Archer 13x5

1. - No.

2. I don't want any, and/or I didn't do it.

3. Damn it, Edith.

4. I'll stop throwing trash off my balcony

5. when the co-op installs a garbage chute

6. per my written request.

7. Hey, Archer. I'm here!

8. And here is where you're supposed to be?

9. Wait, did you forget you invited me over?

10. I remember not doing that.

11. Probably because you've been making

12. a lot of drunk promises lately and empty threats.

13. Suggest that again, and I will literally kill you.

14. Okay, well, last night, you invited me over

15. for a brunchy hang.

16. One, that's a phrase I would never use,

17. like "shoot to wound," and two—

18. you're already inside. - Yeah.

19. The green eggs and Pam are getting cold.

20. The "Pam" is ham.

21. Cyril? To what do I owe

22. this opposite of pleasure?

23. Hey, Archer, I'm here for the—

24. The brunchy hang, which is what we're doing.

25. That I don't remember suggesting?

26. - Yeah. - And even

27. at my most drunk, wouldn't invite Cyril to?

28. Yup.

29. And here's everyone else you invited!

30. Hey, big guy.

31. Let me guess— brunchy hang?

32. Oh, God, no.

33. We're here for the intervention.

34. Oh, yeah! It's also that.

35. God damn it, Pam.

36. Who wants some cheesy grits?

37. Ah, so...

38. Wait, wait, wait. There's still juice in here.

39. Now, what's this about an intervention?

40. It's not for your drinking.

41. Good, because if anything,

42. I'm getting better at that.

43. It's an intervention

44. for whatever's causing your drinking.

45. - Thirst? - But under that.

46. - Boredom? - But under that.

47. Irritation with your gentle tone?

48. Enough holding his damn hand!

49. Archer, ever since Malory left,

50. you treat us like shit, you spy like shit,

51. and you're gonna get us all killed.

52. Please, I spy great.

53. Just last week, I took down a drug kingpin.

54. Yeah, that is not what happened.

55. Ooh!

56. That's for giving drugs to kids!

57. Next.

58. We don't know what's in those inhalers.

59. We know two kids had asthma attacks.

60. Well, I for one,

61. think this intervention is unnecessary.

62. Thank you, Krieger.

63. I mean, why convince a man to change,

64. when I think cut out the chunk of brain causing the problem

65. and replace it with nanobots that I control?

66. Can you cut out the part of five brains

67. that are clearly jealous of my skills?

68. - Happy to try. - You think we're jealous?

69. We're worried. - And frustrated.

70. And would it have killed you

71. to visit me in the hospital?

72. 'Cause that snakebite you caused almost killed me.

73. I'm pretty sure that was a tapir's fault.

74. You found it. Don't blame the tapir.

75. Enough. There's a way these things

76. are supposed to go.

77. Archer, I made a list of the ways

78. in which your behavior has hurt me.

79. I've had to cover for you on missions,

80. lie for you at the office,

81. olive oil, carrots... toe cream?

82. Did you get bored and start making a grocery list?

83. Cheryl usually proofreads my speeches.

84. Are we gonna try to get her to come back, by the way?

85. One crisis at a time, Pam.

86. Then go handle that crisis.

87. I am fine. - Not until you agree

88. to see a therapist. - Uh, agreed,

89. because I already do. - What? Since when?

90. Ever since Mother retired. I was a wreck.

91. I needed help. I got help.

92. Oh, what happens now? Do we still tie him to a chair?

93. That's the main reason I came.

94. If you're seeing a therapist—

95. hmm, how do I phrase this positively?

96. Why are you still such an ass on an ass?

97. Well, Dr. Lacania says

98. the process of unpacking my traumas can be destabilizing

99. before I see improvement.

100. Plus, we're dealing with a lot—

101. impulse control, abandonment issues, PTSD...

102. Self-medicating.

103. Holy shitsnacks. Archer's in therapy.

104. Brain chunks, snip-snip, think about it.

105. No one even tried my potato salad.

106. It's a secret family recipe.

107. Is the secret way too much dill?

108. No!

109. Yes.

110. Archer, I am so proud of you.

111. It's been a tough year,

112. but knowing you're putting in the work,

113. it means a lot.

114. I'll log your therapist with IIA.

115. Having it on record should help if there's any blowback.

116. What's her name again?

117. - Dr. Lacania. - Jesus!

118. As far as you're concerned, yes.

119. Why are you on my screen?

120. Wait, can you see what's on my screen before?

121. 'Cause I just sat down.

122. I don't know how all these tabs are open.

123. I have thousands of employees.

124. Tapping into their screens saves time

125. and helps me avoid smelling you in person.

126. Your loss.

127. I saw your report that Agent Archer

128. is seeing a therapist.

129. Let me guess, IIA doesn't approve of therapy?

130. Quite the contrary. Mental health is as essential

131. as physical health. - Oh, sweet.

132. That said, Agent Archer's therapist

133. will be immediately executed by IIA assassins.

134. What? Why? She's out of network.

135. It poses a security risk

136. and puts an unfair burden on the IIA health plan.

137. You read the health plan, didn't you?

138. I skimmed it.

139. I'm afraid it's out of my hands.

140. Better luck next therapist, eh?

141. Oh. How much of that did you hear?

142. IIA's gonna kill my therapist?

143. Okay, good, you heard the main part.

144. Not to repeat myself,

145. but God damn it, Pam!

146. I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know

147. the IIA kills out-of-network therapists?

148. Yeah, those co-pays are murder.

149. Sorry. I'd wiggle my eyebrows,

150. but my forehead's still paralyzed from spider venom.

151. Wait, is it just therapists?

152. What's about dentists? Dr. Beck is the only man

153. I trust to handle my porous teeth.

154. That's where I come in,

155. and haven't we all wondered,

156. "Why do we have teeth only in our mouths?"

157. Oh, yeah.

158. Looks like you and your crumbly teeth are out of luck.

159. Who cares? Cyril can get new teeth.

160. I can't spend a year explaining my thrilling yet complicated

161. backstory to a new therapist.

162. And you won't have to,

163. because we'll help you save her.

164. Is that a royal "we"?

165. Because this is not part of my job, okay?

166. I keep my head down, and I put in the work.

167. But it is your job to work with me,

168. which will be even more impossible

169. if my therapist dies.

170. What would that even look like?

171. We're on a clock here, people.

172. Fine, I'll help you to help me.

173. Dr. Lacania would call that

174. a transactional relationship. It's not great,

175. but it's a start—

176. And it won't be enough.

177. Jesus, Max Headroom.

178. I'm working. I'm working.

179. I just came in here for this grenade.

180. Uh, my lucky grenade.

181. Fabian, call off the hit.

182. It's out of my hands, Archer.

183. The assassination order already went out.

184. Your therapist is as good as—

185. You know, some of us do work on those.

186. - Nerd. - Fabian's wrong.

187. We'll save her. - Will we?

188. Every time we go up against IIA, we lose.

189. They're always one step ahead. - Which means we need

190. to stay one step ahead of that step.

191. Krieger, what do ya got? - Hmm, my first idea

192. would be to breed a half-human, half-dolphin.

193. Next idea.

194. Aw. Well, I can hijack

195. the connection Fabian uses to tap into our monitors,

196. allowing us to monitor all IIA body cameras

197. and know exactly where their assassins are.

198. But I'd need eyes on all the monitors—

199. living eyes.

200. I mean, obviously, I've got jars of eyes.

201. Ray, Cyril, help Krieger.

202. - Fine by me. - Now listen.

203. This is our most important mission ever.

204. We're not just saving my therapist.

205. We're saving my mental health and by extension, the world.

206. Let's add delusions of grandeur to your list

207. of issues. - Said the man

208. who needs therapy more than any of us.

209. I need therapy? Me?

210. Oh, that's rich. You know who needs the therapy?

211. The guy who says someone else needs therapy,

212. which I guess he's getting. - Try it now.

213. - Damn it, Krieger. - In my defense,

214. I knew that would happen.

215. Behold—every camera in the IIA network.

216. I call it "Spy Wall."

217. A lot of toilet cams on Spy Wall, huh?

218. I don't place the cameras.

219. I just hack them. - Hey, either of you

220. ever try therapy? - Ew—just physical.

221. I was born well-adjusted.

222. The scientists made sure of that.

223. Oh, yeah. I mean, I don't think

224. I need it. I mean, I'm not that unhappy—

225. more scared than unhappy.

226. I'm more unhappy than scared.

227. Right? Hey, maybe we could

228. talk about it—not as therapy, which we don't need—

229. just informal guy talk. - Well, that takes

230. all the pressure off. - Hard pass.

231. If I wanna swap traumas, I will join a fight club.

232. Ooh! Let's do that too.

233. Shit,

234. they already have her. - Not for long.

235. Your brain doc is about to see some brain damage.

236. Wait, wait, wait. Dr. Lacania says always

237. to knock, even in an emergency.

238. Hold it right—there?

239. Sterling.

240. She calls you Sterling?

241. Yes. She calls me by my name.

242. And she requires appointments.

243. We've talked about respecting boundaries.

244. Sorry, Dr. Lacania. I can explain

245. and pay for the door. Can you guys give us a minute?

246. Also, you should probably look for a new therapist.

247. - Wow, she looks—

248. Like a therapist.

249. Wearing clothes and everything.

250. - And he apologized to her. - And it wasn't sarcastic.

251. Guess he's actually trying to be a better person.

252. Ray, how we lookin'?

253. Um, multiple hostiles incoming—

254. technically already there. - Jesus, Ray!

255. Thanks for the warning! I'm doing my best!

256. There's a ton of monitors!

257. And a lot of feelings.

258. Heads up. They don't look like

259. new patients.

260. And you'll keep going to therapy, young lady

261. until you stop having sex dreams about Grave Digger,

262. the monster truck.

263. - They're over here. - We gotta go!

264. Jesus Christ, Archer. - Um,

265. this is why you have to knock.

266. I knew you weren't in therapy.

267. It is always about sex with you.

268. What? This isn't sex.

269. She's lying on top of you.

270. Because she fainted when I told her

271. about the assassins, and I had to catch her.

272. Believe me, if I was having sex, you would know.

273. Please. You're obviously into her.

274. - Inaccurate phrasing. - But also true.

275. - Wait, what? - The infamous Lana,

276. I presume? - Infamous?

277. You come up a lot. It's mostly bad.

278. In our first session, Sterling admitted

279. his attraction to me. We discussed it

280. and decided working through it

281. would be a good exercise in establishing boundaries.

282. And having vivid sex dreams.

283. Vivid.

284. - Probably time to go. - Right.

285. We need a new exit.

286. No, you want a new exit.

287. You need to respect my personal journey.

288. I can't respect you if we're dead.

289. How convenient for you! See what I deal with?

290. I have a suggestion.

291. My office used to be part of a larger suite.

292. We remodeled, but kept the door.

293. Damn, you're good in a crisis, Doc.

294. My patients are always in crisis.

295. Ray, are we clear? Ray?

296. Ray!

297. But where does the fear come from?

298. Well, when I was a child,

299. my father trained show dogs.

300. Cyril, shut up!

301. Lana, you've got incoming. - Yeah, I know.

302. We dodged them. Keep up.

303. Oh, I'm sorry. Then these assassins

304. must be outside a different door.

305. Well, they're in the right office to get new teeth.

306. As long as they're in-network.

307. Fascinating. You focus on the mundane

308. to avoid contemplating the barbaric nature

309. of your work. - Oh, my God.

310. We don't have time for this.

311. My apartment's a few blocks away.

312. We can crash there. - Wouldn't it be better

313. to go to a safe house?

314. Well, my place isn't exactly

315. an official, legal residence

316. or zoned for human habitation,

317. so it pretty much doesn't exist.

318. That sounds good to me. Plus, I definitely want to see

319. Pam's place. That's got to be a shit show.

320. I guess Krieger's cameras will let us know

321. if they're on to us. Ray, I need a safe route

322. to Pam's. - Well, I need legs

323. made of meat, but life's not fair.

324. All right, you're gonna take your first left—

325. I'm sorry. Don't take that.

326. Take your second left. - All I do is work—

327. office lab, home lab, sea lab, where the only law is science.

328. Well, at least you have a passion.

329. I live in constant fear that someone will ask me

330. to do my job. - But is it really

331. a passion if it's also work? I mean, where's the "me" time?

332. Will you two shut up? My God!

333. "I'm sad. I love being

334. a mad scientist too much." Try walking in my shoes.

335. Spoiler—I have to buy new ones every three weeks,

336. because are shoes aren't made for metal feet!

337. And I've offered you

338. tank treads like a billion times.

339. I had the worst childhood and adulthood imaginable,

340. and you don't see me crying about it,

341. because I got it under control,

342. unless I see a porcupine. - Why a porcupine?

343. Who are you, the therapist I don't need?

344. Whoa, wow, a Brough Superior SS100?

345. This is what killed Lawrence of Arabia.

346. - This is your apartment?

347. Yeah, pretty sweet, huh?

348. I used to come to raves here.

349. Then one morning, I woke up on the floor

350. with an empty bank account and a deed scrawled on a napkin.

351. Best decision I didn't know I was making.

352. Pam, you might be

353. the first completely psychologically healthy person

354. I've ever met. - Yeah, but some of us

355. are pretty close, right? - Uh-huh.

356. Do you think it's psychologically healthy

357. to fish for compliments?

358. Lana doesn't like therapy.

359. Hey, I never said that.

360. I just don't love the idea

361. of a person who knows everything about you

362. and can use that information against you—

363. not that I have trust issues.

364. Pam, why do you have underpants with the Swiss flag on them?

365. Swiss? Those aren't Swiss.

366. Those are, uh— they're from the Red Cross.

367. They're defective.

368. Anyway, mi safe house es tu safe house.

369. I'm gonna check the back door.

370. And I'm gonna ride like Lawrence,

371. but without the dying part.

372. So you heard a lot about me, huh?

373. I can't discuss that.

374. Right, right.

375. It's just, you only heard Archer's side of things,

376. and sure, we've had our issues,

377. but he has issues with everyone.

378. So I think that's unfair to focus on me

379. and not Pam, who is a total enabler,

380. or Krieger, who's a drug designer,

381. or Cheryl—she's the craziest one in the entire group.

382. So whatever problem Archer has, it is probably because of her

383. and not me.

384. I'm not taking on new patients.

385. Whoo-hoo!

386. I'm sorry. Just stay in there.

387. And just so you know, I organized an intervention

388. - to help Archer. - Without

389. a psychologist present?

390. Well, no, but with friends present.

391. It helped! You weren't there.

392. I know what you're thinking. "Oh, Lana, you dumped him,

393. had a kid with his sperm, but didn't tell him."

394. But you only know his side. What did he even say?

395. Okay, I know you can't tell me. So say nothing if it's bad.

396. Oh, damn! I knew it was bad!

397. Fascinating...

398. You're paying for the things I break with your body!

399. Since we're done with therapy,

400. could you skip to the end and just say what my problem is?

401. Sterling, you know that's not how this works.

402. Therapy is a lifelong journey to self-discovery.

403. But it's my mother, right?

404. Yes, and I'm sorry

405. we won't have more time to work on it.

406. What is that?

407. Shit, is that a tracker?

408. Because that would mean—

409. Safe house isn't safe.

410. Oh.

411. These are vintage, you bastards!

412. Damn it. Why didn't you guys

413. see this coming?

414. Ray!

415. I get it now. I see every mission

416. as an opportunity to disappoint my father,

417. even though he's gone. - And I need to finally

418. make time for my prog-rock puppet musical.

419. And you did it without therapy.

420. And we did it with something better—

421. informal guy talk. - Which is like therapy,

422. but with fewer credentials,

423. and a completely random success rate.

424. All right. Whoopsie daisy.

425. Wait, what?

426. There, I think we lost 'em.

427. You thought that at Pam's.

428. I'm not omniscient, Lana.

429. Textbook parasitic symbiosis.

430. Oh, will you turn it off?

431. Damn it. They found us.

432. Why would they ring the doorbell?

433. Obviously to confuse us.

434. Who's there?

435. Don't shoot!

436. It's us! - I stand by my choice.

437. Of course you do.

438. Where the hell have you guys been?

439. And why do you look like you've been crying?

440. - Um, IIA cut our feed. - Yeah,

441. and that made us very sad.

442. And I'm more than a scientist!

443. Everyone, shut up.

444. We need to get Dr. Lacania out of the city.

445. And put her on a train. It's public, crowded,

446. and it has multiple entries.

447. I'm not sure they'll let me on the train

448. covered in this much blood.

449. Yeah, blood's more of a subway thing.

450. Archer, are there any women's clothes here?

451. Just abandoned bras,

452. but they're covered in whipped cream and gunpowder.

453. The only full outfit I have belonged to—

454. Damn, you are wearing that dress, girl!

455. Stop. This is already

456. a very confusing moment for me. - Why?

457. Because your forbidden crush is wearing the dress

458. of the mother who kept you

459. in a state of childlike emotional dependence

460. your whole life? - Oof,

461. it is a bit tight in the chest.

462. - Yeah, it is. - Oh, my God.

463. Oh, Archer has a forbidden crush?

464. How naughty.

465. Did everyone hear me say I'm not just a scientist?

466. Enough! We need to go.

467. Hang on. They know what she looks like.

468. They'll catch us right away.

469. Well, we're out of time, Lana.

470. So unless you have an idea— - Oh, I have an idea,

471. and yeah, you might think it's stupid,

472. but I believe in it. - And we believe in you.

473. If we survive, we should check the war room

474. for gas leaks. - To the sewing machine!

475. Whoo-hoo!

476. Well, sewing needles remind me of porcupines,

477. but sure.

478. Sorry for this, Dr. Lacania,

479. but I promise we'll get you out.

480. I know you will, and when you do,

481. I want you to come with me,

482. because I love you, Sterling Archer.

483. Meep.

484. You ready for this?

485. Are you ready to come with me? - Dr. Lacania—

486. Please, call me Malory.

487. Ugh, no. Wh—why?

488. Well, that's my name,

489. Malory Lacania.

490. What an unfortunate coincidence.

491. Not if you forget your past.

492. I have seen how you've grown,

493. what you're capable of, and now I've seen how these people

494. hold you back.

495. I need to think about it.

496. Think fast, Sterling.

497. The train's leaving.

498. I have eyes on the target—

499. taking the shot in three, two— wait!

500. I have two targets, two targets—no, three.

501. Four! Original target is lost.

502. Repeat, original target is lost.

503. Let's do this.

504. I can't believe this is working.

505. I can't believe Cyril sewed five dress suits

506. in an hour. - Before I turned

507. to espionage, I was a tailor's apprentice.

508. Is it too late to turn back?

509. Oh, my God. Shit, Ray, are you made?

510. I'm just a little boy telling my dog she'll be okay.

511. Just hold on, Ginger Rogers!

512. Okay...

513. What the hell is that?

514. The sound I've been looking for.

515. You guys want to be in a prog-rock puppet musical?

516. Focus. We're almost there.

517. And it's almost time to decide.

518. I know. There's literally

519. a giant ticking clock on the wall.

520. Oh, hell, screw it. Tranq them all.

521. Looks like the needle is mightier than the sword.

522. Not, like, drug needle— sewing needle—

523. - Cyril?

524. Cyril? Does anyone have eyes

525. on Cyril?

526. Oh, shit.

527. Damn it.

528. I should've gone to therapy.

529. Come on!

530. Cyril? Man,

531. you know how to fill out a dress in all the wrong ways.

532. The doctor comes with me.

533. End of the line, Sterling.

534. My mother called me "Sterling."

535. And you're not my mother.

536. No!

537. Oh! Was that a breakthrough?

538. That felt like a breakthrough.

539. It was gruesome.

540. Breakthroughs can be gruesome.

541. Well, we made it. - And got a new umbrella.

542. - Deflection. - Yeah, of darts,

543. and your question.

544. I know, it's just leaving—

545. Would improve your life forever.

546. Sure, maybe, but also—

547. You need me like oxygen?

548. Mm, not what I was gonna say, but—

549. Oh, Sterling, listen.

550. This life is damaging you— a vicious cycle of violence

551. leading to anger, leading to more violence.

552. We can start a new life, running a little bakery

553. on the banks of the Rhine

554. that specializes in Dampfnudel.

555. You can bring things into the world

556. instead of taking them out.

557. Or we can live in Norway

558. and give boat tours on the fjords.

559. No, no, no, just the Rhine bakery,

560. because that is the best one.

561. That sounds so compelling when you say it

562. in that voice.

563. Okay, yes. I'll go.

564. Hang on.

565. So I'm leaving definitely on this train,

566. possibly forever. - Wait, you're leaving

567. with her? - What do you care,

568. Ms. "I'm-Only-Here-To-Do-My-Job?"

569. - Uh, Mrs. - Sort of.

570. And what I care about is

571. how this would break your mother's heart.

572. This agency is her legacy.

573. Well, maybe I've done enough living for my mother.

574. That is... actually healthy.

575. You're right. She's gone.

576. But the rest of us are still here.

577. - Except Cheryl. - And I know

578. we're not perfect, but we're your family—

579. us, me, your daughter.

580. Stay with us, because if you think running away

581. is the solution, I promise you, you'll never stop running.

582. Could've had something there.

583. - You have something here. - Yeah, an erection.

584. - What? - I was gonna have train sex.

585. Now what am I supposed to do

586. with this, Lana?

587. You'll figure it out. - Like hell I will.

588. This is someone else's problem. - Okay, Archer.

589. Ideally, two someones.

590. - Okay, Archer!

591. Made in Georgia.