Archer 13x7

1. Which was tragically his final birthday.

2. And in intelligence news,

3. a manhunt is underway for members of the Agency,

4. a rogue spy agency linked to several international incidents

5. including the disappearance of Fabian Kingsworth,

6. CEO of IIA.

7. Information on the group is spotty,

8. but we do know they're led by this man, Cyril Figgis.

9. Oh, my God. Can you believe this?

10. I know. Even a penguin upstaged us.

11. No, they think you're in charge of me.

12. I'd maybe focus on the fact

13. that Fabian framed us and vanished.

14. On the bright side, it's almost impossible to find

15. a New York apartment on such short notice.

16. This isn't an apartment, Krieger,

17. it's an abandoned safehouse.

18. The bathroom's in the kitchen, the kitchen is the living room,

19. and our landlord is a literal cockroach.

20. So a New York City apartment.

21. Do you guys think our cute neighbor has a crush on me?

22. Scrawny, huge overbite, always scurrying around.

23. That's a sewer rat, and he has a brood of children.

24. Ew! He has kids?

25. Dealbreaker.

26. Stop with the sitcom sound effects.

27. - But it's so boring here.

28. Pam, I get that you are incapable of living

29. without extreme overstimulation and/or violence,

30. but we have bigger problems.

31. What? Where? I'll kill them.

32. Press that and see what happens.

33. Look, AJ's custody hearing is today

34. and I'd rather not show up and get nabbed.

35. Krieger, where are we on counter-surveillance?

36. All units, be advised, FBI and NSA inbound.

37. But that could be about anybody...

38. who they're looking for at our workplace, homes, and—

39. oh, no.

40. Why the feds got their panties in a wad?

41. We barely did shit.

42. Besides destabilizing a global finance center,

43. killing someone with a train, and robbing a literal bank?

44. People are so sensitive.

45. And this is weird. They're surveilling

46. all of our places except Ray's.

47. Oh, I don't know. Maybe he got nabbed

48. by any of the 50 agencies hunting us like dogs.

49. What if he flipped? Maybe he's tray-cherous.

50. Oh, wouldn't tray-tor have been—

51. A million times worse? Absolutely.

52. Who cares?

53. We're going to prison for life,

54. and we'll die in a cage.

55. Okay, hilarious as it is

56. to watch Cyril confront his mortality,

57. I have just now devised a plan to get Lana to the hearing,

58. you guys to safety,

59. and me to non-sewer air, likely tropical.

60. How? I'd add something sassy here,

61. but Archer broke my phone.

62. We run a series of distractions

63. during the hearing.

64. A distraction relay, if you will.

65. Then we flee to Cheryl's plane on—what did you call it?

66. - Long Island. - Gross.

67. Tell me about it, but apparently,

68. major airports hate when you transport tons of bombs

69. or even say the word bomb.

70. Which we'll use for the most noble cause possible,

71. finding Fabian and crushing him.

72. Come on, damn it. We've thwarted cartels,

73. kingpins, cyborg Barry armies,

74. and we're gonna lose to this English prick?

75. So let's get up, act like the spies we are,

76. and kick some II-Ass.

77. - All right. - Hell, yeah.

78. Aw, thank you, but all this is because

79. you ran out of booze last night, isn't it?

80. What? No.

81. It was this morning.

82. We're in the heart

83. of New York and we're disguised

84. as a landscaping company?

85. You made me paint over the other one.

86. Strained, at best.

87. Lana, you don a disguise and make your way

88. to the courtroom for AJ's custody hearing.

89. Great, AJ can watch me get arrested in person

90. instead of on the news. - Just trust me, Lana.

91. The distraction relay will work,

92. but to pull it off, it has to run like clockwork.

93. Can't we just fart our way through this like usual?

94. No, we need each distraction on schedule.

95. Otherwise, they'll catch wind about Lana.

96. So that means no freelancing, no tying up loose ends,

97. and no personal bullshit.

98. - Come on.

99. And what are you griping about, Cyril?

100. Your life is so empty that your emergency contact is 911.

101. Hey, I have a full life.

102. I've got plenty of things I could tie up.

103. Like using your punch card to get a free pizza from Teddie's.

104. No. I'm still two short.

105. Now, if you'll excuse me,

106. I gotta go distract the police by being hot as hell.

107. Sorry. These new actuators are a little balky.

108. Just a sec.

109. Just a...

110. Sec.

111. Man, if I'd peeled out right after I said that,

112. you guys would've gone full Sploosh Mountain.

113. Uh, damn. That was pretty hot.

114. You know, Lana, there's a chance

115. you walk in there, get arrested,

116. and go to jail for the rest of your life, right?

117. If I walk in there and get arrested

118. or I don't walk in there at all,

119. either way, I never see AJ again.

120. What's the difference?

121. Bars on your bedroom and shitty food,

122. but point taken.

123. Oh, and Lana, try not to get photographed in that babushka.

124. If the Polish are ever taken seriously in the country,

125. that costume would definitely come back to haunt you.

126. You know, I wouldn't say haunted.

127. I just think my written test score

128. is getting in the way of a promotion.

129. That's not important.

130. Okay, being a field agent isn't about written tests.

131. I also did bad on the skills part.

132. Um, that's less not important,

133. so let's practice.

134. You see him. You say—

135. Um, stop. You're under arrest?

136. Okay, are you asking me or are you telling me?

137. Telling? Wait, no. Asking. Pass.

138. Wait a second. Is that—

139. Excuse me, Officers.

140. Not now, please, ma'am.

141. We're undercover, and it's very important.

142. Okay. You want to check those files?

143. Can you turn your head? Huh.

144. Oh, my God, it's her.

145. Punch it, Wally. Oh, wait. I'm driving.

146. Oh, God.

147. I'm so sorry I'm late.

148. The jackass at reception took forever.

149. Think Frankenstein, but less articulate.

150. The individual you referred to as a jackass

151. happens to be my husband, and he has a speech impediment.

152. Um, did I say Frankenstein?

153. I meant—well, I guess technically

154. I meant, Frankenstein's monster.

155. Oh, God, this is not going well.

156. Eh, could be worse.

157. Oh, sweetie. Hmm.

158. Lana, I am simply blown away by your persistence.

159. I admire you, not just as a parent, but as a woman.

160. Thank you?

161. I mean, I should be admiring you.

162. You didn't tell the judge I'm a literal fugitive.

163. Gosh, no.

164. It would disregard AJ's agency as a young woman

165. and the integrity of our bygone marriage.

166. Wow. That's actually really sweet.

167. Can we commence please?

168. Your Honor, I'm going to present irrefutable proof

169. that Lana Kane is an unfit mother

170. and would cause lasting developmental damage to AJ.

171. Oh, you bald little shit.

172. Why not wear a turtleneck to complete the look,

173. you uncircumcised dick?

174. Ugh, this is gonna be a long hearing.

175. Cheryl, cue the distraction.

176. Where'd you get chickens?

177. I want to say the chicken store.

178. Oh, man. I forgot to say she was under arrest.

179. Where the hell are you? You're on in five.

180. Oh, can someone else take the baton?

181. I'm tying up a loose end.

182. What happened to "no personal bullshit"?

183. Yeah, for you guys. You're up.

184. But I'm not ready.

185. Oh, for real? Well, in that case,

186. I'm gonna do exactly what I was doing

187. because it's extremely important.

188. Click. Did you just say cl—

189. Hey, excuse me. Is this the brothel?

190. as you can see here

191. from the exhibit dated that January,

192. Lana's negligence got AJ kidnapped.

193. What? Separately, nice graphics.

194. I was skeptical at first,

195. but they really were worth the money.

196. Hey, I got her back, didn't I?

197. Plus, that experience taught us all a very valuable lesson.

198. And that lesson was...

199. Don't get kidnapped?

200. Oh, and I was super helpful in the firefight.

201. And Ms. Kane, what is your job exactly?

202. Independent security consultant?

203. I'd feel better if that didn't sound like a question.

204. So would I.

205. All right, little se tback, but we are back on it.

206. Repeat after me. We are tough.

207. We are smart. We manifest our own luck.

208. We are tough. We are smart.

209. We—give me that third one again. Sorry.

210. You know what?

211. I'm just gonna do a sweep of the courthouse.

212. Why don't you stay put, Wally?

213. - Oh, hello. - Hi.

214. No. Hello. Hello, I'm a fugitive.

215. Oh, shit. Second chance.

216. Let's do this! - I totally manifested that.

217. Why is he so good at roller skating?

218. Sorry, Mrs. Fentooli.

219. I just got lost in the skating.

220. Look at me now, Mrs. Fentooli.

221. Need backup. Central Park.

222. In pursuit of a dork on roller skates.

223. Madame Trinett e, you know this guy?

224. We're old friends.

225. Does friends mean, "teamed up with my nemesis

226. "for a dubious paternity test to bleed money out of me

227. which I used to build a fancy brothel"?

228. - Fine. Friends with benefits. - That's not what that means.

229. Sure it does. I got dental and everything.

230. Whatever. I need a favor.

231. Your clientele are the city's elite, yes?

232. Shit, yeah. We got real classy cooze here.

233. I assume you keep dirt on everyone who comes in here

234. and every other rich person they talk shit about.

235. Of course not.

236. The cops leave us alone

237. because they're nice.

238. Hey, to survive in this business,

239. sometimes you gotta pull strings.

240. Or whatever else needs pulling.

241. Look, Trinette, I need everything you know

242. about a billionaire named Robert—

243. Hell no. I don't let anything leak.

244. Look, Trinette, it's not for me.

245. It's for my daughter.

246. Unless I can smear Robert, he's gonna take AJ from Lana,

247. which means I wouldn't get to see her.

248. You know, you're lucky that having a kid made me a wimp.

249. Careful with that, you puke. - Thanks, Trinette.

250. You know, we had some good times, didn't we?

251. No, you paid me for sex.

252. Fair enough. Give Seamus my best,

253. but would it kill you to send him to lacrosse camp?

254. If it made him like you, yes.

255. For that, I'm taking a shot glass.

256. Go ahead. You bought all this anyway.

257. And hey, Archer, I really look forward

258. to seeing your next check.

259. So you're telling me that you used to have a stable job,

260. but now you're effectively unemployed.

261. Self-employed-ish.

262. Do I get bonus points for saving the world on,

263. like, two separate occasions?

264. You would if I believed you.

265. - And? - I do not.

266. I've never felt so free.

267. Eat my skate dust, you—

268. well, just eat it.

269. Okay, we might be really bad at this.

270. Hey, we've got to stop the cycle of screwing up,

271. beating ourselves up about it, and then losing confidence,

272. and then screwing up even more.

273. Instead...

274. Let's treat ourselves.

275. Okay, if this is reverse psychology, I like it.

276. Archer, it's your turn.

277. Have you done anything useful today?

278. Yes, I've made you angry,

279. thereby taking years off your life.

280. - But— - That's good for the world.

281. But I actually have to get this file to Lana

282. before the hearing's over, so we'll need

283. one final distraction, and it's not like you

284. have personal shit to take care of.

285. But how will I get their attention

286. when apparently, I'm the most boring man alive?

287. Oh, Cyril, I've spent hundreds of hours

288. trying to figure out how one man could have

289. so little going on, but with your lack of charisma

290. and devotion to wasting your life,

291. bystanders can't help but be utterly mystified by you.

292. Wow. That's—wait.

293. None of what you just said is positive.

294. Thanks. Wish me luck.

295. In conclusion, to quot e the great Robert Marley,

296. "Me don't dip on the Black man side.

297. "Me don't dip on the white man side.

298. Me dip on God's side."

299. I'm gonna need a five minute recess.

300. - How's it going?

301. - Well, that's about to change. - What's this?

302. A file on Robert. You think he smeared you?

303. Every shady investment, every masquerade orgy,

304. every racist joke he told in an elevator is in here.

305. You can bury him.

306. How do you have this and—oh.

307. Why does it smell like a whorehouse?

308. Uh, let's just say we have friends in low places.

309. Like whorehouses.

310. No. I can't.

311. What? Lana, why?

312. Because then I'm no better than that bow tied ball bag.

313. We need to talk.

314. I know that some of this seems harsh,

315. but it's important for the judge to know

316. what kind of home you'll be providing for AJ.

317. It's not that.

318. I think we should just stop this and let AJ choose.

319. For her sake, she doesn't need to hear

320. any more dirt about either of us.

321. Are you sure?

322. I want to be respectful of her autonomy and yours,

323. but you're really going to ask her to choose between

324. a barren apartment and a mansion

325. with its own bowling alley/arcade?

326. I just want what's best for her,

327. and it's not this hearing.

328. Wait a minute. A bowling alley/arcade?

329. I've never seen that.

330. It's a—it's a big house.

331. Look at me when I'm talking to you.

332. You are the FBI, and no one can take that away.

333. Unless, of course, the FBI fires you.

334. Don't think about that.

335. Oh, wow. Okay. Our mole has, in fact,

336. confirmed that the target is inside.

337. Are you ready? - One second.

338. That's right. You got this. Quick, but not too quick.

339. Mm, mm. Ah, brain freeze.

340. Since this hearing started,

341. I've thought a lot about myself and my future.

342. I love both of you guys, and you're both good people,

343. so I know there's no wrong choice.

344. And in these tough couple months,

345. Daddy has been so supportive and caring.

346. And I've never had so much

347. Trifola d'alba Madonna in my life.

348. Trifolda—what's that now?

349. Most expensive truffles on Earth.

350. She has her father's palate.

351. Robert, I love you very much,

352. but it's obviously Mom, duh.

353. Like, it's just so weird that you're even doing this.

354. What are you thinking? - Kid goes to Mom.

355. Honestly, she's screwed either way.

356. Court adjourned.

357. What an untraditional family we are, but we make it work.

358. Who are you again?

359. I know you're joking,

360. but that was absolutely devastating.

361. Nice work.

362. I am so, so happy.

363. - About losing custody? - No, no, no.

364. Don't you see? I pushed for this trial

365. so you would see firsthand, AJ chose you.

366. You're not a mom by default. You're her mother.

367. Cool. Bizarre mind games from an eccentric billionaire.

368. Who could've guessed? You goddamn weirdo.

369. Language, but correct.

370. God, tipping off the FBI.

371. So much for respecting our autonomy.

372. Thanks for nothing, asshole.

373. Nothing? Are you kidding me?

374. I spent, like, $20 million keeping the damn Agency afloat.

375. Well, thank you for that.

376. Now go eat $20 million worth of shit.

377. Krieger, we've been made.

378. We need a distraction— something, anything.

379. Um, Cyril, do something.

380. But I already did my one thing, the roller skates.

381. I'm out of moves.

382. Come on. There's gotta be something.

383. We gotta think big. We gotta think—

384. Absolutely enormous.

385. I mean, does he need special pants?

386. I swear to God, it looked at me.

387. Courts have side entra nces?

388. It's called a celebrity door, Lana,

389. you philistine.

390. Whoo! That was awesome.

391. Now all we've gotta do is get off the island of Manhattan

392. with the entire FBI after us blocking all the roads.

393. Roads? Where we're going,

394. we don't need roads.

395. Whoa, Krieger, hovercraft.

396. Krieger, we're only going, like, five miles an hour.

397. Try six.

398. Doesn't this thing go any faster?

399. Or am I gonna die in this windowless van

400. like a missing teen?

401. He said in a van with his daughter.

402. Will you relax?

403. Oh, it looks like some sad adults.

404. - Trinette? - Archer.

405. What are you, obsessed with me now?

406. You do house calls? Why a boat?

407. International waters, bro. No rules. Whoo!

408. - Not true,

409. and it's extremely creepy that you want that.

410. Trinette, I'm gonna level with you.

411. We need to switch boats.

412. I already done enough favors for you today.

413. Get out of here. - Wait. Wait. Wait.

414. I have a well thought out, persuasive argument.

415. All right, now, fair is fair, finance snobs.

416. Empty your wallets for Trinette and her girls.

417. Aren't they just gonna take their money back when we leave?

418. Good point.

419. Now, you boys share that. Be good.

420. You think those guys know how to swim?

421. I probably should've asked. - Eh, I think you're fine.

422. Heads up. Sea pigs.

423. Shut up. The FBI has Jet Skis?

424. Whoo-hoo! I love civil forfeiture.

425. We got these from criminals?

426. Fun fact. They don't even have to be

427. guilty for us to take their stuff.

428. - That cannot be true. - It is, though.

429. - Whoo! Jet Ski! - Whoo!

430. - Where did you get that?

431. Pam, what are you doing here?

432. Shh, I need a favor.

433. - Anything, my darling. - First—

434. You probably shouldn't set off fire works indoors.

435. Yeah?

436. Agree to disagree.

437. Alessia made us a care package. Ka-boom.

438. Okay, you can never break up with her.

439. Oh, my God, I love her.

440. Those were warning shots.

441. Stop the boat or we will open fire.

442. AJ, honey, get below and stay down. AJ?

443. Oh, AJ, get below

444. and stay down.

445. We will discuss your tone later, missy.

446. Well, hello.

447. I'm gonna name you the solution to all my problems.

448. Or maybe we don't blow up

449. the boat full of government employees.

450. They started it.

451. Party boat. Let's do this.

452. Whoo-hoo ! Waterskiing.

453. Little too slow for me.

454. Whoa!

455. Come on. Try not to actually hit him.

456. This is not what you'd call a precision operation.

457. Oh, yeah, redemption. Ah!

458. I got an idea,

459. but you're gonna have to unkink your panties

460. for about 30 goddamn seconds.

461. Do I have to?

462. - Damn it, I'm out. - Me too.

463. I need you to reach into my pocket.

464. Ah, Jesus. You have an erection?

465. It's a shot glass, but also, yes.

466. Use it. The shot glass, I mean.

467. Whoo!

468. Why did you have that?

469. Friends in low places, like whorehouses.

470. I know what you meant.

471. Consider my panties unkinked.

472. Is that in reference to something?

473. Oh, that wasn't you guys. Never mind.

474. - Hi. Sorry about the gun.

475. I'll need the golf cart. - Aw, man.

476. Don't be like that.

477. Uh, anyone know where we're going?

478. Or who's gonna fly the plane?

479. Uh, this is really as far as my plan went.

480. Well, I guess we lost them.

481. No, you've inspired me today, and I am not giving up.

482. Well, hello, beautiful.

483. I see you finally made it.

484. Did you turn off the safety?

485. You don't know it has a safety.

486. You know what? That's it. I quit.

487. I'm gonna go back to clown college.

488. I'll be right there behind you.

489. Ah, goddamn it.

490. What the fuck, Archer?

491. Slater, it's you. I'm so sorry.

492. I should've shot you twice. - Wow. You look—

493. - Really bad.

494. Jesus, the CIA's involved now?

495. Could we just skip all the usual agro-bullshit

496. and get to the point? - Your old boss, Fabian,

497. used that blackmail info you stole from the bank to destabilize

498. the country of Manatina, where he's now fled.

499. Hey, in our defense,

500. we didn't know it was blackmail info.

501. So your defense is you're stupid.

502. I'd also like to say that in my defense, he's stupid.

503. So what are you doing here?

504. You're not domestic law enforcement.

505. The better question is what is Ray doing here.

506. Oh, my God, Ray really did flip.

507. This is hopeless. - Now, hang on one minute.

508. Just because Ray sucks doesn't mean we do too.

509. I've done more living in the past day

510. than I have in years, and I don't intend to stop now,

511. so to borrow a phrase,

512. "Let's get it together and kick some II-Ass."

513. And you know what?

514. While we're at it, I have an announcement to make.

515. I'm ready to start dating again.

516. You haven't dated since Lana?

517. What? You wait one year

518. for every month you dated someone.

519. No, it's the opposite of that.

520. Know when to stop talking, Cyril.

521. Oh, God, I miss this.

522. Please, never learn that.

523. God, thank you so much, Cyril.

524. It just feels so good... - To laugh?

525. To not be you.

526. Made in Georgia.