1. FXX presents Archer 1999.
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2. Now that doesn't look right.
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3. Why am I looking at a black hole?
You know I hate those.
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4. Yeah, we're nowhere near
where we're supposed to be.
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5. Well, maybe we should find
the navigator
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6. - and throw something at him.
- Wait, I'm the... hey!
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7. - Seriously?
- Sorry, I didn't have anything heavier.
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8. Also there's that.
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9. That is the most evil thing
I've ever seen.
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10. This isn't my fault.
I didn't enter these coordinates.
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11. That thing summoned us
out of hyperspace.
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12. Well, don't just stand there
gawping like stunned space elk.
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13. Go see if there's anything
worth salvaging.
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14. You want us to walk into a thing
that might as well have
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15. "imminent death"
written on the side?
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16. Well...
Since we're here.
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17. Yep, and nothing terrible
ever happens in a place like this.
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18. Hmm, I'm not finding much.
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19. Just a bunch of hallways
that meet up over there.
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20. Ooh, I'm picking up large
amounts of organic compounds!
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21. Aww, but no moisture,
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22. - which only makes sense if it's...
- A giant field of old, dead aliens?
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23. - Or an army of space mummies.
- Uh, look up circuit-dick.
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24. Oh, well, technically I'm correct
if they stand up...
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25. - ... now! Right now.
- Instead of trying to raise the dead,
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26. why don't we just find something shiny
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27. and get the heck out of here?
Cyril, find anything?
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28. Well, it looks like there
are two kinds of aliens.
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29. Heavily armored and seems like
they've been here for eons.
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30. Ah!
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31. Dead... alien... in...
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32. my... lungs.
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33. Whoa-ho!
Cool!
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34. We've decoded
the writing on the outside
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35. - and it seemed... relevant.
- Relevant how?
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36. Well, as far as we can tell,
it's one phrase
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37. translated into a
dozen ancient languages.
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38. "Beware. End of life."
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39. "Beware. End of life."
Any-hoo...
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40. - Now I kind of wish we'd worn helmets.
- Time to go. Cyril, Pam.
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41. Ha-ha!
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42. Bring me the biggest goose
in all of London!
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43. Well, hello.
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44. I'm Mr. Deadly,
and I'm coming with you.
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45. And if we don't take you?
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46. Written right on the side.
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47. sync & correction by f1nc0
- Addic7ed.com ~
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48. Could you say that
one more time?
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49. - Bring me the biggest goo...
- Not you!
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50. I'm a sentient doomsday device
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51. created by an extinct alien race
but never used.
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52. Wait, never used?
What about all those bodies?
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53. Well, hello.
I'm Mr. Deadly.
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54. Typical.
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55. I didn't kill them.
They died fighting over me.
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56. But you gestured threateningly.
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57. I've been alone
for thousands of years,
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58. so my nonverbal communication
skills are a bit rusty.
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59. - So wait, are you a weapon or not?
- As I said, doomsday device.
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60. Designed by a race
to whom mutual destruction
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61. was preferable to defeat.
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62. I was hidden away
on the edge of space,
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63. but the war I was created
to end in fiery apotheosis
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64. concluded without me.
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65. So there I remained,
my only companions
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66. - the velvety dark and solitude itself.
- And then?
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67. I got bored, so I nabbed you
lot out of hyperspace
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68. to help me explode,
at which point
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69. I'll atomize a few dozen
solar systems.
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70. Who else is turned on right now?
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71. - Always on.
- Not at all.
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72. Am I to understand that
we brought a giant bomb
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73. onto the ship because you
misunderstood its gestures?
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74. Yeah, keep working on it, buddy.
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75. Now, with that out of the way,
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76. would you say
"Please detonate"?
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77. Plea...
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78. Keep little Miss Death Wish
confined here until we decide
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79. what to do with that
walking apocalypse.
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80. So we're just supposed to sit
here and twiddle our thumbs?
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81. I'm sure what you do
with your thumbs
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82. is entirely your business.
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83. - Yeah, just see the silently.
- That'll show her.
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84. - Well, you're stuck here, too.
- I'm always stuck here.
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85. What?
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86. I'm just laughing
at how little they respect you.
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87. God, I need a drink.
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88. It looks like The Artifact
sealed itself up after you left.
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89. - So we're stuck with you, huh?
- Yes. Though I can't trigger myself,
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90. I would like to explode
at the earliest opportunity.
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91. Go right ahead!
If killed, I blow up automatically.
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92. Sort of obvious,
when you think about it.
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93. So you lived your entire life
on that thing, right?
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94. You've never experienced anything?
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95. I could access all
the information in the galaxy.
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96. But I suppose you're right.
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97. I didn't directly experience
any of it.
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98. Aww.
You must be horny as shit.
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99. - The sole aim of my being is to explode.
- Been there, buddy.
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100. We get it.
You wanna explode.
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101. But if you experience some
stuff, then explode,
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102. you'd get the best of both worlds.
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103. Maybe you won't want
to explode at all.
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104. Unlikely, but intriguing.
It is settled.
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105. I shall experience...
some stuff!
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106. Excellent.
Laki Station is nearby.
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107. It's a cargo depot,
but it has its share of diversions.
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108. I'm just glad I won't have to look
at that thing anymore.
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109. What is it with you and black holes?
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110. - Ever heard of spaghettification?
- Oh, yeah, I did that once!
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111. Man, we went everywhere,
nothing but sauce and starch.
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112. Nom-nom-nom-nom.
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113. - I put on 20 pounds.
- Pam, not spaghetti vacation!
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114. I'm talking about
the scientific term
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115. for being sucked through
a black hole's event horizon
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116. and being stretched into
a thin strip of matter,
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117. screaming for eternity
because of time dilation.
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118. "Spaghettification!"
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119. We called ours "Pastafari."
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120. Ahh! What are you doing
in my inner sanct...
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121. room where I sit quietly
and do nothing suspicious?
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122. You come here to dream
of electric sheep?
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123. Don't be a Dick.
Androids can't dream.
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124. But we do think real hard
about them.
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125. And make illegal
experimental weapons
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126. using our ship's supplies?
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127. What?
No, that's not...
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128. Laki Station is notorious
for black market deals.
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129. I may just have a plan.
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130. - Stop that!
- Oh, sorry.
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131. I was just... electric sheep.
Like, do they plug in?
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132. My word.
I knew the life cycle of a cow,
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133. the atomic structure of sucrose,
but the experience!
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134. Yeah, well, ice cream is good.
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135. Not that good.
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136. Unless you've got one
that's foreplay flavored.
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137. - Do they have that?
- No.
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138. And let's keep it simple for now.
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139. I hear they have
a greenhouse that might
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140. - be fun to walk through.
- Good grief, there's more than this?
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141. Yay, plants.
So what's the plan here?
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142. Stuff him in a cargo hold
and bug out?
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143. No! Then he just blows up
a bunch of other people.
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144. We can make this work.
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145. If we just find something
he likes enough to live for.
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146. Oh, my God, you always
have to fix people, don't you?
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147. This is why our marriage
didn't work!
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148. Really?
It wasn't the fact
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149. that you slept with everything
on two legs?
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150. Hm... not always two.
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151. This is a disaster.
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152. There's only two people here!
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153. - Didn't you pass out the brochures?
- I did not.
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154. But the mix tape doesn't make
any sense without...
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155. - Oh, my God.
- You didn't send the mix tape?
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156. The arms game
is about connections,
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157. not your quasi-musical
cry for help.
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158. This is all window dressing anyway.
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159. This is bush league right here.
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160. - Thank you!
- Yeah.
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161. Hey, after this,
let's hit the dead drop
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162. - and then space taco.
- Mm, def.
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163. Oh, my God!
Are you guys spies?
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164. Oh, my God, yell it out, hello.
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165. Got it!
Do you guys have, like,
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166. an internship or something?
I'm very sneaky!
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167. - Mm-hmm.
- I see you two have an eye.
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168. Let me show you the latest.
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169. Only for my special
customers, you understand.
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170. Yeah, well, we are pretty special.
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171. The PlasmoblastChaos Edition!
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172. Hold down the trigger,
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173. and it fires at wildly
unpredictable intervals!
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174. - Why?
- Revenge Body Armor!
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175. When hit, it auto-injects you
with painkillers
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176. - and rage-inducing pharmaceuticals!
- Why...
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177. And finally, my magnum opus.
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178. The personalized,
identity-locked
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179. - temporary singularity grenade.
- That all sounds...
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180. - So dumb.
- Thank you.
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181. What's dumb about
a temporary black hole
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182. that sucks everything into it,
then teleports itself
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183. to a random location in the galaxy?
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184. All of the words that you said
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185. - in the order that you said them.
- And we're out.
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186. If I may step in...
these are only the appetizers.
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187. I do in fact have access
to a weapon of great power.
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188. - What, a fart cannon?
- Actually, I have one...
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189. No, something else.
A doomsday device.
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190. The butterfly.
A remarkable illustration
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191. of the capacity of living things...
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192. - to change.
- Cool.
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193. Hey, is that something you
think you might be able to...
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194. - What's going on, bud?
- Oh, I'm conversing
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195. with the butterfly
via pheromones.
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196. I just asked it to say,"Please detonate."
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197. I thought you weren't
gonna try to explode!
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198. That's not... anything I said.
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199. Anyway, it was a hard pass.
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200. Much more foul-mouthed
than I expected.
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201. Same to you, you bastard!
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202. Well, I guess we're safe.
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203. Until he finds a fruit fly
with a death wish.
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204. So... would you be interested?
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205. Or, you can shoot plasma bolts
at semi-random intervals.
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206. Ka-kow!
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207. Ka-ka-kow!
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208. - I'll take doomsday.
- Ka-kow!
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209. - What do you mean, "No?"
- The accepted opposite of, "Yes"?
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210. So we're not selling Mr. Deadly now?
Won't those spies be angry?
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211. And more importantly,
how does this affect our mix tape?
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212. Selling him would solve
all our problems.
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213. He gets taken somewhere else
and gets to explode. We live.
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214. Except for the billions
of life forms he kills.
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215. Well, obviously, but they're kind of
a sunk cost at this point.
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216. - That is not what that means.
- Oh, um... arbitrage?
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217. We can't be held responsible
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218. for the actions of the people
we sell weapons to!
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219. - Why not?
- Because we'd have to stop doing it!
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220. Look, I think Mr. Deadly
is making some real progress.
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221. The ice cream was good,
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222. and that was
a very pretty bug, if rude,
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223. but fulfilling the purpose
of my existence
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224. sounds a smidge better.
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225. But there must be something
in the universe you wanna do.
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226. I've heard good things
about whisky.
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227. Great job, Lana.
Now let's go get this bomb drunk.
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228. Lightweights.
That was only like a half a bottle...
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229. of Quaaludes...
that I dissolved in their absinthe.
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230. Hmm...
they may die.
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231. Oh!
Mr. Deadly!
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232. That's what I was doing.
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233. I say, that tastes like
an old boot on fire
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234. - that I like in my mouth!
- I know it's your first time,
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235. but you don't have to try
literally every whisky they have.
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236. Um, could you say,
"Please detonate"?
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237. Say nothing.
Walk away.
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238. Almost got you.
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239. - I'll have these six.
- Not 100% sure this is working.
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240. Let's just go find
those spies and pawn him off.
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241. One, that's evil.
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242. Two, we don't even know
what they look like.
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243. Well, see that cat dude
and pouch master general?
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244. They look exactly like that.
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245. Doesn't look like they're
here to haggle.
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246. - Time to go.
- And we're shuffling,
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247. and they're working together,
and they're cutting us off,
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248. - and they're here.
- Nice work, Tav.
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249. What's up with all
the fist bumping?
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250. This is not a weapon!
It is a living being
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251. - who does not want...
- Who's taking me? You?
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252. You?
Ah, we'll figure it out.
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253. Thanks, Lana.
It's been... a delay?
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254. But I'd like to explode now.
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255. Well, all that's left
is for you to pay us
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256. and we'll leave this
portion of the galaxy...
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257. Oh-ho-ho.
You're not going anywhere.
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258. I have a thing about loose ends.
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259. Is that why you have so many straps?
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260. Seriously, are you on your way
to tie down a blimp?
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261. Hey! Time to leave.
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262. We tend to frown on
threatening waiters with knives.
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263. Sir, we're handling this.
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264. - Oh, is that right, Tycho Brahe?
- Astronomy burn!
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265. Come on, did the groundwork
for Copernicus.
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266. Had a metal nose.
Tycho Brahe.
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267. Ooh, long way to go for that one.
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268. Hey, assholes.
If he dies, he explodes!
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269. - Well, you should have led with that!
- Oh, we're so sorry!
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270. God damn it.
I think they used your stick thing!
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271. It's called a quarterstaff.
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272. Fine, they used your quarterstaff.
You have a gun!
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273. We can lay low here for a while.
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274. Aww, cheer up, dude.
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275. I bet you'll explode
before you know it.
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276. Lana, you have snatched me
from my destiny.
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277. Yeah, she is a huge buzzkill.
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278. Look, I'm very partially
sorry about that.
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279. But we're gonna figure out
what to do.
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280. Can you stay here
for just a few minutes?
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281. Oh, great.
I've waited thousands of years
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282. so what's a few minutes?
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283. - That's a yes, right?
- Yes.
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284. - So... what do we do?
- Oh! Oh, not this.
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285. Just thought of another name
for Spaghetti Vacation.
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286. If you tell it to me, Pam,
I will literally kill you.
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287. Call it a one-way vacation
to the void.
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288. - Wait, that's something.
- Killing Pam?
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289. I was joking, but if you've got
a good reason I would...
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290. No, these depots all
have a cargo railgun.
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291. - They're insanely powerful.
- So?
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292. So we put him in it,
aim it up out of the galactic plane,
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293. and radio the order
when he's at a safe distance.
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294. We'd have to get there without
those goons intercepting us.
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295. Seems tough.
They're very cool.
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296. - They're not that cool.
- Okay, let's ask him.
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297. Ha!
Teach you to lock me in a room.
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298. Because I locked youin a room!
Ha-ha!
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299. Are you guys getting that?
I can't see if the irony is landing.
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300. - Why not open the door and check?
- I can't, I smashed it.
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301. - Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye. We're gonna die.
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302. If we are, there's something
I need you guys to know.
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303. "Ravioliday"!
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304. Worth it.
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305. - I am ready.
- Take me!
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306. You may have some
unhealthy associations
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307. - with sex and death.
- Duh-hoi.
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308. Uh-huh. So you know
you don't have any junk, right?
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309. Well, if you give me a moment
I'm sure I can grow one.
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310. Why don't you make it two.
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311. - That was... My God!
- Ugh! It's gonna be one of those.
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312. How can sensations that
majestic and world shattering
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313. be contained in such strange
dangly skin-bags?
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314. Did the world shatter for you
in the first ten seconds,
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315. the second ten seconds,
or huh, no other options!
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316. Both!
Benefit of two, I suppose.
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317. But, oddly, I find a limpid
rush of passion in myself,
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318. and I must tell you...
sorry, what was your name?
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319. There's some debate on that.
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320. - Well, whatever it is, I love you.
- Yes, well... nap.
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321. Can you at least tell me
to detonate?
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322. God, can you stop your dumb
mouth from talking so I can sleep!
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323. Okay. Well, I'm gonna
destroy you all now.
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324. As long as it's quiet!
Rude!
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325. What did you just do?
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326. I don't know.
I wasn't listening either.
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327. Unfortunately, we were, and there
are some things you can't unhear.
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328. Yeah, like why was it so squelchy?
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329. - Well...
- Nope! Where did he go?
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330. Who?
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331. Let's see.
Let's wind the footage back
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332. to the moment
they left the cantina...
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333. Pff. Cantina?
Barely a saloon.
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334. Or that.
Last one to grab him buys tacos?
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335. Ugh!
Set me up the whole way.
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336. Ugh... Respect.
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337. We got to go!
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338. Give me a minute!
I think I was just dead a little!
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339. Damn that's catchy.
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340. Cheryl got out!
And ruined everything.
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341. That second part
probably goes without saying.
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342. How can you be so incompetent?
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343. Well, seeing as how you let
a glue-sniffing
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344. human death wish
escape a closed vessel,
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345. maybe we're even!
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346. Even? Who paid for
your first "massage"
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347. when you ran out of cash?
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348. Not to get in the middle
of your Freudian nightmare,
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349. but just get Krieger ready
with his weapons,
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350. and meet us outside the ship!
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351. - Way ahead of you.
- Are you?
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352. Hate to be a pest.
but could you say "Please Detonate?"
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353. - Uh, no thank you.
- Ah-ha!
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354. Fantastic.
And now this is happening.
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355. Let's go!
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356. Ow.
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357. Nice shooting, Tex, but if you
kill him, nobody gets tacos.
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358. - Oh, hi guys.
- Oh, hi. They're from the ship.
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359. - Yep. We are here to stop you.
- Is that a kimono?
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360. These are experimental prototypes.
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361. I call gun!
Big gun, here.
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362. - That leaves Pam the temporary...
- Don't need it, dick-nuts.
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363. - My body is a weapon.
- Speaking of which.
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364. - The temporary singularity grenade?
- Why would you make that?
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365. Why not just give us an
ancient horn that summons
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366. Cthulhu's older,
shittier step-brother?
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367. Well, it imprinted on you now,
so no one else can use it.
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368. Seems like a needless precaution.
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369. So where do you think they are?
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370. I find it's good practice to follow
the sound of gunfire.
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371. That hadn't happened yet!
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372. Oh, suppressing fire!
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373. Ah, ah, ah!
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374. Yelling "suppressing fire"
kind of defeats the point.
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375. We're supposed to think
you're aiming at us.
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376. You know what, actually,
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377. I'm saying it to my teammates,
so they know.
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378. Ah-ah-ah!
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379. Admit you underestimated me.
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380. Get off my head, you bitch!
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381. They're actually doing okay.
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382. I might have a tiny bit
more respect for them.
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383. Don't ever tell them I said that.
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384. There is so much
so deeply wrong with you.
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385. And you married me.
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386. - Doesn't reflect great on you.
- Aww, can I keep him?
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387. How long before they notice...
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388. "We're-we're gone,"
is what I was gonna say.
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389. So what's all this then?
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390. Cargo railgun, we shoot you,
transmit signal, boom.
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391. - Oh, finally.
- Wait, where's Pam?
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392. The invisible fist.
That could be my code name.
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393. So what do you say,
I'm your scrappy apprentice,
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394. and you're my gruff-but-loveable...
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395. - Ahhh! Ow!
- I'll think about it.
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396. Oh, that is good pouchwork.
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397. Get in there.
We'll send the "please det..."
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398. Archer, come on.
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399. Whoops, that would
have been hilarious.
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400. We'll send you the message
once you're out of the galactic plane.
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401. Ahh!
Jesus, Archer.
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402. - You ever look before you shoot?
- Sometimes.
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403. - Don't hit Mr. Deadly!
- Yeah, aiming at you guys.
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404. Thanks for being so conscientious.
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405. You saved me.
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406. You overcame your simple
biological impulse to live.
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407. Just trying to do what's right.
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408. - Jesus Christ, lady!
- Don't call me lady!
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409. Well, have a nice death.
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410. Just give me the receiver
so you can transmit the order.
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411. - The what?
- It's a cargo container.
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412. Do you want me to bring along
string and a can?
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413. Goddamn it.
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414. Oh, so now you're a gesture expert.
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415. - Whoa, smells like stir-Friday in here.
- Why did you do that?
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416. I need to feel their blood
on my... ah.
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417. Ohh, this is the best I've ever felt.
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418. Yeah, you're probably gonna
want to check into rehab.
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419. Like immediately.
You forgot this.
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420. I came as quick as I could.
You know, after they died.
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421. You are a paragon of bravery.
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422. All right,
let's shoot you into space.
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423. - One moment.
- Oh, come on!
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424. Lana's act of selflessness
inspired me.
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425. She was willing to give
her life for others,
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426. and that gives me
the courage to change.
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427. - I choose life.
- I guess this means no tacos.
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428. Is that supposed to be a joke?
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429. I didn't mean to make
it weird.
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430. How's this for weird?
Please detonate.
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431. - No!
- Don't detonate!
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432. I think my change of heart
may have diffused me.
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433. Only now do I see that
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434. when one's purpose is evil,
achieving that...
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435. Archer, you've got to use this.
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436. I don't want to be
eternal spaghetti, Lana.
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437. For once, think of anyone
other than yourself.
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438. Aghh! Fine!
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439. - I'm alive!
- We're alive!
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440. - Close one, right guys?
- Yeah, great.
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441. I think I twisted my ankle.
Thanks, Lana.
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442. - So where exactly did they go?
- It's semi-random,
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443. - but I could try to back-calculate it...
- I'd kind of prefer to not know
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444. if we wiped out several thriving
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445. and culturally complex civilizations.
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446. - Yeah, I mean, me too.
- All right.
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447. We don't know that was us.
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448. sync & correction by f1nc0
- Addic7ed.com ~
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