Archer 11x4

1. What are we laughing at?

2. Is it Cyril?

3. - That's a very limited edition

4. only available at the plantation.

5. Oh! Hey, Archer!

6. - Barry!

7. - Archer, no!

8. - Damn it, Archer.

9. - Aw, my sipping tequila.

10. - New rule: No more office gun play.

11. - Fine by me.

12. Knives and chains are so much more intimate.

13. - You know you got shot, right?

14. For your information, this is a prior wound.

15. - Ow. Did I get him?

16. - Ooh. You sure did, bud.

17. Great grouping. Let me help you up.

18. - No, I don't need help from my sworn enemy

19. who by the way,

20. anyone else should feel free to start shooting.

21. - Up goes my buddy.

22. - Not your buddy!

23. Mother, what the hell is happening?

24. - Barry works for us now.

25. - What! - Look.

26. Barry is a very valuable team member.

27. He saved my life in Morocco. - And then you saved me

28. from that counterfeit Moroccan rug dealer.

29. - You shopped with him? - And more!

30. He's my emergency contact.

31. - Did not know that, but I will honor the responsibility.

32. - Seriously? One three year coma,

33. and you're all best friends with the man

34. who killed my fiancée and seduced her cyborg form?

35. - Well, technically, she killed herself trying to kill me,

36. but I get where you're coming from.

37. So allow me to say I am Barry, Barry sorry.

38. Then allow me to say good-bye.

39. Ah, damn.

40. That was supposed to electrocute you.

41. Hang on. - Look,

42. I know we have a history,

43. but after you reconnected me with my mom,

44. I started working on myself,

45. went to therapy, cut the toxic elements out of my life.

46. I haven't seen Katya—

47. Or talked to Other Barry in two years.

48. Also, my circuits are shielded

49. against anything short of an EMP, so go nuts.

50. - Oh, I plan to Barry.

51. About this obvious and inevitable double cross.

52. - Then it's a good thing you're going on the mission with him.

53. Barry? - He has briefing power?

54. Our target— No shit!

55. - Shh. The movie's starting.

56. - Our target is a KGB factory

57. that is currently using my DNA and schematics

58. to crank out hundreds of handsome devils just like me.

59. Our mission is to infiltrate the factory

60. and destroy the bots. Any questions?

61. - Doooouble cross.

62. - Technically, a statement.

63. - You're technically an egg with glasses.

64. Sorry, have a candy bar. - Thanks?

65. - Barry wants me to lead a team to a factory full of Barrys,

66. where we'll be surrounded by Barrys,

67. at which point he'll help us destroy the Barrys

68. instead of letting them kill us in an obvious double cross?

69. - Hey, you listened to the briefing.

70. - Out of pure outrage.

71. - Although, technically, I'm team leader on this mission.

72. - What!

73. I'm getting a fury tremor.

74. That's how angry I am right now.

75. - Use it. Because if we fail,

76. a plague of Barry-Bots will sweep the Earth,

77. enslaving all of mankind.

78. - Which I bet you would just hate.

79. Isn't that right, Barry?

80. - Absotively.

81. - And now I have to go to stupid Russia

82. with stupid Barry to get stupid betrayed.

83. - He sounds positively dreadful, sir.

84. - Sounds? Alcott, do you not know my entire backstory?

85. - I catch on quickly, sir. I'm trained in—

86. - Unacceptable excuses? I know, Alcott.

87. But a good valet knows backstory.

88. And doesn't pack wool socks for Russia in May.

89. What the—? Is that Reggie?

90. Alcott, did you seriously not feed this lemur

91. for the three years I was in a coma?

92. - Sir, I only entered your employ this morning.

93. So I don't—

94. - Understand the concept of animal cruelty?

95. Obviously, Alcott.

96. Move this dead lemur and arrange for a funeral.

97. Holy shit.

98. Reggie, you're alive.

99. Thank you, Alcott.

100. You know with this whole Barry thing,

101. I definitely needed a laugh.

102. - But obviously,

103. after you clean up, you're fired.

104. - Which is why I'm done fooling around!

105. - And you want us to fool around!

106. - Permission!

107. - I want your help.

108. Sterling's going through valets

109. like a bullet through tropical mahogany.

110. We're taking over the interview process

111. until we find an ideal candidate.

112. That's why they're here?

113. - Why else would they be here? - I don't know.

114. You see a line of suited men outside an office

115. with blinds that go all the way down, you start to hope—

116. - That you don't finish that sentence?

117. - Send in the first candidate.

118. - Good morning, ma'ams.

119. - Charmed. - Yeah, how you doing?

120. - Rank the grades of cashmere.

121. Grade A combed,

122. grade A sheared, grade B white on white combed—

123. - Skipping right over grade A sheared Mongolian goat.

124. - No, wait! - Get out.

125. Right now? At 20,000 feet?

126. - I don't know the exact height,

127. but just get out and then die.

128. - You know the fall wouldn't kill me, right?

129. - A plane crashing into you might.

130. - Hey! We are not crashing the plane.

131. That's an order.

132. - That you're relaying from someone who matters?

133. - But, I'm team leader!

134. - Archer, will you close the damn door?

135. - Only when you open your mind

136. about this predictable betrayal!

137. - Bud, I know this coma thing has your head spinning.

138. Heck, it was tough on all of us,

139. seeing you in that hospital bed, all wired and tubed up.

140. Bud.

141. - He came to the hospital!

142. - Hey, do you remember the song I sang to you?

143. - No! Lana,

144. were you there during this obvious security violation?

145. - You were asleep. I was getting married.

146. - Yeah, and if you'd been guarding me,

147. you wouldn't have had to settle

148. for your May late, late, late December romance.

149. - Didn't settle. Deeply in love.

150. Focus on the mission. - Right.

151. The infiltration plan has three distinct stages.

152. - Cyril, shut up, we're focusing on the mission.

153. Sorry, that was rude. Candy bar?

154. - Why do you keep insulting me and then giving me a candy bar?

155. Are you trying to ruin my diet?

156. No, I just happen to have a lot of candy bars

157. and separately, I don't respect you.

158. - Food has no power over me.

159. - Hey, don't laugh with me.

160. Or at me. Which reminds me, Lana,

161. how do you bang your old husband without—

162. - Oh, look. It's the drop zone.

163. - Jokes on you, Lana.

164. I'm gonna use the drop to think of a better insult!

165. - Bud!

166. You really shouldn't be landing on that bad leg!

167. - All right, let's roll out.

168. - And you're sure this is Dead Sea mud?

169. It feels suspiciously domestic.

170. - Come on, what the heck does a mud mask

171. have to do with being Archer's valet?

172. - Obviously, I'll be at his apartment from time to time.

173. My needs are his needs.

174. Speaking of...

175. - But Archer doesn't care about mud masks.

176. The man just came out of a damn coma.

177. He needs a confidant, someone he'll respect, someone—

178. - Who won't snap and murder everyone?

179. - Is that a common issue? - Like you wouldn't believe.

180. When I was a kid,

181. my horse butler went crazy for no reason.

182. - Jesus! You darted an employee?

183. - I liked him.

184. Anyway, he burned down our summer mansion

185. and killed my cousins with a hatchet

186. when they tried to escape the inferno.

187. I got away on my horse, thank god.

188. Anyway, we need to push these guys to the breaking point

189. to make sure they aren't weak or murderers.

190. About time, you giraffe-necked son of a bitch!

191. We won't be requiring his services.

192. - Hey, you said this outpost wouldn't be guarded.

193. - Looks like they upgraded.

194. - So, like, the opposite of Lana.

195. - People, focus.

196. We need a new plan.

197. Now these bushes should be enough cover

198. to flank the guards from either—

199. - Cyril, stop acting like you're in charge.

200. - I am in charge. - He whimpered.

201. - Look, it's a Barry-Bot factory.

202. I'm Barry. I blend.

203. I'll go handle it. - Right.

204. By telling them our exact locations,

205. so they can firebomb this very explodable bush?

206. - For the last time, bud, not gonna betray you.

207. - I know, not-bud, because I'm going with you.

208. - That defeats the purpose of me going up at all.

209. - Both of you, be quiet. Team leader.

210. We're flanking, end of story.

211. - We will absolutely do that,

212. right after you eat this candy bar.

213. - I—I—I'm not going to eat this.

214. - Do not care.

215. - Oi! - Easy.

216. Just out for a perimeter check.

217. - Yeah, and I'm a different Barry-Bot.

218. They wanted to try making one handsome.

219. - If you are bot, show us circuits.

220. - Shit. You guys are good.

221. He's a bomb!

222. - Flanking action!

223. - Hey, man, can you not shoot your gun so close to my penis?

224. - Like it matters? - Oh, it matters.

225. - Jesus Christ. - I know.

226. Cyril, you're supposed to kill the guard, not play sex games.

227. - Ugh, we've been over this.

228. The agency doesn't kill anymore, jackass.

229. - I thought you were kidding about that.

230. - These guards can't help that they were born into poverty

231. and their only career option

232. was to guard a killer robot factory.

233. In America, this man might be a grocer.

234. - Hey. My father is grocer.

235. - You're shitting me.

236. So now, in addition to the inevitable double cross,

237. I have to deal with Irving Klaw over here

238. pleasuring every guard we see? - I'm just going by the book.

239. - And I respect that Cyril.

240. Hey, maybe we should leave him a map

241. for where we're going for when he gets free, right?

242. Right?

243. Candy bar! You know why.

244. Lana.

245. No one's respecting that I'm in charge.

246. - Have you tried whining more?

247. - Hey, are you going to eat that?

248. - I'm just saying, what happens when you run out of rope?

249. - I also have zip ties.

250. - And that'll be great for when the guards shoot you

251. and then eventually organize their computer cables.

252. I hate him, but he definitely got you.

253. Lana, did you hear Barry get Cyril?

254. - Is that a candy bar? - No—it's an energy bar.

255. - Whatever. I don't like this.

256. Where are all the guards?

257. - Technically, it's a guard making factory, so, everywhere?

258. Oh, that reminds me.

259. What's the plan for when we're surrounded by Barrys,

260. and we lose track of our Barry

261. and all the Barrys say they're our Barry?

262. - That won't happen. Wait.

263. Will that happen?]

264. - It actually does seem possible.

265. - And annoyingly farcical.

266. - Well, you could draw a little dot on my cheek,

267. like they do to new born babies—

268. Are you frick—

269. are you frikkin' kidding me?

270. - What the shit, Archer? - A dot could wash off, Lana.

271. - It's my god damn—

272. Easy, Barry, don't go back down that dark dark hole.

273. It's a good idea, bud.

274. I sort of wish you didn't chop off the hand

275. with the high-powered laser.

276. - All right,

277. you get this back after the mission if you don't betray us.

278. - Looks like the mainframe is up this way.

279. That's where we can upload the virus

280. to deactivate the Barry-Bots.

281. - Mm-mmm. Not happening.

282. - Seriously?

283. It's one thing to question my authority,

284. it's another to reject the mission itself.

285. - Cyril, I mean it's not happening

286. because you have to go catch that guard you refuse to kill.

287. - Jeezy Petes. Those were good knots!

288. - Don't worry about it. We'll get him.

289. Head for the mainframe. - Barry's hand says...

290. Whoa!

291. Man, you weren't kidding about the laser.

292. - I never do. Is 20 enough?

293. - What is this?

294. - The perfect way to calibrate my lasers

295. with non-bovine subjects. Duh.

296. - And the world's first valet obstacle course!

297. - First, they have to make a black Manhattan,

298. then press this linen suit,

299. then they have to carry both down this hallway of lasers.

300. - If these amateurs can handle it.

301. Unlike my harpsichord teacher, who snapped for no reason.

302. - You're all insane.

303. Archer didn't reject his new valets

304. because they can't make drinks or fight lasers—

305. - Speaking of, are these lasers deadly?

306. - Oh my, no.

307. - But it is a very serious burn.

308. - Hard not to take the crotch shots personally.

309. - Oh, no, I intended them to be very very personal.

310. That's why I'm shooting the dick.

311. - Well, that's another way you can tell us apart,

312. especially since these Barrys look nothing like me.

313. - Yeah, my bad, but you still can't have your hand back.

314. - Speaking of, how's the physical therapy going?

315. - Good, I guess.

316. I mean, no one else has even asked.

317. But last week I— I did my first roundhouse kick.

318. It's dumb, but—

319. - Hey. Look at me.

320. Look at me. It's not dumb, bud.

321. Good for you. - Yeah, it is good for me.

322. Uh, thanks.

323. You idiot.

324. Why am I the idiot? It's protocol.

325. - It's protocol not to kill them.

326. We can still knock people out.

327. - You know, new studies show that is really bad for them.

328. - Very considerate. - Shut up!

329. - Lana, how many times did you visit me in the hospital?

330. Because Barry came eight times. - Not doing this.

331. - Did you upload the virus?

332. - Not yet, but you can't handle one guard,

333. so we're both slacking.

334. - Dang it.

335. - So how many Lana? - Where is the virus, Archer?

336. - I don't know. Barry's handling it.

337. - Sure could use that laser hand.

338. Look at him go!

339. - Krieger, let's make it a real test.

340. - Increasing laser randomization

341. to nightclub mode.

342. - You can't do it! No one believes in you!

343. - Adequate. - For who?

344. Do you people even know why Archer loved Woodhouse?

345. Sure he knew his shit, but he'd also done shit.

346. And you can't find that with tests about premium cashmere

347. from psychopaths who just want to watch the world burn!

348. - I don't need to watch the world burn.

349. I'm all about the smell.

350. - Pop quiz, hot shot: Archer's got three ladies at his place,

351. but they all have nose-based urges,

352. but the bathroom is occupied by Archer's mother,

353. who spilled Archer's nacho delivery

354. on her grade C cashmere. What do you do?

355. - Obviously, I would keep the women

356. separated long enough to—

357. Cheryl?

358. - All right, who's next?

359. - Uh, is no valet an option?

360. - No, it's not an option. It was the first thing I tried.

361. - It just feels like you could talk one Barry to another.

362. Right, Chainsaw Barry?

363. - Okay, not a talker. - Use the laser hand.

364. - This is for your own good!

365. - Cyril, stop screwing around and throw me the hand.

366. - I'm a little busy!

367. - Leading this whole mission

368. down an inferior Russian toilet?

369. I agree. - I get it.

370. I'm the worst team leader in the history of team leaders.

371. - Well, knowing is half the battle.

372. - I honestly forgot he was team leader.

373. - Enough!

374. - Holy sociopath, Cyril.

375. - What?

376. You wanted me to kill the guy this whole time.

377. I showed strength!

378. - Yeah, but you don't kill an unarmed, poorly tied up man

379. to prove a point.

380. - Yeah, pretty grim stuff, Cyril.

381. - Ooh, I hope these four little girls are just his friends,

382. but the resemblance is uncanny.

383. - It's not— I was following—

384. why didn't you go to work at the grocery store?

385. - The virus is uploading, but there's a problem.

386. - You want Cyril to tie it up and snap its neck?

387. - It looks like the Barry-Bot system has a failsafe.

388. - What is it?

389. Chef Barry?

390. Who designed these?

391. Oh, sorry. Is this weird for you?

392. - Yeah. Weirdly therapeutic.

393. - Lana, how's it going

394. with the slowest virus upload in history?

395. - I don't control the upload, you dick!

396. - Well, you do control your attitude,

397. which honestly has been really insensitive.

398. - Me?

399. You haven't eased off my husband since you woke up.

400. - I'm allowed to be insensitive.

401. I just woke up from a coma.

402. Which, now that I think about it, did I?

403. This all feels pretty coma-y.

404. No, it's real, bud.

405. But I'm with you.

406. Lana, you really need to be more supportive

407. during this period of adjustment.

408. - I am incredibly supportive! Right, Cyril?

409. Where the hell is Cyril?

410. I'll take care of you.

411. - Maybe he can take care of himself?

412. He'd burn down the building making toast,

413. out of spite for having to make toast.

414. - What about those Barry-Bots?

415. Could Krieger reprogram one to valet?

416. - Oh, definitely maybe.

417. - A robot valet would cut down on bloodstains.

418. I'll make the call. - Just FYI,

419. that laser field is still very active.

420. - My—I know we don't say it anymore, but—

421. Sploosh.

422. Apologies for my tardiness.

423. I volunteer at a lemur rehabilitation center

424. and it was my turn to rinse the tamarind leaves for snack time.

425. - It's fine. - Oh dear, your drink.

426. Allow me.

427. Black Manhattan was it, heavy on the Luxardo?

428. Just so.

429. - You must be the tech. I must say,

430. I've never seen such a deadly laser in such a compact device.

431. - That's the compliment I never knew I wanted.

432. Can I call you dad? - You can call me Aleister,

433. if the position is still available.

434. - That all depends.

435. Pop quiz: Archer's got two broads at his place,

436. sisters, Only thing is, they don't know about each other,

437. and one is temporarily blind due to—

438. - I keep his drink full, my mouth shut,

439. and the paramedic on speed dial.

440. - Paramedic?

441. - Veterinary paramedic.

442. No need to alert the authorities.

443. - Hmm. He'll do.

444. - More of them? Where are you guys coming from?

445. - Oh, perfect.

446. Better late than never inevitable double cross.

447. - You were saying?

448. - I was saying... sorry for assuming a double cross

449. that I guess isn't coming. - No, it wasn't.

450. - Well, thanks for the hand.

451. And the hand. - It's missing two fingers.

452. - Yeah, it was already like that when I chopped it off.

453. Ready to finish this?

454. - Not that ready.

455. The virus uploaded. Just in time.

456. - Really? Uh, I guess good mission,

457. buddy. - No, great mission, bud.

458. - What part of "we're done" is this, Lana?

459. - Agh, the failsafe had a failsafe!

460. - Well, that's just stupid.

461. You guys go.

462. Time for daddy to give baby a spanking.

463. No, I don't stand by that. Let me—

464. - Cyril!

465. - Guys, this is really more of a distraction than,

466. like, a totally well thought out plan.

467. - Lana, Barry can't handle this thing on his own.

468. We need to help him.

469. - No, we need to get out of here.

470. We accomplished the mission.

471. - Wha—an EMP grenade?

472. - Two robots. One boom.

473. - Are you kidding me? - Fine, you can throw it.

474. - All mission I've been waiting for a double cross,

475. and now you're gonna double cross Barry?

476. Hey, you said he was an evil cyborg,

477. and he's served his purpose which means—

478. Which means caring for him

479. has become inconvenient, right?

480. And it's easier to move on to new slash much older things?

481. I think I've got a plan, but it's not great.

482. - It's not moving on to take care of yourself,

483. which is what I'm doing!

484. - Taking care of yourself because Robert can't?

485. Sexually, I mean.

486. Any other plan?

487. - Robert and I have a very active sex life.

488. I'm sorry the world changed, and that must be hard,

489. but it wasn't my job to lay weeping by your hospital bed.

490. I have a life, and I am very content!

491. - Oh, right,

492. because all content people scream that they're content.

493. Okay, just gonna do my plan.

494. Good-bye, Barry.

495. - Barry!

496. You brave, beautiful cyborg.

497. - I'm sorry, Archer.

498. I know you two connected this mission.

499. - We really did. He was my friend.

500. Oh, God. Barry was my friend.

501. This coma thing has been hard. - I'm here for you, Archer.

502. - No thanks, Cyril. But look!

503. Cyril, look! - Oh, man.

504. - He did have a penis. And it was magnificent!

505. Don't let your old man see this, right?

506. - Just gonna let you have this one.

507. - Goodnight, mi amigo.

508. - Aw. You did remember.

509. - Barry? How?

510. - Uploaded my consciousness into another Barry

511. right before the explosion.

512. - You can do that? - I guess so.

513. And hey, heard what you said about my penis.

514. Thanks, bud. - I meant every word, pal.

515. It was—wow. Really impressive.

516. - Huh. So you're basically unkillable?

517. - I am now, thanks to that virus.

518. And in spite of all your efforts.

519. - What—this?

520. I mean— Cyril ordered me to bring it

521. as, uh, as team leader. - Oh, come on!

522. - Lana, it's fine. Barry doesn't hold a grudge.

523. But Other Barry—well...

524. - He hates you.

525. - Made in Georgia.

526. Get ready for the ride of your...

527. - ... life.

528. Don't spray that urine on my son's window!

529. If you want a dollar for doing nothing, walk to Canada!