Archer 12x2

1. - Ugh. So we're just walking to the plane here?

2. Where is it? In the 1950s?

3. - I think it's romantic.

4. - And hiking is a romantic version

5. of being a starving caveman,

6. but it's all walking, and therefore dumb.

7. - Surprise team-building trip

8. from our generous new financial backer!

9. - Ugh. Don't remind me. - Oh, come on.

10. You're just mad that our generous new financial backer

11. is also your husband... - Ya think?

12. - Thereby obliterating any division

13. between your work life and your personal life,

14. and radically destabilizing your relationship.

15. - Ya... think?

16. - I do think. - So where do you think

17. Robert's taking us for team building?

18. - Probably some godforsaken place with more militias

19. than total teeth.

20. I'm thinking Idaho.

21. Or maybe hell.

22. What's the difference?

23. - Like your backwoods-ass can talk.

24. - Yeah. Your family tree is a circle.

25. - I told you that in confidence!

26. - Whoa. Wow.

27. What kind of moonshine-fueled hoedown

28. you got going on in your bloodstream right now?

29. - I hate boring-ass flights, team-building,

30. and most of all, a third thing I just forgot.

31. So between the four Bloody Mary's

32. and the sleeping pills,

33. Mr. Sandman is coming.

34. Hey, guys! - Wow.

35. - I chartered this beauty for our team-building retreat.

36. - And that's when she called the divorce lawyer.

37. Just kidding.

38. It cost a lot to bring this out of storage,

39. but as your new CFO,

40. it was worth it to see the looks on your faces.

41. We're going to Paris

42. on that!

43. - The Goldhawk.

44. If aeronautical engineering is an art,

45. this is the Mona Lisa.

46. Two floors of airborne luxury.

47. Relax in our sauna-massage area.

48. Drop your pet at our dog hotel.

49. Or enjoy our casino.

50. But a quick note for our return guests.

51. The pan-gender brothel has been closed for legal reasons.

52. Enjoy your flight

53. on the Goldhawk.

54. Boo!

55. I just found out about that and I already miss it.

56. - I can't fall asleep and miss this.

57. Y'all gotta keep me awake.

58. - Don't worry.

59. I won't let the soft, velvety embrace of oblivion

60. caress your mind.

61. - Drifting, drifting...

62. - Oh, my God!

63. We're going down! - Ah! Come on!

64. Why are you Satan?

65. - Better to rule in hell than serve in heaven.

66. - How much money did you waste?

67. - There's no cost too great to strengthen relationships

68. and reward the efforts of my new work family.

69. - Slash real family.

70. - I've been talking with the Cloudbeam marketing folks.

71. And I hired them.

72. We're rebranding as a force for good,

73. humane causes like the environment.

74. The Spies with Soul!

75. - You know, maybe we should listen to Robert.

76. - What? - What?

77. - Look, when you consider the rivers of shit

78. we've been navigating,

79. the fact that we saved the world and no one noticed,

80. and the festering sinkhole of our finances,

81. maybe it's time for something new.

82. - Thank you for keeping an open mind, Archer.

83. - And if that means suffering

84. through a luxury flight to Paris,

85. I'll take that high-end whiskey-flavored bullet.

86. - May I?

87. - Cheers to finally taking the break I deserve.

88. - All right!

89. This is a hijacking!

90. Everyone remain calm!

91. Come on. Get in there. Go.

92. - Uh, they probably don't mean that calm.

93. - Don't even think about it.

94. - Um, is that plastic?

95. Why is it lukewarm?

96. — It's 3 - D-printed, man,

97. and recyclable.

98. We don't wanna add more plastic to landfills.

99. Just bodies.

100. - So you don't compost?

101. - Well, I ordered one of the tubs,

102. but the shipping got all messed up.

103. Okay, everyone, these are Fisher-Price weapons.

104. We have nothing to worry about.

105. - You actually have loads to worry about, dude.

106. The environment is falling to shit

107. and you're all at fault!

108. - I recycle.

109. - $3 ties from Goodwill don't count, Cyril.

110. - Climate change is

111. a civilization-threatening problem!

112. - In like a thousand years.

113. - Siberia had multiple days

114. over 100 degrees this year.

115. - Siberia? Like Siberia, Siberia?

116. Shit. Someone should do something about that.

117. - I know.

118. - Hey, little piggies, listen up!

119. We're gonna need each of you to transfer $1 million

120. to an offshore account,

121. which we're then gonna use to further the earth's cause!

122. - Oh, absolutely.

123. But, uh, maybe buy some actual shoes first,

124. and probably a toe-shaver, Bilbo.

125. Ow. Worth it.

126. - Hey, go secure the upper level.

127. - A-all right, nobody panic and nobody gets hurt.

128. - Hey—

129. - Block it.

130. Whatever you can find.

131. - And now, we set it on fire.

132. - We're on a plane. Where would we go?

133. - You just said it. We're on a plane.

134. We could fly anywhere.

135. - If your brain were a drug, I'd snort the shit out of it.

136. Welp, I guess there's only one thing to do.

137. - Break into the cockpit... - Experience everything good...

138. on this level before it's too late for us.

139. - Re-wire the control panel into a weapon and—what?

140. - I'm talking first we hit the grill—meat fix.

141. Then we rake up a fortune at the slots and blackjack.

142. Then get absolutely blitzed.

143. - But what about the hijackers? - Ugh!

144. Is that still going on?

145. - Look, either they kill us,

146. law enforcement storms the plane and they kill us,

147. or everything works out fine.

148. But in all those cases, isn't it better

149. if we experience as much as we can while we can?

150. Hell yeah! My new best friend.

151. Welcome to the Republic of Pamistan

152. where the only rule is—

153. ungh, ungh—

154. screw the rules!

155. And anything else you can get your hands on.

156. - Huh. Why not?

157. When are we ever gonna be on a plane like this again?

158. - Speak for yourself. My family has season tickets.

159. - For the plane?

160. - And when is flying season?

161. - You can't keep a bunch of people hostage

162. if you're not... keeping them hostage.

163. And don't hijackers usually wait

164. until the plane is in the sky?

165. Where, historically, there are fewer SWAT teams?

166. - Well, they lock the doors to the cockpit

167. once the pilots are in and—

168. - You don't know how to breach that because you're amateurs.

169. Wow. - Shut up.

170. Why would I listen to a captive?

171. - Well, you're kind of at the point of no return here.

172. Pretty soon, you'll have to start shooting people,

173. and I don't think you want that,

174. other than maybe that guy.

175. - Oh, yeah?

176. Well, every fish you eat is loaded

177. with plastic micro-beads from face soap!

178. - Kind of getting a last scene of "Scarface" vibe

179. from this guy. But with gluten-free cocaine.

180. - Okay. What's your suggestion?

181. - Well, anytime you need to make an example out of someone,

182. maybe knock this guy around a little bit.

183. - I don't know.

184. It feels like clubbing a baby seal.

185. I'd hate to hit him if he doesn't deserve it.

186. - That's the point.

187. If he gets hit, it could happen to anyone else.

188. And let me tell you a secret.

189. He's secretly a masochist.

190. Gets a lot of pleasure from being beaten up.

191. He loves it. Can't get enough of it.

192. You'd be doing this guy a favor.

193. - All right. That's a load off my mind.

194. - Yeah. Mine too.

195. - Things have calmed down a bit outside.

196. We'll be fine in here until we figure out a plan.

197. - Ugh! Smells like a kennel in here.

198. - I can't believe this.

199. Robert, this was such a bad idea.

200. - I was supposed to somehow predict that we'd be hijacked?

201. - No. It's just working with you

202. just makes everything so complicated.

203. - I would have known that's how you felt

204. if you had talked to me instead of hanging up on me.

205. Now, take a deep breath

206. and feel the gratitude for your surroundings.

207. - Would you turn that off?

208. Goddamnit.

209. - Cyril. Hey, Cyril, take this.

210. - W-why do I need an earpiece? Where are you going?

211. - I need you to be useful for the first time

212. in your entire life, Cyril.

213. When I make my move, you have to be my eyes and ears.

214. - Why? What are you doing?

215. I feel like this is one of those situations

216. where it plays out better if we don't get violent

217. and just submit to their guidance.

218. - Hey, Chatty Cathy, no talking!

219. Yeah. That's right.

220. Anyone else gets out of line, they're next.

221. Hey, thanks. - Hey, my pleasure.

222. Just keep them under control and we can get outta here

223. without anyone getting too hurt,

224. other than Cyril, which hardly counts.

225. - Don't you dare open that single-use plastic bottle!

226. - Trust me, I don't like drinking water

227. that isn't alkaline either,

228. but you all have truly pushed me over the edge.

229. - Ow! Hot damn it!

230. - Well, at least you had a good reason.

231. - God, Ray's gonna be so pissed

232. when he finds out he missed this.

233. - And now I'll get an allergic reaction

234. from this fake croc-skin belt?

235. Who knows which is gonna kill me first?

236. - Thank you,

237. but also, what the hell are you doing?

238. - Stopping the poisoning of the earth

239. is worth a little blood!

240. Plus, you told us to keep control!

241. - Does this look controlled to you?

242. - You tell me.

243. Damn it.

244. - It's possible that recycled guns

245. weren't the best move.

246. - They're not recycled. They're recyclable!

247. Okay, Cyril, can you hear me?

248. - Yes! - Quiet!

249. Oh, man. I knew that would happen.

250. I'm so mad I missed it.

251. All right, you can't let them know you're talking to me,

252. but you've got to be my eyes in the passenger cabin.

253. I'm heading low, and if my guess is right,

254. Pam and Krieger are cooking up something good

255. on the upper level.

256. Look, they don't know what they're talking about.

257. You got to follow your dream, man.

258. What is it? - Slam poetry.

259. - Oh, man.

260. Forget I said any of that shit.

261. - Might I remind you,

262. there is still a hostage crisis downstairs.

263. - Oh, no!

264. Does that affect how the grill works?

265. - Uh—no, ma'am.

266. - Okay, Cyril, I seem to have reached the cargo hold,

267. but it will be impossible to find our bags.

268. So I'll just steal all the jewelry from these

269. and then retire.

270. - Probably alphabetical.

271. - Damn it. You ruin everything.

272. I still can't believe they made Krieger

273. check the new tacticane, but these assholes can bring

274. an endless supply of plastic guns on board.

275. - I love crosswords.

276. What was the clue for alphabetical again?

277. - Oh, yeah. It was a tough one.

278. Having to do with the... alphabet?

279. - Yes. Flight 4643 Goldhawk.

280. This is Flight Attendant Eryn.

281. It's for you. It's the hostage negotiator.

282. - Don't worry. They'll slow-play this.

283. Hell— - Okay. Shut up.

284. All right? I don't care who you are.

285. I don't care what you want. Right now, I am smiling.

286. I'm giving my boss the thumbs-up like things are going great.

287. But when push immediately comes to shove,

288. we are gonna come in there and kill you all.

289. And if a few hostages get hit, them's the brakes.

290. And I am gonna like it!

291. Then tomorrow, I'm gonna go looking for your families,

292. your friends, and your pets.

293. So enjoy your last moments on earth, you barely human scum!

294. - So...

295. how's the divorce going?

296. - Okay, time to accelerate.

297. We have to find Target One now.

298. - There was a passenger acting weird.

299. I bet he knows something.

300. And he's gone!

301. He definitely knows something!

302. - Okay, fan out!

303. Remember this is Target Alpha.

304. - Uh-oh. - Oh, well then, problem solved.

305. - Considering he didn't even tell me

306. about purchasing the company in the first place—

307. - I called you to talk about it.

308. - I was on a mission.

309. - Your job was in jeopardy of being taken away.

310. I just wanted to help for the betterment of our family.

311. - Yes, but now you run the company that pays me, Robert.

312. - We run a business.

313. - Oh-ho, sure. Right into the ground.

314. - We saved the world.

315. - Fat lot of good it did you.

316. Before I bought the place,

317. I saw you mix tequila and vodka

318. out of the bottom of two plastic bottles.

319. - Oh, shut up.

320. Whatever you're doing, please do it faster.

321. It's getting pretty hairy.

322. Archer, did they get you?

323. - Yeah. It's, uh—

324. it's pretty hairy here too, Cyril.

325. Just hang tight.

326. Well, it sounds like they're really

327. on the hunt for Robert and his cash.

328. How rich could this guy be?

329. - I mean, he had the spare change to buy the entire agency

330. as what was probably a favor to Lana.

331. There's no way our shitty little

332. mom and pop agency cost that much.

333. - Well, when was the last time

334. you bought a drink without expensing it?

335. - Uh, I wanna say... high school?

336. - Ow.

337. Ah. Oh.

338. Hey.

339. I was just, uh, looking for my, uh—

340. No.

341. - Well, did you find it?

342. Cyril? Cyril?

343. Ah, you idiot.

344. Hey, come here. That's a good boy.

345. You guys be good till I get back, okay?

346. Love you guys.

347. Psst! Stewardess.

348. Hey, I-is there any way to get to the top floor

349. other than the stairs?

350. Also, we're probably gonna die in 10 minutes,

351. so what do you think?

352. - Hey, you sicko. Where's the bald guy?

353. - Robert. I-I mean, who?

354. I don't know.

355. Ah. Nope, that didn't help.

356. - Enough with the games!

357. Every moment I don't shoot one of you

358. is another dead whale!

359. - Uh, that doesn't make any sense.

360. - Neither does talking right then.

361. So now you're gonna transfer $1 million into our account!

362. - Hey, I got to tell you that's the first time

363. that line worked for me.

364. And I've tried it a bunch.

365. - By the way, I'm a flight attendant, not a stewardess.

366. - Definitely the priority right now.

367. Okay, Flight Attendant,

368. can you show me the way to the second floor?

369. Well, you sure know your way around a shaft.

370. Wait. No, I'm sorry.

371. That was coarse. I apologize.

372. - Hmm. Looks like a tight fit.

373. - Damn it. That one's better.

374. - I think there's a whole lot you're not telling me.

375. First, I don't know about the agency.

376. What's next?

377. - You guys should really be quiet.

378. - Good point.

379. - What's next is you're fighting with me

380. because I wanna have a baby with you

381. and you won't talk about it.

382. - Robert, they're looking for you.

383. - You never wanna talk about it.

384. You like to run around saving the world,

385. when I want to build a world of our own.

386. But you keep pretending you're not a mother.

387. And with two kids, that would be twice as hard.

388. He's in there.

389. - You know that grater thing that servants use

390. for grating nutmeg?

391. Do you ever wanna just use that on someone's nipples?

392. Just really go to town?

393. - I don't like that town.

394. - Oh, my God.

395. I had 8 shots and 12 steaks.

396. And it was such a good idea.

397. What the shit? - Pfft. Wait.

398. Have you been there the whole time?

399. - Because if so, all that shit I was talking

400. was about a different Archer

401. who does all the same shit you do.

402. - Guys, the hijackers have Robert.

403. Apparently, their whole objective

404. was just to drain his bank account.

405. - Wait. How do you know all that?

406. - Well, I gave the Flight Attendant an earpiece.

407. After we had sex.

408. - Aw, come on, dude. - Oh, come on. That is bad.

409. - Tell me about it.

410. I can't believe they didn't wanna use me as a hostage.

411. Like, am I not rich enough for them?

412. Does that make me any less of a person?

413. - Like, less than you are currently?

414. - Also, you're really rich.

415. - Your family owns six islands,

416. and the private prison-slash-hunting preserves

417. on those islands.

418. - Aww, thanks guys. You're right.

419. I am worthy of being horribly harmed

420. and discarded by bad people.

421. - Guys, if we could get back to the hostage situation,

422. that's ongoing— - Wish I could, bud,

423. but here in Pamistan, we rise above it.

424. No rules. - Right.

425. And I'm about to prove you all wrong about slam poetry.

426. - Fine. We'll do it.

427. Wait, I have the perfect line.

428. Let's compost these turds.

429. - And that was it?

430. - You dick.

431. - You don't have to do this. - Enough!

432. Just shut up and pay up!

433. 10 million bucks or you won't be as lucky as he was.

434. - He doesn't look that lucky.

435. Okay. The transfer is done.

436. - Wait, I'm not seeing the transfer in our account.

437. - You don't have to bully people into giving you money

438. when you can just make an effective case for change.

439. - Okay. But to be clear,

440. you just gave a huge amount of money

441. to Citizens of the World Environmental Group?

442. What? - Look,

443. in the heat of the moment,

444. we all say or do things

445. that hurt the things we're trying to save.

446. But there's still a chance for us to come together

447. and find a way to change.

448. - Nice try!

449. But that's not what I asked for.

450. Also, that seemed more applicable to a relationship!

451. Where was that advice last year when I needed it?

452. - Release the hounds!

453. - Come on! Hit me with the cherries!

454. - You know what?

455. This is kind of different than I thought.

456. So I'm just gonna go—

457. - Oh.

458. Maybe the recycled guns do work.

459. - Archer, help! - Shut up!

460. - And why does the stewardess know your name?

461. - Her name isn't Stewardess, Lana.

462. It's Flight Attendant.

463. - Really? - What?

464. My stewardess line finally worked.

465. What can I say?

466. - Actually, it's Eryn, with a "y."

467. - Shut up! I'm gonna hurt this stewardess.

468. - Now, you're just doing it intentionally.

469. - Uh-uh. I mean it.

470. I'm gonna hurt her real bad.

471. Like, nasty bad to make a point about,

472. you—you know, all the stuff.

473. And then I'm gonna fly this plane the hell out of here.

474. - Come on, hurry up.

475. - Ow.

476. What the hell is happening around here?

477. Oh, my God. Are we in Paris?

478. - No, but I see France.

479. - Seriously? How old are you?

480. - Apparently not too old to piss myself

481. laughing at your ass.

482. - I don't need this. Don't need it.

483. - Screw you, Miranda!

484. And that judge that gave you my sword collection.

485. Ahh!

486. - I gotta go, guys.

487. Love you all.

488. - Hey, you were actually really brave back there.

489. - You mean after you tried to kill me?

490. - Oh, come on.

491. I didn't try to kill you. I just—

492. - Aided and abetted.

493. But I should not have said that.

494. It was the steam and the stress—

495. - And the hijackers.

496. - Them too.

497. I really want us to work.

498. I wanna share everything with you.

499. But if you're not ready for another baby, I understand.

500. - Thank you, Robert.

501. But it's not gonna be easy

502. for me to forget what you said.

503. - Oh, absolutely.

504. "population me."

505. - How are we gonna be the Spies with Soul

506. when we just beat the snot out of a bunch of tree-huggers?

507. - Oh, not to worry.

508. I made that donation in the name of the agency.

509. Sure to cause quite a bit of a splash.

510. - Wow. That was really smart.

511. - And we do seem like more of a team.

512. - And all it took was a hijacking.

513. - Yes, but now that I'm a few million in the hole

514. with you all,

515. we're gonna have to make some changes around here.

516. So unless you suddenly find a new source of funds,

517. you're going to be buying your own drinks, mister.

518. Indefinitely.

519. - What?

520. - Made in Georgia.