1. FXX presents
Archer 1999.Copy !req
2. Lana.Copy !req
3. Lana.Copy !req
4. - Let me go aheadCopy !req
5. and save you the trouble
of shouting my nameCopy !req
6. - like a shrill five-year-old... -Shrill?Copy !req
7. and point out
that I'm a little busyCopy !req
8. doing both our jobs.Copy !req
9. Which I'd be helping you withCopy !req
10. if I could find
the goddamn cherries.Copy !req
11. What cherries?Copy !req
12. The maraschino cherries, Lana.
I...Copy !req
13. We are entering the atmosphere
of an uncharted planetCopy !req
14. at a couple thousand miles
per hourCopy !req
15. to check out a distress beacon,Copy !req
16. and you're talking to me
about cherries?Copy !req
17. She said. Dryly.Copy !req
18. Sorry. I didn't invent how
to make a whiskey sour, Lana.Copy !req
19. Here's an idea.Copy !req
20. Maybe try inventing
not doing that right now.Copy !req
21. God, lighten up.
It's a road trip.Copy !req
22. Who goes on a road trip
without a few cocktails?Copy !req
23. - Look...
- Trick question, Lana.Copy !req
24. - No one does.
- This isn't...Copy !req
25. The time to try new things.
Exactly.Copy !req
26. Especially when we're going
a thousand miles per...Copy !req
27. Goddamn it!Copy !req
28. System failure.Copy !req
29. System failure.Copy !req
30. Autopilot is out!Copy !req
31. I got it.Copy !req
32. - What is happening?-KRIEGER: What are they doing?Copy !req
33. - Goddamn it!Copy !req
34. The hell's going on up there?Copy !req
35. Don't look at me!Copy !req
36. Talk to Captain Road Trip
over here!Copy !req
37. What? Oh, how is this
suddenly my fault?Copy !req
38. We're coming in hot!Copy !req
39. Everyone, hang on!Copy !req
40. Hey, if you happen to see
any cherries back there...Copy !req
41. Oh, God, give it a rest!Copy !req
42. You give it a rest!Copy !req
43. - Ow!Copy !req
44. - Holy shitsnacks!Copy !req
45. Never mind.Copy !req
46. Found the cherries.Copy !req
47. So, got some good news
and some bad news.Copy !req
48. Any chanceyou're gonna tell us what it is?Copy !req
49. Oh. Right.Copy !req
50. The bad news is,
comms are deadCopy !req
51. and the fuel cell's ruptured,Copy !req
52. so we're not going anywhere
anytime soon.Copy !req
53. Hang on. You mean
we're frickin' stranded?Copy !req
54. Not stranded, dummy.Copy !req
55. He said "soon."Copy !req
56. Though I technically meant
"ever."Copy !req
57. Then what's the good news?Copy !req
58. Hmm. Guess it was
mostly just bad news.Copy !req
59. - Damn it, Krieger!
- God, relax.Copy !req
60. He said "mostly."Copy !req
61. So... completely inoperable.Copy !req
62. Um, what are you doing?Copy !req
63. Oh. Uh, since our insurance
claims keep getting denied,Copy !req
64. Ms. Archer has put me
in charge of the paperwork.Copy !req
65. Cause of accident:Copy !req
66. barely functional alcoholism.Copy !req
67. - Hey!
- All right, listen up.Copy !req
68. Let's salvage what we can
from the shuttleCopy !req
69. and find the distress beacon.Copy !req
70. It's probably a downed ship,Copy !req
71. so maybe there's a fuel cell
we can use.Copy !req
72. Way ahead of you.Copy !req
73. On the "salvage what you can"
part.Copy !req
74. - Unbelievable.
Right?Copy !req
75. What are the chances
lemons would survive the...Copy !req
76. Can you please focus?Copy !req
77. Why? Mother's
probably putting togetherCopy !req
78. a rescue plan as we speak.Copy !req
79. Mm. should probably checkCopy !req
80. on why their comms are down.Copy !req
81. Meh. Feels like it can wait.Copy !req
82. Everything can wait.Copy !req
83. Speaking of,
anybody want in on this?Copy !req
84. I'm about to make another batch.Copy !req
85. - Seriously?
- Road trip.Copy !req
86. Which we may be on forever
if we're stranded here.Copy !req
87. Oh, take it easy, Lana.
It'll be fine.Copy !req
88. And this blithe optimism
is based on what, exactly?Copy !req
89. Because this is me
we're talking about.Copy !req
90. Wildly reassuring.Copy !req
91. Trust me on this.Copy !req
92. I have mastered the art
of blind luck.Copy !req
93. No offense to your blind luck,Copy !req
94. but it might be nice
to have a plan B.Copy !req
95. Why? Seriously,
do you have any ideaCopy !req
96. how many times I should haveliterally died in the last year?Copy !req
97. - Wow me.
- Krieger, tell her.Copy !req
98. Including that thing last week?Copy !req
99. Hey! This is totally safe,
right?Copy !req
100. - Technically?
- As in "actually," Krieger!Copy !req
101. Kind of feels like probably.Copy !req
102. To both of those.Copy !req
103. Whoa, whoa, wait! What?Copy !req
104. - Then nine.
- Boosh.Copy !req
105. Please tell me there's a point.Copy !req
106. Point is,
if you hit pauseCopy !req
107. on your whole angry
negativity thing...Copy !req
108. Angry what?Copy !req
109. for, like, one second,Copy !req
110. you'd notice
we always end up fine.Copy !req
111. Though we may be pushing
our luck at this point.Copy !req
112. Christ on a cracker.Copy !req
113. Is this whole frickin' planet
uphill?Copy !req
114. Jesus, is that a thing?Copy !req
115. At least it means we're not
totally lost going in circles.Copy !req
116. Though not feeling
entirely un-lost.Copy !req
117. We're not lost, idiots.Copy !req
118. I know how to work
the whatchamahickey.Copy !req
119. Really?
Because "whatchamahickey"Copy !req
120. doesn't inspire
tons of confidence.Copy !req
121. It's technically
a whatchamacallit.Copy !req
122. Or am I being too negative?Copy !req
123. - When are you not?
- All the time, jackass!Copy !req
124. - Oh, and there's the angry part.-Look...Copy !req
125. Face it, Lana. Angry'sbasically your default setting.Copy !req
126. - Says who?
- Besides everybody?Copy !req
127. - Well, not everybody.
- Thank you!Copy !req
128. Just the people
who've actually met you.Copy !req
129. Yeah. Possibly a few others.Copy !req
130. Hey, assholes.Copy !req
131. I'm not, like,
perpetually angry.Copy !req
132. Really?Copy !req
133. - Yes, really.
- Scale of one to ten, Lana,Copy !req
134. how happy would you say you are, in general?Copy !req
135. Oh, easily a six.Copy !req
136. A six?
Then what's a seven,Copy !req
137. "Yay, I've got tons of cancer"?Copy !req
138. Like you're any better.Copy !req
139. Seriously?
I'm always a total nine.Copy !req
140. Please.Copy !req
141. I'm buoyant, Lana,
bordering on bubbly.Copy !req
142. Listen to how I talk.Copy !req
143. - There's a tone.
- A tone?Copy !req
144. Yes, Lana, a tone.Copy !req
145. Notice how my sentences go up
at the end?Copy !req
146. Oh, yeah. You mean like,
"Shut the hell up"?Copy !req
147. - Exac— Damn it.Copy !req
148. - Ow!
- Ha.Copy !req
149. Now I'm a seven,
by the way.Copy !req
150. And now I'm a two.Copy !req
151. So which partof the blind luck plan is this?Copy !req
152. Um, I think this is the part
where you sh...Copy !req
153. it!Copy !req
154. Finally!Copy !req
155. Some frickin' downhill.Copy !req
156. Blind luck,
you are my spirit animal.Copy !req
157. Holy spacesnacks.Copy !req
158. What the hell happened?Copy !req
159. Hopefully nothing a fuel cell
couldn't survive.Copy !req
160. Yeah, otherwise,
we're pretty much screwed.Copy !req
161. Easy, Debbie Downer.Copy !req
162. No one wants to go
to your dark place right now.Copy !req
163. You know...Copy !req
164. Yeah, but she's right.Copy !req
165. We only have enough food
for a few days.Copy !req
166. Then what?
We sit around and starve?Copy !req
167. Please,
whoever survives the cullingCopy !req
168. - will have plenty of food.
- The what?Copy !req
169. Uh, the culling?Copy !req
170. You know, where people suffocatein their sleepCopy !req
171. with gross, sweaty socks
stuffed in their mouthsCopy !req
172. or get accidentally stabbed
in the neckCopy !req
173. while they pee or whatever?Copy !req
174. - What?
- The details make it weird.Copy !req
175. Just the details?Copy !req
176. Section seven,Copy !req
177. possible post-accident injuries.Copy !req
178. - Uh, that's "culling"
with a "C," right?
- Look,Copy !req
179. idiots, there's got to be a fuelcell around here somewhere.Copy !req
180. They're basically impossible
to destroy.Copy !req
181. Unless the pilot
spills a cocktailCopy !req
182. - all over the flight controls.
- Yeah.Copy !req
183. But what are the odds
their pilot was that kick-ass?Copy !req
184. Perhaps better than you think.Copy !req
185. Holy...Copy !req
186. Shitsnacks.Copy !req
187. Ooh. Fascinating.Copy !req
188. Now I'm an eight.Copy !req
189. How is this possible?Copy !req
190. It-it isn't.Copy !req
191. This is insane.Copy !req
192. Obviously.Copy !req
193. I mean,
who shaves off hair like this?Copy !req
194. Idiot.Copy !req
195. Okay, there's got to be
a logical explanation.Copy !req
196. Lana, there's nothing logical
about shaving...Copy !req
197. Not talking about your hair,
dumb-ass.Copy !req
198. None of this makes any sense.Copy !req
199. Uh, ever consider the fact
we're obviously ghostsCopy !req
200. looking at our own
stupid dead bodies?Copy !req
201. We're not ghosts,
dick nuts.Copy !req
202. How do you— Ow!Copy !req
203. Buy a girl a drink first.Copy !req
204. Jesus.Copy !req
205. Is anyone here familiar
with multiverse theory?Copy !req
206. How 'bout pretend we're not?Copy !req
207. Long story short, this may be a parallel universe,Copy !req
208. making these our doppelgangers.Copy !req
209. Doppel-what?Copy !req
210. Sort of like
everyone's alter egos.Copy !req
211. Not everyone's.Copy !req
212. Yeah.
Where's yours, Krieger?Copy !req
213. Huh.
Maybe doppel-Krieger survived.Copy !req
214. Yeah. And maybe
he killed everybody.Copy !req
215. Please,Copy !req
216. why would I
ever finally do that?Copy !req
217. What the hell?Copy !req
218. - Mayday, mayday.Copy !req
219. This is Sterling Archer
of the MVSeamus,Copy !req
220. and we are going down.Copy !req
221. Repeat, we are going down.Copy !req
222. Transmitting our location now.Copy !req
223. And, on a personal note,
whoever gets this,Copy !req
224. please know
my only regret is...Copy !req
225. The hair, obviously.Copy !req
226. - Shut up.
- Oh, come on.
- Shut up, man.Copy !req
227. I wasn't able to save
my valiant crew.Copy !req
228. My dear friends, Cyril,Copy !req
229. Pam, Krieger,Copy !req
230. Ray, Crystal...Copy !req
231. Oh, my God! Totally forgot
about the Crystal thing.Copy !req
232. I love you all dearly.Copy !req
233. Truly the best friends
a guy could have.Copy !req
234. - Aw.
- Oh, my God, give me...Copy !req
235. Shut up!Copy !req
236. But, most of all,Copy !req
237. I'll miss my wife, Lana.Copy !req
238. You're the greatest thing
that ever happened to me.Copy !req
239. I wrote you this poem
I want to read.Copy !req
240. It's called
"I'll Never Stop..."Copy !req
241. "Totally Embarrassing Yourself"?Copy !req
242. - Come on!
- Oh, God!Copy !req
243. You realize, theoretically,
that was you, right?Copy !req
244. How? He's nothing like me.Copy !req
245. Got a point. He did seem
entirely non-self-absorbed.Copy !req
246. Exactly.
Wait, what?Copy !req
247. And weirdly not a dick.Copy !req
248. You're weirdly not a dick.Copy !req
249. - Makes no sense.
- Yeah.Copy !req
250. That other Archer
was refreshingly friendly.Copy !req
251. Yeah, like what you think
matters, Cyril.Copy !req
252. And we're back.Copy !req
253. And is it just me,
or was that shaved head thingCopy !req
254. - super working?
- Totally.Copy !req
255. - Ka-sploosh!
- I was into it.Copy !req
256. Just sit thereand be into the non-hair-having,Copy !req
257. clearly castrated version of meCopy !req
258. while I go find a fuel cell to
get us all out of here, which,Copy !req
259. P.S., is pretty much
the opposite of self-absorbed!Copy !req
260. So, how's
the bubbly thing going?Copy !req
261. Still sporting that nine?Copy !req
262. No.Copy !req
263. "Are you making any
of the following claimsCopy !req
264. for emotional distress?"Copy !req
265. Yes, yes, yes.Copy !req
266. Well, these are all yes.Copy !req
267. Shit, I'm heavy.Copy !req
268. Incoming!Copy !req
269. So, I officially quit.Copy !req
270. And speaking of good news,Copy !req
271. I assume finding this
crammed up my ass qualified?Copy !req
272. Is that a fuel cell?
Oh, thank God.Copy !req
273. Shut up, Cyril.
You still don't matter.Copy !req
274. It's funny 'cause it's true.Copy !req
275. Okay, got some good news
and bad news.Copy !req
276. Bad news is, that thing's
not going anywhere.Copy !req
277. And the good news?Copy !req
278. Mm. I swear
I had something for this.Copy !req
279. - Krieger.
- Krieger!
- Great.Copy !req
280. Making us pretty much screwed.Copy !req
281. - Easily a six.
- Shut it.Copy !req
282. And let the culling begin!Copy !req
283. Okay.Copy !req
284. Maybe instead
of culling each other,Copy !req
285. we should come up
with an actual plan.Copy !req
286. Like, obviously,
someone needs to go out thereCopy !req
287. and distract that thing
while everyone else gets away.Copy !req
288. And I vote Pam.Copy !req
289. What? Screw you, dick nuts.Copy !req
290. - What?
- Why me?Copy !req
291. Because look at you, Pam.Copy !req
292. That thing's not gonna want
to eat... that.Copy !req
293. Well, you either!Copy !req
294. 'Cause who'd want to eat
a complete dick?Copy !req
295. Just gonna softball it in
like that?Copy !req
296. Sorry I didn't invent
appetizing, Pam.Copy !req
297. Yeah, well,
I'm sorry we ended upCopy !req
298. with the complete asshole
version of you.Copy !req
299. Oh, what? You'd rather have
touchy-feely bald guy?Copy !req
300. - Yep, yep, yep.
- 100%.
- No contest.Copy !req
301. Fine. Know what?Copy !req
302. You want him?Copy !req
303. Then come and get him!Copy !req
304. Boom! Wordplay!Copy !req
305. - Now run, idiots!Copy !req
306. So, was it weird?Copy !req
307. Probably.Copy !req
308. Wait, what are we talking about?Copy !req
309. You know, watching your alterego get eaten by a giant lizard.Copy !req
310. Please, if that guy
was really my alter ego, Lana,Copy !req
311. he would have been something
really cool,Copy !req
312. like a secret agent
or a private detectiveCopy !req
313. - or a...Copy !req
314. Oh, my God!Copy !req
315. You guys are alive!Copy !req
316. Archer!Copy !req
317. Oh, God. Get it off.Copy !req
318. And your hair!Copy !req
319. - Right?
- It's glorious!Copy !req
320. Aw. Wait a minute.Copy !req
321. Doppelganger multiverse theory?Copy !req
322. Exactly.Copy !req
323. And the rest of my crew's...
dead?Copy !req
324. - Exactly.-Oh, like you didn't kill them.Copy !req
325. What?Copy !req
326. Why would I ever do that,
finally?Copy !req
327. - Right?
- Besides...Copy !req
328. You know what?
What do you sayCopy !req
329. we take this half-assed reunionon the roadCopy !req
330. before that tyrannosaurus
whatever shows up for seconds?Copy !req
331. - Fascinating.
- What?Copy !req
332. Our Lana had
a lot of angry energy, too.Copy !req
333. Ha! Hilarious.Copy !req
334. Oh, is it?Copy !req
335. And that was
no Tyrannosaurus rexyou saw.Copy !req
336. I mean,
unless a T. rexis capableCopy !req
337. of camouflaging itself perfectlyin any surroundingsCopy !req
338. with chameleon-like...Copy !req
339. Oh, shit.Copy !req
340. It's right behind me,
isn't it?Copy !req
341. So, how's that whole
blind luck thing working out?Copy !req
342. No! Me!Copy !req
343. You tell me.Copy !req
344. Uh, I mean, seriously, Lana,Copy !req
345. At some point, you really got
to ask yourself...Copy !req
346. It's not the time.Copy !req
347. If maybe the luckiest spot
in the galaxyCopy !req
348. is standing right next to me.Copy !req
349. Got a whole bunch of wedding
photos that say otherwise.Copy !req
350. Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
351. We have wedding photos?Copy !req
352. Oh, yeah. Big box of 'em
labeled "Cautionary Tale,"Copy !req
353. which is what this whole thing'sgonna turn intoCopy !req
354. if we can't find our way
back to the ship.Copy !req
355. How the hell?Copy !req
356. I've learned not to ask.Copy !req
357. Now, let's get the hell
out of here.Copy !req
358. Wait, what are you talking
about? We can't just fly off.Copy !req
359. What? Then why havel been lugging this thing aroundCopy !req
360. all this time?Copy !req
361. No. I mean
we can't just leave everyone.Copy !req
362. Of course we're not, Lana.Copy !req
363. - Assuming they get here on time.Copy !req
364. Wow. Such an asshole.Copy !req
365. - What?
- Could you tryCopy !req
366. not being completely consumed
with yourselfCopy !req
367. for once in your life?Copy !req
368. Why?Copy !req
369. Wait, I don't want
to go wandering aroundCopy !req
370. a man-eating jungle
and suddenly I'mthe asshole?Copy !req
371. How does that even work?Copy !req
372. Oh, I know.Copy !req
373. Maybe I should shave my head
and take up poetryCopy !req
374. and see how many things I canrhyme with "soul-sucking" and...Copy !req
375. Lana!Copy !req
376. Psst! Lana!Copy !req
377. What are you guys doing?Copy !req
378. Well, we
werehiding from that stupid,Copy !req
379. giant lizard thingy.Copy !req
380. But now, thanks
to your loud-as-shit ass...Copy !req
381. Not so much.Copy !req
382. Holy...Copy !req
383. Shit.Copy !req
384. Oh, wait.Copy !req
385. Ow! What are you doing, woman?Copy !req
386. Besides pissing it off
even more!Copy !req
387. And totally killing
our earballs!Copy !req
388. - What?
- See?Copy !req
389. Goddamn it!Copy !req
390. Good God.
What the hell's it doing now?Copy !req
391. I don't know,
moving on to plan B?Copy !req
392. Yeah, "B,"
as in "burying us alive!"Copy !req
393. Okay.Copy !req
394. Who brought the dog?Copy !req
395. Damn it!Copy !req
396. No!Copy !req
397. Well, look who decided
not to be a total dick.Copy !req
398. Just couldn't leave
my buddy Cyril behind.Copy !req
399. Wait, really?Copy !req
400. Of course not, idiot.Copy !req
401. And yet you had the time to stopand make a cocktail.Copy !req
402. God, you are
just so glass half-empty.Copy !req
403. Ooh, actually, me, too.Copy !req
404. So just gonna freshen this up.Copy !req
405. Item one.Copy !req
406. - Item what?
- Yeah, what are we even doing?Copy !req
407. It's called an agenda.Copy !req
408. - For what?
- So confused right now.Copy !req
409. I swear, you people!Copy !req
410. Item one.Copy !req
411. The insurance company
has officially deemedCopy !req
412. the Seamus IIa total loss,Copy !req
413. so this little enterpriseCopy !req
414. may actually turn a profit
this year.Copy !req
415. What are you talking about?Copy !req
416. - The other crew.
- Hang on. I thought those wereCopy !req
417. our parallel universe
doppel-bangers.Copy !req
418. Oh, for the love of...Copy !req
419. Those were clones,
you idiots.Copy !req
420. I had you people cloned
in your sleep.Copy !req
421. - Why?
- To double productivity, dear.Copy !req
422. It was Krieger's idea.Copy !req
423. Oh, did I obviously forgetCopy !req
424. - to mention that?
- Yep.Copy !req
425. So wait till you see what we doto you in yoursleep.Copy !req
426. Now I'm a nine.Copy !req
427. Made in Georgia.Copy !req
428. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBHCopy !req
429. Whoo!Copy !req
430. - Hey.Copy !req
431. - Welcome to the freak show.Copy !req
432. - Is that shepherd's pie?
- And banana puddin'.Copy !req
433. - Why, I oughta—
- You oughta... wash off
that 'nana puddin'.Copy !req
434. Archer 1999.Copy !req
435. All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.Copy !req