Archer 11x5

1. So I said, "If a robot can feel pain,

2. I'm gonna make him feel pain."

3. I totally get that.

4. Why am I carrying all the bags?

5. Welcome home, sir.

6. Thank you, polite intruder.

7. I'm gonna shoot you now.

8. And you are welcome to do so, sir.

9. I'm Aleister, your new valet.

10. Surprise! We picked him for you

11. after a trial by fire.

12. And lasers.

13. And now these bags are his problem.

14. You are aware that all my other valets

15. were spectacular failures, right?

16. Two are still in the hospital.

17. One. They moved Cornelius

18. to a hospice.

19. Perhaps a drink will help us break the ice.

20. A daiquiri?

21. Uh, one chance to impress,

22. and you're going with the drink

23. of sad writers and stupid teenagers?

24. Holy shit. That is good.

25. Good? I'd swim in this.

26. - I'll fill the tub. - And then fill me.

27. With drinks.

28. Or, you know, whatever.

29. Will there be anything else, sir?

30. Do you know who you're replacing?

31. Woodhouse—

32. the greatest, most subservient valet

33. to ever shuffle his weary frame across this planet.

34. Do you really think you can outshine him

35. in being abused by me?

36. I welcome your evaluation, sir.

37. Okay. Favorite grade of cashmere.

38. Grade A sheared Mongolian goat.

39. How would you press a tweed suit?

40. I'd press it into a trash can.

41. How should I rub sand into your eyes

42. for maximum discomfort?

43. Excellent question, sir.

44. Start coarse, moving to finer grits,

45. ending with the black sands of Vík í Myrdal, Iceland.

46. Dang. Beach knowledge.

47. Carol, don't interrupt the test.

48. Time for the final exam: a gentlemen's duel.

49. Really feels like you're moving the goalposts.

50. - I'll do my best, sir.

51. Parry, parry, riposte.

52. - Capital defense.

53. Sloppy balestra.

54. You call that a coupé?

55. No, I call it a coulé.

56. Ha! Touché.

57. And touché.

58. You guys, look. It's like we're dancing.

59. Yeah, weird.

60. - Aah!

61. Ha!

62. Wow. Aleister, you're hired.

63. Thank you, sir.

64. You would have had me if it had not been for the leg.

65. I can suggest some rehabilitation exercises.

66. I'd...

67. I'd like that.

68. Should we leave?

69. I'm staying.

70. Y'all, my cover was blown.

71. I made it into the jungle,

72. but it's only a matter of time before my...

73. Attention. Attention, please.

74. - Aw, I wanted to see him die. - Archer, come on. - What the shit?

75. Come on. It was just getting good.

76. What, Ray dying in Africa?

77. For the love of God... Cheryl, call Ray back.

78. Now?

79. Ugh, fine.

80. Good, now back to me.

81. Is anyone else worried about Ray?

82. Is anyone else worried about how Cyril

83. is constantly in the office?

84. Hey, I broke my arm on a mission.

85. I'll break the other one

86. if you don't shut up for my announcement.

87. Okay, I found the valet who will serve me until my,

88. or more likely his, death.

89. Wait, so you're not looking for a valet anymore?

90. Excuse me.

91. Gentlemen, it's been an honor.

92. He cleans like ten valets,

93. he rearranged my entire closet in a way that makes sense,

94. and I made him eat a bag of potting soil as a test,

95. and he was just like...

96. "Shall I open another bag, sir?"

97. What is that accent?

98. - It sounds like Boston to me. - Or a speech impediment.

99. It's a normal British voice, all right?

100. I don't do it that well.

101. Aleister, get in here and show them

102. your normal British voice.

103. - Sir. - That's my guy.

104. Guy, gang. Gang, guy.

105. Don't bother trying to look him in the eye.

106. He's an expert at averting his gaze.

107. Aleister, avert.

108. And-and can we revert to Ray? Seriously, is he okay?

109. - Probably. - Not.

110. For your leg, sir. I brought

111. your rehabilitation bands to the office

112. since I know you'll lose all interest at home.

113. He knows my foibles.

114. There's about 30 guys.

115. They got these crazy fish boning knives...

116. - Damn it, Sterling! - Oh, I forgot the best part.

117. Aleister can make Eggs Woodhouse.

118. Maybe we should focus on Ray being gutted in the jungle.

119. Maybe we should focus on your obvious jealousy of Aleister.

120. - Wow.

121. I honestly didn't know it could do that.

122. I took the liberty of installing the beanbag round

123. as a nonlethal office alternative.

124. Nonlethal violence

125. is my second-favorite kind.

126. Enough! Cyril, go rescue Ray.

127. His legs are valuable tech.

128. Oh, I would love to fight 30 men with weird knives,

129. but, gosh darn it, I'm out of commission.

130. Yeah, when did you break your arm?

131. - On the last mission? - No, I was on that mission.

132. I broke it right at the end,

133. after you finished... missioning.

134. Fine. Sterling, go rescue Ray.

135. Not possible, Mother. I'm still breaking in Aleister.

136. The first two weeks are crucial for establishing dominance.

137. Give me the jet and I'll rescue him.

138. - Done. - And I never even

139. named a beneficiary on my life insurance.

140. So, more recovery than rescue.

141. At least that beach behind him looks nice.

142. God, does no one in this office

143. know how to finish a sandwich?

144. It would be my pleasure to clean out your refrigerator, ma'am.

145. Phrasing?

146. Oh, Aleister.

147. Nice to see you again.

148. Please, allow me.

149. - No, I couldn't. - Really?

150. You don't strike me as a woman who can'tdo things.

151. Oh, Aleister.

152. You're bad.

153. Am I interrupting something?

154. I'm honestly not sure.

155. Not at all, sir. Would you like

156. to squeeze this lemon into my eyes?

157. Uh, love where your head's at, Aleister, but later.

158. Right now, I need you to reload my cane.

159. Right away, sir. Ma'am, a pleasure.

160. Likewise. In terms of pleasure.

161. Okay, Mother,

162. I'll only ask this incredibly traumatic question once.

163. Are you into Aleister?

164. Don't be absurd. He's your valet.

165. And yes, he's handsome

166. and I'm a woman with powerful needs...

167. Mother, it's okay. Stop. I mean, gross.

168. But you're right. The man is perfect.

169. You'd have to be insane not to want him to...

170. Clean out your refrigerator?

171. Absolutely.

172. Look at that grip.

173. He could twist a pineapple in half.

174. But he's a gross servant and it's totally forbidden...

175. is how I'd get things going.

176. Can I help you, ladies?

177. Just keep doing what you're doing, Aleister.

178. Since you're not going on the mission,

179. you can handle my paperwork.

180. But this is, like, eight missions' worth.

181. Fine, you can go get stabbed in a jungle.

182. It'll be done when you're back.

183. But let it be known that I'm not happy about it.

184. - KRIEGER Lana to the situation room.

185. If you're free.

186. Oh, office work. Can't get hurt by you.

187. Sorry. Just testing the range.

188. - Aleister, reload me. - Don't reload him.

189. Holy shit, Aleister. What was that?

190. A technique from my old employer,

191. General Bernard Montgomery.

192. You knew the Spartan General?

193. Old Monty, yes.

194. He also enjoyed his Manhattans.

195. Will you take yours in your office, sir?

196. Oh, I don't have an office.

197. I used to, but it just kept blowing up.

198. You do now. I took the liberty

199. of repurposing an unused storage space,

200. with your mother's approval, of course.

201. Seriously? Cyril, did you just hear that?

202. I have an office.

203. Cyril. Cyril. Cyril!

204. What?

205. I have an office.

206. In Fiji.

207. - So? - So what is Ray's tracking chip

208. doing in the Pacific if his body is dying in an African jungle?

209. I don't know. Maybe they removed the chip.

210. Well, that's what I thought, too.

211. But his secret second tracker is also in Fiji,

212. and that can't be removed without killing the host.

213. - What? - I mean, maybe someone can.

214. I certainly can't.

215. Anyway, I thought I'd tell Ms. Archer.

216. No, no, no, no. Uh, don't worry about it.

217. Don't worry about Ray's trackers

218. being on the opposite side of the world

219. from where we think he is?

220. Can you keep a secret?

221. Did an entire breed of Chilean llamas

222. go extinct two months ago?

223. I... don't know?

224. Exactly.

225. What I always wanted.

226. Minus the bookshelf.

227. Seems like a missed opportunity.

228. In that case, you might enjoy

229. Mr. Boston's Bartender Guide.

230. It's whimsically practical.

231. Uh, forget about the lemon going in your eyes.

232. Put it in the cocktail.

233. I-I'm gonna go get Cyril

234. so he can see how much his office sucks next to mine.

235. Very good, sir.

236. Oh, and hey...

237. I love you, Aleister.

238. And I you, sir.

239. I have infiltrated the agency

240. and achieved absolute trust.

241. The target will be dead in 24 hours.

242. Hello, Aleister.

243. Did you really think you could get away with it?

244. - Sir? - You've got a secret.

245. You added something incredible to my Eggs Woodhouse.

246. That would be the Hungarian paprika, sir.

247. For an extra kick.

248. Ha! An amazing kick.

249. All right, I'm off to the office

250. now that it's got all the good booze.

251. Uh, sir, I thought I might prepare my specialty tonight:

252. Steak Aleister.

253. If you make it home.

254. Oh, I'll be here.

255. And if I'm not, heh, I'm probably dead.

256. Oh. Very good, sir.

257. And his smile— it just lights up my whole day.

258. Hey, do you like my tie? Aleister picked it.

259. So is it gonna shoot me or just electrocute me?

260. Not everything is about you, Cyril.

261. I deserve safety in my workplace.

262. Was that an explosion?

263. Yeah, of my schedule.

264. I bet Aleister is good at elevator repair.

265. - The phone's dead. - The elevator's broken.

266. But the phone runs on a separate line.

267. It's part of the intricate series of fail-safes

268. built into all modern elevators.

269. This is sabotage!

270. Yeah, again, of my schedule.

271. I-Is the primary driving rope

272. still threaded through the car sheave?

273. Oh, my God. Cool it, Alexander Miles.

274. I'm just trying to save our lives.

275. Well, try it without showing off.

276. Is the elevator cable okay?

277. Was that so hard?

278. Oh. Also... no.

279. Jump or die in a box, Cyril.

280. Jeezy Pete!

281. Oh, crap. We're only on the third floor?

282. Lost them over the waterfall,

283. but my left leg is all messed up,

284. Ray. Ray. - and I just spent three hours in a spider-filled ditch.

285. Ray! - What?

286. Krieger knows.

287. Oh.

288. So when are you guys getting here?

289. ETA at the resort is six hours.

290. I'll keep the mais tai'd for you.

291. And, lady, you can't just drop a towel on a chair

292. and be gone for hours.

293. A fake rescue mission as cover for a secret vacation.

294. It's just like the good old days.

295. And I hate it. But, God, I need a break.

296. Ever since Archer came back, things have been...

297. weird with Robert.

298. Aw, trouble in billionaire-adise?

299. No. Hey, no. I love being married.

300. It's just that...

301. It's just he's constantly telling me

302. how to handle Archer, and I'm like,

303. "I know how to handle Archer, buddy, okay?

304. "I handled him for years before I met you,

305. "and maybe— just maybe— I want to complain about the guy

306. without you trying to fix it!"

307. So this place has bungalows?

308. And we have to keep it a secret.

309. - Ow!

310. - Hey, Lana. - Keep what a secret?

311. The obvious sabotage.

312. Freak accident.

313. Elevators kill 27 people a year, Cyril.

314. That's more than fireworks.

315. You seriously believe that there was a spontaneous,

316. simultaneous failure of the primary suspension cable,

317. the traveling cable, the safety catch,

318. - and the car roller guides? - Yes?

319. There's explosive residue on the cables, Archer.

320. It's a spy agency.

321. There's explosive residue on the coffeepot.

322. Okay, what's more likely—

323. that this was a freak accident

324. or that someone wants to kill the world's most annoying spy?

325. No one's trying to kill me. Also, rude people

326. don't get to sit in my fancy new guest chair.

327. Move.

328. Whoa!

329. Archer!

330. I think someone's trying to kill me.

331. What the hell are you doing?

332. We couldn't let you do this alone.

333. If Ray's in trouble, I'm ready to bust some coconuts.

334. And I can scream so loud my own ears bleed. Watch.

335. - No, nope. Uh,

336. I appreciate the offer.

337. This mission— it's just too dangerous.

338. Oh, God, I just... I hope Ray doesn't die

339. during the time we waste taking you back.

340. Bula bula!

341. Hey, do y'all want the tropical spa package?

342. 'Cause I got to book that in advance...

343. of the enemy closing in on my position.

344. Too dangerous?

345. Hey, danger takes many forms.

346. We thought Ray was maybe dead.

347. Am I still turning the plane around?

348. Hell no.

349. Sea salt scrubs and coconut cocktails.

350. How can you be shopping?

351. You nearly died.

352. And if you hadn't taken the seat,

353. I probably would have died.

354. Glass half full, my ruined pants give me an excuse

355. to buy me and Aleister matching suits.

356. I wonder what color he wants.

357. We shouldn't even be out in public.

358. We're too exposed.

359. Cyril, no one tries three assassinations in one day.

360. It's unprofessional. Aleister?

361. - Yes, sir? - I was wondering about

362. your suit preference vis-à-vis color.

363. Gun to my head, sir, my ideal suit

364. is gray, single-vent, three-button.

365. Hey, man. That's a great answer.

366. Thank you. Goodbye, sir.

367. Get down!

368. - [people screaming, clamoring] Huh, wha... You said

369. no one attempts an assassination three times in one day.

370. - Aleister, are you okay?

371. It sounds like you're nearby. Are you in danger?

372. What if Aleister isthe danger?

373. Aleister? Where are you right now?

374. Look,

375. it's great that Archer's awake.

376. - Absolutely. - Hated that coma.

377. - But... - Now when I look at him,

378. I see a fragile baby bird.

379. First I repressed my violent urges,

380. and now they're out again?

381. Pick a lane, Cheryl or Carol.

382. And I flushed four viable men today.

383. And I'm not ready to talk about it.

384. And he is getting in the way

385. of my great relationship with Robert.

386. Okay, fine it's not great.

387. But sometimes you fake it till you make it.

388. Like how Aleister is pretending

389. to be Archer's butler so he can kill him?

390. In her defense,

391. she thinks all butlers are murderers.

392. Aleister, I'm home.

393. Welcome back, sir. I've been expecting you.

394. Yes, I expect you have.

395. My very loyal valet.

396. I took the liberty of preparing

397. an early meal to calm your nerves.

398. - Steak Aleister. - Wow.

399. A delicious meal,

400. prepared fully out of my sight.

401. Perhaps, uh, you'd like to take the first bite.

402. Thank you, sir, but it wouldn't be proper.

403. Oh, Aleister, it's proper if I say it is.

404. Indeed, sir.

405. Mmm, excellent.

406. And now you, sir,

407. before it gets cold.

408. Terrible thing, that shooting at the haberdashery.

409. Mm, nothing I couldn't handle.

410. But I do have one small concern.

411. And what's that, sir?

412. I never told you I was in the haberdashery.

413. Damn it! You took my secret shotgun?

414. - And had this floor waxed.

415. Wow, looks crazy shiny.

416. Oh, you know me so well.

417. - I hate it. - Just doing my job, sir.

418. You haven't been doing

419. your rehabilitation exercises.

420. Pity.

421. Good thing I have my cane!

422. How ironic— defeated by the very beanbag round

423. I made you reload.

424. - Apologies, sir.

425. It seems I forgot to reload that round.

426. Damn it. Why am I not dead?

427. First you break my heart, now you don't even

428. have the decency to kill me quickly?

429. Frankly, Aleister, it's very rude.

430. I beg your pardon, sir, but I'm not here to kill you.

431. I'm here to kill the world's greatest spy.

432. Yeah, I know. Me, Sterling Archer.

433. Nice to meet-slash-be-killed by you.

434. I wasn't referring to you.

435. So is it gonna shoot me

436. or just electrocute me?

437. There's explosive residue

438. on the cables, Archer.

439. I was wondering about your suit preference vis-à-vis color.

440. - Cyril Figgis? - The very same.

441. He's managed to elude my more subtle efforts all morning.

442. He's quite cunning.

443. Cyril Figgis— the guy I sometimes stab by accident?

444. Who I intend to stab on purpose

445. once he comes here to rescue you.

446. Wait, I'm Cyril bait?

447. Indeed you are. He was top agent during your coma.

448. He won't let you die.

449. Let me explain something, Aleister.

450. I create bait, I use bait

451. and, yes, sometimes I accidentally shoot bait.

452. But I will never be bait

453. for Cyril goddamn Figgis!

454. And the Steak Aleister was just adequate.

455. Whoooooohoo! Zip line!

456. Boom goes the personnel health care form.

457. I'd like to see a regular field agent

458. fill these out in triplicate.

459. Cyril!

460. Archer.

461. What are you doing here after normal business hours?

462. I'm here during showdown hour.

463. Oh, God, is this an honor thing?

464. I'll just say you have more honor.

465. No, I need to defeat you in battle

466. to prove I'm the world's best spy

467. so Aleister will try and kill me.

468. Aha! So your valet istrying to kill you.

469. Well, right now, he's trying to kill you.

470. - What? - But after I shoot you,

471. he'll try to kill me.

472. Keep up, Cyril. Go get a weapon.

473. I've got a gun, so, probably, a gun.

474. - I'm not gonna shoot you. - Why not?

475. For one thing, it's wrong. Also, you've got a bad leg.

476. Cyril, you're making this

477. more annoying than it needs to be.

478. So just don't shoot me.

479. If I don't, Aleister will. Wouldn't you rather

480. get shot by someone you know, like me?

481. Is there a no-shooting option?

482. Unfortunately, no.

483. Pretty sure shooting a coworker

484. is an HR violation.

485. Aah!

486. Cyril, we were in this elevator

487. when it exploded, like, two hours ago.

488. How do you forget that?

489. Hey, I thought you broke your arm.

490. Well, I didn't.

491. I just wanted to take a break from missions,

492. and I thought I had to hide it.

493. - Good instinct. - But you know what?

494. I was good enough in the field that some assassin

495. thinks I'm the world's best spy, which means

496. I can do your job andmy office job.

497. And there's no shame in choosing the office.

498. Mm. Can we still say that I beat you?

499. I mean, technically, this shaft beat me.

500. Phrasing.

501. You win.

502. Good, which means I am officially the world's best...

503. - Ow!

504. But not for long.

505. Last words before I kill you both?

506. - Both? But he beat me.

507. Making me the world's best spy.

508. Field spy. I'm the top office spy.

509. Sure. I don't care about that.

510. Killing you both seems easiest.

511. Too bad I'm wearing a bulletproof vest.

512. Too bad I removed all the armor plating.

513. Oh, damn. That is too bad.

514. Wait, just one question.

515. Why use me to get to Cyril?

516. Why? Because you're best friends.

517. - What? - Aw.

518. I can't stand this guy.

519. You spend hours a day with him.

520. - True. - We work together.

521. You talk about him more than anyone else.

522. Really?

523. To criticize how stupid he is.

524. Oh, please. He was the first person

525. you told about your new office.

526. - Wow, you told me first? - To spite you.

527. - We arebest friends. - Maybe I'myour best friend.

528. You're my worst... stranger.

529. It's a classic odd couple fight.

530. Okay, it's one thing to say

531. I'm not the world's best spy.

532. But saying I'm Cyril's best friend

533. is an insult that will not stand.

534. That's a bit hurtful.

535. You realize you've brought a cane to a gunfight?

536. I realize shooting an unarmed guy

537. would make you a huge loser.

538. Touché.

539. - Cool. - Cool.

540. Stop it. We're not friends.

541. If you can kill me, then you can kill Cyril.

542. What? Wait, he doesn't have that power.

543. Very good, sir.

544. You made me believe I could love a valet again

545. and then besmirched Woodhouse's memory.

546. You besmirched!

547. - It was a job, sir. - Not to me!

548. Not my concern.

549. Well, you guys seem busy

550. and I've got paperwork, so...

551. It can wait!

552. I'm sorry, sir. Perhaps you should have

553. kept up with those rehabilitation exercises.

554. Oh, but I did.

555. Well driven, sir.

556. God damn it. It didn't have to be this way.

557. It did.

558. But it wasn't just a job for me.

559. It was... a pleasure.

560. We'll always have my reorganized closet.

561. Yes. And if you like,

562. I can recommend another...

563. valet.

564. Shh, shh, shh, shh.

565. No, I'm done with valets.

566. Because...

567. no one will ever top you.

568. And that Steak Aleister—

569. it-it wasn't just adequate.

570. It was goddamn perfect.

571. - Goodbye, Aleister.

572. You-you taught...

573. you taught me to love again!

574. Where the hell is everybody?

575. Holy crap.

576. Can we just live here?

577. Yeah. What's their extradition policy?

578. Yeah, it's pretty, but a burger costs, like, a million dollars.

579. - I'll take four. - Oh, shut up.

580. And I'll take the big bedroom.

581. Oh, I'm sorry.

582. The big bedroom is already taken.

583. Made in Georgia.

584. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

585. In three, two, one...

586. - Son of a—

587. That was so pre-coma me.

588. It's just like the good old days.

589. In America, you've got to earn respect.

590. I'm the boss. This is my town.

591. They're going to war with us.

592. We'll kill 'em all.

593. There's a big fish out there.

594. - Boom. - We're the future.

595. They're the past.

596. They just don't know it yet.

597. Fargo. All new, Sundays at 10:00 on FX.

598. Next day FX on Hulu.