Archer 11x6

1. Welcome to L'Orange. I'll be your server, Kyle.

2. Our specials tonight...

3. Damn it, Kyle, are you blind?

4. We're in the middle of a conversation.

5. I'm so sorry.

6. I'll come back.

7. Actually, I kind of wish we'd heard the specials now.

8. This is fun.

9. So fun, right?

10. This was a doozy of an idea, Archer.

11. I just love double dates.

12. You're at a restaurant, Robert.

13. We can trade money for food here.

14. Sorry about that, Gabrielle.

15. At his age, Robert gets confused easily.

16. If it's not painfully obvious yet,

17. Archer is incredibly jealous of my husband.

18. Oh, yeah, I-I desperately wish

19. I had liver spots and eyebrows like haystacks.

20. - You know what... - Look, why don't we just

21. acknowledge the elephant in the room?

22. That you have borderline personality disorder

23. and desperately need help?

24. I was talking, Lana, about

25. how incredibly gorgeous Gabrielle looks tonight.

26. It's like somebody stuffed 103 pounds of "ka-kow"

27. into a red golf sock.

28. I couldn't agree more.

29. You look gorgeous, Gabrielle.

30. Uh, honey, shut up.

31. So how did you two meet?

32. We met in a study my university is conducting

33. for individuals who have been in a coma.

34. - Catch that, Lana? - That you have brain damage?

35. No, I mean the part where Gabrielle is a scientist?

36. Oh, are you in science as well?

37. That's funny.

38. You see, Lana's parents desperately wanted her

39. to be a scientist, but she hated them.

40. - And now they're dead. - They're not dead.

41. How would you know? You're not a scientist.

42. You know, one of my foundations

43. is involved in neuroscience,

44. and we just did a study on memory-mapping neurons.

45. Oh! I just read about that.

46. Let me ask you, did you agree with their findings

47. on spatially-tuned memory-trace cells?

48. Slow down. Who am I, Andrew Fielding Huxley?

49. Gosh, oh, that's good.

50. So have we decided on a first course?

51. I actually need a little more time.

52. But, Lana, you're probably fine

53. with the first thing you see, right?

54. I'm just...

55. going to go to the ladies' room.

56. Excuse me.

57. - Oh, I'll join you. Great.

58. Don't take too long, or I might fall in love with Robert.

59. You know how fast it can happen!

60. Ha, I was joking, obviously, Robert.

61. The eyebrows are a deal-breaker.

62. Oh, this is a beautiful restaurant.

63. - Mm-hmm. - Robert's great. You're so lucky.

64. - Uh-huh. - So...

65. you know Archer from work?

66. What?

67. Wait a minute. You're joking, right?

68. Archer didn't tell you anything about us?

69. Oh, just that you work together,

70. that you're married to Robert,

71. that your jaw makes this clicking sound

72. when you chew like...

73. Mm.

74. He didn't mention that we, uh, I don't know,

75. have a child together?

76. Get out of town!

77. You're AJ's mom?

78. So how's work, Archer?

79. Hey, Robert, don't take this personally,

80. but there's no way I'm making small talk with you.

81. Just quietly stare at a candle or something.

82. Hey... that Gabrielle.

83. We sure got a type.

84. Seeing them walk off together now, I was just like,

85. "I wouldn't mind being the cream in that double espresso!"

86. - Hmm.

87. I've dabbled quite a bit

88. in the exotic arts, as they say.

89. - Oh, God, please, no. So you're

90. telling me you're not upset that Archer didn't mention

91. that your first date was going to include the mother

92. - of his child? - After all he's been through,

93. I'm sure it just slipped his mind.

94. Or he's a lunatic.

95. I mean, clearly he asked you out because...

96. Well... - Well, what?

97. Oh, come on, he's trying to send a message

98. that he found a stand-in, you know, for, uh... for this.

99. A stand-in? Oh, did you go to Yale too?

100. No. I mean, I'm sure I could have.

101. But you have two PhDs, I bet.

102. Well, no, not two.

103. No, I have-I have... I have just the one.

104. Oh, I see, so you don't mean "stand-in"

105. as much as you mean "upgrade."

106. Excuse me.

107. - There! There you go. What are you doing?

108. - Now you're all wet. - Ugh.

109. Isn't that what you wanted?

110. And, sure enough,

111. we made love right there in the jazz club.

112. And to this day, I can't even hear

113. a muted trumpet without getting erect!

114. What a great story, Robert.

115. I just wish it could have been louder and grosser.

116. Kyle. Do us a favor and put our food in, would you?

117. Absolutely. What would you like?

118. You order for us, Kyle.

119. I'm talking apps, entrées—

120. the whole nine yards.

121. You're trusting Kyle to pick our food?

122. The entirety of his life's decisions

123. have led him to this job and that haircut.

124. No offense, Kyle.

125. Hey, there they are—

126. the two prettiest ladies in the joint.

127. Or, more specifically, a clear number one

128. and a not-as-well-read, big-boned runner-up.

129. You know what? Let me ask you a question.

130. What the hell are you doing?

131. You're supposed to be staking out Victor Cherenenko.

132. Will you two be joining the table?

133. - No, definitely not. - We were just leaving. - Sure.

134. Gabrielle, you could scooch in next to me.

135. Ooh, who's Victor Cherenenko?

136. Oh, Russian hacker,

137. one of Interpol's most wanted, Gabrielle.

138. Huge reward out for him.

139. And I am the one responsible...

140. Actually, I'm in charge of the mission.

141. How are you? Cyril Figgis.

142. Calm down, Cyril.

143. You're getting desperation all over my hot scientist.

144. I probably shouldn't be showing you this.

145. You look like someone who can be trusted.

146. See, for years, no one has been able to find this guy,

147. but recently he's been popping his head up in public.

148. So, as team leader, I took it upon myself

149. to synthesize data from his financial records, and ta-da.

150. You were able to produce that wet diaper

151. of a worthless dossier.

152. The thing says Cherenenko is a regular at this place,

153. and yet...

154. Hey, isn't that him? Cherenenko?

155. You see that, Archer? I was right.

156. He's here after all.

157. I mean, it doesn't take that much

158. to look at a credit card statement

159. and see that guy comes to a restaurant a lot

160. - and that... - God damn it, Archer.

161. Wow, this is so exciting.

162. So what do we do now? Like, go detain him?

163. Oh, man.

164. Guess they don't teach you everything

165. in neurobiology school.

166. Well, no, obviously not.

167. As much as I love taking advice on spycraft

168. from civilians, you can't just go up and detain

169. a guy with an armed bodyguard protecting him.

170. Lana's right. Even if we took the bodyguard out,

171. we'd have 50 Russian goons on our doorstep

172. looking for blood in the morning.

173. Uh, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

174. - So the plan is we go over... Excuse me.

175. I'm in charge, and as such,

176. I have constructed our apprehension strategy.

177. Okay, we wait for him to leave

178. and we tail him. Then we find an opportunity

179. to separate him from his bodyguard,

180. lure him somewhere quiet, and bring him down.

181. Voilà. A classic Figgis.

182. I thought a classic Figgis was when you get

183. your genitals caught in the zipper of a sleeping bag.

184. You know very well that wasn't user error.

185. There was a factory recall!

186. I'm going to the men's room real quick.

187. Don't do anything without me.

188. So, Gabrielle,

189. how do you feel about jazz?

190. - And how are you this evening, sir?

191. Very well, thank you.

192. I actually just had a, uh,

193. pretty big professional victory.

194. - That is wonderful, sir.

195. Thanks. You know that feeling when you take

196. a big step forward at work and people notice?

197. Yes, sir. Very magical, sir.

198. Oh, uh, I left my wallet in my jacket,

199. and I'll just...

200. - Good call. I'm on a diet.

201. May I offer you a towel?

202. Hey, excuse me, sir...

203. Ooh, he's really

204. giving it to her.

205. They're leaving.

206. Perfect. When they get outside, we follow them.

207. Gabrielle, I'm sorry to tell you,

208. but you're about to dive headfirst

209. into a high-speed chase, so buckle up.

210. Shouldn't we just leave her here?

211. No, Lana. I'm sorry you're threatened

212. because Gabrielle is so smart and accomplished and...

213. - Hot. - Thank you, horny new guy.

214. We are not ditching her. Here, put this on, Gabrielle.

215. I wouldn't want you to catch cold.

216. You should, uh, put this on to, um,

217. cover up your hideous...

218. elbows.

219. You had trouble finding something, didn't you?

220. Shut up, Lana!

221. Hold on.

222. All right, go. Everybody into my car.

223. Good news.

224. The bodyguard is now locked

225. in a bathroom supply closet.

226. It's my mission.

227. Okay, so here we have the first courses—

228. fried lobster in puff pastry

229. over four-cheese grits.

230. - All right, Gabrielle,

231. get ready for the ride of your...

232. - ... life.

233. Uh, what did he just say?

234. Life, Robert! He said life.

235. He was finishing a thought from before.

236. - Archer.

237. I'm sorry.

238. He did a "what did he just say?"

239. He's doing all the top-ten old-guy hits,

240. coast-to-coast.

241. This is what happens

242. when you give bicyclists their own lane.

243. What's next— a lane for vegetarians?

244. Sorry, Gabrielle.

245. It's usually a little chasier than this.

246. Oh, no, don't apologize.

247. This is a great opportunity for me to get to know

248. your friends just a little bit better.

249. All right, I'll start. Uh, this one's for anybody.

250. Who's ever met a potential love interest

251. over the unconscious body of their child's father?

252. - Oh, my God. This again? - This again, what?

253. Well, you got shot by a murder suspect

254. you were supposed to be investigating,

255. but instead were having sex with,

256. who, by the way, after shooting you,

257. got away!

258. Hey, look what we got going on back here.

259. I feel like the cream inside of an Ore...

260. Do not finish that sentence.

261. Hey, Kyle.

262. Would you mind parking the dessert cart over here?

263. And you might want to throw the emergency brake on,

264. because I have a feeling things could go sideways pretty fast.

265. Actually, sir, some diners have been complaining

266. that your constant crying and chewing

267. is bumming them out.

268. If you wouldn't mind... - Oh.

269. They didn't leave a credit card?

270. Jeezy Petes!

271. I had a serving of bone marrow,

272. not a goddamn transplant.

273. All right, I...

274. Hey. My jacket's gone.

275. Listen, Kyle, my wallet was in my jacket,

276. and it appears my friends must have grabbed it.

277. - So I'm gonna have to...

278. to have someone come down

279. and meet me here with a credit card.

280. There you go.

281. Don't spray that urine on my son's window.

282. If you want a dollar for doing nothing, walk to Canada.

283. What are you even doing on this mission to begin with?

284. Cyril needed me.

285. It would've looked weird for him to be sitting

286. at that restaurant all alone.

287. Who were you supposed to be?

288. His date, obviously.

289. Excuse me, it's not that crazy at all

290. that these two would be together.

291. Not much further apart in age than Lana and I are.

292. - Self-burn. - Plus, she's beautiful

293. and successful.

294. You know who you remind me of, Malory?

295. My ex-wife.

296. Malory reminds you of Linda? The supermodel?

297. No, no, no, no, no, no.

298. I'm talking about Zelda, my first ex-wife.

299. - Linda was my third ex-wife. - Your what?

300. Oh, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.

301. I think the phrase you're looking for is "gulp."

302. What's wrong with your face, Krieger?

303. Yeah. Did you rack your nuts on your proton pack?

304. Oh, Mitsuko and I got into an argument.

305. She said she thinks maybe her feelings are changing about us.

306. Let me tell you something everyone hears

307. at some point in their lives:

308. that anime hologram's just not that into you.

309. No. It's probably just a phase, right?

310. - Yello?

311. Pam.

312. Listen.

313. I need you to come to L'Orange.

314. Archer stuck me with a huge tab

315. then left with my coat, which had my wallet in it,

316. and there's a menacing busboy who won't stop staring at me.

317. And you want me to come over there

318. and blow a busboy so he'll forget about your dinner tab.

319. What? No, come with money to pay the tab.

320. Oh. Lame.

321. Okay,

322. let me get this straight. You've been married four times

323. and it never occurred to you

324. to share that information with your wife?

325. It's personal, dear.

326. I didn't ask you how many times you'd been married.

327. Zero! I'd been married zero times.

328. Well, now I see why.

329. Who were they?

330. Linda, of course.

331. Then Hafsa— she was a gift from the Saudi crown.

332. Would have been rude to say no. And then Zelda.

333. We didn't technically divorce. I lost her on safari.

334. Oh, my God. This guy's on fire.

335. I'm not sure if it's a big deal, but...

336. that guy you're following— he just got out of that cab.

337. Damn it, he's getting away. Follow him!

338. I can't, Mother. What do you want me to do—

339. just leave the car here in the middle of 5th Avenue?

340. Oh, yes, big smiles.

341. I, too, would be excited if I were about to overdose

342. somewhere in a hollowed-out box spring.

343. You know, I've

344. always thought that busboys were the backbone

345. of the restaurant industry.

346. I'm a woman.

347. And a beautiful one, at that.

348. There you are!

349. Oh! You look like shit, dude.

350. Have you been crying?

351. Crying?

352. - No. Yes. Yeah.

353. - Okay.

354. Oh, Cyril. Come on, let's get out of here.

355. - Oh, uh, right, the tab. Uh...

356. Cyril, don't worry about the tab.

357. I got this.

358. This waiter just touched my breasts!

359. What?

360. Again, I just can't put into words how mortified I am.

361. Well, you should be mortified. I know my breasts certainly are.

362. - Right, ladies? - Hey, hotshot.

363. Call me if you ever want to have your world rocked.

364. You voted libertarian?

365. Sure, twice.

366. Hey, I know seat belts save lives,

367. but who is the government to require me to wear one?

368. - Is there anything else you haven't told me? - No.

369. In my experience, you have to ask exploratory questions,

370. like... Robert, have you ever done anything

371. that you're deeply sad about?

372. I mean, I guess if I had to pick one thing...

373. oh, gosh, it'd be the dogs.

374. The dogs?

375. I've had 11 dogs die on me.

376. 11? How is that possible?

377. Well, you know, there's just a huge language barrier.

378. Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with you?

379. What beautiful architecture

380. they have here in New York City, New York,

381. where we are visiting as tourists.

382. Jesus Christ, Lana, will you quit fighting

383. with your husband before you give us away?

384. We wouldn't be in a fight if you hadn't

385. set up this stupid double date in the first place.

386. Boy howdy. I sure hope someday we get

387. these kind of tall buildings back at home... in Arizona.

388. Shit, he's heading to the park.

389. Follow that horse. And step on it.

390. You there, follow that cab.

391. On a break.

392. Let me try.

393. Well, I can see why they call it a "handsome" cab.

394. You sure are the best-looking son of a gun

395. I've seen all night.

396. Oh, is that a fact?

397. Oh, I was talking to the horse.

398. I figured he ran the business.

399. Gosh! Oh, that's good.

400. Hmm, they seem to be in love.

401. Wonder whose still-breathing body they met over.

402. Oh, my God, you are absolutely cracked in the head.

403. We weren't even together when you went into a coma, okay?

404. You were banging some old broad, who then,

405. God bless her soul, shot you.

406. Better to be shot than stabbed in the back, Lana.

407. I'm surprised this isn't something you've mentioned

408. about your time in a coma if it bothers you so much.

409. - Oh, it doesn't. - Why do you even care

410. - that I'm with Robert? - I don't.

411. It was clear that you were never going to commit to me.

412. - You don't know that. - So if Lana hadn't met Robert...

413. Over my still very-much-alive body

414. with a functioning sex organ,

415. as I imagine was included in my records.

416. then you would have wanted to be together?

417. Excuse me.

418. Whose ass do I have to kiss to get more hot cocoa back here?

419. Coney Island?

420. Look, I appreciate you guys bringing me here

421. to cheer me up, but I'm a grown man.

422. Oh, cheer youup?

423. A waiter just touched my breasts, asshole.

424. If you're in need of some cheering up,

425. this is the place. Come on.

426. Whoa, look. Wacky mirrors.

427. Driver!

428. Now we're going too fast.

429. We're trying to follow that horse in front of us,

430. not inseminate it.

431. I remember when the park was a place you'd come

432. to get away from the hustle and bustle.

433. Me too. I had an aunt who'd take me here.

434. We'd sit on a park bench for hours,

435. just chatting and throwing lit matches at the pigeons.

436. My friends and I would feed the pigeons Alka-Seltzer,

437. watch them explode!

438. Yeah.

439. - Slow the hell down! - Slow the hell down!

440. Come on, buddy,

441. what's got you so down?

442. You can talk to ol' Pam.

443. It's... Archer.

444. And what about him?

445. I hate him!

446. I hate his stupid face!

447. And his stupid car!

448. And his stupid coma cane!

449. - And his stupid...

450. Doesn't give me the respect I deserve!

451. How hard is it for you to acknowledge

452. the good shape I've gotten in?

453. How much I've improved as a field agent?

454. I learned Mandarin, for Christ's sake!

455. - I hate you, Sterling Archer!

456. I hate you and everything you've done

457. to make me feel th...

458. Cyril, I see the job you're doing.

459. You've been knocking it out of the park as a field agent.

460. - Really? - Really.

461. When I thought Archer was dead,

462. I literally said, "Well, at least we still got Cyril."

463. You did?

464. Sure. I need the agency to stay afloat.

465. I can't get another job.

466. I have, like, a shit-ton of felonies.

467. Thanks, Pam.

468. - Aah!

469. Then why did you set this double date up, Archer?

470. Seriously, out of all the women you could've asked out...

471. Of which there are literally billions.

472. - Proving her point. - Damn it.

473. you chose one that kinda, well,

474. is my doppelganger?

475. Yeah, why is that, Archer?

476. Um, if you two are through playing

477. amateur neuropsychobiologist,

478. our Russian is headed for the subway.

479. Archer, I'll come at them from around the back.

480. You approach them from the left flank.

481. I almost hate to do it. Those two

482. - look really happy together. Yeah.

483. It's nice to be in love with someone.

484. You should try it.

485. Well, if it means being as happy

486. as that Russian hacker and his girlfriend, I actually...

487. Oh!

488. - God damn it. Oh, no!

489. Ew. Should we call the police?

490. - Meh. - Meh.

491. So, Gabrielle, this is usually the part of the date

492. when we head back to my place for great sex.

493. Archer, look,

494. you seem like a really nice guy...

495. - Ha! - Shut up, Lana. You were saying?

496. Nice guy, fully-functioning sex organ. Go on.

497. But it's clear you still have feelings for Lana.

498. Wait, me? For her?

499. Wh-Why would I want Lana when I could have you—

500. a totally different,

501. non-comparable unique person who...

502. shouldn't be exploited for personal vendettas, sorry.

503. Yeah, that part.

504. It was nice to meet you, Lana.

505. Uh, maybe we could get together sometime.

506. You know what, I actually would not mind

507. hanging out with you again.

508. Hey, w-wait, Gabrielle, but, uh, se-sex time.

509. Gabrielle!

510. - Aw, you liked her, didn't you? - I don't know.

511. But you didn't realize it till just now, huh?

512. Maybe.

513. I mean, I thought she was great.

514. - Whatever. - I mean, smart, charming.

515. And those cans, am I right?

516. Yeah, they looked pretty squeezy.

517. Thinking maybe instead of asking her out

518. to make me jealous, you should have just

519. asked her out because she's awesome.

520. Honey,

521. I'm home.

522. You know what I'd do if I were you?

523. Wait, wait, wait, wait, this is my favorite part.

524. Mine too.

525. Fill my boots with lead and jump in the ocean,

526. you pig-nosed gypsy!

527. Oh, God, that's good.

528. Ugh. Fantastic.

529. Made in Georgia.

530. - He's awake!

531. - You guys are lost without me. - Whoo-hoo!

532. Big Mama's handing out biscuits, baby!

533. Starting to feel like I maybe missed a meeting.

534. Come on in.

535. Fargo "rocks."

536. The "sharp new season"

537. is "excellent,"

538. "fantastic,"dazzling,"

539. "must-see TV"

540. with "remarkable performances"...

541. Oh, yeah.

542. from a "stellar cast."

543. Son of a biscuit.

544. Chris Rock is "absolutely terrific."

545. Boo!

546. Don't missFargo. All new, Sundays at 10:00 on FX.

547. Next day, FX on Hulu.

548. May the Lord give you strength to serve him in your mission.

549. Here we are. Palace of Mopu.

550. This is an unusual place, and...

551. we should expect unusual things.

552. It has started.

553. - What's happening to me? The devil is in you, sister.