Archer 11x7

1. Where... where am I?

2. Was a... airplane?

3. I've been taken. Step one: find a weapon.

4. Ugh. Step two.

5. Sit up slower.

6. Step three. Find a...

7. Uh, I heard a...

8. hostage, I was about to say.

9. Great timing on my part.

10. You? Needs work, buddy.

11. - Why are... - Say nothing. If you make a sound,

12. I will draw this surprisingly nice champagne bottle

13. slowly across your jugular,

14. sending an arcing spray of crimson life across the cabin.

15. Which would be a painful but undeniably fancy way to go.

16. Pros and cons.

17. Now, not to get all Gort about it,

18. but take me to your leader.

19. All right, turn this plane around.

20. Archer, what in the Sam Hill are you doing?

21. Reassessing?

22. This is your plane?

23. Then why did you drug me?

24. Are you doing a secret villain thing?

25. 'Cause I think we've all been expecting it.

26. I didn't drug you.

27. So you're telling me that the good ol' boys

28. were drinking whisky and rye...

29. Like, mixed together?

30. Archer, please just...

31. I am concerned about the mental health

32. of them good ol' boys.

33. - What?

34. Do you think their jobs were levee-based?

35. Okay, while that may have

36. a certain surface-level plausibility...

37. Think you might let him go?

38. - Oh, right. - Asshole.

39. Archer, I need you to be a little less Archer right now.

40. - Who could possibly want that? - AJ, your daughter.

41. She was kidnapped from her Swiss boarding school.

42. We're on our way to Switzerland now.

43. What? AJ?

44. No. No time for rampage. Where's Lana?

45. She's at home.

46. Because I... Oh, God

47. - the thing is... - You didn't tell her?

48. You are so murdered.

49. I'm willing to accept that.

50. All that matters is getting AJ back.

51. And Lana would be so devastated

52. that she would make this whole thing so much harder.

53. It's your funeral. Though, more likely,

54. it's your hastily-dug hole

55. next to a conveniently-located drum of battery acid.

56. Okay. I'll need a team for this.

57. That's why I brought them.

58. Wow. You didn't skimp, did you?

59. We probably don't need all of them,

60. but I'm not 100% clear

61. what specific jobs you all have now.

62. Seems kind of nebulous.

63. Wait. Was everybody drunk?

64. Oh, no. I drugged them.

65. Lucky.

66. AJ!

67. Yeah. I thought she might react like that.

68. Pam, you need to calm down, so...

69. Ow, my all of it.

70. Aah!

71. Aw, shit. Fine.

72. You couldn't do that first?

73. This is supposed to knock out a rhino.

74. - Yeah, a bitch-ass one. - Where'd you even get that?

75. Oh, I don't know. That big-ass pile of guns and armor,

76. and is that a rocket launcher?

77. I found an arms dealer,

78. but I didn't know what you needed,

79. so I just asked him for one of everything.

80. Got it, need it, got it,

81. against the Geneva Conventions, got it.

82. - Ooh, what's that?

83. - Whose phone is that? - It's not me.

84. - I don't even know where my phone's at. - Holy moly.

85. I didn't put that there.

86. Hold on. Oh, you really did get one of everything.

87. Okay, ready.

88. Now, they told me to come alone.

89. So everyone, silence please.

90. Hello...

91. I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want.

92. But what I have is a very general set of skills.

93. Honestly, I'm great at everything.

94. But the thing I'll be best at

95. in my entire life is hurting you. Call it a hunch.

96. Sort of like the hunch you'll have

97. after I splinter each one of your vertebrae individually.

98. Where are you?

99. Yeah, no. Put the kid's father on.

100. Well, I contributed half her DNA, so...

101. Not you. The one with the money.

102. Hi.

103. I know you said to come alone,

104. but I was scared.

105. Yeah, well, you guys always do that.

106. It's basically de jure at this point.

107. Pro forma, idiot.

108. I feel like he's not grasping

109. the power structure here.

110. Well-well, let me call Michel Foucault

111. - and get back to you. - Oh, shut him up.

112. We need $100 million in bearer bonds.

113. Oh, well I'm sorry to hear that.

114. Click.

115. Apparently Foucault's still dead.

116. Man, he is exhausting.

117. Yeah, but his heart's in the right place.

118. I hope.

119. Okay, so $100 million in bearer bonds,

120. or you never see AJ again.

121. Wait for instructions.

122. - You get it?

123. Man, you screwed that up.

124. I was trying to keep them on the phone

125. so Krieger could trace the call.

126. Oh, was I supposed to be doing that?

127. Damn it, Krieger!

128. This is basically a tape recorder.

129. Where would I even find a call tracer...

130. Oh! Here's one.

131. Damn it, Krieger!

132. I need every single one of you to become

133. the most competent versions of yourselves.

134. Now! We are not currently rampaging.

135. We will be cold. We will be efficient.

136. And we will find these people.

137. - But what if we... - Not now. But when we find them,

138. we will go white-hot supernova blood rampage.

139. We will make Straw Dogs look like Clifford.

140. - I think... - Shut up, Cyril.

141. We have to figure out where the kidnappers are.

142. Y'all, what about that weird sound on the call, though?

143. Maybe that's something.

144. Finally, someone with something useful to say.

145. But that's what I was going to say.

146. Pathetic.

147. And even if that were true, I wouldn't have listened.

148. bearer bonds

149. or you never see AJ again.

150. - ... never see AJ again.

151. never see AJ again.

152. It might be possible to isolate it,

153. but we'd need advanced audio gear.

154. Krieger, there's no time.

155. I have a place nearby we can use.

156. So, did anyone else know that Robert had a Swiss jazz label?

157. Or that Swiss jazz was a subgenre called Swe-bop?

158. I mean, it figures. Switzerland is like

159. the jazz of countries. It just keeps going and going,

160. and no one has any idea why.

161. Uh, real sorry to interrupt.

162. You cats were really boppin' and a-boopin'.

163. Hey, anything for you, Bobby.

164. Rolph, see if you can isolate the sound in the background.

165. Then maybe assume a constant tone

166. and run a low-pass filter on it.

167. Just keep everyone out.

168. No visitors right...

169. Lana!

170. Oh. How did you find out?

171. - Oh. I called her immediately. - Yeah.

172. - Me too. - Yeah. - Me too.

173. My granddaughter!

174. Ugh. Stop.

175. You're getting old-lady juice all over me.

176. Lana, you have to understand...

177. Where are they?

178. Because I'm going to kill everyone

179. between here and there,

180. and then kill them.

181. - And then kill you. Called it.

182. - What have we got? - I isolated that sound for you.

183. Hoofbeats?

184. In the middle of winter?

185. Are we even in the right hemisphere?

186. Duh, they're in St. Moritz for White Turf.

187. Ugh, it's so hard to talk to poor people.

188. It's like there's gruel in your ears.

189. White Turf.

190. The biggest, hobnobbiest rich person event

191. of the European snob season.

192. What?

193. What does that have to do with hoofbeats?

194. Well, say what you will about the Swiss,

195. but, uh, they sure hate the shit out of horses.

196. The kidnappers won't contact us for another 24 hours or so.

197. They'll go silent, try to make us sweat it out.

198. But that gives us an opportunity.

199. - We kidnap them! - We find them.

200. - We find them. - Thanks, Pam.

201. On the call, those hoofbeats seemed close.

202. Maybe they're involved with the races.

203. Ray, you should have a natural rapport with them

204. because you did that dumb winter sports thing.

205. Oh, you mean winning an Olympic bronze medal

206. in the giant slalom?

207. Is that the one with the brooms?

208. N... You know it's not!

209. Shut up, both of you.

210. Cheryl, Robert, work the reception.

211. If they're asking for that much money,

212. they might be high rollers in financial trouble.

213. None of these dumb Euros like me.

214. You "ruin the vibe" at one party.

215. - One party? That seems petty. - I know.

216. And a total waste of that acid I put in the punch bowl.

217. Lamest childhood leukemia fundraiser ever.

218. Um, where's Ms. Archer?

219. She seemed pretty upset.

220. She's in the hotel room "coordinating."

221. The instant you see AJ,

222. mow those kidnappers down

223. like it's a bad day at the Somme.

224. I hadn't given her

225. her first gun yet.

226. Wait. I did.

227. The cute little Ruger.

228. I gave her a broken walkie-talkie.

229. What do I do?

230. Just point me at someone and I'll rip 'em apart!

231. Okay, okay. I get it.

232. You kiss your mother with that dart?

233. No one screw up.

234. Or I'll put your bones in a blender and hit frappé.

235. But that setting's inappropriate for large pieces.

236. Remember, Lana, the rampage is a fierce but delicate art.

237. I agree with half of that.

238. Look, I am your rampage Sherpa,

239. to help you reach the lofty heights on Mount Rampage.

240. Lana, we need to talk about...

241. You do not get to apologize to me.

242. Uh, Robert, you may want to back up out of the blast zone.

243. I respect you too much to apologize.

244. You were the one who suggested boarding school in Switzerland!

245. And you agreed.

246. But you don't get to transfer your motherly guilt

247. into a rage to soothe yourself.

248. - And you! - I haven't done anything wrong yet.

249. Which, actually, is kind of amazing.

250. You are rubbing off on him.

251. Then why does he still dress like that?

252. Lana, let's get AJ back,

253. then we'll have a long talk about co-parenting,

254. emotional boundaries, all of it.

255. I honor your perspective,

256. - and I'm open to the idea that I was wrong.

257. Seriously, how did you do that?

258. How do I bond emotionally,

259. even under tremendous stress?

260. No, how did she not shoot you in the foot?

261. That's how it always ends with me.

262. Honesty. Also, I heard about your feet

263. and got bulletproof shoes.

264. I can learn so much from you.

265. No problem. No problem.

266. Brownie! Is that you?

267. Not hearing things.

268. Jesus, do they just pump heroin through the vents here?

269. Brownie! How's it sliding, homie?

270. Oh, pretty fly skis

271. that you brought into this party for some reason.

272. Gerswan Ramschluss.

273. Nein. I call you Brownie.

274. The color of your medal.

275. - So you call me Silvie. - Well, I would,

276. but then I'd have to stab my own vocal cords out

277. with a ski pole for betraying me.

278. Oh, don't be like that, Brownie.

279. Guess what?

280. I will be like that.

281. With your rampage, you have to start slow.

282. You need something to build from.

283. Trust me. But, quick question,

284. why are we shaking down a two-bit loan shark?

285. The criminal world here isn't big.

286. So, we shake him down for a name—

287. any name— and we work up the chain.

288. And if he won't give us a name,

289. I cordially introduce his femoral artery

290. to a serrated hunting knife.

291. I thought we didn't do lethal force.

292. Yeah, my position on that has...

293. evolved.

294. Hey. So, uh... hi.

295. - Pace yourself. Ow!

296. You're rampaging too soon.

297. And we need his mouth to work, Lana.

298. I guess I'll just find a pen and paper then.

299. Okay.

300. We've just got to figure out

301. who here is financially distressed enough

302. to commit a serious crime.

303. Ugh, I'm bored.

304. Hey, is there, like, a central location

305. that you pour all the drinks out of?

306. Like a booze vat?

307. Ah, ah, ah— I have been warned about you, Miss Tunt.

308. That's not acid, is it?

309. - No. It's DMT, I think.

310. Dang it. I got to pick up the bonds.

311. Can you manage? Just find someone

312. who's broke and desperate.

313. - Because of the kidnapping. - The kidnapping.

314. I know. God.

315. Because I think you cheated at the Olympics!

316. I was ahead of you the whole way, but at the last gate

317. my binding came just loose enough for me to go down,

318. and I think you loosened it.

319. So your silver medal is tainted.

320. Oh, yeah, of course.

321. I totally did that.

322. All's fair in love and war.

323. This was neither of those things.

324. You know, funny you should say "taint,"

325. because that's where I put my medal while I sleep.

326. Chillax out.

327. Look, come to the stables with me.

328. If you can unkink your asshole for one second

329. and find a little moral flexibility,

330. it might be worth your while.

331. Um, where are you going?

332. I may have just found a clue.

333. Or about to have the most degrading hate sex of my life.

334. Which is saying something.

335. He's reaching for the gun.

336. It looks like he's going to get it.

337. Oh, he didn't get it.

338. So, your name is Tibor.

339. You run the muscle in town— that's them, I guess—

340. and something very, very bad is about to happen to you.

341. Here's the thing— that wasn't it.

342. You haven't even asked me anything.

343. Hey. Can I ask you something?

344. Wow. Turns out we could ask him something.

345. Jesus, it is colder than Shackleton's nutsack.

346. Why the hell did you send AJ here?

347. Don't you start.

348. Start what? I'm happy to start something,

349. but I'd like to be aware of it.

350. Just what Robert said.

351. I agreed to send AJ here.

352. Was I subconsciously getting her out of the way

353. so I could concentrate on my career?

354. Lana, introspection is the enemy of happiness.

355. So, my advice is, don't.

356. Always worked for me.

357. - Has it, though?

358. I-I don't know. That's the beauty.

359. It is tough out there. Who else spent all their money

360. on gold tiger cages? Seriously, is there

361. a secondary market for those?

362. Why are you speaking with us?

363. I'm just bonding with my peers about how debts pile up

364. and sometimes you start kidnapping people.

365. That thing we totally do and talk openly about

366. - as rich people.

367. Conversation is a lost art.

368. Everyone who's kidnapped someone, raise your hand.

369. I...

370. I wanted to give AJ the chance to be who she wants to be

371. and still be who I want to be.

372. - Is that impossible? - Uh, Lana?

373. Am I undermining feminism again?

374. - Yeah, kind of.

375. To be a woman is to be constrained

376. in a nested series of double-binds.

377. God, that is so true.

378. Look, you're the only fixer in town.

379. Anything strange come through the last few days?

380. Someone rented the warehouse

381. where they keep the White Turf equipment.

382. If it's kidnapping, I want nothing to do with it.

383. - I'll take you there. - So, are you, like,

384. in a local stage production of The Matrix?

385. Are we going for this?

386. And do the horses have to watch?

387. Do we blindfold them, or...

388. What? No. The people that I work for—

389. they do illegal things.

390. And we can use you for ski smuggling.

391. We do other stuff as well. Cool stuff.

392. Oh, and sometimes kidnapping, hmm?

393. You do what now?

394. Brigitte, thank you.

395. You do not need to find yourself.

396. You are that which is seeking.

397. Man, she's on a whole thing, huh?

398. All right, so we go in, surprise the kidnappers...

399. Do horrible things to their bodies.

400. Given. Then find AJ.

401. On three. But wai-wait.

402. I'm picturing a kidnapper grabs AJ, right?

403. I take the final perfect shot.

404. AJ runs to me with her arms outstretched

405. and probably calls me Dad.

406. That's your plan?

407. Well, who put her in Switzerland?

408. Oh, now we're doing that?

409. One, two.

410. Peregrine?

411. Wondering when you'd get here.

412. Peregrine, seriously, are you still mad

413. about that stupid statue?

414. It took me weeks to break out of that prison.

415. Weeks! Two, actually.

416. I'm very good.

417. Get AJ now.

418. Or I'll fill you so full of lead

419. that local kids' test scores will go down.

420. She's mad, but y-you get it.

421. Where's my daughter?

422. Good, yeah. That's simpler.

423. Get the money and I'll send for AJ.

424. - Ugh. Well, she's not dead.

425. Yes, I have them.

426. Be right there.

427. Go time?

428. - Go time! - Go time!

429. Oh. You meant... Whoops.

430. Well, I'll say hi to the clockwork elves for you.

431. They say that history

432. is written by the victors.

433. Well, I write it with the blood and tears

434. of those I destroy.

435. Maybe you should get a journal for this kind of thing.

436. And then burn it.

437. Lana, I must say, motherhood does not agree with you.

438. It's so hard to watch a good woman brought low

439. by an inability to resist biology.

440. - Rampa...! - No, no, not yet. Wait for AJ.

441. We've got your money. Where's AJ?

442. - Mommy! - Honey! Mommy's here. It's gonna be okay.

443. Leave the case in the center of the room.

444. We will bring AJ and take the money.

445. Do not move until we leave.

446. What is this, the fox and the river puzzle?

447. Just do it.

448. On second thought, what if I take the money and AJ,

449. raise her to be the perfect assassin,

450. then gradually brainwash her

451. to kill you both for thwarting my plans?

452. Now, wouldn't that just be a gas?

453. That means shoot!

454. Sense the moment.

455. - Krieger, what are you doing here? - Um...

456. creating a kick-ass battle sleigh

457. with all the guns and armor.

458. How did you know that would be helpful?

459. - Helpful to what, per se? - Whatever.

460. - We need a horse.

461. Gerswan ran out with a horse.

462. So I did this. And we didn't have sex.

463. - You and the horse?

464. - Hyah!

465. We need speed!

466. Good thing I brought my hotwiring pliers.

467. Yeah.

468. Good thing I brought my speed suit.

469. Is it?

470. We are not shooting at my daughter!

471. - Aw. Not even a little? - What else do you have?

472. Damn it,

473. forget the money, get AJ!

474. Oh, I have the money.

475. Silly Gerswan.

476. One, two, three, go, Herd!

477. Boarding! Party of one!

478. Not going as planned.

479. Rampage!

480. I hate to do this in front of your daughter.

481. No, I'm kidding. I very much like it.

482. Oh, shit!

483. Always in the nick of...

484. Aah!

485. Hand!

486. Obviously, hand.

487. What was I gonna do, stick out my foot?

488. Damn it! Even now?

489. Man, he's fast. Oh, wait.

490. Oh, scheisse!

491. Little problem with your binding?

492. - Ow! - Aw.

493. Tainted again.

494. Lana!

495. Rampage!

496. No!

497. - Human airbag!

498. - Are you okay, baby? - Wow.

499. That was epic, Mom.

500. Daddy!

501. Oof.

502. Well, I wasn't using that heart anyway.

503. You took my daughter.

504. Go ahead, send me to jail.

505. I'll only escape again.

506. I feel so alive!

507. We could do this forever.

508. Cat and mouse.

509. Predator and prey.

510. Or not that.

511. I, uh... I think you got her.

512. Well, I'm glad I finally

513. got a literal demonstration of overkill.

514. She is exactly the right amount of killed.

515. Unless...

516. Got a spare vat of battery acid?

517. I'll call Brigitte.

518. And then Mommy jumped into the sleigh

519. and saved me, for real!

520. Robert back on your good side?

521. Well, I mean, look at him.

522. We have a pretty good yin-yang thing going.

523. You know, with Archer, it was kind of double yang.

524. And it's good that only one of us has this weird job.

525. Well, when you're this great at something,

526. never stop doing it.

527. You'll figure out the rest.

528. Like how AJ is great

529. at eating carbohydrates.

530. You go into one three-year coma

531. and suddenly everyone forgets about you.

532. AJ, meet Sterling Archer.

533. Hey, uh...

534. Hey, AJ.

535. Uh, we had a-a lot of very weird

536. and dangerous times together.

537. But you were probably too young to remember me.

538. No, I remember. You're sleeping beauty.

539. That's what I called you.

540. I kissed you so you would wake up.

541. It just took a while.

542. - You... you brought her to visit me? - Yeah.

543. It was really important to me

544. that she see sleeping beauty.

545. That's not what you called him.

546. I called him sleeping beauty.

547. You called him a sperm-delivery device.

548. I said that one time.

549. Made in Georgia.

550. - You guys are lost without me. - Whoo-hoo!

551. Big Mama's handing out biscuits, baby!

552. Feel like I maybe missed a meeting.

553. Check!

554. Check!

555. The school was notified this morning.

556. We know the whole story.

557. You cannot tell anyone about us.

558. I can't eat. I can't sleep.

559. - Whoo-hoo! - I need help.

560. You gotta come in. If you don't, it could be worse.

561. He's your student.

562. - My entire life gone, for you. - Whoo!

563. I have to live with this forever. So do you.