Archer 13x2

1. Plantain?

2. I don't care what it takes,

3. you are gonna get this plane in the air!

4. Eh, it's not getting it in the air that I'm worried about.

5. Listen to me, you backwater B. A. Baracus.

6. My tour group is on a deadline.

7. - And we're getting cranky! - And thirsty!

8. And probably dengue fever.

9. You want some help, boss?

10. No, and not your boss,

11. your guide on a scenic aerial jungle tour.

12. Yeah, we get lots of tours that come through here

13. with giant bags of guns.

14. - You being smart with me? - No, señor.

15. I don't think you'd understand me if I did.

16. Now, you listen good.

17. I don't know what tragic series of screw-ups

18. in the bird shit on a dog shit you call a life

19. led you to working in this tropical hellhole,

20. but trust me when I say

21. that if you don't find me a working plane,

22. I'll shove a propeller down your throat,

23. an engine up your ass,

24. and use you to fly my tour group!

25. Okay, you take off in five.

26. And that is called leadership.

27. Is it?

28. Felt more like a threat of sodomy.

29. That's the title of my novel!

30. Oh, relax. These old birds maintain themselves.

31. They're indestructible.

32. I'm calling my travel agent—this is a bad tour.

33. Not actually a tour.

34. Just a bad mission organized by a bad leader.

35. You guys, Fabian chose Ray to lead us.

36. I say we respect that, and—

37. I couldn't finish, even as a joke.

38. You suck, dude.

39. I'll—I'll admit that we're off to a rough start,

40. but if we stick together—

41. We'll die together?

42. Archer, help me out.

43. You've been in worse spots than this, right?

44. Archer? Archer?

45. Oh, sorry.

46. I was deep in thought about what would happen

47. if I took one of the thousands of piranhas

48. from the waters that now surround us

49. and shoved it down your esophagus.

50. And what would happen if I did the same thing 20 times

51. and then set you on fire?

52. I mean, he'd probably die.

53. Cheese and rice!

54. That was the cheese and rice.

55. Salvage with your back.

56. Ooh, if you see a very unstable bomb, that's mine.

57. And feel free to help, Archer.

58. I would, Ray, but not helping pays the same

59. and doesn't require trying.

60. What is your problem lately?

61. In Mother's absence,

62. I realized I can do what I want,

63. e.g., nothing,

64. when I want, e. g., now,

65. because no one is the boss of me anymore,

66. e.g., I'm done talking.

67. I am literally the boss of you.

68. Bomb! No, wait, rock.

69. Well, we're definitely on an island.

70. And surrounded by piranhas.

71. And possibly those hippos that escaped

72. from Pablo Escobar's zoo.

73. Good crash, Ray.

74. I didn't choose this.

75. I was trying to stay on schedule

76. to impress Fabian with my leadership.

77. You don't know the pressure I'm under

78. to make mission quotas.

79. I—God damn it, woman!

80. Quit licking the toads!

81. Ugh! Can we go to a different island?

82. The frogs here are non-druggie.

83. No. We dig in, wait for rescue.

84. Yeah, we need to keep up our strength for the mission.

85. So, obviously, piranha barbecue.

86. No! We need better frogs!

87. No! We need to get back up river!

88. No. No.

89. Yep. Yeah, sure.

90. No. - Everybody stop taking charge!

91. I'm already in charge, and I'm making a plan.

92. For how to fill the power vacuum left by you sucking?

93. For the mission—

94. liberating a stash of stolen medical supplies

95. from the warlord known only as Serpiente.

96. Ring a bell? - Oh, yeah.

97. We're still doing that? - Yes!

98. It's my only chance to maintain my leadership position.

99. - Slash parking space. - Ooh, stakes.

100. Look, we may have crashed and lost all our supplies.

101. And guns.

102. And a bomb that had sentimental value.

103. This was her detonator.

104. But we can get resupplied once we contact Fabian.

105. Cheryl, where are we with the hand-crank sat phone.

106. - Uh, on an island? - I mean, did you crank it?

107. A lady never tells.

108. Why are you even here?

109. It was the best of my bad options.

110. Lord of Cinders,

111. command me!

112. Forgot my keys when I left two minutes ago.

113. Oh, they're on the printer.

114. FYI, the Lord of Cinders is always looking for new candles.

115. Uh, good to know.

116. Margo?

117. Explode if you're close!

118. Krieger, stop trying to detonate a missing bomb

119. before you kill us.

120. Uh-oh, someone's mad they're not in charge.

121. No. I accept Fabian's decision.

122. I'm choosing to be good at my job

123. and let positive things come.

124. Like Ray getting more chances

125. to kill us with his arrogance and incompetence?

126. "Incobegence"!

127. Okay, it's charged.

128. Everybody shut up.

129. And this is your desk.

130. If you need anything, I'm right in there.

131. Oh, and if a rival agency attacks,

132. your chair is bulletproof.

133. Agent Gillette, status report.

134. Tiny hiccup.

135. We, uh, need an extraction.

136. Agent error, I presume.

137. Hi, Fabian.

138. Specifically lead agent error.

139. Quit it!

140. Look, Fabian, I-I-I know it's a poor carpenter

141. who blames his tools,

142. but I have got a team

143. of some real, real shit hammers down here.

144. And a helicopter extraction

145. would alert Serpiente to your presence,

146. compromising the entire mission.

147. The best I can do is a supply drop

148. with local pilots at your expense.

149. You can pick it up five miles downriver,

150. and it's another five to the compound.

151. So tally-ho.

152. Tally how? We're stranded on an island

153. in the middle of the Amazon, you doof!

154. Perhaps you've heard of a new invention.

155. It holds people and floats on water.

156. - Ice! - He means boats.

157. Ice can be boats. Ask Jeffrey Pike.

158. Call again when you're outside the compound

159. for further instructions.

160. Now, where were we?

161. God, you're like if syphilis was a person.

162. Hello? Damn it!

163. I don't think he heard that. Ray, call him back.

164. This mission doesn't make any damn sense.

165. How are we gonna extract

166. these supposed medical supplies anyway?

167. Well, we can start by building a raft

168. Huck Finn style,

169. but without all the, you know—

170. Analysis of the hypocrisy of civilized society?

171. - Archer, what are you doing? - My own thing, Lana.

172. Call me when we're leaving the island.

173. You know, I'm unarmed

174. and thus more likely to instantly kill...

175. anyone who tries to hurt my new best friend!

176. - I shall call you—

177. - Finished! - Are we?

178. You made a death trap

179. out of pieces of a previous death trap?

180. - Oh, sorry.

181. Everyone, this is Ryan.

182. - Charmed, I'm sure.

183. You're really gonna go this entire mission without helping?

184. I'm just embracing my new philosophy

185. of doing what I want when I want.

186. Ugh, isn't that what you always do?

187. Yes, but now I'm, you know, really leaning in.

188. Sorry, we're really leaning in.

189. But not on that raft. It's a death trap.

190. Enough! It's a great raft! And you want to know why?

191. Because only half of it is sinking?

192. Because we made it as a team.

193. Teamwork is getting us off this island.

194. There's a famous saying—

195. "If you want to go fast, go alone.

196. But if you want to go far—"

197. - Ryan! No!

198. Good news— I checked, and we have room

199. in the budget for an extract with the whisper copter.

200. Susan, if we help them now,

201. they'll never learn to walk on their own.

202. But I love your initiative.

203. You're now my executive assistant.

204. The position comes with a shotgun.

205. What are you saying?

206. Oh, he said, "Sacrifice through flame brings purity."

207. If you keep struggling, I'm done sucking out the venom.

208. Okeydoke, we need a new mission leader.

209. Pass. I'm still thinking about Ryan.

210. I meant me.

211. Or I could take a whack at it.

212. And why would you lead?

213. Why not? I'm the same rank as you and Archer,

214. and I'm literally saving Ray's life as we speak.

215. Aah!

216. Oh, okay.

217. Ray says, "Not fast enough,"

218. and that as Miss Archer's assistant,

219. I'm already de facto leader,

220. depending on what "de facto" means.

221. It shall be I who leads.

222. Where did you get a flare gun?

223. I found it in the wreckage.

224. And you wasted it

225. on a gesture highlighting your impotence.

226. Highlighting my lack of impotence!

227. He quavered.

228. - Also, flares attract hippos! - No, they don't.

229. Oh, then she's just a coincidence.

230. Oh! Jesus Christ!

231. Goddamn! Escobar breeds a good hippo.

232. It's sinking the raft!

233. What's that beeping?

234. Margo, you came back to me!

235. This reunion's going out with a bang! Ugh!

236. No! Margo!

237. - Look! - Yes! The supply drop!

238. What? No.

239. That cloud—it looks like a centaur choking me.

240. Solid leadership, Ray.

241. Ray?

242. Yeah. Ray's dead.

243. What? No.

244. Okay, people, let's move out,

245. starting with moving me.

246. We've got to hurry.

247. Someone else could have seen the supply drop.

248. - I could lead a team ahead. - And straight into quicksand?

249. At least I am trying to lead.

250. Hey, I'm still leading this mission!

251. Now, make me a stretcher and a fan out of palm fronds.

252. My skin is on fire.

253. We are not carrying you like a king.

254. Or burying you like one.

255. If you die, let's be honest, it's a shallow river grave.

256. I'd love that for you.

257. I'll be fine! Right, Krieger?

258. Eh...

259. So I sucked poison out of his face for nothing?

260. It's still a fun story.

261. But if Ray doesn't get antivenom soon,

262. there could be permanent consequences.

263. What, like, my face will stay like this?

264. Yes, because you'll be dead. Ugh.

265. Okay, I'm taking command.

266. Cheryl. - Present!

267. You stay with Ray and Krieger.

268. The rest of us will head for the drop,

269. then push on to find the medical supplies

270. and ideally antivenom.

271. Here, crank this

272. to take your mind off how you screwed the mission.

273. I got bit tripping over your stupid tapir!

274. A tapir, not my tapir!

275. You can't own something that majestic!

276. Ah! Ow.

277. FYI, Cyril, this jungle has trees.

278. You released the branch in my face.

279. As a teaching moment. You're welcome.

280. Jungle physics 101!

281. Can we not shout so much on this covert jungle mission?

282. Guys, guys, guys! I found a footpath!

283. No, I don't like it. It's too exposed.

284. Counterpoint—it's easier.

285. So you literally want to take the path of least resistance?

286. It's famous for a reason.

287. Oh, we should put it to a vote,

288. since, you know, we are all equals here.

289. Counterpoint.

290. And the nays have it.

291. Damn.

292. Why is the person in charge,

293. who also happens to be snake-bit,

294. turning the damn crank?

295. Come on! It'll get your blood flowing.

296. Ooh, actually, that's really bad.

297. Good news— - The others are back?

298. No, I'm done with your shallow grave.

299. I made it extra shallow.

300. You know, I didn't ask to lead this agency.

301. I just worked hard, stabbed a couple backs,

302. and when the position was offered to me, I said,

303. "Ray, take a risk. Try something new."

304. I say that in my lab all the time.

305. I have a jungle question.

306. What do you do if rocks are getting closer?

307. Uh, wait for them to leave.

308. That's your plan? Ray is dying!

309. Well, they have guns, and we have Cyril,

310. who is, like, the opposite of a gun.

311. If we'd stuck to the jungle,

312. we would have missed them completely.

313. Don't blame the path of least resistance for this.

314. I'm blaming you!

315. - Ooh, I've got an idea. - Guys, look.

316. Guys with guns are leaving?

317. Thank you, path of least resistance.

318. They're going for our supply drop, dummy,

319. which means they'll have more guns!

320. Hello? Lady with an idea here.

321. Well, yeah, there'll be some resistance later.

322. - Okay, I'm just doing it. - Ah.

323. If I could just get to that jeep...

324. Then you can get shot hot-wiring it?

325. Oh, man, you didn't say that was part of it.

326. Damn, you think you know a guy.

327. And then all of your suspicions are confirmed.

328. Now's our chance.

329. Gracias...

330. You're not the man we hired to catch the goat kisser.

331. There really is a goat kisser?

332. Punch it! What are you waiting for?

333. A gun!

334. Oh, my God, a baby Browning?

335. Um, this will be great if we need to bruise a sparrow.

336. Ray! You guys still there?

337. Help me! Help me! Get him off!

338. My douchey combat boots!

339. And also my leg!

340. Oh, my God, this hippo game is so much more fun in person!

341. Ah, we'll call you back!

342. Not that I care, but do you have a plan?

343. Why are you asking her?

344. I created the diversion that saved our asses!

345. Ugh! And double-knotted this rope!

346. Fine! What's your great plan?

347. Turn!

348. Now's our chance, while they're blind.

349. Oh, are those bananas?

350. No, plantains again. Ugh!

351. Hey, you think you could maybe use

352. our only gun on a bad guy?

353. I could try, but I'm not sure it would break the skin.

354. Close range doesn't count.

355. Ray, crate secure. We're en route to the compound.

356. Okay. Obviously, far be it for me to tell you

357. what your lived experience is as a spider.

358. But what I would ask is—

359. Aah!

360. Oh, my, I heard Ray scream.

361. Is the jungle still turning on him?

362. Wait. You're alone up there? Where's Pam?

363. ¿Qué pasa, homeys?

364. Great. These

365. Thank you, Percy Fawcett.

366. And thank you for ruining this entire mission.

367. How did I ruin the mission?

368. Ray's the leader, and Cyril almost got us eaten.

369. Killed, not eaten. Hippos are herbivores.

370. Ray may be in charge, but you drove off without Pam

371. and led us to a guerrilla camp and got Ray bitten.

372. And I wouldn't be shocked

373. if you're the reason our plane crashed.

374. Why? Because I saw a piece of the engine fall off

375. and didn't say anything?

376. - Oh, my God! - That is next-level lazy.

377. AKA, path of least resistance.

378. AKA, careless because you don't care about us, Archer.

379. And maybe you never did. I don't know.

380. I think you just became a spy to please your mother!

381. Too far?

382. What are you doing now?

383. Proving a point by getting in this truck

384. the hardest way possible, Lana,

385. then taking charge and getting Pam back because I care!

386. Are we happy about this?

387. I honestly do not know anymore.

388. And by the way, nothing pleased my mother!

389. Ray, any soldiers at the camp?

390. No, they're gone.

391. But this place is magical.

392. They have plants, waterfalls,

393. a strangely powerful sense of euphoria.

394. He sounds better.

395. Uh, that's just the endorphins triggered

396. by the snake and spider venom competing to ravage his system.

397. If his kidneys had mouths, they'd be screaming.

398. I thought maybe the venoms would cancel each other out,

399. like how two negatives make a positive.

400. Shut up and listen!

401. Lana blocked the road with thoughtless carnage.

402. Hello? I was saving us!

403. So find another way

404. to meet us at the compound to rescue Pam.

405. Roger. We'll take that helicopter.

406. Uh, that's just rubble.

407. Wait, why are we rescuing Pam?

408. Sorry I punched you in the balls.

409. In my defense, one of you kicked me in the cooter.

410. So, you know, a nut tap for a nut tap.

411. So how long till we get to the, uh—

412. Perfect 2/3 replica of the Taj Mahal?

413. I'd say "why," but the answer is clearly "because."

414. Stop admiring the warlord!

415. I bet the supplies are in there.

416. And there's Pam!

417. Now, this next part is a little tricky.

418. We hit "select" so that it prints collated.

419. Agent Gillette?

420. Uh, not speaking.

421. Archer, where is Agent Gillette?

422. - Well, he's either dead or— - Nailing it!

423. God, I wish I could see this.

424. - You sure you're good to fly? - Hell, yes.

425. I've got a hard-on

426. like the thing you fly the helicopter with.

427. Oh, yeah, that's actually venom-induced priapism.

428. It's a sign of— - Fun!

429. Is that dynamite?

430. I saw it first.

431. Also, we lost Pam.

432. Pam? Oh, yes, Pam.

433. Oh, I'll miss her Pamness.

434. But if you're at the compound, we can begin phase two.

435. Of how many phases?

436. Because at this rate, phase three will just be me

437. and the panther that eats Cyril.

438. Final phase— retrieve the red suitcase

439. on medical pilot YKLJ-56.

440. Wait, one suitcase?

441. I thought we were recovering medical supplies.

442. And I thought the mission would be over hours ago.

443. Find the suitcase, and you will be extracted.

444. Ta-ta.

445. - Well, that was— - Suspicious as hell?

446. Yeah! Are we really gonna—

447. Do the thing that gets us extracted?

448. Yes, here's the plan.

449. You two head for the warehouse.

450. Lana will retrieve the suitcase.

451. Cyril will find the antivenom, and then Lana will save Cyril.

452. Dang it.

453. Meanwhile, I'll murder Serpiente and save Pam.

454. I've always wanted to storm the Taj Mahal,

455. and this is at least 2/3 as good.

456. Serpiente!

457. And sorry.

458. That seems like a pre-existing craftsmanship issue.

459. You're late.

460. I'm rescuing you to prove that I care about you

461. and didn't just become a spy to impress my mother.

462. I mean you're late to kill Serpiente.

463. His soldiers killed him months ago for being a general dick.

464. That was our nickname for him!

465. And now they use his base

466. to distribute medicine to the local population.

467. Also, they grow coffee!

468. Coffee? So no warlord or drugs?

469. Wait, why'd they kidnap you?

470. I was too busy punching peens to listen.

471. But apparently they were— What was it?

472. Defending ourselves. Ay, caray.

473. Yeah, amigos,

474. yeah, that should make things easier, right?

475. Dinamita!

476. So I can't feel my body!

477. Oh, that's a good sign for the venom.

478. The Lord of Cinder demands sacrifice!

479. - Ahh! - I can hold it! I can hold it!

480. Oh, no, that's my penis.

481. Nice landing, boss.

482. Then demote me! Just give me antivenom!

483. I'm looking! I'm looking!

484. Oh, there are just so many labels!

485. Stab me with everything!

486. - Oh, shit, we need a new plan. - We have one.

487. Friendly fire, amigos.

488. Hello?

489. Tell your soldiers to cease fire.

490. Oh, I would, but someone blew up our radio tower.

491. Oh, sarcasm— that's very helpful right now.

492. Shit, I just did it, too. Point taken.

493. Uh, Archer, what about that?

494. God, could the resistance on this path get any worse?

495. Good news— my erection is back.

496. - You had an erection? - Oh, several.

497. Bad news— we're out of dynamite.

498. Ha ha! Taj my balls, bitches!

499. Lana, look, a fully alive Pam,

500. and I saved you and befriended a tapir all in one mission,

501. because, Lana, I care.

502. Great. You're just in time to get shot by the bad guys.

503. Well, technically, they're the good guys

504. and this was a huge miscommunication.

505. Look, it's the extract!

506. I'll lead the way.

507. Thanks.

508. Got it. I'll take it from here.

509. - Aah!

510. Stating the obvious, but, ow! - What the shit?

511. Uh, maybe that wasn't our IIA helicopter.

512. - Fabian?

513. The helicopter took the briefcase and not us.

514. If it's a weight issue, we can leave Cyril.

515. Thank you for the briefcase, Archer.

516. I have continuing business with Serpiente's successor.

517. Apologies for leaving you there.

518. But you can't know where it's going.

519. Damn it, Fabian!

520. When I see you, I'm gonna shove your ass so far up your ass,

521. you'll be upside down and inside out!

522. Enjoy the jungle.

523. I hear it's extra poisonous in the fall.

524. Where were we?

525. Oh, yes.

526. Which one of you is the leader?

527. Oh, buddy, don't open that can of worms.

528. - So can we get a ride?

529. Ryan! You came to find me!

530. Love truly is the strongest compass.

531. We know that tapir.

532. Made in Georgia.