1. FXX presents
Archer 1999.
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2. All right,
let's get this over with.
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3. This proceeding and any
sentences arising therefrom
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4. shall be conducted under
the Federation Judicial Code,
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5. Article Nine,
in re attempted murder
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6. and mutiny,
both capital offenses.
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7. Now, I know
you've all been sworn,
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8. and I have read
your complaints.
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9. - I have a question.
- Is it, "What's the best way
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10. - to interrupt a judge?"
- No.
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11. - Then...
- It's, "Why does a spaceship
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12. have an enormous dedicated
courtroom in it?"
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13. - Yeah, right?
- I don't know!
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14. - I didn't build it.
- Well, it's ridiculous.
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15. I basically sleep in a coffin,
and this could have been...
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16. 21/2 squash courts.
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17. - Ooh, or a holodeck!
- We have a holodeck.
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18. - Yeah, but we never use it.
- Can we please...
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19. Oh, so hey,
why not just have the holodeck
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20. turn into a courtroom?
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21. Ooh, or 21/2
squash courts.
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22. Order! Order, or I will
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23. hold you all in a different
kind of contempt.
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24. Now, then, Mr. Figgis,
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25. are the people
ready to proceed?
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26. Oh, yeah.
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27. Uh...
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28. Oh, uh, sorry.
Yes, Your Honor, the, uh...
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29. What is...
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30. - Oh, come on, seriously?
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31. Yes, Your Honor.
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32. The people are ready
to proceed.
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33. That's what I thought.
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34. And is the defendant
ready to proceed?
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35. No, the defendant is not
because there is no defendant
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36. because this whole thing
is a sham and a farce,
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37. and I don't recognize
this kangaroo court's authority
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38. because it's presided over
by a male prostitute.
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39. - Courtesan!
- Pobobot!
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40. And by God,
you will recognize it
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41. because prior to my
current circumstances,
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42. for 16 years, I was a
Federation High Court Justice!
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43. - I have a question.
- Woman, I swear to God.
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44. How'd you go
from being a Federation judge
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45. to, like,
blowing space truckers?
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46. Well, Missy.
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47. Th-that is a...
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48. Oh, that is a long,
crazy story.
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49. But it is entirely nongermane
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50. to the solemn proceeding
before this bench.
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51. And so, Mr. Archer,
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52. having reminded you that
the man who represents himself
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53. has a fool for a client...
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54. I'm not representing myself.
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55. Well, then who is?
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56. Oh, just TV's Michael Gray.
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57. Who, for reasons known
but to God,
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58. is wearing seersucker.
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59. So if you wanna go aheadand
do that motion to dismiss,
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60. now would, uh,
maybe be a good time.
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61. Oh, and also,
we wish to countersue.
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62. - I'm not typing that.
- What?
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63. I'm gonna allow it!
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64. For injuries and damages
from you assholes
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65. attempting to murder me
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66. so Lana could steal
half of the ship.
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67. Well, when TV's Michael Gray
is done with you,
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68. I'm gonna own your half.
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69. So, hey, I don't think
this is going as well
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70. as you think it's going.
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71. You goddamn crook.
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72. Jesus, okay.
I think that's enough.
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73. I don't wish to cause
the witness
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74. - any further distress.
- I'm fine, Your Honor.
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75. What about my magazine?
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76. - Will you...
- There's lots more video, Your Honor.
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77. Like the part when Pam
smashed me in the head
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78. - with a fire extinguisher.
- Yeah!
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79. Play that!
Ka-klunk!
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80. Do the people have
any further questions
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81. - for this witness?
- Not at this time, Your Honor.
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82. Then your witness.
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83. Well? Uh,
what are you waiting for?
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84. Get up there
and cross-examine her.
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85. What are you, hourly?
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86. I think I would be,
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87. if I was a lawyer.
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88. - Damn it.
- Look at me.
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89. Look at me.
Look at me.
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90. Something is wrong
with your brain.
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91. You need to plead not guilty
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92. by reason of insanity.
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93. Beg them for mercy
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94. and realize
you're hallucinating me.
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95. I'll see you
disbarred for this.
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96. Great,
look forward to it.
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97. Point of procedure.
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98. I, uh, no longer wish
to be represented
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99. by TV's Michael Gray.
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100. All righty.
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101. Are the people
okay with him
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102. not having
an imaginary lawyer?
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103. They're great with it.
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104. Then your witness.
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105. Thank you.
Now, then, Miss Kane, is it?
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106. Yup.
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107. Um...
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108. Damn, I had something
for this.
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109. - Did ya?
- Actually,
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110. can we maybe
call her back at a, uh,
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111. time later than, um...
Later than now?
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112. You're just a regular
Clarence Darrow.
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113. You may step down.
Thank you.
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114. Call your next witness.
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115. Your Honor, the people call
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116. the defendant's mother,
Malory Archer.
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117. Ooh.
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118. Come on, are we not doing that?
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119. - Ooh.
- Oh, come on.
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120. - Are you kidding me?
- Sit down, sir!
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121. Are you... she's dressed
exactly like Marlene Dietrich
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122. in "Witness
for the Prosecution,"
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123. right down to the hair
and the rakish little beret.
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124. Are you seeing this?
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125. - Are you?
- What?
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126. How the...
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127. Objection. I object.
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128. - To what?
- I will ask the question!
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129. It's actually
the same question.
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130. I don't know.
Everything!
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131. Oh, then I guess
we can all go home.
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132. Can we?
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133. What the hell is happening?
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134. Don't look at me.
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135. God damn it,
TV's Michael Gray.
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136. - Uh, Your Honor...
- Wait, wait, shut up.
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137. You shut up!
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138. Order!
You're out of order!
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139. You're out of order!
You're out of order!
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140. This whole trial
is out of order!
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141. Th-they're out of order!
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142. Everybody shut up!
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143. And you bang that thing
one more time,
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144. I'll break it off
inside you.
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145. Legit phrasing.
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146. Shh! Listen.
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147. Proximity alert.
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148. - What's going on?
- What alert?
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149. Why the hell is there
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150. a proximity...
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151. - Whoa!
- Ow!
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152. - Collision.
- How the...
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153. Who's on the bridge?
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154. Nobody,
because we're all down here
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155. at this goddamn
kangaroo railroad.
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156. - What?
- The... the... the... the... the...
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157. - Choo-choo!
- Krieger!
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158. Why aren't you up there?
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159. Well, then who would do this?
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160. Holy shit, dude,
that's really good.
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161. You don't think
it's derivative?
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162. No, 'cause I don't know
what that is.
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163. It's when...
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164. Krieger!
Status report!
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165. Right?
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166. Okay, uh, we've got
moderate hull damage
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167. - to starboard amidships, um...
- From what?
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168. I don't know.
Jesus.
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169. Turn that thing
to the exterior cameras.
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170. Oh, right.
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171. Oh, my God.
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172. A Dri'n attack barge.
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173. Which means...
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174. Boarding party.
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175. And there ain't no party
like a boarding party
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176. 'cause a boarding party
don't stop.
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177. Well, until these
monstrous bastards
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178. have slaked their thirst
for blood.
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179. And let me tell you,
these little devils
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180. are just parched.
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181. I know, right?
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182. Barry-6, out.
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183. Wh-what do we do?
What do we do?
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184. Well, the first thing
we've gotta do...
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185. And I'm sure
we can all agree on this...
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186. Is declare a mistrial.
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187. Come on, man.
What's taking so long?
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188. "Space metal"?
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189. Think about how dumb
that sounds.
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190. Now, come on, let's
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191. peel this banana and...
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192. Take a bite.
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193. I mean, before
they all get away
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194. in an escape pod,
of course.
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195. Cyril!
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196. - Lana...
- You are not...
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197. - I'm serious.
- Abandoning ship.
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198. - Do not make me hit you.
- Excuse me?
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199. No, I...
I didn't mean that.
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200. - Whoa!
- Ow!
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201. Serves you right!
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202. Trying to cut the line
like that!
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203. What...
No one is abandoning ship!
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204. We're gonna stay here
and fight!
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205. I really don't think
we should.
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206. Yeah,
good luck with that.
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207. Meaning?
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208. Meaning those freaksare
literally gonna
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209. - chew you up and spit you out.
- Well...
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210. Or not spit you out.
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211. I don't know about pirate
dining etiquette,
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212. but definitely
the chewing up part.
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213. Well, nobody asked you,
since last I checked,
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214. you're a goddamn mutineer.
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215. Well, the last I checked... and
I'm not being facetious...
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216. - Nice sweater dress.
- What?
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217. - Sweater dress?
- What?
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218. So you think maybe
you arecrazy?
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219. I'm crazy?
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220. - I mean...
- She's crazy if she thinks
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221. she can fight off
an entire barge
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222. full of murderous
Dri'n pirateswithout me.
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223. - Uh, first of all...
- Hull breach.
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224. - Oh, no.
- Oh, that's no good.
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225. Talk about crazy, huh?
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226. Whoo! Now,
that's what I calla nice gash.
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227. No, we're not doing
space phrasing.
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228. Uh, because it's derivative.
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229. - And also because I said so.
- Hull breach.
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230. I'm the only chance
you've got.
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231. He's right,
you know.
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232. Yeah, you gotta let him go.
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233. That, or let us
in that damn pod!
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234. - I vote pod.
- Cyril!
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235. And, I'm sorry,
have we all forgotten
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236. he basically
sexually assaulted me
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237. with a rolled-up magazine?
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238. - No.
- That's evidence.
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239. You're evidence!
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240. And there was nothing
sexual about it.
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241. I don't know.
I thought it was pretty sexy.
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242. On opposite day!
Gross, you guys!
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243. Goddamn.
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244. Lana, I'm sorry
I attacked you.
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245. I honestly don't know
what got into me.
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246. And when this is over,
you can punish me
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247. - however you see fit.
- It's
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248. - howmever.
- Shut up!
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249. But this calls for
some serious swash buckling,
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250. and no one else can buckle
swashes like me, so...
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251. Xenomorphs detected.
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252. - Oh, no!
- Your call.
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253. Xenomorphs detected.
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254. Xenomorphs detected.
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255. You're damn right,
they are.
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256. Get some!
Yeah.
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257. Be a hitter, big un.
And have fun out there.
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258. Oh, hey, and, uh,
if anyone finds Archer,
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259. remember,
he's all mine.
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260. Okay, so Mother...
Here you go...
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261. Is gonna lure them
into the holodeck.
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262. - Why?
- Well, for one thing,
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263. because shut up.
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264. But remember...
Here you go...
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265. If we have to fall back...
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266. And we can probably
go ahead and make that
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267. "when we fall back"...
Here, take some of these...
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268. Fall back to the escape pod.
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269. The pod is the Alamo.
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270. If we're just gonna
go back there,
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271. why'd we leave
in the first place?
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272. Because the goal isn't
to run away so fast,
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273. it makes
your vagina flap.
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274. Plus, all the guns
are in here.
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275. Not all of them.
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276. You got
the sentry guns online?
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277. - Yep, yep, yep.
- Okay.
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278. Here we go!
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279. A and B guns firing.
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280. Wait, wait, wait. At what?
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281. What?
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282. - 80, 60...
- What the shit, Krieger?
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283. 40.
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284. That's it.
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285. Then what was the point?
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286. Mm-mm-mm.
Director's cut?
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287. - Ugh.
- Right?
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288. Wait, what?
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289. Uh, did they even hit anybody?
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290. So then just totally pointless.
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291. Unless you lean on them,
you big dummy.
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292. - Okay, Mother...
- Archer!
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293. - That's your cue.
- And just how exactly
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294. am I supposed
to lure those creeps
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295. to the holodeck without
getting myself killed?
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296. Oh, right, right,
right, right, right.
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297. Duh.
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298. The rest of you,
follow me.
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299. Move, Cyril.
I want to hear it flap.
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300. Come on, Archer.
You can run, but...
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301. Well, I guess you can hide,
obviously.
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302. But stop doing it
is what I'm saying.
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303. Who's up for some
bopping and booping?
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304. I'll bop your boop,
you little...
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305. Why would it be a ruse?
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306. Come on, you mother humpers.
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307. Jeezy Petes,
you really arecrazy!
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308. We're sitting ducks.
There's no cover.
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309. Jesus Christ, do you nerds
really never come down here?
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310. - Oh!
- This is incredible!
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311. I know, right?
Plus, upstairs,
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312. there's a bunch of
hologram whores giving out
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313. old-timey
50-cent blow jobs.
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314. Wait, what makes them
old-timey?
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315. Uh, they're 50 cents?
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316. Hoooo, Mikey Mike!
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317. Whoa!
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318. Is now the best timefor that?
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319. A lot better
than it's about to be.
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320. How many are there?
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321. Scores.
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322. Like, literally scores or...
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323. Cyril, get your shittogether.
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324. Now, listen, you gotta let
'emcome into our killing zone.
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325. Don't just start blasting
away
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326. the second you... - -
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327. Suppressing fire!
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328. Whoo!
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329. - Goddamn, dude.
- Seriously.
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330. You shot all my guys.
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331. Oh, for... way to go, Cyril.
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332. - What?
- "What?"
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333. I'm supposed to be the hero.
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334. - Doing what?
- Seriously, Archer?
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335. - Wow.
- Well?
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336. That is pathetic.
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337. So are sweater vests.
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338. - Huh?
- What's a sweater vest?
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339. Hey, asshole,
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340. you really wanna be
the hero?
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341. I mean...
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342. Then let's just
you and me play.
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343. Danger.
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344. The self-destruct system
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345. is now activated.
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346. Why do we even have that?
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347. What?
How?
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348. Because
the password was...
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349. - "guest."
- Told you.
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350. Detonation in two minutes.
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351. - What?
- Two? No.
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352. I thought I set it for 20.
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353. - Krieger, can you override it?
- Um...
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354. Krieger cannot override it.
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355. - No.
- What do we do? What do we do?
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356. Well, if you hustle,
I bet you can just make it
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357. to the...
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358. Escape pod.
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359. - Come on, everybody. Move it!
- Let's go!
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360. All except you, Archer.
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361. They go.
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362. You stay.
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363. What? No.
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364. Sterling, no!
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365. Mother, it's okay.
You go.
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366. I need to stay here
for a while.
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367. Archer...
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368. Detonation in
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369. 90 seconds.
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370. Go!
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371. Son of a...
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372. Come on.
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373. No, no, no, no, no, no!
Sterling!
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374. Moms, huh?
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375. So you're willing to die
just to make sure I do?
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376. - Yep.
- Why?
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377. Because, Archer,
a long time ago
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378. in a galaxy far, far away,
you put your nasty dick
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379. in my fiancée's butthole.
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380. Wait, wait, wait, that...
That's what this is about?
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381. - Oh, yes.
- Uh, what was her name?
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382. - Simone?
- Framboise!
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383. Detonation in
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384. - 60 seconds.
- Jesus Christ.
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385. Well, if it's any consolation,
Barry,
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386. I can't even remember
what she looks li...
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387. - Go, go, go, go, go!
- But wait!
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388. - Couldn't we...
- Malory, we need to move.
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389. - We've only got...
- Detonation in
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390. 30 seconds.
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391. - That.
- No, no, no, wait!
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392. Wait.
Just wait a second.
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393. - Wait.
- What?
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394. Chicken butt.
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395. Chicken butt, Barry!
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396. Detonation in 15 seconds.
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397. Escape pod launched.
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398. Yes!
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399. They're safe, Barry.
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400. Detonation in ten...
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401. - Are they?
- Nine...
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402. - What?
- Eight...
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403. - Are they safe?
- Seven...
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404. - Yes.
- Six...
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405. So you're the big man, huh?
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406. - Five...
- Yes, Barry, I am.
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407. - Four...
- I'm huge.
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408. - Three...
- Not what Framboise said.
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409. - Two...
- Oh, really?
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410. - Because...
- One.
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411. Shit, I had something for...
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412. Ignition.
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413. Ramp-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ge!
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414. Ugh.
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415. Sterling Malory Archer.
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416. Code name Duchess.
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417. So here's the thing.
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418. I need to access
my operations account,
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419. and you're preventing that.
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420. Now, we can do this easy,
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421. or we can do it hard.
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422. The thought of me
dead gives you an erection?
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423. Jesus Christ!
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424. Your call.
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425. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
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426. Drink, drink,
drink, drink!
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427. Ow! Ow!
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428. Bawk! Bawk!
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429. - Archer!
- I'm coming!
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430. Phrasing, boom!
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431. Okay, let's try that a...
Oh, shit!
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432. Survey says...
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433. Don't try to doanything stupid.
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434. I don't have to try.
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435. I'll show you who's boss.
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436. How do you like that?
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437. Hey, asshole!
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438. Lana.
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439. Lana.
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440. Lana!
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441. Lanaaaaaaaa!
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442. What?
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443. Sterling Archer,
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444. I'd like you to meet your daughter,
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445. Abbiejean.
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446. Why is that
who named like me?
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447. Because he's your son,
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448. you colossal idiot.
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449. Until you can look
at your mother
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450. and see her
not just as your mother
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451. but as a person...
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452. When have I everbeen
honest with Sterling?
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453. You can't grow up.
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454. Honey, you still got it.
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455. Pretty much
my whole life,
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456. my default setting
has been half-ass.
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457. Whoo-who cares?
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458. Imagine as I literally
beat you to death
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459. that a giant hand
has turned my dial
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460. from half-ass
to quadruple-ass.
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461. Oh, booyakasha!
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462. I've been shot, stabbed,
set on fire, poisoned, shot,
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463. sexually assaulted,
partially chewed,
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464. shot,
and declared legally dead
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465. twice on the same day.
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466. Think you might have
a problem.
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467. Yeah, Lana,
it's called cancer.
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468. Archer?
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469. - Are you...
- The man who cheated death?
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470. I might be immortal.
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471. Archer!
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472. This close.
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473. Goddamn Barry.
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474. - Mother?
- Sterling?
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475. W-w-wait, what are you...
What are you...
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476. I... I...
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477. I know you didn't
just break
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478. another glass in here,
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479. because if I told you once,
I told you...
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480. My Lord Jesus!
God!
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481. Gladys!
He's awake!
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482. - He's awake!
- Yeah, um, duh.
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483. Wh-why am I in a hospital?
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484. You were shot
by a crazy woman.
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485. Just like Eddie Waitkus!
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486. - Who?
- Don't get him started.
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487. Oh, man.
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488. For a second there,
I thought maybe the booze
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489. had caught up with me.
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490. Ooh, speaking of...
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491. - With me standing right here?
- He's gonna need it.
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492. Wait, why?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
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493. H-how long have I been here?
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494. - Mother?
- Sterling-
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495. - Mother, how long
have I been here?
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496. - Three years.
- What?
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497. No.
Three...
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498. Wait, not... no.
No, no, no.
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499. Y-you want me to call
Dr. Gorenstein?
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500. Oh, please.
You think he could be bothered?
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501. At midnight on a Sunday?
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502. Plus, what would
his mistress say?
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503. So bad.
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504. Wait, why are you here
at midnight on a Sunday?
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505. Well, I, um...
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506. She's always here.
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507. Oh, now, not always.
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508. Let me get you
some ice chips.
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509. For three years?
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510. I wanted to be here
when you woke up.
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511. Okay, so, like,
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512. wh-wh-what about Lana?
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513. - Lana?
- Hey, wait, do I have a kid?
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514. There's plenty of time to
talk about all of that.
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515. The important thingis that
you're back
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516. and we're together.
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517. Um, uh, okay.
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518. After all, the real story's
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519. always been
about you and me.
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520. What are you...
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521. Which, when you think about it,
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522. at its heart,
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523. it's really a love story.
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524. Please, Mother,
don't say that.
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525. It's true.
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526. Ugh!
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527. Corrections done by srjanapala
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528. Made in Georgia.
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