1. FXX presents
Archer 1999.
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2. Ugh, I'm tired
of being out here.
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3. I wanna go home.
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4. Eww, Earth?
In space we can do whatever
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5. the hell we want with
basically no responsibilities.
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6. Kind of my point.
Maybe I'm ready to start
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7. having a real life instead
of being stuck here with your ass.
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8. Shh, my ass might hear you,
and it's very sensitive.
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9. - Of course, you know that.
- Not engaging.
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10. I'm just saying, maybe
it's time to hang this all up and...
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11. Ugh, is this about
your aching uterus again?
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12. Okay, who said anything
about...
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13. Well, we haven't talked
about settling down but...
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14. - Nope.
- Key word "settling."
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15. I'm down with going to Earth.
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16. I could use some fresh faces
to bang.
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17. And our bar stock is so low,
I may have to resort to beer.
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18. Has everyone gone crazy?
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19. We're on the final frontier
and you want to go back
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20. to doing day jobs
and gravity-laden sex?
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21. - Not my first preference.
- I vote with Archer.
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22. - Robots don't get a vote.
- I prefer "synthetic human."
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23. No one gets to vote.
I'm the captain.
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24. Co-captain.
And as the other co-captain,
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25. I am setting a course
for Earth.
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26. No, Lana, I will not let you
hyperspace us to Boring-town.
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27. What the... ow!
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28. Holy spacesnacks!
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29. It's a Dri'n
battle cruiser.
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30. And somehow
it hasn't noticed us.
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31. No, we're too close
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32. for its long-range scanners
to pick us up.
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33. Great, let's just loop
around this bad boy
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34. and hyperspace somewhere
that is not Earth.
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35. If we can destroy it,
we will
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36. cripple pirate activity
in this sector.
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37. Who cares?
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38. And collect a
30 million credit bounty
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39. - for taking it out.
- As I was saying,
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40. who cares about combatting
space piracy more than me?
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41. Exactly.
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42. The very reasonable reward
is just icing on the cake.
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43. Guys, as captain
of this ship...
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44. Co-captain.
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45. I am making
an executive decision.
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46. We're taking out
that Dri'n bastard.
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47. Like I already
executively decided.
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48. Hands in.
"Space cowboys" on three.
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49. One, two...
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50. What the hell are you doing?
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51. Okay, here's the plan:
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52. After we board the ship,
knock out a couple
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53. of Dri'n guards, and then...
You'll love this...
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54. - Put on their clothes...
- Not to be a buzzkill,
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55. but you think there'll reallybe
a plus-sized pirate on board?
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56. - Ugh, this is a horrible plan.
- I'm not finished.
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57. Pam, you'll be our "prisoner."
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58. - Sweet!
- Lucky.
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59. - Still a horrible plan.
- Let me finish!
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60. We'll infiltrate the ship
disguised as Dri'n guards.
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61. That's it.
That's the whole plan.
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62. This is not a plan.
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63. This is the plot
of several famous films.
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64. Well, why do you think
they're famous, Lana?
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65. We'll need Ray
to get us some explosives.
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66. He's taking a sick day.
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67. - Of course he is.
- We get those?
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68. It's a miracle we don't
crash into the sun
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69. with all you Sick Day Cyrils
and Personal Day Pams.
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70. It is a pretty generous
package if you use it right.
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71. - Space phrasing.
- Well,
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72. where am I supposed
to get explosives?
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73. "Thermite" be something
I can do to help.
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74. Referencing
thermite explosives.
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75. I did not enjoy that.
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76. Does this thing havean
off switch?
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77. Aww, I have feelings.
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78. Volume control?
Anything?
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79. Then we'll plant the thermite
all over the ship
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80. and hola explosivo.
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81. - I'm confused.
- It's Spanish, Pam.
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82. No, how will we get the
"Seamus" out of here
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83. without us pinging
their scanners?
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84. That's where Cyril
and Carol come in.
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85. You two will disable
the radar system on board.
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86. - Whoo-hoo!
- Please don't.
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87. I can disable
the radar system!
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88. Can you disable yourself?
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89. Beep, bop, boop.
Ya burnt.
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90. Why not Krieger?
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91. I mean, he's qualified
even if he is a replicant.
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92. Thank you, Lana,
but I like to think
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93. I'm more of a Repli-can.
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94. No bots.
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95. Mother, you stay
and run comms.
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96. Stay here?
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97. With the liquor?
Well, if you insist.
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98. Space cowboys, let's ride!
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99. Would you stop trying
to make "space cowboys" stick?
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100. It isn't.
Fine, Lana.
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101. You stay here and
be the world-weary
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102. space saloon/brothel madam.
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103. I wanna be
a brothel madam!
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104. Ooh, I...
I could be the banker
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105. and wear one of those
green visors.
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106. Everybody stop
making this stick!
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107. And if anything,
I would be co-sheriff.
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108. That's not a thing.
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109. The whole thing's
not a thing!
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110. Whoa, space cowboys.
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111. - What is it now, Krieger?
- I've got helpful gadgets!
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112. Like these voice changers!
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113. The Dri'n tongue is a beast,
you know.
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114. Fine, but honestly, Krieger,
this is all a little thirsty.
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115. - Like Lana's ovaries.
- Not engaging.
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116. Doesn't someone need
to be proposing
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117. before you're engaging?
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118. Not en...
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119. She totally
disarmed your phrase.
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120. So what's our plan
when these shitty
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121. voice changers
don't work?
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122. - I can hear you.
- Well, I picked up
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123. some phrases
banging a pirate or two.
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124. Here's how to say,
"Faster, harder."
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125. Because that'll come
in handy.
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126. Now you try it.
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127. No, it's more like...
You know the sound you make
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128. after letting out a fart
you've been holding in all day?
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129. Oh, please.
You've never held in a fart
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130. - in your life.
- Tough but fair.
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131. Like now, Pam.
Now would have been
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132. a great time to hold it in.
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133. I have... I have no idea
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134. what she said,
but it just sounds funny.
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135. Jesus, Cyril,
watch the landing.
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136. You gotta slide it
in there gently.
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137. You are a terrible pilot.
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138. You put me on a job
that's not my specialty.
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139. - That's bad captaining.
- Cocaptaining.
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140. - Oh, now you share the credit?
- Fine.
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141. I should have assigned Cyril
to his specialty of, uh...
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142. What is your specialty again?
Space accounting?
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143. You're putting "space"
in front of it
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144. to make it extra silly,
but it's actually
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145. really an important part
of running a ship.
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146. That was quick.
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147. He's asking...
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148. He was just asking
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149. where we got these
human costumes, but...
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150. Oh, thank God
you're here, Cyril.
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151. You're so quick on the draw.
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152. My blaster got stuck
in its holster.
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153. - I can help with that.
- Stop it!
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154. Unwanted advance
in the workplace.
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155. Take it up with
the Dri'n pirate HR.
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156. Get those uniforms on and
put in your voice changers.
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157. More pirates will be coming.
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158. On my tits.
What?
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159. Do you even have tits?
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160. They're retractable.
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161. Now, where is that mainframe?
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162. This ship has zero Feng Shui.
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163. Whoa.
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164. There's gotta be a switch
to get a laser bridge
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165. or something.
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166. Why people build
dangerous ravines
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167. in spaceships is beyond me.
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168. You gotta warn me next time!
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169. We almost... and that hook
is not secure!
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170. How do you even know
the mainframe is on this side?
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171. Oh, I don't.
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172. I just find terror
kind of hot, you know?
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173. I do not know.
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174. Not to mention the woman
swinging the man across
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175. - is totally...
- emasculating!
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176. Shit balls!
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177. Guys, remember, place them
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178. on the structural beams
for maximum impact.
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179. I need more.
I'm missing a testicle.
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180. - What the hell are you doing?
- What's the big deal?
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181. It's thermite;
throw it anywhere,
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182. it's gonna blow up the ship.
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183. I'm not letting you
waste thermite.
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184. Give me the thermite.
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185. - God damn it, Archer.
- Uh-oh.
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186. It was an accident.
Yeah, it was flirty horseplay.
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187. - These aren't toys.
- Your boobs?
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188. - Because I beg to differ.
- It's stuck.
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189. Krieger, how do you peel off
these thermite charges?
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190. - Oh, no worries there.
- Oh, good.
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191. It's a super polymer.
Can't be removed or disarmed.
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192. I thought they would peel
off like air fresheners.
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193. They look like air fresheners.
Just take your shirt off, then.
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194. I'm not wearing a shirt
or bra under this.
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195. - Oh, I noticed.
- We all noticed.
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196. Is it for the pirates?
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197. Because they do not make
good husbands, Lana.
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198. I am not trying
to get a pirate husband.
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199. This ship has no AC
and pirate garb isn't exactly...
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200. Oh, shit.
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201. Hey!
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202. Huh, it actually worked.
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203. Almost like Krieger knows
what he was doing.
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204. I'm sorry, Lana.
He'll never be a space cowboy.
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205. Now, let's blow up this ship...
Without blowing my tits off.
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206. Give me one more.
I need to finish my testicle.
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207. - Here.
- Seriously?
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208. Guys, even for me
this is getting childish.
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209. Don't mention children.
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210. Lana will smear her mascara.
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211. Eavesdropping and lobbing
insults is not running comms.
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212. I knew I should have
done the assigning,
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213. because everyone you picked
is spectacularly wrong
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214. for the job.
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215. See, this is what
I'm talking about.
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216. Why would they put
the mainframe
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217. right next door
to the mess?
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218. The heat would be
hellon the data core.
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219. What, did you read that
in your
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220. spaceship architecture
magazine?
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221. You mean
"Starchitectural Digest"?
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222. Yes. Shall we get to work?
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223. Um...
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224. do you know
how to disable a radar system?
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225. No.
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226. Is this another
"fear is hot" thing,
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227. or do you really not know?
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228. Because I sure don't.
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229. Ugh, bad captaining!
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230. Mission accomplished.
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231. How long should we set
the timers for?
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232. All right, let's see.
Uh, Cyril and Cheryl
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233. have to disarm the radar;
we all have to get
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234. to the hatch; and I haveto
strip this pirate suit off
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235. so the bomb
won't blowmy tits off.
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236. And Archer's baby-maker!
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237. Don't... don't say
"baby," Pam,
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238. because you know...
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239. Shit!
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240. You set them off!
How much time we got?
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241. - Shit, 11 minutes.
- Jesus!
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242. Couldn't you have kicked
a higher number?
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243. Or, you know, not at all?
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244. - We gotta run.
- Yeah, not much of a runner.
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245. Okay, guys, listen up.
We have 11 minutes
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246. to get our asses off this
ship before it explodes.
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247. Oh, God.
If you find terror hot,
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248. I must be gorgeous
to you right now.
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249. - Yeah.
- No, stop!
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250. - I shouldn't even be here!
- I should have been the one
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251. kicking back on the "Seamus"
running comms!
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252. For your information,
I've got my hands full.
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253. Full of what,
gin and tonics?
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254. I don't know
what you're talking about.
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255. We can hear
the ice clinking.
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256. No, that's space static.
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257. Must be sun spots.
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258. We need you
to connect us with Ray.
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259. - He's on a sick day!
- We're going to blow up
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260. in 11 minutes.
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261. Closer to ten.
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262. Hold, please.
Ray?
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263. Ray, thank God.
We need your help.
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264. Yeah, kind of in the middle
of something.
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265. Ray our surgery pod
is not designed
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266. for recreational use.
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267. - This is a medical procedure.
- Scented candles?
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268. Is it a crime to want
to brighten up my colonoscopy?
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269. - I think not.
- You said
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270. it wasn't recreational!
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271. Colorectal cancer's
serious business.
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272. You should be checked
every 10 years after 50.
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273. Ugh, how old are you?
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274. Or if you have
atypical symptoms,
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275. like a change
in bowel habits.
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276. Speaking of which,
we're in the bowels
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277. - of an enemy battle cruiser!
- I'll be wearing
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278. my colorectal blue ribbon
that says, "I got tested."
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279. Tomorrow, after my sick day.
Which you're interrupting.
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280. Ugh, we need you
to walk us through disabling
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281. a giant spaceship
radar system thingy.
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282. But my crisis vest
is on Deck 2.
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283. - Ray!
- Fine.
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284. Let old Ray just interrupt
his prescribed
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285. lifesaving medical test
to call up
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286. alien battle cruiser
schematicson his sick day.
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287. Don't suppose you have
a ship model number?
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288. We're inside the ship,
so no.
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289. And kind of in a hurry!
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290. Do you see
a blinking green light?
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291. We're dead.
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292. Don't you just crave
its sweet release?
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293. Okay, sending you
the disarming protocols... now.
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294. Thanks, Ray,
you're a lifesaver.
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295. You're...
God damn it, Ray.
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296. Is this a picture
of your colon?
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297. - Aww.
- Sorry.
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298. This wine might be mixing
with my propofol.
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299. I do see why this is addictive.
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300. We only have
eight minutes!
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301. Don't get your panties
in a bunch.
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302. Also, do you see any polyps?
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303. Lana, how is it possible
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304. you wanna give
all this up for diapers?
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305. I don't know,
maybe because I don't need
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306. to play two-bit space cowboy
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307. just because I'm scared
of commitment.
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308. How dare you speak precisely
the truth at me.
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309. Hey, guys!
Wait up!
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310. You used to be fun.
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311. Now you want
to do not-fun stuff
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312. like settling down.
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313. Well, I got news
for you, sister.
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314. Don't say that, ever.
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315. - Settling is for potato chips.
- Oh, God, Archer.
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316. Will you stop treating me
like some baby-crazy cliché
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317. of maternal desire?
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318. Aww, look at them!
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319. Oh, come on, Lana.
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320. Space ocelots.
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321. Actually,
they're called "grimalkians."
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322. Shut your mouth, Pam.
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323. That is a goddamn
space ocelot.
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324. Ah, son of a bitch.
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325. - You're a real natural.
- I've seen these before.
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326. A shithead ex of
minehad one as a pet.
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327. - I think they're endangered.
- No doubt the Dri'n
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328. stole them to sell their fur
to illegal traders.
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329. Yeah, this ex was an
illegal trader, so that all tracks.
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330. Shit, we've only got
seven minutes
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331. to get off this death star...
Lowercase "D," lowercase "S"...
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332. And back to the "Seamus" beforewe
explode in a million pieces.
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333. No, we can't blow up
the ship with them on board.
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334. - They'll go extinct.
- I'll watch anything
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335. that asshole loved burn.
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336. Just look
how adorable they are.
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337. Ow!
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338. Guys, look at this! They love me!
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339. It's like I'm their king!
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340. Uh, Cyril, Cheryl?
Did you guys...
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341. Fail spectacularly at the
one task you were given?
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342. You said turn off
the radar.
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343. You didn't say anything
about an alarm!
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344. It was clearly implied.
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345. Yes, it was. Wasn't it?
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346. Yes, it was.
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347. All clear.
No intruders in here.
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348. Oh, shit, is that English?
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349. He's the intruder
you're looking for!
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350. Aww, balls.
Mine's broken too.
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351. Hey, screw you for that.
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352. Girl's gotta
self-preserve, dude.
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353. Okay, so now we need
to rescue Cyril and Cheryl...
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354. Yeah, that's great,
but we have another rescue first.
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355. - What?
- The space ocelots, Pam.
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356. We've got six minutes,
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357. so let's start with the...
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358. widdle baby furballs.
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359. Oh, mother...
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360. Is not what you should be,
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361. because these things
do not like you.
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362. It is a hilarious twist
of fate.
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363. Holy hell, those little
twerps are quick.
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364. Oh, well.
Let's get out of here.
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365. What the...
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366. - Aww, he likes you.
- Um, no, Lana.
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367. He loves me.
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368. This guy is so cool.
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369. Here, Lana, get a picture.
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370. Just kick the little
shit offand let's roll!
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371. We're buds!
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372. I'm a bad ass space cowboy,
and he's my deputy!
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373. Don't you wanna
jump on my shoulder
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374. and be my widdle deputy?
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375. I'm a co-space cowboy.
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376. Wow, jealousy isan
ugly color on you, Lana.
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377. Something's wrong
with this blaster!
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378. Have you tried
opening your eyes?
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379. Yes!
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380. They actually are open!
For real!
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381. Guess that's not a factor
anyway.
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382. Where's the fire, brother?
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383. Oh, shit, was that English?
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384. Why'd you even open
your big mouth, Archer?
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385. He was running right
by us.
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386. I think the better question
is, why do we even have
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387. a ship robot
if he can't even make
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388. his stupid robot
gadgets work?
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389. - We're cut off!
- My circulation is cut off.
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390. The grip on this thingis unreal.
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391. Look at this!
He's eating this shit up.
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392. Come on, little buddy.
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393. Let's go in the fun tunnel.
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394. - Pam?
- Nah.
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395. I don't do tight spaces
I'm not familiar with.
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396. Just go.
I'll hold them off
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397. and meet you at the dock.
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398. Come and get it,
space dicks!
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399. Well, at least it's downhill.-
A little too downhill.
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400. Are you surethis is an air vent?
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401. Of course it's an air vent.
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402. Ugh, you've gotta be
shitting me.
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403. Oops, I guess it wasn't
an air vent.
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404. Ah, my blaster jammed!
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405. Blasters don't jam,
you lying fleshbag!
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406. You're pathetic!
Cover me!
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407. - I thought you had a plan!
- I do!
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408. I'm making a necklace.
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409. I will give you
one of my teeth.
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410. - Just get me off this ship.
- Nope, it's not the same.
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411. It has to be from a kill.
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412. Unless that's something
you might be interested in.
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413. Ew, no.
Hey, any chance
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414. of getting a rescue here?
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415. - Yeah, uh, about that.
- Oh, Lana.
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416. Thank God.
Archer had us escape
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417. in a stupid air vent that...
Air vent, copy that.
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418. - Cyril, let her finish.
- Oh, God, this is a dead end.
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419. We have two minutes!
What do we do?
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420. Ugh, you're not gonna
wet your uniform
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421. like last time?
Not the time or place.
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422. Actually, this is
a pretty good time and place.
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423. New plan: we form
a human-ocelot ladder...
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424. - Ugh, I'd rather just die.
- To get back to the air vent.
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425. Stop calling it an air vent.
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426. Fine!
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427. Pam!
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428. - Thank God.
- You're running the wrong way.
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429. Cannonball!
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430. It's in my mouth.
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431. This is not good.
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432. Even my little ocelotbud bailed.
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433. I'm calling Krieger
for backup.
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434. No, Lana.
Space cowboys do or die.
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435. He's our only option.
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436. Malory, Krieger, come in!
Come in!
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437. Yes! It's Krieger.
What do you need? I can do it!
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438. Get down here, stat.
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439. We need backup immediately.
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440. - Trash compactor.
- I'm on it!
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441. Yes!
Needed by real humans.
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442. My God, why did we
even bring him?
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443. This is it, people!
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444. This is the end!
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445. Brace yourselves
for obliteration!
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446. I really like her this way.
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447. - I'm kind of into it myself.
- Wait! Look!
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448. Jesus!
They're demons in disguise.
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449. I've been fooled.
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450. - Ugh.
- Oh, my God.
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451. Why does it have to be
so gross?
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452. Stand back, folks.
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453. I've "bot" this.
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454. And once again, you and
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455. your iron heart are
completely useless.
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456. There's my pal!
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457. Back to normal.
You can't quit me, can you?
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458. How much time?
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459. 30 seconds.
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460. This is gonna be tight.
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461. It wouldn't be tight
if you hadn't
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462. screwed up
the assignments!
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463. Whatever, Lana.
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464. Maybe I screwed up the
assignments on purpose
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465. so you'd feel needed
and want to stay.
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466. Oh, please.
Maybe you're just saying that
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467. as a cool way to cover
screwingup the assignments.
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468. Oh, go have an Earth baby,
why don't you?
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469. Oh, we can't just leave these
space ocelots here.
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470. - Grimalkians.
- And, yes, we can.
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471. Pam, I'm not gonna do this
with you.
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472. I'm already too upset.
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473. Oh, God, their eyes.
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474. - Even though they hate you?
- Yep, even though.
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475. - 15 seconds!
- I think these furry banshees
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476. are just gonna have
to stay on board.
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477. I meant on board
the other ship.
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478. Oh, God damn it to shit!
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479. Can't these bastards
stayin the cargo hold?
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480. Mommy's just joking.
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481. I think we all
know who the fun parent is.
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482. Corrections done by srjanapala
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483. Made in Georgia.
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