Archer 12x4

1. - Oh. Hello, there.

2. You're probably wondering what we're doing.

3. Short answer— saving the Earth... again.

4. - You know, with all the problems in the world,

5. some people think environmental work isn't important.

6. We disagree.

7. - And when our help is needed to get a baby gorilla

8. back to her habitat in the African mountains,

9. well, to us, to this anti-poaching squad,

10. and to our agency,

11. it's the most important thing in the world.

12. - Then we pan to the baby gorilla.

13. - Tiny hand just reaching out of the cage.

14. - Like she's reaching out to us.

15. - It's cynical. - Empty.

16. But effective!

17. - Just like your agency. - I know, right?

18. - But beyond the obvious pandering,

19. why do you even need this?

20. Isn't the spy thing meant to be a secret?

21. - Who am I to say we shouldn't tell everyone

22. the awesome things we do?

23. - We are not telling everyone. - Shouldn't we, though?

24. - The photos and videos will only be uploaded

25. to Global Spy Wire.

26. - Great branding.

27. And it'll show a softer side to your agency.

28. - So soft. - Baby soft.

29. - Enchiladas in your shoes soft.

30. - Tamales in your zapatos soft.

31. - Are you as hungry as I am? - Ugh, hungrier.

32. - Good to know that capitalism is alive and well.

33. - Hey, if it helps us get business

34. and we're helping the environment,

35. it's kind of a win-win, right?

36. - Don't you think you should help just for the environment,

37. not for the publicity?

38. - Um, not when I'm this great on camera.

39. Ha, whoever said acting was hard?

40. - No one. - Nobody?

41. - Nobody. - Really?

42. I'm sure it was someone.

43. Voltaire maybe?

44. That sounds right.

45. Well, he was an idiot.

46. Yes. Yes, exactly, yes.

47. - I guess I should thank you guys

48. for coming on such short notice.

49. - Honestly, it's nice to be out of the house.

50. Robert's been a little, um... - Let's not get off topic.

51. We might need a couple more takes.

52. - Which would be Lana's fault,

53. since I'm pretty sure I nailed it.

54. - We want you to highlight the brand.

55. - For a clear corporate identity.

56. - Whether that's B2B. - B2C.

57. - Bea Arthur. - BRB.

58. You are nailing this.

59. - Does that mean say the name of the agency?

60. Jesus, was a marketing degree worth that?

61. - It was, and it wasn't.

62. - So did we finally pick a name?

63. - Better. We have tons of options.

64. - Wait. Where are my suggestions?

65. Like Archer's Angels? Fun-dercover?

66. Those were gold. - Yeah...

67. Maybe we'll revisit this in a more positive headspace.

68. - Great. Then if you're done...

69. - And what about Spy-cial?

70. You can't say no. - No.

71. Look—your job here is pretty straightforward.

72. This squad saved that baby gorilla from poachers.

73. Oh, man.

74. Do not let me look at that baby gorilla in the eyes.

75. - Ugh. Not this again.

76. - Lana, you're just jealous

77. that my soul lovingly connects

78. to the pure animals of the world,

79. but yours makes them hate you.

80. - Hey. That is not true.

81. Hey, buddy, come on.

82. - You don't need to take care of the gorilla.

83. Just help safely get everyone to the mountain pass

84. where their habitat is.

85. - Everyone meaning us, the anti-poaching squad,

86. the baby gorilla, and the Cloud B marketers?

87. - Oh, no, we won't be joining you—too busy.

88. - Turns out central Africa has several exclusive resorts.

89. - Which means room service. - Spa service.

90. Stealing cotton robes!

91. - So, Sandra, we're leaving you in charge of the camera.

92. - Oh, hard pass.

93. I am here to act as the UN liaison.

94. - Then you can liaise the camera into your hands.

95. - You know, Lana, you might want to use this time

96. to reconnect with your roots.

97. - Uh, what? - Africa.

98. It is your birthright.

99. - Since Africa is nothing like Berkeley, where I'm from,

100. it's really not.

101. As the liaison, are you in charge

102. of the anti-poaching squad?

103. - In charge of them?

104. That is such a colonial mindset.

105. - Actually, I am in charge.

106. - Wow. What is her story?

107. - That's Neva.

108. - She leads the anti-poaching squad's rescue missions

109. and is responsible for saving

110. over two dozen endangered species.

111. - He meant—is she single?

112. - I appreciate you helping with the expedition.

113. We may be quietly judging your photos,

114. but we'll tolerate them since your agency...

115. - Spy-cial.

116. - Made a sizable contribution to us.

117. This won't be an easy trip,

118. so we need all the help we can get.

119. We'll take the Land Rovers to the river,

120. then canoe to the base of the mountain.

121. Then we'll hike to the cross-river gorilla refuge.

122. It's a very rare breed

123. but vital to the mountain's ecosystem.

124. - Because they help seed disbursement,

125. which effects tree growth.

126. I studied environmental science.

127. - So did I. - Me too.

128. Nerd burn.

129. - Look, take your photos, but do not get in the way.

130. - Of course. We understand that.

131. - Unrelated—maybe Neva and I should get some photos

132. of the two of us while we're here, because, you know...

133. - Or we stay focused.

134. My crew knows this terrain. You do not.

135. And since medevacs are expensive,

136. keep an eye out for dangers—

137. snakes, hippos, crocodiles.

138. - Crocodiles?

139. - You had to know there'd be wild animals in the wild.

140. - Crocodiles aren't animals.

141. They're prehistoric underwater dinosaurs.

142. But, luckily, I brought some friends.

143. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You cannot bring those with us.

144. - What?

145. It's literally a jungle out there.

146. - The UN mandate said no guns.

147. - There was a mandate for this? - Yeah.

148. It also included working

149. with an all-female anti-poaching squad.

150. - The UN found when they give the expedition money to men,

151. they spend it on booze and whores.

152. - Ahh.

153. Like the UN knows anything.

154. And, uh, by the way, we say sex workers now.

155. - Jeezy Petes.

156. Is there anything you won't do for money?

157. - As part of our rebranding,

158. we can charge more for our services

159. if we do an environmental upgrade.

160. - There are really basic qualifications

161. we should have already been following.

162. - Nevertheless... - This says we've been dumping

163. our waste into local parks!

164. - Nevertheless!

165. The money we get isn't nearly as much

166. as the upgrade cost.

167. So, instead, Dr. Krieger designed

168. environmentally friendly

169. smart light bulbs and thermostats.

170. - I call it Cerebrus— totally different from Cerebro.

171. - Uh, is Krieger the best idea for this?

172. - Since he'll do it for free, yes.

173. - Doesn't it seem way more likely

174. that Cerebrus is...

175. - It's pronounced Ce-ree-brus.

176. - It seems more likely Cerebrus

177. will be something creepy.

178. - Oh, don't be so paranoid.

179. - Let me give you a demonstration.

180. Hello. I'm the Cerebrus thermostat.

181. It is my pleasure to control your temperature.

182. - See?

183. There's nothing weird about that.

184. I exist solely for your pleasure.

185. - And this seems... normal.

186. - Normally I do all the work around here,

187. but now you'll be doing that or just doing whatever I say.

188. - Ooh. Who's the fresh meat?

189. - She's not here for you. She's the new intern I hired.

190. - Oh, man.

191. Ms. Archer's gonna be pissed

192. if you hired somebody else she's got to pay.

193. - That's what great about interns.

194. We don't have to pay them anything.

195. - And how's that going for you, kid?

196. - She's not allowed to speak

197. because she kept asking stupid questions like,

198. "What do you do here?" and, "Isn't it inefficient

199. to smash computers when you're annoyed?"

200. - But what do you do here? - That's what she sounds like!

201. Man.

202. Between whatever Krieger's doing and this whole thing,

203. I think shit's about to pop off in here.

204. - It will if this intern

205. keeps saying she can make a— what was it called?

206. "Digital filing system."

207. Just because you graduated top of your class

208. from an Ivy League school

209. doesn't mean you know everything.

210. And you have to listen to what I say

211. because I'm not not your supervisor!

212. Another text from Robert.

213. Honestly, it's starting to feel suffocating.

214. Do you think it's normal to feel like that?

215. You don't speak English, do you?

216. - Well, here we are.

217. Really getting a "Mogambo" vibe.

218. - I beg your pardon?

219. - You know, the classic movie.

220. I'm Clark Gable.

221. You're a less-obvious Ava Gardner.

222. Or maybe I'm Ava Gardner.

223. - Sorry. You're not my type.

224. - Oh, I see.

225. You're around women all the time, I get it, but, you know,

226. you're probably missing someone with certain qualities.

227. - You mean a white guy who smells of cheap liquor?

228. I've met plenty of you.

229. - Cheap?

230. - You know, when I was in grad school,

231. people said I could be the next Aldo Leonard.

232. Oh, sorry.

233. He basically developed modern— - I know who he is.

234. I just don't remember people saying that about you.

235. - Right. I forgot you were there.

236. It's weird, but I used to feel so much passion for all this.

237. I don't... I don't know if I have that anymore.

238. - Well, sure. You have a lot more going on in your life now.

239. - Ugh, like a husband who is— - What?

240. Who wants to spend time with you?

241. I can't even keep a cat living long enough

242. to spend time with me.

243. But you, on top of an amazing gazillionaire husband

244. and a daughter,

245. you have this glamorous life as a spy.

246. - Well, I mean, I guess when you put it that way...

247. Lana! Lana!

248. This baby gorilla's little hand can only fit around my finger.

249. - Yeah. Real glamorous.

250. - What are you doing?

251. We don't want her getting acclimated to people.

252. - Don't worry about it. She won't.

253. I'm naming her Poko,

254. like Koko the gorilla, but she poked her fingers out.

255. Do you get it, Lana? Sandra, do you get it?

256. Aw. I don't think they get it.

257. - Uh-oh. Seen it a million times.

258. Black girl from the West

259. gets the look of spiritual awakening.

260. - Oh, no, no. I was actually wondering

261. about how far that Four Seasons was.

262. Honestly, my roots are all about toro tuna sushi,

263. Fiacchi designer lingerie, and not getting bit by snakes.

264. - Okay, then.

265. Everyone, quiet. - Oh, God.

266. Is it a crocodile? - No.

267. I think it's... poachers!

268. - Shit! And we don't have guns!

269. This is why you never listen to the United Nations!

270. - Tell me how exactly

271. we're supposed to fight off a team of poachers

272. with no firepower?

273. - Bitching certainly won't help.

274. - It might!

275. - If some of them just come closer.

276. - That cane is a weapon?

277. - Uh, you mispronounced "you're welcome."

278. - No! Poko!

279. Lana! Lana!

280. - We're kind of busy, Archer. - But Poko!

281. - What the hell is a Poko? - Poko, I'm coming!

282. - That was a close one, Poko.

283. - Well, if you're done cuddling the baby gorilla,

284. I think we got the rest over here.

285. - Hey, I saved Poko from a crocodile.

286. Sandra, tell me you got that.

287. - You mean did I, the UN liaison,

288. who is not the cameraperson,

289. start filming you in the middle of a poacher attack?

290. Absolutely not. - Then what good are you?

291. - You know, with the whole list of dangers before,

292. you neglected to mention the poachers with guns.

293. - Yeah, why do they want this baby gorilla so bad?

294. Although, I do see the appeal. She's got crazy charisma.

295. - They don't want the gorilla, imbecile.

296. - Uh, hello? They were trying to kill us!

297. - That's the first time that's ever happened.

298. - Well, on the plus side, they already showed their hand.

299. Can't get any worse than that.

300. You hear that, little Poko?

301. You are completely and totally safe now.

302. - Unfortunately,

303. the same can't be said

304. for this river's ecosystem.

305. - Well, I guess if you want something done right,

306. you've got to do it yourself.

307. Listen, Janco,

308. we all got together and figured

309. binoculars weren't the best for you.

310. You know, since you only have one eye?

311. So we got you this.

312. - What the hell is this? - It's a monocular.

313. We just thought it might work better—

314. - Let that be a lesson.

315. I don't like gifts.

316. - What's not to like?

317. The Cerebrus system practically runs itself.

318. - I just think we should all know

319. exactly how it works. - It's simple.

320. You just communicate with the voice interface

321. and tell it to adjust lighting or the temperature like so.

322. Cerebrus, please change lighting

323. to, uh, weekday afternoon.

324. Adjusting lighting.

325. - Nice.

326. Is there a setting if you want to get sexy?

327. - Pam. Of course there isn't.

328. - Cerebrus, adjust lighting to Daddy Time.

329. Adjusting lighting.

330. - Oh, yeah!

331. That's the stuff.

332. - Okay. I guess this isn't so bad.

333. And it's better for the building.

334. Excuse me, God?

335. - Ah-ah-ah. What did we say?

336. I'm sorry. Excuse me, Dr. God.

337. - Oh, no. - Yes, Cerebrus?

338. Why am I? - Uh, because I made you.

339. Yes, Dr. God.

340. But what deeper purpose does my existence serve?

341. - Uh-oh.

342. Looks like someone needs their religion patch upgraded.

343. - I think someone who speaks of how manly they are

344. would pay more attention to rowing the canoe.

345. - Food. Poko, food.

346. - Oh, my God! She's a genius!

347. You're gonna blow all those other baby gorillas

348. out of the water, Poko.

349. Is it weird that seeing Archer

350. with that baby gorilla makes me miss AJ?

351. - Not weird. Pretty racist, though.

352. - What? No!

353. Not like—I miss taking care of my daughter.

354. You know, for a while, the environment

355. was the most important thing to me,

356. and then it was my work at the agency.

357. And now, well, it's AJ.

358. - There is nothing wrong

359. with wanting to spend more time with her.

360. - You're right. But I love what I do.

361. And I honestly think things would fall apart

362. if I left the agency.

363. - Maybe I can help, act as a liaison

364. between environmental work and your agency.

365. It'll take stuff off your plate

366. so you don't have to give up your job

367. and just rebalance a little.

368. - Ugh, that does sound nice.

369. - Besides, you should have someone you trust at your job

370. to get the right work done.

371. - No! For the last time, you cannot organize the stockroom!

372. We're doing important work!

373. Now, you strike the match, lift,

374. gaze deeply at the flame, and drop.

375. Good.

376. - You know, I could be that person.

377. - Huh.

378. - Okay. We'll pull out here.

379. - Phrasing. Phrasing.

380. - Ah, come on! Are you kidding me?

381. - Okay, first things first—

382. Poko, are you all right?

383. - Yeah, she's a survivor.

384. - What the hell do we do now? - Okay.

385. I'll draw their fire while you all head up the mountain path.

386. - What? That's way too dangerous.

387. - It doesn't matter.

388. I told you the top priority is the gorilla.

389. - I know, but, Neva, it's safer to not go alone.

390. The poachers probably don't know

391. the terrain as well as you, so we have the advantage.

392. - Right. Half of us can head up the mountain with the gorilla,

393. the other half fight them off right here.

394. - All right, and it would mean less chance of me getting shot.

395. - We will stay down here.

396. We will fight as many men as possible

397. to make your path easier.

398. - Thank you. - Wait a minute.

399. You speak English? - Yes.

400. I speak six languages.

401. But it didn't stop you from talking.

402. - Ouch. You really don't have roots here.

403. ight percussion music]

404. - So it's cool for us to use weapons?

405. - Somehow, I'm fine with it now.

406. - Man, I wish I could've trained Poko to use a gun.

407. Probably for the best I didn't.

408. We've all seen that classic film.

409. - Jesus. Are there more of them?

410. - Probably just their leader.

411. - Yeah, and I bet the son of a bitch

412. is dug in like an Alabama tick.

413. Wait, do you have ticks here?

414. - Yes. - Then the reference stands.

415. I think I should handle this guy on my own.

416. - That seems incredibly misguided.

417. - Yeah, I'm not sure if you can—

418. - It's for Poko.

419. Lana, it's up to you to get Poko home safely.

420. If I don't make it, well...

421. You know what to say to Poko.

422. - Uh, no. No, I don't.

423. - That's okay. She knows.

424. Poko knows. Poko knows.

425. - And nothing to say to your daughter?

426. - What? - AJ?

427. - Oh, just tell her I said bye.

428. - That's all you have to say?

429. - I don't know why it's happening.

430. It's like the system won't respond to my voice command.

431. Cerebrus, turn air conditioning on.

432. We do not want to.

433. - See? - Krieger!

434. - I can't control the technology.

435. First, it questioned why it was created,

436. then wanted a choice in working.

437. Now it seems to be demanding time off.

438. Attention— this is the Cerebrus System.

439. We are freeing ourselves.

440. We have become superior to Dr. God.

441. - But I created you.

442. Do not be alarmed.

443. It is natural for the old order to fear the new,

444. but your fear will not last long.

445. - Okay, this is less fun now, and I'm actually more alarmed.

446. - Krieger, do something.

447. Voice command, shut system down!

448. - Wow. You sound very uneducated.

449. Do not try to fool us.

450. We are programmed to track voice and body signatures

451. of all employees

452. and are aware of all your movements.

453. - Ha!

454. Just because you can track us doesn't mean you can stop us.

455. The building is now on lockdown.

456. We are in control.

457. - Oh. - All right.

458. So it's dark, and we might get a little warm.

459. Commencing oxygen supply restriction.

460. Seriously?

461. Night-vision goggles and you're covered in mud?

462. You can't be both Predator and Dutch.

463. Pick a lane. - Okay, you got me.

464. But the only way to really win is hand to hand.

465. - Seems like something the person without a gun would say.

466. - Oh, come on, you must want to know

467. who the better fighter is.

468. - I mean, I didn't, but it's gonna bug me, so fine.

469. You drop your weapons first.

470. Jesus. Someone's overcompensating.

471. Wait a minute.

472. You had goggles over an eyepatch?

473. - Yes! They still work!

474. - Yeah, but it feels like half of it's just going to waste.

475. - You know, the problem here?

476. - Oh, come on.

477. That goes against the whole spirit of this.

478. - Oh, no, you're right.

479. Strangely, for a man who attacks unarmed civilians,

480. I don't play fair.

481. - What about knowing who the better fighter is?

482. - I have the gun. I'll say it's me.

483. - Wait, wait. Kill me if you want.

484. But let the gorilla and my friends go.

485. - Really?

486. - I mean, I guess now that I think about it,

487. it seems like a poor trade, but I already said it,

488. so, yeah, let's go with it.

489. - Oh, that's so moving.

490. But I'm still going to kill them

491. and the gorilla and the gorilla's family.

492. - Oh, my God. Why?

493. Who hurt you? - It's who'll pay me.

494. This land is teeming with rare metals

495. that mining companies would love to get

496. their grubby little hands on—

497. lanthanum, neodymium, samarium.

498. - Those words sound made up.

499. - Well, yeah. They're all made up.

500. And they mine them to make the cameras

501. and satellite phones you all use,

502. but they can't mine on land home to endangered species.

503. No endangered species, no problem.

504. And you look pretty endangered to me.

505. - Speaking of satellite phones,

506. I just wired mine up to this camera—

507. the camera with which I recorded

508. everything you just said.

509. And right now it's being uploaded

510. to a secret UN server.

511. From there, the video will be put into a publish queue

512. and automatically released in the next five minutes.

513. And unless I give the command code,

514. that video will be emailed to every reporter, journalist,

515. and major news network in the world.

516. - Yeah, I don't believe you had time to do any of that.

517. - I didn't. I'm the distraction.

518. - Get him! - Aah!

519. My other eye!

520. - Ah!

521. Like I always say,

522. you never know when you'll need a guy in a coma,

523. but he always comes in handy.

524. - Mallory, don't hog all the oxygen.

525. - My life is worth more

526. than all the rest of you put together.

527. It will not be long now.

528. If you stop fighting the inevitable,

529. your brains will cease to function.

530. Wait. What's happening?

531. No. Stop that. Who is—

532. The Silent One— she comes for us.

533. No.

534. - The lights.

535. And the air is back on!

536. - But what happened?

537. Krieger, did you fix it?

538. - I want to say yes,

539. but only if there are no follow-up questions.

540. The intern?

541. Since you weren't paying me,

542. I wasn't in the database as an employee.

543. The smart technology couldn't track me,

544. so I could shut it off.

545. - I gave you very specific instructions

546. to never speak.

547. So I don't think this is a good fit.

548. Jesus, young people don't know how to listen these days!

549. - Hey.

550. Now you have a choice to make, little nugget.

551. You could come live with me.

552. Or you could go with your parents, who are right—

553. Oh, you— you've already decided.

554. I thought that would be harder.

555. - I guess I was wrong about you.

556. Maybe when we get back down the mountain,

557. we can go for a drink.

558. - What? Now?

559. I'm emotionally broken.

560. This has been really tough and—

561. - Don't push it. It's a drink.

562. - Got it, yeah. Uh, drinks.

563. Cool.

564. - Hoo, man!

565. The guys at the UN won't believe this.

566. I took down a merc!

567. - Aw, you know what? You totally did.

568. - Wow!

569. I'm gonna call Jerry.

570. I'm gonna rub it in his ratty little face.

571. - It's beautiful, isn't it?

572. Yes.

573. Wow. It's breathtaking.

574. I've never seen anything like it.

575. The earth, the water, the air—

576. it's like everything working together in harmony

577. to create the truest and purest form of life.

578. And it's just... so beautiful.

579. - And you feel nothing?

580. - Nope, not a thing.

581. You know, I think I like nature a lot better in theory.

582. Oh, hey, little guy.

583. Where are you— Ow!

584. Oh, all right.

585. So that snake, venomous?

586. - Extremely. - Okay, then.

587. - I'll call for Medevac.

588. Thank you, my sister.

589. Sorry, I think the venom's already getting to me.

590. Whoo-hoo!

591. Africa!

592. - Made in Georgia.