Archer 11x1

1. Thar she blows, you Moby dicks!

2. Ugh, what is it now?

3. You know, we're only trying to steal back

4. a priceless artifact that, by the way, belongs in a...

5. Holy shit.

6. He woke up.

7. What?

8. Archer's awake?

9. Oh, my God.

10. "Oh, my God" is right.

11. If you thought that rocked,

12. wait till you hear this.

13. Woodhouse.

14. Woodhouse.

15. Woodhouse!

16. Oh.

17. Never mind. You're dead.

18. Which is just so selfish.

19. God, we get it, phone, you ring.

20. - What now? Sterling,

21. I expect to see you at work today.

22. I was thinking maybe I'd just

23. do what I did yesterday. You know,

24. stare into the void, the void stares into me.

25. Mostly void stuff.

26. No more stalling.

27. I didn't raise a shrinking violet

28. that wilts at the slightest...

29. Three-year coma, Mother.

30. Sure, Coach, I'll rub some dirt on my nerve damage.

31. Speaking of, a new valet is coming at 9:00

32. to see if he can do anything about

33. that bacteria-breeding facility

34. you call a home.

35. - I don't know. - Sterling, dear,

36. I'm only doing this because you are totally incapable

37. of taking care of yourself and always have been.

38. That's very sweet, Mother.

39. I promise I'll give him a fair shake.

40. Good morning, sir. I'm your new...

41. It's 9:02!

42. Oh, Woodhouse.

43. What I wouldn't give to force-feed you

44. aquarium gravel one last time.

45. The turquoise— you hated that.

46. All right, all right, let's not

47. make a big deal out of... this.

48. Thank you for so swiftly honoring my request.

49. Oh, a wave,

50. an entirely appropriate response to my heroism.

51. Welcome back, sir.

52. Oh, that's it? I was expecting

53. some kind of batshit-crazy add-on.

54. I'm sure I don't know what you mean.

55. Here's your briefing book, new staff handbook,

56. and your drink.

57. Thank you. Um, just out of curiosity,

58. when did you get your shit together?

59. Oh, I don't know. I guess it was probably around coma o'clock.

60. W-W... Wait, wh-what?

61. That's just an inside joke we had

62. about your coma.

63. I guess you had to be there and not in a coma.

64. Well, you made it.

65. Two hours late, but you're here.

66. I'm supposed to be here at a time?

67. We've got a mission tonight and I want you on it.

68. - A mission? So we're really spies again? - Mm-hmm.

69. A quasi-independent, freelance international spy organization.

70. - Don't worry about it. - I kind of feel like I should.

71. Well, then still don't.

72. So, now that we're all here...

73. W-Wait, w-what about Lana?

74. She's doing... advance scouting.

75. Man, I've hardly seen her at all.

76. It would almost seem like she's ducking me.

77. Oh, stop it with the portentous mumbles.

78. We had a whole talk about that.

79. The point is our cover story is that

80. we're providing security at a museum gala,

81. but our true mission is a bit more interesting.

82. Cyril?

83. Well, our true purpose is to...

84. Wait, why is Cyril talking? Wh-What is it,

85. Best Agent in the World Gets to Talk Day

86. and Opposite Day simultaneously?

87. Uh-huh.

88. We don't do that anymore, Archer.

89. Ugh. Jeezy Petes. That keeps happening.

90. The dangers of increased muscle mass, I guess.

91. Hey, steroids aren't the answer,

92. no matter how inadequate you feel and, in fact, are.

93. The only thing I'm injecting myself with is hard work,

94. using the syringe of...

95. Nope. Lost it.

96. Anyhoo...

97. our target is Peregrine,

98. the world's foremost art thief.

99. He's going to try to steal this statue of weeping Orpheus.

100. We nabbed it from one of his warehouses to use as bait.

101. Our objective:

102. apprehend Peregrine and pass him to Interpol.

103. Man, you guys are lost without me.

104. He's gonna know that's a ruse.

105. Which is exactly why he'll come.

106. Our psych profile shows a pathological need

107. - to demonstrate superiority. - Sound familiar?

108. He'll show up to try to outsmart us.

109. Nice briefing, Cyril. Super concise.

110. What, you guys are friends now?

111. Well, I'm spent.

112. And what a better way to celebrate my return

113. than me escorting all of you to Chez Trop Cher

114. where I will generously allow you to buy me brunch.

115. - Can't do that. - Brunch... That's, uh... - Oh, no, thank you.

116. Can you guys take it somewhere else?

117. New, better Cheryl is trying to get work done.

118. You used to be fun.

119. Yeah, well, your legs used to work.

120. Look, we've been targeting Peregrine for months.

121. This is kind of a huge deal for us.

122. So, huge deal like your buddy just got out of a coma,

123. or huge deal like art theft,

124. which is basically a victimless crime?

125. - Um... - We've, uh... we've got stuff to do.

126. Come on, man, we'll hang out soon, I swear.

127. But until then, maybe

128. chill your balls out just a skosh.

129. Oh, my balls are frosty, okay?

130. But if you're all too busy and/or stupid

131. to go with me to brunch, I'll be in my office

132. when you're ready to apologize.

133. Not sure if this takes the sting out of it,

134. but you don't actually have an office anymore.

135. Oh, so I'm supposed to hang out where?

136. In the break room,

137. alone, like a pervert,

138. wallowing in a miasma of microwaved fish curry

139. and its subsequent farts.

140. Sometimes you buy too much salmon.

141. What, to attract bears? Did you get that?

142. There's a double meaning.

143. Yeah, subtle. Anyway,

144. since my time here on Earth is finite,

145. Krieger wants to see you.

146. Great, the only person with time to hang out

147. is wanted for ethical violations in nine countries.

148. - It's up to ten now.

149. Well, speaking of crimes against humanity,

150. how do you fit anything in the fridge

151. with all of Cyril's proteins, anyway?

152. It's like the last helicopter out of Saigon in there,

153. but shakes.

154. - So... - The recently de-comafied brain

155. is a complete mystery to science,

156. like dark matter or why squirrels get so enraged

157. when they see me naked.

158. Uh-huh. Nodding. No need to explore.

159. So what I want you to do

160. is remember all of your coma dreams.

161. Put them in your mind.

162. Now... speak.

163. There's so much.

164. First, I was a private detective,

165. - right, in a... - Yep,

166. - that's enough. - Really?

167. - 'Cause there's kind of a lot. - Yep.

168. Just needed enough to calibrate your brain waves.

169. Though if you're looking to plumb your psyche

170. with morally questionable Flatliners-style

171. experimentation, I'm down to clown.

172. Tempting, but no.

173. Especially because for you, the clown in question

174. is probably John Wayne Gacy.

175. - Exactly. - Yeah, I already

176. have one of those in my hand, currently.

177. Not like this.

178. I used your scan to calibrate your new

179. Brain Wave Sensitive Tactical Mobility Device,

180. or, for short, BWSTMD.

181. Krieger, you should probably start

182. working backwards on those.

183. Let's just call it the tactil-cane.

184. Hey, that feels pretty good.

185. It anticipates your moves and enhances them,

186. working with your nervous system

187. to rebalance you. Plus infrared telescope,

188. garrote, and a sleeping gas canister.

189. This— this is the moment it all turns around.

190. My inevitable rise to my rightful place

191. at the top of the... Oh.

192. Oh, yeah, don't hold it like that.

193. All our intelligence suggests

194. that Peregrine will strike tonight.

195. - Cyril? - Thank you, Malory.

196. Now, this guy's silk and stealth on the entrance,

197. bullets and balaclavas on the exit.

198. He will shoot his way out if he has to.

199. We have one advantage:

200. he doesn't know that we know what he looks like.

201. Whoa. Sploosh, right?

202. - Oh... - Yeah, we don't do that anymore.

203. You-you don't... w-what, sploosh?

204. Y-You have to sploosh.

205. Y-You all sploosh. Everybody splooshes.

206. I do not sploosh.

207. Well, thank you, Detective Dick Droop.

208. Anything else you want to ruin for us?

209. Oh, a great many things.

210. This is Agent Bruchstein, Interpol liaison,

211. just in from Belgium.

212. So she's here to wander around

213. and screw things up as much as possible?

214. I supplied you with the photo.

215. Well, let's just coast on that for the rest of your life.

216. Spread out. Eyes open.

217. Krieger is on comms.

218. I thought we just needed audio.

219. Oh, yeah.

220. Aw, you didn't bring the fun stuff.

221. Archer,

222. I need you to stay here,

223. close to the statue.

224. You'll have the element of surprise if...

225. Shut up. There's Lana.

226. I suppose you'll tell me

227. he's not usually like that.

228. - Nope, that's him. - No, he's always like that. - That's pretty much him.

229. Lana.

230. Hi. I... Wow.

231. Sorry, i-it's always a shock that you look like that.

232. Archer, it's, uh... it's good to have you back on mission.

233. Yes. I mean, no, not yet.

234. Uh... look, I know you've been ducking me,

235. so I need to tell you something now before you bail again.

236. Oh, coming in hot.

237. Well, whatever this is, it's probably not a good time.

238. No, no, no, this can't wait, Lana.

239. I-I lived several lifetimes while I was in that coma

240. in a bunch of different genres, I guess.

241. E-Everything was changing.

242. I couldn't get a handle on who I was

243. or what it all meant,

244. but the one constant was you.

245. Needing you is apparently the deepest part of me.

246. I guess I don't know what I'm proposing, except...

247. uh, if you could excuse us, buddy,

248. I'm in the middle of giving a heartfelt,

249. life-changing speech.

250. To my beautiful wife.

251. Yes, I get it.

252. Hello, Sterling. I'm Robert.

253. Bu-bu wha... bu wha... bu wha fada...

254. Bald.

255. Yeah, we can talk more about

256. how and why I'm bald later.

257. I know this is all a shock, but the feelings here are real,

258. and I honor them,

259. and we understand and love you.

260. You do not get to love me.

261. That is a hostile act!

262. What is the how of that?

263. Though maybe the portentous mumbles

264. should have tipped me off that something was coming.

265. Well, that is what portentous means.

266. So how long into my coma was it

267. before you bravely pushed aside your grief

268. and married that human catheter ad?

269. - Eight months. - Eight months?

270. Wh-When did you meet him?

271. Um, at your hospital.

272. He was doing a fundraiser for kids with cancer.

273. Oh, oldest trick in the book.

274. - What book? - All the books, Lana.

275. Okay, one, we weren't together,

276. and two... there doesn't need to be a two.

277. This is gonna take time, Archer.

278. Okay? There's a lot you missed.

279. I'm sorry. I-I get it.

280. I just... I just need to know one thing.

281. What does his skin feel like— papery or more mushy?

282. Is it scaly, like a Sleestak?

283. Quite a crowd here.

284. Yeah, they really packed them in,

285. like protein shakes in a fridge.

286. - What was that? - I was agreeing.

287. You know, if you have something to say, just...

288. - You're a fridge hog! - See?

289. Doesn't that feel better than being passive-aggressive?

290. I-I guess.

291. - I... - Extremely passive-aggressive.

292. So, what do you think?

293. It kind of looks like that thing

294. where you've been away for a long time

295. and when you come back no one really cares

296. and people have moved on and you're all alone

297. and nobody understands you.

298. Or maybe it's just a lady with big cans.

299. Oh, I don't know.

300. Her cans aren't that big.

301. - And now this.

302. You know, Sterling, I think it's important

303. to look at these cans in context of their era.

304. So, what are you, some crazy-rich millionaire?

305. Millionaire?

306. Oh, God, no, no, no, no.

307. I hit billionaire at 25.

308. This is actually my wing of the museum,

309. but that's not what this is about.

310. I find that hard to believe.

311. I know you don't want to hear this right now,

312. but the fact that you think me and Lana are impossible

313. is what makes you and Lana impossible.

314. - Wow. - Yeah, hits pretty hard.

315. No, I-I've just never met a bald fortune cookie before.

316. Okay, I'll give you some time.

317. Who's bald!

318. Whoa, oh.

319. Krieger, what's going on with the tactil-cane?

320. Jesus, your brain waves are all over the place.

321. - Is there a problem? - Yes. I was just condescended to

322. by an elderly geek,

323. and Lana was apparently using my coma bed

324. as a singles bar.

325. Well, technically, it was the hallway

326. - just outside your coma bed. - How is that better?

327. - It's ten feet more respectful? - Uh, new, better Cheryl here.

328. Look, can we all just admit that seeing someone in a coma

329. is intensely erotic?

330. No.

331. Man, it was so easy to remember the good stuff

332. when he didn't interrupt it with...

333. his mouth and his face

334. and his general being.

335. Oh, well, I'm sorry for practicing

336. a little self-care.

337. Like the time I caught you practicing self-care

338. in your office.

339. You know I wage a constant battle against my impulses.

340. Well, thank you, Onan the Barbarian.

341. Yeah, you got Bible burned.

342. What in God's name is going on?

343. I see sloppy positioning, uncovered zones...

344. and that dress isn't doing your hips any favors, Lana.

345. Well, at least my hips didn't produce a human disruption

346. on the scale of an ice age.

347. W-W... Wait a second. I've had my shakes in the fridge

348. for months. Why did you suddenly get annoyed?

349. Dukes! Archer just made some little comment about it.

350. It's like he doesn't even have to try to cause problems.

351. Look, we had a great team dynamic going

352. before he came back, so let's just roll it back

353. to coma o'clock and... Oh, my God.

354. Wait, was everyone

355. really happier without me?

356. - Well... not exactly. - Is anybody really happy? - No.

357. - Not what she's saying. - No, it's not that we were happier without you.

358. It's just that we became happier when you weren't arou...

359. Crap, that's the same thing.

360. I would like four of your

361. most stupidly expensive whiskeys.

362. Sorry, sir, one drink per patron.

363. And we only have beer and wine.

364. Beer and wine? What am I, 12?

365. I'll deal with you when you become more sensible.

366. - That'll be never, pal. Next.

367. Oh, Woodhouse, what happened to us?

368. Oh, shit. You're talking to rocks now?

369. No, no, silly. Just...

370. I was just looking for a real drink.

371. You shining liquor angel.

372. See? Told you we'd catch up later.

373. I missed the shit out of you.

374. Yeah, well, that makes exactly one of you.

375. What is with everybody?

376. It's been three years, numbnuts.

377. We've had a whole thing going without you.

378. Can't you just make an effort to fit yourself in?

379. Boom, phrasing,

380. which we probably don't even say anymore.

381. Look, I-I'll try and fit in,

382. but what's with Lana and Methuselah?

383. I've never seen her happier.

384. And honestly, you two have a lot in common.

385. - How do you figure? - Well, now you both have

386. a lifelong relationship with a Kane.

387. - Ah-cha-cha! - Oh, right.

388. Lana Ka... Yeah. Okay, that's pretty solid.

389. Well, look who stopped being such a bitch.

390. All right, everyone, I'm sorry I've been a distraction, and,

391. while it pains me to say it,

392. I will cede ground to you guys— for now—

393. and I will accept a...

394. I will accept a...

395. support role.

396. You know, Archer, like Orpheus,

397. you too have visited the land of the dead.

398. Jesus, Cyril, if I needed someone to murder subtext,

399. I'd dig up Ayn Rand and stick a pen in her hand.

400. Well, this is all quite inspiring,

401. but it might have been more useful

402. if the statue weren't already gone!

403. Yes, keep staring. It might reappear.

404. Seal off the exits! Find him!

405. And, uh, I support you enthusiastically,

406. for-for that is who I am.

407. Ugh, the incompetence.

408. I can assure you, Agent Bruchstein,

409. nothing like this has ever happened before.

410. Or will again.

411. Interpol had its doubts, and I spoke up for you.

412. Well, if you can get fired over this,

413. - I'm sure we can... Fired?

414. Oh, no, no, no. Europe's labor laws

415. are much too strong for that.

416. - Reprimanded? - Not with my union.

417. I have to check in with headquarters.

418. Huh. And I thought we beat the communists.

419. I need a drink.

420. Krieger,

421. you've been monitoring my brain waves and location

422. through the tactil-cane, right?

423. Yes, but not in a creepy way.

424. Everything you do is, by definition, in a creepy way.

425. Hey, uncalled for. Also fair.

426. If I look at that photo now, can you check

427. if there were any places I saw Peregrine,

428. even if I didn't consciously register it?

429. Scanning for similar optic patterns.

430. You saw him 16 times.

431. - Goddamn it. - Huh. You never actually

432. saw him anywhere near the statue.

433. So that would only make sense

434. if that's not the right photo.

435. And after a double knee replacement,

436. I finally got back to the squash cour...

437. We got him.

438. Uh, honey, bit of bad news here.

439. That's actually the museum director.

440. I'm quite well-known.

441. - Nighty-night, Peregrine.

442. No, stop it!

443. Huh, really wish I hadn't wasted that sleeping gas

444. - on myself now. - No!

445. - Ow!

446. Krieger, Bruchstein is Peregrine.

447. In pursuit down the south corridor.

448. And great thinking putting only one gas charge

449. in the tactil-cane.

450. Well, I didn't know you were gonna shoot yourself in the face

451. - with it. - Always assume that!

452. Aw, crap. Evil bartender.

453. No wonder he sucked.

454. Give it up, Peregrine.

455. You were supposed to find the decoy earlier

456. to create the diversion, but you were too incompetent

457. to do even that, amateurs.

458. And that is our strength,

459. you waffle-faced...

460. Wait, you're still actually Belgian, right?

461. Yes! But I was raised in the States.

462. You lambic-gargling Limburger dick cheese.

463. Those are silly stereotypes.

464. So are you guys Flemish or Walloon?

465. That would help my specificity.

466. - We got to get closer. - All right, here's what we do.

467. Archer, Cyril is tactical lead.

468. I-I concede that a plan that comes out of your mouth

469. has at least a theoretical possibility

470. of not getting us killed.

471. Thanks, Archer. I'm sure it took a lot

472. - to almost not insult me. - I know.

473. - I mean, look at you. - Great.

474. Now, Ray and I will flank, set up an enfilade.

475. Lana and Pam on a delayed spearpoint.

476. - Archer, you... - Don't say it.

477. provide suppressing fire.

478. And there it is.

479. In three, two,

480. one.

481. Suppressing fire!

482. Wait, wait, wait.

483. - Why do they have gas masks?

484. Go get 'em, Woodhouse.

485. God, that smells worse

486. than the break room salmon.

487. Cyril, grab them.

488. Or are you screwing with office fridge space for nothing?

489. Jeezy Petes!

490. Gravel got him.

491. Archer!

492. I wanted whiskey.

493. I literally did not have any, you asshole.

494. Then why am I still angry?

495. Goddamn it.

496. No!

497. And they say art is use...

498. You did good, kid.

499. Lana?

500. Wait.

501. - Go to her. - Uh-huh, I was.

502. No, go to her because of my nobility.

503. Ugh. Gravity, you utter bitch.

504. Welcome back.

505. Took you long enough.

506. Made in Georgia.

507. - He just came out of a coma.

508. You guys are lost without me.

509. - Whoa! Archer!

510. - The tactile cane.

511. Hang on. That was supposed to electrocute you.

512. Oh.

513. Oh, for the love of...

514. Don't spray that urine on my son's window!

515. If you want a dollar for doing nothing, walk to Canada!

516. - Need you to reload my cane.

517. Sorry. Just testing the range.