Archer 14x1

1. Forward to HR.

2. Hmm, not quite.

3. Fix section two and bring it to my office.

4. Open door policy.

5. Tell them no, and swear a lot.

6. I expect foulness and creativity.

7. Hey, how was your weekend? Do not care.

8. Where's the booze?

9. I'm sure you're capable

10. of finding a drink on your own.

11. Come on. Where would I find—

12. I'll consider this an apology.

13. Wow, you guys actually look pretty good.

14. Thank you for noticing.

15. I am on a new fitness regimen.

16. I've been practicing on the range.

17. Didn't practice the spinning, though,

18. which I thought would be easier.

19. And I feel like there's only a 10% chance

20. I'll attack my coworkers' eyes

21. with stainless steel kebab skewers.

22. I mean, you should really be at zero.

23. - Now it's up to 20. - Ah!

24. Eh, still pretty good.

25. All right, back to basics here.

26. Missions that make us money

27. and make the world a better place.

28. No muss, no waste.

29. That certainly explains these guys.

30. You, uh, ready for us to start?

31. Yep, we're all about efficiency,

32. so you can start now.

33. So this "no waste" thing, Lana.

34. How does that jive with your office remodel?

35. It's part of my new philosophy, true transparency.

36. The walls of my office will be glass.

37. Isn't it a contradiction for a spy agency

38. to be so transparent?

39. - No! - Why not?

40. Because shut up!

41. I mean, that's not really constructive right now, Cyril.

42. Nice save.

43. I don't think anyone noticed.

44. Could you keep it...

45. Down for just a minute

46. until the briefing is over?

47. Mission one of our new era.

48. The Vanguard is a crew of international jewel thieves.

49. Ex-Special Forces.

50. Highly organized.

51. They have stolen billions.

52. Who cares about shiny rocks?

53. Unless...

54. Are we working for magpies? - Ray?

55. Y'all, this is our trial to work with Interpol.

56. One of their agents is asking us for the assist.

57. Wow. Interpol!

58. This could really put us on the map,

59. and that map is of Paris, France, Europe.

60. Nice! Who thinks I can eat

61. a whole baguette without chewing?

62. Bets on the table. Odds are two to one.

63. - Nah. - Pass.

64. - No. - Obviously you can.

65. Oh, right, you guys saw that one.

66. Pretty impressive, and it did make

67. for an entertaining funeral brunch.

68. Pam, with all the new hires,

69. I need you here to keep an eye on HR.

70. But Paris! And—

71. Sorry, thought I had it. Didn't have it.

72. But come on!

73. I can do both at the same time.

74. Just like solemnly paying your last respects

75. and inhaling carbs.

76. Exactly. Thank you.

77. I'll do HR stuff from the phone over there.

78. Ugh, all right.

79. Pam, you'll go with Archer and Ray.

80. Uh, I like Paris.

81. Yeah, I need you here to get Accounting up to speed.

82. Pam gets to go.

83. Yeah, but we like her.

84. Okay. We get this right,

85. and we'll have all the Interpol work we can eat.

86. It's all a part of our new beginning.

87. And with that, continue.

88. And in the interest of new beginnings,

89. maybe we keep this to ourselves.

90. Don't worry, Lana.

91. He was probably just gasping at your progressive leadership.

92. B-b-b-body!

93. No, it was the body.

94. Why does everyone stand up?

95. It's not like we're going anywhere.

96. You're standing up.

97. Otherwise, I'll lose my spot.

98. Look at me like that again,

99. and I'll slap you like a Huguenot.

100. Dude, you need to chill.

101. The wine they have in France is l'amazing.

102. Uh, yeah, this stuff's from Quebec,

103. and I think it's made from beaver squeezins.

104. Ah, the French.

105. Where's the romance, the intrigue?

106. Spies do not fly coach!

107. But they do apparently yell about how they're spies.

108. Misdirection, everyone!

109. Who's this Interpol douche anyway?

110. All it said was "Agent Z."

111. Probably some washed-up hack,

112. a bureaucratic mushroom feeding

113. on the decaying corpse of Europe,

114. giving come-hither looks to his—

115. - Shotgun! - Shotgun!

116. Ah, damn it!

117. Zara Khan, Interpol.

118. We weren't expecting someone with your profile

119. or bone structure.

120. Well, it's a blessing and a curse.

121. Uh, what's the curse?

122. Pretending there's a curse part.

123. L'zing.

124. So you are officially independent consultants

125. joining me on a fact-finding mission.

126. And unofficially?

127. Unofficially, I'd recommend a more modern hairstyle.

128. Double zing!

129. I would, but I'd be arrested

130. by the U.S. Park Service

131. for desecrating a national treasure.

132. Uh, you in a hurry here?

133. Always.

134. Wait, what are we doing?

135. Like I said, fact-finding.

136. We're just chasing down a lead.

137. Ah!

138. Jesus. Um, was it in that guy's skull?

139. Doesn't look like it,

140. but I bet there are more skulls in here.

141. Well, it's not one of mine.

142. Wait, what do you mean, "one of yours"?

143. Well, this one has the "right" number of heads,

144. and look at those hands.

145. Oh!

146. Zero embedded poison sacs.

147. Well, we're in luck.

148. The teeth are well-preserved.

149. Okay, cross-reference those with our dental records.

150. I don't know what that means.

151. I just think teeth are neat.

152. "Hey, bones, get back inside!"

153. "No!"

154. So we're calling the police, right,

155. since we're so above board now?

156. Yeah, this is an internal matter.

157. Internal, like my fingers in this dead guy's mouth.

158. Internal like I'm going to gently convince

159. and/or threaten the guy that saw this

160. so he forgets all about it.

161. Go get him.

162. I think he just walked in.

163. Well, that saves time.

164. Tell me where the Eye of the Serpent is!

165. Are we straight up robbing this guy?

166. He doesn't look like a cat burglar.

167. Because he's clearly a dog person.

168. - Don't say dog person! - Boom, got it in.

169. No, you did not.

170. Whoa, uh, guys.

171. If you don't tell me, it's your pinky or your pug.

172. Oh, Muffin!

173. Your choice.

174. I—I—I can't choose.

175. Guess it's both.

176. - 3, 2... - Oh, no! Oh, no! No!

177. I'll tell. I'll tell!

178. I wouldn't have shot the dog.

179. And the finger?

180. I've always thought ten is a lot.

181. Oh, mints.

182. This is a real roller coaster.

183. She knows how to handle herself, though.

184. I don't trust her. This whole thing is designed

185. to bond us to her through intense emotion.

186. You gotta fight it.

187. Jesus Christ, you worry too much.

188. That is famously not my problem.

189. Tell her!

190. He gets shot, like, all the time.

191. And safe sex? Forget it.

192. He is absolutely riddled with God knows what.

193. The doctors sure don't.

194. Good to know.

195. Do you think she likes me?

196. You're pathetic.

197. I've done all I can.

198. That's 3-inch glass that can only be opened

199. by the insurance company.

200. Bollocks.

201. Guess we should probably just give up.

202. Unless... did anyone bring a hypersonic punch?

203. Huh? What? Huh?

204. I guess I did!

205. You'll want to get behind something.

206. Is there any practical difference between

207. what we just did and blatant crime?

208. Mm, it's more the attitude.

209. Uh, spl—

210. Do not say it. I forbid it.

211. Sploosh.

212. I heard that!

213. And I am sorry you were privy to that internal discussion.

214. We try to keep things lighthearted.

215. Not a problem, though I have already informed everyone

216. about the body because of our stated values

217. of openness and transparency.

218. Cheryl!

219. Go get me some staples, please.

220. Oh! Wait, you're right.

221. Those will totally hurt more.

222. Thank you, Kurt.

223. I'm glad to hear you did that.

224. You are?

225. Obviously, because I'd already scheduled

226. a town hall where I'll be very happy

227. to hear everyone's concerns.

228. Uh-huh.

229. Does it bother you that Cheryl has

230. a kebab skewer holster?

231. Mm, not as much as it should.

232. All right, you need to tell us what's going on,

233. like, now, because—

234. Oh, she's got a little slide show.

235. Last week, the Vanguard stole a sculpture

236. called the Golden Dragon from a private collector.

237. This, the emerald we stole today,

238. was originally one of its eyes.

239. We steal the second tomorrow from the National Gallery.

240. Questions?

241. Um, feels more like a crime spree.

242. How does this get us to the Vanguard?

243. I've chased these guys for years.

244. They're impenetrable.

245. The only time they interact with outsiders

246. is when they recruit new members.

247. So we're basically rushing the Vanguard's fraternity?

248. No, thanks.

249. My doctor says I have to cut down on getting paddled,

250. or I'll develop something called "dead ass."

251. What?

252. Sorry my life's cooler than yours.

253. And Interpol is fine with this?

254. - In theory. - That means no.

255. Every time I've gotten close to these guys, they bolt.

256. We're pretty sure we have a mole,

257. which is why we hired you guys.

258. Let's all get some rest.

259. Today you were just back-up, but tomorrow is the real deal.

260. So we're turning her in to the cops, right?

261. If the French have cops

262. and not mimes with invisible guns.

263. What are you talking about?

264. Stealing jewels,

265. pretending there's a mole in Interpol

266. so we don't contact them.

267. She's obviously part of Vanguard

268. and even more obviously gonna double-cross us.

269. Okay, and you're sure you're not just saying that

270. because you're intimidated by her?

271. And she is not at all into you?

272. One, she's obviously into me,

273. because I can read the subtle art of reverse body language.

274. And two, I'm not into her.

275. You seem pretty worked up, bud.

276. Things will look better if you go have a glass of wine,

277. meditate, then gaze down at the Paris streets

278. while you rub one out.

279. That's what this gal is gonna do.

280. I mean, I wasn't gonna do that,

281. but I think I have new plans.

282. Yeah, you guys are probably right.

283. Maybe I am overreacting.

284. I'll just call it a night.

285. Misdirection.

286. God, I hate being right all the time.

287. Wait, no, I don't.

288. It's the best.

289. Ah, the perfect place to meet up

290. with your Vanguard buddies.

291. Mmm, mmm, wow.

292. Mmm, that's pretty good.

293. You should order that again.

294. Ah, the perfect place to...

295. Be backstabbed by your friends!

296. You what?

297. I said the first part over there.

298. Come on.

299. We're just hanging out.

300. Monsieur, une chaise?

301. Make it two, pal.

302. Wow, going pretty hard, huh?

303. Oh, you haven't seen me go hard.

304. I think a lot of ladies haven't seen you go hard.

305. Also, you just ordered two chairs.

306. Can you please keep it down?

307. Everybody's looking at us.

308. Look, Archer, you seemed pretty steamed,

309. so I figured I'd let you cool off.

310. But I just want to get to know you guys better.

311. Yeah, probably to probe for weaknesses.

312. Sure it's not about something else?

313. Yeah, they told me how someone

314. posing as an Interpol liaison kidnapped your child.

315. That must have been really hard.

316. Well, I guess it was diff— wait a second!

317. Why are you giving her information about my family?

318. And don't try to plumb my psychological depths,

319. because I assure you, I don't have any.

320. Pam, you're in contact with Lana.

321. What does she think of all this?

322. Um, I actually turned my phone off

323. to concentrate on the mission,

324. because I'm a professional.

325. Oh, boy.

326. HR won't respond to our complaints.

327. All we're asking is a simple workplace safety question.

328. How did the body get in the wall?

329. And how long has it been there?

330. Glad you asked.

331. Well, our working theory is

332. that the person in question was rehearsing

333. a one-man show of "The Cask of Amontillado"

334. that, hmm, got a little out of hand.

335. What? No, that is not what—

336. Or it was someone annoying we needed to get rid of.

337. Seriously?

338. For the love of God, Cheryl.

339. Yes, right, for the love of God.

340. Look, in the spirit of openness,

341. we don't know how the body got in the wall.

342. But you all signed a non-disclosure agreement

343. and a declaration that you might see

344. disturbing things at this job.

345. So let's all get back to work, okay?

346. - Screw you. - Ugh.

347. Come on.

348. Cyril, I need you to do

349. a thorough background check

350. on Interpol agent Zara Khan.

351. I think she's a mole.

352. I'm kind of busy, Archer.

353. Oh, I'm sorry.

354. Well, in that case, do it anyway!

355. Damn it, I said get the same one!

356. Now no one gets it.

357. So we're really following this obvious turncoat

358. into a situation that will probably get us killed?

359. And we're really gonna sit here and listen

360. to rhetorical questions?

361. It wasn't rhetorical.

362. Or was it?

363. Yeah, who's to say?

364. Look, if you're so worked up about it,

365. just run a background check on her.

366. Well, in fact, I did,

367. and she has a perfect record of arrests

368. on every case she's done, which is the perfect cover.

369. I say we kill her.

370. Come on. Let's go.

371. Sorry, hate to question you,

372. but should we maybe wait till it's closed?

373. It is. Private event.

374. So more security.

375. Just means more chances for us to make them look silly.

376. - Gotta love that moxie. - I'm a little rusty.

377. Moxie is French for "terrible decision," right?

378. Spoken like a man with moxie.

379. It's not called moxie in men.

380. It's called just being a man.

381. Oh, so it's called "double standard."

382. Pff, no, you don't call it that.

383. Man, what a shit show.

384. Who was this for, Gertrude Ederle?

385. Because I am swimming in this.

386. I mean, mine fits great.

387. Yours is okay. Mine is amazing.

388. I'm sorry, Archer.

389. I was just going by memory, and I guess in my mind...

390. - Here it comes. - You have a gut.

391. - You call this a gut? - Quiet!

392. And no! Honestly,

393. it's really impressive for someone your age.

394. Ray, Pam,

395. go to the rotunda and cause a diversion.

396. A big one.

397. Uh, in front of everybody?

398. Archer, come with me, and stay close

399. so I don't double-cross you.

400. Oh, sure, joke about the thing

401. you're actually gonna do.

402. That's convincing everybody.

403. Uh, looking a little green there, buddy.

404. I kind of have a thing about looking silly

405. in front of fancy people.

406. In high school, I was a waiter

407. at the nicest restaurant in town,

408. and it wasn't great.

409. Boy, you're never gonna amount to nothing,

410. you stay a fool.

411. Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

412. That was the nicest restaurant?

413. Well, it was a small, very shitty town.

414. Well, now you can purge yourself of your fear.

415. Embrace the chaos.

416. Well, whatever this is, at least it won't be...

417. the wedding reception of an archduke and a movie star!

418. Pam, I can't do this.

419. Come on. Nobody knows who you are.

420. Excuse-moi, didn't you win

421. the bronze medal in the giant slalom?

422. Sorry, I'm just a giant skiing fan.

423. My whole table is.

424. Everyone, everyone, look who I just met.

425. Nope, I'm leaving. Ow!

426. How dare you speak to me that way!

427. Come on, hit me.

428. I'm not ruining this wedding.

429. That's what you think.

430. You knave!

431. They're rich, not medieval.

432. person over PA: Attention! Attention!

433. All guards to the ballroom.

434. Okay.

435. You can see both exits from here.

436. Stay and keep watch.

437. Oh, so you can grab the jewel

438. and slip out like the snake you are?

439. How would a snake grab a jewel?

440. With its tongue, obviously.

441. They're prehensile.

442. Okay, I still have questions about how it crawls,

443. but I'm gonna go grab this thing instead.

444. You know nothing about nature,

445. and I'm coming with.

446. From here on out, I am attached to you.

447. Oh, what, like a male anglerfish?

448. Good reference, but I'm still mad.

449. Hey, who are you guys?

450. Oh, hey. I'm Officer Night.

451. You might be wondering my first name.

452. Officer? We are not officers.

453. Ooh.

454. First name, Good. "Good Night."

455. Oh, I don't think he gets it.

456. Well, smash and grab time.

457. That way! You lead!

458. There is no way I'm turning my back on you.

459. I would have gone left.

460. Ugh! Stop backseat escaping!

461. I don't care. Get it done!

462. Yeah, I'm on it. Hold on a sec.

463. Usually HR complaints don't involve a dead body,

464. a town hall to discuss the dead body,

465. and then a blatant lie involving Edgar Allan Poe.

466. Ouch!

467. I'm on the goddamn phone!

468. Oh, sorry, your Archdukeness.

469. I wouldn't worry about it.

470. It's not like violence against an archduke

471. ever led to something bad.

472. I'll come up with something for you, Lana.

473. If I wanted to be a career babysitter,

474. I would have majored in sociology

475. at a regional community college.

476. Fucking fix it!

477. Here you are, Ms. Arch—

478. Oh, my God, I'm Malory.

479. Sorry.

480. You know, systems of power—

481. Go print an invoice.

482. Huh?

483. Jeezy-petes!

484. Archer, we weren't hired by Interpol.

485. There's a zero instead of the "O."

486. It's a fake!

487. Interpol didn't hire us.

488. You did. - It's not what you think.

489. What I think is that you give me that emerald,

490. and I take you to the cops or mimes or whatever.

491. I'm afraid I can't do that.

492. I am not cleaning that up.

493. We're not so different, you and I.

494. Wait, I know how that sounds, but seriously.

495. You're the mole at Interpol.

496. "Intermole."

497. Damn it, it was right there.

498. You saw my record.

499. People at Interpol have been trying

500. to sabotage me because I make them look bad.

501. So I hired you personally to catch the Vanguard.

502. Then why were you buying us all drinks

503. and trying to find out personal stuff about us?

504. Because Interpol is Snore City,

505. and you guys are fun.

506. We do kind of rule.

507. But honestly, the real reason I hired you

508. is I just have to win.

509. And I knew you would come through.

510. I've got a motorcycle stashed on the stairwell.

511. Can I drive down the stairs on the motorcycle?

512. If you're okay with me sitting behind you.

513. I accept.

514. Oh, sorry. Uh, reflex.

515. No, no, no, I get it.

516. I mean, look at me.

517. Whoo-hoo-hoo, motorcycle!

518. Do you have to do that?

519. Let me answer your question with a whoo!

520. You know, we make a great team.

521. Hard to disagree.

522. I think if we take some time building up our trust level—

523. Then you're really gonna hate this.

524. Decoy! - Ah!

525. Okay, now I hate being right.

526. Excuse me.

527. Can I have your attention, please?

528. Well, first off,

529. I want to apologize for yesterday.

530. I really wish Cyril wouldn't have gone off script

531. and lied to you.

532. God damn it.

533. But you should all know

534. this is a spy organization.

535. We do dangerous work,

536. and that means you're gonna see some crazy-ass shit.

537. So while I will try to be as transparent as possible,

538. as transparent as possible

539. is not gonna be very transparent.

540. Well, that is not acceptable.

541. Hold up there, face-nuts.

542. The boss is talking.

543. Is this part of your assistant duties?

544. The only part of the job I like.

545. And let me tell you.

546. This will absolutely not be the most messed-up thing

547. you're gonna see here.

548. Want to leave? Go ahead.

549. Want to stay?

550. You just got a 5% raise.

551. Any questions?

552. Hey, Jim, do you have those quarterly reports?

553. Wow, Pam sure does know her shit.

554. Blame Cyril, tough love, raise.

555. So you still gonna do the glass walls?

556. Well, you know what they say.

557. People who live in glass houses are fucking morons.

558. As soon as she pretended not to be into me, I knew.

559. Traitor, god damn it.

560. These apologies from Pam and Ray

561. better be absolutely abject 360-degree tongue baths.

562. Hey, you made it.

563. I knew you would. - What—how—

564. what the— - It was the only move.

565. No time to explain, but we do need

566. to introduce you to someone.

567. This is Pavle.

568. Yeah, he's apparently with some sort of group

569. called, like, I want to say the Vanguard.

570. Did I get that right?

571. And he wants to talk to us

572. about maybe joining up.

573. And I think we, us thieves, should hear him out.

574. Oh, well, hello.

575. Whoa!

576. Ah!

577. Hi.

578. Made in Georgia.

579. Captioned by 3Play Media Enhanced by illuminate Hollywood