Archer 13x3

1. But it's Saturday.

2. It is?

3. Then I'll ask all the terrorists

4. who threaten to destroy our world

5. to take the day off.

6. I just mean I had plans to spend the day with AJ.

7. And AJ is?

8. My daughter. Ah, children.

9. The time goes so fast,

10. but we're all making sacrifices.

11. Excuse me, waiter?

12. More champagne in the next one.

13. Calling you on a Saturday.

14. It's a simple pickup. An hour max.

15. Especially with— - No, no, no.

16. Please don't say it.

17. Agent Archer as backup.

18. Archer on a Saturday?

19. As in the day after Friday night?

20. I don't see the problem.

21. Obviously. Have you talked to him yet?

22. No, actually.

23. He hasn't picked up the phone for some reason.

24. Oh, yeah, "for some reason."

25. Hey, Archer.

26. No.

27. Yes, a shower was necessary, Lana.

28. It was a night of many fluids.

29. First of all, gross. It really was.

30. Second of all, hurry up.

31. I had a whole special day planned with AJ.

32. Coney Island, a fancy tea place.

33. Moist yet firm skin doesn't just happen, Lana.

34. I'm on step two of ten.

35. Hey, do you see a pumice stone out there?

36. Fabian wants us to pick up a negotiation specialist.

37. The Broker.

38. He's worked with all the major players;

39. Mafia, Yakuza, dictators, dirty cops.

40. Cops!

41. There was something with police last night.

42. Whoo-hoo! Police horse!

43. Yeah, there's no way that happened.

44. Then explain these lance callouses.

45. Anyway, the Broker's a longtime go-between

46. for criminal groups, which means he has intel

47. on all of them. But now he's retiring,

48. so they all want to torture him for info and then kill him,

49. which means your shower routine could cost a man his life

50. and me my day with AJ.

51. Hello?

52. Sorry, step five is a face wash.

53. Let's skip to step ten.

54. It's not a big deal, Robert.

55. Just take AJ to the office instead of my place.

56. It's not about the physical distance, Lana.

57. It's the emotional distance from you working

58. instead of spending time with AJ.

59. I'm not working.

60. I just wanna show AJ where Mommy works.

61. Depressing even if true.

62. Shut up. Is that Archer?

63. - No, it's— - Hey, Robert.

64. I wanna remind you,

65. these are formative years for AJ.

66. One day you'll look back and wish—

67. That you didn't tell me how to parent?

68. I agree.

69. So since you are working—

70. love the lying to Robert, by the way—

71. who exactly is taking care of AJ?

72. Seriously?

73. Yeah, Pam, I'm really sorry. I—

74. No, I mean, this is amazing.

75. Aunt Pam is gonna plan so many great activities.

76. Not to go all Ms. Frizzle, but I might steal a bus.

77. Just be at the office in 15 minutes, okay?

78. And one other thing...

79. - Hello, Pam. Where is— - Lana's upstairs.

80. She just sent me down to get AJ to bring her upstairs

81. to Lana, who we've established is upstairs.

82. And she can't come down because...

83. She...

84. got her period. - Oh.

85. That's a few days early for her,

86. so I guess she would be unprepared.

87. AJ, you ready to come along with Aunt Pammy?

88. No, I don't want to call you that.

89. We've been working on boundaries.

90. Oh, that's okay.

91. I'll just have to earn it

92. with activities!

93. Activities with Lana?

94. Sure.

95. All right, there's the Broker.

96. But Fabian says he's paranoid, so don't spook him or—

97. Hey, Broker! Broker, over here.

98. Damn it, Archer.

99. I'm too hungover for subterfuge, Lana.

100. Uh, are you Broker, or possibly "the Broker"?

101. Depends on who's asking.

102. Vagueness, that's fun.

103. Hi. Look, we're here on orders from Fabian.

104. Orders? Someone has the two of you working on a Saturday?

105. How awful! - Ugh, do not get me started.

106. I had a whole day planned with my daughter.

107. And I planned last night around a day

108. that would let me lay passed out near, but not in,

109. a pool of vomit. - Oh, how dreadful!

110. My sympathies to the both of you.

111. Oh, it's okay. I just—

112. wait, how did we get on this?

113. Fabian wants us to take you in.

114. Oh, Fabian sent you.

115. Oh, my apologies.

116. You see, as a negotiator,

117. I often get people to talk about themselves

118. as a distraction if I need an easy escape.

119. I call it "instant intimacy."

120. Wait, so you weren't actually sympathizing with me?

121. Oh, no, with you, it was real.

122. But there are a lot of people after me.

123. Can't be too careful.

124. Speaking of, Fabian and I had a code word.

125. Code word? Uh, one moment.

126. - Ooh.

127. Might be hard to get that info.

128. I have a code phrase.

129. "This was a one-hour job, and I have a gun."

130. Archer! But, yeah, sorry. We are in a rush.

131. Do you have kids? - Ah, flashbang!

132. Damn it.

133. He got away. - Like I give a shit.

134. What's my one rule? - No more flashbangs.

135. No more flashbangs.

136. My otolaryngologist already said

137. I'll be lucky if I'm not deaf by 50.

138. There! He's going for the platform.

139. What the hell?

140. Hey, pal, I'm the one who should be mad.

141. This is a shit bike.

142. Jesus, shouldn't these be motorcycle accessible by now?

143. Damn it. Hey!

144. Has anyone seen a mischievous little man?

145. Yay high? Strange air of sophistication?

146. Lana? How did you—

147. I got on the train, Archer.

148. The "being good at your job" option.

149. Ooh, that one's fun.

150. It teaches you animals in English

151. and en Español.

152. Uh, they used puerco for pig, but cerdo is more common.

153. Cool! This one's a coloring book.

154. Pam, when is my mom getting here?

155. Pam? AJ?

156. Cyril? Why are you here?

157. Oh, just burning the midnight oil,

158. but midday. That midday oil.

159. And why are you dressed so casually?

160. Fine, Pam, you got me.

161. Sometimes I come in on weekends to be at work

162. but feel like I can goof off.

163. Well, why don't you just—

164. The thought of goofing off

165. during real work hours terrifies me.

166. Lame.

167. Um, I wanna do something else.

168. Like play with a pretty dolly maybe?

169. - Ha! Hyah! - Ah!

170. FYI, she's working on boundaries.

171. That's a good boundary.

172. And it gives me an idea. Activities!

173. Well, the thing you have to understand

174. is I'm an amateur marathoner,

175. so it's easy for me to outrun people.

176. Maybe average people, not me.

177. Says the guy I just outran.

178. Ha! Getting on a train doesn't count.

179. Enough. I'm sorry we chased you,

180. but we do work for Fabian.

181. He's just hard to reach on a Saturday.

182. - Must be nice. - Well, I'm still alive,

183. so I'm inclined to believe you.

184. But let me ask, as agents for Fabian,

185. do you think he's being honest about his intent to help me?

186. Aha! You don't trust him.

187. - It's not— - Not at all. 0%.

188. - Well, time to run again. - Wait.

189. There are people out there who actually want to kill you,

190. and they could be anywhere.

191. Freeze! The Broker's coming with us.

192. No! He comes with us.

193. Does no one take the weekend off?

194. Okay, clearly a lot happen

195. Can we just do a quick roll call?

196. - Nyet. - Copy that, Russian Mafia.

197. Well, God damn it, Dmitri.

198. - Eh, can we get a move on here? - Oh, and classic Mafia.

199. Thanks, everyone.

200. Looks like we have Mexican standoff.

201. Easy, we don't use that term anymore.

202. Plus, none of us want to kill each other,

203. so it's more of a multicultural awkward dinner party.

204. Can you not antagonize the mobsters?

205. Big hand friend is smart.

206. Now, give us Broker and no one gets hurt.

207. Except Broker, obviously.

208. Hey, new idea.

209. I keep the Broker, and everyone else gets hurt

210. because he's under the protection of Sterling Archer.

211. The world greatest spy.

212. I work for The Agency.

213. Should that mean something?

214. - Gentlemen, gentlemen!

215. Might I suggest an alternative where no one gets hurt,

216. especially me? I mean, I get it.

217. No one wants their secrets out. I'd want me dead too.

218. Right, oh, it's nothing personal.

219. For sure. You are okay guy.

220. Look, comrade, I get it. I mean, I've got secrets too.

221. Gosh, if people knew that my grand-meemaw

222. still makes dinner for me every Sunday...

223. Oh, my babushka does too.

224. Come on, so does my nonna.

225. Every Sunday night, she makes a parmigiana could blow the—

226. Oh, damn it. He did it again.

227. Hey, did you know he runs marathons?

228. He must bring that up a lot.

229. - Ah, a lot. - Everyone, stop.

230. We want the Broker. - Ha, get in line, buddy.

231. Hiroshi! Oh, we haven't seen the Yakuza

232. since the Seattle negotiation.

233. And now we have to outrun a marathoner

234. and three criminal organizations

235. on a Saturday, Lana! - No, we don't.

236. I put a tracker on the Broker while we had him.

237. Because we always lose them.

238. Ready, AJ? I'm not gonna go easy on you

239. just because you're a—ah!

240. - Whew. Let's go again. - Damn, AJ.

241. Where'd you learn to fight?

242. My mom signed me up for judo classes

243. to help my self-confidence. Hyah!

244. Ah!

245. You know, there's such a thing as too much confidence.

246. Now remember, AJ,

247. your opponent won't always fight clean,

248. so it's good to mix in some dirty boxing.

249. Eyes, throat, groin.

250. Or standard boxing, hold the dirt.

251. Yah! - Ooh!

252. Damn.

253. Hey, Pam, we're still on mission,

254. but we should be done soon. How's AJ?

255. Great. She's playing with Cyril.

256. No, no, no, no, no!

257. Toying with him anyway.

258. Can you tell her I'll only be gone a little bit longer?

259. Plus her next few birthdays and most holidays.

260. Uh, you want me to say that second part?

261. No. Ah!

262. Hmm. Too easy.

263. Can we do something else?

264. I'm not sure Krieger's lab is the best place

265. for a child. - Preteen.

266. And why are you still in pads?

267. That last throw— which I let you do—

268. jammed the zipper. - It'll be fine.

269. Just don't touch anything or listen to anything

270. that tells you to free it.

271. Dang it, locked.

272. Probably for the best. Now who wants—

273. My mom always keeps an extra bobby pin in her hair,

274. so I do too.

275. Is it normal to be intimidated by a child?

276. For you? Absolutely.

277. Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

278. The tracker says he's in there.

279. So now I'm at Coney Island without my daughter.

280. Yeah, it's not a good look for you.

281. Oh, my God! - You see him?

282. - Oh, I see him. - We are mid-mission!

283. And mid-Saturday!

284. Wow! Is that a Raman spectrometer?

285. Maybe. How do you know that?

286. Mom sent me to science camp.

287. It was right after musical theater camp.

288. We did a production of "Stomp!"

289. Aunt Pammy would love to see that!

290. Not calling you that, and I don't perform on command.

291. - Great boundaries! - Whoa.

292. A sensory deprivation tank?

293. But why does it have so many wires?

294. AJ, no!

295. Ah! It's opening! - Kill whatever comes out.

296. What day is it?

297. - It's... Saturday. - What year?

298. The same one.

299. You are unbelievable.

300. I know, winning Poinkers on my first try?

301. You know how impressive that is?

302. They glue those bottles down, Lana.

303. I'll be impressed if you help me find the Broker

304. and get back to AJ.

305. I actually got this for AJ.

306. I know what it's like to have a mother who's neglectful—

307. And withholding.

308. Wait, there he is. Ugh, can we not?

309. - Ah!

310. Ah!

311. Honestly, I'm glad it's you two.

312. You seem like my best option. - Of all bad options.

313. But Fabian's better than the criminals

314. who want to kill you. - Eh, tough call.

315. Stop making this take longer!

316. I've already lost half the day with AJ.

317. Half the day of one weekend.

318. It's not one weekend.

319. There's always some mission or emergency

320. or moron who won't take our help—

321. no offense—I just feel like I'm blowing it as a mother.

322. - I know how you feel. - You have kids?

323. Oh, God, no. Had an absent mother.

324. It drove me to a life of crime.

325. Please? Please, Pam?

326. Okay, just this once.

327. This feels like really bad babysitting.

328. - We're not giving her a gun. - It's okay.

329. Grandma gave me shooting lessons

330. every year for my birthday,

331. except when I was in Europe because she said,

332. "They traded the right to bear arms

333. for having limp fries."

334. Fine, but no automatic weapons.

335. Nobody move.

336. - Aw, hi there, kitty.

337. - AJ, you shouldn't— - Rah!

338. That's what you sound like.

339. Aw, look how ferocious you are.

340. A ferocious little predator.

341. What in the damn zookeeper hell?

342. Language, Pam.

343. - What are you doing here? - It's Saturday.

344. Babou likes to use weekends to mark new territory.

345. So that means the shooting range

346. is now covered in ocelot urine? - Yeah!

347. Let's say it's just the shooting range.

348. That's... alarmingly good grouping.

349. Holy crap! Who are you, even?

350. It's just a hobby.

351. Seriously, who is this kid?

352. - Hmm, that's weird.

353. How does it not worry you?

354. Most things don't worry me, and I don't know

355. what you're talking about, so those two reasons.

356. I mean the idea that we're ruining AJ.

357. Lana, a million things will ruin AJ.

358. Us, weird friends, a bad week at summer camp.

359. Wait, that's your answer? "She's already ruined"?

360. I loved my summer camp.

361. I keep my jogging shoes in the basket I made.

362. We get it, you run!

363. We're all messed up by something, Lana.

364. There's murderers with great parents.

365. All you can do is what you're already doing.

366. Try your best and hope you get lucky.

367. That—actually helps a little.

368. Thanks.

369. Hey, Pam, we've got the Broker. Everything's fine.

370. we'll be back at the office in ten minutes.

371. Cool.

372. Uh, might want to make it sooner.

373. Oh, boy.

374. Why would all these criminal

375. go to our office?

376. Maybe because an idiot told them who he was

377. and where he worked.

378. I mean, that's one option.

379. To be clear, we're driving toward a building

380. full of people who want to torture and kill me?

381. Correct? - I don't wanna put plans

382. in their mouths, but probably.

383. Ah. Then I'll be getting out now.

384. You didn't check him for weapons?

385. It's Saturday!

386. You can just pull over anywhere.

387. Oh, shoot me.

388. I am saving my daughter, you jackhole.

389. No sense dying for her daughter.

390. Uh, technically she's my daughter too.

391. You two have a child together?

392. Yes, but not through sex.

393. This woman took my sperm to have a baby.

394. Oh, my God. - Go on.

395. Yeah, and then she never told me.

396. I told you when I was ready.

397. After AJ was born during a coup.

398. Not that you cared, because you abandoned her.

399. So you faked a kidnapping to make me care?

400. Only the first kidnapping.

401. The other one was real.

402. Anyway, she's back from Switzerland,

403. she barely knows me as a father,

404. and her mother is going through a divorce.

405. You know what? We gotta save this kid.

406. Listen up, people.

407. Until Archer and Lana get back,

408. as the babysitter, I'm in charge.

409. - Yeah, of the kid. - You wanna try me?

410. Not yet, but keep yelling!

411. You three, load up in the armory

412. then run and gun these mofos.

413. - AJ, "mofos" means— - I know.

414. I'll find AJ a place to hide until it's over.

415. Over meaning we win?

416. Sure.

417. Ah, not this again. Oh, well.

418. Wait, wait, wait.

419. We all want same thing, yes?

420. The Broker dead and bloody.

421. Then maybe we work together, comrades.

422. Oh, come on, look at us.

423. The Broker connecting us one last time.

424. This guy's the glue, you know?

425. God bless that soon-to-be dead man.

426. Can't you rig up an explosive

427. that will take them out all at once?

428. Hey, no backseat bomb building.

429. Yeah, we didn't tell you how to make your terrible ties.

430. Wait, you think I make my ties?

431. Ah!

432. AJ, I need you to hide in the lab.

433. But I can help.

434. I swear, I'm ready.

435. I know you are, honey, but you shouldn't have to be,

436. so Pam's got this one,

437. whether you call her Aunt Pammy or not.

438. All right, fellas!

439. Don't tell Mom the babysitter's about to kick your ass!

440. Ah! Taking a lot of bullets here.

441. Do you want me to rush this bomb?

442. No, but I don't love being shot.

443. And I don't love criticism.

444. Wait, wait, wait, you didn't isolate the blast radius.

445. It'll take us all out—

446. How are we not dead?

447. I built it so all the murder went that way.

448. Are you our demolitions expert now?

449. It's more of a hobby/religion for me.

450. Come out, little girl.

451. Ivan will not hurt you.

452. Ivan will just trade you for Broker...

453. and give puppy.

454. You like puppy, huh?

455. This is for making me

456. come to the office

457. on a Saturday!

458. Sorry. Apologies. Jacob, always a pleasure.

459. Ah!

460. Tell me where my daughter is,

461. or I will rip out your eyes, shove them up your ass

462. so that you watch my fist punch down your throat.

463. I don't even know who you are.

464. Ah! - Mommy!

465. - AJ! - Ah!

466. Sweetie, what did we say about gunfights?

467. - Serpentine! - Oh, how adorably competent.

468. Right, drop your guns. Do it!

469. - Bombs too? - Cheryl.

470. All right, let's all be cool.

471. Said the man holding my child

472. as a human shield. - Preteen.

473. This is a babysitter's worst nightmare.

474. Yeah, you're definitely not getting a tip.

475. No, no, no, no, no, let's all settle down.

476. Big Tony, this isn't like you.

477. I know, it's just, this didn't go down

478. like I thought it would, all right?

479. So more problems with Angie?

480. She wants a big wedding, and all the guests are her friends,

481. so—

482. Damn it!

483. - Is that an Irish jig? - Dance camp.

484. Wh—

485. Damn it, if they kill him,

486. we wasted a whole Saturday for nothing.

487. AJ, honey, I'm so sorry, but—

488. Go. I'll stay with Aunt Pammy.

489. Sh-she called me Aunt Pammy. I earned it!

490. - He went this way.

491. I'll get my car and meet you outside.

492. I'm pretty sure I left it in the garage last night.

493. Hmm, but not totally sure.

494. Sergeant Strawberry!

495. - Is that a—oh!

496. Yes, Lana, it's a lance!

497. That's them up there.

498. Ugh, could you ride a little smoother?

499. Sure, Lana, let me shift Sergeant Strawberry's gears.

500. Ugh.

501. Here, take the reins.

502. - I'm only saying, Dimitri—

503. Was that like 20 feet? That's gotta be a record.

504. I don't know, felt closer to ten.

505. Hey, you have running.

506. Let me at least have this.

507. Broker, I'm thrilled to see you alive.

508. It's one of my favorite things to be,

509. second only to wine tasting at your vineyard, of course.

510. How's the harvest? - Ah.

511. If the mildew doesn't get my sauvignons,

512. the beetles will.

513. Then we must hurry to get those grapes in a glass.

514. Oh, how I've missed you.

515. - Okay, what's your trick?

516. And does it work on daughters?

517. Instant intimacy? Well, the trick is,

518. there is no trick.

519. I connect because I genuinely care.

520. Like how you both care about your daughter.

521. See, Lana? The criminal negotiator

522. thinks we're good parents. - Mm, not what he said.

523. - Wait, where's AJ? - She's fine.

524. She wanted to wait in Grandma's office.

525. That had better be juice.

526. Mommy!

527. AJ, I'm so sorry.

528. I wanted this to be your best Saturday ever.

529. But it was.

530. I saw your office and played with Babou

531. and fired a gun and— - Pam!

532. What matters is we're all safe.

533. The takeaway here is she called me Aunt Pammy.

534. And we all helped babysit, which deserves compensation.

535. - You're a multimillionaire. - But I'm not a chump.

536. Amen, sister!

537. - Can we watch cartoons now? - I would love that.

538. Oh, God, yeah, it's juice.

539. Oh, my God, I still taste it.

540. Someone get me some whiskey.

541. Made in Georgia.