1. Item four.Copy !req
2. Our contact
in the Sudan called.Copy !req
3. He wants to know...Copy !req
4. Why the hell
you started without me?Copy !req
5. Well, which part of
"9:00 a.m. sharp" confused you?Copy !req
6. - Most of it.
- Yeah.Copy !req
7. - Obviously.
- It was pretty clearCopy !req
8. to the rest of us.Copy !req
9. Who clearly didn't haveCopy !req
10. the shitty morning
I've had, Lana.Copy !req
11. Without pata negra ham,Copy !req
12. it's not really eggs Woodhouse,
now, is it?Copy !req
13. Well, sir,
culatello ham is actually...Copy !req
14. It's a different pig,Copy !req
15. from a different country,Copy !req
16. raised on a different diet.Copy !req
17. - The takeaway here
is you're fired.Copy !req
18. It's a little thing called
"being on timing"-ness.Copy !req
19. Oh, and I thought
it was calledCopy !req
20. - "who cares"-ness.
- Things have changed.Copy !req
21. Briefings start at 9:00 a.m.,Copy !req
22. and I expect everyone
front and center.Copy !req
23. How, when I have to park,
like, a gajillion miles awayCopy !req
24. because Cyril's vasectomy
on wheelsCopy !req
25. is in my goddamn parking space?Copy !req
26. It's been mine
for quite some time.Copy !req
27. And you don't need it
anyway, dear,Copy !req
28. - now that you can use the...
- A-da-da...Copy !req
29. handicap space.Copy !req
30. What?Copy !req
31. Oh, and speaking of...Copy !req
32. You trashed my car?Copy !req
33. "Trashed" is
a strong word, Cyril.Copy !req
34. - Listen...
- Accurate, but strong.Copy !req
35. You're gonna pay for that.Copy !req
36. Uh, literally or figuratively?Copy !req
37. - Maybe we try both.
- Oh. Like, as in,
over my dead...Copy !req
38. - Not now.Copy !req
39. body, in case
you were wondering where I wasCopy !req
40. going with...Copy !req
41. Oh, for the love of...Copy !req
42. - Krieger?
If this is aboutCopy !req
43. a package that just arrived,Copy !req
44. super don't open it.Copy !req
45. - What?
- Nothing.Copy !req
46. Thanks to you, Sterling
just zapped himself to deathCopy !req
47. all over my carpet.Copy !req
48. Uh, no.
I specifically designed itCopy !req
49. so the voltage
wouldn't kill him.Copy !req
50. Just maybe
put him back in a coma,Copy !req
51. so you can study his brain?Copy !req
52. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
53. We have our own jet now?Copy !req
54. Well, the agency
has become quite profitableCopy !req
55. ever since your... accident.Copy !req
56. Some might even say
"because of."Copy !req
57. Well, either way,
you can thank meCopy !req
58. by telling me
where the drinks are.Copy !req
59. It's a dry plane.Copy !req
60. Shut up, Cyril.
That's not a thing.Copy !req
61. Uh, we sort of have
an unspoken policyCopy !req
62. against the whole
"shut up" thing.Copy !req
63. Hmm, but no policy
on coma-jacking parking spots?Copy !req
64. Be that as it may...Copy !req
65. Strong priorities.Copy !req
66. Be that as it may,Copy !req
67. we've instituted a strictCopy !req
68. "no-drinking on duty" policy.Copy !req
69. With certain limited exceptions.Copy !req
70. Well, un-limit them,Copy !req
71. because I'm trying
to prepare for a mission.Copy !req
72. That involves us
going to a secret islandCopy !req
73. to infiltrate an underground
martial arts tournamentCopy !req
74. hosted by black market
arms dealer Win LiCopy !req
75. and smuggle him back
to the U.S.Copy !req
76. - In a fit of irony?
- To stand trial,Copy !req
77. so it's important
we take him alive,Copy !req
78. - you got it?
- Chong Li, karate island,Copy !req
79. - hadouken, got it.
- Nope.Copy !req
80. Oh, for chrissakes,Copy !req
81. this was all covered
in the damn briefing.Copy !req
82. Which you were late toCopy !req
83. - and then nearly died during.
Mm, mm, mm.Copy !req
84. - So disprofessional.
- Yeah!Copy !req
85. Does this mean briefings
are gonna start being fun again?Copy !req
86. - Absolutely not.
Aw.Copy !req
87. Krieger's flying
the damn planeCopy !req
88. and we're supposed
to be not drinking?Copy !req
89. Right?
- Wait,Copy !req
90. - we're not?
- Krieger!Copy !req
91. So, I guess,
here's to backup plans.Copy !req
92. No. NewbetterCheryl
doesn't do that.Copy !req
93. New, better Cheryl?
What the hell's that?Copy !req
94. I don't know!Copy !req
95. But she does
very good typingsCopy !req
96. and many other important
non-burny things.Copy !req
97. Well, not me,
so don't mind if I do.Copy !req
98. Hey, I was toasting
and/or taunting you, Pam,Copy !req
99. not offering.Copy !req
100. Agree to disagree.Copy !req
101. Oh, man.Copy !req
102. Pretty sure I have
the world's firstCopy !req
103. - karate island boner.
- Could you not?Copy !req
104. We try to keep things
professional around here.Copy !req
105. Fine, God.
How aboutCopy !req
106. - "work-related erection"?
- More like, maybe tryCopy !req
107. not talking about
your erection at all.Copy !req
108. I... don't know how.Copy !req
109. Welcome, everyone,Copy !req
110. to the 12th annualCopy !req
111. Dragon Fire Kumite!Copy !req
112. Fighters, head to registration,Copy !req
113. and everyone, please enjoy
the loggerhead turtle sliders.Copy !req
114. They're almost extinctCopy !req
115. because they're so tasty.Copy !req
116. Mmm. He wasn't kidding.
These things are amazing.Copy !req
117. Oh, put that away.
I'm allergic to loggerhead.Copy !req
118. Along with cat dander
and motherly affection? Got it.Copy !req
119. Dear God, stop stuffing
your face like a refugee.Copy !req
120. It's called carb-loading,
Mother.Copy !req
121. - Mmm.
- For what?Copy !req
122. - Karate island.
- Actually,Copy !req
123. we'll be entering Cyril
to fight in the tournament.Copy !req
124. Officially ending the searchCopy !req
125. for your long-lost
sense of humor.Copy !req
126. It's just,
Cyril's a bit more...Copy !req
127. I think the term
you're looking for isCopy !req
128. "fully functioning."Copy !req
129. How do I look?Copy !req
130. You mean, besides like
you've got the world'sCopy !req
131. first black belt in tax law?Copy !req
132. Right?Copy !req
133. We get it—
you finally exercised.Copy !req
134. Stop being
such a dick about it.Copy !req
135. Ignore him, Cyril.
You'll do fine.Copy !req
136. Which is more than
I can say for...Copy !req
137. whatever this is supposed to be.Copy !req
138. It's called undercover.Copy !req
139. As opposed
to vaguely racist?Copy !req
140. Vaguely?Copy !req
141. Ow!Copy !req
142. Mission focused, young lady.Copy !req
143. - You hear me?Copy !req
144. Well, not out of this damn ear.Copy !req
145. Oh, wait, that's better.Copy !req
146. What?
She stole my flask, Mother.Copy !req
147. I'm the victim here.Copy !req
148. Your job
is to stick to the plan.Copy !req
149. Stick to the plan.
Got it.Copy !req
150. I'll do a Manhattan
on the rocks.Copy !req
151. Oh, for the love of...Copy !req
152. - I want mission focus.
- Jesus.Copy !req
153. Sync on me in three,Copy !req
154. - two, one...
- Wait, sync on what?Copy !req
155. - mark.
- Mark?Copy !req
156. - I want comms checks...
- Wait, who's Mark?Copy !req
157. and everyone in positionCopy !req
158. in two minutes.
Now move out.Copy !req
159. Starting to feel like
I maybe missed a meeting.Copy !req
160. Okay, once we get past
the guards,Copy !req
161. we trigger the halon system,Copy !req
162. filling this place
with a cloud of gasCopy !req
163. and then we whisk Win Li away
in the chaos.Copy !req
164. Right.Copy !req
165. So, uh, where are we
on that refill?Copy !req
166. - Not really part
of what we're doing.
- It's called tradecraft, Lana.Copy !req
167. You even care
about blowing your cover?Copy !req
168. Think your tradecraft's
a tad rusty.Copy !req
169. Oh, so we're
making fun of my coma now.Copy !req
170. Archer...Copy !req
171. Feels like a dark line
to cross, Lana.Copy !req
172. Sorry, not what I meant.Copy !req
173. Let's just focus on our jobs.Copy !req
174. Exactly.
So, yeah,Copy !req
175. lighter on the vermouth
this time.Copy !req
176. And when you
bring him his drink,Copy !req
177. slip this into it.
Now, careful—Copy !req
178. - that's highly-concentrated
benzodiazepine.Copy !req
179. Oh, you mean a booster buddy!Copy !req
180. Don't worry, newbetterCheryl
totally stoppedCopy !req
181. taking these twice a day.Copy !req
182. Twice?
How are you still even alive?Copy !req
183. Thanks to Jesus.Copy !req
184. He's the Costa Rican guyCopy !req
185. I used to pay
to pump my stomach.Copy !req
186. Just get it done.Copy !req
187. Yeah, good luck with that.Copy !req
188. Seriously, what's
he so worked up about?Copy !req
189. How the hell should I know?Copy !req
190. I don't speak
angry-as-shit... Mandarin?Copy !req
191. - I'm just the trainer.
- Cleverly disguised
as a drunk moron.Copy !req
192. Who could still
whip your bony ass.Copy !req
193. Speaking of, how about you
tag me in for a few rounds?Copy !req
194. Feeling a little frisky.Copy !req
195. This is why we don't
drink on duty, Pam.Copy !req
196. We had a detailed
mission plan, and...Copy !req
197. - That hopefully includedCopy !req
198. your dumb ass turning around.Copy !req
199. - Great.
- I know, right?Copy !req
200. No, I mean
there are more guards now.Copy !req
201. Who are apparently
easily distracted.Copy !req
202. Let's move.
Now.Copy !req
203. - Archer.
- Uh, hang on.Copy !req
204. - Archer!
- What?Copy !req
205. I'm easily distracted,
too, Lana.Copy !req
206. I'm trying to watch Cyril...Copy !req
207. Hi-yah!Copy !req
208. weirdly not getting
his ass kicked.Copy !req
209. - Well, so much for...
- Parking spot schadenfreude.Copy !req
210. And, more importantly,
for our chanceCopy !req
211. to just walk right on in there.Copy !req
212. Unless...Copy !req
213. - Pam, come in.
- What the...Copy !req
214. It's a new microburst
ear transmitter.Copy !req
215. I know, dummy.
Why don't I have one in my ear?Copy !req
216. Uh, because you're not
in tactical command?Copy !req
217. But a cocktail waitress is?Copy !req
218. That makes zero sense.Copy !req
219. Ugh. Just...
Pam, come in.Copy !req
220. All right, all right.
Hold your damn horses.Copy !req
221. Mr. Hogging-the-ring
wants some water.Copy !req
222. And she's drunk.
Happy now?Copy !req
223. That you have space ears
and I don't?Copy !req
224. - You tell me, Lana.
- Space ears?Copy !req
225. In my coma, we were in space,
and we put that wordCopy !req
226. in front of, like, everything.Copy !req
227. It was pretty space great.Copy !req
228. Ugh. I told Malory
bringing you was a bad idea.Copy !req
229. Oh, why is that?
Because it conflictedCopy !req
230. with your new life plan
to avoid me?Copy !req
231. No.
Wait, what?Copy !req
232. I'm not trying
to stay away from you.Copy !req
233. Please. Staying away
is all you've been doingCopy !req
234. - since the coma, Lana.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.Copy !req
235. It's okay.
I get it.Copy !req
236. It's obvious you don't
trust yourself around me.Copy !req
237. Wait, what? Why wouldn't I?Copy !req
238. Oh, well, I'll, uh,
give you a hint.Copy !req
239. The answer rhymes withCopy !req
240. "my throbbing sexuality."Copy !req
241. All right, Glass Joe here
is good to go. What's up?Copy !req
242. Oh, me? Just reeling from
blunt force sexual imagery.Copy !req
243. Hey, Lana says
keep the fight goingCopy !req
244. until their signal.
You got that?Copy !req
245. Well, in the hands
of a lesser fighter...Copy !req
246. Which, compared to me,
you totally are.Copy !req
247. Come on, Cyril.
Give mama a turn.Copy !req
248. - Pam, you're drunk.Copy !req
249. Since when's that
a damn problem?Copy !req
250. Mission accomplished.Copy !req
251. - Good.
- Oh, wait.Copy !req
252. Non-accomplished.Copy !req
253. - What?
- "Disaccomplished"?Copy !req
254. What happened?Copy !req
255. I remembered
newbetterCheryl doesn'tCopy !req
256. drug random people anymore.Copy !req
257. Oh, just shut up.
Clearly, I have toCopy !req
258. do everything around here.Copy !req
259. Ooh. Don't look now,Copy !req
260. but I think
a certain someone is into...Copy !req
261. Necrophilia?Copy !req
262. My husband's older, not dead.Copy !req
263. It's the same thing, Lana.Copy !req
264. Unlike the sex, which...Copy !req
265. we both know
was way better with me.Copy !req
266. You know, it's hard
to call it betterCopy !req
267. when you hate yourself
afterwards.Copy !req
268. And yet you kept
coming back for more,Copy !req
269. thereby proving
how irresistible I am.Copy !req
270. - Wait, Lana, shut up.Copy !req
271. Check it out.Copy !req
272. - Thank you.
- Hey! What the hell
are you doing?Copy !req
273. Restoring balance
to the universe, Lana.Copy !req
274. What's it look like?Copy !req
275. This is Sterling Archer,
tactical commander, not Lana,Copy !req
276. who— side note—
is basically beggingCopy !req
277. to have sex with me right...
Ow!Copy !req
278. Will you just come on?Copy !req
279. The hell kind of girls' prisonCopy !req
280. did you learn to fight in?Copy !req
281. Come on, tag me in.Copy !req
282. What the...
This isn't pro wrestling.Copy !req
283. I must say, your fighterCopy !req
284. has been quite impressive.Copy !req
285. He better be.Copy !req
286. That man he's fightingCopy !req
287. usually has
a killer right hook,Copy !req
288. and that's not a euphemism
for anything.Copy !req
289. People die all the time.Copy !req
290. Oh, wait!
There it is.Copy !req
291. Oh, sorry.
Work.Copy !req
292. Yello.Copy !req
293. Defective, my ass!Copy !req
294. Hey, Yuri, try standing
on one of those land minesCopy !req
295. and you'll see
how not defective they are.Copy !req
296. Mm, sorry.
Where were we?Copy !req
297. So let me get this straight.Copy !req
298. In your sick little world,
every moment I'm with youCopy !req
299. I'm basically a nanosecond away
from ripping off my clothes,Copy !req
300. jumping your bones
and ruining my life?Copy !req
301. Your words.
- Not how that phrase works.Copy !req
302. Though it's apparently how
being obsessed with me works.Copy !req
303. - Damn it, Archer!
- What?Copy !req
304. We don't just go around
shooting people anymore.Copy !req
305. Why not?Copy !req
306. Because...Copy !req
307. That's literally
95% of the job.Copy !req
308. W-We try to use
nonlethal force now.Copy !req
309. It's called
a license to kill, Lana,Copy !req
310. not a license
to gently subdue.Copy !req
311. - Is this funny to you?Copy !req
312. Not you, idiot.Copy !req
313. That.Copy !req
314. Jesus Christ, Archer.Copy !req
315. Did you forget to call Pam and
tell her we're past the guards?Copy !req
316. Sure, let's go with that.Copy !req
317. Call her, goddamn it.
He's...Copy !req
318. Really getting killed
out there.Copy !req
319. - Well, in the meantime...Copy !req
320. Yello?Copy !req
321. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Raoul.Copy !req
322. No one ever said that bazookaCopy !req
323. could sink a cruise ship.Copy !req
324. You want
to take out a cruise ship,Copy !req
325. I can sell you something to take
out a cruise ship, you kook.Copy !req
326. Okay, I'll see you in Kiev.Copy !req
327. Sorry, where were we?Copy !req
328. I was just about to suggest
we freshen our refreshments.Copy !req
329. Mm, I like
where this is going.Copy !req
330. Wait, as in sex, right?Copy !req
331. If you play your cards right.Copy !req
332. Ah, and the delicateCopy !req
333. foreplay dance begins.Copy !req
334. - Hey!Copy !req
335. Whatever happened toCopy !req
336. "No more personal calls,
Cheryl.Copy !req
337. "No more
four-hour lunches, Carol.Copy !req
338. No more shoving
your fingers in..."Copy !req
339. Pam, get Lana on comms
and tell...Copy !req
340. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
341. Like beating a dead horse
out there.Copy !req
342. Pam...Copy !req
343. get Lana on the...
talk box thingCopy !req
344. and tell her...Copy !req
345. What do you mean
you can't call?Copy !req
346. Mm, there's no signal
down here.Copy !req
347. - Oh, idiot.
- Idiot?Copy !req
348. I didn't invent
how cement walls work, Lana.Copy !req
349. - What?
- The hell?Copy !req
350. Okay, yeah, so...Copy !req
351. Oh, I'm-I'm just gonna...Copy !req
352. I'm just gonna go ahead and...Copy !req
353. That's it.
Calling my own number.Copy !req
354. Big Mama's handing out
biscuits, baby!Copy !req
355. And you dare interfere withCopy !req
356. the Dragon Fire Kumite?Copy !req
357. Well, somebody had
to spice up this snooze-fest.Copy !req
358. Then by rule,Copy !req
359. you must duel to the deathCopy !req
360. with the legendary Dragon Fire.Copy !req
361. Conway Stern?Copy !req
362. Take... me.Copy !req
363. - Uh... Pamela.Copy !req
364. So glad you came.Copy !req
365. Twice.Copy !req
366. Tum-tum feeling better?Copy !req
367. - Nice tone, Lana...Copy !req
368. But yes.Copy !req
369. Thank you for asking.Copy !req
370. Okay, I've got an idea.Copy !req
371. Maybe try glaring at me
tons more, Lana.Copy !req
372. Maybe that'll get us
out of here.Copy !req
373. Oh, I'm sorry.
Was I glaring?Copy !req
374. I thought I was just looking
at the idiot who got us caught.Copy !req
375. - Well, with your
resting bitch face...Copy !req
376. Hey, asshole!Copy !req
377. No talking till
Mr. Li gets here to kill youCopy !req
378. with a bazooka,
like you are cruise ship.Copy !req
379. - Fine, but if you
scratch that cane,Copy !req
380. it will literally
end up inside your...Copy !req
381. Asshole.Copy !req
382. Yeah. I probably deserve that.Copy !req
383. I'll bet you miss me, though.Copy !req
384. Not even close, bud.Copy !req
385. You know what you could've
gone with right there is,Copy !req
386. "Glenn Close, but no cigar."Copy !req
387. Well, you're about to have
a dangerous liaison...Copy !req
388. with my fist!Copy !req
389. Oh, my, my, my.Copy !req
390. Looks like a...
reversal of fortune.Copy !req
391. Are you starting to feel a...
fatal attraction?Copy !req
392. No, it's more like...Copy !req
393. hook!Copy !req
394. Uh...Copy !req
395. - resting what face?
- Uh,Copy !req
396. not at all sure I follow.Copy !req
397. - Bitch.
- Pardon?Copy !req
398. I believe you saidCopy !req
399. "resting bitch face."Copy !req
400. Uh, honestly, I feel like
I would remember that.Copy !req
401. Ah, good.
I must have misheard you.Copy !req
402. I guess that means
I don't have to do this.Copy !req
403. Goddamn it.Copy !req
404. Hey!
I told you...Copy !req
405. Son of a bitch!Copy !req
406. Problem?Copy !req
407. Well, not if you'd stand still
for, like, two friggin' seconds.Copy !req
408. Yeah, I hear you.Copy !req
409. I'm kind of like a...
Uh... I'm like a...Copy !req
410. - Muhammad All Over
the Damn Place?
- Damn it!Copy !req
411. Go!Copy !req
412. Hey, Lana, how's theCopy !req
413. "non-murdering bad guys"
thing going?Copy !req
414. Well,Copy !req
415. like everything else you touch,
it's kind ofCopy !req
416. turned to shit.Copy !req
417. Oh, my God!
Did you just see that?Copy !req
418. Full-on midair head shot!Copy !req
419. That was so pre-coma me.Copy !req
420. Yeah, just like
being pinned down,Copy !req
421. about to die,
and it's all your faultCopy !req
422. feels pretty pre-coma you also.Copy !req
423. Right?Copy !req
424. Although...Copy !req
425. that's kind of new.Copy !req
426. - Don't move!
- Lana, am I still in a coma?Copy !req
427. What are you...
No. God damn it, no.Copy !req
428. Damn, because this
is gonna hurt.Copy !req
429. Any last words, Big Mama?Copy !req
430. Yeah.Copy !req
431. - They rhyme with go f...Copy !req
432. Aah!Copy !req
433. You have got to be kidding me.Copy !req
434. How you like that,Copy !req
435. - Daniel Day-Loser?
- Ow!Copy !req
436. As in My Left Foot.Copy !req
437. Yeah, yeah, that's pretty good.Copy !req
438. Just like we planned.Copy !req
439. But you haven't seen the last
of Conway Stern!Copy !req
440. Ow.Copy !req
441. Which...
Is it my real name?Copy !req
442. I'll never tell you!Copy !req
443. Oh, my God,Copy !req
444. this hurts so much more
than losing a hand.Copy !req
445. Good news!Copy !req
446. Dear God.Copy !req
447. OldwaybetterCheryl
is so back.Copy !req
448. From where,
a truck stop bacchanalia?Copy !req
449. Uh, sure,Copy !req
450. let's go with that.Copy !req
451. And where the hell
have you been?Copy !req
452. Uh, this new place
called almost dying.Copy !req
453. - Hardly.
You!Copy !req
454. You've ruined
my entire operation.Copy !req
455. Oh, go stuff a sock in it.Copy !req
456. Swear to Christ,Copy !req
457. I have to do everything
around here.Copy !req
458. Now clean this up.Copy !req
459. Hey, where the hell's Cyril?Copy !req
460. Hello?Copy !req
461. Oh, for the love of...Copy !req
462. You forgot one!Copy !req
463. Sorry, Mother.
Mission focused.Copy !req
464. Your words.
Can't go back.Copy !req
465. Christ, Archer,
did you leave himCopy !req
466. just to get
your parking space back?Copy !req
467. No.Copy !req
468. Made in Georgia.Copy !req
469. - He's awake!Copy !req
470. Can we all just admitCopy !req
471. that seeing someone in a coma
is intensely erotic?Copy !req
472. W've got a mission tonight
and I want you on it.Copy !req
473. The tactile cane.Copy !req
474. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
475. Big Mama's
handing out biscuits, baby!Copy !req
476. ome back.
Took you long enough.Copy !req
477. I would like expensive whiskey.Copy !req
478. - We only have beer and wine.
- What am I, 12?Copy !req