1. FXX presents
Archer 1999.Copy !req
2. Well, this is
another fine mess.Copy !req
3. Thanks to your idiot son.Copy !req
4. You're as much
to blame as he is.Copy !req
5. Wha... How?Copy !req
6. - Exactly.
- Wait, what?Copy !req
7. - You heard her!
- Don't yell at her!Copy !req
8. - Don't yell at her!
- Don't yell at him!Copy !req
9. - What are you doing?
- I don't know!Copy !req
10. Guys, come on!Copy !req
11. I think we could all
benefit from not yelling!Copy !req
12. The only thing
you'd benefit from is an EMP.Copy !req
13. Not even as a joke.Copy !req
14. Do I look like I'm joking?Copy !req
15. I mean, honestly,
it's hard to tell with you,Copy !req
16. what with that robot face.Copy !req
17. Well, I'm not joking.Copy !req
18. I actually
didn't think you were.Copy !req
19. Because, meatbag,
I don't think it's funnyCopy !req
20. when people steal from me.Copy !req
21. What...
Is that what this is about?Copy !req
22. What'd you think it was about?Copy !req
23. Again, hard to tell with you
because of your...Copy !req
24. Say "robot face" again,
shitlick.Copy !req
25. - ... delivery?
- Oh.Copy !req
26. You're gonna talk to me
about delivery,Copy !req
27. after you stole my cargo?Copy !req
28. I didn't steal it.
I still have it.Copy !req
29. - You... Where is it?
- On the Seamus.Copy !req
30. I was bringing it to you.
Why do you think I'm here?Copy !req
31. Wha... Because I captured you?Copy !req
32. - Potato, pobobot.
- What?Copy !req
33. Look, let me go back to
the ship, I'll get the thing,Copy !req
34. bring it back here,
and everything's space-jake.Copy !req
35. - Wow.
- Yeah.Copy !req
36. You must think
I'm pretty stupid.Copy !req
37. - Eh.
- How 'bout you tell me
where it is?Copy !req
38. - In the safe.
- Let me finish.Copy !req
39. I send a couple of my guys
to go get it, and...Copy !req
40. Well,
send a couple you don't like,
- Let me...Copy !req
41. because if they punch in
the wrong combination,Copy !req
42. they're gonna be eatinga 20-kiloton burrito for lunch.Copy !req
43. Huh?
- It's got a nuclear
self-destruct.Copy !req
44. Okay, so then how 'bout you
tell me the right combination?Copy !req
45. Well, because
I feel like if I did,Copy !req
46. I'd no longer be negotiating
from a position of power.Copy !req
47. You think you're in
a position of power?Copy !req
48. Eh...Copy !req
49. M'kay. Well, I'm gonna
go do this thing with...Copy !req
50. well, toyour friends.Copy !req
51. Tell 'em hey.Copy !req
52. And I'm while I'm gone,Copy !req
53. I'd really like you
to give some thought toCopy !req
54. telling me the combination.Copy !req
55. I feel like
I have thought about it.Copy !req
56. Well, but you haven't
met my buddy...Copy !req
57. Funbeak.Copy !req
58. Jesus Hannibal Christ.Copy !req
59. Right?Copy !req
60. Say hello, Funbeak.Copy !req
61. Hello, Fun-un-unbeak.Copy !req
62. You kook.Copy !req
63. Okay, I'm looking around
and I'm seeingCopy !req
64. some pretty mopey faces.Copy !req
65. Yeah, 'cause you're
selling us into slaveryCopy !req
66. down in the spek mines.Copy !req
67. - Wait, what?
- Well, not all of you.Copy !req
68. - Come again?
Space phrasing.Copy !req
69. Well, thanks to your buddy Bort,Copy !req
70. one of you
has a chance to go free.Copy !req
71. And, hell, I'll even
throw in your ship.Copy !req
72. - Come on.
- Uh...
- That is our ship.Copy !req
73. First of all, that's my ship.Copy !req
74. - Halfyours.
- Shut up. And...Copy !req
75. And who knows?
Maybe you'll win it back.Copy !req
76. - Win it back how?
- Oh, man.Copy !req
77. I was hoping you'd ask that,Copy !req
78. because this sets up
my big reveal.Copy !req
79. Ah!
Jesus Space Christ.
Uh... okay.Copy !req
80. Holy shit!Copy !req
81. It's that dickhead Bort.Copy !req
82. Hey. Hey, guys.Copy !req
83. Whoever doesn't die,
let's hang out after.Copy !req
84. Pretty sweet reveal, huh?Copy !req
85. Gladiator fights?
Are you serious?Copy !req
86. Maybe it is my delivery.Copy !req
87. Yeah, Bort rented y'all
for his birthday party.Copy !req
88. - Rented?
- Unless you die.Copy !req
89. Well, then he's buying you.Copy !req
90. Wait, have we
done this before?Copy !req
91. - Somebody has.
- Right?Copy !req
92. Doesn't matter.
Okay, soCopy !req
93. while I go check in
on Archer's torture sesh,Copy !req
94. y'all decide
who's gonna fight who.Copy !req
95. Actually, it's "whom."Copy !req
96. I said "whom."Copy !req
97. Or not.
I don't know.Copy !req
98. Bee-boo-boop.Copy !req
99. Hey, what do you guys
think about my delivery?Copy !req
100. Well, now what
are we supposed to do?Copy !req
101. I guess we got topick somebody to fight against.Copy !req
102. Aw, man, I can't fight you guys.Copy !req
103. I literally can't.Copy !req
104. According to
the First Law of Robotics,Copy !req
105. I'm not allowed
to harm a human being.Copy !req
106. - I pick Krieger.
- Wha... No way!Copy !req
107. - Yes way.
- Cyril.Copy !req
108. Shut your fat mouth!
I get Krieger!Copy !req
109. - Excuse me?
- I...Copy !req
110. No, I mean, come on.
I called dibs.Copy !req
111. - Well then, I get Ms. Archer.
- Aw, man.Copy !req
112. Well, as much as I'd like
to see you idiotsCopy !req
113. stomp each other's heads in...Copy !req
114. - Perhaps another time.
- Ho-ho.Copy !req
115. Where the hell
do you think you're going?Copy !req
116. To rescue Sterling
and get off this rock.Copy !req
117. Plus, there has to be
a bar around here.Copy !req
118. Oh, no you don't.Copy !req
119. - Whoop!
- Ow!Copy !req
120. - Okay, I pick you.
- Bring it.Copy !req
121. Oh, I will.
I'm bringing extra.Copy !req
122. So, Cheryl and Lana,
Cyril and me,Copy !req
123. and where does that leave Pam?Copy !req
124. As the loneliest gal
at the Monsters' Ball.Copy !req
125. Ooh!Copy !req
126. Krieger, want to swap with me?Copy !req
127. - Yep, yep, yep.
- Wait, what?Copy !req
128. Oh, man,
this is gonna be so gross.Copy !req
129. What is?Copy !req
130. Cleaning your nuts outCopy !req
131. - from between my toes.
Ew.Copy !req
132. - Yeah.Copy !req
133. You better gulp nervously.Copy !req
134. Lana, do something.Copy !req
135. Okay, okay.Copy !req
136. Me and Carol,Copy !req
137. - Cyril and Krieger...
- Yes.Copy !req
138. Then those two winners fight,
and then I guessCopy !req
139. Pam gets that winner.Copy !req
140. Aw.
We're all winners in my book.Copy !req
141. And I guess just try
to make your fights look real,Copy !req
142. and maybe that'll
buy us some timeCopy !req
143. to come up with a planto get out of this crazy place.Copy !req
144. That's Sterling.Copy !req
145. Come on, already!
What are you, hourly?Copy !req
146. - I am, actually.Copy !req
147. Please don't do tha...Copy !req
148. Please.Copy !req
149. I can't take any more.Copy !req
150. But Funbeak
has so much more to give.Copy !req
151. - That was a joke.Copy !req
152. Ha ha ha ha ha.Copy !req
153. Listen, listen... listen to me.Copy !req
154. You guys seriously
have to work on your delivery.Copy !req
155. Funbeak will try again.
Did you hear the oneCopy !req
156. about the human with no penis?Copy !req
157. No.Copy !req
158. Wait. Hang on.
Funbeak messed it up.Copy !req
159. Uh... hang on.
Uh... o-okay.Copy !req
160. - So...Copy !req
161. - Duh.
Hey.Copy !req
162. - Mother?
- Sterling. Are you all right?Copy !req
163. I'm not great.Copy !req
164. Who are you
and what are you doing?Copy !req
165. Well, I was drinking
a surprisingly good martini,Copy !req
166. but now it seems
I'll have to settle forCopy !req
167. whipping the ass off
of some robot cereal mascot.Copy !req
168. Funbeak will...Copy !req
169. destroy you.Copy !req
170. Bring it, bird.Copy !req
171. Holy shit.Copy !req
172. This is literally
a dream come true.Copy !req
173. Which, unfortunately,Copy !req
174. turns super sexual.Copy !req
175. Will you quit screwing around?Copy !req
176. Oh, you're just jealous.Copy !req
177. That you zapped yourself
into the CPUCopy !req
178. of the world's ugliest bird?Copy !req
179. You're crazy.
I'm gorgeous.Copy !req
180. - Will you...Copy !req
181. - How we doing, gang?
- Oh, um, uh...Copy !req
182. Subject is still uncooperative.Copy !req
183. Well, are you zapping
his dick like I told you?Copy !req
184. - Yes.
- All right.Copy !req
185. - Let me see.
- As you wish.Copy !req
186. Whoa, whoa, wait,
no, no, no, no, no, no...Copy !req
187. Yeah.Copy !req
188. How 'bout it, bud?Copy !req
189. Ready to tell me
the combination to the safe?Copy !req
190. No.Copy !req
191. All right.
Well, I'm gonna goCopy !req
192. watch his nutwipe buddies
try to kill each other, so...Copy !req
193. Wait, wait, wait.
What?Copy !req
194. Yeah, gladiator fights.Copy !req
195. Okay, Funbeak, keep it upwith the ol' weenie roast here.Copy !req
196. Weenie roast—
that is a good one. LOL.Copy !req
197. It was good.Copy !req
198. And my delivery's fine.Copy !req
199. Okay, now cut me out of here.Copy !req
200. First tell me
what's in the safe.Copy !req
201. In the what? Nothing.
What are you...Copy !req
202. I was just trying
to buy some time.Copy !req
203. Uh-huh.Copy !req
204. Now let's go find the shuttleCopy !req
205. and get the hell
out of this dump.Copy !req
206. Whoa, wait,
what about the others?Copy !req
207. Oh... they'll be fine.Copy !req
208. Aah!Copy !req
209. Cyril, no, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
210. Holy shit.Copy !req
211. Ooh.Copy !req
212. More like Isaac Assholimov,
am I right?Copy !req
213. I'm right.Copy !req
214. Oh, man. He's cut in half
and still talking smack.Copy !req
215. Give it up for him.Copy !req
216. - Hey, shut up.Copy !req
217. - Whose birthday is it?Copy !req
218. Bort's, exactly.Copy !req
219. Okay, put your hands,
tentacles, or cloacas togetherCopy !req
220. for our next contestants,
a couple of furious females,Copy !req
221. Carol and Lana!Copy !req
222. - What'd I miss?
- Oh, man.Copy !req
223. That one dude
cut that other dude—Copy !req
224. look at me—
literally in half.Copy !req
225. Sweet.Copy !req
226. Good luck out there.Copy !req
227. Yeah.
She's gonna need it.Copy !req
228. - Wait, what?
Come on, man.Copy !req
229. You're spilling
all my robot milk.Copy !req
230. Mother, there's
way too many guards.Copy !req
231. We need to go get the others.Copy !req
232. What we need
is a distraction.Copy !req
233. - You could do your bird dance.
- You're one to talk.Copy !req
234. - How?
- Exactly.Copy !req
235. Wait a minute,
this thing's got a radio.Copy !req
236. - What if we called Ray?
- Yeah, what if.Copy !req
237. Well, couldn't he...
do something?Copy !req
238. I don't know.
I mean, maybe,Copy !req
239. if we could get him
on the radio...Copy !req
240. Mama's out in space.Copy !req
241. Mama's doing stuff.Copy !req
242. Mama's eating cake.Copy !req
243. and if he wasn't Ray.Copy !req
244. Probably eating all the cake.Copy !req
245. So, come on,
let's go get the others.Copy !req
246. But if you leave Lana here,Copy !req
247. you'll have the ship back
all to yourself.Copy !req
248. Well, you'd still be there.Copy !req
249. - Wh...
- And Ray.Copy !req
250. Uh.
Such a fatty.Copy !req
251. And I don't want
the ship bad enoughCopy !req
252. for Lana to actually,
you know, die.Copy !req
253. Who says she's gonna die?Copy !req
254. You are gonna die!Copy !req
255. Wait, wait, what's going on?Copy !req
256. Gladiators, on your marks...Copy !req
257. Wait, wait, hang on.Copy !req
258. Get set.Copy !req
259. Whoa...Copy !req
260. - Whoa!
- Bitch!Copy !req
261. Oh, for the...
Can you believe this?Copy !req
262. Right?Copy !req
263. I'm not gonna lie,Copy !req
264. I've got my species' equivalentof a boner.Copy !req
265. - Ugh.
- Ew.Copy !req
266. Shut up.
You can't smell it.Copy !req
267. Yes, we can.Copy !req
268. Hi-yah!Copy !req
269. - Berserker!
- No!Copy !req
270. No, what are you...
No, no!Copy !req
271. No, no, no!Copy !req
272. I did not see that coming,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
273. I guess it's just anything go... Oh, my God!Copy !req
274. Oh, so you want
to play for keeps?Copy !req
275. - Oh, man, a full-on
battle royale.Copy !req
276. - This may be the best
birthday party ever.
Bitch!Copy !req
277. Or, actually,
maybe the third or fourthCopy !req
278. best birthday party ever.Copy !req
279. I've never had a birthday party.Copy !req
280. - Well, and who would come?
- Wha...Copy !req
281. What are you guys doing here?Copy !req
282. I thought you died
or ditched us.Copy !req
283. - Oh, now, uh, nobody died.
- Not yet.Copy !req
284. Holy space shit.Copy !req
285. Someone's gonna
get hurt out there.Copy !req
286. You think?Copy !req
287. He said "someone,"
not "something."Copy !req
288. - Ugh. You know...
- Krieger, shut up.Copy !req
289. How are we gonna
get those dickheadsCopy !req
290. to stop fighting long enough
for all of us to escape?Copy !req
291. Hmm.Copy !req
292. Ooh.Copy !req
293. Same height, similar build.Copy !req
294. Oh come on, no, that's just...Copy !req
295. Just crazy enough to work.Copy !req
296. Ugh.
And speaking of crazy,Copy !req
297. what is that smell?Copy !req
298. Oh, damn it.
Did Pam have a boner in here?Copy !req
299. Wha... You can smell them?Copy !req
300. You-you can't?Copy !req
301. This wasn't the plan, you idiot!Copy !req
302. Well, I wasn't
paying attention!Copy !req
303. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
304. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
- Well, how do you like
these apples?Copy !req
305. I do not like those apples.Copy !req
306. Thanks, Barry Six.Copy !req
307. This is the best.Copy !req
308. I mean, I know we're not
friends or anything,Copy !req
309. and I actually...
I don't reallyCopy !req
310. have many friends,
or any, really...Copy !req
311. Yeah, you realize
if they kill each other,Copy !req
312. you got to pay for 'em.Copy !req
313. Totally worth it.Copy !req
314. Plus, I got
a ton of birthday money.Copy !req
315. Thanks, Nana.Copy !req
316. She used to be super hot.Copy !req
317. Nope.Copy !req
318. - Psst, hey, dummy.Copy !req
319. Yeah, you-you ordered
a teabagging?Copy !req
320. What in God's name
is a teabagging?Copy !req
321. Oh... oh, come on.Copy !req
322. - Like you don't know?
- I'm sure I don't.Copy !req
323. But I'll bet
it's something disgusting.Copy !req
324. Eh.Copy !req
325. Now, will you go
wrangle those idiotsCopy !req
326. so we can get the hell
out of here?Copy !req
327. Okay, go get Krieger
ready to move.Copy !req
328. Or we could leave him.Copy !req
329. - Or you.
- All right.Copy !req
330. Jesus.Copy !req
331. So, hey,
since he brought it up,Copy !req
332. do you have any thoughts
on teabagging?Copy !req
333. Uh, cool.Copy !req
334. Uh, excuse me.Copy !req
335. Are you even serious right now?Copy !req
336. Seriously?Copy !req
337. Kooch, the undefeated champion,Copy !req
338. is taking on four opponents
at a time?Copy !req
339. Did you do this?Copy !req
340. A five-man
bunkhouse stampede?Copy !req
341. How and why would I?Copy !req
342. Mm. Okay, folks,Copy !req
343. let's make some noise for...Copy !req
344. K-K-K-K-Kooch!Copy !req
345. - Is he serious?Copy !req
346. 'Cause my toes only have room
for so much nut-butter.Copy !req
347. Ew.
- Seriously.Copy !req
348. So— temporary truce?Copy !req
349. Ugh. I guess.Copy !req
350. Okay, dickbag.
You ready to party?Copy !req
351. No, wait, wait,
wait. Guys, it's me...Copy !req
352. - Archer?
- What?Copy !req
353. Hey, uh, what are they doing?Copy !req
354. Yeah, what are they doing?Copy !req
355. Don't stop. We got to
act like we're fightingCopy !req
356. while I tell you my plan.Copy !req
357. Well, what's the plan?Copy !req
358. - We're gonna run for it.
- Excuse me?Copy !req
359. Well, first we get
Krieger and Mother,Copy !req
360. and then we're just gonna
haul ass to the gig,Copy !req
361. smashing and slashing
anyone who gets in our...Copy !req
362. Oh. Oh, okay.Copy !req
363. Yeah, I guess they're not
acting suspicious.Copy !req
364. And also: what?Copy !req
365. - Ow!
- That's your plan?Copy !req
366. I'm sorry.
Did you have a... Ow!Copy !req
367. Damn it, will you quit
smashing me... Ow!Copy !req
368. Goddamn... Ow!Copy !req
369. Wow.Copy !req
370. Fame is a fickle mistress, huh?Copy !req
371. Wait a minute, hang on.
He's right.Copy !req
372. - Huh?
- Wait, what?Copy !req
373. What other choice do we have?Copy !req
374. If we stay here,
we're as good as dead.Copy !req
375. Which, serve you right, by the way.Copy !req
376. So, how do we even do this?Copy !req
377. Yeah, see?
I mean, just like that,Copy !req
378. they're cheering
for the other guys, like...Copy !req
379. Wait a minute.Copy !req
380. No, no, no, no, no,
that's Archer.Copy !req
381. Move, Nana!Copy !req
382. Well, why do
I have to carry him?Copy !req
383. - Because look at you.
- Look at you.Copy !req
384. Why are you a bird?Copy !req
385. Why are you
a rockslide with tits?Copy !req
386. Burn.Copy !req
387. - Ow.
- Shut up.Copy !req
388. - Can we go?
- Damn it.Copy !req
389. It's my plan,
I'm the group leader.Copy !req
390. Archer!Copy !req
391. And I say let's go!Copy !req
392. Aah! Move!Copy !req
393. Still my fourth-best birthday.Copy !req
394. Mm, third.Copy !req
395. Mother!Copy !req
396. Calm down.Copy !req
397. Let's go.
Let's go, come on.Copy !req
398. Goddamn it,
I'm the group leader.Copy !req
399. Yeah, way to lead, buddy.Copy !req
400. Archer!Copy !req
401. Eat dicks, Barry Six.Copy !req
402. Friggin' Bort.Copy !req
403. So, uh, listen, uh,Copy !req
404. I know things got
a little heated down there,Copy !req
405. and maybe we said
and did some thingsCopy !req
406. that we wish
we could take back,Copy !req
407. but I hope we can put
all that behind us and...Copy !req
408. Sterling stole something
from Barry Six and it'sCopy !req
409. in the safe, so this whole
idiotic fiasco was his fault.Copy !req
410. - Archer!
- Busted, Archer!
- Archer, come on.Copy !req
411. Well, Mother...
touched my penis.Copy !req
412. Yeah. Since we're
playing the blame game.Copy !req
413. So just picture Mother's
big old nasty bird clawCopy !req
414. touching my cock.Copy !req
415. What the...Copy !req
416. Uh-oh.Copy !req
417. - Oh, God, gross!
- Jesus Space Christ.
- Oh, gross.Copy !req
418. - God damn it.
Well...Copy !req
419. that's our Pam!Copy !req
420. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
421. Freeze frame.Copy !req
422. Made in Georgia.Copy !req
423. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBHCopy !req
424. Rocket pack!Copy !req
425. You know how much fuel
you just wasted?Copy !req
426. I don't know. How much paint
did Michelangelo waste
on the Sistine Chapel?Copy !req
427. Archer 1999.Copy !req
428. All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.Copy !req