1. FXX presents Archer 1999.Copy !req
2. All right,
let's get this over with.Copy !req
3. This proceeding and any
sentences arising therefromCopy !req
4. shall be conducted under
the Federation Judicial Code,Copy !req
5. Article Nine,
in re attempted murderCopy !req
6. and mutiny, both capital offenses.Copy !req
7. Now, I know you've all been sworn,Copy !req
8. and I have read your complaints.Copy !req
9. - I have a question.
- Is it, "What's the best wayCopy !req
10. - to interrupt a judge?"
- No.Copy !req
11. - Then...
- It's, "Why does a spaceshipCopy !req
12. have an enormous
dedicated courtroom in it?"Copy !req
13. - Yeah, right?
- I don't know! I didn't build it.Copy !req
14. Well, it's ridiculous.
I basically sleep in a coffin,Copy !req
15. and this could have been...
21/2 squash courts.Copy !req
16. - Ooh, or a holodeck!
- We have a holodeck.Copy !req
17. - Yeah, but we never use it.
- Can we please...Copy !req
18. Oh, so hey, why not
just have the holodeckCopy !req
19. - turn into a courtroom?
- Ooh, or 21/2 squash courts.Copy !req
20. Order! Order, or I willCopy !req
21. hold you all in a different
kind of contempt.Copy !req
22. Now, then, Mr. Figgis,
are the people ready to proceed?Copy !req
23. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
24. Uh...Copy !req
25. Oh, uh, sorry.
Yes, Your Honor, the, uh...Copy !req
26. What is...Copy !req
27. Oh, come on, seriously?Copy !req
28. Yes, Your Honor.
The people are ready to proceed.Copy !req
29. That's what I thought.Copy !req
30. And is the defendant
ready to proceed?Copy !req
31. No, the defendant is not
because there is no defendantCopy !req
32. because this whole thing
is a sham and a farce,Copy !req
33. and I don't recognize
this kangaroo court's authorityCopy !req
34. because it's presided over
by a male prostitute.Copy !req
35. - Courtesan!
- Pobobot!Copy !req
36. And by God, you will recognize itCopy !req
37. because prior to my
current circumstances,Copy !req
38. for 16 years, I was a
Federation High Court Justice!Copy !req
39. - I have a question.
- Woman, I swear to God.Copy !req
40. How'd you go from being
a Federation judgeCopy !req
41. - to, like, blowing space truckers?
- Well, missy...Copy !req
42. Th-that is a...
oh, that is a long, crazy story.Copy !req
43. But it is entirely nongermaneCopy !req
44. to the solemn proceeding
before this bench.Copy !req
45. And so, Mr. Archer,Copy !req
46. having reminded you that
the man who represents himselfCopy !req
47. - has a fool for a client...
- I'm not representing myself.Copy !req
48. - Well, then who is?
- Oh, just TV's Michael Gray.Copy !req
49. Who, for reasons known but to God,
is wearing seersucker.Copy !req
50. So if you wanna go ahead
and do that motion to dismiss,Copy !req
51. now would, uh,
maybe be a good time.Copy !req
52. Oh, and also, we wish to countersue.Copy !req
53. - I'm not typing that.
- What?Copy !req
54. - I'm gonna allow it!
- For injuries and damagesCopy !req
55. from you assholes
attempting to murder meCopy !req
56. so Lana could steal half of the ship.Copy !req
57. Well, when TV's Michael Gray
is done with you,Copy !req
58. I'm gonna own your half.Copy !req
59. So, hey, I don't think
this is going as wellCopy !req
60. as you think it's going.Copy !req
61. You goddamn crook.Copy !req
62. 10x09 - Robert De NiroCopy !req
63. sync & correction by f1nc0
- Addic7ed.com ~Copy !req
64. Jesus, okay.
I think that's enough.Copy !req
65. I don't wish to cause the witnessCopy !req
66. - any further distress.
- I'm fine, Your Honor.Copy !req
67. - What about my magazine?
- Will you...Copy !req
68. There's lots more video, Your Honor.Copy !req
69. Like the part when Pam
smashed me in the headCopy !req
70. - with a fire extinguisher.
- Yeah!Copy !req
71. Play that! Ka-klunk!Copy !req
72. Do the people have
any further questionsCopy !req
73. - for this witness?
- Not at this time, Your Honor.Copy !req
74. - Then your witness.
- Well? Uh, what are you waiting for?Copy !req
75. Get up there and cross-examine her.Copy !req
76. - What are you, hourly?
- I think I would be, if I was a lawyer.Copy !req
77. - Damn it.
- Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.Copy !req
78. Something is wrong with your brain.Copy !req
79. You need to plead not guilty
by reason of insanity.Copy !req
80. Beg them for mercy and realize
you're hallucinating me.Copy !req
81. - I'll see you disbarred for this.
- Great, look forward to it.Copy !req
82. Point of procedure. I, uh, no
longer wish to be representedCopy !req
83. - by TV's Michael Gray.
- All righty.Copy !req
84. Are the people okay with him
not having an imaginary lawyer?Copy !req
85. - They're great with it.
- Then your witness.Copy !req
86. Thank you.
Now, then, Miss Kane, is it?Copy !req
87. Yup.Copy !req
88. Um...
Damn, I had something for this.Copy !req
89. - Did ya?
- Actually, can we maybeCopy !req
90. call her back at a, uh, time
later than, um... later than now?Copy !req
91. You're just a regular Clarence Darrow.Copy !req
92. You may step down.
Thank you.Copy !req
93. - Call your next witness.
- Your Honor, the people callCopy !req
94. - the defendant's mother, Malory Archer.
- Ooh.Copy !req
95. Come on, are we not doing that?Copy !req
96. - Ooh.
- Oh, come on.Copy !req
97. - Are you kidding me?
- Sit down, sir!Copy !req
98. Are you... she's dressed
exactly like Marlene DietrichCopy !req
99. in "Witness for the Prosecution,"Copy !req
100. right down to the hair
and the rakish little beret.Copy !req
101. Are you seeing this?Copy !req
102. - Are you?
- What?Copy !req
103. How the...
Objection. I object.Copy !req
104. - To what?
- I will ask the question!Copy !req
105. It's actually the same question.Copy !req
106. I don't know. Everything!Copy !req
107. Oh, then I guess we can all go home.Copy !req
108. Can we?Copy !req
109. - What the hell is happening?
- Don't look at me.Copy !req
110. God damn it, TV's Michael Gray.Copy !req
111. - Uh, Your Honor...
- Wait, wait, shut up.Copy !req
112. - You shut up!
- Order! You're out of order!Copy !req
113. You're out of order!
You're out of order!Copy !req
114. This whole trial is out of order!Copy !req
115. Th-they're out of order!Copy !req
116. Everybody shut up!Copy !req
117. And you bang that thing
one more time,Copy !req
118. - I'll break it off inside you.
- Legit phrasing.Copy !req
119. Shh! Listen.Copy !req
120. Proximity alert.Copy !req
121. - What's going on?
- What alert?Copy !req
122. Why the hell is there a proximity...Copy !req
123. - Whoa!
- Ow!Copy !req
124. Collision.Copy !req
125. How the...
Who's on the bridge?Copy !req
126. Nobody, because we're all down hereCopy !req
127. at this goddamn kangaroo railroad.Copy !req
128. - What?
- The... the... the... the... the...Copy !req
129. - Choo-choo!
- Krieger! Why aren't you up there?Copy !req
130. - Well, then who would do this?
- Holy shit, dude, that's really good.Copy !req
131. You don't think it's derivative?Copy !req
132. No, 'cause I don't know
what that is.Copy !req
133. - It's when...
- Krieger! Status report!Copy !req
134. Right?Copy !req
135. Okay, uh, we've got
moderate hull damageCopy !req
136. - to starboard amidships, um...
- From what?Copy !req
137. I don't know. Jesus. Turn that
thing to the exterior cameras.Copy !req
138. Oh, right.Copy !req
139. - Oh, my God.
- A Dri'n attack barge.Copy !req
140. - Which means...
- Boarding party.Copy !req
141. And there ain't no party
like a boarding partyCopy !req
142. 'cause a boarding party don't stop.Copy !req
143. Well, until these monstrous bastardsCopy !req
144. have slaked their thirst for blood.Copy !req
145. And let me tell you, these little
devils are just parched.Copy !req
146. I know, right?
Barry-6, out.Copy !req
147. Wh-what do we do?
What do we do?Copy !req
148. Well, the first thing
we've gotta do...Copy !req
149. and I'm sure we can all
agree on this...Copy !req
150. is declare a mistrial.Copy !req
151. Come on, man.
What's taking so long?Copy !req
152. "Space metal"?Copy !req
153. Think about how dumb that sounds.Copy !req
154. Now, come on, let's
peel this banana and...Copy !req
155. Take a bite.
I mean, before they all get awayCopy !req
156. - in an escape pod, of course.
- Cyril!Copy !req
157. - Lana...
- You are not...Copy !req
158. - I'm serious.
- Abandoning ship.Copy !req
159. - Do not make me hit you.
- Excuse me?Copy !req
160. No, I... I didn't mean that.Copy !req
161. - Whoa!
- Ow!Copy !req
162. - Serves you right!
- Trying to cut the line like that!Copy !req
163. What...
No one is abandoning ship!Copy !req
164. - We're gonna stay here and fight!
- I really don't think we should.Copy !req
165. - Yeah, good luck with that.
- Meaning?Copy !req
166. Meaning those freaks are literally gonnaCopy !req
167. - chew you up and spit you out.
- Well...Copy !req
168. Or not spit you out.Copy !req
169. I don't know about pirate
dining etiquette,Copy !req
170. but definitely the chewing up part.Copy !req
171. Well, nobody asked you,
since last I checked,Copy !req
172. you're a goddamn mutineer.Copy !req
173. Well, the last I checked...
and I'm not being facetious...Copy !req
174. - nice sweater dress.
- What?Copy !req
175. - Sweater dress?
- What?Copy !req
176. - So you think maybe you are crazy?
- I'm crazy?Copy !req
177. - I mean...
- She's crazy if she thinks she can fight offCopy !req
178. an entire barge full of murderous
Dri'n pirates without me.Copy !req
179. - Uh, first of all...
- Hull breach.Copy !req
180. - Oh, no.
- Oh, that's no good.Copy !req
181. Talk about crazy, huh?Copy !req
182. Whoo!
Now, that's what I call a nice gash.Copy !req
183. No, we're not doing space phrasing.Copy !req
184. Uh, because it's derivative.Copy !req
185. - And also because I said so.
- Hull breach.Copy !req
186. - I'm the only chance you've got.
- He's right, you know.Copy !req
187. - Yeah, you gotta let him go.
- That, or let us in that damn pod!Copy !req
188. - I vote pod.
- Cyril! And, I'm sorry, have we all forgottenCopy !req
189. he basically sexually assaulted me
with a rolled-up magazine?Copy !req
190. - No.
- That's evidence.Copy !req
191. - You're evidence!
- And there was nothing sexual about it.Copy !req
192. I don't know.
I thought it was pretty sexy.Copy !req
193. On opposite day!
Gross, you guys!Copy !req
194. - Goddamn.
- Lana, I'm sorry I attacked you.Copy !req
195. I honestly don't know
what got into me.Copy !req
196. And when this is over, you can
punish me however you see fit.Copy !req
197. - It's howmever.
- Shut up!Copy !req
198. But this calls for some
serious swashbuckling,Copy !req
199. and no one else can
buckle swashes like me, so...Copy !req
200. Xenomorphs detected.Copy !req
201. - Oh, no!
- Your call.Copy !req
202. Xenomorphs detected.Copy !req
203. Xenomorphs detected.Copy !req
204. You're damn right, they are.Copy !req
205. Get some! Yeah.Copy !req
206. Be a hitter, big un.
And have fun out there.Copy !req
207. Oh, hey, and, uh,
if anyone finds Archer,Copy !req
208. remember, he's all mine.Copy !req
209. Okay, so Mother... here you go...Copy !req
210. is gonna lure them into the holodeck.Copy !req
211. - Why?
- Well, for one thing, because shut up.Copy !req
212. But remember... here you go...
if we have to fall back...Copy !req
213. and we can probably
go ahead and make thatCopy !req
214. "when we fall back"...
here, take some of these...Copy !req
215. fall back to the escape pod.
The pod is the Alamo.Copy !req
216. If we're just gonna go back there,
why'd we leave in the first place?Copy !req
217. Because the goal
isn't to run away so fast,Copy !req
218. - it makes your vagina flap.
- Plus, all the guns are in here.Copy !req
219. - Not all of them.
- You got the sentry guns online?Copy !req
220. - Yep, yep, yep.
- Okay. Here we go!Copy !req
221. - A and B guns firing.
- Wait, wait, wait. At what?Copy !req
222. What?Copy !req
223. - 80, 60...
- What the shit, Krieger?Copy !req
224. 40.Copy !req
225. - That's it.
- Then what was the point?Copy !req
226. - Mm-mm-mm. Director's cut?
- Ugh.Copy !req
227. - Right?
- Wait, what?Copy !req
228. Uh, did they even hit anybody?Copy !req
229. So then just totally pointless.Copy !req
230. Unless you lean on them,
you big dummy.Copy !req
231. - Okay, Mother...
- Archer!Copy !req
232. - That's your cue.
- And just how exactlyCopy !req
233. am I supposed to lure those creepsCopy !req
234. to the holodeck without
getting myself killed?Copy !req
235. Oh, right, right,
right, right, right.Copy !req
236. The rest of you, follow me.Copy !req
237. Move, Cyril.
I want to hear it flap.Copy !req
238. Come on, Archer.
You can run, but...Copy !req
239. Well, I guess you can hide, obviously.Copy !req
240. But stop doing it
is what I'm saying.Copy !req
241. Who's up for some
bopping and booping?Copy !req
242. I'll bop your boop, you little...Copy !req
243. Why would it be a ruse?Copy !req
244. Come on, you mother humpers.Copy !req
245. Jeezy Petes, you really are crazy!Copy !req
246. We're sitting ducks.
There's no cover.Copy !req
247. Jesus Christ, do you nerds
really never come down here?Copy !req
248. - Oh!
- This is incredible!Copy !req
249. I know, right?
Plus, upstairs, there's a bunchCopy !req
250. of hologram whores giving out
old-timey 50-cent blow jobs.Copy !req
251. - Wait, what makes them old-timey?
- Uh, they're 50 cents?Copy !req
252. Hoooo, Mikey Mike!Copy !req
253. Whoa!Copy !req
254. - Is now the best time for that?
- A lot better than it's about to be.Copy !req
255. How many are there?Copy !req
256. - Scores.
- Like, literally scores or...Copy !req
257. Cyril, get your shit together.Copy !req
258. Now, listen, you gotta let 'em
come into our killing zone.Copy !req
259. Don't just start blasting away
the second you...Copy !req
260. Suppressing fire!Copy !req
261. Whoo!Copy !req
262. - Goddamn, dude.
- Seriously.Copy !req
263. You shot all my guys.Copy !req
264. Oh, for... way to go, Cyril.Copy !req
265. - What?
- "What?" I'm supposed to be the hero.Copy !req
266. - Doing what?
- Seriously, Archer?Copy !req
267. - Wow.
- Well?Copy !req
268. - That is pathetic.
- So are sweater vests.Copy !req
269. - Huh?
- What's a sweater vest?Copy !req
270. Hey, asshole,
you really wanna be the hero?Copy !req
271. - I mean...
- Then let's just you and me play.Copy !req
272. Danger.Copy !req
273. The self-destruct system
is now activated.Copy !req
274. Why do we even have that?Copy !req
275. - What? How?
- Because the password was...Copy !req
276. - "guest."
- Told you.Copy !req
277. Detonation in two minutes.Copy !req
278. - What?
- Two? No.Copy !req
279. I thought I set it for 20.Copy !req
280. - Krieger, can you override it?
- Um...Copy !req
281. Krieger cannot override it.Copy !req
282. - No.
- What do we do? What do we do?Copy !req
283. Well, if you hustle, I bet you can
just make it to the...Copy !req
284. Escape pod.Copy !req
285. - Come on, everybody. Move it!
- Let's go!Copy !req
286. All except you, Archer.Copy !req
287. They go.Copy !req
288. - You stay.
- What? No. Sterling, no!Copy !req
289. Mother, it's okay. You go.Copy !req
290. - I need to stay here for a while.
- Archer...Copy !req
291. Detonation in 90 seconds.Copy !req
292. - Go!
- Son of a...Copy !req
293. Come on.Copy !req
294. No, no, no, no, no, no!
Sterling!Copy !req
295. Moms, huh?Copy !req
296. So you're willing to die
just to make sure I do?Copy !req
297. - Yep.
- Why?Copy !req
298. Because, Archer, a long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away,Copy !req
299. you put your nasty dick
in my fiancée's butthole.Copy !req
300. Wait, wait, wait, that...
that's what this is about?Copy !req
301. - Oh, yes.
- Uh, what was her name?Copy !req
302. - Simone?
- Framboise!Copy !req
303. Detonation in 60 seconds.Copy !req
304. Jesus Christ.
Well, if it's any consolation, Barry,Copy !req
305. I can't even remember
what she looks li...Copy !req
306. - Go, go, go, go, go!
- But wait!Copy !req
307. - Couldn't we...
- Malory, we need to move.Copy !req
308. - We've only got...
- Detonation in 30 seconds.Copy !req
309. - That.
- No, no, no, wait!Copy !req
310. - Wait. Just wait a second. Wait.
- What?Copy !req
311. Chicken butt.Copy !req
312. Chicken butt, Barry!Copy !req
313. Detonation in 15 seconds.Copy !req
314. Escape pod launched.Copy !req
315. Yes!
They're safe, Barry.Copy !req
316. Detonation in ten...Copy !req
317. - Are they?
- Nine...Copy !req
318. - What?
- Eight...Copy !req
319. - Are they safe?
- Seven...Copy !req
320. - Yes.
- Six...Copy !req
321. So you're the big man, huh?Copy !req
322. - Five...
- Yes, Barry, I am.Copy !req
323. - Four...
- I'm huge.Copy !req
324. - Three...
- Not what Framboise said.Copy !req
325. - Two...
- Oh, really?Copy !req
326. - Because...
- One.Copy !req
327. Shit, I had something for...Copy !req
328. Ignition.Copy !req
329. Rampaaaaaage!Copy !req
330. - Ugh.
- Sterling Malory Archer.Copy !req
331. Code name Duchess.Copy !req
332. So here's the thing. I need
to access my operations account,Copy !req
333. and you're preventing that.Copy !req
334. Now, we can do this easy,
or we can do it hard.Copy !req
335. The thought of me dead
gives you an erection?Copy !req
336. - Jesus Christ!
- Your call.Copy !req
337. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
338. Drink, drink, drink, drink!Copy !req
339. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
340. Bawk! Bawk!Copy !req
341. - Archer!
- I'm coming!Copy !req
342. Phrasing, boom!Copy !req
343. Okay, let's try that a...
Oh, shit!Copy !req
344. Survey says...Copy !req
345. - Don't try to do anything stupid.
- I don't have to try.Copy !req
346. I'll show you who's boss.Copy !req
347. How do you like that?Copy !req
348. - Hey, asshole!
- Lana.Copy !req
349. Lana.Copy !req
350. Lana!Copy !req
351. - Lanaaaaa!
- What?Copy !req
352. Sterling Archer, I'd like
you to meet your daughter,Copy !req
353. - Abbiejean.
- Why is that who named like me?Copy !req
354. Because he's your son,
you colossal idiot.Copy !req
355. Until you can look at your motherCopy !req
356. and see her
not just as your motherCopy !req
357. but as a person...Copy !req
358. When have I ever
been honest with Sterling?Copy !req
359. You can't grow up.Copy !req
360. Honey, you still got it.Copy !req
361. Pretty much my whole life,Copy !req
362. my default setting has been half-ass.Copy !req
363. Whoo-who cares?Copy !req
364. Imagine as I literally
beat you to deathCopy !req
365. that a giant hand has turned my dialCopy !req
366. from half-ass
to quadruple-ass.Copy !req
367. Oh, booyakasha!Copy !req
368. I've been shot, stabbed,
set on fire, poisoned, shot,Copy !req
369. sexually assaulted,
partially chewed,Copy !req
370. shot,
and declared legally deadCopy !req
371. twice on the same day.Copy !req
372. - Think you might have a problem.
- Yeah, Lana, it's called cancer.Copy !req
373. Archer?Copy !req
374. - Are you...
- The man who cheated death?Copy !req
375. I might be immortal.Copy !req
376. Archer!Copy !req
377. Goddamn Barry.Copy !req
378. - Mother?
- Sterling?Copy !req
379. W-w-wait, what are you...
what are you...Copy !req
380. - I... I...
- I know you didn't just breakCopy !req
381. another glass in here, because
if I told you once, I told you...Copy !req
382. My Lord Jesus!
God!Copy !req
383. - Gladys! He's awake!
- He's awake!Copy !req
384. Yeah, um, duh.
Wh-why am I in a hospital?Copy !req
385. You were shot by a crazy woman.Copy !req
386. Just like Eddie Waitkus!Copy !req
387. - Who?
- Don't get him started.Copy !req
388. Oh, man.
For a second there,Copy !req
389. I thought maybe the booze
had caught up with me.Copy !req
390. Ooh, speaking of...Copy !req
391. - With me standing right here?
- He's gonna need it.Copy !req
392. Wait, why?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
393. H-how long have I been here?Copy !req
394. - Mother?
- Sterling...Copy !req
395. Mother, how long
have I been here?Copy !req
396. - Three years.
- What?Copy !req
397. No. Three...Copy !req
398. Wait, not... no.
No, no, no.Copy !req
399. Y-you want me to call Dr. Gorenstein?Copy !req
400. Oh, please.
You think he could be bothered?Copy !req
401. At midnight on a Sunday?Copy !req
402. - Plus, what would his mistress say?
- So bad.Copy !req
403. Wait, why are you here
at midnight on a Sunday?Copy !req
404. - Well, I, um...
- She's always here.Copy !req
405. Oh, now, not always.Copy !req
406. - Let me get you some ice chips.
- For three years?Copy !req
407. I wanted to be here
when you woke up.Copy !req
408. Okay, so, like,
wh-wh-what about Lana?Copy !req
409. - Lana?
- Hey, wait, do I have a kid?Copy !req
410. There's plenty of time
to talk about all of that.Copy !req
411. The important thing
is that you're backCopy !req
412. - and we're together.
- Um, uh, okay.Copy !req
413. After all, the real story's
always been about you and me.Copy !req
414. - What are you...
- Which, when you think about it,Copy !req
415. at its heart,
it's really a love story.Copy !req
416. - Please, Mother, don't say that.
- It's true.Copy !req
417. Ugh!Copy !req
418. sync & correction by f1nc0
- Addic7ed.com ~Copy !req