. I suppose this adventure got me a little carried away.

583. There are perhaps certain parts of this

584. that could stay between us.

585. Like you trying to turn this into a capture mission

586. or like you trying to bang a guy

587. who side-piped an artifact?

588. Right.

589. Completely unrelated,

590. I do look forward to welcoming AJ

591. to Abernathy in the autumn.

592. Seems like a fair trade-off.

593. There are very few things America does well,

594. but the Abernathy school is one of them.

595. Huh. She is patronizing.

596. Good thing Ibadan had another reproduction.

597. That one gets locked away, and the real one goes home.

598. You made the right call. The curse is broken

599. thanks to two strong female agents

600. working together to overcome

601. one agent's willful moral blindness.

602. Wait a second.

603. No, thank you.

604. You know, thinking about it,

605. that guy probably made up the curse

606. so he could get to the plaque, which means I was right,

607. which means curses aren't real!

608. Ha!

609. Which means you're impotent.

610. Never mind.

611. Made in Georgia.