Archer 11x8

1. Antarctica.

2. Icy graveyard of hubris.

3. Not hostile to humanity, but worse—

4. utterly indifferent.

5. A blank wall at the edge of the universe,

6. defying us to find meaning in it.

7. So you can see why I'm not going.

8. For God's... The antenna at McMurdo Station is down.

9. All we've heard is a garbled transmission

10. about a murder,

11. and two days ago we detected an unidentified...

12. Really? You need a pickleback?

13. - Do you? - I... - We're as concerned

14. about McMurdo as the average citizen is,

15. - but we run a business. - Obviously, we're

16. extremely concerned about the consequences.

17. Are you? The death of everyone on Antarctica,

18. the loss of research that may save the planet,

19. and a flaw in the ice cap

20. that could doom us in the short-term?

21. Sure, those.

22. But does this look like a nonprofit?

23. Yeah. One that distributes liquor

24. to needy child-men.

25. Hey. It happens to be man-child.

26. And now I'm craving a pickleback,

27. - so thanks for that. - For the last few years,

28. this organization had a newfound reputation

29. for effectiveness and ethical conduct.

30. What happened?

31. Uh, I woke up and we got awesome again.

32. Jesus. Lana, how far you've fallen.

33. - Uh, I'm sorry? - Some history here?

34. I honestly have no idea what's happening right now.

35. Oh, please. It's Sandra.

36. You were the star

37. of the environmental science department,

38. sucking up all the grants and funding

39. like a selfish vampire, then skipping out,

40. leaving our department blacklisted for grants

41. for the next five years.

42. Oh. Grad school Sandra.

43. Yeah, I still don't know who you are.

44. Oof. Nothing worse than a nemesis

45. who doesn't know you exist.

46. Like playing air guitar with your entire life.

47. Why don't you all take a deep breath?

48. - There's wonderful oxygen

49. right outside my office.

50. Guys! Guys! It's landing on the building!

51. - Wait, but we don't have a...

52. - "Helipad" is what I was gonna say. Uh-huh.

53. - Oh, hey, Trip, - Yeah, that's great.

54. - I didn't know that you were coming. - No, sure, sure.

55. As the major private donor to McMurdo,

56. I am determined to solve this crisis at all costs.

57. Funny, that's exactly the number of costs we charge.

58. I'm taking your full team to McMurdo.

59. Severe winds there right now, so we'll have to take my sub.

60. - You have a submarine? - Hey, bud. I love humanity,

61. but in a warming world on the brink of anarchy,

62. an exit strategy is only sensible.

63. We, of course, are very familiar

64. with your technology ventures.

65. Including those floating mini-cities.

66. Didn't you blow a ton of money designing those?

67. - In a warming world... - We get it. - Yes, we get it.

68. Why are you so concerned with McMurdo?

69. I've spent time with the people of McMurdo,

70. and they truly are my family.

71. My guess is one of those freaks went eco-terrorist,

72. and I need to protect my investment.

73. Really? Any evidence for that?

74. Don't need it, because I have something better:

75. vision.

76. Though not quite enough vision to see that

77. we don't have a helipad.

78. When you're innovative enough,

79. everything's a helipad.

80. Hard to argue with that.

81. Place your bet, folks. Thawed alien monstrosity?

82. Uh, flesh-eating virus?

83. Demon possession. - Sex worms!

84. Look, all we've got to do is make sure everyone is okay.

85. Other than the murder victim.

86. So we solve the murder, we fix

87. the antenna, and then we get out of here

88. before our nipples rip through our clothing.

89. Ooh, multi-dimensional hellbeast

90. that confronts us with the horror of our own existence?

91. No, Mother's still on the sub.

92. But why?

93. I'll go when they train penguins

94. to mix a decent French '75,

95. and not a moment before.

96. I'll be in the bar.

97. And I just don't like being places, you know?

98. Okay, but how can you help from the sub?

99. Help what?

100. Oh, I don't know, maybe putting our stuff on the sledge.

101. I'm dealing with my own supplies, Lana.

102. - Is that just booze in there? - No.

103. For your information,

104. there's also a huge amount of pickle juice.

105. Seriously, you got me fiending.

106. Welcome to the most beautiful place on Earth.

107. Yep, just narrowly edged out the walk-in freezer at IHOP.

108. This is Rex, chief of station.

109. - And this is baby Lamont.

110. I am not saying hello to a flightless bird.

111. - Your loss. And also Lamont's.

112. He's sensitive. You just bought me

113. an hour of tummy rubs tonight.

114. Hey there, sailor, you giving those out for free?

115. Yes. Penguins don't use currency.

116. So are you here for the antenna repair

117. or for the murder?

118. Both. We need to get a handle on the situation.

119. Gather everyone on base for questioning.

120. Krieger here will attempt to repair the main antenna.

121. But right now, you need to get me inside,

122. because if I get any colder

123. I'm gonna literally murder someone.

124. Oh. Sorry.

125. - Too soon? - He was my friend.

126. But, come on, it's not like there were

127. - a ton of options out here.

128. It's like an oat milk orgy in here.

129. A half-bottle of substandard vodka?

130. I don't drink alcohol.

131. I need every brain cell at top capacity

132. when my mind is uploaded to the cloud.

133. Which means we'll need the vodka

134. - to deal with you until then.

135. He thinks alcohol goes in your brain.

136. You use your mouth.

137. But, please,

138. do not leave this area.

139. - Does that seem fishy to you?

140. I mean, it's not like you're not gonna drink it.

141. I'm not saying you're wrong. I just think

142. we want them looking at the pickaxes,

143. so they're, you know, facing their crime.

144. - Oh. What about ropes to symbolize... Shh.

145. I'm getting into character.

146. As a douchebag?

147. I think you're there.

148. Lana, please. We are in the midst

149. of a closed-door whodunit,

150. so forgive me for actually enjoying my work.

151. - No. What do you mean, "no"?

152. I don't deal well with dead bodies, so maybe

153. I should... Oh, God, it's worse than I thought!

154. - What's with him?

155. Well, after turning his life around

156. while Archer was in a coma,

157. he's fallen back into some old habits.

158. Like being a whiny little bitch.

159. Keep it together. You're a man.

160. Yeah, that's the thing about real men—

161. - always saying they're men.

162. Sharp entrance wound. No evidence of sawing or slicing.

163. We're looking at a single blow, angled downward.

164. My verdict: this wasn't a murder at all.

165. It was an icicle.

166. This was next to the body.

167. Oh, the shame.

168. Just sit in it.

169. It's a pretty standard move.

170. Oh, I... I'm-I'm Gray. I've spent

171. most of the last 15 years with penguins.

172. I kind of forget how to...

173. - Be a person?

174. - I am Dr. Gertrude Rilsa. Wow.

175. That was intensely sinister.

176. Yeah, do you have a vocal setting

177. where it doesn't seem like you're about to kill us?

178. I will humanize myself.

179. I study how the isolation of a small group

180. affects willingness to engage

181. in increasingly deviant sexual behaviors...

182. with robots...

183. on drugs.

184. - Wow. - The robots?

185. Do we introduce her to Krieger or would that...

186. Bring about the death of humanity

187. in a cyber-sexual apocalypse? Hard yes.

188. Yes. No, I mean, yes.

189. No, I... I didn't do it.

190. I'm second in command of this base,

191. and I do everything by the book.

192. - Um, name? - Maddox.

193. Sorry, little jumpy.

194. Uh, hey, that's okay. It's a stressful sit...

195. It wasn't me, goddamn it!

196. Playing at detectives,

197. they must face death

198. in all her guises—

199. both that of the victim and their own.

200. You, uh... you want to turn that off?

201. I am afraid that is not possible.

202. We were all in the common area.

203. Bob left first.

204. We didn't see him for the rest of the night.

205. Then I think Gray left for a while.

206. Ah. He must have left

207. to do some light murdering, then...

208. He went to my experimental robot den

209. to engage in his ultimate fantasy.

210. Gray is great, but let's just say

211. - I don't leave him alone with Lamont. - I think we get it.

212. He wants to fornicate with penguins.

213. Did you know penguins mate for life?

214. - Fantastic. - Did anyone else leave

215. - after Gray? - Sure, I left for a while.

216. Oh. Very interesting.

217. - I did, twice. - I left four times.

218. Thank you. This has all been very unhelpful.

219. - Worst murder suspects ever. - Perhaps not.

220. I went outside to document

221. the desolate, inky night.

222. Well, I'll notify the consulate

223. of the great nation of I don't care-istan.

224. Whilst poring over footage, I found I had captured

225. Maddox exiting the murder location at the time of death.

226. Why didn't you tell us before?

227. Who can say?

228. Trying to understand the human motives

229. only leads to a labyrinth of madness and chaos.

230. - Shut up. - Shut up. - Oh, shut up.

231. All right, let's announce our next contestant on

232. Did You Commit Murder?

233. And Maddox, come on down.

234. Pam, come on.

235. You were supposed to get everyone.

236. That was a big moment.

237. - Maddox ain't coming. - Did she bolt?

238. No, dummy. She just got murdered.

239. - My God, this is terrible.

240. Seriously, that totally ruins my game show thing.

241. Really? That's the problem?

242. Um...

243. I made a Plinko board.

244. Guys, we're sure Plinko wouldn't be useful here?

245. - No! - So Maddox

246. - wasn't the murderer. - Ya think?

247. Look, if we're going to solve this, it's not going to be

248. by engaging in petty squabbles.

249. Man, you don't know us at all.

250. Can you think of any motive for the murder—

251. I-I don't know— any research worth killing over?

252. Don't be ridiculous. Our main study

253. has been mapping the depth of ice sheets

254. using small explosive charges.

255. Congratulations. You just made explosives boring.

256. Well, they found a flaw in the ice sheet,

257. which would be catastrophic if it gave way—

258. a hundred years of sea level rise in ten minutes.

259. Wow. I stand corrected.

260. That is, in fact, so boring

261. the word "boring" just killed itself.

262. Krieger, can you examine these bodies? We need a clue.

263. Okay, but these days, I've got more practice

264. with cephalopod bodies.

265. What the hell happens in that lab?

266. Okay, Archer and I are gonna go search Maddox's quarters.

267. - I'll give you a hand. - No, you will not. You're a suspect.

268. And just what are we expected to do?

269. Oh, no, Rexy, Big Mama lost again.

270. What am I gonna have to take off now?

271. Strip solitaire is not a thing.

272. - I'm out. What?

273. Yeah, on people. I'm out.

274. I can see that.

275. - So what now? - Isn't it obvious?

276. Prison tats.

277. Exa... No.

278. We find something else to drink.

279. I don't care what Trip says.

280. No one plans for an apocalypse

281. without a stash of the good stuff.

282. This is a coke sub?

283. No, I mean liquor.

284. Why would they smuggle liquor?

285. They don't.

286. So where's the cocaine, lady?

287. It's called logic. Look into it.

288. Into what?

289. We don't even know what we're looking for.

290. Yes, well, you've certainly pinpointed

291. the very nature of a clue.

292. The question is who had the time to ransack the place

293. after the murder but before Pam announced it?

294. No, not necessarily. They could have

295. tossed the place before they killed her.

296. Shut up, both of you,

297. with this deductive timeline circle jerk.

298. Wait a minute. Weren't you the one

299. reveling in this closed-door whodunit?

300. Before it became a stupid logic puzzle.

301. Who am I, Bernard Bolzano?

302. So what do you suggest?

303. We need to get back to our instincts,

304. like, uh, this, I guess.

305. Give me that.

306. This is Maddox's notebook,

307. and there are a bunch of pages ripped out.

308. But before that...

309. She went out on the ice and she found something,

310. - and she was... - With Rex. Oh!

311. - Feel that power.

312. And I'm going to do that

313. every two minutes

314. until you let us out.

315. And his anguish was not just in his genitals.

316. It was in his soul.

317. Jesus, Cyril.

318. You leave your nuts in your other uterus?

319. No. It's abundantly clear they're still here.

320. Seriously, what happened to you?

321. Archer happened to me. Can't you all see that?

322. He, like, drags you back to your worst self

323. like some kind of horrible reverse therapist.

324. Uh, whatever, dude. I feel great.

325. Girl, if you were any more on the prowl,

326. there'd be an APB out on your cooch.

327. You see me backsliding?

328. I don't even want it anymore.

329. I got to keep eating it to fill the void

330. that eating it creates, like a snake eating

331. its chocolaty, delicious tail.

332. Um, hi. Can you come with me to the garage?

333. Things are getting creepy, and I'd feel better

334. with an escort.

335. No, you do not see that.

336. You're right. I'll-I'll stand up to him.

337. Hey, Cyril, if you could

338. stop masturbating for a second, send Pam over with Rex.

339. Also, you suck.

340. Oh, oh... Oh, innapropski.

341. Rex, my man. There he is.

342. Hey, can you hand Lamont over to Pam?

343. - Oh! We know you did it, asshole.

344. Let go of my beautiful polar bear!

345. Maddox's notebook said you went out on the ice

346. to investigate some blip after the flyover.

347. That doesn't mean I killed her.

348. Good point. One second.

349. But the... there could be any number

350. of reasons we're radioactive.

351. Oh, I know. And it also explains

352. the penguin excrement on the ice ax.

353. - Damn it, Lamont!

354. It's true.

355. I've had bottles smuggled into Yemen in a camel's ass.

356. You only drink what's inside, darling.

357. - So this doesn't seem at all undignified to you? - Why should it?

358. Uh-huh.

359. - Quick, the closet. Mm-hmm. No, sure, sure.

360. Things are in motion.

361. Just a bit of a cash crunch.

362. I can say there's gonna be a huge demand

363. for my floating cities very soon.

364. Pull the snowmobiles out of cargo bay.

365. We have the location of the package,

366. and I need Team Alpha out in force,

367. armed to the teeth.

368. Now, that's fishy, because of the floating cities.

369. They're on water, where fish live.

370. Ah, looks like I have insurance

371. if your team starts to meddle.

372. And can you possibly whisper any louder?

373. Yes, obviously.

374. - What is with this guy? Seriously,

375. what's so important that you had to kill two people?

376. First off, it's not two.

377. And... Wait— you don't know?

378. Oh, I am sorry.

379. This has been a massive communication failure.

380. - So you didn't kill Bob. - Oh, no,

381. I totally killed that asshole.

382. This all gets a little confusing,

383. so just stay with me.

384. There was an unauthorized flyover,

385. and I noticed on radar

386. that the plane dropped something.

387. So Maddox and I went out to see what it was.

388. It was a hydrogen bomb.

389. We figured someone had dropped it as a way

390. to transfer it, since they're impossible to smuggle.

391. So Maddox and I

392. took it back and stashed it.

393. That night, while we were deciding what to do,

394. we discovered Bob sabotaging the antenna.

395. He was trying to isolate the base,

396. and then he discovered us discovering him.

397. So when you guys got here,

398. I thought you were in on it.

399. So where did you stash it?

400. Wait. Oh, my God.

401. - Are we in... Shackleton's Hut,

402. historically preserved

403. exactly as it was in 1908.

404. Well... almost exactly.

405. Uh, wow. What are you guys doing down here?

406. Oh, making moonshine, hydroponic marijuana,

407. amateur pornography.

408. You know, for the fans.

409. And to think I had a crush on you.

410. And now I love you.

411. Maddox and I stashed it right here.

412. Nothing.

413. That's what I've got to show

414. for this whole trip.

415. Tell me about it!

416. You wouldn't even give me a tattoo.

417. Look, let's all just...

418. Put the gun down.

419. So, hi. And stab.

420. - Aah! Are you serious?

421. - Seriously, you are nuts. - Winters get pretty long.

422. Sterling, Trip is planning something.

423. I don't know what, but I have a few pieces of the puzzle.

424. Excellent. Okay.

425. Everybody shut up and focus.

426. We must meticulously walk through

427. every piece of information we've gathered,

428. explore every doubt until we've cracked the case.

429. It will be a long, slow plod

430. of a conversation.

431. If everyone is ready,

432. let's begin.

433. So, in summary, Trip's putting a hydrogen bomb

434. on the flaw to destroy the ice sheet

435. to sell floating cities.

436. Wow, that wasn't so long.

437. Well, I guess there's only one question now.

438. Yeah.

439. What kind of porn?

440. Man, I'm actually jealous of the guys at the Alamo.

441. At least they had access to good Mexican food.

442. I don't think that they did.

443. But anyway, if we fail, we're dead, so...

444. Thank you, Sergeant Sunshine,

445. but, yeah, we are way outgunned.

446. I think we can help with that.

447. The salt water of the pickle juice acts as a conductor.

448. When the glass breaks, the circuit completes,

449. and it blows one of the charges.

450. And this is our moonshine, creating the...

451. Ultimate pickleback.

452. Jesus Christ.

453. Hey, uh, anyone know what's going on?

454. They should be coming straight toward us.

455. There's no other way off Antarctica.

456. Trip does not strike me as the noble suicide type.

457. Yeah, he's more the type to die

458. in bed with his mistress.

459. I'm actually seeing him hog-tied.

460. He's definitely a sub.

461. Aha!

462. Gillette and Pam, you horny dorks.

463. - Thank God you said that. - Hog-tied?

464. There's no way Trip wouldn't have

465. a remote failsafe shutdown if things went wrong.

466. I have dealt with this type of person before—

467. selfish, only thinking of themself at all times,

468. "screw everyone else" attitude.

469. I just can't imagine being like that.

470. So close and yet so stupid.

471. All right, we've trained for this.

472. You truly are my valiant crew.

473. I'm sorry, what?

474. What "what"? Everything's normal.

475. So what are we doing again?

476. We're going to the engine room,

477. and we're going to take over the sub.

478. Will I need Darla?

479. We'll cross that bridge when you casually stab it.

480. You can't stab a bridge.

481. Or can you?

482. Brine time.

483. - Aah! - Aah!

484. Eat halberd.

485. Damn it, Cyril!

486. Damn it!

487. Whoooooo!

488. All right, mop-up time.

489. If he gets away, we are all dead.

490. Yes, Lana, we all still realize that.

491. What are you doing?

492. If that propeller turns on, you are Archer sashimi.

493. And your muscles will stop working in about 30 seconds.

494. Nah, I'm sure it's not that fast.

495. Would you please listen, for once? And...

496. he's gone.

497. This is Trip. Get us out of here.

498. If you move that hand another inch,

499. you won't have it anymore.

500. I knew it!

501. Would it kill you to share?

502. Archer.

503. Archer? Archer!

504. Wake up, dingus.

505. Crackers, you nut.

506. I'll just wait till next time.

507. There is no next time.

508. Give me your hand, idiot.

509. I can't move.

510. And I can't swim, yet here we are.

511. Come on, you featherless freak.

512. Wow, Archer, I would like to present you

513. with a medal for being an idiot on every continent.

514. God damn it! You want to open your eyes when you shoot?

515. You are pathetic.

516. Hey, everyone. Why are you bitching?

517. Hey! You're the one who made

518. all our lives worse by not being in a coma.

519. Hmm, true.

520. Cyril's a wuss, Pam's gone full horn-monster,

521. Gillette's probably bingeing again,

522. and Lana, you've been a bitch to Sandra

523. for, like, no reason.

524. But let me just call up 7.5 billion

525. of my closest friends to get their opinions.

526. Oh, hey, guess what,

527. they're totally fine with it, because they're alive.

528. And how many times did you guys save the world

529. while I was in a coma?

530. I'll take your silence to mean zero times!

531. Honestly, at this point,

532. I'd wipe out the entire Earth if you went with it.

533. Did you people ever consider that you need me around

534. because you want the excuse

535. to be your worst selves?

536. Oh, shit.

537. Your little victory meant nothing!

538. I can detonate the bomb remotely.

539. Huh...

540. Aah!

541. So I guess not everything's a helipad.

542. Made in Georgia.

543. Come on in.

544. Fargo "rocks."

545. The "sharp new season"

546. is "excellent,"

547. "fantastic,"dazzling,"

548. "must-see TV"

549. with "remarkable performances"...

550. Oh, yeah.

551. from a "stellar cast."

552. Son of a biscuit.

553. Chris Rock is "absolutely terrific."

554. Boo!

555. Don't missFargo. All new, Sundays at 10:00 on FX.

556. Next day, FX on Hulu.

557. I know I can make a success of the new convent.

558. To bring education and enlightenment to such a remote part of the world.

559. You shouldn't have come here, you know?

560. A place where time doesn't even exist.

561. I think this place is too much for all of us.

562. I fear this is a wicked place.

563. It's rotten to its heart!

564. What are we going to do?

565. Black Narcissus.

566. The entire three-part event premieres November 23 on FX,

567. next day FX on Hulu.