Archer 13x4

1. Now what is this bullshit?

2. Um, which of the many species of bullshit

3. in our bullshit ecosystem are you referring to?

4. The jellybeans, which are only licorice,

5. buttered popcorn, and—

6. mm—I think, hatred?

7. Or the coffee maker, which is gone

8. and replaced by off-brand instant?

9. "Folber's Crystals,

10. an acceptable part of waking up."

11. It's these chip flavors.

12. Snail, paella, Dutch onion, and... menthol?

13. Wow, a bag of these has more nicotine

14. than a pack of cigarettes.

15. Well, now I wanna try them.

16. This is why you'll fill out

17. your food requisition forms properly,

18. otherwise you get the leftovers from Headquarters

19. that no one wants.

20. Is there any part of IIA that isn't some kind of

21. Kafka-meets-Brazil bureaucratic circle jerk?

22. See? This is why you lack vision.

23. Our company-mandated biquarterly circle jerks

24. decrease sexual frustration

25. and increase productivity by 6%.

26. Is he joking, or is it about to get awesome in here?

27. New mission: there's a device out there

28. that we need to reacquire.

29. So not awesome.

30. - The Magnetic Pulse Generator. - Magnets?

31. Are we worried someone will attack

32. a kindergarten science class?

33. It can wipe out all computer memory

34. in a mile radius.

35. And it does this.

36. Ooh, props to the graphics team.

37. I was skeptical, but they're so worth it.

38. Wait a second. I know that death metal device.

39. That's Helga!

40. How do you know about my Helga?

41. I have cameras planted everywhere,

42. including your lab.

43. How dare you!

44. Didn't you set up cameras

45. in all the bathrooms at one point?

46. Putting cameras in bathrooms is one thing.

47. But a lab? That is private.

48. I saw potential in your project

49. if paired with a proprietary IIA energy source,

50. but after I stole it from you, someone stole it from me.

51. The Swiss.

52. - The Swiss? - The cheese guys?

53. 1929. Black Monday.

54. The Swiss.

55. The Cuban Missile Crisis. Swiss.

56. 1985. The Cola Wars.

57. That is one alert mob.

58. These elite Swiss operatives

59. call themselves the Invisible Hand.

60. Oh, yeah.

61. Mother sometimes talked about them

62. when she was drinking.

63. She said it was like the entire country

64. extracted all their war-like impulses

65. and injected them into a tiny group of people.

66. They're going after the Cayman Islands

67. because the global rich are banking there

68. and not banking in Switzerland.

69. Oh, no. Rich people problems.

70. If the Invisible Hand succeeds,

71. it would throw IIA into financial chaos

72. and probably ignite a global war.

73. Well, that's not good.

74. Ah, yes, Lana, the old saying.

75. "War is not good."

76. So we steal the device back before the Swiss can use it.

77. With the help of your demolitions expert!

78. Huh? - I get it.

79. When Ms. Archer was in charge,

80. she didn't really go on missions,

81. but I'm a hands-on boss.

82. You are not the boss.

83. I'm in the chair!

84. I need this to go by the book,

85. and since my last leader is still in the hospital

86. due to snake and multiple spider bites...

87. I forgot that. It was really bad.

88. Agent Figgis is leading the mission.

89. - Oh, great. - Obviously.

90. For the last time, let me say this.

91. You're not my supervisor!

92. I quit.

93. Ah, don't worry, bud. She'll be back.

94. Oh, those Swiss bastards

95. got their dirty, cheese-stinking fingers

96. all over my beautiful device!

97. Wait. Where's Cheryl?

98. Okay, let's go destroy this thing.

99. - Reacquire it. - Uh, I doubt it.

100. Have you met us?

101. So before the Swiss

102. wipe the banks' data on the mainland,

103. they plan to blow up the backup server

104. stored on this old drilling platform.

105. Our job is to intercept them, then interrogate them

106. to find out where they stored the device.

107. So the device isn't on the rig?

108. We don't think so.

109. To access the rig,

110. we'll enter undetected through this hatch here

111. then locate and ambush the Swiss.

112. God, you are so bad at this.

113. It's like watching a clown car crash into a birthday party.

114. Tragic, but at some level, hilarious.

115. Archer, can you please put the bourbon down

116. and concentrate? - Scotch. No.

117. And don't you think you should concentrate?

118. We're already behind schedule.

119. Because you stopped at the liquor store

120. on the way to the airport!

121. Because I knew you wouldn't stock the plane,

122. so maybe next time be a little more professional.

123. This from the man who invented the term

124. "groin taxi."

125. Ha! Shows what you know.

126. That was a term I used to cleverly expense prostitutes.

127. - We all know that! - Lana.

128. You're only making things worse.

129. I've got this. - Yeah, Lana.

130. Our leader, Cyril's, got this.

131. Just listen to him

132. since he's obviously our superior.

133. Speaking of superiors,

134. I try to insulate myself from peasant work,

135. but this has got to go perfectly.

136. None of us want to be fired.

137. Oh, no, not fired,

138. the thing you threaten us with every day of our goddamn lives.

139. You misunderstand.

140. A mistake this big at our level?

141. After the firing, then there's the firing squad.

142. I'm using wordplay here, of course.

143. Oh! Oh, thank God.

144. They'll probably just poison us.

145. So I feel like that imminent death thing

146. kind of derailed my briefing.

147. Any questions? - Yeah.

148. Why did Fabian put you in charge?

149. You're, like, notoriously bad in high-stress situations.

150. What? Name one time.

151. Last week, you got hives trying to decide

152. between "best" or "best regards" in an email.

153. Okay, well, that was a tonal minefield.

154. I wish it were a real one,

155. and then we wouldn't be having this conversation.

156. Who did you think Fabian was gonna pick?

157. Archer can't do it. Lana's a threat to power.

158. And Krieger is... Krieger.

159. There's nobody left. - I'm left.

160. You don't know the first thing

161. about leading a mission, Pam.

162. I know you've got about 60 seconds

163. before your tactical lead there hurls chum into the ocean.

164. Archer, I told you to leave the booze on the plane.

165. But I didn't.

166. Okay, we get on the rig.

167. Lana and Pam will get any rig workers to a safe room.

168. Archer and I will start— - Hey, sea turtles!

169. Whoo! - What?

170. You're supposed to stay more than 10 feet away from those!

171. And are you supposed to be sober

172. when you make new best friends?

173. Because I'm not doing that either!

174. Lana, a little help here.

175. I thought I was making things worse.

176. "I got this."

177. - Called it.

178. That wasn't from drinking.

179. I ate those menthol chips on the plane.

180. But now that my head's clear, I have two questions.

181. What are we doing? And which ocean is this?

182. Explain to me how we can defuse this

183. if it gets activated.

184. That's easy.

185. You can't because it's not a bomb.

186. It's a resonating superconductor.

187. Once it starts, the pulse gets bigger and bigger

188. until it tears itself apart.

189. - Well, what can you do? - I don't remember.

190. I built it in—

191. what do you call it— a fugue state?

192. By "fugue state," you mean shit-assed on drugs, right?

193. Of course not!

194. But that was also happening, yes.

195. Hey, Lana, do you ever get the sense

196. that certain people in this group get ignored?

197. Mm, which certain people?

198. Well, to put it delicately, the ones with tits.

199. Thank you for being delicate, but yes.

200. I can't just force myself to care anymore.

201. I just wanna do my job and go home.

202. But I have a lot of great qualities.

203. I always keep Cheryl in line.

204. Yeah, I would not lead with that.

205. Is it just me, or—

206. Is nobody here? Great job, Cyril.

207. They got away. Who?

208. Whoever we're capturing, shooting, and/or rescuing.

209. How would we shoot and rescue them?

210. Hmm. Mercy killing?

211. We're late because of your delays!

212. Excuse me for being enchanted by turtles,

213. the world's most mysterious sea creatures.

214. Oh, come on. Everyone knows that's narwhals.

215. Pfft, only if the mystery is

216. who's overcompensating for something.

217. No one's here because Cyril messed up,

218. probably due to his obsession with narwhals.

219. Let's meet up on the deck

220. and talk about how much we hate him.

221. Pfft, narwhals. Basically the Ferrari of tusks.

222. - Wait, check for— - Aah!

223. I am called Alessia.

224. I represent the Invisible Hand, and that was a warning shot.

225. How was that a warning shot? You grazed me.

226. I'm very good.

227. I'm baffled by the complete lack

228. of pornographic doodling on these schematics.

229. Are you sure these IIA folks are real scientists?

230. Oh, for God's sake! I'm so fudged right now.

231. I need to know how to safely transport this thing now!

232. I'm fudged!

233. Is there anyone at IIA you can talk to?

234. No! If the board finds out...

235. - You're fudged? - I'm fudging fudged!

236. If you can't figure this out,

237. I will throw you out of this plane.

238. Well, there is a way to disable it

239. before it goes off, but it's dicey.

240. Requires extreme precision.

241. - What?

242. I was just thinking about who I was counting on

243. to be precise.

244. - Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

245. - Hiyah! - Ooh!

246. This rig is set to self-destruct.

247. Don't worry, we've evacuated the workers

248. and given them little chocolates.

249. The Invisible Hand isn't evil,

250. but if you get in our way again,

251. you will be eliminated.

252. Yep, totally non-evil thing to say.

253. Well, regardless, remember it.

254. I didn't hear it.

255. Could you say it again but slower

256. and turn your chin to catch the light?

257. I said, if I see you again,

258. I'll eliminate you.

259. Chocolate?

260. My God.

261. The turtles!

262. If the rig collapses...

263. What's the plan, Cyril? Are we stuck here?

264. No! We still have their ropes.

265. I am now open to suggestions.

266. Protect yourselves!

267. Pull your heads into your beautiful shells!

268. What do we do? What do we do?

269. Wait, I've got it.

270. "Best regards." That's the one.

271. God damn it, Cyril. Jump.

272. But we're hundreds of feet—aah!

273. Cannonball!

274. He really did it.

275. He's gonna die trying to save turtles while drunk.

276. Well, at least he'll die doing what he loves.

277. Being an idiot.

278. Oh, look.

279. It's a visual metaphor for your leadership.

280. Hey, that's not fair.

281. He's right, because that platform

282. would've collapsed years ago.

283. It hasn't gone that badly.

284. And cue the sharks.

285. Whoo!

286. Zodiac!

287. Okay, guys, hop in, but be careful.

288. There's not a lot of room with all these turtles in here.

289. Just put them back in the ocean!

290. What? No.

291. There's, like, a ton of sharks out there.

292. Attracted by your vomit!

293. Those are vomit sharks?

294. I said, "These are vomit"-- - We heard you.

295. Yet you refuse to embrace the mystery!

296. Hey, bud, at what point do you think you'll slow down?

297. It's to be determined, Pam.

298. Now, you pack of absolute morons,

299. you've blown our chance to grab this thing

300. before it's operational, but there's still a chance.

301. But it'll be tight. We have to—

302. Shut that idiocy production factory you call a mouth!

303. You're no longer in charge.

304. The backup servers are destroyed,

305. so the banks will scramble

306. to make physical backups of their data.

307. Which means they'll be dismantling

308. their electromagnetic shielding.

309. Precisely, but you're not in charge either.

310. The Swiss will wait for a few hours

311. for peak vulnerability and then set it off.

312. We'll intercept them on the way in.

313. Uh, explain why we're doing this again.

314. This sure seems like your mess-up.

315. You're not wrong, but if the banks go down

316. and the world erupts in chaos, IIA will need scapegoats.

317. They'll burn you.

318. - Hey, Lana.

319. Have you noticed there's a leadership vacuum

320. now with Cyril being a little bitch and all?

321. No offense. - That is not possible.

322. Oh, my God, I just want to do my job and go home,

323. but it's not working.

324. - So you know what happens now? - I think—

325. I take over and fix everything!

326. Exactly what I was gonna say.

327. Okay, platoons. Here we go.

328. Lana, keep your eyes southeast.

329. Archer, you look northwest.

330. Cyril, you look... in the other direction.

331. Uh, I don't remember Fabian putting you in charge.

332. Pipe down, cadet.

333. Better listen, Cyril. She means business.

334. Lana, shut your tits! Keep this line clear.

335. You know, for a global banking center,

336. this place is way smaller than I imagined.

337. Island fact: it actually has

338. more registered businesses than it has residents.

339. God damn it, Archer. Are you drinking again?

340. Again implies that I stopped at some point, Pam.

341. And I'm supporting local businesses

342. against these international goliaths,

343. so I'm basically David.

344. Except drunk.

345. Hey, hey, hey, David was a musician

346. with eight wives who killed a dude with a rock.

347. Does that scream sober to you?

348. Speaking of human liabilities,

349. has anyone heard from Cheryl?

350. I can't believe I'm saying this,

351. but I kind of miss her.

352. Yeah, feels like a great moment

353. for some wildly unhelpful curveball.

354. Got her. They just turned her on.

355. Warming up now, getting ready for her big debut.

356. Aw, Helga.

357. They grow up so fast. - Okay, everyone.

358. The package is coming in from the south.

359. Wait. It's coming in way too fast.

360. It must be in the air.

361. Well, that simplifies things.

362. They're running away. - Wait.

363. No, the package is still on track.

364. How could that—

365. So she's going to activate it in the air

366. as she flies over the city.

367. What a cleverly Beverly.

368. God, she's like a Valkyrie.

369. Take me to Valhalla.

370. I've got a wingsuit in the back.

371. Krieger, take the stick

372. and continue my intercept course.

373. No, you fudging idiot! Don't—

374. Give me back my baby!

375. Now, I will expertly swoop by and grab the—

376. I don't know how to do any of that!

377. Aah!

378. Archer, commandeer a vehicle.

379. - I'm sorry about this... - Hey!

380. But would it kill you to do some maintenance?

381. Hello, Occifers.

382. Obviously, this truck is mine

383. because why else would I be holding a pineapple?

384. To the junkyard!

385. Do you think you could stop soaking yourself

386. in piña coladas?

387. Who am I? Jimmy Buffett's carpet?

388. This is a modified painkiller, which is way stronger.

389. Second, you're not my boss. Pam is.

390. Would you put down your damn drink?

391. No!

392. Damn it! I'm out of ammo.

393. Huh.

394. Invisible Hand: Aah!

395. You guys see that? That was nuts, right?

396. Ha ha! Stupid Swiss.

397. It's the Battle of Grauholz all over again!

398. Uh, guys? Any quick tips on landing?

399. Oh, God. It's happening so fast!

400. Whoa!

401. Shh!

402. It's okay. Daddy's here.

403. Uh, not to ruin a sweet moment,

404. which this is absolutely not, but is that thing ticking?

405. Huh, guess it is a bomb.

406. My baby's all grown up.

407. Tell him not to disarm that device!

408. Yeah, good luck with that.

409. He doesn't listen to us.

410. - Green wire? - Yeah, probably.

411. Ha ha ha!

412. Triumph, if a bit anticlimactic.

413. Ugh, I hate how it always works out for you,

414. even when you're being a dick!

415. You know, everyone has been really on my back today,

416. but in the end, I'm always the best.

417. To me!

418. Uh, Krieger?

419. - Oh, don't panic. - Oh, good.

420. No, don't panic. Run!

421. Get rid of your metals!

422. Guns, belts, commemorative Prussian war coins!

423. God, this is, like, the worst airport security line ever.

424. Okay, I think we're...

425. Totally screwed! What the hell, Krieger?

426. It's oscillating. It'll get stronger each time!

427. Why does it do that?

428. Because science is weird!

429. Take cover!

430. If we don't stop her, she'll keep expanding her range

431. and wipe out all digital data on the island.

432. So we need to destroy it?

433. No!

434. But also yes.

435. Aah! What are we doing?

436. Cyril, you're not the leader anymore,

437. so stop thinking.

438. Bum-rush this metal chucker and smash it to smithereens!

439. Oof!

440. Why aren't you letting us save you?

441. Oh, right, they want this to happen.

442. Never mind! Makes sense now!

443. Everybody, grab something metal.

444. Charge!

445. Now let go!

446. - Ow! - Aah!

447. Wow, that was a great idea, Pam.

448. Right?

449. Well, that was bizarre.

450. Don't just stand there, you rich bastard.

451. Fight!

452. Those Swiss are fast learners.

453. Damn their superior educational system.

454. Not on my watch, sister.

455. Cold-cocked!

456. Does that translate? Because it's fantastic.

457. Ugh, you again?

458. I don't know if I want to fight you, be you,

459. or sleep with you.

460. Well, let's start with the first

461. and see how it goes.

462. Aw, man. Now I gotta get a tetanus shot.

463. If you want something done right—ow!

464. Fuck! My fucking hand!

465. Oh, look at it.

466. See you when it's over. Fabian out.

467. Cover me. I'm gonna try to destroy it.

468. Oh, is that a Tudor Oyster Explorer?

469. Sweet—

470. Ow! What the hell?

471. I maybe shouldn't have chugged the pineapple.

472. There were, like, six different rums in there,

473. and now they're fighting.

474. It's so liberating not to think all the time.

475. Here, take this! You take that!

476. Krieger, how do we destroy this?

477. Heads up, you Swiss bitch!

478. Oh, God! Sorry!

479. I was just trying to knock you down.

480. - Just shoot it! - How?

481. Shoot anywhere when the magnet is in attract mode.

482. Archer, get on!

483. Whoa!

484. Your Amazonian body takes up too much space, Lana.

485. I can't balance.

486. Or maybe you can't balance

487. because you are wasted!

488. Babysitting me isn't part of your job,

489. as I've told you many times.

490. Ugh, shut up and grab the gun!

491. Oh, God, is there no rhythm to this thing?

492. Guess not.

493. Oh, I can't look.

494. Aah!

495. I hate to mess you up like this.

496. And here I thought you were enjoying it.

497. Are we, like, flirting?

498. I mean, this is fun, but I'd appreciate some clarity.

499. Just tell me one thing. Why is Fabian after us?

500. He's the one who sold us the device.

501. He did?

502. Just go. - Really?

503. Yeah, I mean, we all know Fabian sucks.

504. I'm not gonna sacrifice a goddess for a douchebag.

505. You know, you're much more formidable

506. than the two idiots I encountered on the oil rig.

507. They're lucky to have an incredible leader.

508. Aw, shucks. Just get outta here.

509. Alessia, wait!

510. You got any more of that chocolate?

511. No!

512. What happened here?

513. Is Archer knocked out?

514. Nope.

515. He passed out unscathed.

516. Wow, what a screwup.

517. Who knew a pineapple could hold that much rum?

518. So I blacked out and did something amazing, right?

519. That's what always happens.

520. No need to say anything. You're welcome.

521. Looks like a nailed this.

522. Oh, also nailing it,

523. that nail through your hand, Fabian.

524. That looks like it hurts.

525. Well, that's what happens

526. when you're not as awesome as me.

527. So how about the Swiss, right?

528. Made in Georgia.