Archer 12x8

1. - Look, I don't want to hurt Archer.

2. Oh. - Oh, thank God.

3. - But I will. God damn it.

4. - Every hour on the hour.

5. That's company policy, and I am a stickler.

6. - A stickler? Is that like the one up your ass-ler?

7. - Didn't quite get there.

8. It's simple,

9. give me the memory stick or Archer dies.

10. - Damn.

11. Should've saved the stick thing for that one.

12. - Look, we obviously want Archer back, but we—

13. - We'll do it.

14. - But where is Ms. Archer?

15. I'd like confirmation from her.

16. - She's distraught, but she deputized me

17. to make decisions on her behalf.

18. - Wait, Malory never—

19. - And one of those decisions is shut up.

20. And just for a bit of added incentive, know

21. I'll be beating Archer until the exchange takes place.

22. Ta, then.

23. - So that's it? We're really gonna give him

24. the blueprints to an energy source

25. that could kill a billion people if he weaponized it?

26. - And why exactly are you here?

27. - She's here to assess

28. the environmental impact of that gadget.

29. - So the detonation of a nuclear fusion weapon,

30. that would be bad?

31. - Well, yes.

32. - If only you'd gotten here sooner.

33. - Where in the world is Malory anyway?

34. - Oh. So we have to reveal

35. every part of our intricate plan

36. so you can blab it everywhere?

37. - We don't know.

38. - Can we please coordinate lies in advance?

39. I'm flailing out here like a one-armed milker on meth.

40. Pardon our dust. Moving in.

41. Expand or die you know,

42. although the second is really your only option here.

43. - Hey, I'm handcuffed and he just threatened to kill me.

44. Maybe you could, I don't know, call the police.

45. I-I get it, don't wanna jeopardize this lucrative job

46. of picking stuff up and later putting it back down.

47. Check your privilege.

48. - I'll never do that and you know it.

49. - Welcome to your accommodations.

50. I trust you'll be comfortable for four seconds.

51. Which are over.

52. - That would sound a lot more sinister if

53. you weren't standing next to a giant tub of jelly beans.

54. It's like if "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"

55. were exactly as creepy as it currently is.

56. - Hey, bud. What'd the five fingers say to Archer?

57. - Uh, nice to see you?

58. - No, they didn't say that.

59. They don't have mouths.

60. Man, this doesn't seem fair, does it?

61. - Hey, Other Barry, could I talk to Barry?

62. - Sure. You mind if I just keep laying 'em in here?

63. - Yes. - I thought so.

64. - Hey, bud. Barry here.

65. Fabian tried to hack my central processor

66. and I guess he kind of unleashed Other Barry.

67. And, man, does Other Barry not like you.

68. I really do consider you

69. one of my best friends despite all this.

70. Yeah, I'd cry if I had access to my tear ducts right now,

71. but I got no control, bud.

72. Other Barry is running the show.

73. - Don't worry, I'll do it for both of us.

74. - And again, I couldn't be sorrier about all this.

75. - You could try.

76. - See you in and hour, then. - Oh, you will.

77. And I've got everything I need right here.

78. Also, I'm probably severely concussed

79. which is why I'm talking to myself.

80. Right, Archer? Right, other Archer.

81. No, no, no. Let's not start that shit.

82. - So what is the maximum mass of a star

83. that will not go supernova?

84. - Uh—ooh, Estelle Getty.

85. I got a good feeling about that one.

86. - This is so much better than watching my a ocelot

87. eat endangered birds.

88. - So how's this going?

89. - Oh, about like you'd expect. - Next question.

90. Who is your favorite Golden Girl?

91. - Uh, Chandradeskar limit.

92. - That isn't—wait a second.

93. - Look, we need to figure out where Archer is

94. and I don't think this is helping.

95. Isn't there anything in Singapore

96. that you picked up other than gonorrhea?

97. - Ugh, poor people disease. I'm strictly spirochetes.

98. - Wait. Colt, didn't we find, like, a thing

99. in your old apartment? - Oh, yeah.

100. I meant to analyze this. - But you were too busy

101. exploring the golden age of television?

102. - Oh, so I'm supposed to keep track of everything

103. I'm supposed to be doing?

104. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

105. If I apply power,

106. I should be able to get a handle on what it does.

107. Ah!

108. - Come on. - Jesus.

109. Did we just contact the monolith?

110. - That was a radio signal! I'll try to trace it.

111. - It's a back door into the IIA mainframe.

112. I think I built the mainframe.

113. - Hey, guys,

114. I think it's possible I wasn't a very good person.

115. - Well, what's important is that you're a good guy now.

116. - And all it took was destroying 8% of your brain.

117. - Thank you. Wait, what?

118. - Oh, did I not tell you that?

119. Yeah. It's like... Gone. Totally destroyed.

120. - Well, lookee here. You running, squirrel meat?

121. - No, just heading to lunch with all the stuff

122. I ever brought here.

123. Fine, I was leaving.

124. Since we're about to be responsible for the apocalypse,

125. if I leave now, maybe I won't end up in a bone cage

126. where I'm slowly revenge-eaten by mutants.

127. - Okay, weirdo. That's why I'm staying.

128. No, Ray, we need you.

129. You were an employee of IIA. - I'm temp to perm!

130. - This is just HR talking here,

131. but I know that that would give you limited access

132. to their system and a general sense of how it's structured.

133. - Dukes. Damn your HR acumen.

134. So what's the plan here?

135. - We go get Archer.

136. - That's the plan?

137. - Yeah. I mean, a frontal assault on an IIA compound?

138. - I don't know. They seem pretty good.

139. I mean, sure, we're gonna kick their asses, but, like, are we?

140. - So, what? A sternly worded letter?

141. - I got my pen,

142. and it's mightier than a sword

143. full of word poison.

144. - Look at you, about to roll over

145. to these boring overlords. Where's your self-respect?

146. You used to be the best in the world at this!

147. - Jesus, neck bones is right.

148. - God damn it, I am in. - Let's do this.

149. - Wait, you guys, I was being sarcastic.

150. You all suck and you always have.

151. work on voice tone.

152. Invisible tape recorder off. Boop.

153. - Oh, come on, we're playing hide and seek now?

154. Red Rover, red Rover, let Archer—

155. shit, wait, that's the wrong game.

156. - So, uh, this was the plan, bud?

157. - The coffee pot was to breach your exterior,

158. the staples were to, um, uh, jam your gears.

159. - Jam my gears? I have frictionless bearings.

160. I'm a wonder of modern technology,

161. not a freaking cuckoo clock.

162. Come on. - Okay, I get it.

163. - Think I'd go through the trouble of making myself

164. a death robot whose only weakness is office supplies?

165. - Fine. You don't have to be a dick about it.

166. I wanted to make a blender glove

167. but that stuff wasn't here.

168. Then I got distracted by the jelly beans.

169. - Blender glove.

170. All right. That might have been cool.

171. Okay. - Barry, are you in there?

172. - Hey, bud.

173. - Can you talk to Other Barry, here?

174. - Uh, sure thing. Hey, Other Barry,

175. why do you wanna do this?

176. - I have a really great answer to that,

177. and it's "shut up."

178. - Classic avoidance.

179. Afraid of what you might find, Other Barry?

180. - You had sex with my fiancée

181. and dropped me from a building. Twice.

182. Which made me into this.

183. - A mechanical demigod? Come on, man.

184. We experience sex in eight dimensions now.

185. - Wow, you do?

186. Maybe you should drop me off a building.

187. - Oh, I'm planning on it.

188. Would you stop throwing boxes? It's really annoying.

189. - Other Barry, you're not a person.

190. You're the rage I felt at Archer.

191. I pushed you deep down into my meta programming.

192. - Wait, really? - You're the part of me

193. I tried to get rid of.

194. - Well, I'm still here. Okay, Archer?

195. - Barry, heal thyself. - Seriously, shut up.

196. Archer!

197. Damn it, that's not it either.

198. - Archer, he's coming. You probably know that,

199. but, honestly, it feels weird and helpless

200. to ride around on a psychopath,

201. so I'm just saying stuff to feel alive.

202. - You again? I was about to get away.

203. - Eh, I think he had you.

204. Uh, might wanna try behind him.

205. Man, I like this guy.

206. - Oh, come on. What kind of world would it be

207. if every person I insulted made my life worse?

208. - I don't know, a better one.

209. - Ow.

210. - And that's lunch.

211. See you in an hour, champ.

212. - Great, now I landed on my keys.

213. Wait, I don't have keys on me. How did I...

214. That mover slipped it into my pocket.

215. I take back everything I said about you.

216. Well, I take back 60% of what I said; no need to overreact.

217. - We'll do the exchange. Just d on't hurt him anymore.

218. Remember, th is is a non-lethal mission.

219. - Wait, for real?

220. - I want them alive to relive the pain

221. we're about to inflict on them over and over again.

222. There's my girl.

223. - And we're go.

224. - Nice. Extensive bathroom coverage.

225. - Just two peas in a pervert pod.

226. - Hey, I'm working on one of those.

227. - Okay. We can all agree I look banging in this,

228. but how are we gonna get in this place?

229. They've got at least two guards at every entrance.

230. - Right. But now that we're in their system,

231. I'll just leave a couple negative

232. performance reviews and...

233. - I appreciate the creativity, but won't that take...

234. - Suspended.

235. Trust me, this place is more uptight

236. than a preacher's wife at an orgy.

237. - And you liked working there? - They had great snacks.

238. - At the orgy? - See, that right there

239. makes me wonder why I'm taking her inside.

240. - Hey, I have extensive training in—not anything.

241. So wait, same question.

242. - You need to go in there and sow chaos.

243. I want that place looking like

244. an escaped tiger hit Mardi Gras.

245. - Everything has led me to this.

246. - Uh, where were you carrying that?

247. - Cyril and I are gonna go get Archer.

248. - Here you go; these should get you through the building.

249. And if they don't, my bad.

250. - Has anybody heard from Ms. Archer at all?

251. Kind of seems like she'd wanna be a part of this.

252. - Hey. Yeah. Where is Ms. Archer?

253. - No. Nothing. No way.

254. I mean, it's just weird how not at all I've heard from her.

255. - Something you'd like to share with the class, Pam?

256. - Uh, no. - There's not a secret

257. you want tell 'cause it's so secret?

258. - I—I...

259. Fine! Fine! I'll tell you.

260. I've been thinking about getting bangs.

261. It feels so good to let out.

262. - Nice cover. - Whew, that was close, huh?

263. Oh, come on.

264. - Hey, hold up.

265. I'm fired? Oh, my God, what am I gonna tell my wife?

266. Susan's gonna leave me.

267. - Damn it, Archer.

268. - Hey, gang.

269. Yeah, it still works like that. Thanks for checking, though.

270. - Oh, hey. - Oh, hey.

271. - So I managed to escape

272. right when you guys were running a rescue mission

273. and now everyone is inside with a schizo death cyborg?

274. - Uh, yes.

275. - How is your timing so bad?

276. - Well, one could argue that your—

277. - Shut up. Gimme a Tactile Cane

278. and everything else you have in the van.

279. - Everything? - Who knows what

280. we'll need to take down Barry?

281. Mind-melt helmet, the shock paddles, everything.

282. - You mean, like, everything-everything?

283. - Well, we don't need the stuff you use

284. to, like, circle jerk with ghosts.

285. - Well, to be fair, that stuff is mine.

286. If they're sticky, that's ectoplasm and nothing else.

287. - We've gotta get out of here.

288. - No, we need to find Archer first.

289. Hey, just for, like, your FYI,

290. Archer actually made it out on his own.

291. Don't worry, he's on his way back in

292. to get you guys out.

293. - What? So the same thing can happen again?

294. Eesh, I hope not. That would suck,

295. Especially 'cause the building's on fire.

296. What the hell?

297. - Did you drug all those people?

298. - No. I just put angel dust in one of the water coolers.

299. They drank that water out of their own free choicing.

300. - Not what "free choice" means.

301. - Okay. Maybe more running.

302. - I suppose I'm looking for a reason my guards

303. are leaving and the rest of my employees

304. are stark raving bonkers.

305. Well, I'd like to state for the record

306. that you are not a golden being of light,

307. but are in fact...

308. fired.

309. So are you here to find Archer or shoot me?

310. Because I actually have a preference on that.

311. - Both.

312. Freeze! - Don't move.

313. - I was this close to feeling regret.

314. Would've been a first for me.

315. Incidentally, why are you dressed like that?

316. - Isn't it obvious?

317. Guess the old gal's still got it.

318. - Da mn it. You weren't supposed to set fire

319. to the whole building. - No one said that!

320. At least it's sexier now.

321. - That's not a song.

322. - Come on, guys. You can beat him.

323. Use what's around you.

324. - Will you shut up? Archer already tried that,

325. and it was—ah, ah!

326. These are delicate optical sensors.

327. Do you have any idea how much these cost?

328. More than your head? - Do what now?

329. - Now, I go into your mind and take you apart

330. from the inside. Hit it, Krieger.

331. - Yeah. My skull is shielded.

332. But I have to know,

333. what exactly did you think would happen?

334. - I thought I'd maybe go inside your mind

335. and there'd be a Barry and a separate Other Barry.

336. - And? - And Other Barry

337. would be some kind of Gigeresque monstrosity,

338. and then Barry and I would defeat Other Barry

339. in some kind of metaphorical combat

340. which would forever extinguish Other Barry.

341. - And? - Barry and I

342. would be friends again.

343. God, what happened to you?

344. - I'll tell you friendship.

345. - Whatever.

346. Now that's what I call...

347. - Mother? - Well, don't just stand there,

348. idiots; do something!

349. - Archer, I can do a hard reboot from inside here,

350. but you have to stun me.

351. Just do it. - But you'll die.

352. - Nothing can change that now.

353. - Now, Krieger.

354. - Thanks, bud. Hard reboot now.

355. - You saved my life, Barry. - No, you saved mine.

356. - Um, how?

357. - I don't know. Just felt right to say.

358. Good—good night,

359. Sweet... me.

360. - No!

361. - Wait, that shock brought some things back.

362. I built the IIA system

363. and I know how to take down the entire company.

364. All we gotta do is—

365. - You betrayed me. You were like a brother to me.

366. - I-I was?

367. - Oh, that's unsatisfying.

368. - You guys get out. I'll take Fabian.

369. Just make sure Mother is safe.

370. Oh, I guess she already left at some point.

371. Right.

372. - Gotta hang on, man.

373. - No, this is it. Just promise me.

374. - Anything. What? - Do more science.

375. Just really weird, fucked up shit.

376. Stuff where even you're like, "Man,

377. I shouldn't have done that."

378. Do that.

379. - I will.

380. - Thank you for being a friend.

381. - Um, hate to interrupt, but let's get out of here.

382. - Not getting away that easy.

383. - You know, that cane is appropriate.

384. You're old. Your time has passed.

385. The modern world has no used for your little spy boutique.

386. You might as well be selling buggy whips.

387. - Yeah. Maybe I should sell teeth instead.

388. - Why would you sell—

389. - And we have a buyer. - Right.

390. Now, let's try that again.

391. The almighty Archer,

392. barely a shadow of your former self.

393. - You know, I should thank you. - This ought to be good.

394. - I hate you so much,

395. I think I just realized I don't need my cane anymore.

396. God, I hate this hallway.

397. - Thanks for creating an escape route for me.

398. try to come after me or drag your friend out of here.

399. Ta-ta.

400. - You again? - So it would appear.

401. - Why did you help me even after I'd insulted you?

402. - Why else are we here?

403. - Wow. I need to hang out with more movers.

404. - Robert.

405. - How did it go? I'm on tenterhooks, here.

406. - Well, we got Archer back and burned down a building.

407. - Ah, good. And the memory stick?

408. - We'll figure it out in the morning.

409. We were too tired to deal with it.

410. You know, I find it odd that an environmentalist

411. would have the shower going while he's in bed.

412. And also... okay, you are naked.

413. - Lana, I know what it looks like

414. and that's exactly what it is.

415. I understand it's awkward. - Awkward?

416. - That word seems to trigger you.

417. Was I wrong in assuming we had evolved

418. into a de facto open marriage?

419. - Why would you assume that?

420. Wait, did you talk to Archer? - Yes. We had a conversation.

421. - That chatty, soon-to-be-dead man.

422. Look, what happened to Japan is not even close to this.

423. - Wait, what happened in Japan?

424. - It was—is that not what we're talking about?

425. - I was talking with him when you got

426. that bartender's phone number. - It was a receipt.

427. And that was enough for you to cheat on me?

428. - And what about Japan?

429. - You didn't even know about that.

430. This is about you being so jealous over a phone number—

431. I mean, a receipt!

432. - So you thought it was a phone number?

433. I knew it. - I almost died today, okay?

434. Like, a lot. - Well, we didn't know that

435. because you cut us out of the whole thing.

436. - Wait a minute, who's "us"?

437. - Ugh, I got tired of waiting in the bathroom.

438. - Yep. I'm out.

439. - Stupid bouncer.

440. Maybe you have unprocessed trauma

441. that you're expressing as hostility.

442. And, by the way, when did bouncers get so insightful?

443. Huh?

444. Should we wait for mother, Pam?

445. - Don't look at me, she just told me

446. to coordinate the rescue with her.

447. She didn't wanna tell you guys because she thought you'd blab

448. and blow her element of surprise.

449. - And she told you? A woman whose loose lips have sunk

450. so many ships they should be named

451. Admiral Nelson and concept of torpedoes?

452. - Well, pardon me for experiencing emotional growth,

453. you dick. - I guess we start without her.

454. So now that we're all rested, ideas for the memory stick?

455. - Really? Nothing?

456. So we slept on it for no discernible reason?

457. - Well, not no discernible reason.

458. I think you can all relax.

459. - Robert, I don't think another infusion of cash

460. is going to make a difference.

461. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm done burning money.

462. I sold the agency to a well-funded equity group,

463. United Money Partners.

464. You could destroy the chip and stay afloat.

465. - United Money Partners, LLC.

466. Looks like that's owned by a General Business, Inc.,

467. which is actually a shell company owned by YYZ.

468. - Zed. - Which is in turn owned

469. by a majority stakeholder named—

470. - Fabian Kingsworth.

471. I was just so impressed with your initiative,

472. grit, and improvisation last night,

473. I knew that IIA had to acquire you.

474. - Yes! - Really?

475. - They have great snacks.

476. - Archer, I hate to use the term "fun fact,"

477. but did you know that as part of a tax dodge,

478. your apartment and everything in it is property of the agency

479. and therefore mine?

480. And so is that memory stick.

481. - Not so fast. - Oh, what now?

482. - Yeah. Curious where you're going with this.

483. - There's one thing you fail to understand, Fabian,

484. and when I reveal it,

485. you will realize that you have been taken for a fool.

486. - And what's that, Archer?

487. - So what kinda snacks are we talking about?

488. - Hey. I-I don't think you wanna do that.

489. - No, let 'em. Give me that.

490. "My dearest Sterling, do you remember what I told you

491. "on your first day of training? You probably don't, but it was,

492. "'Always know where the exits are.'

493. "And with all the chaos and confusion of late,

494. "I thought it would be wise to make my own exit

495. "in my own time, on my own terms and in a way

496. "that I can never be found by my enemies

497. or all my lovesick paramours, who are literally countless."

498. Ugh.

499. "And so I've decided

500. "that it's time to pass the torch.

501. Try not to burn yourselves with it."

502. - What? It relaxes me.

503. - "And I know my decision may seem abrupt,

504. "but we don't always get to choose the perfect moment.

505. "Take care of yourselves, and especially you,

506. "my Sterling, because from wherever I am,

507. "I'll be watching over you.

508. Love, Mother."

509. - If I see this glass empty again,

510. I will be very unhappy.

511. - And how is my lady love?

512. - Infinitely better now.

513. - Made in Georgia.