1. So, again,
I just want it on recordCopy !req
2. I'm 100% against this.Copy !req
3. Aw, you're 100%
against everything cool.Copy !req
4. No, I'm not. Shut up.Copy !req
5. - Like what?
- Um, Ranch Tub.Copy !req
6. - Oh, for the...
- Come on, man.Copy !req
7. Everybody was against Ranch Tub!Copy !req
8. Seriously, Pam, quit trying
to make Ranch Tub happen.Copy !req
9. Do I even want to know
what that is?Copy !req
10. Only if you never
want to eat ranch again.Copy !req
11. - I meant ranch.
- What?Copy !req
12. - That's a food?
- It's not important.Copy !req
13. - I wouldn't go that far.
- Can we please...Copy !req
14. - Cyril, shut up.
- Seriously.Copy !req
15. Come on, if we're gonna
do this, let's do it already.Copy !req
16. We're sitting ducks
with you two out there.Copy !req
17. - Well, whose fault is that?
- What? Yours!Copy !req
18. You made us stop on the way
to Earth for the damn thing.Copy !req
19. Exactly, and everybody remember
that when it's time to divvy it up.Copy !req
20. Do you think
it's worth anything?Copy !req
21. Hmm, hard to say.Copy !req
22. I've never seen anything like it.Copy !req
23. So you just jam it
with my new pen?Copy !req
24. - This is new, this pen right here?
- Yes, as a matter...Copy !req
25. - You know...
- Ooh. Maybe it's ambergris.Copy !req
26. How could it be ambergris?Copy !req
27. - If a whale puked it up, duh.
- Oh, a space whale?Copy !req
28. I don't know all the types of whale!Copy !req
29. And yet somehow you know
about ambergr...Copy !req
30. - Oh, maybe its mithril!
- Is that some other food?Copy !req
31. No! And it's not mithril.Copy !req
32. - Just checking.
- Whatever the hell it is,Copy !req
33. just box it up and let's go already!Copy !req
34. All right! Jesus!
So what do you think, Cyril?Copy !req
35. - About what?
- Is it firm enough to shove in the box?Copy !req
36. Nobody?Copy !req
37. What, like "space phrasing"?Copy !req
38. No. Never mind.Copy !req
39. 10x08 - CubertCopy !req
40. And radiation levels are...Copy !req
41. normal... across the spectrum.Copy !req
42. Well, keep testing.
Radiation's just one danger.Copy !req
43. That thing could be carrying
deadly bacteriaCopy !req
44. - or some kind of virus.
- First of all...Copy !req
45. Bacteria and virus
are the same thing, dummy.Copy !req
46. - No, they're not.
- Shut up. Krieger?Copy !req
47. - They are not.
- Oh, well, what am I thinking of?Copy !req
48. Space whores, presumably.Copy !req
49. Well, right then, I was, but...Copy !req
50. Hey, nobody gets out of there
until I'm sure that thing'sCopy !req
51. not a hazard to the ship, so
the longer you dick around,Copy !req
52. the longer you're gonna stay
in quarantine.Copy !req
53. - Any questions?
- What the...Copy !req
54. Yeah, are you doinks done yet?Copy !req
55. 'Cause I wanna check
that crazy thing out.Copy !req
56. - Pam!
- What?Copy !req
57. You just broke quarantine, dumb-ass.Copy !req
58. So if there's anything deadly on it,
now the entire ship's infected.Copy !req
59. Yeah, but you wouldn't have been.Copy !req
60. - What?
- Helmet, genius.Copy !req
61. God damn it.Copy !req
62. I'm gonna call him Cubert!Copy !req
63. Okay, that was the last test.Copy !req
64. And I can confidently say that
the object poses no nuclear,Copy !req
65. chemical, or biological
threat to the ship or crew.Copy !req
66. Not that we could've
done anything about it if it did,Copy !req
67. - thanks to Pam.
- You are welcome.Copy !req
68. Hey, can we take a second?
Isn't it crazy that that little scannerCopy !req
69. can do all those
wildly different tests?Copy !req
70. - I mean, come on.
- Yeah, pretty great.Copy !req
71. Yes, hooray for everything.
Now, what's it worth?Copy !req
72. Well, that, I can't say.Copy !req
73. I don't even know
what elements it's made of...Copy !req
74. Assuming
they're even known to us.Copy !req
75. - I'll have to do many more tests to...
- Ooh, here's a test.Copy !req
76. - Cut the damn thing open and...
- Whoa, hey!Copy !req
77. - Cool!
- Holy shit! It's magnetic!Copy !req
78. No, I don't think so.
There's metal all overCopy !req
79. - the place in here, so...
- Oh, my God! Our fillings!Copy !req
80. What are you talking about?Copy !req
81. A, fillings are nonferrous, so...Copy !req
82. So...Copy !req
83. - So even if it were magnetic...
- It's not gonna eat your damn fillings.Copy !req
84. - But I don't think it is a magnet. See?
- Well, then how...Copy !req
85. Okay, um, pick up another scalpel.Copy !req
86. - And?
- Huh. Well, I had a theory...Copy !req
87. - Damn it, woman! If you don't...
- Ah!Copy !req
88. Oh, shit.Copy !req
89. That it was reacting to a weapon.Copy !req
90. Then let's kill it!
Kill it!Copy !req
91. Kill it before...Copy !req
92. - Whoa!
- Aah!Copy !req
93. - Oh, shit.
- Uh...Copy !req
94. Hmm, or maybe just aggression.Copy !req
95. - What?
- Huh.Copy !req
96. Come on, you're saying
it can read our emotions?Copy !req
97. I'm not saying anything... yet.Copy !req
98. - How 'bout now?
- Oh, no.Copy !req
99. Sorry, need to do a whole big
series of tests before I can...Copy !req
100. - Huh, still interrupting.
- Typical.Copy !req
101. But we should probably... uh...Copy !req
102. Carol, come on.
Let's get out of there.Copy !req
103. Wow, that's...Copy !req
104. - Somebody give me a hand here.
- I can help.Copy !req
105. Somebody strong.Copy !req
106. Ready?Copy !req
107. I mean... I mean,
that's crazy, right?Copy !req
108. All right, Jesus.
I'm doing it.Copy !req
109. - Okay, Pam, you're up.
- Mm-kay.Copy !req
110. One, two, three, go.Copy !req
111. Son of a... Go!Copy !req
112. I just thought of something.Copy !req
113. Oh, my God,
if you say "Ranch Tub"...Copy !req
114. No, shut up.
Look, I can bench, like, 500 kilos,Copy !req
115. - so I can keep pulling on her, but...
- Eventually something's gotta give.Copy !req
116. Like her birdy little neck bones.
Because whatever this thing is,Copy !req
117. I mean, it's obviously supernatural.Copy !req
118. Well, since when is it supernatural?Copy !req
119. - Well, it's not a magnet.
- Oh, come on.Copy !req
120. So those are our only two options,
ghosts or magnets?Copy !req
121. - I mean...
- Oh, come on.Copy !req
122. This is just some bullshit of yours
to put off going back to Earth.Copy !req
123. What?
So, what, Lana, I conjured upCopy !req
124. some kind of...
telepathic ghost cube?Copy !req
125. I didn't say you
conjured it up, dickwrap.Copy !req
126. I said that...Copy !req
127. Huh.Copy !req
128. Well, I hope you're all...Copy !req
129. Jeezy Petes.Copy !req
130. - Happy.
- Is she breathing?Copy !req
131. - No.
- So she's...Copy !req
132. - I mean...
- Oh! If only we had accessCopy !req
133. to some sort of device
which could tell us!Copy !req
134. - Krieger!
- What's that?Copy !req
135. Oh, right, the scanner!
Doy.Copy !req
136. Hang on, let me reset it for...Copy !req
137. Ah, Jesus!Copy !req
138. Are you okay?Copy !req
139. - I think so.
- What was it like?Copy !req
140. - What did you see?
- I don't know. It...Copy !req
141. I can't explain it.Copy !req
142. - Oh, my God!
- What?Copy !req
143. - I just remembered.
- Remembered what?Copy !req
144. I don't even have fillings.Copy !req
145. So that whole time
you're in there,Copy !req
146. you didn't see anything?Copy !req
147. No, I mean, it's hard to explain.Copy !req
148. It was kind of like I was...
nothing... and everything?Copy !req
149. If that makes any sense.Copy !req
150. About as much as what normally
comes out of your mouth.Copy !req
151. - And speaking of your mouth...
- What about it?Copy !req
152. - You're really packing it away there.
- Um, I'm hungry. Sue me.Copy !req
153. I will if it turns out you ate all
the priceless filling out of that cube.Copy !req
154. Oh, my God.Copy !req
155. What?Copy !req
156. - Pointless.
- You really think it's worth something?Copy !req
157. It's gotta be,
I mean, to somebody.Copy !req
158. And whom might that somebody be?Copy !req
159. Well, obviously we need
to do some market research,Copy !req
160. - but it's...
- It's gone.Copy !req
161. - What?
- Wait, what?Copy !req
162. Gone?Copy !req
163. - What are you doing?
- What's the matter?Copy !req
164. Hey, the food ain't that bad, baby.Copy !req
165. What's wrong?
Are you choking?Copy !req
166. - Typical.
- W-w-w-what's the matter?Copy !req
167. - This is serious.
- Get a spoon in her!Copy !req
168. Space phrasing!Copy !req
169. - No.
- Plus, that's a collectible!Copy !req
170. Get that spoon in her!Copy !req
171. I'm trying.Copy !req
172. - Oh, God.
- Ugh!Copy !req
173. - Gross.
- What the shit with the spoon?Copy !req
174. - I...
- We thought you were...Copy !req
175. What, "She's choking, so let's shove
a goddamn spoon down her throat"?Copy !req
176. - Yeah, Cyril.
- Hey, you know what?Copy !req
177. I know the stupid cube is gone.Copy !req
178. - Yeah.
- Yeah, what happened?Copy !req
179. - Yeah, what the shit, Krieger?
- It was right here on...Copy !req
180. well, six inches above the table.Copy !req
181. I needed some more
sterilizing wipes, so I...Copy !req
182. Why would you need sterilizing wipes?Copy !req
183. - I...
- Oh, Krieger, buddy.Copy !req
184. Please tell me you didn't try
to have sex with the ghost cube.Copy !req
185. - Krieger!
- That's nasty, Krieger!Copy !req
186. - Ew!
- No, of course I didn't.Copy !req
187. We can check the security footage.Copy !req
188. There isn't any.
The camera was off.Copy !req
189. - Oh, how convenient.
- I did not have sex with the cube.Copy !req
190. - Because first of all, with what?
- Oh, okay, okay.Copy !req
191. You wanna make your stupid
little Ken Doll jokes?Copy !req
192. Would they be warranted?Copy !req
193. - I...
- Focus, people.Copy !req
194. There's a million credits'
worth of ghost cube missing.Copy !req
195. What happened, Ken?Copy !req
196. As I was saying...Copy !req
197. I needed more sterilizing wipes.Copy !req
198. I need more sterilizing wipes.Copy !req
199. So I walked out the door,
and after it closed behind m,Copy !req
200. I keyed in the alphanumeric
code to lock it.Copy !req
201. I walked down to the supply room,Copy !req
202. got the wipes,
and walked back.Copy !req
203. I keyed in the code to unlock
the aforementioned door.Copy !req
204. I walked in...Copy !req
205. What the...Copy !req
206. The cube was gone.Copy !req
207. So obviously one of you took it.Copy !req
208. - No, we did not!
- That's bullshit.Copy !req
209. Nobody took your new girlfriend.Copy !req
210. Yeah, plus, we were all
together in the mess, so...Copy !req
211. - So how did it leave a locked room?
- Plenty of ways. Here, hold this.Copy !req
212. All right, let's go find that thing.
And let's all split up.Copy !req
213. We can cover a lot more ground
that way.Copy !req
214. So individually go bumbling
around this big ole spaceshipCopy !req
215. looking for a ghost.Copy !req
216. To bumble or not is up to you,Copy !req
217. but whoever finds it gets to keep it.Copy !req
218. - Wait, what?
- Findies keepies!Copy !req
219. - Wait a minute, what?
- Huh?Copy !req
220. - Out of my way!
- No, no, no, no!Copy !req
221. Get out of my way! No!Copy !req
222. And bumble it is.Copy !req
223. - Get out of my way, meathead.
- I saw it first!Copy !req
224. Wait a minute.Copy !req
225. Now, look, before you all
go running off half-cocked...Copy !req
226. Krieger, we don't have time
to pile on youCopy !req
227. - with a bunch of no-dick jokes.
- I knew it right when I said it.Copy !req
228. - I call bridge!
- Well, I'm coming with you.Copy !req
229. - No, you're not.
- Uh... well, then I-I get the crew quarters.Copy !req
230. You better not go in my boudoir!Copy !req
231. Okay, I call dibs on the... aah!Copy !req
232. - Dibs on them ribs, sucka!
- Oh, holy shit. That really hurt.Copy !req
233. Well, if you think that hurt...Copy !req
234. That's disconcerting.Copy !req
235. - Yeah, ya think?
- Yes.Copy !req
236. I said no, God damn it!Copy !req
237. - Get out!
- Hey!Copy !req
238. I won't have you manhandling
my beautiful things.Copy !req
239. Well, how do I know it's not in there?Copy !req
240. - Because we said so.
- Who's "we"?Copy !req
241. Is that supposed to be funny?Copy !req
242. Hope it was his dick.Copy !req
243. - Right in the foot!
- Eh.Copy !req
244. - Any luck?
- No, Lana. And this is my area, so...Copy !req
245. So...Copy !req
246. So... so talk
about space whores, huh?Copy !req
247. - Excuse me?
- I, um...Copy !req
248. Uh, nothing.
Uh, ne... never mind.Copy !req
249. - I'll never your mind.
- Um, airball.Copy !req
250. - I'll... air your balls.
- Yeah, yeah, you will.Copy !req
251. God damn it!Copy !req
252. Holy shit,
I think I'm seeing things.Copy !req
253. I maybe need to get
some sleep, huh?Copy !req
254. Or at least my balls aired out.Copy !req
255. Yeah, right?Copy !req
256. - Hey.
- Who the hell are you, man?Copy !req
257. What are you...
I'm TV's Michael Gray.Copy !req
258. TV's Michael Gray who?Copy !req
259. Uh, TV's Michael GrayCopy !req
260. says quit being a dick
and open the door?Copy !req
261. Seriously, quit being a dick.Copy !req
262. Okay, um, h-hang on.Copy !req
263. Okay, on three. Ready?Copy !req
264. - Can we not do it on one?
- Shut up, okay.Copy !req
265. One... two!Copy !req
266. Disconcerting.Copy !req
267. Michael.Copy !req
268. TV's Michael Gray.Copy !req
269. Mikey-Mike, where are you?Copy !req
270. Who the hell's Mikey-Mike?Copy !req
271. Exactly, that's what I'm...Copy !req
272. 'Cause you think he'd like
some of this?Copy !req
273. What? No.Copy !req
274. Stop that.
What... what are you doing?Copy !req
275. I'm hungry. Sue me.Copy !req
276. And then get up to the bridge.Copy !req
277. Her Lanaship has
some big announcement.Copy !req
278. - Whoa, what, did somebody find it?
- Find what?Copy !req
279. What cube?Copy !req
280. Mother, I am extremely not in the
mood, so seriously, where is it?Copy !req
281. You mean like an ice cube
or something in a Rubik...Copy !req
282. - Quit dicking around already!
- Hey, whoa.Copy !req
283. I'm talking about the mysterious
and possibly haunted ghost cubeCopy !req
284. - that Carol got her head stuck in.
- I think I'd remember that.Copy !req
285. And I'd be the first one to believeCopy !req
286. she got her head
stuck in something.Copy !req
287. - Thank you.
- But you are just sounding insane.Copy !req
288. You sound insane!
All of you!Copy !req
289. Oh, oh, and I all know
what you're trying to do.Copy !req
290. You wanna
maybe walk us through that?Copy !req
291. Oh, my God.
I know somebody found the cubeCopy !req
292. - and that it's findies keepies.
- You mean finders keepers.Copy !req
293. But don't stand there and lie to me!Copy !req
294. - Nobody's...
- Plus, you dressingCopy !req
295. - like a whore?
- Excuse me?Copy !req
296. - And how is Cyril's foot okay?
- Uh, what, now?Copy !req
297. You got shot in the foot, asshole.Copy !req
298. And, oh, my God,
TV's Michael Gray?Copy !req
299. - TV's Michael who?
- Huh?Copy !req
300. All right. I don't know
if you got in the meds lockerCopy !req
301. or if this is just the onset
of tertiary syphilis, but...Copy !req
302. - He better not have syphilis.
- Why had he better not have syphilis?Copy !req
303. I... wh...
because syphilis is bad, dude.Copy !req
304. Listen to me, God damn it!Copy !req
305. - Oh!
- Easy!Copy !req
306. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
- And speaking of meds,Copy !req
307. don't you think you could use
a bit of a... relaxer?Copy !req
308. - No!
- Oh, now... Krieger, don't you haveCopy !req
309. - something to take the edge off?
- As a matter of fact...Copy !req
310. You and your pills keep
away from me, you...Copy !req
311. you dickless fish!Copy !req
312. - Wha...
- He's got a gun!Copy !req
313. Sterling!
Sterling, look at me.Copy !req
314. Now, I don't know what's wrong,Copy !req
315. but I promise you,
whatever it is, we'll fix it.Copy !req
316. But first you have to trust us.Copy !req
317. - Oh, no.
- Suit yourself.Copy !req
318. - Krieger?
- Yep, yep, yep!Copy !req
319. No, no, no, no...Copy !req
320. You dick.Copy !req
321. Jesus!Copy !req
322. All right. Krieger,
take him down to the med labCopy !req
323. and try to find out what in
the hell's the matter with him.Copy !req
324. Him? What about me?Copy !req
325. - We know what's wrong with you.
- Yeah, foot hole.Copy !req
326. - Well?
- Well, it's really kind of weird.Copy !req
327. Uh, no shit.Copy !req
328. The scanner shows normal vitals
and doesn't show anythingCopy !req
329. physically or neurologically unusual.Copy !req
330. No drugs in his system and...Copy !req
331. just what I assume is
a therapeutic level of bourbon.Copy !req
332. - And... no syphilis?
- No venereal disease of any kind.Copy !req
333. Or judgment, by the way.Copy !req
334. - Don't care.
- Eh.Copy !req
335. - How does that thing know all that?
- I know. Pretty great.Copy !req
336. All right, keep scanning or whatever,
and keep him down hereCopy !req
337. until you find out
what's wrong with him.Copy !req
338. My therapeutic levels are low.Copy !req
339. And I could actually use
some sterilizing wipes.Copy !req
340. - I'll bet. Keep an eye on him?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
341. Uh... hello?Copy !req
342. Is there a reason you locked
the door from the outside?Copy !req
343. Krieger? Hello?Copy !req
344. - Super.
- Is it?Copy !req
345. Oh!
Jesus Christ, Archer!Copy !req
346. What are you doing?
You scared the shit out of me!Copy !req
347. - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Well...Copy !req
348. what'd ya expect, nerfnuts?Copy !req
349. It's alcohol. It's gonna hurt.Copy !req
350. - Well, if you think that hurt...
- Yes! Yes, I do think it hurt!Copy !req
351. You'd better not be wasting that.Copy !req
352. Um, guess it kind of depends
on how you mean.Copy !req
353. I mean, we've really only got
two options here, Lana.Copy !req
354. One is that this is all
some sort of ruse,Copy !req
355. and the other is
that I'm crazy.Copy !req
356. - You're kind of acting crazy.
- I don't think I'm acting crazy.Copy !req
357. - That's kind of one of the symptoms.
- Ah, the old catch-21.Copy !req
358. 21, 22, whatever it takes.Copy !req
359. Ow! Shit!Copy !req
360. Jesus Christ, you are crazy!Copy !req
361. Yeah?
Would a crazy person do this?Copy !req
362. No, no, no, no, wait!Copy !req
363. Yes...Copy !req
364. - No, no, no, no, no, no!
- Hey, what the...Copy !req
365. Emergency. Med lab.Copy !req
366. - What emergency?
- Well, it has been almost a minuteCopy !req
367. - since Archer got some attention.
- You're just a mess.Copy !req
368. - Holy shit! Look!
- Oh, my God! Come on!Copy !req
369. Come on, come on,
come on, come on!Copy !req
370. Argh!Copy !req
371. Come on, come on,
come on, come on,Copy !req
372. come on, come on,
come on, come on!Copy !req
373. - Why the hell is it so long?
- Space phrasing.Copy !req
374. - That's just how it comes!
- Twofer.Copy !req
375. Oh, my God,
just reset it, Dr. Science!Copy !req
376. Will you shut up?Copy !req
377. If I mess up,
I have to start all over again!Copy !req
378. Sterling, stop!
Do you hear me?Copy !req
379. Stop it this instant!Copy !req
380. What are you doing?Copy !req
381. My frickin' tit!Copy !req
382. - Sterling!
- A Tennessee titty twister?Copy !req
383. Whoa!Copy !req
384. Well, how do ya like these titties?Copy !req
385. - Lana? Are you all right?
- I...Copy !req
386. I think so.Copy !req
387. - Ugh, my magazine's not.
- Shut up. And, Pam, Gillette...Copy !req
388. throw his ass in the brig!Copy !req
389. Yeah, well...
I guess we'll see about that!Copy !req
390. Huh?
Pfff. The brig.Copy !req
391. Like, where do they get off?Copy !req
392. They're the ones running around
changing clothesCopy !req
393. and shooting people in the neck
with dartsCopy !req
394. and... eating
perfectly good magazines.Copy !req
395. You know?
I mean, that's crazy.Copy !req
396. I mean, right?Copy !req
397. - Yes, sir.
- Yeah. Thank you. Mmm.Copy !req
398. God, that's good.Copy !req
399. Wait, are... are... are you
supposed to be here?Copy !req
400. - No, sir.
- Huh. Now, that's disconcerting.Copy !req
401. Yes, sir.Copy !req